A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken
The obituary was duly printed as follows:
Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
The husband was in the kitchen killing flies when his wife walks in. She asked did you get any? He answers yes 3 males and 2 females . She says how can you tell the difference . Well he says the 3 males were on the beer can and the 2 females were on the phone.
The husband was in the kitchen killing flies when his wife walks in. She asked did you get any? He answers yes 3 males and 2 females . She says how can you tell the difference . Well he says the 3 males were on the beer can and the 2 females were on the phone.
Ok, I LOL'ed. ;D
The young man is walking back to his car when his GF calls him from work. "So, what did my father say?".
Young man: "That you s****t a lot".
Harry
I'll probably get in trouble for this one, but here goes:Don't know if you get in trouble or not...that was a good one...
What's the difference between meat & fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die! :o
Three blonds walk into a building... you would think one of them would have seen it.
Beer nuts are $3.29 a pound
and deer nuts are just under a buck.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”
“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”
How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
Whatever you're trying to say, I think that about sums it up.... ;D
How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”good one
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.
“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
I would like to take a moment to thank all that have submitted jokes/stories for my/our enjoyment. AND I would also like to thank the moderators for allowing this thread to continue (even though some of the jokes/stories are a little RISQUE. I have enjoyed them immensely.Here Here !! I'm pickin up what yer layin down Brother. Might even want to add a disclaimer to the entrance of the thread. "Contents May Be Disturbing To Some and May Cause Facial Ticks To Others"
I wish my girlfriend was as dirty as my barrel!
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir.
. . . In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food . . .
SHOULD BE THE MINIMUM PER HOUSEHOLD THROUGHOUT THE U.S.it really sux, but I live in California and sadly that's 100% realistic.
You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put who was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache!"
By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Georgia and Virginia, he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Louisiana, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Mississippi and Texas he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
And in Tennessee, he's just "Bubba" who's a little short on ammo.
How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.
How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.
As a (near?) millennial, take offense to that! ;)
Some of us have our heads on somewhat straight.
I was born in '95, and I take no offense because it's basically true 😁😁😁😁How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.
As a (near?) millennial, take offense to that! ;)
Some of us have our heads on somewhat straight.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.;D ;D ;D ;D
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
My kid kept asking me to go to Disney Land.
So I drove to a warehouse that burned down...
I said gracious... Disney burnt down... let's get some ice cream.
God called Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Bill Gates to come to a conference. When they were all there, God said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."
So, Barack Obama called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Vladimir Putin called into session the Communist Party and announced, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all and the worse news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 10."
God called Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Bill Gates to come to a conference. When they were all there, God said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."
So, Barack Obama called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Vladimir Putin called into session the Communist Party and announced, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all and the worse news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 10."
Buffalo, NY July 30, 2016
A truck carrying 2,000 lbs. human hair was hijacked and crashed while on the way to a wig factory. The suspects escaped and are at large.
Police are still combing the area.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans enter a fine restaurant.I want to see you tell this joke in person. :-)
ARE YOU READY?
ARE YOU READY?
"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after looking at the group, "but I cannot allow you to come in here without a Thai".
With a Thai around your neck.An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans enter a fine restaurant.I want to see you tell this joke in person. :-)
ARE YOU READY?
ARE YOU READY?
"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after looking at the group, "but I cannot allow you to come in here without a Thai".
"Cause you're ugly."
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”
“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”
Man, a cold Guinness. There is nothing better in this world.
(http://17663-presscdn-0-49.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/squirrels-and-guns-.jpg)
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”
“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”
Man, a cold Guinness. There is nothing better in this world.
Try one at room temperature. Guiness extra stout, not that wimpy stuff in the can.
(http://17663-presscdn-0-49.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/squirrels-and-guns-.jpg)
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”
“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”
Man, a cold Guinness. There is nothing better in this world.
Try one at room temperature. Guiness extra stout, not that wimpy stuff in the can.
Sample some fresh at the brewery in Dublin Ireland....... it doesn't get any better than that.
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell phone.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell phone.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
It's not about the nail.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg)
https://youtu.be/RGvrmltfMrA
Farmer Boudreaux’s cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gate and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”The Cajun cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Pearly Gate with the same offer that He made to Farmer Boudreaux’s cat.The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to ever run again.”God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.About a week later, God decided to check on the little Cajun cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”Boudreaux’s cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL! I have never been so happy in my life! The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”
LOL!!!! This made my day!
https://youtu.be/RGvrmltfMrA
Holy @$%^!!! Hilarious!!! Put's "The Great Indoors" in perspective.
I've seen it and It's OK, but not the funniest show out there.https://youtu.be/RGvrmltfMrA
Holy @$%^!!! Hilarious!!! Put's "The Great Indoors" in perspective.
Yea, I've only seen the previews for that show though.
Bro, Guiness at room temperature .....
Still, though, guiness is better at room temperature; ...
Bro, Guiness at room temperature .....
Remember though, the temp of a room in London during July is a wee bit more comfortable than one in Phoenix.....
Just sayin'. 8)
Farmer Boudreaux’s cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gate and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”The Cajun cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Pearly Gate with the same offer that He made to Farmer Boudreaux’s cat.The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to ever run again.”God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.About a week later, God decided to check on the little Cajun cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”Boudreaux’s cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL! I have never been so happy in my life! The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”
Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!
Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."!
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
I was born in '95, and I take no offense because it's basically true 😁😁😁😁How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.
As a (near?) millennial, take offense to that! ;)
Some of us have our heads on somewhat straight.
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices he has a small steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pants. The pirate orders his drink and the bartender serves him his drink. The bartender can not ignore the small little wheel and addresses the pirate, "Do you know there is a small steering wheel hanging out of your fly?" The pirate replies "AARRG! It's diving me nuts!"
You're An EXTREME Redneck When:
1) You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Mike, I have been looking for that insurance claim for YEARS!Shopping (for air guns) is a great way to relieve stress. Speaking of stress; attached is stress test that everyone should take. Sometimes when you are under stress, you don't see the effects until it's too late. For good mental health you should check your self early rather than later.
Thank you for posting... It's a classic!
Oh and Jeff: We need to go shopping together!
Mike, that reminded me of one...(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/60/be/d9/60bed9cf58f576cb98d6ac2ffcb90641.jpg)
His Diary/Her Diary
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it. One the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Groups started growing …can’t figure out why.
(http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/4-Girls-and-a-Pirate.png)
(http://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/MGalleryItem.php?id=3799)
Mike, that reminded me of one...Scott..
His Diary/Her Diary
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it. One the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Groups started growing …can’t figure out why.
That's a great one. I'll have to pass that one to some friends.
A liberal friend asked me what I thought he might need in order to defend his home and family from home invasion.
I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells
A few days later he sent me this picture and asked me how to make it all work.
As someone that lives by a golf range, I completely agree with you ::)
(https://cached-assets.patriotpost.us/images/2017-02-21-2e3ba6a5_large.jpg)
A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com (http://www.Heaven.com). Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."
She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:
"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.
Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."
The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."
Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."
A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.
Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."
There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.
A new page appears.
It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com (http://www.Purgatory.com). Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."
(http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_old_people/images/as_i_grow_older.png)
Priceless.
And I did check my vehicles - I found that two had bad muffler bearings and all three needed to have the winter air removed. These things just sort of slip up on a body if we aren’t reminded. Thanks “Steelontarget”. ;D ;D
EDIT: Oh, I almost forgot to add: If you have an import, don’t forget to ask for the METRIC muffler bearings.
This new transmission will revolutionize the auto industry!
https://youtu.be/rLDgQg6bq7o (https://youtu.be/rLDgQg6bq7o)
I'll give all of you another tip that comes from the 40-plus years of my aviation experience. We use it for the aircraft but it can be used on your cars.
I don't use ordinary soap and water to wash my car. I use good old prop-wash. You won't find this in any auto parts stores or any of the big box stores like Walmart. You can only purchase it at your local airport.
Just drive out to any small airport and walk in the Fixed Base Operations (FBO) office and ask for some prop-wash. They will know what your talking about.
Don't act like you're a non-pilot as this stuff is not sold to the general public. Act like you are a pilot and know what you're talking about. To look like an aviator you need to approach the receptionist with a cocky-devil-may-care attitude. If you have a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses be sure to wear them even if it's dark outside.
If the receptionist is really attractive be sure to address her as "Baby." All real pilots address the girls at the airports as "Baby."
If you want to save money, go to the FBOs at the larger airports. Just walk in the front door and ask "Baby" for a 5 gallon container of prop-wash. That sounds like a lot to get for just one vehicle but you will save money by purchasing a large amount. If it comes in a concentrated form just ask for a one gallon can. Most concentrated brands of prop-wash recommend you dilute it in water with a 10-to-1 mix. For your car you only need to dilute it 40-to-1.
If you really want to save a lot of money call up Sporty's pilot shop at 1.800.776.7897. It's not available on-line. You can only order it over the phone. If the sales representative tells you that Haz-Mat charges apply; don't believe them. They don't know what they are talking about. Tell them you want to talk with someone else to order the prop-wash.
Here's another tip. Rather than going to the lawn & garden store, you can use flight-line instead of the standard weed-eater line. So while you are getting some prop-wash ask for a spool of flight-line. If they try to sell you the 100 foot spool don't buy it. A little goes a long way because it's tougher than standard weed-eater line. A 10 foot spool of flight line is all you will ever need to your weed-eater.
Because it's marked "for aircraft use only," they will charge you an arm and a leg for it. Don't let that scare you away from using it for your weed-eater as you pay ten times more over a ten year period if you keep purchasing the standard weed-eater line at the lawn & garden store.
If you have a little time while you're at the airport and are hungry, most restaurants on the field have a special menu for the air crews. You won't need to order off the air crew menu. Just walk in the restaurant with the same cocky-devil-may-care attitude while wearing those sparkly Ray-Bans and tell the waitress, "I'll just have the 'high-speed-buffet' today." Be sure to address her as "baby."
Used to send new guys into the shop to ask for a replacement smoke screen.
The guy in the tire department sent me to the parts department to get a Do-Hicky. No Joke - there was a real tool nicknamed “Do-Hicky”. I never learned the correct name; but it is a multi-tool for installing and removing valve stems from tires/tubes, pulling valve stems through the wheel rims, and remaking the threads inside the valve stem of a tube or the stem on the tubeless wheel. I was more than a little surprised when the parts guy tossed the little tool up on the counter and asked if there was anything else. :D
(https://images.knifecenter.com/thumb/1500x1500/knifecenter/niteize/images/NIKMT11R3.jpg)
(http://cdn.backyardchickens.com/0/0a/0af03111_weldtite-schrader-valve-repair-tool-IMG19402.jpeg)
Goes back to when tires had inner-tubes.
While mounting the tire you got one side on the rim, tucked in a inner-tube, put the valve stem trough the hole and screwed this on.
That kept the valve stem from sliding back into the wheel while you used your tire irons to get the other side of the tire onto the wheel.
Too much rain ruins marshmallow crop in North CarolinaThis reminds of when I use to plant tootsie rolls for the children in my neighborhood.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23QA1tSMpfw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23QA1tSMpfw)
Bravo sir! Bravo!I'd hate to be the first guy to ever shoot a Wolpertinger. Can you imagine the grief he would be getting?
encore!
So Mike... How long has it been since they forced you to move out of that neighborhood?
That's ok little buddy... you can stay here with us.
ODE TO A SPELL CHECKERPrys less ;D
by Jerrold H Zar
Eye halve a spelling check her,
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A check her is a bless sing;
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed too bee a joule;
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are knot maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier;
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud;
And we mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Thank eweODE TO A SPELL CHECKERPrys less ;D
by Jerrold H Zar
Eye halve a spelling check her,
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A check her is a bless sing;
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed too bee a joule;
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are knot maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier;
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud;
And we mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
I wonder what people think that little red squiggly line under a misspelled word means? ???Dave, were you ever a teach her? I knot, you should have bean.
Sometimes it seems you need a decoder ring to read some people's writings. ???
Here's a clue: right mouse click on that red underlined word & 9 times out 10, the computer's spell check will give them the correct spelling. Then just click on the correct spelling. Easy. :o
Not funny.You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you.
Last thing I want is a 5 Y/O that is smarter than I am.
It's bad enough my Dr. is half my age...
#DoogieHouser
You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you.
You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you.
Not funny.Everyday, when I walked into the classroom, I knew that about half the students were smarter than I was (and I was their teacher.) But we all had the same amount of information that we could learn. And I knew also that I could learn more, faster than they could - I had more practice.
Last thing I want is a 5 Y/O that is smarter than I am.
It's bad enough my Dr. is half my age...
#DoogieHouser
I use to like you until you said that.
You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you.
And now a Supreme Court justice (49).
I use to like you until you said that.
United Airlines: New Mottos
“We put the hospital in hospitality”
“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
“We treat you like we treat your luggage”
“We beat the customer. Not the competition”
“And you thought leg room was an issue”
“Where voluntary is mandatory”
“Fight or flight. We decide”
“Now offering one free carry off”
“Beating random customers since 2017”
“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”
“A bloody good airline”
..........too soon............
............too soon...........
Said Sen. Dick Durbin, II: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy...
I liked the baby changing tool chest.Also owned by the subjects referred to in post #341 thereby explaining the lack of tools present.
The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA).
The Democratic Senate is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”
“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey”. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Sen. Dick Durbin, II: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”
This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Maxine (WaWa) Waters, Chuck Schumer & Nancy Pelosi.
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today.
The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with pieces of cardboard?
A pillow fight.
Frickin Hillaryous, Dave, frickin hillaryous!I get it.... Hillary - arious. That is good Bud.
The "other" farmers daughters!An elderly old man from Florida owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back that was properly shaped for swimming. So he fixed it up nice with picnic tables Horse shoes and courts with peach and orange trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while.
Before he went, he grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared to pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presents as they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted "we're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, " I didn't come down here to watch you naked women swim, or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket in the air he explained, "I'm here to feed the gators"
I took down my Rebel Flag(which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA Sticker off my front window!
I disconnected my Home Alarm System and quit the useless Neighborhood Watch!
I bought two Pakistani Flags and put one at each corner of the front yard!
Then I bought the black flag of ISIS(which you can buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole!
Now the local Police, Sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7!
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me!
Plus, I bought Burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel!
Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down!
~ God Bless the USA ~
A Drill Instructor is walking down the street in Leesville, Louisiana, when he sees a young lady get hit by a bus.
She flies 30 feet in the air and all her clothes are ripped off, landing on her back with arms and legs spread out.
Trying to be a Gentleman, he takes his DI hat off and places it over her private parts to save her some embarrassment.
A young Recruit walks by and lifts the hat glancing under it. He places it back where he found it and walked away saying,
"That's the first time I seen anything under that hat that wasn't a butt hole!"
(This is for my Buddy David, LOL!)
Something tells me you were stationed at Fort Polk.
Jim
A man who owned a rotisserie was barbecuing a chicken in his yard when a drunk staggered by.
The drunk stood and watched for a couple of minutes and then said slowly, “Uh… I don’t want to bother you man, but your music’s stopped, and your monkey’s on fire.”
My joke keeps dissappearing
My joke keeps dissappearingNope, It's still there, twice... Eve and the fish that is.
(https://www.chinasmack.com/wp-content/uploads/chinasmack/2014/07/nuclear-bomb-mushroom-cloud.jpg)
Gotta love Walmart!WOW !!!
Good gun for squirrels?
See image.
-Whirly
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
I fell asleep at the wheel today.
Man! What a mess.
There was clay everywhere!
My wife been missing for 3 days. The police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got all her stuff back
From the year 1946, at the Maple Leaf Auditorium, the Crepitation Contest:
Makes you wonder why Monty Python came about.... ;D ;D
Scott,
I witnessed something similar the other day, except the little boy said rifles, pistols, and scotch.
Your grandson?
Jim
Makes you wonder why Monty Python came about.... ;D ;D
I'm glad they did! -some of my favorite entertainment from days gone by! :D
Makes you wonder why Monty Python came about.... ;D ;D
I'm glad they did! -some of my favorite entertainment from days gone by! :D
I always thought that British humor was a little strange. Nevertheless, I always liked Mr. Bean and Benny Hill.
I liked Fawlty Towers, but not as much as SOAP... 8)
And since I don't have any clips from SOAP, here's one from Mr. Cleese...
I liked Fawlty Towers, but not as much as SOAP... 8)
And since I don't have any clips from SOAP, here's one from Mr. Cleese...
OH How I loved watching SOAP!
https://youtu.be/OSaNWYHmUvI
(http://www.derekodwyer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/we-waited.jpg)
(http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/z-funny-pictures-3-2.jpg)
A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money. He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.
On his deathbed he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"
His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.
So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.
The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"
The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"
"I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."
A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money. He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.
On his deathbed he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"
His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.
So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.
The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"
The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"
"I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."
A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money. He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.
On his deathbed he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"
His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.
So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.
The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"
The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"
"I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."
And the check cleared the bank.
It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?...groan.... ;D ;D ;D
I'm a whisk taker.
-Whirly
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescriptionIt should be.
... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ,’Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper – so I’d be in your hands all day
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!
Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband –
“Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said,
“I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you ......”
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescriptionIt should be.
... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."
I have room in the back yard for one more.Nice... garden hose and a cinder block in the lake here will do just fine.
An appropriate joke for this time of the year. Johnny Carson told this one:can't taste any worse than a turkey 😁
We were really poor when I was a kid. One year Mom brought home a tom for Thanksgiving dinner and cooked it.
Ya know, with lots of gravy on it cat doesn’t taste that bad.
How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
Whatever you're trying to say, I think that about sums it up.... ;D
Me too!
Why don't ants ever get sick?
Lol!
They have tiny anty-bodies.
-Whirly
Very funny but heart warming at the same time. He put a lot of thought into this.
LOL
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0 (https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0)
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.
It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.
But now...
They're just sluggish.
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.
It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.
But now...
They're just sluggish.
jerry, you should be banned from this topic for that one!
Young Johnny saves up his paper route money and goes to the local house of ill repute to have his first experience with a lady.
The madam says "You're awful young Johnny, you need to practice" and tells him to go find a knothole and get his game refined.
Johnny comes back 2 days later and says he's ready so the madam introduces him to Arlene and they retire to the next room.
Within 5 minutes the madam hears some loud cracks and hideous squalling so she rushes in to see Johnny hitting Arlene about the behind with a broom stick.
The Madam says "Johnny what in the blue blazes are you doin" to which Johnny replies " Checkin for Bees"
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.
It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.
But now...
They're just sluggish.
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.
It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.
But now...
They're just sluggish.
HA! I like that one!
HA! I like that one!
DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.
It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.
But now...
They're just sluggish.
HA! I like that one!
DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!
My barber normally charges others $15 for a haircut. For me, he charges only $5 to cut mine. But he charges an additional $10 to search for it.
(https://i.imgur.com/fGljjsp.gif)
GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS
(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=4723adbd4a&view=fimg&th=1606aef75825baee&attid=0.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ_J2x-x67mN4Gh08VihfEL6McQh948Rkym5Cjxo_Y68GybG-v-j4dUfHOAcx9xsg96E1CMJIyJ94N9iCREKnXeN9CL_YBT-mD-2vAuiXBcNVZJwJBorD6-05zw&sz=w1238-h380&ats=1513622592939&rm=1606aef75825baee&zw&atsh=1)
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer..
Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
****If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ......... Your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
****A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... Neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure.One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.The next day you go out and for no reason at all your game really stinks!
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
Seniors Day at the course
(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=4723adbd4a&view=fimg&th=1606aef75825baee&attid=0.2&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ_uzBE48dyK005zgCumicDiOlf-fD_PsaDEkGggF1ucQzRYdHX8CHOW-R-z_rd5spIA3kXt3keql3YMX5IafvYUa8FUxVrlOm_-o4yojK2BfWcBDSwpJ-rfI_c&sz=w962-h984&ats=1513622592939&rm=1606aef75825baee&zw&atsh=1)[/color][/u][/b]
A Christmas Special
Santa was very, VERY busy in the weeks before Christmas help the elves in the workshop, repairing on the sleigh, tending to a slight injury that Rudolph sustained, and reading the millions of letters from children around the world when a little angel appeared to him. She told Santa that she had noticed that the Christmas tree had not been put up and decorated yet. Santa dismissed the little angel by telling her: Later! I am too busy now.
Santa and the elves kept working when, a few day later the little angel appeared again and told Santa that she still didn't see the tree. Santa again said: Later! I am still very busy.
And again a few day later, the little angel was back bothering Santa and this time had brought a tree. Santa [a little angry now] told the little angel that too many things were much more important than a tree that no one would see anyway. And Santa finished the discussion by telling the little angel where she could put the tree.
And that, my friends, is how the angel has become the crowning glory of so many Christmas trees.
Merry Christmas all!
A Christmas SpecialGood one, I believe someone posted if last year but still a good joke.
Santa was very, VERY busy in the weeks before Christmas help the elves in the workshop, repairing on the sleigh, tending to a slight injury that Rudolph sustained, and reading the millions of letters from children around the world when a little angel appeared to him. She told Santa that she had noticed that the Christmas tree had not been put up and decorated yet. Santa dismissed the little angel by telling her: Later! I am too busy now.
Santa and the elves kept working when, a few day later the little angel appeared again and told Santa that she still didn't see the tree. Santa again said: Later! I am still very busy.
And again a few day later, the little angel was back bothering Santa and this time had brought a tree. Santa [a little angry now] told the little angel that too many things were much more important than a tree that no one would see anyway. And Santa finished the discussion by telling the little angel where she could put the tree.
And that, my friends, is how the angel has become the crowning glory of so many Christmas trees.
Merry Christmas all!
*smirk*
One blonde to another: - Yesterday took the car to a garage, thought they would try to cheat me, you know, because I am a woman. - Well, and how did it go? - Ah, all good, turns out I only needed new fluid for the blinkers.
Do you know what you call a brunette sitting between two blondes?;D ;D ;D
A translator!!!
You made me recall my 11s, when I obtained a 90%, and thought the teacher deserved a 0%.
“Sciences” exam. 10 questions I realized were too simple and easy, so, I decided to play a bit with the teacher regarding one of them.
Q. If you have a glass of water, what do you have to do to change its state?
* Nothing. Depending on the room temperature, it’s going to freeze or evaporate.
You made me recall my 11s, when I obtained a 90%, and thought the teacher deserved a 0%.
“Sciences” exam. 10 questions I realized were too simple and easy, so, I decided to play a bit with the teacher regarding one of them.
Q. If you have a glass of water, what do you have to do to change its state?
* Nothing. Depending on the room temperature, it’s going to freeze or evaporate.
I would have said "drink it." :D
You made me recall my 11s, when I obtained a 90%, and thought the teacher deserved a 0%.
“Sciences” exam. 10 questions I realized were too simple and easy, so, I decided to play a bit with the teacher regarding one of them.
Q. If you have a glass of water, what do you have to do to change its state?
* Nothing. Depending on the room temperature, it’s going to freeze or evaporate.
I would have said "drink it." :D
School jokes remind me of "Little Johnny"....Bless his heart.Now that's hilarious right there, definitely the kind of joke I would've eaten soap for repeating as a little kid.
So let's see if I can clean this one up enough to tell here.
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my Dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That DANG Son of mine! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your muffin before the end of the day!"
Fishin'that,s funny
That reminds me of yet another i hope I can clean up enough for here....
Due to slow times, a Boss has to lay off one of his employees.
He has it narrowed down to Betty or Jack.
He makes a decision that the next day, the first one to come to the water cooler will get the axe.
So, that morning he is waiting and it doesn't take long. Betty comes in looking rough... REAL rough. Hair is a mess, yesterdays clothes on, etc.
The Boss says "Betty I have a tough decision to make....I have to either lay You or Jack off today."
Betty says "Can you just **** ***, I've had a bad night."
Yes....
I'll go back to my corner now. ::)
[/
I was a little slow on that one. I may have been quicker if you had not cleaned it up.
Received this today and knew right away where I would share it...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMDHdt8WIwE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMDHdt8WIwE)
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
It's always fun to listen to a new reporter or weather person trying to pronounce "Natchitoches" (and some other locations) on the local TV station. The old hands never tell them the correct pronunciation.
Now for you non Louisiana folks, try these:
Tchoupitoulas
Lecompte
Leger (proper name)
JIm
Thanks Matthew - I am going to share that one with my son.
Shamelessly lifted from an email called, "Mike's Funnies".
............so don't blame me, I'm just the messenger.......... ;D
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Shamelessly lifted from an email called, "Mike's Funnies".
............so don't blame me, I'm just the messenger.......... ;D
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Wow! Cheesy often? JK lol
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT5AB2SHakSgJr67tdIjzrNPBIL1lVFn8ZmNTc2i4IhAWNrhQiJXA)
Ok, a cheesy one; a freshly bar-b-q'ed cheeseburger goes into a bar for a cold beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
As long as we are on silly punsOk, a cheesy one; a freshly bar-b-q'ed cheeseburger goes into a bar for a cold beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse replies, “Yeah, that’d be great.”
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)
+1(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)
Dang, you just made me feel old with that one. Never really felt that way before lol.
I remember when the phone didn't have a rotary, and, what is this TV thing ....
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?' The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)
'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
You know you have a great dog when--
You go out to dinner and come back to find your house cleaner than it was
before: The dishes done; Your bed made and a slice of lemon in the toilet
bowl!
Does it matter? He's got a great dog.You know you have a great dog when--
You go out to dinner and come back to find your house cleaner than it was
before: The dishes done; Your bed made and a slice of lemon in the toilet
bowl!
Man r u brave, or single... :o
That blew right over the top your head Billy. I would elaborate but no need to dig me a deeper hole. ;DDoes it matter? He's got a great dog.You know you have a great dog when--
You go out to dinner and come back to find your house cleaner than it was
before: The dishes done; Your bed made and a slice of lemon in the toilet
bowl!
Man r u brave, or single... :o
;) This is proof that facial expression is 50% of a conversation Martin. I completely read between every line. :DThat blew right over the top your head Billy. I would elaborate but no need to dig me a deeper hole. ;DDoes it matter? He's got a great dog.You know you have a great dog when--
You go out to dinner and come back to find your house cleaner than it was
before: The dishes done; Your bed made and a slice of lemon in the toilet
bowl!
Man r u brave, or single... :o
The Built-in Sharpener was a great feature!
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
QuoteOnce you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
This is exactly why Hoosier Momma has stick instructions to bury my wearing a Hawaiian Shirt, Bermuda shorts and bare foot.
I will haunt her forever is she buries me in a suit.
If there's corn oil and vegetable oil and corn is a vegetable, does vegetable oil have corn oil in it ?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers ?
Truck For Sale... needs parts... serious inquiries only.
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37878882_1917732931852478_8768460147518341120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=1fe38a5788bbb252a98a9d6b06fce8a2&oe=5C0E72B5)
Guys can't drink, text, and drive successfully!
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this
taste funny to you?'
"click" if you want it larger. ;)
"click" if you want it larger. ;)Love it!
"click" if you want it larger. ;)
Overheard during an education reform committee meeting…
-they should put "A" & "U" next to each other in the alphabet.
-Wow! that's gold!!
Overheard during an education reform committee meeting…
-they should put "A" & "U" next to each other in the alphabet.
-Wow! that's gold!!
Must have been an elementry school..
I didn't even know the man was ill.
I'm good, thanks.I didn't even know the man was ill.
Move to the Chicago area, you'll find out all about it.
If you eat a whole pie without cutting it, technically, you have eaten only ONE piece.
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)
Dang, you just made me feel old with that one. Never really felt that way before lol.
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)
Dang, you just made me feel old with that one. Never really felt that way before lol.
True Story:
I have a rotary phone land line at by bedside. One day the teenage niece comes to visit. She asks, "can I use your phone to call my mom?" ...so I tell her 'use the bedroom phone so you have some privacy.
After like 5 minutes she comes out and says, "you're phones broken... I stuck my finger in all the holes and nothing happens."
sigh
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)
Dang, you just made me feel old with that one. Never really felt that way before lol.
True Story:
I have a rotary phone land line at by bedside. One day the teenage niece comes to visit. She asks, "can I use your phone to call my mom?" ...so I tell her 'use the bedroom phone so you have some privacy.
After like 5 minutes she comes out and says, "you're phones broken... I stuck my finger in all the holes and nothing happens."
sigh
Haha, lol!
If you've ever pulled your truck onto the front porch so you can work on it in the shade...
you might be a redneck.
(https://i.imgur.com/3njuEUEl.jpg)
If your living room furniture is now your lawn furniture, you might be a redneck.
If your living room furniture is now your lawn furniture, you might be a redneck.
I once used some outdoor furniture indoors.
Not quite certain what that says. :D
If your living room furniture is now your lawn furniture, you might be a redneck.
I once used some outdoor furniture indoors.
Not quite certain what that says. :D
Why did the turkey cross the road ?
He wanted people to think he was a chicken.
It worked at first too , the drunk people at the barbecue across the street actually thought he was a chicken .................,untill they started to eat him.
One tase and they threw him back.
DANG!Why did the turkey cross the road ?
He wanted people to think he was a chicken.
It worked at first too , the drunk people at the barbecue across the street actually thought he was a chicken .................,untill they started to eat him.
One tase and they threw him back.
I recently learned that the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke is actually some pretty dark humor about committing suicide.
"To get to the other side" does not mean the other side of the road...
-Whirly
DANG!Why did the turkey cross the road ?
He wanted people to think he was a chicken.
It worked at first too , the drunk people at the barbecue across the street actually thought he was a chicken .................,untill they started to eat him.
One tase and they threw him back.
I recently learned that the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke is actually some pretty dark humor about committing suicide.
"To get to the other side" does not mean the other side of the road...
-Whirly
Ya think?
That puts a whole new spin on it and actually makes sense.
...
If I were a chicken I would avoid a Chick-fil-a at all costs.
If I were a chicken I would avoid a Chick-fil-a at all costs.
it's dangerous, but man the smells are too tempting.
Last summer while out grocery shopping I actually saw a real nice looking big rooster lurking around the McDonald's across the street.
I've also seen a chicken and family of duck hanging out in front of a KFC I was eating at.
so, today was talk like a pirate day.
so, today was talk like a pirate day.
Awe MAN... you mean I missed it this year! :'(
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me there.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.
Quoted from Keith's post above:
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
True story about son #1....when he finally grew up a little and found a place to live that wasn't on the streets, and had bills to pay, he got a job locally driving a delivery truck for a local ice company (they freeze and bag ice to sell).
Well, he was almost still a kid....probably 20 or 21 years of age at the time.
One day, he was sent to deliver a load of ice to a rather remote area to the northwest of town. He drove into the drive and up to the gate, and was greeted by a couple of middle-aged frumpy women.....nude.
We had (maybe still have) a nudist camp within 20 miles of the town nearest where I live, and he wasn't aware of it.
I knew about it, because a couple of the nurses I worked with at the time were members, and used to ask if I wanted to come out...(heck no!)
Anyway....the son found out about the local nudist camp, and was probably psychologically scarred for life!
Hahahahahahah!!!
:D
That is a really good one, Marty!
that was time i'll never get back :P
that was time i'll never get back :P
That was too many words to read for this country boy. I take it, it was funny lol.
So what color would you like?that was time i'll never get back :P
That was too many words to read for this country boy. I take it, it was funny lol.
Yea, and I had a hard time with some of the big words. I didn't make it to the end either. But it was sure pretty with all the blue words.
"Surely, you daft woman, nobody would even send a Knight out on a Dog like this."
So what color would you like?that was time i'll never get back :P
That was too many words to read for this country boy. I take it, it was funny lol.
Yea, and I had a hard time with some of the big words. I didn't make it to the end either. But it was sure pretty with all the blue words.
I have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary
I have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary
I hope things are looking up for your friend. Meanwhile, I hope people don't stair at him.
He needs to take it one step at a time, life has it's ups and downs.ok, this joke has run it's course, we need to de-escolat-or this could get uglyI have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary
I hope things are looking up for your friend. Meanwhile, I hope people don't stair at him.
He needs to take it one step at a time, life has it's ups and downs.ok, this joke has run it's course, we need to de-escolat-or this could get uglyI have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary
I hope things are looking up for your friend. Meanwhile, I hope people don't stair at him.
He needs to take it one step at a time, life has it's ups and downs.ok, this joke has run it's course, we need to de-escolat-or this could get uglyI have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary
I hope things are looking up for your friend. Meanwhile, I hope people don't stair at him.
I remember when they had ladies sitting on a stool and running the elevator announcing the floors and what was on them. Was over 60 years ago.
I got this text to me today
I remember when they had ladies sitting on a stool and running the elevator announcing the floors and what was on them. Was over 60 years ago.
Yep, I remember "Elevator Operators"... They would have been the last of that carrier.
The joke is on me. That is some time I'll never get back. :PIt's not every day you are entertained with a love story on this forum but feel free to pass it on to someone you don't like ;D
I just burned my third Hawaiian pizza!
Maybe I should cook them on aloha temperature?
-W
During the initial space flights, NASA discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions.
To beat the problem, NASA spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.
All this time, the Russians used a pencil.
Yes, there are people like this.... and they're allowed to breed.
My cousin married one. He almost put his eye out with a scope on his shotgun.
I was driving back from Michigan the other night and saw a hitch hiker on the road.
Being the kind of Guy I am? I stopped to pick him up.
As we started down the lonely back road he commented with a chuckle,
"It was nice of you to stop. But how do you know I'm not a serial killer?".
I could only tell him............
"The odds of 2 serial killers meeting like this on a back road is astronomical!"
;D
A dislectic walks into a bra ...
HEY HEY HEY.... I resemble that! :P
You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
If this doesn't give you a smile....................
https://www.youtube.com/embed/4qo27xcVS5I (https://www.youtube.com/embed/4qo27xcVS5I)
Saw a dude wearing a Tshirt that said:Usually the Tshirt hides the stitches (and the tattoo that says "THAT WAS A STUPID TO DO". )
It's all fun and games until
someone gets hurt....
....then it's hilarious!
........ I'm just easier to see.
Thank you Jeff.(https://tromainegardens.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/osha-cowboy.jpg)
I agree that everything is over-regulated and some of the federal regulations are just that stupid.
In about 1970 there was a cartoon showing an "OSHA Cowboy".
If someone still has that cartoon, please post it.
In about 1970 there was a cartoon showing an "OSHA Cowboy".
If someone still has that cartoon, please post it.
2 things you can depend on.
Every time OSHA would show up, everyone would just stop working and take a break until they left.
Keith,
Thank you for the O.S.H.A Cowboy!
That is the one that I was trying to find.
Ha ha... no problem.
Here is an OSHA uniform for you.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BSYpzA1IMAAiOU0.jpg)
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".HA!HA! ;D
John came fifth and won a toaster.
Most people think that when you find a discarded coin in your house it got there by accident.
I actually think it was brought there by spiders trying to pay you rent.
Don’t you just hate it when your clothes mysteriously vanish and you get arrested for being half-naked in public.
That’s the last time I'll ever wear Bermuda shorts!
Bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parrot.
We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”
Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parrot.
We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”
LOL
Most people think that when you find a discarded coin in your house it got there by accident.That last one sounded familiar, and I remembered I had posted it a while back.
I actually think it was brought there by spiders trying to pay you rent.
Don’t you just hate it when your clothes mysteriously vanish and you get arrested for being half-naked in public.
That’s the last time I'll ever wear Bermuda shorts!
Bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Happy wife, happy life!
There is nothing that rhymes with Happy Husband...
So welcome to marriage.
I read a book that said to treat your Wife like you treated her on your first date.
So after dinner I dropped her off at her parents house.
(https://scontent.fhhr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/50459928_2021452881480482_8923870154689871872_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_ht=scontent.fhhr1-1.fna&oh=58deedb9d60b232f38bd905635338bda&oe=5CBE56F4)
It would be so funny if it wasn't so true....
You know why you never see a dead crow in the road ?
Because there is always another crow up there yelling "Karr , Karr"
I hate funerals...
I don't even want to go to my own.
I hate funerals...
I don't even want to go to my own.
Really, then why do you have a coffin lined up for that special day. Is there some kind of fad going on I don't know about? :o
Long story short...
I went to school with the local mortician, every since the first grade.
I told Brian what I want... plain, no frills, pine box.
I don't want Hoosier Momma to waste money on all that. After all, he's just going to bury it.
Dress me in one of my Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts,... barefoot.
I have told them both if they put me in a suite for eternity, I will Haunt them both for it.
Long story short...
I went to school with the local mortician, every since the first grade.
I told Brian what I want... plain, no frills, pine box.
I don't want Hoosier Momma to waste money on all that. After all, he's just going to bury it.
Dress me in one of my Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts,... barefoot.
I have told them both if they put me in a suite for eternity, I will Haunt them both for it.
eeeewwwwwwwwwww, that is a scary thought! :o
Long story short...
I went to school with the local mortician, every since the first grade.
I told Brian what I want... plain, no frills, pine box.
I don't want Hoosier Momma to waste money on all that. After all, he's just going to bury it.
Dress me in one of my Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts,... barefoot.
I have told them both if they put me in a suite for eternity, I will Haunt them both for it.
eeeewwwwwwwwwww, that is a scary thought! :o
Yea.... I almost lost it at the Bermuda shorts and barefoot, too. :P ;) ;D
I got mugged!!! Someone stole my cup of coffee. ;D
Just think... if he had died in the '80s he would have been buried in his Daisy Dukes and a half shirt.
Now THAT'S scary.
Just think... if he had died in the '80s he would have been buried in his Daisy Dukes and a half shirt.
Now THAT'S scary.
And sporting a mullet :o
How do you people know all this?
Trail cameras! ;DHow do you people know all this?
Long range drones.
I got mugged!!! Someone stole my cup of coffee. ;DWow I’m slow...
I got mugged!!! Someone stole my cup of coffee. ;DWow I’m slow...
I just got this. 🤓
^^^I will sit in the corner & write 10,000 lines; "I will not make fun of Hoosier Daddy".Can I have a personal item? Even a lock of hair will do. ;)
You can do what Gary Cooper did in; The Westerner.^^^I will sit in the corner & write 10,000 lines; "I will not make fun of Hoosier Daddy".Can I have a personal item? Even a lock of hair will do. ;)
??? ??? ??? ??? That rear sight is ---um---unconventional?
Told the Doc I wasn't feeling well. He told me to walk 5 miles a day and call him in a week. When I called, he asked how I felt. I told him I felt the same, I'm 35 miles from home and not sure how I'll get home.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee,and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
So I'm at Walmart buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was not enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!!That would have made a great YouTube video. Can you do that again with a straight face?
Disclaimer: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!! (Your wife would probably hit you with the frying pan, and you would wind up in intensive care with tubes . . . .)
Autocorrect is my worst enema.
A truck loaded with with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned at a major intersection, there was no congestion for over 8 hours.
Do they fry Popeye's chicken in Olive Oyl?
How do you make a Republican mad ? ..................... Lie to them !
How do you make a Democrat mad ? ...................... Tell them the truth !
Difficult task considering I refuse to speak to either.... ;)How do you make a Republican mad ? ..................... Lie to them !
How do you make a Democrat mad ? ...................... Tell them the truth !
Regardless of party affiliation, now that we know the truth, we should all be mad.
-W
Difficult task considering I refuse to speak to either.... ;)How do you make a Republican mad ? ..................... Lie to them !
How do you make a Democrat mad ? ...................... Tell them the truth !
Regardless of party affiliation, now that we know the truth, we should all be mad.
-W
LOL..... I don't hate anyone... I just don't have anything to say to some.I have a lot to say. But they ain't listening!
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."And that's when OSHA began?
The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."
"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.
"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.
He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!
And that's when OSHA began?
A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."
He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"
"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.
Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!
The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.
However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
A BRICK!!!!
I figured something was up but I didn't want to call you out, you know, in case you passed out mid joke?
It has been a strange day.
First, I found a hat full of money.
Then, I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.
My friend David had his ID stolen.Love that one for obvious reasons, but because we share the same first name my dad would as well.
Now he is Dav.
A fellow asked me what a hoedown was.
I told him it was sort of like a shindig but more like a hootenanny.
I could tell he was still confused because his face went all cattywampus.
Gary
A fellow asked me what a hoedown was.
I told him it was sort of like a shindig but more like a hootenanny.
I could tell he was still confused because his face went all cattywampus.
Gary
Bare in mind, this IS the World Wide Web....Yep. Down South!
.
.
.
Even Southeners have a place.
;D
jeff i wish ALL companies did this! i've had too many home improvements go wrong because the contractor i hired left non-english speaking workers to complete the job and they messed it up.
i now write into all contracts that ALL workers on MY projects must speak and understand english or they are not to be left alone on the job. a couple of years ago i hired a tree service to remove an english walnut that came down in a storm. i marked the trunk of the tree with a clause in the contract that it be placed, whole, on my driveway so i could bring it to a lumber mill for my shop.
I would have to add, just because they speak english does NOT mean you won't have problems like this.
My wife calls it not having the A team.
the foreman left 4 non-english speaking workers and they cut up all the wood and hauled it away. i refused to pay him. he threatened me with court and i showed him the contract that stated NO NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING WORKERS ARE TO BE LEFT UNATTENDED and the clause about the wood. i also had took measurements of the tree trunk and pictures. the lumber mill offered me $3,000 for it. so i threatened him with a $3,000 lawsuit and he left my premises never to return.
I know 'em and I'm a 24 year old from northern California ;DA fellow asked me what a hoedown was.
I told him it was sort of like a shindig but more like a hootenanny.
I could tell he was still confused because his face went all cattywampus.
Gary
Gary,
How do you know hoedown, hootenanny and cattywampus?
You are from Illinois and them are southern words.
I know them because I am from the eastern Kentucky foothills(Frenchburg and Means and Camargo, KY).
I was told this joke by a group of 8-9 year olds a few years ago.I remember this one , the funny thing is that my gay brother is the one who told it to me.
What do you feed a gay bull?
HAaaay.
The inflection means everything. When those kids said it, I almost got a hernia from laughing.
No offense intended to anyone.
For all of you old guys who remember Allan Sherman's Camp Granada someone sent me this today-
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making
us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We
are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily,
none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for
Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for
the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone
without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The
wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our
clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to
break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's
a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes
he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman
stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact,
he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the
mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are
logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in
the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across
the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water
from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He
didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to
cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit
badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Billy
PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car accident?
- a Tyrannosaurus.....Wrecks. ;D ;D
Thank you, thank you...I'm here till Friday!
What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car accident?
- a Tyrannosaurus.....Wrecks. ;D ;D
Thank you, thank you...I'm here till Friday!
Maybe someone can the explain this joke to me....
I've had enough "elderly" people "crack this joke" at me in my lifetime.... when i say "i dont know" the bust out laughing....
"Why DID the cat come back?"
Hmmmm.... never heard the second half of that.. Have I really been that sheltered?No, I don't think either of us have been sheltered that much.
... I was amazed at how long she could stare at me without blinking or expression.
... I was amazed at how long she could stare at me without blinking or expression.
LOL... No seriously... I Laughed Out Loud.
Because that strikes too close to home.
FYI: Hoosier Momma and Betty Lou should never meet.
OR... maybe they should! Might help explain things.
What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car accident?
- a Tyrannosaurus.....Wrecks. ;D ;D
Thank you, thank you...I'm here till Friday!
LOL! It will take that long for the tomatoes to make it to Guam! :P :P :P
What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car accident?
- a Tyrannosaurus.....Wrecks. ;D ;D
Thank you, thank you...I'm here till Friday!
This is simply awesome! Memorizing for future use as a "Dad Joke."
-Whirly
Gary,
How do you know hoedown, hootenanny and cattywampus?
You are from Illinois and them are southern words.
I know them because I am from the eastern Kentucky foothills(Frenchburg and Means and Camargo, KY).
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69850334_2155993847856692_6431714990343847936_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQkxatZpPigHneiUvtJBWEHCHY3y_na70czk2Abk-XbBguEwQ4vtTqFETDJK0bPqBibp0DR5Y4j0hCzRf4ds9OMH&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=4d68bf21fb38ec8d196b027d0a53961d&oe=5DD22B97)
HAHAHAHAHAHAH- good ones, Mike! :DThank you.
The last 12 seconds of a man's life on video...
(https://gtaforums.com/uploads/profile/photo-thumb-910946.jpg)
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Hey, it hurt A LOT when I hit my head. And I still have a scar too. ;D ;D
Helping HandThat is funny but, did they get the car fixed? :o
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle...especially in public. From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News
comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
That story gives a whole new meaning to Crestview. It use to be because it was the highest point in Florida.Been there a few times.... never to Walmart, mind you.
That story gives a whole new meaning to Crestview. It use to be because it was the highest point in Florida.235 feet above sea level. ---> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crestview%2C_Florida (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crestview%2C_Florida)
Ground Support
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
*INSURANCE CLAIM*
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.... and the barrel came careening down upon me. Thus causing the assorted fractured ribs.
For all those telemarketers you'd like to get even with for spoiling your quiet dinner...………
https://famguardian.org/Subjects/PropertyPrivacy/Articles/Tom_Mabe.mp4
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
;D Just imagine what it like to be my age. Getting my socks on in the morning may be my high point of the day!
(https://scontent.fphl2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70733612_2177448499214252_8725633954868101120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_oc=AQl7PYnjb4PjWNnNX-qAK8dTbkZIa2uEnekEWaKM_pRgaRH3-x1hDjqTzMOXjete6nF7YyXnaXnaYX0Z5oMHlCoy&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-2.fna&oh=b13b29f5439352e544f427c94056d3ac&oe=5DFACAB7)
(https://scontent.fphl2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70733612_2177448499214252_8725633954868101120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_oc=AQl7PYnjb4PjWNnNX-qAK8dTbkZIa2uEnekEWaKM_pRgaRH3-x1hDjqTzMOXjete6nF7YyXnaXnaYX0Z5oMHlCoy&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-2.fna&oh=b13b29f5439352e544f427c94056d3ac&oe=5DFACAB7)
Im 26 and my fat boody is allready pulling my calves putting socks on.....
I do/try to figure which position to hold/carry certain items at work to exercise certain muscles... but the belly/chest is not one of them.... your belly in general can affect alot of things youd never expect...
good advice Kerry.
i'm almost 60 and i just moved and compacted 8 tons of wet crushed stone with a shovel and wheelbarrow in 2 days. yesterday another 5 tons was delivered and i would have moved it today, but it's raining. i'm not a big guy either. 5' 8" & 170lbs.
keep active and don't forget to stretch. believe me, it's easier to stay in shape than it is to get back in shape the older you get.[size=78%] [/size]
(https://scontent.fphl2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70733612_2177448499214252_8725633954868101120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_oc=AQl7PYnjb4PjWNnNX-qAK8dTbkZIa2uEnekEWaKM_pRgaRH3-x1hDjqTzMOXjete6nF7YyXnaXnaYX0Z5oMHlCoy&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-2.fna&oh=b13b29f5439352e544f427c94056d3ac&oe=5DFACAB7)
A Nun ThingYeah, pretty sure I would need to ask for forgiveness for more than lying...
A cab driver picks up a young and fairly good-looking
Nun. She gets into the cab, and the driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. I work in the disadvantaged neighborhoods and when you have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, perhaps we can do something about that.
But #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too !!"
The Nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a long hot passionate kiss.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
My dear child," said the Nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess. I'm married and I'm a Baptist."
The Nun says, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
Viagra’s Secret Recipe
I knew we would find this out someday. They finally released the
ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
Kris.... that's only in the his and hers kit.Viagra’s Secret Recipe
I knew we would find this out someday. They finally released the
ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
With optional band aids, duct tape, and bailing wire. ;)
Seniors
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country. Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."
Just look at the seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
Unfortunately, while originally was set in good intent, the first amendment has been greatly abused by the press to blaspheme. Considering the thought of our for-fathers who wrote it.
Oop's that political... can't go there.
Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer" :o ;D ;D
Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer" :o ;D ;D
The reason it's not official is because it would cost something like $75000 per road sign to change everything to stupid kilometers.
Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer" :o ;D ;D
The reason it's not official is because it would cost something like $75000 per road sign to change everything to stupid kilometers.
"they will make the yardstick no longer"
(if they did it wouldn't be a yardstick) :o
* Another Classic*
A wife on her deathbed.
An old man is at his wife's deathbed in their home.
The old woman whispers to her husband.
"My husband, I want to show you something before I pass."
The husband replies "what is it my dear? I'll do anything you ask.."
"I want you to open the chest locker at the foot of the bed that I always kept locked."
"I will! I've always wondered what was in there."
The old man opens the chest and inside is $50,000 and 3 ears of corn.
"I have to ask honey, why is there 3 ears of corn in there."
"Well," the old woman answered. "Every time I committed adultery I would put an ear of corn in the chest."
"Oh, I forgive you my love, it's been 60 years. But why the $50 thousand?"
"When I collected a bushel, I sold it."
Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer" :o ;D ;D
The reason it's not official is because it would cost something like $75000 per road sign to change everything to stupid kilometers.
I have been though it twice. Remember in the 70's when it got as far as selling gasoline by the liter?Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer" :o ;D ;D
The reason it's not official is because it would cost something like $75000 per road sign to change everything to stupid kilometers.
IDOT did it and it was a real pain and we switched back.
BIG question is do you go with a hard or soft conversion. Do you just measure everything in meters such as pavement width and end up with decimals or go with a new standard width?
Converting all the old plans, records and stationing was a monumental task.
Metric would be great, lots easier to calculate but I wish they had done it 200 years ago, not while I had to deal with it.
Good one Kris. ;)
Nice Jeff!Me too.
Also got a kick out of your new avatar. ;)
"If you stick that "dang" thing in me one more time, I'll break
it in half!"
."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Nice Jeff!Me too.
Also got a kick out of your new avatar. ;)
The show was still okay with Andy's sharp Whit, but Knott's as Barney Pfeiff really made the show.
After all these years my wife still thinks I am sexy. Just the other day as I was walking away after talking to her I heard her say, ‘What an @@@’!
Gary
The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.(https://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/incredibly-stupid.gif)
The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.
Insert rimshot here. 8)
If the gopher was home, I'd say he got him! :o
Many years ago in the country near Lafayette, Louisiana, a farmer was taking a break from plowing behind a mule drawn plow. While he stood in the shade of a tree leaning on the fence, a car slowly drove up and stopped. A well dressed, young man rolled down the window and asked: Where does this road go?" The farmer thought for a while and answered that he had been standing in the shade for about 15 minutes and the road hadn't gone anywhere yet! Mildly agitated, the young man asked: "If I continue driving on this road, how long will it take me to get to Lafayette?" The farmer answered that he didn't know because he had never been to Lafayette. Really angry now, the young man asked: "What is the next town down this road?" The farmer thought for a long while and answered that there was not any town on this road that he knew about.Sounds like the farmer had a little entertainment during his break. Good one.
Completely frustrated, the city boy commented: There isn't much separating you from a 'jackass'.
Still leaning on the fence in the shade of the tree, the farmer said: Only a fence. And I ain't the one what's lost!
If the gopher was home, I'd say he got him! :o
IF.... thats a big word.
I dont think insurance will cover that.
Idiot Pours Gasoline Down Gopher Hole, Ignites With Predictable ResultsCarl Spackler would be proud!
(https://i.imgflip.com/3e0ibe.gif)
INDEED!He could hire an Armadillo. They were always re-doing my yard at the Louisiana house! >:( >:(
It's not exactly C-4, but he's definitely going to have to re-landscape the back yard.
I feel bad for the two dogs there. Eeeck.
I feel bad for the two dogs there. Eeeck.
Makes me wonder where were the 2 dogs when the burrow was being dug? ;)
I feel bad for the two dogs there. Eeeck.
Makes me wonder where were the 2 dogs when the burrow was being dug? ;)
Well... before the excavation, the one in the yard flew behind the shed(?).... the other ran out from the house? From looking it over a few times.
The burrow probably got deep because the dogs ;) scared him to death he needed to dig to china.
(https://forums.majorgeeks.com/attachments/img_1846-jpg.236321/)
This is not a remedy for groundhogs but does work for yellow jackets that nest in the ground and no fire involved. Wait till dusk so they all are in the nest in the hole in the ground and fill a long neck beer bottle full of gas and quickly turn it upside down while plugging the hole with the bottle so the gas and fumes fill the hole blocking the exit. The next am you will have a hole full of dead yellow jackets.That’s the way to it. By waiting til dark you get the whole colony. We’ve even poured it down a ten foot section of PVC pipe right in their access hole with very good results also.
BD
Good one Mike! Even if it might be a little too close to home... (chuckle/heavy sigh)
Never thought I would get this old or I would have taken much better care of myself.
No, I am not even close to 80. Well, if I was still 20, I might really believe that. (chuckle)
Time is relative and time flies.
Good one Mike! Even if it might be a little too close to home... (chuckle/heavy sigh)
Never thought I would get this old or I would have taken much better care of myself.
No, I am not even close to 80. Well, if I was still 20, I might really believe that. (chuckle)
Time is relative and time flies.
Lol....being in my 60s is pretty lame as far as I am concerned!
A couple of weeks ago, I was in a store that offers senior discounts on tuesdays. When she rang up my bill, I asked to make sure she had given me the discount (she hadn't), then I chuckled and told her that the senior discounts were the only fun thing about getting older...that the rest of it sucked. Haha! She got a huge laugh from that!
Although I have been told I wear my age well. LOL I get offended if they do not offer the discount. I guess when we get this old its not as easy to offend at least for me anyway. Come with a grey beard and slow limping gate it should be a no brainer. ??? ???
BD
Although I have been told I wear my age well. LOL I get offended if they do not offer the discount. I guess when we get this old its not as easy to offend at least for me anyway. Come with a grey beard and slow limping gate it should be a no brainer. ??? ???
BD
When clean shaven I am told I look 10-15 years younger. I am not one for trying to look young or deceive anyone. I think/feel I have earned the right to look my age. I don't understand those that do, unless it is tied to their income to do so. I am not talking about keeping "fit" just things like wrinkles and graying hair, I just let it happen as it happens. I had to shave every day for all my work life and now I don't have to. When I was 21 I was off work for about 7 months and grew a beard and it was very red tinted, which was a bit of a surprise even though there are red heads in my family tree (I had one red headed grandpa), I don't have red hair on any other part of my body. Now all these years later mostly gray and with some shades of brown, not really any red that I can see, weird, but should get me the senior discount without asking. My dad had black hair when he was younger and was totally gray before he hit 50. Even though dad was gray then just judging by his physique he appeared to be in his mid to late 20's. On his 85th birthday he did 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and was bicycling an hour every night.
Betty Lou and Rambo accept me the way I am.... I really don't care what anyone else thinks... it's none of my business.Although I have been told I wear my age well. LOL I get offended if they do not offer the discount. I guess when we get this old its not as easy to offend at least for me anyway. Come with a grey beard and slow limping gate it should be a no brainer. ??? ???
BD
When clean shaven I am told I look 10-15 years younger. I am not one for trying to look young or deceive anyone. I think/feel I have earned the right to look my age. I don't understand those that do, unless it is tied to their income to do so. I am not talking about keeping "fit" just things like wrinkles and graying hair, I just let it happen as it happens. I had to shave every day for all my work life and now I don't have to. When I was 21 I was off work for about 7 months and grew a beard and it was very red tinted, which was a bit of a surprise even though there are red heads in my family tree (I had one red headed grandpa), I don't have red hair on any other part of my body. Now all these years later mostly gray and with some shades of brown, not really any red that I can see, weird, but should get me the senior discount without asking. My dad had black hair when he was younger and was totally gray before he hit 50. Even though dad was gray then just judging by his physique he appeared to be in his mid to late 20's. On his 85th birthday he did 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and was bicycling an hour every night.
My career never required me to be clean shaven or even well groomed, after an hour working on cars covered in road grime and oil my clothes had stains all over them so my long hair and un kept beard were never noticed. I also did not interact with the public much if at all so again appearance was not the qualification required for the job. When I got the job a Harley as a durability research mechanic I had hair down to my butt when braided and unshaven beard and I was one of the better groomed employees. I am sure you know Harley bikers are seldom concerned about good looks and proper attire for a white collar world. In my younger years I was a red beard and light brown hair, still have the long light brown hair with some grey at the temples and full white beard. Some days I feel young but most days I feel well worn and put up wet. ;D ;D :o
BD
Betty Lou and Rambo accept me the way I am.... I really don't care what anyone else thinks... it's none of my business.Although I have been told I wear my age well. LOL I get offended if they do not offer the discount. I guess when we get this old its not as easy to offend at least for me anyway. Come with a grey beard and slow limping gate it should be a no brainer. ??? ???
BD
When clean shaven I am told I look 10-15 years younger. I am not one for trying to look young or deceive anyone. I think/feel I have earned the right to look my age. I don't understand those that do, unless it is tied to their income to do so. I am not talking about keeping "fit" just things like wrinkles and graying hair, I just let it happen as it happens. I had to shave every day for all my work life and now I don't have to. When I was 21 I was off work for about 7 months and grew a beard and it was very red tinted, which was a bit of a surprise even though there are red heads in my family tree (I had one red headed grandpa), I don't have red hair on any other part of my body. Now all these years later mostly gray and with some shades of brown, not really any red that I can see, weird, but should get me the senior discount without asking. My dad had black hair when he was younger and was totally gray before he hit 50. Even though dad was gray then just judging by his physique he appeared to be in his mid to late 20's. On his 85th birthday he did 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and was bicycling an hour every night.
My career never required me to be clean shaven or even well groomed, after an hour working on cars covered in road grime and oil my clothes had stains all over them so my long hair and un kept beard were never noticed. I also did not interact with the public much if at all so again appearance was not the qualification required for the job. When I got the job a Harley as a durability research mechanic I had hair down to my butt when braided and unshaven beard and I was one of the better groomed employees. I am sure you know Harley bikers are seldom concerned about good looks and proper attire for a white collar world. In my younger years I was a red beard and light brown hair, still have the long light brown hair with some grey at the temples and full white beard. Some days I feel young but most days I feel well worn and put up wet. ;D ;D :o
BD
I shower daily, wear slacks, a collared shirt, deodorant and brush my hair and teeth for work.... which is more than I can say for some others. I don't hide my tattoos and I like my Converse tennis shoes or Doc Martins. I wear pants that fit and, while at work, the bill of my hat is in the front. At home and play it may be in the back but never, ever cocked to one side.
I don't wear a ring, a watch a necklace or piercings. My hair and beard are not grey. They are chrome and that's all the bling you're gonna find on me.
I don't care what others think of my appearance. I feel better in a flat top.
And yes I have hair down to the small of my back in the '70 -'80s
Back on topic..
A women takes her male Great Dane to the Vet and says every time she bends over the dog tries to mount her.
The Veteranarian tells her he can cure that by neutering him.
The woman exclaimed NO!
Just trim his nails and brush his teeth!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ;D
I don't care what others think of my appearance. I feel better in a flat top.
And yes I have hair down to the small of my back in the '70 -'80s
Back on topic..
A women takes her male Great Dane to the Vet and says every time she bends over the dog tries to mount her.
The Veteranarian tells her he can cure that by neutering him.
The woman exclaimed NO!
Just trim his nails and brush his teeth!
BD
Turkey Hunting
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/89/1f/9e/891f9ee33524dcff9fdda13d55eb4e41.jpg)
But what about if it says "AFLAC"?
Poweful Stuff
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest
came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it
on a cat's @@@ and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
Loud pipes save lives.
BD
Loud pipes save lives.
BD
BS. I've heard that moronic saying, the "cone of safety" hog wash.
That "cone of safety" is LOUDEST after you have passed.
So, BS! All you are doing is ^*%$#@ off everyone in your vicinity.
Have more respect for people who don't want to hear your LOUD PIPES!
Almost as bad as the sub-woofers some people use that can be "felt" for over a half mile away!!!
OK, I said all I have to say about that.
Sorry, it is still BS. And your reply proves it. I put 66,000 miles on a Goldwing in 2 years. It was quiet and I never had to put a boot into a door.Loud pipes save lives.
BD
BS. I've heard that moronic saying, the "cone of safety" hog wash.
That "cone of safety" is LOUDEST after you have passed.
So, BS! All you are doing is ^*%$#@ off everyone in your vicinity.
Have more respect for people who don't want to hear your LOUD PIPES!
Almost as bad as the sub-woofers some people use that can be "felt" for over a half mile away!!!
OK, I said all I have to say about that.
I knew that statement would get someone's ayre up. I can say from first hand experience that it is not BS since it has saved my life several times over the course of 50 years on two wheels. Just ask the cage drivers that have huge dents in their doors from my riding boots. They have has saved my life from as far back as 1972 when I first started riding street legal dirt bikes and the non observant cage drivers would move over into my lane. A rev of the engine in sync with a boot to the door gets their attention immediately. I ride defensively aggressive in order to protect my self and my position on the roadways.
BD
This has gone from a "Got Jokes" thread to an argument real fast over a joke about turpentine. ::)And that, in it's self, is almost laughable..... almost.
A lot here, hope you find some you like--
Halloween Q&A: These are from Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
(Clynch Varnadore)
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.
Whom did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.
How can you send mail to skeletons?
Bony Express
(Stan Kegel)
Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?
She wasn't his blood type.
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
(Gary Hallock)
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.
How did the ghost repair his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.
(Clynch Varnadore)
Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
(Gary Hallock)
What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.
What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?
A washin' werewolf.
How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.
Whom did the zombie invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle.
(Norman Gilbert)
Why did the vampire joined the police force?
So he could learn the correct way to get a stakeout.
(Gary Hallock)
Why did the skeleton go to hospital?
To have his ghoul stones removed.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings?
Lazy bones
What do boney people use to get into their homes?
Skeleton keys
What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.
Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
They knew he wouldn't show up.
(Gary Hallock)
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
(Clynch Varnadore)
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
(Lederer & Entner)
How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
He kept his monster in stitches.
(Gary Hallock)
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer
(Clynch Varnadore)
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
(Clynch Varnadore)
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps.
(Gary Hallock)
If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
At a store where they retail spirits.
(Stan Kegel)
Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get a head in life.
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"
What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling
What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.
What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home?
A grave problem.
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away.
(Gary Hallock)
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer
What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch
Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
He wants to use them later for cold cuts.
How do ghosts begin letters?
"Tomb it may concern."
What is the best place for a haunted house?
On a dead end street.
What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."
What does Dracula get when he doesn't brush his teeth
Bat breath
What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
Wrap!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
(Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)
After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back
from the drugstore?
Prints of darkness
(Gary Hallock)
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
"I'd like to get to gnaw you."
Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building
What can you say about the likeableness of a ghoul?
Zombie nice, Zombie not so nice.
(Gary Hallock)
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream
(Clynch Varnadore)
What kind of car do the German scientists who clone sheep drive?
Vee Double Ewe
(Gary Hallock)
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a-goblin.
(Clynch Varnadore)
What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray
(Clynch Varnadore)
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
A terror wrist.
Who is the witches favorite singer?
Robert Ghoulet
(Stan Kegel)
Gary
...the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up...
Where can you obtain Holy Water?
You take ordinary tap water, and then boil the h e ll out of it :)
One Day.....
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you gonna do? Point to you watch and say TIME'S UP?"
Cows and Bulls
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked a bit further and a third pen had a bull with a sign
saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one!"
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
We are pleased to report that the husband's condition has now been upgraded from critical to stable. and he is expected to make a full recovery from his injuries.
Sorry, it is still BS. And your reply proves it. I put 66,000 miles on a Goldwing in 2 years. It was quiet and I never had to put a boot into a door.Loud pipes save lives.
BD
BS. I've heard that moronic saying, the "cone of safety" hog wash.
That "cone of safety" is LOUDEST after you have passed.
So, BS! All you are doing is ^*%$#@ off everyone in your vicinity.
Have more respect for people who don't want to hear your LOUD PIPES!
Almost as bad as the sub-woofers some people use that can be "felt" for over a half mile away!!!
OK, I said all I have to say about that.
I knew that statement would get someone's ayre up. I can say from first hand experience that it is not BS since it has saved my life several times over the course of 50 years on two wheels. Just ask the cage drivers that have huge dents in their doors from my riding boots. They have has saved my life from as far back as 1972 when I first started riding street legal dirt bikes and the non observant cage drivers would move over into my lane. A rev of the engine in sync with a boot to the door gets their attention immediately. I ride defensively aggressive in order to protect my self and my position on the roadways.
BD
One thing I did learn from riding all those miles is you have to learn to be a defensive driver on a bike. That is not saying you should be an offensive driver.
Defensively aggressive is the same as saying you are an offensive driver. If your bike is so loud it is obnoxious, you have a problem.
I call them as I see/hear them.
Dad had a White but it was grey...
"Your Mama's so Fat"....... "If she falls down, she'll cause another Global Extinction"...... :o :o 8)
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
Now, that is a good one Mike!
My 5-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have
to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus
eight?"
"Five." answered the nephew.
"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."
------------------------------------
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
Gary
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/76688999_3038164596213304_3693565380845895680_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_ohc=n4Xn7EJT5xQAQlvfyIL6vT9DCTfL7Awzmkr6ns5VwVe7k957L8yTg0y5Q&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=d7ec8b6450ffe370dcfa30ae7e3433e2&oe=5E457D33)Hahaha. That reminds me of the first time my cousins husband took her deer hunting.
Don’t forget to turn your scales back 15 lb Wed night for Thanksgiving.
Gary I’m glad you reminded me, somebody set mine ahead 25lbs. last spring. lol
Gary
Are Zoo Kidding Me
A Wild Animal Park acquired a rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, this new female gorilla became
very difficult to handle. The veterinarian determined
that she was in heat. To make matters worse, there
was no male gorilla.
Reflecting on the problem, the administrator thought
of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern,
responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Eddie had little sense, but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species. The administrator
thought they might have a solution. He approached
Eddie with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for $500?
Eddie showed some interest but said he would have to
think about the matter. The next day, Eddie said he
would accept, but only under the following conditions.
"First, I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
The administrator agreed to this condition.
"Second" Eddie said "You must never tell anyone about
this." The administrator again agreed.
"Third, I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
And last Eddie said "You've got to give me another
week to come up with the $500."
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
Rodney Dangerfield:Nobody had a delivery quite like Rodney.
I had an uncle that was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
One of the greats!Iconic to be sure!
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
That's one reason I don't like Golf.I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
Jeff... I like the rationalization.
Makes perfect sense to me.
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
when i was in high school once a year the faculty would play against the basketball team while riding donkeys. it was amusing to say the least.Yep, life was harder back then, before we all had cars. 8)
Thanks for the laughfs :) Now on a more serious note I think I got myself in a bit of a pickle...
(https://scontent-ort2-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/78552226_3260374100701481_1970671221792047104_o.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ohc=YoquIPl6wdoAQm992H5tmwRfCNe0sVUQgDs_fm15lgDWmiB3aBLTDbjlQ&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-2.xx&oh=f382eb92257333465d247eecb4e4676b&oe=5E83AAB3)
Found this on one of the FB AG forums ;)
Thanks for the laughfs :) Now on a more serious note I think I got myself in a bit of a pickle...
(https://scontent-ort2-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/78552226_3260374100701481_1970671221792047104_o.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ohc=YoquIPl6wdoAQm992H5tmwRfCNe0sVUQgDs_fm15lgDWmiB3aBLTDbjlQ&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-2.xx&oh=f382eb92257333465d247eecb4e4676b&oe=5E83AAB3)
Found this on one of the FB AG forums ;)
*TRUE STORY*
Three years from now I will be 60.
At 18 a Doctor sat me down and with a stern look said "Son, if you keep up this life style, you won't live to see 25, and I will be looking at you corpse saying 'I told you so'..."
That Doc has been dead for decades.
Shows what he knew.
;)
I had a nightmare that I died, and my wife sold all my guns for the prices I told her I paid for them.
I had a nightmare that I died, and my wife sold all my guns for the prices I told her I paid for them.Pretty sure that after I die I won't really even care if she gives them away. May just be a better thought for me to sell them before I die and have fun with the money..... wait, I think I bought them to have fun with the money I spent on them.
"Hey maam, i just happened to notice you have a juicy buity* and the maggots are loving it."Bwa-Ha-Ha!
Chicky...You do know your Tesla is electric... right?
;D ;) ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o82C3eOY_A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o82C3eOY_A)
You missed the point... turn off the sound and watch it again.
Maybe then you will get it.
You missed the point... turn off the sound and watch it again.
Maybe then you will get it.
Adding gas to an electrical outlet is never a good idea! LOL!
Chivalry, is DEAD!
Didn't anyone tell her it runs (mostly) on coal?
Gary
Eye Chart
A Polish guy goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
The time comes to take the eye exam, and the clerk shows him the chart with the letters,
"C Z W I X N O S T A C Z".
"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
"Can I read it...?" the Polish guy replies, ..."I know the guy."
.(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=105224.0;attach=294338;image)
A guy was having some terrible headaches. So he went the doctor. After a complete exam, the doctor diagnosed "Abnormal Testicular Pressure" which was causing irregular spikes in the blood flow to the affected area. That in turn was causing spikes in the "Cranial Blood Pressure". The doctor said that it was a very dangerous situation which could eventually cause a stroke. Our guy was only 39 years old and didn't want to suffer a stroke at such a young age. The doctor said: But don't fret, because there is a simple solution - Castration. Because the headaches were terrible and getting worse, he went ahead with the surgery.
After he recovered, he felt so good that we decided to buy some new clothes. When he was at the store trying on clothes for a head to toe makeover, the tailor was measuring him to make sure he got the right size garments. And when his waist was measured, the taylor said you have a perfect 34" waist. The guy said but, I want 32" shorts and pants. I like the way they fit. The taylor insisted that he should get 34" shorts and pants too. Our guy came back with a statement that he had been wearing 32" shorts and pants since he was in his teens. The taylor said: Sure, 32" was okay then. But you matured a little since your teens. And if you try wearing 32" pants and shorts now, it will give you a terrible headache.
maybe this thread has gone too long, jokes are starting to repeat.
Great jokes are always retold! My Dad was living proof and then he wasn't,
BobH.maybe this thread has gone too long, jokes are starting to repeat.
At least the magician ain't gonna go hungry.
Aunt Penny
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Penny. Aunt Penny was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the h311 away from Aunt Penny when she's been drinking."
Women over 50.
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12321474_1059180427448782_8255988023705775370_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQmmNPzybtT_geR7yUl9cfHec8ygmZCsTsXUEB-jyQo-pK9Ik842GC45-t-DTTLMw7zm4fzFD4RUtYuMD4URz8FY&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=abcd24a257cb4553a86d052b8b393d13&oe=5E702275)
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash with the chain gang along the highways the rest of the week.
You always have the best jokes Mike. ;D
Aunt Penny is the best one so far.
A Little Christmas Tree History
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
....and so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Where Is He?
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile
of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian,
"Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah
couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese guy ...
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells
. . . . .
"SUPPLIES!"
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says, “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”
The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, puts on her shirt and walks out.
The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?”
Earl I got so caught up in watching her win that I forgot to see what she rolled also. lol. Good one! ;D
The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How To Know The Score
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single
rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed .............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow...................................................+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat.................................................-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
You stay by her side for a while, then
leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2
Named Tiffany....................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
With breast implants.........! ....................-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday................................0
You buy a card and flowers...............................0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.......................................0
The pal is happily married..........................+1
The pal is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie...............+2
You take her to a movie she likes..! ...+4
You take her to a movie you hate......+6
You take her to a movie you like......-2
It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt”.........-100
Any other response..............................-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned _expression....................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well,
what do you think I should do"...........................-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200
;DThat just proves the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen!
My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year...
...How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision.
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full...
...with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
My resolution was to read more ...
... so I put the subtitles on my TV.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ...
... but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
What's the best New Year's resolution?...
...1080p.
I can't wait till New Year's Day 2021...
...Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.
Farmers Funeral Service
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
No RespectAs I read that I started hearing it in Rodney Dangerfield's voice.
"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."
"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"
This is an air rifle related joke...That is funny.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU= (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=)
:o
This is an air rifle related joke...
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU= (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=)
:o
Qualifying for Benefits
Having reached the age of 65, John went to apply for Social Security last
week. After waiting in line for a very long time, he finally got to the
counter.
The woman there asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He
looked
in his pockets and realized, to his great dismay, that he had left his
wallet on the nightstand in his bedroom. He told the lady that he was very
sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I'll have to go get
it and come back later," he said. At that point, she said to him,
"Unbutton your shirt."
John was confused, but he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver
hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and, with that, she promptly processed my application. When John got home,
he couldn't wait to tell his wife about the experience at the Social
Security
Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have
dropped your pants . . . you might have gotten disability, too."
Freudian slip??? LOL!
I always thought a waffle was a pancake that flip flopped.Very clever!
Things go better with Coke
Speaking of Attorneys...
An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer....
“I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.”
The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”
Speaking of Attorneys...
An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer....
“I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.”
The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”
What is black and tan and always looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
i got #3 correct as i was there this time last year.
Anything that doesn't require a second or third Doctors visit to have stitches removed is good in my book.
Cat, Sheep, or Horses... I am good with that!
Steven Wright’s Insights
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had
been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates". His mind sees things
differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement.
"Nope, the steaks are too high!!!"
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway!
Cigarette. Because you have to take him for a drag. :o
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
A the start all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
In the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
I got an E-mail advertising how to read maps backwards(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Ft03.deviantart.net%2FTEn9DEcbOG_8ZszsODbUtza4hyc%3D%2Ffit-in%2F150x150%2Ffilters%3Ano_upscale()%3Aorigin()%2Fpre10%2F926e%2Fth%2Fpre%2Ff%2F2013%2F305%2Fb%2F0%2Fadam_gontier__i_see_what_you_did_there_by_skintobone-d6sleaz.jpg&f=1&nofb=1)
I'm pretty sure its spam.
----------
Some one stole the wheels off of a police car.
The police are working tirelessly to find the culprit.
i'd be surprised if most 30 year olds knew who Stevie Wonder is much less a 6 y.o.Who doesn't know who little Stevie wonder is ?
What did the Buffalo say to his son as he dropped him off at school?
Bison.
i'd be surprised if most 30 year olds knew who Stevie Wonder is much less a 6 y.o.Who doesn't know who little Stevie wonder is ?
What is the main difference between men and boys?
Men's toys cost more.
What is the main difference between men and boys?
Men's toys cost more.
I think that's an observation, not a joke
911! What’s Your Emergency?
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12670304_10156541776440192_6898557406210639770_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQlbTdOikIIFuM1izWjlLPMXA85AbTAH_5tPAFUkP0IF0XymqDKcec4PFpj24IBO1Wg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=d1567ecf13214fbc2482f9cbf1cbc44d&oe=5EDA8E5F)
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12670304_10156541776440192_6898557406210639770_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQlbTdOikIIFuM1izWjlLPMXA85AbTAH_5tPAFUkP0IF0XymqDKcec4PFpj24IBO1Wg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=d1567ecf13214fbc2482f9cbf1cbc44d&oe=5EDA8E5F)
Do they actually get into the storm drains/sewers? Or is that an NYC urban legend?
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12670304_10156541776440192_6898557406210639770_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQlbTdOikIIFuM1izWjlLPMXA85AbTAH_5tPAFUkP0IF0XymqDKcec4PFpj24IBO1Wg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=d1567ecf13214fbc2482f9cbf1cbc44d&oe=5EDA8E5F)
Do they actually get into the storm drains/sewers? Or is that an NYC urban legend?
Yes, they do get in the storm drains, that is how most of them travel from one lake or retention pond. They do on occasion plug up the system. This is a good example of one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUrxdSORO2Q (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUrxdSORO2Q)
They felt that the Church would never accept a;D :o ::)
one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader!
Wait, Dan: That's me!
Only Missed One
Bubba (from Alabama) applied for an engineering position at a Lake
Charles refinery.
A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest,
but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy
I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision based not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put
down; "I don't know."
You put down, "Neither do I."
Border Test
Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.legally
through Immigration.
The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests so far,
but you must pass this last test.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
Pedro said, " I am ready."
The officer said "Make a sentence using
Yellow, Pink and Green."
Pedro thought for a few minutes and said
"Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said "Go ahead."
Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I
pink it up, and say,'Yellow, this is Pedro.'"
Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a
neighborhood near you.
The Definition of Love
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, "What does love mean?" Some of the answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her
all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy -age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is
OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My
Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with
a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he
wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared
anymore."
Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the
contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked
what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I
just helped him cry."
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated..?
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated..?Two Mennonite!
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/87321251_2686629811385649_7463223275640848384_o.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ohc=7_Nzfv-MSsQAX-H1ojR&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=fdbf7148160fbebb80cb321ed331a05d&oe=5EBB3B47)
1
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/87240080_2308821206076980_5250170135754309632_n.png?_nc_cat=110&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_oc=AQmpIrDnAIOxZSY3gbP0W7bpOeZ0Vn-r0_9j8Z5nlvAfqdNeMuA7ovAoVizXK-bR6XPv8Gz88ZbAd5SF59Cn0JlW&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=52112a3f4efd30de471494d87b7b0952&oe=5F00A563)
HARLEY DAVIDSON -- Isn't that what some call 'Butt Jewelry"!
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
A farmer from Skipton sadly lost his wife. He contacted the Yorkshire Post to arrange an obituary. The couple had been happily married for 50 years before she passed away.
The farmer went to the newspaper office to make the arrangements. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, Ow Much?
Ah want summat simple he explained, My Gladys were a gud arted an ard-workin Yorkshire lass but she wunt av wanted owt swanky.
Perhaps a small poem, suggested the woman at the desk.
Nay, he said, she wunt av wanted owt la-di-da. Just put, Gladys Braithwaite died.
You need to say when, he was told by the receptionist.
Do I? Well, put died 17th March. That'll do.
It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.
The man considered for a moment. Well, put in, Sadly missed. That'll do, he said.
You can have another four words, the woman explained.
No, no, he cried, she wouldn' av wanted me to splash out.
The words are included in the standard price, the woman informed him.
Ah they? Tha means av paid for 'em?.
Yes, indeed sir.
Well, if av paid for 'em , am 'avin em
The obituary was duly printed as follows:
Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.
I think I posted this before... but oh well.Zinger!!!
(https://i.imgur.com/4mKzs.jpg)
I still git a giggle out of this song+1 (grin)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3jUNJWeZYc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3jUNJWeZYc)
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper. She says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth closed that does the trick.”
Hits home....
This may have been posted here already, but still...
The State of Mi. Department of Natural resources sends a letter to me asking for permission to access a creek on my property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.
Dear Landowner:
DNR Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs& other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.
Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.
If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.
Sincerely
Steve xxxxxxx
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist
RESPONSE FROM ME
Dear Steve xxxxxxx
Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the "Frog Survey License" ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a "Frog Habitat" parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).
You will also need an "Invasive Species" stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add'l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your "Creek Habitat" stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident). I do have bait for deer out there also. You will have to obtain your $15.00 baiting licenses for all people coming on property.
Survey units open between 8 am. and 3 pm. but you cannot commence survey until 9 am. and must cease all survey activity by 1 pm.
Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18" handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.
After 1 pm. you can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the "Frog Net Endorsement" ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).
Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our "Premium Survey" units and application is again only $8.00 per application.
You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of "Frog Surveys and You" comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks.
This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.
Sincerely,
Land Owner
Well I’ll Be
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
"the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A. Obsession
75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbows.
Well I’ll Be
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
"the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A. Obsession
75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbows.
Now that is funny and informative.
"The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%"
Because North America includes Canada and Alaska.
Ahhh. Sleeping... When it's my time to go; that's how I want to do it. Just like my ole Grandad... Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car...
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Gary
A double corona. Cigar smokers know what that is.
"Yeah, I found a Corona!" "A Corona?" "Yeah! It was a Corona-Corona, but I only found halfa it! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!" [Crunch!]
(Curly & Moe)
That is how "Balls to the wall" came into meaning
what do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
https://youtu.be/b-Gly0No_P0 (https://youtu.be/b-Gly0No_P0)
Carl.... I am SO going to do that to my Grand-kids right after "interrupting cow"! ;D
Ken, I find that is not funny but sad... "those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it"
Although "500 porcupines" did make me chuckle.
Stoopid kids.
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89773731_1345254752350795_4103619532231278592_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmE2OqlreDVwXoUMNGRIrFYRJq_kBP0DqdDF9NBBcbr5Zlgxh0pP0sNPjwVBX3CnN3rLvP1wqPb-ziPifRnhupN&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=8ef36740bf5caf87338a7678d5db3119&oe=5E9B2FE2)
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89773731_1345254752350795_4103619532231278592_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmE2OqlreDVwXoUMNGRIrFYRJq_kBP0DqdDF9NBBcbr5Zlgxh0pP0sNPjwVBX3CnN3rLvP1wqPb-ziPifRnhupN&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=8ef36740bf5caf87338a7678d5db3119&oe=5E9B2FE2)
NOOOOO! Tater, i can't find tortillas anywhere. i'll trade a roll of t.p. for a package of tortillas!
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90633016_1347971685412435_4590076328564228096_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQnN4Cd_TcmC-8Km-jkui91pzPZQj6bpnaMkR6CAHA8VIzM5UQFEaD8a4Uqt7VOPqj9UmqIvW6R6leggPg7TZxXq&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=7fca235a00a73b1d91d8676f0e9e544d&oe=5E9D41AF)
The one, above, about reaming out a guy for a cart full of hand sanitizer? My brother-in-law said his nephew's new bride in New Jersey actually did exactly that, for real.
Have a great day.
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/91727531_4254431404582527_6316613680742006784_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQlopOkH9Ii0OqnI01QcnJrfKBrTkqg8jAhe1e7Oby97xBjDJ6JrwVcWsE4zlkBid9G0HIv_sKmuOKY1zxAMMpt_&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=c596a995a1530157d9382c4c96bf6907&oe=5EA8C7BF)
Love it Kris.... hoping that this is closer to the truth... or maybe not! :( :o
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTb0-CYxVoUVJATRHxrk_qScQYxf46XIHhkyUvIeKweKefuM-xd&usqp=CAU)
(https://townsquare.media/site/698/files/2015/02/8-Track-Tape.jpg?w=630&q=75)
HA! That reminds me of when my "then young" daughter stuck her PBJ sandwich into our Betamax. :o
Wendell... I still have vinyl... lots of them , and a turntable... I hear they are making a comeback.
I am so old, I used '78's as targets. ::)
If they're scratchy,you could always hang them as targets! :o :o
(don't play them backwards..it's devil music!)
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90965795_10158216974099169_5224963934766759936_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQnPi8vTaAaNBFHwIlexQZH_EEsWzSJg0zf6eR49CLM0-sdv_j2OkBCgPbAVc0j9i8DaKxX_SfnnxXCQw4TMyjOg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=7b6dcf6de39b103b707bd64e2076d7cb&oe=5EA95325)
I remember driving down a back road in the 70's and following a tape out of an 8 track for what seemed like miles,strung along the side of the road ::)
I remember driving down a back road in the 70's and following a tape out of an 8 track for what seemed like miles,strung along the side of the road ::)
You were driving in a circle!
Now if you understood that you may just be an old fart! ;D :P
When I was 7 years old (1961) our family visited relatives in Scranton PA. Unbeknownst to our parents a neighborhood boy my age took me on a forbidden tour of abandoned coal mines in the area (dangerous days back then, little did I know). Anywho we wandered upon an open pit used at the time as a garbage dump. We came across a vast pile of old 78's, probably from a local record station. Literally hundreds, if not a thousand or more intact 78's were piled on top of each other. Also in the dump rummaged countless numbers of the biggest rats I'd ever seen. That was the day I'm pretty sure the reactive frisbee was invented. Shattered 78's and hysterical rats everywhere. I was in bliss.I am so old, I used '78's as targets. ::)
If they're scratchy,you could always hang them as targets! :o :o
(don't play them backwards..it's devil music!)
Yep, they shattered very well but would now probably worth a fortune.
Hard Earned $300. This biker bellied up to the bar moaning and groaning about how bad he needed $300. The bartender says,
"Hey, I've got a few chores I need done and if you take care of them, I'll give you $300."
The biker says, "You will?"
Bartender says, "Sure but one of them is urgent so make up your mind."
The biker says, "well, yeah sure, what do you need done?"
"First of all there's a loudmouth drunk in the next room that I need bounced out, Then my pet alligator needs to have one of her teeth pulled and last, my mother-in-law is upstairs and hasn't had a man in 3 years and needs some TLC."
"okay, no prob." The biker bounces the drunk out without breaking a sweat and says, point me to the alligator."
The bartendere says, "Out back." and was getting nervous when the biker hadn't shown back up for over an hour but finally he walked back in all scratched up and clothes all torn. He said, "Dude, that was one tough chore but I finally got it done, now where's that woman with the bad tooth?"
I’ve never heard this joke told so clean before lol
* The salesperson at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/91903959_10221438440331250_8025126111740428288_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQnZmxf55b-1EB1PxBzLR3Lm00-AhEUCQbYmnjJO36ymsMSV3HvYnoLyOsDIZWw_jYNcRsvd4RQ-FWCp7F6lK0oR&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=2ed0e736b88aa97e9b485dff9dc94785&oe=5EAD9317)
6 feet is a small alligator in Florida, I remember my days on the St johns river and Lake George in a 16 foot canoe seeing gators that were longer than my canoe. ??? :o
BD
6 feet is a small alligator in Florida, I remember my days on the St johns river and Lake George in a 16 foot canoe seeing gators that were longer than my canoe. ??? :o
BD
I fished and hunted Lake George most of my life and have seen the big ones on that lake. One of the gator hunts years ago harvested one that was 13ft and 900lbs. Helicopter pilot flying over Lake George caught this one swimming with a deer in it's mouth.
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9d/e6/3d/9de63d362a049055b2646ebc41417c6d.jpg)
6 feet is a small alligator in Florida, I remember my days on the St johns river and Lake George in a 16 foot canoe seeing gators that were longer than my canoe. ??? :o
BD
I fished and hunted Lake George most of my life and have seen the big ones on that lake. One of the gator hunts years ago harvested one that was 13ft and 900lbs. Helicopter pilot flying over Lake George caught this one swimming with a deer in it's mouth.
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9d/e6/3d/9de63d362a049055b2646ebc41417c6d.jpg)
Lived in Florida for a few years as a kid. In Kissimmiee. Being a 5th generation native of CO, we learned real fast why you don't put fish on a stringer, along with that every body of water has gators and snakes, and more than likely gar.
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Delivery options. (https://thumbs.gfycat.com/GeneralDarkAustrianpinscher-size_restricted.gif)
-Whirligig
Delivery options. (https://thumbs.gfycat.com/GeneralDarkAustrianpinscher-size_restricted.gif)
-Whirligig
Deer don’t bite.
Ohhhhh sooooooo very wrong...…Bobcat recipe.... (https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/1904756/1)
Cody's Llama (https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/5623795/1)
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in
a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured
that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear
of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the
bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not
be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it
down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with
my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well
back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I
picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw.. My rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so
I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little
tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may
just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action
when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer
is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could
fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was
no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet
and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer
on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina
as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as
quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me
a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out
of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around
its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was
no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing,
and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where
I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large
rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility
for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow
death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder -
a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could
get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million
years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised
when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a
horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes
its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably
to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method
was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes,
but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning
that claim by now), tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right
arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when
I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear
right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal
-- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily,
the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards
the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and
run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will
hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after
all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second
I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does
not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger
has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you
while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went
away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring
a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew
the furniture!"
An Outlaw walked into the saloon with a roll of paper towels on his head. When asked why the paper towels on his head? He replied: "I have a Bounty on my head."
An Outlaw walked into the saloon with a roll of paper towels on his head. When asked why the paper towels on his head? He replied: "I have a Bounty on my head."
WOW! now that's a dad joke!
An Outlaw walked into the saloon with a roll of paper towels on his head. When asked why the paper towels on his head? He replied: "I have a Bounty on my head."
WOW! now that's a dad joke!
A mushroom walks into a bar.
The Bartender says, "we don't serve mushrooms here.".
The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-gi!!"
;D ;D ;D ;D
(I'm not a dad but you can't tell it from my jokes....)
Over the last couple of years,I keep hearing that they are doing away with teaching cursive (handwriting) in schools.
It occurs to me that eventually we will be seeing a generation of beer drinkers that can't write their names in the snow. :o ::)
Over the last couple of years,I keep hearing that they are doing away with teaching cursive (handwriting) in schools.
It occurs to me that eventually we will be seeing a generation of beer drinkers that can't write their names in the snow. :o ::)
Over the last couple of years,I keep hearing that they are doing away with teaching cursive (handwriting) in schools.
It occurs to me that eventually we will be seeing a generation of beer drinkers that can't write their names in the snow. :o ::)
Different states, different rules. My kiddo got cursive writing taught to him when he was still in public school
Kris, maybe that is something that staying inside might accomplish and all the spraying never will.
This virus is turning me into my dog.
I take naps all day, get yelled at for getting too close to anyone, roam the house looking for food, and get excited over the thought of a car ride.
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/94102866_2355645741394526_2422963249797398528_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn2AgL4r71DzdLoaJqXA9UckV6XOqzSHY2cr0wqtzYRrY_hs3Fv0Df7AjkhkU1m-BK-mViBA8Qno68i7He5fSCg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=49baa5ad837417ef1702e9dfea1979bd&oe=5ECF91CF)
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/95135100_2357040647921702_4823868470980509696_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQlDDEdeN_IqRaFvAQ94Rq-JOqsyVZdyBugyQKjAk26488wg02Yx-2Zaktrq56z2w7eU4No3tsCDD8M1SpaNu-mc&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=3be7b606e17e39cb181efd300e540bbf&oe=5ED0AE34)
27. 8) ;D
-- 19 --
My brother's saying: Yard Sale = You get someone to pay you to haul your junk away! ;) ::) :D
A Cold BeerTotally agree.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"
I replied, "I WASN'T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."
The reason I said “nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nads, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nads."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
A Cold Beer
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"
I replied, "I WASN'T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."
The reason I said “nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nads, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nads."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.You may be the 3rd to post that one, but it's such a classic and I laugh every time.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.”
“I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
Dead Cow
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
GRANDMA IN COURT
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer!
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me..
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
_"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs)
Hmmm, Well I’ll Be
All 50 states are listed
across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
there are a few that are false. donald duck is one of them.
Actually: Other fish seem to sleep, however, especially when purely behavioral criteria are used to define sleep. For example,zebrafish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zebrafish),6] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-6)tilapia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tilapia),[7] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-7)tench (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tench),[8] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-8)brown bullhead (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_bullhead),[9] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-9)and swell shark (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swell_shark) become motionless and unresponsive at night (or by day, in the case of the swell shark); Spanish hogfish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_hogfish) and blue-headed wrasse (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thalassoma_bifasciatum) can even be lifted by hand all the way to the surface without evoking a response. On the other hand, sleep patterns are easily disrupted and may even disappear during periods of migration, spawning, and parental care.[11] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-11)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish)
Actually: Other fish seem to sleep, however, especially when purely behavioral criteria are used to define sleep. For example,zebrafish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zebrafish),6] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-6)tilapia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tilapia),[7] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-7)tench (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tench),[8] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-8)brown bullhead (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_bullhead),[9] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-9)and swell shark (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swell_shark) become motionless and unresponsive at night (or by day, in the case of the swell shark); Spanish hogfish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_hogfish) and blue-headed wrasse (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thalassoma_bifasciatum) can even be lifted by hand all the way to the surface without evoking a response. On the other hand, sleep patterns are easily disrupted and may even disappear during periods of migration, spawning, and parental care.[11] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-11)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish)
My point was that most sharks that we normally associate with do not breath in water/oxygen like fish do by sucking the water in thru their gills but rather by constantly moving with their mouths open to allow water to flow thru the gills. They can stay motionless in areas with strong current flows that allows the water to flow thru from the force of the current. Their are aberations/mutations in every species even man, but the vast majority of shark must either stay moving or be in strong current areas to breath as compared to other fish..
BD
Actually: Other fish seem to sleep, however, especially when purely behavioral criteria are used to define sleep. For example,zebrafish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zebrafish),6] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-6)tilapia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tilapia),[7] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-7)tench (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tench),[8] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-8)brown bullhead (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_bullhead),[9] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-9)and swell shark (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swell_shark) become motionless and unresponsive at night (or by day, in the case of the swell shark); Spanish hogfish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_hogfish) and blue-headed wrasse (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thalassoma_bifasciatum) can even be lifted by hand all the way to the surface without evoking a response. On the other hand, sleep patterns are easily disrupted and may even disappear during periods of migration, spawning, and parental care.[11] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-11)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish)
My point was that most sharks that we normally associate with do not breath in water/oxygen like fish do by sucking the water in thru their gills but rather by constantly moving with their mouths open to allow water to flow thru the gills. They can stay motionless in areas with strong current flows that allows the water to flow thru from the force of the current. Their are aberations/mutations in every species even man, but the vast majority of shark must either stay moving or be in strong current areas to breath as compared to other fish..
BD
You guys have me rolling! These jokes are hilarious! ;D
Everything he said about Donald Duck, Orcas, etc, IS TRUE! I know, I read it on the Internet. BTW, I'm a drop dead certified HOT STUD. Must be true. It's now on the Internet.
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started
a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and
Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on
my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt.
I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gary
Maybe a repeat...And there are signs of spiraling...maybe a faster twist barrel?
Pricing Talent
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/97098727_2370420666583700_5567070939025244160_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQnk5HHnPqchGaxCiXe570cV9lkTnbjRNZvOtb-I3-Nj8e-nv018NXIR7N62pRegFeg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=033378238295038d577bc5f61434ebff&oe=5EE9A4CF)
So this isn't really a joke, but it made me laugh. I always wondered about the word Meisterkugeln. Been seeing it since I was about 13.
Well today I google translated it and it means. "Master Balls"
This whole time I have been shooting master balls.
Coincidentally...
There, that is as clean as I can make it.
"Nope, only ice cream"
I think I already did that one. ;)
By the way, you forum name is very clever.
Heh Heh, I think it involves feces ;)What if his better half is his butt?QuoteBy the way, you forum name is very clever.
;)
Slap your "better half" on the butt and yell it out!
I think it needs explained to the young folks...
Each sign was
One at a time
to disregard them
Would be a crime
Hoosier Daddy
Jeezus Kris.... the world is going to "Heck" in a hand bag.
How many teenagers does it take to replace a lightbulb?
It takes 3
One to look up the YouTube tutorial, one to actually replace the lightbulb, and one to film it for their social media followers.
why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're really good at it.
why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're really good at it.
And why are pygmies so short?
why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're really good at it.
And why are pygmies so short?
They didn't see the elephants jumping out of the trees? maybe
...
...
To play corn-hole! ;)
WORK Remedy
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and By hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means
DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life Completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
WORK Remedy
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and By hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means
DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life Completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Don't overlook the cure for WORK is to (retire) where Rest-Elective-Time-Is-Really-Excellent ;D
Good one, Dan. The gears of the ole brain are working well.
Yes I just thought up that acronym.
An Honest WalMart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.
When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "*(&^ no, they ain't twins!
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the *(&^ would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVhURQ3xCGs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVhURQ3xCGs)
Back when we were "Thick Skinned" and comedy was funny....
I used to have a Boss who had a slang for everyone and I mean EVERYONE!
No kidding, I was a "Square Head Kraut" (German) and he was a "Drunken Mick" (Irishman)
There were several terms he used everyday to describe someone. Fish Head, Dune Coon, Gook, Palmy.
You know why he got away with it? EVERYBODY was equal!!!!
When the Corporate EHS (afro-american) Manager came to the plant and Gary called him "some one who throws spears" and then they hugged each-other I was dumb founded. Come to find out they had worked together for 35 years. ;D
Gary served in 'Nam and adopted a baby that was on one of the LAST flights out of Saigon. He said of those 7 babies, his "Little Commie" was the only one to live an he was proud of it.
I had the pleasure to meet with his family and spend many evenings together. God rest his soul....
We used to not take offence at the terms thrown out, but laugh and love each other!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY)
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
A guy was selling signs at our annual car show back in October, and that had that one.QuoteBumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
I WANT THIS!!!!
Back when we were "Thick Skinned" and comedy was funny....
I used to have a Boss who had a slang for everyone and I mean EVERYONE!
No kidding, I was a "Square Head Kraut" (German) and he was a "Drunken Mick" (Irishman)
There were several terms he used everyday to describe someone. Fish Head, Dune Coon, Gook, Palmy.
You know why he got away with it? EVERYBODY was equal!!!!
When the Corporate EHS (afro-american) Manager came to the plant and Gary called him "some one who throws spears" and then they hugged each-other I was dumb founded. Come to find out they had worked together for 35 years. ;D
Gary served in 'Nam and adopted a baby that was on one of the LAST flights out of Saigon. He said of those 7 babies, his "Little Commie" was the only one to live an he was proud of it.
I had the pleasure to meet with his family and spend many evenings together. God rest his soul....
We used to not take offence at the terms thrown out, but laugh and love each other!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY)
That's funny but, it will never happen.... I don't golf.
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN:
“Hello!”
WOMAN:
“Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN:
“Yes.”
WOMAN:
“I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It is only $2,000; is it OK to buy it?”
MAN:
“Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN:
“I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN:
“How much?”
WOMAN:
“$90,000.”
MAN:
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN:
“Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000. for it.”
MAN:
“Well then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s really what you want.”
WOMAN:
OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN:
“Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
I’m a GolferFORE !!!
It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker,
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating,
When once more, the Man yelled,
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, please!"
I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back . . .
"Would the arzhole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot!"
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/105046144_2402887670003666_3651124531555135517_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn_if48MKj_iQU_ReCAWk13KYjxZh8FWxl2S6J2XgGhIsTpq5ct1gjUjAAhU1Jnlnw&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=30d7c80134f8d910eb5f57d06656459f&oe=5F20EEC5)Well lookie there.... the light don't go off when you close the door.
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/105046144_2402887670003666_3651124531555135517_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn_if48MKj_iQU_ReCAWk13KYjxZh8FWxl2S6J2XgGhIsTpq5ct1gjUjAAhU1Jnlnw&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=30d7c80134f8d910eb5f57d06656459f&oe=5F20EEC5)Well lookie there.... the light don't go off when you close the door.
Saw a reference to one line to this in another thread.Ever seen " and now for something completely different " ?
So...now for something completely different....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl8H-rm6kt4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl8H-rm6kt4)
"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
a termite walks into a bar and asks............is the bar-tender here?
Telephone Poll
The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida,
California, and Texas
Governors' offices, asked whether people who live in
their state think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa
I hate the term "New Normal"
BUT...
What if it IS?! ::)
1. JFK
2. Lincoln
3: unknown person in the movie theater sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.
Regards,
Roachcreek
Lost my internet connection last night and couldn’t use Facebook.
I had to spend 4 hours calling 247 of my friends to tell them
‘I hate work and I’m having aglass of wine"pint of Jim" before going to bed, lol’.
Wondered where you been Jeff!Lost my internet connection last night and couldn’t use Facebook.
I had to spend 4 hours calling 247 of my friends to tell them
‘I hate work and I’m having aglass of wine"pint of Jim" before going to bed, lol’.
Fixed it for you.
I HATE work... can not shut my mind off.
Wake up every hour and a half all night long, then the mind starts twirling on what needs to happen tomorrow.
By the time the alarm goes off a 05:30 I have already worked half a day!
Wait... That's no joke. ::)
Kris, I hope both storms miss you.
But I think both will hit my family down in Louisiana. We were in Louisiana until Wednesday past. I was more than ready to get back to Tennessee.
Hope this hasn't already been told....
A guy walks into a New Orleans bar and says
"Bartender, I'll have a Corona and 2 hurricanes."
Bartender says "That'll be $20.20"
DittoHope this hasn't already been told....
A guy walks into a New Orleans bar and says
"Bartender, I'll have a Corona and 2 hurricanes."
Bartender says "That'll be $20.20"
Shared!!!
That is true.
When your local news channel puts two meteorologists on at the same time, with their sleeves rolled up, neck ties off, it means they're expecting a big storm. They're almost worked up into a lather.
The last storm, tropical storm Isiais, the weather people acted almost disappointed that it was such a wimpy storm. In the 34 years I've lived in Florida, it was by far the weakest storm I've seen. Hardly any wind & barely any rain. The folks in states north of us got far more rain, wind & damage than we did in Florida.
It sure looks like it is aiming for the central Louisiana area. :( :(
My family is hunkering down. Gumbo is on the back burner and the ice chests are full of bag ice.
Marco is fizzling out. Now, Laura. Hang tough Kris.
Now that I have lived through an actual plague I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.
**********************************************************************************************************************
Really wild how we used to eat cake after someone had blown on it.
Gary
Rocky and Bullwinkle-two of my favorites!!!
I ran into Humpty Dumpty the other day, it was really sad.
He is just a shell of his former self.
Gary
what do you get when you cross the atlantic ocean with the titanic?
half way! :o
(https://www.al.com/resizer/CUWCSpHTlDZKrpkcucwrnNE8f54=/450x0/smart/advancelocal-adapter-image-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/expo.advance.net/img/3d123e7087/width2048/643_gameofthrones.jpeg)
Loudest Gamo ever!
Detonating like an M-80.
At least it provided dinner!
Video (https://youtu.be/Rvk51mQqCVs)
-W
Mike... I giggled out loud on that one... :D
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/87/3a/1a/873a1a3fef563f5bca032d4c88b1ca88.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/87/3a/1a/873a1a3fef563f5bca032d4c88b1ca88.jpg)
It would be funnier if it wasn’t so true. Welcome to the new reality of generators running and lines forming. New and improved with social distancing. ( I was there for Ivan when we could still sweat on each other)
Outhouse Repair
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and
yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it!"
"WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC!"
You DO know what a leading question is, don't you?
Better mince your words ... makes them easier to eat.
***********************************************************
Busy in the yard one afternoon, my father paused to admire our neighbor's
new boat.
"Sure is a beauty, Charles," Dad said. Knowing that Charles' wife was
conservative when it came to spending money, my father asked, "Was it
expensive?"
"The boat itself wasn't so bad," Charles replied. "But the extras really
hurt."
"You mean things like water skis, life jackets and trailer?" my father
asked.
"No," our neighbor said with a sigh. "I mean the new carpet, the kitchen
cabinets and the living-room furniture."
---------------------------------------------------------------
I have used so much sanitizer and anti-bacterial soap on my body that when I pee it cleans the toilet. ::) ;D
Bob
Are Computers Male or Female?
A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
Hip 1957 Mother😂😂😂😂😂🧐
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw;
why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
""dang" it, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
I know that priest! he was in Princess Bride!That's inconceivable.
I know that priest! he was in Princess Bride!That's inconceivable.
THAT'S = 'That is'
INCONCEIVABLE = Unbelievable
Nope, didn't go to many movies in the 80s and 90s.
OK... So now I need to watch "Princess Bride"
seems to have a Monte Python tone about it. :D
And the priest I was referring to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bY0fdgpISc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bY0fdgpISc)
Some people like white sugar and other people prefer brown sugar.
I like them both. I guess I am ambidextrose.
Wife fell asleep with her iPhone under her pillow last night and when We woke up it was gone and replaced with a shiny new fifty cent piece.
"dang" that Blue-Tooth Fairy.
If 2020 Was a Math Problem:
If you're walking on the Ice Cream at 5 ounces per Toaster and your Bicycle loses a Sock,
How much Gravy will you need to Repaint your Hamster?
Huh... guess I got it wrong then, I came up with "Orange". :-[
Guys, please try to remember it's an airgun forum..... I came up with 9.27fpe.... :o
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and peed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the heck is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'
Guys, please try to remember it's an airgun forum..... I came up with 9.27fpe.... :o
Nice Bill... but after much research... I believe the answer is "False".
The man who invented the motorized push lawn mower died yesterday, he went sky diving and when he jumped he pulled his parachute cord 100 times and it still wouldn't open...Musta forgot to 0ush the priming bulb ;D
A priest, rabbit and preacher walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them what they would like to drink.
The rabbit says "I don't know. I am only here because of spell check".
QuoteA priest, rabbit and preacher walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them what they would like to drink.
The rabbit says "I don't know. I am only here because of spell check".
HA-HA-HAAA!!!!
Free vision test.Thanks for that Whirly! I knew I had something going on but I wasn't sure what. Now I can start working on a remedy...
Free vision test.Thanks for that Whirly! I knew I had something going on but I wasn't sure what. Now I can start working on a remedy...
Thank you for the coffee that *almost* ended up all over my laptop screen..... ;)
----------
Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.
----------
(https://pics.me.me/just-a-normal-day-at-the-office-drgrayfang-please-dont-30941113.png)
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?I always heard a different version.
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
today a woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant, but i never met herbivore.
this morning i gave all my dead batteries away. free of charge!
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it," the man answered.
"The frog was nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
today a woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant, but i never met herbivore.
this morning i gave all my dead batteries away. free of charge!
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/3FBwwRCNTSa52/giphy.gif)
today a woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant, but i never met herbivore.
this morning i gave all my dead batteries away. free of charge!
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/3FBwwRCNTSa52/giphy.gif)
sorry :-\ my daughter gave me a calendar with a bad dad joke of the day and i thought i'd share. now you know what my wife puts up with every morning.
My mind went blank in previous post.
I shot my first turkey today.
It was awesome.
Scared the &^^& out of everyone in the frozen food section.
Oh my... where do I start?
Kris... you poor girl. 40's oh my gosh... how horrid!
It has been in the 20's here already. 40 is a warm day now until March.
bavaria55nQuoteI shot my first turkey today.
It was awesome.
Scared the &^^& out of everyone in the frozen food section.
That reminded me of this....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI)
Oh my... where do I start?
Kris... you poor girl. 40's oh my gosh... how horrid!
It has been in the 20's here already. 40 is a warm day now until March.
bavaria55nQuoteI shot my first turkey today.
It was awesome.
Scared the &^^& out of everyone in the frozen food section.
That reminded me of this....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI)
I still have the opinion I had the first time I saw this video. He would be pulling my driver from the back of his head!!!
(https://i.imgur.com/XpqYx7xm.jpg)
I took the batteries out of my CO alarm.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*************************************************************
Oh,, and I too object to all this sex on the television...
I keep falling off as well!!!
I took the batteries out of my CO alarm.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*************************************************************
Fixxed. ;)
Had to drive the Wife's guinea pig to the Vet. The new golf clubs are great!
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say,
"Did you bring the money?"
QuoteIf you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say,
"Did you bring the money?"
I AM SOOOO DOING THIS!!!
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out!
Nice Kris!
That one is even top of the line... both AM and FM!
Worst one I've seen was a slice of balogna in a dvd drive.Nice Kris!
That one is even top of the line... both AM and FM!
One of my mechanic buddies had to fish a cell phone out of a cassette player/car radio because the kid thought it was a docking port. ::)
About 30 years ago... one of my Daughters put a "Pop-Tart" in the VCR...
No one has fessed up to this day. ::)
About 30 years ago... one of my Daughters put a "Pop-Tart" in the VCR...
No one has fessed up to this day. ::)
None of my three kids did anything like that.
My younger brother (A.D.D.) cut the fringe off an Indian blanket that my mom's grandma had given to my mom, because he "was in pain". He was in more pain afterward, so that didn't help, LOL. Well used paddles were the cure for A.D.D.! Better than medication, the case study in our house with my older and younger brother came to that conclusion at least.
About 30 years ago... one of my Daughters put a "Pop-Tart" in the VCR...
No one has fessed up to this day. ::)
None of my three kids did anything like that.
My younger brother (A.D.D.) cut the fringe off an Indian blanket that my mom's grandma had given to my mom, because he "was in pain". He was in more pain afterward, so that didn't help, LOL. Well used paddles were the cure for A.D.D.! Better than medication, the case study in our house with my older and younger brother came to that conclusion at least.
Spanking didn’t work for us :D we would laugh, don’t ask why, it hurt but we laughed anyways. What ended up getting us was timeouts. Sitting with your nose in the corner for 30min was something I haven’t forgotten to this day.
What ended up getting us was timeouts. Sitting with your nose in the corner for 30min was something I haven’t forgotten to this day.
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”That would be my wife and I!😂😂
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?(https://i.giphy.com/media/3FBwwRCNTSa52/giphy.webp)
Anyone can mash potatoes.
A friend sent me these and the last batch-they are from the Indian Hills Signs.
They have some really good ones.
Always a chuckle Gary!
But this last one I just don't get...QuoteA friend sent me these and the last batch-they are from the Indian Hills Signs.
They have some really good ones.
;) ;D ;)
These are supposed to be from Burma Shave signs:I drive old route 66 on my way to the transfer station aka dump. There's a few burma shave signs along the way. The only one I can remember right now (durn sometimers) If hugging on highways is your sport, trade in your car for a davenport.
"Don't lose your head; to gain a minute. You need your head; your brains are in it."
"A little powder, a lotta lead. Shoot em' once and they be dead."
"Car in ditch; driver in tree. The moon was full; and so was he."
There were more, used to be run in the local paper on and off but can't remember them...
Jesse
Leo,
Another one is to go to customer service and ask them to page your lost brother... his name is "Mike Hunt"
If you get an email about canned meat don't open it.
It's spam.
Leo,Someone beat me to it and told the lady at the customer service to page her friend Seymour Bush that her friend will see you by the customer service desk.
Another one is to go to customer service and ask them to page your lost brother... his name is "Mike Hunt"
If you get an email about canned meat don't open it.Love that one.
It's spam.
Not to brag but I just went into another room and actually remembered why,
Of course it was the bathroom.
When I finish eating I have to show my hands to the dog,
just like a black jack dealer.
I might wake up early tomorrow and go running.
I also might wake up early and win the lottery.
Odds are about the same.
Hugh Hefter became a multi millionaire staying home in his jimmies.
Not working so well for me.
You can't fix stupid.
turns out you can't quarantine it either.
One of the symptoms of COVID 19 is not taste?
Looking back on my exes turns out I have been infected for years.
Gary
If you get an email about canned meat don't open it.Love that one.
It's spam.
Not to brag but I just went into another room and actually remembered why,
Of course it was the bathroom.
When I finish eating I have to show my hands to the dog,
just like a black jack dealer.
I might wake up early tomorrow and go running.
I also might wake up early and win the lottery.
Odds are about the same.
Hugh Hefter became a multi millionaire staying home in his jimmies.
Not working so well for me.
You can't fix stupid.
turns out you can't quarantine it either.
One of the symptoms of COVID 19 is not taste?
Looking back on my exes turns out I have been infected for years.
Gary
why do some birds fly south for the winter?Awesome and will definitely drop that on someone today. The poor wife.
because they don't know how to drive!...
Well, that is pretty simple!
just in time for the holidays.....
what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
outlaws are wanted!
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One or two?
One or two?
Bubba and Billy Bob saw an ad in the Hearald-Citizen in Thibodeaux, Louisiana
and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night ."
Bubba and Billy Bob replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already"
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Bubba said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Billy Bob said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Bubba & Billy Bob
at the IGA grocery store and asked.
“What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Billy Bob said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $1998.00
The farmer said, “Didn't anyone complain?"
Bubba said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.
So we gave him his two dollars back."
Bubba & Billy Bob now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
In 20 years when my Grand kids ask about the toilet paper shortage of 2020?
I'm telling them We had to drag our butts across the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill both ways.
Dodging Murder Hornets!
Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!
*Groan*
The King of Potatoes and the Queen of Potatoes had a beautiful daughter the Princess of Potatoes.
The Princess came of wedding age and announced her love for Walter Cronkite.
The King said "Oh Daughter... you cannot marry him... he is but a Commentator"
*Groan*
^ First old fart to admit he knew who Walter Cronkite was.... ;) ^
Had Fake potatoes for lunch today.
Their called Imitators.
The King of Potatoes and the Queen of Potatoes had a beautiful daughter the Princess of Potatoes.
The Princess came of wedding age and announced her love for Walter Cronkite.
The King said "Oh Daughter... you cannot marry him... he is but a Commentator"
Had Fake potatoes for lunch today.
Their called Imitators.The King of Potatoes and the Queen of Potatoes had a beautiful daughter the Princess of Potatoes.
The Princess came of wedding age and announced her love for Walter Cronkite.
The King said "Oh Daughter... you cannot marry him... he is but a Commentator"
Alright, let's be reasonable here. :D
Are you insinuating We are agitators?
;D
An atheist was walking thru the woods.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look & saw a 7’ grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He ran faster, then… he tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him w/its left paw & raising the right paw to strike.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh, my God!”
Time Stopped… The bear froze… The forest was silent...
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky …
"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident! Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I now to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
After a seemingly long pause, God says, "Very well."
The light went out & the sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right arm, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty thru Christ our Lord. Amen."
when chemists die, they barium.HAHAHAHHA
I never thought I would be the kind of person to wake up early and exercise.
Turns out I was right.
Gary
(https://i.imgur.com/cASxFGGm.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/cASxFGGm.jpg)
Carl I got a good chuckle out of that. I like rump roast but not that kind. :P
This below isn't a joke but it's a short video of a great prank and man do I love his laugh!
https://i.imgur.com/X5svpol.mp4 (https://i.imgur.com/X5svpol.mp4)
FOR SALE: tic tacs
mint condition
I found the video amusing. So, a joke of sorts. It reminds me of the exhaust whistles I made 43 years ago. They were louder and more amusing than these. I attached them to random cars in the church parking lot. It was fun to watch when the cars left. Especially the reactions of on-lookers :)
I was finishing my lunch at a local restaurant when a waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?
I yelled out, heck, I know the WHOLE alphabet A-Z.
We all laughed and laughed, except for one guy...
Gary
Arik I like your avy. The only good hog is a dead one. Continued success!
Not so much a joke but I thought it was hysterical when I was college aged. (The law officers I said it to - not so much.) The line had to be rehearsed enough so that it could be delivered flawlessly sober or not so much....
"Hostonly ociffer, I'm not as intoxashalficated as some theople pink I am."
They sure know how to make realistic animal replicas in Japan don't they ?
This is not a joke BTW just crazy and related to the last few jokes.
https://youtu.be/vIvdsqo_87o
Theres definitely more than one way to skin a cat, but the ancient Chinese manual on the subject was lost long ago.They sure know how to make realistic animal replicas in Japan don't they ?
This is not a joke BTW just crazy and related to the last few jokes.
https://youtu.be/vIvdsqo_87o
Amazing work.
I thought this was going to be a 'There is more than one way to skin a cat' joke.
Gary
Finding part of an egg shell in an Egg McMuffin is both annoying and reassuring.
Gary
Why's the hot pepper so annoying?
Why's the hot pepper so annoying?
Ask Dr Johnny Cash: https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=37&v=mIBTg7q9oNc&feature=youtu.be (https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=37&v=mIBTg7q9oNc&feature=youtu.be)
....
I was robbing a Bank once so I told the Teller
"Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replied,
"Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
I told her
"Don't change the subject!"
Hilarious Subscriber! "What we have here..."
Why's the hot pepper so annoying?
It's hall-up-een-yo business.
as my grandfather lay sick with skin legions, my grandmother tried an old remedy of applying lard on his back.
afterwards, he went down hill fast.
My girlfriend told me I should be more sociable, so now I have two girlfriends.
I'm glad you liked it, I forgot where I heard it or I'd tell you.My girlfriend told me I should be more sociable, so now I have two girlfriends.
I got a good chuckle out of that thanks. I could see Rodney Dangerfield saying that.
A quote from rodney dangerfield
" boy I tell ya theres always somethin' with my wife,lady week a bought a car from my neighbor and found one of her dresses in the back seat "
" I went to join a gym , the sign said you'll loose weight in 30 days or your money back, I tried to pay the lady and she said keep it I was gonna mail it right back anyways "
Rodney rules...
"My wife gets around...I bought a used car and found a pair of her panties in the glove box!"
(https://i.imgur.com/Y5EwDXQ.jpg)Love it!!!!
Sorry guys.... we are getting complaints about the religious jokes....What if I identify as a pirate. ;)
We have to consider ALL members.
Sorry guys.... we are getting complaints about the religious jokes....
We have to consider ALL members.
It was bound to happen. Welcome to the United States of the offended. :PI'm offended you put it that way.
Well, I'm offended that you're offended! ;)I'm hurt that you being offended by me being offended offends you.
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled A Woman leans over and says,
"Are all those kids yours?"
He replied,
"No. I work for a Condom Company and these are customer complaints."
If you said this about Oregon, it would be a political joke. ::) Oh, wait.
Why do Russian policeman always travel in pairs?
The authorities require one who can read your papers, and a second to keep an eye on this dangerous intellectual!
How many Airgunners does it take to Change a Light Bulb?........
Answer: None........
We shoot them all out and go to Night vision mode....... ;D ;D ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQLv7CG10B4&feature=emb_rel_end (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQLv7CG10B4&feature=emb_rel_end)
Walmart is opening dentist clinics in it stores.They'll probably wanna have beds for people to knap off the effects of the gas, I know around here I see so many people who are already wearing house slippers and PJ bottoms.
There will be an express line for people with fewer than 12 teeth.
Gary
PJ pants are a step up from some of the things I've seen... :oWalmart is opening dentist clinics in it stores.They'll probably wanna have beds for people to knap off the effects of the gas, I know around here I see so many people who are already wearing house slippers and PJ bottoms.
There will be an express line for people with fewer than 12 teeth.
Gary
Why would anyone wear pajamas out in public as regular pants ?
Google "Walmartians" and see what you get... LL!Ummm.... I'm good.
Google "Walmartians" and see what you get... LL!
... and they breed!I couldn't tell if that woman smoking the cigarette was pregnant or she had eaten one of those pumpkins.
:o
Google "Walmartians" and see what you get... LL!Ummm.... I'm good.
You're welcome. ;)
You're welcome. ;)
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q_IUmMny1os/TxTqS8GtV0I/AAAAAAAAB0w/T2oP7WeK2jY/s640/Walmart9.jpg)
You're welcome. ;)I just text this to my son asking if that's my grandson
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q_IUmMny1os/TxTqS8GtV0I/AAAAAAAAB0w/T2oP7WeK2jY/s640/Walmart9.jpg)
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.
Yeti never complains.
Gary
If your car could travel at the speed of light; would your headlights work?
And one other thing, what's the speed of dark?
If your car could travel at the speed of light; would your headlights work?
And one other thing, what's the speed of dark?
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
Scott,We did the same thing with the high water the hurricanes brought into south Louisiana.
Just center it between the fence posts. Don't try to follow those drifts; they'll lead you astray. ;D
Rover Perseverance is already sending back first pictures of crude life form on Mars:
Rover Perseverance is already sending back first pictures of crude life form on Mars:
You ain't fooling me.. That is an Aggie Buck if I ever saw one!
What does an Aggie Cheerleader say after a "date"?
"Are you boys all on the same team?"
How does an Aggie girl turn on the light after a *date*?
She opens the car door.
What does an Aggie Girl say on her first "date"?
"Daddy... you're smashin' my cigarettes!"
If two Aggies get divorced are they still cousins?Awesome
Very good ones, Gary!
Very good ones, Gary!
Yes!
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. But I couldn't find
any.
She was looking for Pilgrims and the class roared with laughter and he got sent to the office.
Little Johnny was rewarded with a three-day vacation for answering correctly that time.
(https://media4.giphy.com/media/1Be2m6bkWhROAMeHNj/source.gif)
Good one Rob. Craig
Germs boost your immune system
They say that exposure germs boosts your immune system. So to ensure a healthy amount of exposure, a couple times a week I take a sip of some tea that's been sitting out for a few days. I don't plan it.....
But it still happens :(
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
a phobia of German sausage
is to fear the wurst
I already got vaccinated with the Russian COVID-19 vaccine
And I can təll you not to woяяy! I still doи't seə anч sidə efectoski secundarioski и меня зовут Лопес Обрадор, и я коррумпирован и лжец и почему я даю чистые прямые награды
Walmart is opening dentist clinics in it stores.
There will be an express line for people with fewer than 12 teeth.
Gary
6:30 is the best time of the day(https://media.giphy.com/media/3o7TKAwfiJfUW85bKo/giphy.gif)
Hands down
I was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion after an accident at work.Love it 👍👍
The doctor asked Me a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”
“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”
As the Doctor left the room I turned to the nurse and said,
“I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
I was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion after an accident at work.Love it 👍👍
The doctor asked Me a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”
“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”
As the Doctor left the room I turned to the nurse and said,
“I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington D C playing marbles.
INTERESTING OBSERVATION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington D C playing marbles.
.LOL! ;D
Smart water???
Smart water???
Heck,we use to drink out of the garden hose.Smart water???
I am so blessed to have great well water.
If anyone suggested bottled water would sell when I was a kid they would have been labeled "retard or crazy", that explains why so many rich today are..., LOL.
Ahh, nothing quite like the rubbery taste of that water.Heck,we use to drink out of the garden hose.Smart water???
I am so blessed to have great well water.
If anyone suggested bottled water would sell when I was a kid they would have been labeled "retard or crazy", that explains why so many rich today are..., LOL.
Ahh, nothing quite like the rubbery taste of that water.Heck,we use to drink out of the garden hose.Smart water???
I am so blessed to have great well water.
If anyone suggested bottled water would sell when I was a kid they would have been labeled "retard or crazy", that explains why so many rich today are..., LOL.
This one may already be in the thread somewhere, but it's one of my faves from the past few years...I had to share that one 😅
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
I am so blessed to have great well water.
I am so blessed to have great well water.
Did you know that one can turn well water into holy water?
It is easy. Just fill a stove pot with well water, and then boil the h e ll out of it.
I need to stop drinking coffee when I read this thread... Almost had to dry off my laptop several times now!
You all have probably heard this one (not too great, but it's something)
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because seven-ate-nine... :P
Jesse
I am so blessed to have great well water.
Did you know that one can turn well water into holy water?
It is easy. Just fill a stove pot with well water, and then boil the h e ll out of it.
I am thinking we need an entire thread dedicated to Bad Dad Jokes! ;DFunny you should say that; guess who I heard that one from... ;)
LOL
Elected officials are public servants........That is hilarious. ;D
It is hilarious. Our elected officials need to be reminded of that on a regular basis.Elected officials are public servants........That is hilarious. ;D
That they're hilarious?????It is hilarious. Our elected officials need to be reminded of that on a regular basis.Elected officials are public servants........That is hilarious. ;D
Went on a grapefruit diet. Screwed up and ate 8 grapefruits, now every time I pee it shoots me in the eye.https://youtu.be/RqmPxhD2hEA
https://youtu.be/fCIw6QCmaJ8
Thought some would find this funny.
https://youtu.be/fCIw6QCmaJ8
Thought some would find this funny.
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,
but very few people know about his sister,
Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,
but very few people know about his sister,
Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.
Best nascar race
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6hO8RRFGbU&t=80s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6hO8RRFGbU&t=80s)
Nancy: Look at that drunk guy!I can sort of relate. My wifes name is Nancy! lol
Me: Who is he?
Nancy: 25 years back he proposed to me and I rejected him.
Me: Oh my God, he's still celebrating!
----------
Because of this pandemic does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
----------
I tried working in an Orange Juice factory.
I got fired because I could not concentrate.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with extremely limited memory.
Just 1 Byte.
Then everything crashed.
-----------
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...
She hugged me.
:P
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with extremely limited memory.
Just 1 Byte.
Then everything crashed.
-----------
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...
She hugged me.
:P
..."Moola, Moola,....Moola, Moola"!
Sad that I remember Thurston singing that, and can't remember what I did day before yesterday...
He got 12 months.
You're diggin low there Jeff.:o
Not you usual quality. :-X
LOL!
Those were great
You're diggin low there Jeff.:o
Not you usual quality. :-X
I didn't realize I was on a grading scale!
;D
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"
"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."
"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"
"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?
"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"
"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."
Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"
The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"
----------
There was an old man who lived by a forest
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was.
All because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
----------
An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe...
As he’s looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.
“This is terrible! There’s no expiration date on our marriage license!”
The wife turns around from her work and reaches around her husband pointing at the last lines of the license.
“Sure it does, right here... ‘til death.’”
She continues: “Do you want to get out now or in a couple years?”
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become
a great writer.
When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.
Gary
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become
a great writer.
When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.
Gary
While kinda funny for it's direct implication of the reaction to the to USA tax regulations, what I find funniest is that someone thinks the whole world reads IRS tax regulations. ::)
All I know is what I'm gonna get back and what I might owe, but even that doesn't make sense sometimes.There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become
a great writer.
When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.
Gary
While kinda funny for it's direct implication of the reaction to the to USA tax regulations, what I find funniest is that someone thinks the whole world reads IRS tax regulations. ::)
What you mean you don't have all the regulations memorized by heart. :o ??? ;)
BD
What is this "Get Back" you guys keep talking about?
(https://i.imgur.com/YQrJIj9.jpg)My guess would be the use of a certain crystalline substance by all parties involved, probably a little green stuff for the cats as well.
(https://i.imgur.com/YQrJIj9.jpg)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.I'm one of the ones who doesn't, but I can infer that 1 0 must mean 2.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Gary
There are two kinds of bicycle riders in this world: Those that have fallen; and those that will fall.
I am in both groups.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.I'm one of the ones who doesn't, but I can infer that 1 0 must mean 2.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Gary
I'm probably wrong though because I don't understand it.
I thought 1 was for English.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.I'm one of the ones who doesn't, but I can infer that 1 0 must mean 2.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Gary
I'm probably wrong though because I don't understand it.
David, Binary code....
1 is "on" 0 is "off"
Or in other words...
1 is "yes" and 0 is "no"
But then I can't even spell DOS anymore. :o)
Gosh it isn't so funny when you have to explain it.
Like many of my jokes I can't post here.
;D ;) ;D
I thought 1 was for English.
How many of us does this apply to?
How many of us does this apply to?
But with you, you can't remember which drawer a tool is in where I can set one down for some reason and spend the next 15 minutes looking for the durn thing and of course it's the only tool that will do the job at that moment. 😜How many of us does this apply to?
Guilty as charged, but to my defense I have 4 tool boxes full of tools from 50 year career as a mechanic. ;D ;D ::)
BD
But with you, you can't remember which drawer a tool is in where I can set one down for some reason and spend the next 15 minutes looking for the durn thing and of course it's the only tool that will do the job at that moment. 😜How many of us does this apply to?
Guilty as charged, but to my defense I have 4 tool boxes full of tools from 50 year career as a mechanic. ;D ;D ::)
BD
But with you, you can't remember which drawer a tool is in where I can set one down for some reason and spend the next 15 minutes looking for the durn thing and of course it's the only tool that will do the job at that moment. 😜How many of us does this apply to?
Guilty as charged, but to my defense I have 4 tool boxes full of tools from 50 year career as a mechanic. ;D ;D ::)
BD
But with you, you can't remember which drawer a tool is in where I can set one down for some reason and spend the next 15 minutes looking for the durn thing and of course it's the only tool that will do the job at that moment. 😜How many of us does this apply to?
Guilty as charged, but to my defense I have 4 tool boxes full of tools from 50 year career as a mechanic. ;D ;D ::)
BD
Oh no I know exactly which drawer every tool is in in every tool box, its once I take it out to use it and lay it down I forget where I put it at cause I have just as many workbenches to lay it down on when doing the project I am involved in at any given time.
I have many multiples of lots of my tools and it does not help from loosing where they were last left. I talk to myself all the time I just forget to answer myself most times.
Gazing and fantasizing are SOP for any tool freak IMO.
Yea all vehicles since the mid 80s have gremlins that keep getting fed after midnight. ??? ;D ;D
BD
Gremlins.... and they prefer a 10mm
Is this the "Joke" thread or the "tool" thread...
I am so confused... ;)
A Guy walks into a bar and says..."my needle-nose pliers are missing."
Going full circle.
I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.
Nailed it.
;)
I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.(https://media1.tenor.com/images/cbb5332b609d9e1bb484c5dc925a774d/tenor.gif)
Nailed it.
;)
I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.(https://media1.tenor.com/images/cbb5332b609d9e1bb484c5dc925a774d/tenor.gif)
Nailed it.
;)
Is this the "Joke" thread or the "tool" thread...
I am so confused... ;)
That is the EXACT response I was hoping for. ;D
Is this the "Joke" thread or the "tool" thread...
Just had to share this that I think is easy to relate to.
Funny vid
Kinda like running out of gas... right? :oFunny vid
Kinda like running out of gas... right? :oFunny vid
You could carry a generator in your trunk...
You could carry a generator in your trunk...
Or cover the car in solar panels
You could carry a generator in your trunk...https://youtu.be/AJytvfaczvY
You could carry a generator in your trunk...
Nobody said it was going to be easy.
Nobody said it was going to be easy.If only it had 2 wheels and could be pedaled around.
A 'bicycle'? Isn't that one of those frozen things the kids like to eat in the summertime? <---Naw, that is a 'PopTart'.
Oh, I remember: A bicycle is one of those modes of transportation that helps people get to the emergency room at the hospital FASTER. :o :o
I always remember as a kid riding against the flow of traffic so I could see the cars coming in my direction to be able to avoid getting hit by them. Then some unintelligent bureaucrat decides it must be safer to ride with the flow of traffic the same as other motorized vehicles. Now I spend more time looking behind me than where I am going waiting for that distracted or inebriated driver to run over me from behind.
So because I am old skoll I ride against the flow so at least I can prepare to die at my pace not the drivers. I do not trust what I cannot see and I was not born with eyes in the back of my head.
BD
I always remember as a kid riding against the flow of traffic so I could see the cars coming in my direction to be able to avoid getting hit by them. Then some unintelligent bureaucrat decides it must be safer to ride with the flow of traffic the same as other motorized vehicles. Now I spend more time looking behind me than where I am going waiting for that distracted or inebriated driver to run over me from behind.Even with a mirror on my bike I like to as well, theres not much traffic riding to the hardware store or post office in my little town but I always prefer to see any car coming.
So because I am old skoll I ride against the flow so at least I can prepare to die at my pace not the drivers. I do not trust what I cannot see and I was not born with eyes in the back of my head.
BD
It has begun.
(https://i.imgur.com/bj31EMfm.jpg)
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"
(I did a search to see if this was ever posted, and it wasn't....I know it's an old one...)
When you officially know you are truly "over the hill."Ok,,, this is too much....
During a long day of looking around Cabela's, Bill, and a couple of his
friends stopped in at Hooter's for some hot wings and drinks.
After being there for a while, one of Bill's friends asked him which waitress he
would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
He told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators.”
Gary
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says,
Is this stool taken?
Gary
3 blondes walk into a bar...
You would think one of them would have seen it.
Yeah, I know.
And theyvoteBREED!
And theyvoteBREED!
Fixed it for you. ;)
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)I can't think of anything else they're good for ;)
I see these fully automatic BB guns advertised. The ones that look like a Thompson machine gun. I wonder if these would ethically kill an iguana?
Like this one? https://www.pyramydair.com/product/legends-m1a1-177-full-auto-blowback-co2-bb-gun?m=5125 (https://www.pyramydair.com/product/legends-m1a1-177-full-auto-blowback-co2-bb-gun?m=5125)
Somehow, at only 2 FPE per BB, I don't think that shooting even a burst of BBs is going to make up for the lack of penetration. So, you will probably have to finish off the iguana by bashing in its head (if it does not run away).
I don't think those snazzy Thompson SMG replicas are strong enough to use as a bludgeon, so you will need to use something more robust:
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)
Springers are made to handle cocking forces, and a huge jolt from firing. PCPs are dainty and fragile by comparison, even when they have a ballistic advantage.Well I suppose it would be the suggestion that the average Springer is a large clunky club of a rifle.
Where is the joke?I see these fully automatic BB guns advertised. The ones that look like a Thompson machine gun. I wonder if these would ethically kill an iguana?
Like this one? https://www.pyramydair.com/product/legends-m1a1-177-full-auto-blowback-co2-bb-gun?m=5125 (https://www.pyramydair.com/product/legends-m1a1-177-full-auto-blowback-co2-bb-gun?m=5125)
Somehow, at only 2 FPE per BB, I don't think that shooting even a burst of BBs is going to make up for the lack of penetration. So, you will probably have to finish off the iguana by bashing in its head (if it does not run away).
I don't think those snazzy Thompson SMG replicas are strong enough to use as a bludgeon, so you will need to use something more robust:
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)
HAHA! That one took a few seconds to "get"!You're better than me 🧐
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)I can't think of anything else they're good for ;)
Not likely ;)(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)I can't think of anything else they're good for ;)
Same name, same view on springers, could we be twins? ;)
.....Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the
'ole Gunny's balls.
Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains
and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing,
"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."
Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains
and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing,
"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."
Great one Jim!
A Cat walks into a Bar.
The Bartender says "What ya have?"
The Cat says "Shot of rum"
The Bartender pours the shotglass full of rum.
The Cat slowly pushes it off the bar onto the floor and says...
"another".
That may explain your breathe. ;)
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/200906835_2004840916349021_2028616250216129220_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=9267fe&_nc_ohc=EGINozFE4HQAX_KbdXz&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=f570ff7675929d588e4685f2ab23b81f&oe=61262B86)👍
I just checked -- There is NO Tide in this house. P H E W!
You don't want to find yourself near a murder scene. Or on a prank call about a murder scene:That had laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.🤣😂
(Some edgy language)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOvXxnSEQKY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOvXxnSEQKY)
"How about now?"
I got two Dobermans named Timex and Rolex...
They're watch dogs.
Kris, I figure it this way:Funny thing, when I was stationed in Okinawa when it rained it didn't bother me as the rain and the air were the same temperature,warm. It was like taking a shower as you walked to where you needed to be. Beat the heck out of the 99 percent humidity and 100 degree temperature.
When you get home, you don't need to shower and you clothes are already washed. BIG water savings! ::)
My 1st wife used to drive a Pinto. God rest her soul.
With the Pinto you had the choice of keeping the gas half full & getting blown up or keeping the tank full and getting burned up. ;)
:oJust imagine what might have happened it was a timex with indiglo.
Only those of a certain age group can appreciate that one Gary.
NICE!
Only those of a certain age group can appreciate that one Gary.I think many younger people these days probably do know the song, but likely from cover by smashmouth that was featured in Shrek .
NICE!
I was going through the house singing the Monkeys "I'n a Believer".
My wife told me to stop it.
I thought she was kidding.
Then I saw her face...
Gary
It's that time of year!!!
I think bacon scented would be a best seller....
Mmmm BACON!
when I die i want the crematory to wrap me in bacon before firering up the furnace. This way passerbys will smell it and stop in. It will look as if I was well liked. 🥓😵🥓
8)
Dan, that is exactly how stupid this whole Covid vaccination thing sounds. Only follow the science when it's what you want the science to say. Even then they contradict themselves. ::) A good spin on the Abbot & Costello routine.
Those are Friars.
:-XI read that there was actually a business somewhere that payed a million bux for that phone number.
:-X 8675309
The adult human body has around 210 bones. Each day, about 200 of my bones ache.
Time for a new mattress!
My game show is - Which part of my body AIN'T going to hurt today!!LOL.... mine is 'which is going to hurt worse'?
Since age is the current subject I'll share a funny thing from years ago.Brutal. My wife says stuff like that. Funny lass.
My EX brother in-law worked for the phone company and was outdoors mostly in the sun all the time.
We had my sister in-law and him over for dinner when he turned 40 and I ask him if he felt any different being 40. He answered that he did not feel any different, to which my sister in-law quickly responded "I think you feel more like leather now".
Bill, you should have gone to Walmart and borrowed one of these.Killer left a very large, very new power chair at the house when he went into the nursing home. It's still mostly in the original plastic wrap.... I keep eyeballing it... :o
"I think you feel more like leather now".
I have intercostal nerve damage on my ribs. I've tried different mattresses but I think I know what I need to sleep on now to make it feel better. Money. If I slept on a million bucks as a bed, a literal pile of money, I think, probably, that I will not feel my pain so much.
Second best: this green tea foam mattress I picked up is pretty nice.
Ask her if sleeping on a pile of money would help!? I swear it is the cure to nearly everything.I have intercostal nerve damage on my ribs. I've tried different mattresses but I think I know what I need to sleep on now to make it feel better. Money. If I slept on a million bucks as a bed, a literal pile of money, I think, probably, that I will not feel my pain so much.
Second best: this green tea foam mattress I picked up is pretty nice.
My wife has costochrondritis ( inflammation of the cartilage connecting the ribs to the sternum ) on her left side that can flare up at any time. She says it feel like she is having a heart attack but her heart doc say everything is ok. Getting old aint for sissies.
BD
I personally have Costcochrondritis, swelling of the wallet caused by buying bulk at Costco! ;DMy wallet is just the opposite, it gets skinner after going to costco.lol
I personally have Costcochrondritis, swelling of the wallet caused by buying bulk at Costco! ;D
Ask her if sleeping on a pile of money would help!? I swear it is the cure to nearly everything.I have intercostal nerve damage on my ribs. I've tried different mattresses but I think I know what I need to sleep on now to make it feel better. Money. If I slept on a million bucks as a bed, a literal pile of money, I think, probably, that I will not feel my pain so much.
Second best: this green tea foam mattress I picked up is pretty nice.
My wife has costochrondritis ( inflammation of the cartilage connecting the ribs to the sternum ) on her left side that can flare up at any time. She says it feel like she is having a heart attack but her heart doc say everything is ok. Getting old aint for sissies.
BD
Sorry to hear about your wife's condition on a serious note. Rib pain and chest pain is hard to deal with. I hope you guys have found some mediating actions. Pain is a desert you have to cross by foot.
Regards
Do the people who are paying $300 for a colon cleanse know that😂😂
Taco Bell has a $4.99 super meal?
Weakest part of a vehicle is the nut holding the steering wheel.Why do you think everyone is trying to make self driving vehicles?
Do the people who are paying $300 for a colon cleanse know that
Taco Bell has a $4.99 super meal?
Do the people who are paying $300 for a colon cleanse know that
Taco Bell has a $4.99 super meal?
I've combined Alphabet Soup with a laxative.
I plan to market it as "Letter Rip!"
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ELEPHANT THAT DOESN’T MATTER?Worked on that all night did ya?
Irrelephant.
Thats the last time I ever buy shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with
but I have been tripping all day.
If you boil a funny bone does it become laughing stock?
Gary
After lunch a group of engineers got in the car to head back to work but it wouldn't start.
The mechanical engineer said it needed a new starter.
The electrical engineer said it was a dead battery.
The IT engineer said lets all get out of the car and then get back in...
Gary
Lance is a pretty uncommon name these days.
But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
A cowboy rides into town on Friday. Three days later he leaves on Friday. How?
A cowboy rides into town on Friday. Three days later he leaves on Friday. How?
His horse was named Friday.
89 year-old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
I watched that one a lot as a kid, but haven't watched it in 20 years.A cowboy rides into town on Friday. Three days later he leaves on Friday. How?
His horse was named Friday.
You've seen Little Big League
I'm sure theres a short regular dad joke kinda version of this, but the entire setup and reaction makes norms version worth it.
https://youtu.be/n3LMSflEN54
;)What's a postman? I haven't had mail delivery at my house in around 18 years.
Why are Dogs terrible dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except…
The bark is much quieter.
When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get?
A lot of trouble with a postman.
That cougardog ate him!;)What's a postman? I haven't had mail delivery at my house in around 18 years.
Why are Dogs terrible dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except…
The bark is much quieter.
When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get?
A lot of trouble with a postman.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;DThat cougardog ate him!;)What's a postman? I haven't had mail delivery at my house in around 18 years.
Why are Dogs terrible dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except…
The bark is much quieter.
When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get?
A lot of trouble with a postman.
I usually wait until she is out of the room before uttering the last word.... :oWhich is"yes dear".😂😂😂😂
My doctor told me not to worry too much about old age , IT DOESN'T LAST THAT LONG ANYWAY.
My doctor told me not to worry too much about old age , IT DOESN'T LAST THAT LONG ANYWAY.
An old guy was given six months to live. He was behind on paying his bills, so his doctor gave him another three months.
Henny Youngman classic?
Henny Youngman classic?
No idea where I heard it...
Once a friend of mine went to mime school.
I never heard from him again.
Once a friend of mine went to mime school.(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/0c/df/30/0cdf30ba0171fef98e421c2fdd9b3fc3.gif)
I never heard from him again.
Once a friend of mine went to mime school.He probably entered a mime field and didn't know it.
I never heard from him again.
If a mime falls in the woods, does anybody care?
brother to my sister who is the son of my father What the ??????
Closing in on "Halloween", so here's a word of caution...
"Never moon a Werewolf!"
My father could sharpen a knife so sharp,
that it could slice a piece of meat so thin
that it would only have 1 side.....
My father could sharpen a knife so sharp,Doesn't sound very filling 😳
that it could slice a piece of meat so thin
that it would only have 1 side.....
Ed and his wife were working in the garden one daySomeday I'll learn not to read these type jokes back to Betty Lou.... :o
> > when Ed looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really
> > big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
> >
> > With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
> > then
> > went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
> >
> > "Yes, I was right!! Your butt is two inches wider than the
> > barbecue!!!" The wife chose to ignore her husband.
> >
> > Later that night in bed, Ed is feeling a little frisky. He makes some
> > advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?"
> > he
> > asks.
> >
> > She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
> > big-@@@ grill for one little weenie?😳
(spell check is my worst enema)
Quote(spell check is my worst enema)
Now THAT is FUNNY!
WARNING ...RANT!
For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my gin out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
How do you turn a slug into a vegetable?
You get a rock and make it squash!!!
What goes-Leon, leon, leon, leon
A dyslexic singing christmas carols.
Got a present the other day-It was four AA batteries and a note that said Gift Not Included.
I saw in the paper the inventor of auto-correct died. The obituary said his funnel is tomato.
A friend of mine was on a safari in Africa with a hunting group. After a hard day of hunting they got back to their land rover and discovered the driver had left the lights on and the battery was dead. They didn’t know what they were going to do and then suddenly a rhinoceros came crashing out of a nearby patch of trees and charged their vehicle.
Where do bad rainbows go-Prism, but it is only a light sentence.
Gary
Saw that the inventor of out-correct died.
The obituary said his funnel is tomato.
Gary
Walked into my son's room and said, "If you keep doing that you'll go blind".😱😱
From the opposite side of the room I heard. "Dad, I'm over here". :o ::) :-[
Came up with a product to make me a Million dollars!I think that'll be next to the window screens for submarines ;D
A door lock for tents!
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it, because you guys didn't like it.We may warm up to it, in time... ;)
Why are some people so good at remembering jokes? I'm jealous. There are only two jokes that I can always remember. Neither should be posted here.
[/quoteWhy are some people so good at remembering jokes? I'm jealous. There are only two jokes that I can always remember. Neither should be posted here.Better than me
I can only remember one joke and it's from the 50's so you know it's no where near PC.
Hey, have you heard about the latest anonymous sperm bank being established by the State of Indiana?
It will be called "Hoosier Daddy."
Gary, that is my home country.
From OLD TIMES: The word Dixie could have originally referred to currency issued first by the Citizens State Bank in the French Quarter (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_Quarter) of New Orleans and then by other banks in Louisiana (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louisiana). These banks issued ten-dollar notes[1 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dixie#cite_note-14) labeled Dix on the reverse side, French for ten (French pronunciation:[dis] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA/French), ). The notes were known as Dixies by Southerners, and the area around New Orleans (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Orleans) and the French-speaking parts of Louisiana came to be known as Dixieland. Eventually, usage of the term broadened to refer to the Southern states in general.
Hey, now! I resemble those remarks!
being old is good. i think
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
That is no JOKE!
Found that out about 15 years ago.
It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.
I confer with 4 out of 3 people have trouble with math.there's only three kinds of people,those that can count ,and those that can't.....
She has three children, one of each.
More like a sign of the times.... :oShe has three children, one of each.
That must be an old joke.
More like a sign of the times.... :oShe has three children, one of each.
That must be an old joke.
It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.
I call it CRS!It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.
I think most people these days suffer from CMJS, Cain't Member Jack Squat. Curly said it best: I'm trying to think but nuttin happens.
It's the early stages of CRAFTI call it CRS!It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.
I think most people these days suffer from CMJS, Cain't Member Jack Squat. Curly said it best: I'm trying to think but nuttin happens.
Ohhh.. Ho...Ho!Naaaahhh! Too easy!
that is DEEP. ;)
If Tomato Paste is slippery and Peanut Butter is sticky,
Why is it not called Tomato Butter and Peanut Paste?
:o
They're, their, there now. We'll have none of that. :o
That's funny, I don't care who you are.+1
Scott like our pres said about domestic violence we gotta keep punching at it and punching at it and punching at it. :PYeah, but we'll punch in a friendly, caring way ;D
(https://shareitsfunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/lost-puppy.jpg)
I just spit my coffee out! Good one!
Saturday morning, I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my GF back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now?”
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.
They taste funny!
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.
They taste funny!
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.
They taste funny!
An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...
and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.
"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"
The archaeologist, whose name was Benjamin, cowered in terror as the genie fumed before him, hoping that the genie's rage might be sated without him ending up dead.
"Fine," the genie grumbled finally after a tense silence. "I will let you live, with one condition. You must not shave or cut the hair on your head, for when you do, I will turn you into an urn just like the one from which I came. Remember! I will not forget."
As Benjamin timidly removed his arm from his face, he saw a flash of light, and *poof* the genie was no more, and only the urn remained to remind him of the curse that had been placed upon him.
Finishing up his business at the dig site, he returned home to his job in artifact restoration at a museum in the city where he lived. The genie's urn he had left in the tomb where it lay, sealing the room shut when the expedition had left.
After many years had passed, Benjamin began to have difficulty dealing with his hair. A scraggly mustache and beard drooped down his chin to his chest, and his shoulder-length hair was a constant irritation whenever he looked in the mirror.
Finally, after a day of itching and scratching at his face and head, he gave up.
"Surely the genie will not carry out the curse. Maybe if I just trimmed my beard a bit, he would let me alone."
The next few minutes found Benjamin in his bathroom facing the mirror, scissors in hand. Taking a deep breath, he placed the scissors close to his chin to cut off the ends of his beard. His hand began to close, and just as the first few strands of hair were severed from his body---
"**FOOL!** You ignored my command, and for that, you shall *die*!" shouted the genie, who appeared out of nowhere.
Suddenly, Benjamin was no more, and all that was left was an ancient-looking urn on the ground where his feet had been planted.
And that was the end of Benjamin.
Now, what can we learn from this sad, sad tale?
...
...
...
*A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned.*
OH GROAN!!!
The devil whispered in my ear "You are not strong enough to weather the storm".
I whispered back, " Love your eggs".
Gary
The devil whispered in my ear "You are not strong enough to weather the storm".
I whispered back, " Love your eggs".
Gary
Oh My Gosh... I didn't get it until asking for help I read it out loud. ;Dju gotta be quick, compadre! (Like when you picked up that Silver Streak!)
I was 62 years old before I found out that Cilantro didn't taste like soap to everyone. I thought you people were crazy.Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.
They taste funny!
And some Cilantro to make it taste awesome! :P
I was 62 years old before I found out that Cilantro didn't taste like soap to everyone. I thought you people were crazy.Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.
They taste funny!
And some Cilantro to make it taste awesome! :P
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“*(&^,” he said, ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Dang, depending on Ethnicity 4-17% of people think it taste like soap. The rest love it. Soapy to me and my wife. We neither one like beets, think they taste like dirt.
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“*(&^,” he said, ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
I was 62 years old before I found out that Cilantro didn't taste like soap to everyone. I thought you people were crazy.Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.
They taste funny!
And some Cilantro to make it taste awesome! :P
I WOULD say that I am lucky that my wife's panties fit me, but y'all would look at me funny.....
Ron, look at you funny - and point and laugh too!
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“*(&^,” he said, ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
I WOULD say that I am lucky that my wife's panties fit me, but y'all would look at me funny.....
Soap and dirt... Yupper, they taste like that to me as well.Women's panties???😱😳🧐🧐🧐
A Red Ship and a Blue Ship collided at Sea.
The Crews ended up marooned!
My ability to remember 80’s song lyrics far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen!YEP!!! Even 60's , and 70's too.
Funny but true.
Walmart Greeter:...
So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, ugly, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart".
"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'H@!! no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the
other one's 7. Why the h@!! would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe that anyone would have sex with you twice."
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
A man was chosen for jury service, but he very much wanted to avoid it. He tried every excuse he could think of, but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” he said “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought ‘He is a crook, he’s guilty, guilty.’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury.”
The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for – a good judge of character.
That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”
Am I too old to do this at 78 years old.That sure made me laugh.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM)
It's tap dancing with out the tap shoes.Am I too old to do this at 78 years old.That sure made me laugh.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM)
Just think how much time was wasted lesrning that nonsensical dance, and think of how how terribly dim the person must have been to think it was okay to do this to that song.
I can just imagine that person probably still needs their fingers to count to 10.
This is actually a riddle but i thought someone may find it amusing.
Three guys were planning a fishing trip so they called a campground to reserve a cabin, the manager told them it was slow so he'd give them the cabin for $25 instead of $30 the normal price.
So they headed out and when they arrived at the campground they went to the office to pay but when they got there the manager wasn't in but the assistant manager was and didn't know about the discount so he charged them $30 so each man paid $10.
Later the manager came back and found out the 3 men had showed up, he asked the assistant how much he charged and was told $30, he told the assistant that he quoted them $25 over the phone and gave him 5 ones to refund the men.
The assistant took the money and along the way he thought how do I split 5 ones three ways? so decided to just give each man 1 dollar back and he'd pocket the other 2, so he refunded each 1 dollar that means they each paid 9 dollars and the assistant had the other 2 in his pocket.
9x3 is 27 + the 2 in the assistants pocket is 29, where did the other dollar go?
The 3 men actually paid $28/3=$9.33 each for their room, not $9.00.
$30-$2 = $28 for the room.
I've been terrified of elevators for year!
So I've always taken steps to avoid them.
I've been terrified of elevators for year!Healthier! What is the saying, you gane 1 second of life for every step you climb?
So I've always taken steps to avoid them.
Before crow bars were invented,Don't expect an answer. I asked what dogs do on their day off and I'm still waiting for someone to tell me.🫣😗😗
where did crows go for drinks?
what do dogs do on their day off ?Yep 👍
what do dogs do on their day off ?Yep 👍
what do dogs do on their day off ?Yep 👍
I thought I answered that...
what do dogs do on their day off ?Yep 👍
I thought I answered that...
Just goes to show you, even the smartest men in the world can lack common sense... ;)
>> Dave was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
>> Dave wanted two things:
>> • to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
>> • to find a wife to share his fortune.
>> One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away
>> "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
>> Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men
An atheist was walking thru the woods.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look & saw a 7’ grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He ran faster, then… he tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him w/its left paw & raising the right paw to strike.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh, my God!”
Time Stopped… The bear froze… The forest was silent...
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky …
"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident! Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I now to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
After a seemingly long pause, God says, "Very well."
The light went out & the sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right arm, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty thru Christ our Lord. Amen."
We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality
pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last
purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.
"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up
to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"
"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."
Gary
post 3958 I don't get
I was at an ATM an old lady ask me to help her check her balance so I pushed her over
post 3958 I don't get
post 3958 I don't get
post 3958 I don't get
Shirley, you jest.....
A friend bought a dog from a blacksmith. 10 minutes after he arrived home the dog made bolt for the door.
What did the drummer call his two twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
Don't let anybody tell you that you can't be a blues singer if you were named after a Diet soda from the 70's.At least they didn't name him Sue! 😄
https://youtu.be/s9Cgqce02iw
Real Country music is really just a form of the blues too, and it's pretty easy to turn one into a regular blues song.
https://youtu.be/LT2ThFmT48A
https://youtu.be/FwOAKNaCuwA
Different rules may apply when it comes to names and places, but many of the others still apply.
Same thing, but different person and different instruments.
Instead of having a disability and fruit in your name you often gotta have 2 first names or you gotta make sure you use your middle name or middle initial.
In fact this song here sums things up pretty well.
https://youtu.be/s4pZFsEdP3Y
Momma, trains, trucks, prison, and gettin' drunk.
Heavily involved and often responsible for both.
Love the last verse of 'you never even call me by my name'.John prine and Steve Goodman both know how to really have fun with the song.
He really nailed it.
Gary
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.That one 😂😂
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to music on may AirPods.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.That one 😂😂
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to music on may AirPods.
I hate music critics!
An Air gunner walks into a Gun Store and see's an elderly Man behind the counter, He asks the Elderly clerk " Do you have any PCP Rifles", the Elderly Clerk looks at him with a strange look on his face and said " Son, if you want to do Drugs, You don't need a Gun to Shoot Up"...... ;D ;D ;D :oAn appropriate joke for GTA
what did the hotdog say when it won the race?
i'm a wiener!
Now that's funny! Did you come up with that?Yep, just popped into my mind, since there was nothing else there..... ;D ;D ;D
Like a lighting bolt hitting your brain? Sorry, watched Hook yesterday and remembered the line Hotchkiss said.Now that's funny! Did you come up with that?Yep, just popped into my mind, since there was nothing else there..... ;D ;D ;D
Dog walks into a telegraph office...I don't know why that one made me laugh so much, but I guess that's just my kind of humor.
Clerk says, "What's your message?"
Dog says, "Woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof."
Clerk says, "You know, for the same price, you can fit one more 'woof' in."
Dog replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense."
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
in honor of upcoming father's day...
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? It's swarm.
Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put on my glasses.
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t "c" in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled.
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.Like and shared
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said "You Americans.
You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady.
May I sit there?
I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bit ch out the window."
Really? Do you know anything about nuclear power?A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled.
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
[chuckling] That's pretty good. I'm taking a plane in a couple weeks. Might use that one.
Or at the very least about Nucular power.Really? Do you know anything about nuclear power?A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled.
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
[chuckling] That's pretty good. I'm taking a plane in a couple weeks. Might use that one.
Well Bill,he might know about $hite?Really? Do you know anything about nuclear power?A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled.
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
[chuckling] That's pretty good. I'm taking a plane in a couple weeks. Might use that one.
I already have four people following me: two police officers, and private investigator and a psychiatrist.
I think Farty Towels was the best episode title they ever made. Loved that show!
I think Farty Towels was the best episode title they ever made. Loved that show!
This one?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtf82AqA_Ek (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtf82AqA_Ek)
An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.
But he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely, she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief.
"By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
What's the difference between guys who shoot air guns and a savings bond? Eventually the bond matures.
What goes...clippty clop, clippty clop, bang. Clippty clop, clippty clop bang bang?That's also the sound my Crosman 362 makes.
An Amish drive by shooting. 😴
Question: What's the loudest sound in the world?
Answer: Someone dropping their rifle in formation.
LOL.... looks like Betty Lou the first time she shot the Super Comanche .410 pistol.
She let go in time, the gun went straight up and straight down to the ground.
First and last time she shot that gun.
Yep, I got a good chuckle out of it.
She let go in time, the gun went straight up and straight down to the ground.
First and last time she shot that gun.
Yep, I got a good chuckle out of it.
Yeah, but it was better than shooting me.She let go in time, the gun went straight up and straight down to the ground.
First and last time she shot that gun.
Yep, I got a good chuckle out of it.
And she still married you? ::)
Bob
Just remember this is only a joke, and you can substitute whoever you want into ot if you retell it.
https://youtu.be/9YU03ZvoPPg
He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."
You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.
He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."
You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.
Dang I was thinking I knew the punch line but turns out I was thinking Genesis 9:7
:o ;)
Everyone that has a Bible will need to get it for this story. If you don't have one, you will have to use the magic of an internet search.😂🤣😂
A new preacher is in town and is taking the time to visit the homes of every member of his new congregation. It's a nice day and perfect strolling weather.
He comes to the door of the home of a congregant. The windows are all open and he can hear the radio playing softly in one of the rooms. Only the screen door is closed at the entrance.
He rings the doorbell and waits patiently. There is no answer. He rings the doorbell again. As before, nobody comes to the door.
He rings one more time and calls out; "hello, is anyone home?"
He calls out several times but no answer. So he takes out his business card and writes "Revelation 3:20" on the back. He places the card between the screen door and the door jam then leaves.
The following Sunday, he delivers one of his best sermons. Everyone is pleased to have him and his family as part of the church.
After saying goodbye to everyone at the steps of the church, he goes to the alter to gather up the collection plates.
In one of the plates, he notices his business card on top of the tithes and offerings.
He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."
You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.
;D
He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."
You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.
Dang I was thinking I knew the punch line but turns out I was thinking Genesis 9:7
:o ;)
I reckon it's time to ban Viagra because if pregnancy is God's will then so is ED... :o
Hmm I must of found the wrong Genesis
He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."
You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.
Dang I was thinking I knew the punch line but turns out I was thinking Genesis 9:7
:o ;)
Me too :P
A blonde woman is driving down the road and happens to notice that she’s low on gas. Seeing a station she pulls in and starts filling her car. While pumping her gas she notices she locked her keys in the car. When she goes inside to pay she ask the attendant if he has a clothes hanger so she can attempt to open the doors herself. She goes out and is working vigorously trying to Jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later the attendant goes out to see how she’s doing. Outside the blonds is moving the hanger back and forth and up and down, while another blonds inside is saying, A little more to the left….a little more right……
Bob
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral!”
I knew the spatula was coming, but "There for the funeral,"
made me laugh out loud.
I knew the spatula was coming, but "There for the funeral,"
made me laugh out loud.
Me too :) . Funny and tragic at the same time.
Who else remembers Victor Borge? ;)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKeqaDSjy98&ab_channel=jazzy_larry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKeqaDSjy98&ab_channel=jazzy_larry)
Who else remembers Victor Borge? ;)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKeqaDSjy98&ab_channel=jazzy_larry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKeqaDSjy98&ab_channel=jazzy_larry)
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.
Funny you should say that. I believe they all learn that in "Wife 101"If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.
Man, you got that right. Mine changes the channel then goes to the other room. ::)
Funny you should say that. I believe they all learn that in "Wife 101"If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.
Man, you got that right. Mine changes the channel then goes to the other room. ::)
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.
Man, you got that right. Mine changes the channel then goes to the other room. ::)
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.
Man, you got that right. Mine changes the channel then goes to the other room. ::)
You let her have the remote? ROTFL
Seriously though, I rarely watch TV in the living room and she picks what's on most of the time in there.
I bought a second remote - problem solved!I bought a second TV ;D
We have three TVs - one for me, one for her, and a spare for HER.
Problem solved.
that is the one that moves to another room.
That would be me!
COP - You were going fast.
Me - I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.
COP - There isn’t any traffic.
ME - I know! That’s how far behind I am.
My cousin got pulled over one night doing about 90 on I-75 coming home from Georgia with a pickup truck and trailer full of produce. Trooper said he was speeding and didn't have any tail lights. He said yeah, I noticed the lights on the trailer quit working. That's why I was speeding, I didn't want anyone to rear end me. Trooper told him to get out of there. ;D ;D ;D
My cousin got pulled over one night doing about 90 on I-75 coming home from Georgia with a pickup truck and trailer full of produce. Trooper said he was speeding and didn't have any tail lights. He said yeah, I noticed the lights on the trailer quit working. That's why I was speeding, I didn't want anyone to rear end me. Trooper told him to get out of there. ;D ;D ;D
Sounds like Seffner logic to me...............
My cousin got pulled over one night doing about 90 on I-75 coming home from Georgia with a pickup truck and trailer full of produce. Trooper said he was speeding and didn't have any tail lights. He said yeah, I noticed the lights on the trailer quit working. That's why I was speeding, I didn't want anyone to rear end me. Trooper told him to get out of there. ;D ;D ;D
Sounds like Seffner logic to me...............
I think he was actually in N. Fla or Ga. ;D What's a Mississippi guy know about Seffner anywho? ;D
Bob, might I suggest training wheels or one of those adult tricycles! hee hee
Hey Carter:
Last night I watched a documentary on mushrooms...
I will watch every documentary that way from now on.
Hey Carter:
Last night I watched a documentary on mushrooms...
I will watch every documentary that way from now on.
Hey Carter:
Last night I watched a documentary on mushrooms...
I will watch every documentary that way from now on.
Did you have the lights off?????
What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
Cherry float!
Somebody is on a roll today... weekend must be coming.You know it Brother! ;)
What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
Cherry float!
I got a waterbed............been on it for 45 years.....
Somebody is on a roll today... weekend must be coming.You know it Brother! ;)
.... and the sample was shaken, not stirred ;DSomebody is on a roll today... weekend must be coming.You know it Brother! ;)
Ya, I drink too much... way too much.
The other day I had to give a urine sample.
There was an olive in it.
I Am A Texan
I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
True story of a prank on a foreman who was a jerk.
Painters group had a nasty foreman. Since he always went to lunch first, others could not leave the shop until he returned. Then, since he took his time, there wasn't much time left for the rest of the guys to have lunch. So they typically went across the street to a Mickey D's and when they came back, they brought an extra order of fries that they scattered over the nasty foreman's car. He could not understand that when they left work his car was always covered in seagull poop but not the rest of the cars in the lot. I don't know if he ever did find out how that happened.
As a kid my mom once told us how her grandfather used to give alcazeltzer to birds so they'd explode.
She soon regretted that because my brother then wanted to do that more than anything and she always had to check before we went to the river to make sure he wasn't trying to sneak some with him to feed the gulls ducks or geese.
I never quite believed a bird would actually burst mid air in grand fashion like we were told, but I always kind of thought they'd at least die from it.
What's blue and smells likes red paint?
Blue paint.
What's blue and smells likes red paint?
Blue paint.
Missing Wife
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door…. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, “What if the place is still bugged?”
The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Finally, he says, “AHA!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws.
He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?”
The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
The hotel manager says, “Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.”
I don't know if this would be considered political. If it is please delete. I just got a big laugh out of it.🤣🤣🤣
Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.
Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery
Oh this is getting good.🤣🤣🤣
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.LOL!!! ;D ;D ;D
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running, I figure I’d better run too!”
I don't know if this would be considered political. If it is please delete. I just got a big laugh out of it.🤣🤣🤣
Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.
Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.YEP!!!
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Betty Lou thinks she got jokes...Ahh, but was she not supposed to have been fabricated from a spare part?... ;)
She said man was created before woman because there always needs to be a rough draft before a masterpiece.... ???
Reminds me of an episode of south park where cartman was going to kill himself because he could no longer understand a world where high school musical was popular, the next day at school he says he tried but his mom's hybrid didn't do the trick.I don't know if this would be considered political. If it is please delete. I just got a big laugh out of it.🤣🤣🤣
Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.
Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery
[chuckling]
I was sure it was goingvto be a prius until the punchline hit me with a tesla.
A police officer radioes in to the station.My mom used to run us off with a broom.
"Sarge, we have a situation here."
"Yes? Go ahead" comes back the answer.
"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Reminds me of an episode of south park where cartman was going to kill himself because he could no longer understand a world where high school musical was popular, the next day at school he says he tried but his mom's hybrid didn't do the trick.I don't know if this would be considered political. If it is please delete. I just got a big laugh out of it.🤣🤣🤣
Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.
Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery
[chuckling]
I was sure it was goingvto be a prius until the punchline hit me with a tesla.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
If getting kicked in the nuts produced a puppy, I might consider doing it again.
No wait, I'd just adopt one from the shelter.
Betty Lou thinks she got jokes...
She said man was created before woman because there always needs to be a rough draft before a masterpiece.... ???
My wife told me to take out the spyder instead of killing it... So I did.
We had a few drinks, and some talking... Turns out He is really a nice guy.
....
He's a web developer.
My wife told me to take out the spyder instead of killing it... So I did.
We had a few drinks, and some talking... Turns out He is really a nice guy.
....
He's a web developer.
A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve. The mall was packed with shoppers.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife suddenly noticed her husband was nowhere around. Very upset because they had a lot of shopping left to do, she used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband picked up and in a calm voice said, “Honey do you remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with a diamond necklace ? I told you then we couldn't afford it, but one day I was going to buy you that necklace."
With a pounding heart, the wife started to cry. “Yes, yes, sweetheart, I remember exactly where that jewelry store is located."
The husband said, “Well I'm in the bar right next to it."
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover his butt quack!
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, has owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and lime trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Automotive oddities: https://youtu.be/2cmKhnifB50?t=115
FYI - blonde is NOT a hair color. It is a state of mind!!
I can't get caught laughing at blonde jokes because my wife is a blonde.
I can't get caught laughing at blonde jokes because my wife is a blonde.
I am taking Viagra for my sunburn...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Doesn't cure it but keeps the sheets off my legs.
Holiday decoration hazards!This just may change my mind about not doing holiday decorations.
(https://i.imgur.com/fRQ8wMh.png)
Arguing with SWMBO she asked me "Am I driving you crazy?"
I told her "No. Thats's just a short walk for me."
Rodney one liners ... pull up a chair.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GfWXN5Lp1s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GfWXN5Lp1s)
"One for the road" for me means pulling over to the side of the road and letting it rip.Don't do that in Kali. 2 friends and I were riding from the cajon pass over to big Bear on our dual sport m/c. After about an hour we reached hyw 138 just below Silverwood lake and 1 of my buddies needed to pee. Where the trail met the hyw and where he was peeing was between 60 and 90 yards from the road with his back turned to the road. CHP officer came rolling by about that time and gave him a ticket for peeing in public. Yes, this was decades ago.
Just another reason for me not to want to live there."One for the road" for me means pulling over to the side of the road and letting it rip.Don't do that in Kali. 2 friends and I were riding from the cajon pass over to big Bear on our dual sport m/c. After about an hour we reached hyw 138 just below Silverwood lake and 1 of my buddies needed to pee. Where the trail met the hyw and where he was peeing was between 60 and 90 yards from the road with his back turned to the road. CHP officer came rolling by about that time and gave him a ticket for peeing in public. Yes, this was decades ago.
That's 1 of many reasons I won't live there anymore.Just another reason for me not to want to live there."One for the road" for me means pulling over to the side of the road and letting it rip.Don't do that in Kali. 2 friends and I were riding from the cajon pass over to big Bear on our dual sport m/c. After about an hour we reached hyw 138 just below Silverwood lake and 1 of my buddies needed to pee. Where the trail met the hyw and where he was peeing was between 60 and 90 yards from the road with his back turned to the road. CHP officer came rolling by about that time and gave him a ticket for peeing in public. Yes, this was decades ago.
State Trooper once told me that if you have to pee, pull off to the side and open your hood. Stand close and appear to be checking out your engine. Anyone passes will think you are checking out a radiator leak.🧐😂
State Trooper once told me that if you have to pee, pull off to the side and open your hood. Stand close and appear to be checking out your engine. Anyone passes will think you are checking out a radiator leak.
How's that work for women?Next time you see a woman ask her?🧐😳🫣🤔🤣😂🤣
Yeah well with the recent discovery of a spectrum of intersex individuals I wouldn't be too sure that there aren't more self proclaimed varieties.That would be for humans not dogs. Dogs are WAY smarter than that.👍
It must be cold outside.. my internet keeps freezing.. :o
How's that work for women?Next time you see a woman ask her?🧐😳🫣🤔🤣😂🤣
Act like you're checking your tire pressure instead. ;)How's that work for women?Next time you see a woman ask her?🧐😳🫣🤔🤣😂🤣
Believe me, it's not easy. Ya'll wanted to know. ;)
Betty Lou has a camo utility box on the back rack of her atv. One of the most important thing she checks before a ride is to make sure she has a roll of TP in a qt. zip lock bag in it.
And then if you're lucky you find a woman who has her own motorcycle..... and can work on it.
Christmas time...so this is spiritual...Change Biden to Trump and the joke would work better.
One day God looked down on earth and was very saddened by what humans had done to it. He snapped his fingers and who he thinks are the 3 most influential people appeared before Him. God explained the situation to them and send them back to tell earth's citizens. Biden goes on tv via satellite and says his message to the Free World: I have Good news and Bad news....There is a God, but He says we've ruined the world, and He will release a plague and exterminate all humans in a week. Putin release his message via cold war radio and tv technology to the Red Bloc countries: I have Bad News and Worst News...There is a God, but He will destroy us in a week for polluting the planet. Bill Gates goes on social media thru internet and types: I have Great News and Fantastic News...God thinks I'm one of three most influential people, and you don't have to upgrade Windows 10.
Christmas time...so this is spiritual...
One day God looked down on earth and was very saddened by what humans had done to it. He snapped his fingers and who he thinks are the 3 most influential people appeared before Him. God explained the situation to them and send them back to tell earth's citizens. Biden goes on tv via satellite and says his message to the Free World: I have Good news and Bad news....There is a God, but He says we've ruined the world, and He will release a plague and exterminate all humans in a week. Putin release his message via cold war radio and tv technology to the Red Bloc countries: I have Bad News and Worst News...There is a God, but He will destroy us in a week for polluting the planet. Bill Gates goes on social media thru internet and types: I have Great News and Fantastic News...God thinks I'm one of three most influential people, and you don't have to upgrade Windows 10.
"He lists me last! Gee thanks! No respect at all I tell ya!"Well he's been dead longer.
(https://s1.qwant.com/thumbr/0x380/2/9/ec6538760b96815ce008d85f3db0e7142f773059c490c00166ff261d30f41d/RodneyDangerfield-_orig.jpeg?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jamesaltucher.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F02%2FRodneyDangerfield-_orig.jpeg&q=0&b=1&p=0&a=0)
Moooo.
If math is "mathematical"...
And a quiz is "quizzical"...
What are tests?
What a coincidence!Bet that went over like a Led balloon.......
I got a new House Plant....
Named it Robert.... seems to fit.
What a coincidence!
I got a new House Plant....
Named it Robert.... seems to fit.
What a coincidence!
I got a new House Plant....
Named it Robert.... seems to fit.
Should I get a Bird and name it Larry ?
If a book was titled Jimmy, would it be full of Jimmy Page's ?
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of??
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Hahaha!Is that what those signs mean?
I went into the bathroom and the sign said "employees must wash hands"
I got tired of waiting so washed my own.
Hahaha!Is that what those signs mean?
I went into the bathroom and the sign said "employees must wash hands"
I got tired of waiting so washed my own.
I always look at the sign and think to myself " I'm glad I don't work here " ;D
"Please tip the wait staff/bartenders" is the one that gets me in trouble.😄😅🤣😂
The tip I give is you need a better job.😱I hope you say that after they bring your food.
🤣😂🤣The tip I give is you need a better job.😱I hope you say that after they bring your food.
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Nice!!The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Hmm could this be considered the best joke of all time?
Nice!!The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Hmm could this be considered the best joke of all time?
It's timeless.The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Hmm could this be considered the best joke of all time?
Adultery is a sin...Wanna Bet? ::)
You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Jose went to his first American NASCAR race. Afterwards, back home, he was telling his family how friendly the NASCAR community was.Sank you bery much for making me snort beer out my nose!
"Before the race they all stood up and asked.... Jose, can you see?"
"Buddy, I don't know where we were or what we did last night, but we took first and second place!'
Here is my story, not for the faint of heart.
As a child I was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
Here is my story, not for the faint of heart.
As a child I was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
You don't say.Here is my story, not for the faint of heart.
As a child I was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
The hard untold truth ;D.
Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde: She proceeds to knock everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm.She also hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask. "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies. "Girlfriend? She's, my wife!"They're knocked over but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob says. "I lied about my age."His friends respond. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says. "No, I told her I was 90.
(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/329129164_2420823891409542_6917697550998379767_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p843x403&_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=spCp-WBfFD8AX8APT0B&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&oh=00_AfCW87j3wuMD1cw1RFC92X2K4-QKIbKbCEB8ceJgTbTYEw&oe=63EE4CA9)Will you be selling breast implants? You could have a BOGO deal... ;)
Diary EntriesI've got a mem showing this exact joke. It's on my puter which I rarely use any more.
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do. I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Motorcycle won't start... can't figure out why.
I got my paycheck today and the envelope was full of parsley.
Someone garnished my wages!
After leaving left work Friday afternoon Mike stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire paycheck.
When he finally came home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied “That would be fine with me"!
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended. Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
I had to read that more than once to get it.If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended. Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
Speaking of gender confusion... I called five floorists yesterday and not one of them knew anything about carpet or tile. Blooming with frustration over here!
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended. Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
I had to read that more than once to get it.If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended. Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
Speaking of gender confusion... I called five floorists yesterday and not one of them knew anything about carpet or tile. Blooming with frustration over here!
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended. Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?
-W
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended. Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?
-W
Don't turn this into a "Battered Women" debate.... I been eating them raw for decades. ;D
It's the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" thing..
Men have been beating each other for "fun" a long time.
When a woman, so called "weaker sex", gets the upper hand it is funny...
Right?
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended. Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?
-W
Don't turn this into a "Battered Women" debate.... I been eating them raw for decades. ;D
It's the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" thing..
Men have been beating each other for "fun" a long time.
When a woman, so called "weaker sex", gets the upper hand it is funny...
Right?
Gracious, that pun about battered women... I did not expect that and am now sitting here, quite impressed.
And your commentary on what makes the joke funny makes a lot of sense, too.
-W
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended. Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?
-W
Don't turn this into a "Battered Women" debate.... I been eating them raw for decades. ;D
It's the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" thing..
Men have been beating each other for "fun" a long time.
When a woman, so called "weaker sex", gets the upper hand it is funny...
Right?
Gracious, that pun about battered women... I did not expect that and am now sitting here, quite impressed.
And your commentary on what makes the joke funny makes a lot of sense, too.
-W
This show would never make it on television today. Yet, watch how Jackie Gleason always ended every show.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98qw86DsdZ0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98qw86DsdZ0)
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended. Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?
-W
Don't turn this into a "Battered Women" debate.... I been eating them raw for decades. ;D
It's the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" thing..
Men have been beating each other for "fun" a long time.
When a woman, so called "weaker sex", gets the upper hand it is funny...
Right?
Gracious, that pun about battered women... I did not expect that and am now sitting here, quite impressed.
And your commentary on what makes the joke funny makes a lot of sense, too.
-W
This is embarrassing... I got mugged by an octopus this morning. The embarrassing part is he didn't even have a gun; he was just well armed.And in court he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.🤪
Chicken:
https://isotropic.org/papers/chicken.pdf
This is embarrassing... I got mugged by an octopus this morning. The embarrassing part is he didn't even have a gun; he was just well armed.And in court he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.🤪
Not sure if this is against the rules. If so then please delete it but I got a good laugh out of it.
Perspectives have side effects, otherwise they'd have to
go by a different name ...
The next time you dislike your life, remember it's all about perspective. I know a guy who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries and has lovers who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison
2 or 3 books a week? Man, that's alot.
Not according to that joke... :o2 or 3 books a week? Man, that's alot.
Not much to do but work out a lot and read a lot.
Not according to that joke... :o2 or 3 books a week? Man, that's alot.
Not much to do but work out a lot and read a lot.
That reminds me, Jesus loves you takes on a whole new meaning in a Mexican prison.
I worked on a multi-floor library in a residential neighborhood. 3 houses away a woman would climb out onto her roof and sunbathe topless. I don't think she realized the new building was higher than her roof until she noticed a group of workers standing in one of the upper floor windows. That was the last time she was out.Oh, she knew, believe me.
I worked on a multi-floor library in a residential neighborhood. 3 houses away a woman would climb out onto her roof and sunbathe topless. I don't think she realized the new building was higher than her roof until she noticed a group of workers standing in one of the upper floor windows. That was the last time she was out.Oh, she knew, believe me.
https://www.huffpost.com/archive/au/entry/police-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81b54f (https://www.huffpost.com/archive/au/entry/police-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81b54f)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dNIJ10CWr8Q&embeds_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Farchive%2Fau%2Fentry%2Fpolice-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81&feature=emb_logo (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dNIJ10CWr8Q&embeds_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Farchive%2Fau%2Fentry%2Fpolice-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81&feature=emb_logo)
https://youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares (https://youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares)
This joke is a bit risky, so I am not showing the video title because it involves inflation:
https://youtu.be/BlPRnUSuS-o?t=1
This joke is a bit risky, so I am not showing the video title because it involves inflation:That one definitely 🤣😂.
https://youtu.be/BlPRnUSuS-o?t=1
;)
You're welcome.
;)
You're welcome.
I can't find the song I want to play that went through me head.
Ouch! That must of 🤕;)
You're welcome.
I can't find the song I want to play that went through me head.
;)
You're welcome.
I can't find the song I want to play that went through me head.
I was so confused last night. My printer was playing music!
Turns out it was my paper jamming.
Sometimes I just sit and stare at my wife when she isn't looking and I think to myself...Wow, I take it your wife isn't a member here? 🫣
"WOW, she is one lucky bi&ch". :o
Nope, and I checked, she wasn't staring back at me while I was typing... ;DSometimes I just sit and stare at my wife when she isn't looking and I think to myself...Wow, I take it your wife isn't a member here? 🫣
"WOW, she is one lucky bi&ch". :o
And that's how the fight started....
My wife said "I hate myself because I look fat... Can you give me a compliment?"
I said "Honey...You have perfect eyesight."
And that's how the fight started....
My wife said "I hate myself because I look fat... Can you give me a compliment?"
I said "Honey...You have perfect eyesight."
Does this count as a joke ?
https://youtube.com/shorts/GGBjL3l96_Q?feature=share
Is it just me? Or do you see the same thing when people do those stupid duck lip selfies?You're 1....... puppy!🫤
Is it just me? Or do you see the same thing when people do those stupid duck lip selfies?You're 1....... puppy!🫤
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.
One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
A Very Tough Day
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
A Very Tough DayLong walk for a short story.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"A Very Tough DayLong walk for a short story.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
😂🤣😂"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"A Very Tough DayLong walk for a short story.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
I called an electrician for help with an electrical problem - he refused.
Works for me…
(https://i.imgur.com/VDNWBQN.jpg)
As a teen I used to do that to oncoming traffic faking like I was turning the wheel fast as if suddenly pulling in front of them slipping my hands over the wheel not actually turning it. Lucky I didn't get shot.Yeah, these days you don't want to even casually glance over at the car next to you. People have flat gone crazy.
We used to go bowling with another couple.I fake did that to Betty Lou once... her response was priceless... she stomped her foot on the floor like she was slamming on the brakes... :o
One evening on the way to the lanes, we were riding in their car.
She was giving him grief about hos driving,
He yanked the steering wheel off, gave it to her and said "If you like the way I'm driving, HERE...YOU do it!"
She clammed right up...........
Apparently he had been doing some steering column work, so the wheel wasn't on tight........
Funny stuff.........
Me thinks that messing with the Chef of the house might lead to lots and lots of pb&j sammiches and nothing else.... bottom line, don't mess with the cook ;DWe used to go bowling with another couple.I fake did that to Betty Lou once... her response was priceless... she stomped her foot on the floor like she was slamming on the brakes... :o
One evening on the way to the lanes, we were riding in their car.
She was giving him grief about hos driving,
He yanked the steering wheel off, gave it to her and said "If you like the way I'm driving, HERE...YOU do it!"
She clammed right up...........
Apparently he had been doing some steering column work, so the wheel wasn't on tight........
Funny stuff.........
Yeah, she hates blonde jokes too..
Yeah, I don't mess with her too often... but she's gives it right back when I do.Me thinks that messing with the Chef of the house might lead to lots and lots of pb&j sammiches and nothing else.... bottom line, don't mess with the cook ;DWe used to go bowling with another couple.I fake did that to Betty Lou once... her response was priceless... she stomped her foot on the floor like she was slamming on the brakes... :o
One evening on the way to the lanes, we were riding in their car.
She was giving him grief about hos driving,
He yanked the steering wheel off, gave it to her and said "If you like the way I'm driving, HERE...YOU do it!"
She clammed right up...........
Apparently he had been doing some steering column work, so the wheel wasn't on tight........
Funny stuff.........
Yeah, she hates blonde jokes too..
I called an electrician for help with an electrical problem - he refused.
(https://i.giphy.com/media/cQtlhD48EG0SY/giphy.webp)
The Far Side...
So...
Are the E's in Bee Silent E's?
:P
I was told my sense of humor is a problem and should seek help.It took me a second to get that one.
I'm sorry, BUT!
I'm not going any where NEAR a person the uses The Rapist as a professional title!
I was told my sense of humor is a problem and should seek help.
I'm sorry, BUT!
I'm not going any where NEAR a person the uses The Rapist as a professional title!
I accidentally took my cat's meds last night.
Don't ask meow.
I accidentally took my cat's meds last night.
Don't ask meow.
Bwahaahaahahahahaahahaa!
Now that joke's the cat's meow, if ever I heard it!
I accidentally took my cat's meds last night.
Don't ask meow.
Bwahaahaahahahahaahahaa!
Now that joke's the cat's meow, if ever I heard it!
Why aren't Hemorrhoids called Asteroids?
and why aren't Gastroenterologist called Astronauts?
??? ??? ??? :o ;D
Where's your darn Ferrari
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it
Yeah, I could see you doing something like that after consuming a bunch of creek water. 😂🤣😂🤣Pretty sure my old heart wouldn't stand up to that.. matter of fact, I have a DNR because I fear a refib would kill me.. :o
HA HA HA!Wo a whole hour of not being able to speak for a treat !
*true story*
I had a similar experience with the Dawg's "Bark Collar"...
It has three level settings...Low, Med, High.
Uses a one of those wafer batteries like a scope does.
I love my Dawg and don't want to hurt her so I wanted to see just how strong it was... set it to "high" and held it to my throat and "Barked"
I couldn't speak for an hour.
Wo a whole hour of not being able to speak for a treat !
I would have held it to my Judy's throat.You must have a very comfortable couch in the dog house ;D
Yeah, right!!!
Depends on what the treat is??😜😁HA HA HA!Wo a whole hour of not being able to speak for a treat !
*true story*
I had a similar experience with the Dawg's "Bark Collar"...
It has three level settings...Low, Med, High.
Uses a one of those wafer batteries like a scope does.
I love my Dawg and don't want to hurt her so I wanted to see just how strong it was... set it to "high" and held it to my throat and "Barked"
I couldn't speak for an hour.
Depends on what the treat is??😜😁HA HA HA!Wo a whole hour of not being able to speak for a treat !
*true story*
I had a similar experience with the Dawg's "Bark Collar"...
It has three level settings...Low, Med, High.
Uses a one of those wafer batteries like a scope does.
I love my Dawg and don't want to hurt her so I wanted to see just how strong it was... set it to "high" and held it to my throat and "Barked"
I couldn't speak for an hour.
Mark and Brian tried out a bark collar on themselves. Was 1 of the funniest things I ever listened to.
Brewbear, if I even thought about doing something so dastardly, the dog would get to sleep in the bed while I slept in the yard - and not on a couch!I would have held it to my Judy's throat.You must have a very comfortable couch in the dog house ;D
Yeah, right!!!
Too true, sir, too true.Brewbear, if I even thought about doing something so dastardly, the dog would get to sleep in the bed while I slept in the yard - and not on a couch!I would have held it to my Judy's throat.You must have a very comfortable couch in the dog house ;D
Yeah, right!!!
So, it just occurred to me why Canada does not allow LDCs on airguns.
Why? It is in the name: can-nada ;D
Bob was talking to a guy in the park about not being able to tell boys from girls anymore. He said for instance what is that person over there. The guy said that's my daughter. Bob said I didn't know you are her father. The guy said I'm not her father, I'm her mother.Dang, I about spit my Bud Lite everywhere... :o
::) ::) ::)
Bob was talking to a guy in the park about not being able to tell boys from girls anymore. He said for instance what is that person over there. The guy said that's my daughter. Bob said I didn't know you are her father. The guy said I'm not her father, I'm her mother.
::) ::) ::)
Bob was talking to a guy in the park about not being able to tell boys from girls anymore. He said for instance what is that person over there. The guy said that's my daughter. Bob said I didn't know you are her father. The guy said I'm not her father, I'm her mother.How do we know Bob's first instinct wasn't right ?
::) ::) ::)
How do we know "Bob" is a he? I have a cousin Roberta we have always called Bobbie.
Squirrel stages a crime scene:
https://i.imgur.com/WBXiLTL.mp4
True story, I was behind a F150 the other day at a stop light, saw a sticker in the rear window that said "Divorced and happy"
then I saw the personalized license plate
MRS COX
There is still Coffee on the dash.
Grandpa: Let's go upstairs and make love?
Granny: Better chose one can't do both.
::)
Betty Lou: Those male enhancement drugs are really working for you.That was FUNNY 🤣😂🤣!!
Me: You think?
Betty Lou: Yes, you are definitely a bigger dick today than you were yesterday.
:-\
Betty Lou: Those male enhancement drugs are really working for you.
Me: You think?
Betty Lou: Yes, you are definitely a bigger dick today than you were yesterday.
:-\
Grandpa: Let's go upstairs and make love?
Granny: Better chose one can't do both.
::)
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops…
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this terrible story?”
“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking
Will I Live to 80?Words to live by.. ;)
(Here's something to think about.)
I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past seventy).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a s#$t!
I was going to comment that I was worried that, at my age, I may not even live long enough to read all 60 of these jokes. Then I realized that I was better off than the person that didn't live long enough to write all 60... :o
1. What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
2. What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
3. I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.
4. What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.
5. These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights.
6. Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.
7. Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!
8. One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them!
9. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.
10. Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.
11. Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.
12. How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.
13. Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …
14. I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!
15. What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.
16. I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.
Psst! Even if you’re not a spring chicken, these spring jokes will get you giggling.
Jokes for seniors about marriage and family
Jokes About Aging
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
If cheesy pickup lines are right up your alley, you’re going to fall head over heels in love with these old-people jokes about marriage and family.
17. Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is your husband.
18. I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. I just didn’t know her first name was going to be “Always.”
19. An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?”
20. My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife.
21. My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddess—by placing burnt offerings before me.
22. Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”
23. Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.”
24. Why should you marry someone older than you?
As your looks fade, so will their eyesight.
25. After a big fight, my wife yelled at me, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” So I replied, “That may be true, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
26. Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.
27. Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.
28. Husbands are like lawn mowers: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.
29. Love is like one long, sweet dream. Marriage is the alarm clock.
30. Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife.
Jokes for seniors about retirement
Jokes About Aging
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
No retirement party would be complete without a few old-people jokes. So if you like dad jokes, these clever jokes for seniors will have you laughing in no time.
31. What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays?
Retired.
32. You know it’s time to retire when your co-workers are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro.
33. The truth is, retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
34. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.
35. When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement?
Before the boss does.
36. My company recently gave me an aptitude test, and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement.
37. What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.
38. Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments.
39. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
40. Sometimes the best part of your career is retirement.
41. Why was the retiree’s wife tired?
She got twice as much husband for half the pay.
42. What’s worse than middle age?
Knowing you’ll grow out of it.
43. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.
44. Retirement is like one big sick day without sick pay.
Funny one-liners about aging
Jokes About Aging
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
Sometimes, less is more. And that’s especially true when it comes to corny jokes and funny one-liners about getting older, like these short old-people jokes.
45. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.
46. If I ever decide to buy a horse ranch in my old age, I’m going to name it “Pasture Prime.”
47. You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.
48. You’re not getting old; you’re becoming a classic.
49. Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative.
50. The older we get, the earlier it gets late.
51. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.
52. Old people are just young people who have been alive for a very, very long time.
53. With age comes wisdom … and hair in really weird places.
You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.
QuoteYou know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.
Best one!
Wife has started calling me "Fossil".
Here's the actual gag website , it's good for a few laughs.That site was actually put up by the FBI, and they have left it up as it has been getting "hits" one person even wanted to work for them. More arrest have been made from this site than originally intended.
https://rentahitman.com/
If you watch the video from my previous post you'll learn it was actually not put up by the FBI.Here's the actual gag website , it's good for a few laughs.That site was actually put up by the FBI, and they have left it up as it has been getting "hits" one person even wanted to work for them. More arrest have been made from this site than originally intended.
https://rentahitman.com/
Did you hear about the man who had 5 peckers?That must be where all of anti squirrels right hand gloves must be teleporting off to.😉😂
Yes 5!
His pants fit like a glove.
Judge to his dentist:
"Do you swear to pull the tooth and nothing but the tooth?"
???
Judge to his dentist:
"Do you swear to pull the tooth and nothing but the tooth?"
???
"So help me gums!"
One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits his job, gives up his apartment and rents out a Cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door..... cue the banjo music.
He opens the door to see this huge lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually the big man speaks:
“I’m yer neighbour from the cabin about a mile down the road. Anyhow, I’m having a party on Saturday and I wondered if you’d like to come.”
The guy pauses for a second and then replies: “You know what, that would be great. It is about time I got out and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.”
“Right,” says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. “I’ll see you about eight o’clock on Saturday then.” And then he turns to leave.
But he pauses for a second and then turns back: “I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.”
“Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit myself back in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with a bit of hard liquor.”
“Right then,” says the big man. “Well, eight o’clock then.”
But as he turns to go he pauses again and turns back: “Yeah, I should also mention: most likely there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.”
“Uh, well, OK,” the guy replies. “I mean, I get on pretty well with most people so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.”
“Right then,” says the big man. “See you at eight o’clock then.”
But once again he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard: “So I probably also need to tell you: there might be some pretty wild sex.”
The guy perks up a bit at that. “Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that’s what happens.”
“OK then,” says the man. “Well, see you Saturday.” And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.
“Oh wait, just one question,” says the guy. “What should I wear?”
The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again. “I don’t suppose it really matters much. It’s just gonna be you and me.”
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him… the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green and orange.That one really got me laughing!!!
My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response — I knew he would have a good one.
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and f**ked a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter.”
Thanks for the morning laughs Rick!
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him… the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green and orange.That one really got me laughing!!!
My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response — I knew he would have a good one.
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and f**ked a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter.”
An Englishman, taking a road trip through the US, notices he’s low on fuel, pulls into the first gas station he sees. The attendant walks out and approaches the car.
“How can I help you, sir?”
And in a posh voice, the man says, “I’m low on petrol; please top off the tank.”
With an odd look, the guy begins to fill ’er up.
The Englishman then says, “Also, while I’m here could you open the bonnet and check the oil?”
Now looking slightly peeved but still saying nothing, the serviceman does as requested.
“Oh, yes,” says the Brit, “It appears my windscreen needs a good cleaning. Would you mind terribly-”
Unable to hold his tongue any more the attendant angrily snaps, “Alright, that’s enough! It’s not Petrol, it’s gasoline! It’s not a bonnet, it’s a hood! And it’s not a windscreen, it’s a windshield! We invented cars, so you call them by their American names!”
And with that wonderful, charming, stiff-upper-lip UK wit, the Englishman calmly replies, “Well yes, my friend, you may have invented the automobile, but we invented the language!”
Regular naps will prevent old age... especially if taken while driving.😁😂😂😂
Regular naps will prevent old age... especially if taken while driving.😁😂😂😂
Only cure for getting old is dieing young and I'm to dang old to die young.Yeah, that pellet has left the barrel. :-\
Only cure for getting old is dieing young and I'm to dang old to die young.Yeah, that pellet has left the barrel. :-\
It was a h3ll of a ride. I wouldn't mind doing some of it again and other things, not so much. Not over the hill, just on the down side of the roller coaster.And picking up speed!😁
I think you missed the joke of the visitors center in the meme. :oMaybe, what is it ?
Obviously, the visitor center wasn’t there when the meteor hit. It was a joke. Satire
Obviously, the visitor center wasn’t there when the meteor hit. It was a joke. SatireYes that was my exact takeaway.
$25 entrance fee
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –Typical day in my life!!!
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!
You know how one joke reminds you of another?...or a very large moth's undivided attention?
The quoted bit reminds me of the Q&A below it:QuoteQ11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands!
If you held a mothball in one hand; and a mothball in the other hand; what would you have?
A very large moth.
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay? Don't ever do that!Don't ask, don't tell. :o
They arrested me
I see down at the bottom of your posts it says "I'm to old to die young". My mother always said God looks out for children and fools....I think you used most of your allotment that day.You know it's a joke right? I never did anything like that unlike some people.🤣😂🤣😜
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, arshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Arshole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, arshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your arse,'
I answered, 'Well, arshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,
and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two arsholes beating the &^^& out of each other in front of six cop cars,
an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works.
Top Comments at the Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators at the Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
You know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!
You know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!
Feel sorry for you Ron... (typically) both find it fun. Otherwise it would be called "solitare".. ::) :o ;DYou know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!
That (typically) only works for 1 parent...........
Feel sorry for you Ron... (typically) both find it fun. Otherwise it would be called "solitare".. ::) :o ;DYou know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!
That (typically) only works for 1 parent...........
Is that sort of like "sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the window"🤔.🤣🤣Feel sorry for you Ron... (typically) both find it fun. Otherwise it would be called "solitare".. ::) :o ;DYou know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!
That (typically) only works for 1 parent...........
Yeahbut.........only 1 plays IN the box..........the other IS the box........
Not really because I don't plan on ever being the box... :oIs that sort of like "sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the window"🤔.🤣🤣Feel sorry for you Ron... (typically) both find it fun. Otherwise it would be called "solitare".. ::) :o ;DYou know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!
That (typically) only works for 1 parent...........
Yeahbut.........only 1 plays IN the box..........the other IS the box........
Stay outta prison 🤣😂🤣😂That's one of the goals.
😂😂😂Stay outta prison 🤣😂🤣😂That's one of the goals.
Although I lost my hair years ago, my comb of many years still sits on the dressing table. I just can't part with it.Hair loss? Hummm!
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.No shortage of materials there.
I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
:D LOL ours are redStill Christmas color
Yes but better in your car than the green ones:D LOL ours are redStill Christmas color
Unless it's a diesel.Yes but better in your car than the green ones:D LOL ours are redStill Christmas color
Bob
So, I think it's so nice that the gas stations have changed the gas pump handles to green for Christmas.🤔🤔🤔Reminds me of the video on AFV from a couple months back, the girl prank calls her father to tell him she put the special green Christmas gas into her car and now it won't start.
When I was a kid we stole 5 gallons of gas that turned out to be diesel and we put it in a 48 Packard that one of the other guys had. At first it would start ok then a little later we had to push it to get it started ran very slow then poof. So much for his 48 Packard.
Bob
No joke, it's real but it's so funny it belongs here.Yes they claimed with their Kohls cash the sentences would not be a felony as they were over the $2000 limit for misdemeaner charges LOL
I just read story on two idjit thieves who are asking for a lighter sentence because the items they stole were on sale.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?Thanks... I was pondering several different things a janitor might say when he comes out of the closet. :o
“Supplies!”
Don't they know that nothing at Kohls is ever actually on sale ?No joke, it's real but it's so funny it belongs here.Yes they claimed with their Kohls cash the sentences would not be a felony as they were over the $2000 limit for misdemeaner charges LOL
I just read story on two idjit thieves who are asking for a lighter sentence because the items they stole were on sale.
Makes no difference to me... a thief is a thief is a thief. They deserve whatever they get and probably even more.
Makes no difference to me... a thief is a thief is a thief. They deserve whatever they get and probably even more.I don't care about such people either.
Arguments can be entertaining. In this case, dogs behaving like people on internet forums:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goRogFQWkZU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-oCHWsNZwI
SHMBO asked me to fix her watch.The watch wasn't the real problem... the excitement began when you handed her the ox yoke to wear it with. 8)
I told her there's a perfectly good clock on the oven.
Doc says I should be able to go home in a week.
I was going to post a "time traveling" joke... but you didn't like it.
I used to be addicted to time travel.
But that’s all in the past now.
I was going to post a "time traveling" joke... but you didn't like it.
I was going to post a "time traveling" joke... but you didn't like it.
[laughing]
That's a heady one.
I was going to post a "time traveling" joke... but you didn't like it.
[laughing]
That's a heady one.
WE GOT A THINKER HERE FOLKS!
;)
A burglar broke in my house last night but I knew exactly what to do.Now that's a good in!!!
I grabbed my laser pointer and aimed it at his forehead.
My 3 cats took care of the rest.
The Doctors say he should survive.
The one my mother used that got me was "Just look at your face""You need to watch your mouth, boy" mmmmk. ???
Dad would tell me: You are going to meet yourself coming back.
(I drove like an idiot when I was a teenager.) :-[
You keep doing that hair is going to grow on your palm. ::)Or you'll go blind.😁
Dad would tell me: You are going to meet yourself coming back.At least you don't do that now. Get me on a motorcycle at 71 and I still drive like an idiot, street or dirt.
(I drove like an idiot when I was a teenager.) :-[
That's part of the reason I sold mine. The other idiots out there was the other part.Dad would tell me: You are going to meet yourself coming back.At least you don't do that now. Get me on a motorcycle at 71 and I still drive like an idiot, street or dirt.
(I drove like an idiot when I was a teenager.) :-[
That's part of the reason I sold mine. The other idiots out there was the other part.Dad would tell me: You are going to meet yourself coming back.At least you don't do that now. Get me on a motorcycle at 71 and I still drive like an idiot, street or dirt.
(I drove like an idiot when I was a teenager.) :-[
The word “gym” comes from Greek and translates to “place of the naked.”
Despite pointing this out, I had my membership revoked.
I'd be dead
Or at least an evil grin.I'd be dead
But with a smile on your face ;D
You should be in Daytona for Bike Week. Talk about amateur/idiot week. ::)One of my favorite stories about Sturgis is that I found out what footwear to wear with a thong when I came flying in off the interstate behind a lady on a bike wearing a thong and flip-flops. And the only thing I could think was “well, now I know.”
My son got a part in the school play this year… He will play a man married for 25 years… I congratulated him and told him next year he might get a speaking part.Congrats... my son made inmate of the month. :o
When a Cougar is so old she needs a hearing aid...
Does she become a Def Leopard?
A beautiful owner of a business called an impropmtu meeting of all the employees.
She told them that as a result of last quarter"s profits that everyone would get LAID.
Everyone started to celeberate. She finally got everyone settled down and said
OFF.
A beautiful owner of a business called an impropmtu meeting of all the employees.
She told them that as a result of last quarter"s profits that everyone would get LAID.
Everyone started to celeberate. She finally got everyone settled down and said
OFF.
;D ;)
A Manager facing unmaintainable "Indirect Labor" costs has to reduce his office staff.
He narrowed his decision down to cut either Jack or Linda. but could not make up his mind as to which.
So he decided Monday to wait at the time-clock and see who came in last between the two.
Sure enough, at 10:00 Linda came in, an hour late, all frazzled, hair a mess, and looking like something the cat drug in.
The Manager says, "Linda, I have to lay you or Jack off"
Linda say's "Boss, I've had a hellofa weekend, so just.... :-X "
So my uncle who is paralyzed waist down had spent a lot of time at home. In the morning he would sit on his front porch drinking a beer, if you thought coffee man you were wrong. So one morning this guy walks on by dragging a chain my uncle don't think much of it. Then the next day same thing my uncle though that was strange. Then the 3rd 4th and 5th day go buy same thing. So on the 6th day of my uncle having a beer on the porch in the morning sees the same guy dragging a chain down the street. Now if you know my uncle you know... He shouts to the guy hey idiot why do you keep draggin that chain down the road. The guy yelled back you dumb @@@ you ever try to push one.Nope, never tried.. is it hard to do? ;D
"What the difference between a recent corps and a slice of pizza?
A slice of pizza won't feed a family of 6."
That was told to me today by a "5 star" culinary chef... so let THAT roll around in your noggin next time you go to a high class restaurant!
?"What the difference between a recent corps and a slice of pizza?
A slice of pizza won't feed a family of 6."
That was told to me today by a "5 star" culinary chef... so let THAT roll around in your noggin next time you go to a high class restaurant!
Not sure what recent corps?
Marine? Drum? Peace?
Roadkill. :oNow that is cold.
It will feed a family of 6 because 5 of them won't eat. ;D
At least it would have already been tenderized.......
I found walking on the beech the sand was like sand paper. :)
Ron
I found walking on the beech the sand was like sand paper. :)There you go dreaming again. ::) ::)
Ron
I found walking on the beech the sand was like sand paper. :)There you go dreaming again. ::) ::)
Ron
Bob
True story from Louisiana:Um, it isn't just a Louisiana thing. I unfortunately hit a nice big fox squirrel on the way home from an errand a couple of weeks ago. I knew that I just caught his head so I backed the car up on the quiet country road, picked him up, took him home, cleaned him, and the family ate him a couple of days later. I only had to throw away one of his front legs because it was smashed. Why waste perfectly good squirrel if you know who/how he was hit, and you can get his meat in the fridge within half an hour?
I drove up to the local grocery store. The little GIRL clerk drove up just before me. After she stopped, she got out and started rooting around in the back of her pickup truck. When I glanced at what she was doing, I saw she had a dead squirrel in the back of the truck. I asked what she was doing? She said she had picked up the squirrel after it had been killed in the road by the car ahead of her truck. She said she was going to call her brother to come get it and clean it before it spoiled.
Dog specialized in catching hogs for saleCanine "Deliverance" "squeal like a pig".
twitter.com/RenanKuhn3/status/1770775628872077468
Dog specialized in catching hogs for saleCanine "Deliverance" "squeal like a pig".
twitter.com/RenanKuhn3/status/1770775628872077468
A bunch of ants moved to the next town over. Now they are antsillary.
4/4 is easy with sixteenth or eighth notes.. 3/4 time is rougher.
Yes.. I learned to "sight read" some 40+ years ago.
Key of b flat... The tune is in my head but can't name it.
"Never wanna bring you down"? Or something like that.
;)
Ron Im warning you that put you on thin ice. LoL.
Ron... Did you cheat or are you a musician who can read sheet music?
Ummm hmmm. The rules were clearly stated. :-\ ::)Ron... Did you cheat or are you a musician who can read sheet music?
I cheated. I searched the only words to the song I could remember, "never going to let you down, never going to desert you" and Ytube did the rest.
Ron
Ummm hmmm. The rules were clearly stated. :-\ ::)Ron... Did you cheat or are you a musician who can read sheet music?
I cheated. I searched the only words to the song I could remember, "never going to let you down, never going to desert you" and Ytube did the rest.
Ron
Too bad, I had high hopes.
Here is an easy one.
Ummm hmmm. The rules were clearly stated. :-\ ::)Ron... Did you cheat or are you a musician who can read sheet music?
I cheated. I searched the only words to the song I could remember, "never going to let you down, never going to desert you" and Ytube did the rest.
Ron
Too bad, I had high hopes.
Here is an easy one.
Oh you DOG!!Ummm hmmm. The rules were clearly stated. :-\ ::)Ron... Did you cheat or are you a musician who can read sheet music?
I cheated. I searched the only words to the song I could remember, "never going to let you down, never going to desert you" and Ytube did the rest.
Ron
Too bad, I had high hopes.
Here is an easy one.
Can you upload a clearer and higher resolution version of this image of musical notation, por favor?
-W
Nevermind. Apologies if I ruined the riddle for everyone.
https://youtu.be/agReBlWulPQ
Oh you DOG!!Ummm hmmm. The rules were clearly stated. :-\ ::)Ron... Did you cheat or are you a musician who can read sheet music?
I cheated. I searched the only words to the song I could remember, "never going to let you down, never going to desert you" and Ytube did the rest.
Ron
Too bad, I had high hopes.
Here is an easy one.
Can you upload a clearer and higher resolution version of this image of musical notation, por favor?
-W
Nevermind. Apologies if I ruined the riddle for everyone.
https://youtu.be/agReBlWulPQ
You nailed it!!
Are you doing banjo tabs?
That is a whole 'nother level I am trying to learn!!
Darn Whirly that a png.. sould be much better that a normal jpg.
How is this?
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=105224.0;attach=455339;image)
Ummm hmmm. The rules were clearly stated. :-\ ::)Ron... Did you cheat or are you a musician who can read sheet music?
I cheated. I searched the only words to the song I could remember, "never going to let you down, never going to desert you" and Ytube did the rest.
Ron
Guess the final "joke" of this thread sure fooled me LOL!!!
The other night my girlfriend asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start, but I made it. :)
Ron
The other night my girlfriend asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start, but I made it. :)
Ron
Clearing the table for some "nasty", hmmm, sounds nice and nasty ;)
The other night my girlfriend asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start, but I made it. :)
Ron
Clearing the table for some "nasty", hmmm, sounds nice and nasty ;)
It's better leaving everything on the table. Especially the strawberry jelly, and bananas ::) ::)
(https://i.imgur.com/xCaxhHVm.jpg)Just wondering if this sounds like the Back Room here on the forum to anyone else or is it just me?
I'm just curious… who was the first person to look at a split open oyster and think "what a nice piece of snot! I'll bet that tastes delicious!"?
Not sure but I'd bet there was a Mom yelling............
"Put that down! Oh My God!!! Did you just eat that?"
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball ??
Gagged
What does a robot do after a one night stand ?
Nuts and bolts.
Wife was getting hit on by an old boyfriend when he asked......LOL good one.
What cologne are you using?
She answered....
It's called Leave Me the Fa-Cologne.
Wife was getting hit on by an old boyfriend when he asked......LOL good one.
What cologne are you using?
She answered....
It's called Leave Me the Fa-Cologne.
Betty Lou once answered... Gun Powder. GSR ;)
Cologne? She was a little masculine huh?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CxX8nvLalE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CxX8nvLalE)