A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.""Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
in honor of upcoming father's day...Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? It's swarm. Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put on my glasses.A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t "c" in the dark.Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled."OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said "You Americans.You are such a rude class of people.Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.Again he asked, "Please, lady.May I sit there?I'm very tired."The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat.The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bit ch out the window."
Quote from: Earl on May 29, 2022, 11:54:02 AMA man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled."OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"[chuckling] That's pretty good. I'm taking a plane in a couple weeks. Might use that one.
Quote from: splitbeing on May 29, 2022, 10:15:21 PMQuote from: Earl on May 29, 2022, 11:54:02 AMA man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled."OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"[chuckling] That's pretty good. I'm taking a plane in a couple weeks. Might use that one.Really? Do you know anything about nuclear power?