Got jokes? Post 'em here

[UCChris]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."



Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”

“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”

Man, a cold Guinness. There is nothing better in this world.

[Air4All]

Got pulled over today..Cop came up and said he just worked a long day and ended his shift..He said if I had a good reason for speeding that he'd let me go..So I said Officer my wife left me 5 years ago for a cop, and I thought you was bringing her back...he said...have a good day Sir...

[Privateer]

The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage.
The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy.
The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
She said,
"That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!"

[Tater]

    How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
    13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
    1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
     

[Tater]

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your spouse and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

[dv8eod]

    How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
    13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
    1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
   

Whatever you're trying to say, I think that about sums it up....

[Bicycleman]

    How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
    13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
    1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
   

Whatever you're trying to say, I think that about sums it up....

Me too!

[Kailua]

Majiba was applying for a job in his native India.

The interviewer says Majiba you have done really well on your test.  There is one more test which is a written test.  If you pass you will get the job.  You need to write a sentence using the words green, pink and yellow.

Majiba writes:
The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink it up and answer "yellow this is Majiba how may I help you".

Happy to say Majiba got the job as a telephone receptionist.

[mobilemail]

    How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
    13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
    1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
   

12 to add that their candles are still doing just what they need, thank you very much
4 to say their LEDs have faster light with less energy

[ztirffritz]

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

[supertech77]

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.” 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

      good one

[Be Ready]

I seen this on a comment section about Trump. 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

 Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking  ticket. I said to him “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

 The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Vote for Hillary 2016'.

 I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health

[Privateer]

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory?
The scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense,
became emotional,
couldn't drive,
and refused to apologize when wrong.




No further testing is planned

[Privateer]

This guy's at a bar, and it's really late.
He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor.
He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor.
 
Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home.
On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car.
When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door.

The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell.

The drunk's wife opens the door.
He says, "Sorry to wake you m'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you."
The wife gratefully responds,
"Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you." "But where's his wheelchair?"

[Backyard Airgunner]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For *&^% sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the ()&(^)(&() morning!!"




Two buddies where drinking late into the night.  One noticed the time and cursed.  His buddy asks what's wrong.
"I told my wife I'd be home hours ago, when I get home they'll be *(&^ to pay."
"Why?"
"Well I told her I wouldn't drink any more and no matter what I do when I get home I always wake her up."
"Walk me through what you do when you get home, and I'll see if I can help."
"Well, I stop my car at the top of the driveway and let it roll to the house so its nice and quiet.  I slowly open the door, take off my shoes and tip toe up stairs to the bedroom.  I strip and gently get into bed and thats when the fireworks always start."
His friend laughs, "You've got it all wrong buddy."
"How so?"
"When I get home I always hit garbage cans with my car, slam the front door behind me, stomp me feet upstairs to the bedroom, jump on the bed, slap my wife's @@@ and say, You horny too baby? and she's always sound asleep."

[Trenier]

Voice to Text, sometimes the phone company doesn't quite get it right.

[Hoosier Daddy]

A 3 legged Dog hobbles into the Saloon and says with a sneer...
"I'm lookin for the guy who shot my Paw!"

[Backyard Airgunner]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

[Bicycleman]

I would like to take a moment to thank all that have submitted jokes/stories for my/our enjoyment.  AND I would also like to thank the moderators for allowing this thread to continue (even though some of the jokes/stories are a little RISQUE.  I have enjoyed them immensely.

[Privateer]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk.
When the bar closed, he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
 
Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.
So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said;
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"