Got jokes? Post 'em here

[HunterWhite]

Robert, now that’s funny right there.

Hunter 

[Madd Hatter]

I gave my seat to a blind person on the bus the other day… Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where

[bnowlin]

I gave my seat to a blind person on the bus the other day… Thats how I lost my job as a bus driver

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where

Funny but sick.

[Madd Hatter]

Paddy and his mate Shaun went to watch John Wayne at the pictures. Paddy said to Shaun "I bet you a fiver John Wayne falls off his horse".
Shaun agreed to the bet and part way through the film John Wayne fell off his horse so he gave Paddy a fiver.
Paddy gave it him back and said its not right to take your money. He fell off his horse the same last night. I didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again

Been remembering my grandad today. He once visited 90 countries in 30 days, mind you the post office were embarrassed about loosing his ashes

[Madd Hatter]

Four servicemen were undergoing a psych evaluation.
They were all asked "What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?"

Sailor: "I'd stamp on it"
Soldier: "I'd crush it with my boot"
Marine: "I'd rip off its sting and then eat it"
Airman "I'd call room service and ask them what a tent is doing in my room

[Madd Hatter]

Mate said he had just finished reading a book but said it had no plot and there were to many character's. I said “You muppet you’ve been read the the phone book

Two labourers working on a building site were having their break.
The first, Jim, pulled a Thermos flask from his bag and poured himself a steaming hot cup of tea.
The second labourer, Paddy, looked and said "That's very good, what do you call that ?".
Jim says "It's a Thermos Flask, Paddy". "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".
"That's great" says Paddy, "I must get myself one!".

The next day is very warm and when Jim opens his flask he pours out an ice-cool drink into his cup.
Paddy looks 'wide eyed' and Jim says, "I told you Paddy, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold".
"That's great" says Paddy, "I must get myself one!".

On the third day as soon as they sit down for their break, Paddy pulls a shiny new Thermos Flask from his bag.
"So you bought one" exclaims Jim, "What have you got in it ?"
Paddy proudly boasts, "Chicken soup and ice cream - because it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold

[Madd Hatter]

Disclaimer to my post above: -

The names I have used are purely fictitious and should not be thought to display any stereotype, nationality or intelligence of anyone involved. If this does not make you happy please feel free to insert any name, nationality or Mensa level of your choosing into the story, even if it will ultimately run to several forum pages.

Also, I have done my best with spelling and grammar but was never an English teacher (I am not even English !) or had any more qualifications in the language than a pass at Scottish 'O' level. If you identify any misuse of the written language in any of the above, or this disclaimer, please feel free to comment and correct even if it will ultimately also run to several forum pages.

I will not be offended

[Madd Hatter]

Two hunters out in the woods when one of them collapses on the floor and looks like he has stoped breathing the other one panics and rings the emergency services and tells them what has happened and that he thinks his mate is dead "calm down and let me help you, first make sure he is dead" the lady said and after a little while she hears a load bang and the man says "now what




Three scientists wanted to know what would happen to an elephant that was given laxatives for a month but wasn’t allowed to go until they observed and filmed it. They would sick a cork in the elephants behind but had to workout how to pull it out while they filmed the result. So they trained a monkey to pull it out when a bell rang. After 3 months of training the monkey and the 3 were ready. They each set up a camera, one at 50 yards, one at 100 and the last one at 150. They rang the bell and the monkey pulled the cork. The observer at 150 was covered in &^^& up to his waist, the one at 100 had it just below his bottom lip. They both panicked about the man at 50 yards and thought he must be dead from drowning. They wadded up to the 50 yard point and when they pulled him out he was laughing his head off. Bloody *(&^ mate you could have drowned in all the elephant dung, so why are you laughing your head off. He said “ You should of seen the monkey trying to get the cork back in

[Hoosier Daddy]

    

[Madd Hatter]

I hate escalators, I tripped on the escalator in TKMax, and fell down the stairs for 25 minutes


I was staying in a nice country hotel last week and, after a late drinking session the previous evening, I found I had overslept. I went down to the restaurant, where I found two older ladies having afternoon tea with scones, jam and cream. It turned into a heated discussion over which you put on first until eventually the hotel manager intervened and pulled me aside. Apparently, it’s trousers

[Madd Hatter]

Bill??

[Madd Hatter]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome’.
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin

[dk1677]

  https://media2.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExemJ4aWgyMjMxaTg1d2dvaG5qbjlkMGp5c3F0andycG9zM21wbTlxaSZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/zsoj8Tt9P9zNe/giphy.gif

[Back_Roads]

https://media2.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExemJ4aWgyMjMxaTg1d2dvaG5qbjlkMGp5c3F0andycG9zM21wbTlxaSZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/zsoj8Tt9P9zNe/giphy.gif

[Rick67]

👍

[avator]

👍

Wait, what? I know girls that would work on.

[bnowlin]

👍

Wait, what? I know girls that would work on.

I had a couple. In my F150

[Rick67]

👍

Wait, what? I know girls that would work on.

I had a couple. In my F150

Aha!

So you, sir, are also a backseat driver 🥴

[Bicycleman]

My first car was a TRUCK!
Yup, it was an F-Series.

[Rick67]

Makes me think the F in the F Series has a double meaning