GTA

All Springer/NP/PCP Air Gun Discussion General => Back Room => Topic started by: Tater on February 26, 2016, 05:32:29 PM

Title: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 26, 2016, 05:32:29 PM
Why did ancient Egyptians shave their heads?
 
 To be more pharaohdynamic.




What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with pieces of cardboard?
 
 A pillow fight.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 26, 2016, 05:33:59 PM
What''s the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi Dooooooooo!








Well my 10 year old niece liked it...    :-[
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 27, 2016, 02:41:32 PM
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Motorhead on February 27, 2016, 03:15:12 PM
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken

Classic ... That one's a winner !
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 28, 2016, 02:38:13 PM
Doc,' I said 'I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?' I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.

When My Daughters boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said:
''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 28, 2016, 07:18:16 PM
LOL, I was hoping this thread would bring you out Jeff.   ;D

You usually have some good ones.
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 29, 2016, 07:21:37 PM
A farmer from Skipton sadly lost his wife. He contacted the Yorkshire Post to arrange an obituary. The couple had been happily married for 50 years before she passed away.

The farmer went to the newspaper office to make the arrangements. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “ Ow Much? ”
“Ah want summat simple” he explained, “My Gladys were a gud ‘arted an’ ‘ard-workin’ Yorkshire lass but she wunt av wanted owt swanky.”

“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.

“Nay”, he said, “she wunt av wanted owt la-di-da. Just put, ‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.

“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.

“Do I? Well, put died 17th March. That'll do”.

“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.

The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.

“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.

“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' av wanted me to splash out”.

“The words are included in the standard price”, the woman informed him.

“Ah they? Tha means av paid for 'em?”.

“Yes, indeed sir”.

“Well, if av paid for 'em , am 'avin ‘em”

The obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.




A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Airgun.Sniper on February 29, 2016, 07:32:20 PM
 Guys the jokes...the jokes man

 Jay
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 29, 2016, 09:57:45 PM

The obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.

The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''



Nice!!   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: pneuby on February 29, 2016, 10:55:34 PM
Don't jump to conclusions, or worse....report my post to a moderator, LOL.
Just restrain yourself and read through it! 8)




There once was a man from Nantucket

Who gathered clams from the shore in a bucket.

He said with a grin, spotting a sea-urchin.....

'T'were it a mollusk, I could

SHUCK IT !

 :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 29, 2016, 11:07:42 PM
Police are seeking a man who has so far stabbed six people to death with knitting needles all in the same area.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern..


A Guy knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"
I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she's out shopping."

On IKEA's 25th birthday I took them some eggs, flour, icing, sugar, butter, and a whisk, and told them there's your bloody cake!


My Mother used to say, "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 29, 2016, 11:29:44 PM


          Jack Daniels Fishing Story

Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.  Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.  Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back and he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  There was that same darn snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Dan221 on March 01, 2016, 12:06:02 AM
The husband was in the kitchen killing flies when his wife walks in. She asked did you get any? He answers yes 3 males and 2 females . She says how can you tell the difference . Well he says the 3 males were on the beer can and the 2  females were on the phone.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 01, 2016, 12:09:52 AM
The husband was in the kitchen killing flies when his wife walks in. She asked did you get any? He answers yes 3 males and 2 females . She says how can you tell the difference . Well he says the 3 males were on the beer can and the 2  females were on the phone.

Ok, I LOL'ed.   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on March 01, 2016, 12:20:38 AM
The husband was in the kitchen killing flies when his wife walks in. She asked did you get any? He answers yes 3 males and 2 females . She says how can you tell the difference . Well he says the 3 males were on the beer can and the 2  females were on the phone.

Ok, I LOL'ed.   ;D

You're lucky..... I durn near peed myself.... :o ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BushWacker on March 01, 2016, 01:28:20 AM
There were these two Californian's that got lost hunting in Texas so the 1 Californian shoots 3 shots in the air and waits but nobody comes, so he fired 3 more shots in the air and still nobody came and he kept doing that until he ran out of arrows.

Later that day they saw a naked woman sitting in the field and the 1 Californian says to the woman "are you game?"  she replies "sure I'm game" so he shot her.

Then the 1 Californian stops and says "look rabbit tracks!" the other one says "you idiot those are deer tracks" then they got hit by a train.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 01, 2016, 02:17:39 PM
I called my phone company today.  I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller!''
He said ''Not you again!"

Math Question.
Dave buys a 3 litre box of wine for 13.99 on Tuesday afternoon.
He drinks 3 litres on Tuesday night.
How long before his wife speaks to him?

I fell asleep at the wheel today.
Man! What a mess.
There was clay everywhere!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 01, 2016, 04:20:15 PM
Then there was the blond whose car was in a severe hailstorm. That car looked like a golf ball, all covered with dimples. The blond took it to a body shop for an estimate. The body shop owner looked at all the damage and realized the blond couldn't afford to repair the car so to get rid of her he told here to take it home and blow hard in the tailpipe and all the dents would pop out.

Dubious but game the blond took the car home and began puffing into the tail pipe but nothing was happening. A lady from next door, also a blond, was watching this action from her window. She came out and asked what was the idea of blowing into the tail pipe. The blond stopped puffing and told her what the guys at the body shop told her. The neighbor thought about it for a minute and then said, "Doh, you gotta roll up the windows first".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Avra on March 01, 2016, 05:04:19 PM
This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly.The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Scotch.

Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listed in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story, hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk!

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, “Hey, there’s the arsehole who jumped into the car while we were pushin it!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 08, 2016, 02:43:09 PM
Heard this one last night on Swamp People..
Old Boudreau was down on his luck. Hadn't caught a gator in weeks. He desperately need a job. He went by the mill and told the owner of his troubles and asked for a job. The owner asked him what he knew about mills. Boudreau said "I'm not sure, ask me a question" The owner asked "Ok, what is the front of the tree and what is the back of the tree" Boudreau replied "I'm not sure I understand" The mill owner pointed at a tree and asked, "That tree right there, go look at it and tell which is the front and which is the back" Old Boudreau walked over to the tree, carefully looking it over he walked around the tree then walked back over to the mill owner and said, "This side is the front of the tree and that side is the back" The mill owner asked, "Now how do you know that?" Knowingly, Boudreau said, "Because someone took a dump back there and everyone know you go behind a tree to do that" Old Boudreau started his new job the following Monday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BushWacker on March 08, 2016, 10:17:17 PM
There's a Papa Mole, a Mama Mole and a Baby Mole at home in their dugout during winter.  Papa Mole sticks his head out the hole and says "I think I smell the smell of Spring".  Mama Mole stands up, does the same thing and says "yes, I think it's the smell of Spring".  Baby Mole standing on his tippy toes sniffs and sniffs and says "all I smell is Moleasses".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: only1harry on March 10, 2016, 07:35:59 PM
A young man graduated College and got his first real job working as a bookkeeper for a tax accountant.  He had a long talk with his GF on the phone that night and they decided to get engaged.  Knowing that her father is old fashioned he drives to her house the next day during his lunch break to ask him for permission.

Her father answers the door and the young man asks him for his daughter's hand in marriage.  The father asks how much his new job pays.  He says he is starting at the bottom and is making only $34K/year, but he will get promoted to a tax accountant in a couple of years and start his own tax accounting business a few years after that. 
The GF's father looks at him and says: 
"Son, you can't afford to provide for my daughter with this salary, and what if she wants to have children or get a house?  Heck I spend almost that much in toilet paper.  Ask me again when you are making at least twice as much."

The young man is walking back to his car when his GF calls him from work.  "So, what did my father say?".
Young man:  "That you s****t a lot".

Harry
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 10, 2016, 08:41:32 PM

The young man is walking back to his car when his GF calls him from work.  "So, what did my father say?".
Young man:  "That you s****t a lot".

Harry

                 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bwalton on March 10, 2016, 09:58:29 PM
Ok oK I got one, its my favorite with golf buddies...
Why was Tiger Woods wife so upset?...Because she thought that she was marring a Tiger........But instead she married a cheetah
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 10, 2016, 10:46:05 PM
I entered a local paper's pun contest.
I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Then there's the three-legged dog that walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces:
''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 11, 2016, 08:49:45 AM
My turn. 
A story about a guy named Henny and a genie:  Henny wanted to kill ducks.  The genie said he had to quit shaving.  So he quit shaving and immediately starting killing every duck he shot at without missing any.  But later, as his beard became longer and longer, he lost his hunting partner, lost his job, his wife took the children and left him.  He decided it wasn't fun any more and shaved.  As soon as the beard was gone, he dropped dead, his body was cremated, and his ashes dumped in an urn.  Moral of the story:  A Henny shaved is a Henny Urned.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 11, 2016, 06:20:14 PM
When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one.

In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd.
He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal.
But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!”
Too late.
The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers,
“Shut up you Idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 11, 2016, 06:58:00 PM
I'll probably get in trouble for this one, but here goes:

What's the difference between meat & fish?



If you beat your fish, it'll die!   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Avra on March 12, 2016, 01:10:21 AM
I'll probably get in trouble for this one, but here goes:

What's the difference between meat & fish?



If you beat your fish, it'll die!   :o
Don't know if you get in trouble or not...that was a good one...
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 12, 2016, 08:47:53 AM
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.
The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out.
Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"
"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."
"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.
"That's true; but you have all the equipment."

THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 12, 2016, 08:48:37 AM
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.
If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 12, 2016, 08:51:22 AM

An old lady gets caught shoplifting. On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replys, "A can of peaches." So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, "How many peaches where in the can?" The lady says "6" so the judge says ok then I sentence you 1 day per peach in jail that will be total of 6 days to be served. The judge says would anyone else like to add or say anything reguarding the case and her husband speaks up, your honor, "She stole a can of peas too".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 12, 2016, 08:56:52 AM
 The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: fortyshooter on March 14, 2016, 02:35:34 PM
Why do we park in a driveway but drive on a parkway???? ;D ;D ;D

Why do we pay for a pair of pants but only get one?  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 15, 2016, 01:06:24 AM
John was out hunting one day when suddenly felt the need to relieve himself. He dropped trow and squatted over a log. Near halfways finished he looked up to see two bears heading towards him. Realizing he had set his gun down out of reach he began to pray. "oh please, let these bears have religion.. please let these bears have religion". The two bears came to 10 feet from John, knelt down and spoke.. "Thank you Lord. for the meal we're about to receive".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GD Giles on March 17, 2016, 12:45:53 PM
Italians don't like Jehovah's Witnesses. But then Italians don't like ANY witnesses.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 17, 2016, 01:45:52 PM
Three blonds walk into a building... you would think one of them would have seen it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on March 17, 2016, 01:51:29 PM
Three blonds walk into a building... you would think one of them would have seen it.

ROTFL!!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on March 17, 2016, 01:54:03 PM
My neighbor's in the guinness book of records. He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.... A stone's throw away, in fact.



I was playing frisbee in the park when it occurred to me, why does a frisbee get bigger and bigger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on March 19, 2016, 01:11:14 AM
Why do leprechauns giggle and laugh so much
Because when they run through the tall grass it tickles their nuts  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Onebaddj on March 21, 2016, 04:11:03 PM
What do gay cows eat?

Haaaaaay!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 21, 2016, 06:01:20 PM
Oh Oh, that reminds me of one.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 22, 2016, 09:33:11 AM
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, then sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on March 22, 2016, 05:14:37 PM
What do you call a party of male pigs
A sausage fest
 ;D
( it may not be all that runny, but Hey I just made it up )

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 22, 2016, 07:13:50 PM
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 22, 2016, 11:49:07 PM
The first grade teacher was handing out Life Saver candies and asking the kids to guess what flavor they got. Little Tommy was first and guessed cherry. "Very good Tommy". Sally was next and guessed orange. Again, she was correct. Four or five flavors later she handed Suzie a honey flavored one. Suzie rolled the candy around in her mouth for several seconds then told the teacher that she just couldn't identify the flavor. Not wanting to single Suzie out she gave her a hint. "It's what your mommy sometimes calls your daddy" With that Little Tommy jumps up and yells " SPIT IT OUT SUZIE, IT'S A BUTT HOLE !!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 23, 2016, 08:21:42 AM
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*%."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 23, 2016, 08:37:48 AM
One day a woman went to her doctor. She told the doctor that she wasn't having good sex. The doctor gave her a bottle of viagra, and said put ONE pill in your husband drink and you'll have good sex. So the next day the woman went home and put ONE pill in her husband drink and had good sex. Then she wondered how good it would be if she put TWO pills...so she tried and had sex sooo good she almost cried! So then she wondered what the whole bottle would. And of course she tried it. A few weeks later the doctor called and the little boy answered. The doctor said he was wondering how his mom was doing with the pills. He said," Thanks to you my mom's dead, my sisters pregnant, and my dad's running down the street saying here kitty, kitty, kitty."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 23, 2016, 12:27:59 PM
The elderly woman went to her doctor for her 6 month checkup. After her checkup the doctor, as usual, asked her how life was going for her. She told him she was fine but she worried about her husband of 50 years. It seems he is losing his.... ummm... drive. They hadn't been intimate in 5 months. The doctor gave her a sample of the little blue pills and instructed her to put one in his morning coffee. On her next visit to the doctor the routine went as always. Upon asking her how life was going for her and if the little blue pills did the trick. She responded.. "Life couldn't be better, I did as you instructed and put a pill in his morning coffee and 30 minutes later he took me right there on the table." "Of course",she said, "we are no longer allowed in McDonalds"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 23, 2016, 01:38:26 PM
What's the difference in a Hippo and a Zippo?
.
.
.
A Zippo is a little lighter
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 23, 2016, 05:16:59 PM
An overweight guy went to his family doctor for his annual checkup.  The long time doctor/friend told him that if he didn't loose weight, he would probably be dead within a year.  The guy asked what to do to trim down.  The doctor/friend told him to get a bicycle and ride 20 miles every day.  A month later, the doctor had not seen or heard from his friend, so he telephone his home.  The wife answered and told the doctor her husband was not home; but, if he really needed to talk with her husband, he could call him on his cell.  She said that he should be in Nashville in a day or two.  The doctor asked what was he going to Nashville for.  The wife said:  You should know what he is going to Nashville for!  You're the one who told him to ride 20 miles every day.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 24, 2016, 10:00:07 AM
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $3.29 a pound and deer nuts are just under a buck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on March 24, 2016, 11:08:15 AM

Beer nuts are $3.29 a pound

That is nuts!!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 24, 2016, 11:21:39 AM
and deer nuts are just under a buck.


If one kills a buck during Doe Season, those could cost WAY MORE than a buck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 24, 2016, 11:38:20 AM
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 24, 2016, 03:12:36 PM
Oh, oh, oh - that reminds me of another: 
Question:  How do you get rid of a troublesome Polar Bear?
Answer:  Dig a hole in the ice.  Place peas all around the hole.  When the bear come to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Backyard Airgunner on March 24, 2016, 05:29:14 PM
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nevously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."




The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a University of Alabama Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Their destination Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"While camping in the great outdoors,
we came upon these nice French whores.
They were three and we were two,
I bucked one and Timbuktu."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 24, 2016, 11:14:57 PM
Evidently Little Johnny was a rascal because here he goes again...
Right in the middle of Suzie's reading of her paper on what she did on her Summer vacation Little Johnny jumps up and exclaims "Teacher, I gotta pee!" The teacher replied "Johnny, that was just rude and the polite word would be urinate. Now I want you to use the proper word in a sentence" Johnny sat and thought for a minute then said "Teacher, urinate but, if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 28, 2016, 04:55:20 PM
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."



Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”

“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 28, 2016, 09:21:47 PM
(http://www.gaffngun.com/gallery/data/531/Guiness-Brilliant.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: UCChris on March 28, 2016, 10:15:12 PM
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."



Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”

“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”

Man, a cold Guinness. There is nothing better in this world.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 29, 2016, 08:33:25 AM
Got pulled over today..Cop came up and said he just worked a long day and ended his shift..He said if I had a good reason for speeding that he'd let me go..So I said Officer my wife left me 5 years ago for a cop, and I thought you was bringing her back...he said...have a good day Sir...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 04, 2016, 03:47:00 PM
The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage.
The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy.
The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
She said,
"That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 04, 2016, 11:58:09 PM
    How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
    13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
    1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
     

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 05, 2016, 12:06:15 AM
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your spouse and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on April 05, 2016, 12:18:35 AM
    How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
    13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
    1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
   

Whatever you're trying to say, I think that about sums it up.... ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 05, 2016, 08:57:16 AM
    How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
    13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
    1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
   

Whatever you're trying to say, I think that about sums it up.... ;D


Me too!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Kailua on April 07, 2016, 02:17:13 AM
Majiba was applying for a job in his native India.

The interviewer says Majiba you have done really well on your test.  There is one more test which is a written test.  If you pass you will get the job.  You need to write a sentence using the words green, pink and yellow.

Majiba writes:
The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink it up and answer "yellow this is Majiba how may I help you".

Happy to say Majiba got the job as a telephone receptionist.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 07, 2016, 07:17:37 AM
    How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
    13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
    1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
   

12 to add that their candles are still doing just what they need, thank you very much
4 to say their LEDs have faster light with less energy
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ztirffritz on April 07, 2016, 05:53:31 PM
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: supertech77 on April 07, 2016, 07:56:59 PM
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.” 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
      good one
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on April 08, 2016, 10:44:39 AM
I seen this on a comment section about Trump. 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

 Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking  ticket. I said to him “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

 The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Vote for Hillary 2016'.

 I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 08, 2016, 04:01:59 PM
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory?
The scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense,
became emotional,
couldn't drive,
and refused to apologize when wrong.




No further testing is planned
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 08, 2016, 04:09:04 PM
This guy's at a bar, and it's really late.
He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor.
He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor.
 
Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home.
On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car.
When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door.

The good samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell.

The drunk's wife opens the door.
He says, "Sorry to wake you m'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you."
The wife gratefully responds,
"Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you." "But where's his wheelchair?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Backyard Airgunner on April 08, 2016, 05:10:38 PM
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For *&^% sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the ()&(^)(&() morning!!"




Two buddies where drinking late into the night.  One noticed the time and cursed.  His buddy asks what's wrong.
"I told my wife I'd be home hours ago, when I get home they'll be *(&^ to pay."
"Why?"
"Well I told her I wouldn't drink any more and no matter what I do when I get home I always wake her up."
"Walk me through what you do when you get home, and I'll see if I can help."
"Well, I stop my car at the top of the driveway and let it roll to the house so its nice and quiet.  I slowly open the door, take off my shoes and tip toe up stairs to the bedroom.  I strip and gently get into bed and thats when the fireworks always start."
His friend laughs, "You've got it all wrong buddy."
"How so?"
"When I get home I always hit garbage cans with my car, slam the front door behind me, stomp me feet upstairs to the bedroom, jump on the bed, slap my wife's @@@ and say, You horny too baby? and she's always sound asleep."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Trenier on April 08, 2016, 05:12:22 PM
Voice to Text, sometimes the phone company doesn't quite get it right.

(http://i1153.photobucket.com/albums/p516/TrenierOutdoors/voip_zps9wsq6wmt.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 08, 2016, 05:24:13 PM
A 3 legged Dog hobbles into the Saloon and says with a sneer...
"I'm lookin for the guy who shot my Paw!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Backyard Airgunner on April 08, 2016, 05:57:15 PM
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 08, 2016, 07:22:16 PM
I would like to take a moment to thank all that have submitted jokes/stories for my/our enjoyment.  AND I would also like to thank the moderators for allowing this thread to continue (even though some of the jokes/stories are a little RISQUE.  I have enjoyed them immensely.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 18, 2016, 12:16:16 PM
There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk.
When the bar closed, he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
 
Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.
So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said;
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 18, 2016, 01:39:45 PM
I would like to take a moment to thank all that have submitted jokes/stories for my/our enjoyment.  AND I would also like to thank the moderators for allowing this thread to continue (even though some of the jokes/stories are a little RISQUE.  I have enjoyed them immensely.
Here Here !! I'm pickin up what yer layin down Brother. Might even want to add a disclaimer to the entrance of the thread. "Contents May Be Disturbing To Some and May Cause Facial Ticks To Others"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Iamscotticus on April 18, 2016, 01:52:30 PM
I wish my girlfriend was as dirty as my barrel!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on April 18, 2016, 02:09:34 PM
I wish my girlfriend was as dirty as my barrel!

 :o

  :-X

 ;D

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 19, 2016, 02:07:23 PM
A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

"Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.

"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "Geez! How many bars do you work at, anyway?".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 19, 2016, 06:36:18 PM
A mushroom walks into a bar & orders a vodka tonic. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms". The mushrooms says " Yeah, but I'm a fungi".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 19, 2016, 06:38:31 PM
A tuna fish sandwich walks into a bar & orders a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve food".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jus Tom on April 22, 2016, 01:29:55 PM
Men are pretty "deep thinkers",, the other day the age old question of what's more "painful", giving birth or getting kicked in the nuts?

I believe there's a simple answer to that...... it's "getting kicked in the nuts"!

Although I have no way of knowing for certain,, consider this,, after giving birth, at some time later the woman will likely mention a desire to have another child.   I've yet to hear any man say he would like to be kicked in the nuts again!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 22, 2016, 02:08:41 PM
Guy walks into a fancy bar and the Waiter says "I'm sorry Sir, but need to to be wearing a neck-tie to be served here."
The guy walks back out to his car and searches for a tie.... frustrated, and thirsty, he opens his trunk and grabs his set of jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, and ties them into a perfect Windsor knot.
 He takes one step into the bar and the Waiter sees him and his make shift neck-tie and says...
"Well, I'll let it slide for now... but don't you try to start somethin".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 25, 2016, 04:48:39 PM
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed,
Skydiving is not for you

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
Give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
To produce reproductive organs.

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
Identify their corporate sponsors."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Nod on April 25, 2016, 07:54:21 PM
A guy goes into a bar and gets up on the stool with his chin hanging down on his chest.
He says to the bartender "Give me a triple martini with a straw"
Bartender looks at him but does what the guy wants.
Guy drinks in down in one slurp and says "Give me another triple martini with a straw"
So the bartender does it again.
The guy slurps that one down and orders another
The bartender says " Hold on buddy, you've drunk 2 triple martinis and ordered a third and I haven't seen a dollar on the bar yet, if you tried that in the bar across the street, they'd break your neck"
The guy says "Yeh, I know, I know" !
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on April 25, 2016, 09:24:20 PM
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied:  "These are not pigs. These are

Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 25, 2016, 09:27:57 PM
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied:  "These are not pigs. These are

Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

What do you call a car full of lawyers going over a cliff in a Cadillac?

Waste of a nice car...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on April 25, 2016, 09:33:56 PM
What is black and tan and always looks good on a lawyer?


ans.  A doberman
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on April 26, 2016, 08:37:17 AM
SHOULD BE THE MINIMUM PER HOUSEHOLD THROUGHOUT THE U.S.


 
You may have  heard on the news about a southern California man put who was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds  of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a  secret escape tunnel.

My favorite  quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about  a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred  to it as a "massive weapons cache!"

By southern  California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be  called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived  elsewhere:

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun  collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun  collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well  prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Georgia and Virginia, he'd be called "the  neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called "a  likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Louisiana, he'd be  called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Mississippi and Texas he would be called "a deer hunting  buddy."

And in Tennessee, he's just "Bubba" who's a little short on ammo.

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em herep
Post by: RedFeather on April 26, 2016, 06:55:57 PM
Two Irishmen go out to sea on a liner which hits an iceberg and sinks.  They manage to find an empty lifeboat.  They float unrescued for days. One fashions a fishing line from their shoe laces and a bent pin. As luck would have it, he lands a big fish but, before they can kill it, the fish cries out "I'm a magic fish!  Spare me and I will grant you one wish!" The other Irishman unhooks the fish and tosses it overboard, saying "I wish ta whole ocean were made o' Guinness!" Immediately the sea turns a rich, creamy brown. The other Irishman looks at his companion and exclaims, "You daft fool!  Don't you know what this means??? Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: UCChris on April 26, 2016, 09:01:35 PM
. . . In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well  prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food . . .

As a born and raised native Utahn, I can confirm that this is 100% spot on.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 26, 2016, 09:03:10 PM
An old man is laying in his bed, experiencing the last moments of life. Through the pain, medication and delirium he detects a faint smell, then stronger. At first he dismisses it as a dream, but it persists, it is real!

"Cookies!", he thinks, "my wife made my favorite cookies!"  With nothing left in life and nothing to lose, he decides to have one. The old man slides his feeble body out of bed, barely able to hold his weight. Tentatively, shakily he fumbles to the door, and through to the hall. His strength gives in the hall and brings him to his knees, but he keeps on. Barely a few feet later he is prone, but with all his strength pulls himself along the wall.

He reaches the dining room where, on the edge of the table, he can see the edge of the platter of cooling cookies.  With the last life in his failing mortal body he reaches, strains, groans, and grasps the closest cookie. In that instant, a sharp pain stings his fingers, hand and arm.

"Stop that!", his wife cries as she retracts the spatula. "Those are for the funeral!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on April 26, 2016, 10:22:43 PM
How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on April 26, 2016, 10:30:21 PM

How to deal with bike thieves.
 
 
 
 (removed for inappropriate language - Rule #6)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on April 27, 2016, 03:52:20 AM
SHOULD BE THE MINIMUM PER HOUSEHOLD THROUGHOUT THE U.S.


 
You may have  heard on the news about a southern California man put who was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds  of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a  secret escape tunnel.

My favorite  quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about  a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred  to it as a "massive weapons cache!"

By southern  California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be  called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived  elsewhere:

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun  collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun  collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well  prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Georgia and Virginia, he'd be called "the  neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called "a  likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Louisiana, he'd be  called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Mississippi and Texas he would be called "a deer hunting  buddy."

And in Tennessee, he's just "Bubba" who's a little short on ammo.
it really sux, but I live in California and sadly that's 100% realistic.
I'm just glad that I own a pitbull and that criminals are getting smarter ( any burglar dumb enough to break into my house with a 65lb pitbull barking at them would simply get licked to death )
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: UCChris on April 27, 2016, 05:06:31 AM
How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.

As a (near?) millennial, take offense to that!  ;)

Some of us have our heads on somewhat straight.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on April 27, 2016, 08:24:42 AM

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
______________________________
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on April 27, 2016, 09:45:47 AM
How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.

As a (near?) millennial, take offense to that!  ;)

Some of us have our heads on somewhat straight.

I don't think it applies to us level-headed millenials lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 05, 2016, 12:33:16 PM
I told my son, “I want you to marry a girl of My choice!” He said, “No!”
I told him it’s Bill Gates’ daughter! He said, “Okay!”
I got in contact with Bill Gates & told him, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” He said, “No!”
Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank. He said, “Okay.”
I went to the President of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the bank. He said, “No!”
Told him my son was Bill Gates’ son-in-law. He said, “Okay.”/color]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 05, 2016, 12:41:08 PM
A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of *(&^. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, little man!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young man, "but my friend back there, well.... he don't have one."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 08, 2016, 12:34:41 AM
How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.

As a (near?) millennial, take offense to that!  ;)

Some of us have our heads on somewhat straight.
I was born in '95, and I take no offense because it's basically true 😁😁😁😁
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ztirffritz on May 10, 2016, 08:33:24 PM
A blonde gets on a plane bound for Chicago and leaves her seat in economy to sit in first class. When the flight attendant tells her she has to go back to economy because she didn’t pay for a first class ticket, the blonde says, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here in this seat.” The flight attendant and the blonde repeat this process a few times before the attendant gets the pilot. The same thing happens to the pilot when he tries to talk to the blonde. He goes back to the cockpit and begins to radio the tower for assistance when the co-pilot asks him to wait just a second. “I’m married to a blonde,” he tells the captain. “I speak blonde, let me handle it.” He goes up to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she said, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” before getting up and going back to her economy seat. “How did you do that?” his colleagues ask him. “Easy. I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JimQwerty123 on May 12, 2016, 11:45:03 AM
Signs of Spring?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 15, 2016, 08:17:13 AM
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 17, 2016, 12:47:36 PM
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BushWacker on May 19, 2016, 03:11:08 AM
There were 3 moles, a Papa mole, a Mama mole and a Baby mole, in their den waking up from hibernating when spring was to arrive.   The Papa mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "Mama I think I smell the smell of Spring".  The Mama mole sticks her head out of the hole and says "Papa, yes for sure that's the smell of Spring".  The Baby mole on his tippy toes can't quite reach up to the hole, hanging onto Mama sniffs and sniffs and says "all I smell is MoleAsses".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 19, 2016, 01:19:01 PM
Pirate walks into a Bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants.
Bartender says "What's up with the steering wheel, isn't that uncomfortable?"
Pirate says "Ahrrrrrr... It's diving me nuts!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 28, 2016, 01:30:05 PM
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000."
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on June 09, 2016, 04:45:53 PM
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of this story?

To be sitting and doing nothing, you better be sitting very, very high up...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jolobolo on June 09, 2016, 09:06:14 PM
Why do elephants wear sandals
To stop them sinking in soft sand.
How do Elephants camouflage themselves to hide in cherry trees.
Easy paint their Nuts red.
How do Elephants get into a cherry tree
Sit on a cherry and wait for Spring.
How do Elephants get out of a cherry tree.
Sit on a leaf and wait for Autumn.
Have you ever seen an Elephant in a cherry Tree.
No shows how good the camouflage is.
What is the loudest noise in the Jungle.
Giraffes eating Cherrys.
How do you know if elephants have been making love in your garden.
There are bumps in the lawn and your trash bags are missing.
Why do ostriches bury their heads in the sand.
To look for the elephants that didn't wear sandals.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: supertech77 on June 14, 2016, 04:40:57 AM
whats the gooey stuff between a elephant,s toes during a stampede ?

   slow natives
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on June 30, 2016, 10:00:42 PM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really ticked.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since last Friday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on June 30, 2016, 11:00:33 PM
oooow.  I would not DARE to tell that joke to my wife.  She wouldn't find it amusing --- but I do!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 01, 2016, 03:34:15 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on July 02, 2016, 03:52:35 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 02, 2016, 09:05:08 PM
I just read this word for word at my daughters wedding (3rd) dinner.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 13, 2016, 02:56:07 AM
My kid kept asking me to go to Disney Land.
So I drove to a warehouse that burned down...
I said gracious... Disney burnt down... let's get some ice cream.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jeff76 on July 13, 2016, 03:48:30 AM
this might be over the line but, here it goes.  mods feel free to delete.

if you force a hooker to do the deed.  is it rape or theft?

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 13, 2016, 08:14:28 AM
Reminds me of a man one time that said they were so poor growing up that on Christmas eve his dad would go outside, fire his gun and come back in the house and tell the kids that " Santa had just committed suicide and there wouldn't be any presents this year.
My kid kept asking me to go to Disney Land.
So I drove to a warehouse that burned down...
I said gracious... Disney burnt down... let's get some ice cream.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on July 20, 2016, 05:53:55 PM
Hillary Clinton was recently invited to speak in front of a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in upstate New York.
She spoke for nearly an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American's standard of living.
She talked about her experience as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Despite Hillary being vague about the details of her plans, she seemed enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about her ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the end of her speech, the Tribes presented Hillary with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."
Honored and happy with how everything went, Hillary then left to go to a fund raiser, smiling and waving to the crowd from her motorcade.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to choose the new name they had given to Mrs. Clinton.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to an old bird so full of chet it can no longer fly.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ralph in MN on July 21, 2016, 10:08:44 PM
A guy is driving past a mental hospital. There is a wooden fence around an area on the side and there are people shouting 21 21 21. He stopped and peeked through a knothole in the fence and someone poked him in the eye, then the all started shouting 22 22 22
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 23, 2016, 07:17:56 PM
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero"
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is SO cool!"


A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: USAFANG6799 on July 23, 2016, 07:31:39 PM
Who had the first computers?

Adam and Eve!

Adam had an Apple and Eve had a Wang..........true story!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 26, 2016, 10:57:08 AM
God called Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Bill Gates to come to a conference. When they were all there, God said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."
So, Barack Obama called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Vladimir Putin called into session the Communist Party and announced, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all and the worse news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 10." 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on July 26, 2016, 07:34:54 PM
God called Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Bill Gates to come to a conference. When they were all there, God said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."
So, Barack Obama called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Vladimir Putin called into session the Communist Party and announced, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all and the worse news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 10."

Wouldn't be the first time God talked through a donkey...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on July 27, 2016, 08:54:55 AM
God called Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Bill Gates to come to a conference. When they were all there, God said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."
So, Barack Obama called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Vladimir Putin called into session the Communist Party and announced, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all and the worse news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."
Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 10."


Funny on an epic scale ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on July 28, 2016, 01:04:56 AM
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said,  "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
 
(1) you have a dirty mind, 
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 29, 2016, 08:06:59 PM
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on July 29, 2016, 11:34:39 PM
If you're a fan of spaghetti westerns, you might have heard this story:

One cold and frosty morning in early Spring a young birdie fell out of its nest and lay on the ground shivering and nearly frozen.
A cow saw him there and decided to help the poor birdie out, and covered him with a huge cow pie.
The poop, while smelly was also very warm and soon the birdie was singing with all his might. The warmer he got the louder he began to sing.
About this time a coyote,attracted by the singing, jumped out from behind a boulder and snatched the birdie from the pile and quickly devoured him.
The moral of the story is that not everyone who S**ts on you is your enemy, not everyone that pulls you out of the s**t is your friend, and if you are happy in a pile of s**t keep your mouth shut.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 30, 2016, 03:12:24 AM
Buffalo, NY  July 30, 2016
A truck carrying 2,000 lbs. human hair was hijacked and crashed while on the way to a wig factory. The suspects escaped and are at large.

Police are still combing the area.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: PelletsForPests on July 30, 2016, 11:42:35 AM
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

-------------------

Throwing acid is wrong in some people's eyes.

--------------------

Q: What is 6.9?
A: A really great thing ruined by a period.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on July 30, 2016, 01:34:10 PM
Buffalo, NY  July 30, 2016
A truck carrying 2,000 lbs. human hair was hijacked and crashed while on the way to a wig factory. The suspects escaped and are at large.

Police are still combing the area.

Earlier reports indicate that the suspects were also scalping tickets. At a news conference this morning, the police chief was asked when they think they can capture the suspects or where they might be hiding.  The Chief assured everyone that his men are trying to get to the root of the problem in an expeditious and efficient manner.

He answered, "Just off the top of my head, I can't really be certain. We are in the process of trying to shave down the number of probable suspects and possible hiding places right now."

When asked if they might have to give up the search for the hijackers to attend to other police duties the Police Chief replied, "We're not giving up yet.  Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin."

The Chief of police has detectives conducting inquiries at local beauty salons and beauty supply stores.  They hope to find a more permanent solution to this crime.

The hijacking sent shock waves throughout wall street.  Experts are advising investors to cut their loses and get out of wigs.  Profit margins for the wig manufacturers are expected to be only a hair's breadth by the end of this quarter.

Hair theft is on the rise all around the country: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6Q3Mtm3De0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6Q3Mtm3De0)

On another note, police are trying to figure out who shot twice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=het1kl-A8qw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=het1kl-A8qw)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 04, 2016, 04:32:06 AM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans enter a fine restaurant.

ARE YOU READY?

ARE YOU READY?

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after looking at the group, "but I cannot allow you to come in here without a Thai".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on August 04, 2016, 09:09:25 AM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans enter a fine restaurant.

ARE YOU READY?

ARE YOU READY?

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after looking at the group, "but I cannot allow you to come in here without a Thai".
I want to see you tell this joke in person. :-)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 04, 2016, 02:18:14 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans enter a fine restaurant.

ARE YOU READY?

ARE YOU READY?

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after looking at the group, "but I cannot allow you to come in here without a Thai".
I want to see you tell this joke in person. :-)
With a Thai around your neck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wimpanzee on August 04, 2016, 02:45:25 PM
Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest, only to discover he had grossly misinterpreted the rules.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BTair on August 05, 2016, 03:47:06 PM
An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on August 05, 2016, 04:13:23 PM
What do you call a dog with no legs?  Anything you want, he still won't come to you.

What do you DO with a dog with no legs?  Take him for a drag.

Welcome to the mind of a 4 year old.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 05, 2016, 04:29:21 PM
And as a follow up... my Grand-Daughters favorite joke when she was 7 or 8...

"Why did Sally fall off the swing?
   - I don't know, why did she?
"Because she didn't have any arms."

"Didn't like that one, OK here is another."

"Knock-knock"
   - who's there
"Sure as heck ain't Sally!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ztirffritz on August 05, 2016, 07:41:37 PM
A man walks into a bar, and sits down on a barstool, placing a small brown bag on the counter next to him. He signals to the bartender and then proceeds to down 3 shots of scotch.

The bartender, being no fool asks, “Hey man what’s wrong?”

Without replying the man slowly reaches over and grabs the brown bag. Opening it, he pulls out a tiny piano. To the bartender’s surprise he reaches back in and pulls out a tiny man, who couldn’t be standing more than a foot tall, dressed in a full tuxedo. The tiny man walks up to the piano, pulls out the piano bench and carefully sits down. He then continues to play some of the most beautiful soothing music the bartender has ever heard.

“Where on earth did you get this little man?!”

“Oh I have a genie.”

The bartender can barely contain his excitement, “You do? Can I see it?”

“Of course, of course,” says the man pulling out an ornately decorated lamp.

The bartender takes the lamp and rubs it and out pops a genie.

“You have summoned me. What is your one wish sir?”

“I want a million bucks!” The bartender shouts.

Immediately the room begins to fill up with ducks. Feathers are flying everywhere, the other patrons begin screaming and running for the doors.

As the ducks continue to appear out of thin air, the bartender looks frantically at the man with the brown bag who has a sly smile on his face.

“WHAT HAPPENED!? I DIDN’T ASK FOR THESE DUCKS!!”

“Well do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 09, 2016, 10:53:35 PM
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
"Dear Mom,
While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love, Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:
"Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love, Mom."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 10, 2016, 01:01:13 PM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first LSU football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, butI just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'I'm like...Helloooooo?It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on August 11, 2016, 06:07:42 PM
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 11, 2016, 07:07:23 PM
Guy comes home from work to find his wife packing a suitecase.
"Baby! What are you doing?" He says.
She replies "I'M LEAVING!"
"But Baby ....why?" He asks.
She says"Because I heard you're a PEDIFILE!"
Man says "Oooooh, big word for a 12 year old!"

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 11, 2016, 07:19:08 PM
Too riscky... Hows about this?
Guy comes home from work to find his wife packing a suitecase.
"Baby! What are you doing?" He says.
She replies "I'M LEAVING! ...GOING TO VEGAS!"
"But Baby ....why?" He asks.
She says"Because I heard you can get $100 for a BJ there."
Man pulls out a suitecase and starts packing.
"What are you doing?" The Wife asks.
Man says "I'm going to Vegas... I wanna see you live on $200 a YEAR!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BushWacker on August 11, 2016, 07:28:52 PM
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hot tub? = Bob
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your door step? = Matt
What do you call several men with no arms or legs in a hot tub? = Stew
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your wall? = Art
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on water skis? = Skip
What do you call a man with no arms or legs under a pile of leaves? = Russell
What do you call a cow with no arms or legs? = Ground Beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs shorter than the other 2? = Lean Beef
What do you call a woman with 1 leg shorter than the other? = Eileen
What do you call an Asian woman with 1 leg shorter than the other? = Eireen
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on August 11, 2016, 11:12:49 PM
A blonde woman goes ice fishing.  She has all her equipment and gets ready to cut into the ice.  Suddenly a voice says "there are no fish under the ice".  So she moves aways and decides to try there.  Again the voice "there are no fish under the ice".  So she moves again.  Again the voice telling her there are no fish under the ice.  So she says "is that you Lord telling me there are no fish?"  "no" comes the voice again, "I'm the manager of the hockey rink".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on August 12, 2016, 08:46:11 PM
I love this thread.  :D
It just goes to show I know waayyy too many dirty jokes and not nearly enough clean ones.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on August 13, 2016, 01:13:35 PM
What is black and is stuck to a ceiling?

An electrician who ain't very good.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 15, 2016, 04:55:36 PM
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"

The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"

The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JamesB on August 16, 2016, 09:30:47 AM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee,and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joekrooz on August 16, 2016, 01:39:23 PM
Ha, ha, ha, ha,ha!!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 16, 2016, 01:46:26 PM
Quote
"Cause you're ugly."

I literally LOL'ed at my desk here at work on that one.
Now they they know I'm not "working".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on August 16, 2016, 02:45:04 PM
+1
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on August 25, 2016, 10:34:49 AM
Not exactly a joke but still humor.

A penny saved is a government oversight.
 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
 
He who hesitates is probably right.
 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
 
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs!'
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
 
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
 
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
 
    A Blessing
{ 1 } Once upon a time, all the villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered but only one small boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH
-----------------
{ 2 } WHEN You throw a baby in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them.
That's TRUST
------------------
{ 3 } Almost every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE
-----------------
{ 4 } We Plan big things for tomorrow in spite of absolutely no knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE
-------------------
{ 5 } We see the world suffering and in turmoil, but still we get married.
That's LOVE
--------------------
{6} On an old woman's shirt was written a cute sentence - 'I Am Not 80 Years Old..,I Am Sweet 16 with 64 Years' Experience.'
That's ATTITUDE
---------------------------

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 29, 2016, 02:07:08 PM
Chaos at a wedding

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom; It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: longhunter on August 29, 2016, 07:37:27 PM
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."



Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”

“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”

Man, a cold Guinness. There is nothing better in this world.

Try one at room temperature. Guiness extra stout, not that wimpy stuff in the can.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on August 29, 2016, 09:38:49 PM
Bro, Guiness at room temperature with a 1" to 1 1/2" head on it.  Best beer in the world. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on August 30, 2016, 01:34:17 AM
A ventriloquist has decided to visit a farm for sale.  Sunday morning he drives till a small city nearby the farm and ask for directions at the gas station.  The guy tells him – do you see that boy? He lives in the farm’s neighborhood, and you should ask him if he may guide you.  So, the ventriloquist and the 13 years old boy start their way.  Passing by a cow, the ventriloquist stops the car and says – Good morning Mrs. Cow, how are you doing?  “Very well, this morning the grass is soft and tasty”.  The boy is astonished.  A little bit later, a horse.. – Good morning Mr. Horse, you are so beautiful. “Thank you, my owner has brushed my mane today”.  The boy looks to the ventriloquist .. I can’t believe you’re really talking to them!?  They go ahead and the boy says – Hey, Mr., here is the farm where I live. Oh, congratulations, very nice indeed! And stops the car just in front a charming female goat that’s approaching the fence.  Now, as I’m going to talk with someone that you know very well, you are going to believe me – NO, NO, MR., DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH HER! SHE’S A LIAR!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on August 30, 2016, 05:26:32 AM
Go to an animal shelter for a new pet and you're a saint.
Go to a womens' shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody freaks out.

Or picking up girls at an AA meeting where the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on September 03, 2016, 12:12:15 AM
(http://17663-presscdn-0-49.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/squirrels-and-guns-.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 03, 2016, 06:09:01 AM
(http://17663-presscdn-0-49.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/squirrels-and-guns-.jpg)

Now that's funny....  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: marty2 on September 03, 2016, 07:39:19 AM
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."



Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”

“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”

Man, a cold Guinness. There is nothing better in this world.

Try one at room temperature. Guiness extra stout, not that wimpy stuff in the can.

Sample some fresh at the brewery in Dublin Ireland....... it doesn't get any better than that.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: PelletsForPests on September 03, 2016, 08:25:27 AM
(http://17663-presscdn-0-49.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/squirrels-and-guns-.jpg)

Awesome. I wonder how many squirrels have gotten "Glock nuts"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: longhunter on September 07, 2016, 05:27:19 PM
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."



Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”

“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”

Man, a cold Guinness. There is nothing better in this world.

Try one at room temperature. Guiness extra stout, not that wimpy stuff in the can.

Sample some fresh at the brewery in Dublin Ireland....... it doesn't get any better than that.

My daughter got to,  when she was on leave. Alas, I'll have to be content with what they so generously send across the pond,  seeing as I refuse to be subjected to the b.s. involved with dealing with the T.S.A.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on September 09, 2016, 10:07:29 AM
This is why older women should not have babies...

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit to meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 09, 2016, 10:38:35 AM
That reminds me of the reason Men should not take phone messages...

(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XCCzcMw9CYM/TIrKQ4vVHMI/AAAAAAAAJ4c/9BClgd0scNo/s1600/daily_picdump_486_640_111.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ezman604 on September 09, 2016, 10:49:36 AM
Michigan State Police announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles,
with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin,
$12 million in forged bills and a ring of 14 prostitutes.
All in a housing project behind the Detroit Public Library.

Detroit folks were stunned.
A community organizer said:
"We are shocked ...!
 
We never knew we had a library! "

 :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on September 09, 2016, 10:51:52 AM
I can't remember if this was ever posted or not:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwbKYcBdVyk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwbKYcBdVyk)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ztirffritz on September 09, 2016, 02:15:02 PM
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 02, 2016, 03:47:42 AM
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell phone.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BushWacker on December 02, 2016, 05:27:54 PM
 ;D  Now that's a classic!


Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell phone.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Dairyboy on December 02, 2016, 07:29:01 PM
Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell phone.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

Lol that's great Jerry!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on December 02, 2016, 09:06:18 PM
It's not about the nail.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 03, 2016, 04:21:04 AM
It's not about the nail.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg)

I love that one.   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 03, 2016, 11:41:53 AM
Ouch!  That must hurt a LOT!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on December 03, 2016, 12:02:01 PM
The Newfoundland Department of Employment believed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help.
 An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin to investigate the boat owner.
                       
                                 
    GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
                       
    Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years.
    I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
    Then there's the mentally challenged guy.
    He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here.
    He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board.
    I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night
    so he can cope with life.
    Also, he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
                                 
    GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
                                 
    Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on December 03, 2016, 01:06:38 PM
Bwahahaha...that was great!  My wife, not so amused.  Hehehehee
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Horatio on December 04, 2016, 05:12:45 PM
Ha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on December 05, 2016, 02:00:20 PM
A fellow wanted to sell me a pig when I had my farm.  He drove up to the barn in his pick up truck with a Vietnamese pot-belly pig in the bed of the truck and offered to sell it to me.

I declined his offer but he kept coming down in price, with me refusing, then finally said he would give it to me.  I told him that even if he gave it to me that I still didn't want the pig.

Frustrated, he said, "Well, what am I going to do with him?"

I replied, "Why don't you take him to the zoo?"  Then he looked at me and kind of smiled (the owner not the pig) got in the truck and drove away.

About a fortnight later I was walking past the bank and saw the same pick up truck parked outside.  In the passenger seat, sat the pot-belly pig, with a Michigan cap on his head.

I slowed down my pace to get a good look at the pig when the owner came out of the bank.  So I approached him, "Say, aren't you the gentleman that wanted to give me this pig?"

He replied, "Yes I am."

"Did you take him to the zoo?" I asked.

"Yep. I sure did.  He had such a good time that I'm going to take him to Disney World next."

I didn't bother to ask if the pig was a Michigan fan or if he just liked the hat.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 08, 2016, 12:07:53 PM
Farmer Boudreaux’s cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gate and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”The Cajun cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Pearly Gate with the same offer that He made to Farmer Boudreaux’s cat.The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to ever run again.”God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.About a week later, God decided to check on the little Cajun cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”Boudreaux’s cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL! I have never been so happy in my life! The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Horatio on December 08, 2016, 07:55:50 PM
https://youtu.be/RGvrmltfMrA
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on December 08, 2016, 08:30:17 PM
https://youtu.be/RGvrmltfMrA

Holy @$%^!!! Hilarious!!! Put's "The Great Indoors" in perspective.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JamesB on December 08, 2016, 08:54:02 PM
Farmer Boudreaux’s cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gate and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”The Cajun cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Pearly Gate with the same offer that He made to Farmer Boudreaux’s cat.The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to ever run again.”God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.About a week later, God decided to check on the little Cajun cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”Boudreaux’s cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL! I have never been so happy in my life! The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”

LOL!!!!  This made my day!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Horatio on December 08, 2016, 11:06:39 PM
https://youtu.be/RGvrmltfMrA

Holy @$%^!!! Hilarious!!! Put's "The Great Indoors" in perspective.

Yea, I've only seen the previews for that show though.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 09, 2016, 12:17:05 AM
https://youtu.be/RGvrmltfMrA

Holy @$%^!!! Hilarious!!! Put's "The Great Indoors" in perspective.

Yea, I've only seen the previews for that show though.
I've seen it and It's OK, but not the funniest show out there.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: pneuby on December 09, 2016, 07:33:10 PM
Bro, Guiness at room temperature .....

Remember though, the temp of a room in London during July is a wee bit more comfortable than one in Phoenix.....

Just sayin'. 8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on December 09, 2016, 07:36:45 PM
Still, though, guiness is better at room temperature; say 70 degrees or so?  That foam is so tasty...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: pneuby on December 09, 2016, 07:41:14 PM
Still, though, guiness is better at room temperature; ...

So is CHEESE, but we Americans just don't have the patience, LOL.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on December 09, 2016, 07:46:35 PM
Speak for yourself, brother!  When it comes to guiness and a good soft cheese, I'll wait...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on December 09, 2016, 11:48:15 PM
I set a New Years resolution last year that I was going to lose 20 pounds this year.

So far it's working pretty good, I've only got 40 more pounds to go.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Horatio on December 10, 2016, 12:11:55 AM
Bro, Guiness at room temperature .....

Remember though, the temp of a room in London during July is a wee bit more comfortable than one in Phoenix.....

Just sayin'. 8)

IDK, if London (actually Ireland) is anything like Frankfurt, Paris... it can be pretty humid, reading about the fog around the white cliffs of Dover, I bet it can get way humid.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on December 13, 2016, 11:35:55 PM
An elderly gentleman goes to the dentist complaining of a toothache.  The young female dentist takes a look at it, gets and X-ray, and says, "Sorry Sir, it's too far gone.  There's nothing I can do, it's going to have to come out."

She starts to prepare an injection of benzocaine, and the patient says, "What are you doing?"  She says, "Well Sir, you're going to need something for pain, so I'm going to give you an injection."  He says, "Oh no, I'm afraid of needles, I can't take a shot."

So she reaches for the gas mask, and he says, "What are you doing now?"  She says, "Well I'm going to give you some gas for the pain."  He says, "Oh no, I'm claustrophobic, I can't do the mask."

So she ask him, "Sir can you take pills?"  He replies, "Oh yes, I can take pills all day long, no problems."  So she gives him 2 small blue pills and says, "Take these, they're Viagra!" 

He says, "Viagra?  I didn't know Viagra was a pain killer?"  She said, "It's not, but you're going to need something to hold onto when I yank this tooth out."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on December 17, 2016, 04:11:12 PM
The wife and I are on one of those 30 day wonder diets....

So far we've lost 15 days!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jp_over on December 19, 2016, 05:25:02 PM
Farmer Boudreaux’s cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gate and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”The Cajun cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Pearly Gate with the same offer that He made to Farmer Boudreaux’s cat.The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to ever run again.”God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.About a week later, God decided to check on the little Cajun cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”Boudreaux’s cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL! I have never been so happy in my life! The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”

Nice one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 19, 2016, 06:07:48 PM
Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!

Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."!

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!

A wonderful Christmas song told me to Deck The Halls....so I did.
Mr. and Mrs Hall were not very happy.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jp_over on December 19, 2016, 06:17:56 PM
Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!

Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."!

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!

My little one got a kick out of that snowman joke!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 25, 2016, 04:52:31 AM
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly feeling you get when your attracted to someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on December 25, 2016, 12:13:06 PM
Subtle words of wisdom ΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔ ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on January 01, 2017, 03:59:26 PM
How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.

As a (near?) millennial, take offense to that!  ;)

Some of us have our heads on somewhat straight.
I was born in '95, and I take no offense because it's basically true 😁😁😁😁

Here is a training video for employers, managers or supervisors that have to deal with millennial employees.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz0o9clVQu8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz0o9clVQu8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 03, 2017, 08:29:28 AM
Three Rednecks were working
on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve
falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says,
"Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff,
I'll do it.
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a
case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that,
Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband
was dead and she gave you beer? "Well, not exactly",
Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,
'You must be Steve's widow'. "She said, "No, I'm not
a widow. "
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of
Budweiser you are".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 03, 2017, 08:32:11 AM
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office..

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 07, 2017, 12:42:25 PM

The State of Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife sends a letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on their property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs. The property owners response in the second letter is EPIC.

LETTER FROM OREGON DEPT. OF FISH & WILDLIFE:

*************************************************************

*************************************************************

Dear Landowner:

ODFW Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.
Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not. If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely
Steve Niemela
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist


************************************************************

************************************************************


RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS:

Dear Mr. Niemela:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the "Frog Survey License" ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a "Frog Habitat" parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle). You will also need an "Invasive Species" stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add'l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle. If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your "Creek Habitat" stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8 am. and 3 pm. but you cannot commence survey until 9 am. and must cease all survey activity by 1 pm. Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18” handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles. After 1 pm. you can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the "Frog Net Endorsement" ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed. As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our "Premium Survey" units and application is again only $8.00 per application.
However, all fees can be waives if you can verify "Native Indian Tribal rights and status."

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of "Frog Surveys and You" comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,
Larry & Amanda Anderson
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on January 07, 2017, 09:23:49 PM
If you're dreaming about shooting stuff with your airgun, is that using your ammo-gination?  (I made that up myself, I really had to use my pneu-dle!)  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on January 07, 2017, 09:51:50 PM
Ugh!  that is a baaaad pun!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on January 10, 2017, 10:17:38 AM
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
 
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week.
 
Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."
 
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
 
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
 
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 10, 2017, 03:27:03 PM
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!," said Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper smiled and said, "We're gonna pull her back up again tomorrow."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on January 10, 2017, 03:30:06 PM
Tater, that last one... that was awesome, still laughing. ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 10, 2017, 03:33:52 PM
Three guys in a boat were fishing on Lake Erie in July when they discovered that Bob had fallen overboard. Joe says "I'll save him!" and dives overboard. After a couple of dives he comes up with the body.

Ralph says "I'll do mouth-to-mouth!"
After a couple of attempts he stops and says "Whew! I don't remember Bob having such bad breath."

Joe says, "Uh....I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tims229 on January 10, 2017, 03:46:46 PM
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices he has a small steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pants.  The pirate orders his drink and the bartender serves him his drink.  The bartender can not ignore the small little wheel and addresses the pirate, "Do you know there is a small steering wheel hanging out of your fly?"  The pirate replies "AARRG!   It's diving me nuts!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on January 10, 2017, 03:59:52 PM
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices he has a small steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pants.  The pirate orders his drink and the bartender serves him his drink.  The bartender can not ignore the small little wheel and addresses the pirate, "Do you know there is a small steering wheel hanging out of your fly?"  The pirate replies "AARRG!   It's diving me nuts!"

ROTFLMBO!
Title: Alaska retirement.
Post by: 45Bravo on January 10, 2017, 08:04:07 PM
 Alaska Retirement

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 10, 2017, 09:26:29 PM
For all you sod busters out there...

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce.

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer says, “No, I don’t have a Case, I have a John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer says, “Yeah, I got me a grudge, that’s where I parks me John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer says, “Yes sir, I got me a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney says, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer says, “Oh no sir. We both get up about the same time, around 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it to you this way. “Why do you want a divorce from your wife?” The farmer replied, “Well, I can never have me a meaningful conversation with her.”


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 11, 2017, 02:27:44 AM
Good ones Ian and Scott!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mr. Panther on January 11, 2017, 08:22:20 PM
a rabbi a vicar and a priest walk into the bar. They all sit down and order whiskey. The bar tender brings them their drinks and asks them" Is this some kind of joke?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 11, 2017, 08:37:05 PM
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 11, 2017, 09:15:22 PM
^ One of my favorite classics right there!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on January 11, 2017, 09:18:13 PM
Meanwhile back at the bar...

Johnny is sitting in the bar sipping on a beer when a haggard old pirate limps in. He had a peg leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over one eye.  Johnny is fascinated by this old salt of the sea.

"Hey Pirate", johnny says, "sit with me and let me buy you a drink!"  Of course the pirate agrees.

Johnny buys the pirate a glass of rum and says, "pirate, tell me how you got that peg leg?"

"Arrgh, I was fighting with Blackbeard over me treasure and caught me off guard, ran his sword through and cut me leg off. It was a clean cut though, and it healed right well. Arrrgh!"

Johnny is mesmerized and buys the pirate another glass of rum.  "Pirate, how did you get that hook?"

Arrgh, I was rowing to shore with me crew off the Bahamas and a great white reaches off and takes off me hand!  It was a clean bite though, and it healed right well.  Arrgh!

Johnny must go on, and buys the pirate one more glass of rum. "Pirate, how did you get that patch over your eye?"

"Arrgh! It was an albatross what did it, that skaggy bird!"

"An Albatross?"

"Arrgh.  An albatross crapped in me eye, and it was the first day with me hook!"


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 11, 2017, 09:38:16 PM
Love it.. but I fear you have inadvertently  opened the Pandora's box of "Johnny Jokes".

Teacher asked the class to use the word "Fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary in the front row raises her hand..."Yes Mary?" says the teacher....
"I read a book this weekend and I was Fascinated" says Mary.
Teacher says "Close but you did not use the exact word I was looking for, next?"

Billy in the second row raises his hand and says "My Farther took me to the zoo and it was Fascinating "
Again, the teacher says "Close, but you children are adding suffixes to the root word I am asking for."

Little Johnny in the back row waves his hand and proudly states "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons... but her boobies are so big, she can only fasten eight".

*Teacher faints
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 17, 2017, 03:43:52 PM
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked.
"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.
And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

When God created the donkey, he said:"You’ll work day and night, and you’ll carry on your back heavy baggage. You’ll eat grass and you’ll have a low IQ. You’ll be living for 50 years."
"But my God, 50 years is a lot of time for that kind of life! Give me only 30."
And so it happened.

Then, God created the dog:"As a dog, you’ll guard man’s property and you’ll be his staunch/loyal friend. You’ll eat their left overs and you’ll be living for 25 years."
"Oh, Mighty God. This kind of life is unbearable. Give me only 10 years to live, please."
And so it happened.

Then, God created the monkey:" You’ll jump around, tree to tree, and you’ll act like a fool so people can be entertained by you. Your life will last 20 years."
"No, God, please! Don’t let me suffer for that long. Give only 10 years to live."
And so it happened.

Last, God created the Man:"You’re a Man. You’re the only sensible being on the planet earth. You’ll use your intelligence to dominate the other creatures. You’ll be in charge. Your life will last 20 years."
"But my one and only God, 20 years is not too long to achieve my goal. I beg you to give me the donkey’s 20 years, dog’s 15 years and monkeys 10 years."
And so it happen.

Since then men live for 20 years as a man.
Then, he gets married and works as a donkey for 20 years carrying heavy baggage night and day.
He has children and lives as a dog, guarding the house and his property, eating family left overs.
And when he grows old, he lives like a monkey.
He’s his grandchildrens entertainer by acting the fool!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 18, 2017, 02:30:38 PM
I found a web site that archives old movie previews.
I book marked it as The Trailer Park.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: T-Higgs on January 19, 2017, 10:11:23 PM
Text to the Neighbor
 
  Hi Bill, this is Tim next door. I have a confession to make.
  I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and
  have been trying to get up the
  courage to tell you to your face, but I am at
  least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a
 moment longer without you knowing.
 
  The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when
  you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
 
  I haven't been getting it
  at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The
  temptation was just too much.
 
  I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept
  my sincerest apologies  and forgive me. It won't happen again.
 Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
 
  Regards, Tim
 
  THE RESPONSE
 
  Bill feeling insulted and
  betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot Tim dead.  He
  returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and
 sat down on  the sofa.
 
  He took out his phone where he saw he had a second
  message from his neighbor Tim.
 
 THE SECOND MESSAGE
 
  Hi Bill, This is Tim next door again.
  Sorry about the typo on my last
  text. I expect you figured it out anyway,
  and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct
 changed "wi-fi" to "wife"
 That's that technology for you, hey?


edited:  because I let my wife read it...
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 20, 2017, 04:11:22 AM
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.



How could anyone stoop so low?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 20, 2017, 03:16:16 PM
A older single lady called police to report the man next door “parading around his bedroom in the nude”. 
When the police arrived to investigate the complaint, the lady showed them to the window through which she had been looking.  As the police officer looked across the yard to the neighbor’s house, he noticed the sight line was mostly blocked by a high fence.  He told the lady he could not see anything below the man’s neck.
The lady opened the closed door and took out a large stool and placed it by the window.  She then told the police officer that he could get a better view if he stood on the stool.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 21, 2017, 01:49:32 PM
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
"There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead".
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat.
The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.
"It's definitely dead sir", says the vet.
Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes.
"That will be $1000, please".
"A $1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead!?" fumes the man.
"Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

--------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around.
After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.
The further he walked, the more rats followed.
He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him.
So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store shortly.
"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor.
"You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man.
"You have any brass Politicians?"

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on January 21, 2017, 03:39:06 PM
I especially like the second joke Jeff.     8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 22, 2017, 03:13:54 PM
A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home.
But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet.
The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

--------------------------------------------------

A teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Benjamin stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Avra on January 23, 2017, 06:56:55 AM
Hahahahahahah...still crying from lauhter with the first one!
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Avra on January 23, 2017, 07:05:24 AM
Here's mine...

Christmas-The truth
When  four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce  toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the  Pre-Christmas pressure.     
When he went to harness the  reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and  two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows  where. 
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider  and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the  elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his  frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke  into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the  straw off the end of the broom. 
   
Just  then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the  door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great  big Christmas tree. 
The angel said very  cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I  have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick  it?' 
   
And so began the tradition of the  little angel on top of the Christmas tree. 


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on January 23, 2017, 01:30:00 PM
Quite possibly the best one I've heard yet.....  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Avra on January 26, 2017, 04:14:05 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dk1677 on January 27, 2017, 10:26:40 PM
A man answers a knock at his door, and

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 28, 2017, 07:05:23 AM
NICE ONE!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 30, 2017, 03:30:34 PM
You're An EXTREME Redneck When:


1) You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2) The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3) You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4) You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5) You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6) Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7) You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8) Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9) Your junior prom offered day care.

10) You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11) You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

12) The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13) You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14) One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16) You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17) You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 30, 2017, 07:41:29 PM
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck," the other added.


----------------------------------------------------


On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.
It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on January 30, 2017, 08:08:25 PM
Okay, since Jeff is starting the marriage jokes:

A young couple get married, and agree on their honeymoon night that they each get a jar, and agree to put a kernel of corn in the jar each time they have an extra-marital affair.

Years pass. The kids come and the kids go. And as their 50th anniversary approaches, the old woman brings up the promise of the jars. "Do you remember our promise?", she asked the old man.  His face sunk, but he shuffles off and comes back with a jar containing six kernels of corn.  "I remembered, but  I was ashamed to bring it up because I was unfaithful. And you have been such a good and lovely wife".  He looks down at his wife's jar now on the table, holding only one kernel of corn and several ten dollar bills.  "I can see you've been much more faithful than me. But I have to ask, honey, why is the money in the jar?"

"Well...every time I got a bushel I took it to market and sold it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on January 30, 2017, 08:09:45 PM
You're An EXTREME Redneck When:
1) You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

now that's just cold....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 30, 2017, 11:01:07 PM
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever!"
"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!"


-----------------------------


During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:
Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined.
2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again.
This time with a 50 million dollar offer.
Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 01, 2017, 02:55:57 AM
The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate and private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers...

Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $100. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant , from the security detail assigned to the ship, stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass???"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on February 01, 2017, 06:18:16 AM
That's funny!   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 09, 2017, 06:45:44 PM
Before I went back on the road for a living, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
It all ended when my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Groves,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Groves, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 09, 2017, 06:55:05 PM
Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for my insurance claim. In block number 3 of the accident claim form I wrote, "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain that statement more fully. I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carrying the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth-floor level. Securing, the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back down to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 22 of the claim form that my weight is 150 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded up the side of the building at a very rapid rate of speed. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

By this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel then weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to the information in block number 22 regarding my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. This second encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope, so it proceeded at a rapid decent down the side of the building, landing on and breaking both of my legs.

I hope I have furnished information sufficient to explain why "trying to do the job alone" was the stated cause of the accident.

Sincerely,

Albert G. Schmidlap
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on February 09, 2017, 07:43:00 PM
Shoulda been signed Wile E. Coyote...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 09, 2017, 08:57:02 PM
Mike, I have been looking for that insurance claim for YEARS!
Thank you for posting... It's a classic!

Oh and Jeff: We need to go shopping together!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 09, 2017, 09:11:05 PM
Mike, I have been looking for that insurance claim for YEARS!
Thank you for posting... It's a classic!

Oh and Jeff: We need to go shopping together!
Shopping (for air guns) is a great way to relieve stress.  Speaking of stress; attached is stress test that everyone should take.  Sometimes when you are under stress, you don't see the effects until it's too late.  For good mental health you should check your self early rather than later.
V
V
V
PS: I took it and I passed!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 10, 2017, 06:17:01 PM
An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.
Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."
The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you."
The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.
The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this."
The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies.
"What about your third wish?" asks the genie.
"Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars."
The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens.
"What's wrong?" asks the atheist.
The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.
The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middle aged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.’
‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient.
‘Why?’ asks the doctor.
The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 12, 2017, 10:41:03 PM
(http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/4-Girls-and-a-Pirate.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bishopsfriend on February 13, 2017, 12:31:48 AM
A recent article in "The Dominion Post" reported that Nancy Pelosi has

sued Angel Memorial Hospital, saying that after her husband had  surgery

there, he lost all interest in sex.

 

     A legal spokesman for the hospital replied:

 

"Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery.

All we did was correct his vision!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 21, 2017, 09:35:54 PM
Two golfers were on a course one day.  It just so happened that the 9th hole was near a road that ran by the golf course.

As one of the golfers was going to tee-off a funeral procession was passing by.  Seeing the funeral procession the golfer stood up, placed his hat over his heart with the club at his side as the funeral procession passed by.

After the last vehicle passed, the golfer put his hat back on and began to address the ball.

His golfing buddy broke the silence; "Fred, I've golfed with you a lot.  I thought I really knew you but that was the nicest gesture I've ever seen from you.  Did you know the deceased?"

Without looking up from the ball, Fred replied; "Yes, we would have been married thirty-seven years ago, tomorrow."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ezman604 on February 22, 2017, 09:20:18 AM
(http://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/MGalleryItem.php?id=3799)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 24, 2017, 07:19:12 PM
Take the attached psychological stress test.  I did and I passed!

EDIT:  I just realized that I already posted this stress test.  Now I can't remember if I passed it the first time or the second time I took it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: AGEnthused on February 24, 2017, 07:34:01 PM
I'll apologize in advance for this lame joke, maybe someone can improve on it.

"why are long range target shooters never satisfied?"

Because they want MOA

 :'(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 24, 2017, 07:49:01 PM
This one is for the guys on the Dark Side...

(http://i193.photobucket.com/albums/z71/Shutterbug_album/PCP%20Breakup_zpsnz1q1ojo.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 25, 2017, 07:52:32 AM
Mike, that reminded me of one...



His Diary/Her Diary

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed but he didn’t say much.  I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing”.  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.  One the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly and kept driving.  I can’t explain his behavior.  I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too”.  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep.  I cried.   I don’t know what to do.  I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Groups started growing …can’t figure out why.

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 26, 2017, 08:36:50 PM
Mike, that reminded me of one...



His Diary/Her Diary

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed but he didn’t say much.  I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing”.  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.  One the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly and kept driving.  I can’t explain his behavior.  I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too”.  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep.  I cried.   I don’t know what to do.  I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Groups started growing …can’t figure out why.
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/60/be/d9/60bed9cf58f576cb98d6ac2ffcb90641.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 04, 2017, 03:36:28 PM


                                 (https://cached-assets.patriotpost.us/images/2017-02-21-2e3ba6a5_large.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Pompilla on March 06, 2017, 07:26:30 PM
(http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/4-Girls-and-a-Pirate.png)

this one got me good, now I need to find this picture myself.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Pompilla on March 06, 2017, 07:30:27 PM
(http://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/MGalleryItem.php?id=3799)

Okay I got to be honest I had to look up the definition of hearse since I didn't know what it meant. But after I did, I felt like going to die of laughter. This is enough jokes for the day. I always come here when Ii having a rough day.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Jagd-Terrier on March 06, 2017, 08:03:40 PM
Sad but true, Australia is has become a huge joke 🙁

 abc.net.au/news/2017-03-07/female-traffic-light-signals-melbourne-pedestrian-crossing/8330560
Female traffic light signals to go up at pedestrian crossing as Committee for Melbourne tackles 'unconscious bias'
By Yvette Gray

RELATED STORY: Melbourne walk signal changed in tribute to pioneering female councillor

Pedestrian traffic lights depicting female figures will be installed in Melbourne's CBD today as a part of a lobby group's push for gender equality.

Ten female pedestrian figures will be installed on traffic lights at the intersection of Swanston and Flinders streets as part of a VicRoads-approved 12-month trial.

The Committee for Melbourne — a non-profit organisation comprising more than 120 Melbourne business and community groups — is behind the move.

Chief executive Martine Letts said having only green or red silhouettes of men discriminated against women.

"The idea is to install traffic lights with female representation, as well as male representation, to help reduce unconscious bias," she said.

Ms Letts said the group wanted to see female and male representation on all pedestrian crossings.

"We know that Melbourne is the world's most liveable city and we would really like to see Melbourne also known as the world's most equal city.
"The aim is to move towards one-to-one male and female representation across the state of Victoria."

It costs an average of $8,400 to change six traffic lights.

Ms Letts said some people had questioned the move, but said the program was backed by Victorian Governor Linda Dessau.

"Some people have expressed a little scepticism wondering whether it's gesture politics rather than having any real substance," she said.

"But these symbols are a practical and meaningful way to demonstrate that in fact 50 per cent of our population is female and should therefore also be represented at traffic lights."

The program has been funded by the Committee for Melbourne and Bayswater company Camlex Electrical.

Last year the City of Yarra paid tribute to Victoria's first female councillor, Mary Rogers, by placing her silhouette in a pedestrian crossing at a major intersection in Richmond
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 06, 2017, 08:55:35 PM
PC run amok.   ???  Sounds like our colleges & universities in the USA.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 06, 2017, 10:17:25 PM
Mike, that reminded me of one...



His Diary/Her Diary

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed but he didn’t say much.  I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing”.  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.  One the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly and kept driving.  I can’t explain his behavior.  I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too”.  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep.  I cried.   I don’t know what to do.  I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Groups started growing …can’t figure out why.
Scott..
I certainly hope you copy and pasted this from somewhere. If not, DUDE, you are sooo in touch with your feminine side.....I began to feel a bit misty........lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 07, 2017, 06:48:02 AM
Ha ha  yea Bill, I did...
 Originally it said "Bike won't start …can’t figure out why."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on March 08, 2017, 11:39:33 AM
Scott and Bill -  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on March 08, 2017, 11:50:25 AM
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a "thank-you" note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those jerks deducted $95.00 in taxes."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on March 16, 2017, 09:56:51 PM

A liberal friend asked me what I thought he might need in order to defend his home and family from home invasion.
 I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells
 A few days later he sent me this picture and asked me how to make it all work.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on March 16, 2017, 10:29:46 PM

A liberal friend asked me what I thought he might need in order to defend his home and family from home invasion.
 I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells
 A few days later he sent me this picture and asked me how to make it all work.


That's a great one. I'll have to pass that one to some friends.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: betapotato on March 17, 2017, 01:00:02 AM


                                 (https://cached-assets.patriotpost.us/images/2017-02-21-2e3ba6a5_large.jpg)
As someone that lives by a golf range, I completely agree with you  ::)
Lots of squirrels just walking around on the course, too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on March 17, 2017, 08:40:18 PM
An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.  The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:  "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman:  "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.  He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:  "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says:  "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on March 17, 2017, 08:43:05 PM
(http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/gun_lawn.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dk1677 on March 17, 2017, 08:53:19 PM
My old job was selling burglar alarm systems - door to door. And I was really good at it.

If nobody was home, I'd just leave a brochure -



on their kitchen table.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 19, 2017, 10:14:04 AM
A drunk was walking home from the pub and saw someone fixing their car
"What's wrong with it?' asked the drunk.
"Piston broke" said the man.
"So am I," said the drunk. "But what's wrong with your car?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on March 19, 2017, 10:59:31 AM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16299203_159493311217871_7646885278739362763_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 19, 2017, 01:47:21 PM
Thar' she blows!   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on March 19, 2017, 02:08:34 PM
How long was the plank you had to walk
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on March 19, 2017, 08:11:48 PM
HAHA!!

For the gardeners, if there is any
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/Its-spring-wet-your-plants_zps80c121ca.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dk1677 on March 20, 2017, 07:19:33 AM
A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com (http://www.Heaven.com). Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears.

It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com (http://www.Purgatory.com). Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on March 20, 2017, 07:43:25 AM
A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com (http://www.Heaven.com). Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears.

It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com (http://www.Purgatory.com). Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

*(&^ is the same scenario...in Windows....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 28, 2017, 02:54:28 AM
     
                        (http://i.imgur.com/X2tdzEZ.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ezman604 on March 29, 2017, 08:24:55 PM
(http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_old_people/images/as_i_grow_older.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tims229 on March 29, 2017, 08:30:08 PM
(http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_old_people/images/as_i_grow_older.png)

#s 3&8 are my favorites. Funny stuff Dave
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on March 29, 2017, 08:34:13 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/16602607_1905707659711669_4194258016096793287_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 05, 2017, 04:45:57 AM
Bank robbery


                  (https://i.imgur.com/mpzPpzm.gif)




Guy walks into a bar


          (http://i.imgur.com/BSUkzsr.gif)   

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tims229 on April 05, 2017, 07:53:40 AM
Proves criminals are not the brightest on the first one and I love the way the guy looks at the frame like he's never seen such a thing in his entire life.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 05, 2017, 11:52:26 AM
This thread has gone on long enough.  We need to shift gears and get serious.  I'll start by putting up a link on something productive.  There's nothing like a good DIY video.  This is for you shade tree mechanics...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWdqlpxRA4I (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWdqlpxRA4I)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 05, 2017, 12:07:14 PM
Priceless. 
And I did check my vehicles - I found that two had bad muffler bearings and all three needed to have the winter air removed.  These things just sort of slip up on a body if we aren’t reminded.  Thanks “Steelontarget”.   ;D ;D
EDIT:  Oh, I almost forgot to add:  If you have an import, don’t forget to ask for the METRIC muffler bearings.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 05, 2017, 12:15:05 PM
Priceless. 
And I did check my vehicles - I found that two had bad muffler bearings and all three needed to have the winter air removed.  These things just sort of slip up on a body if we aren’t reminded.  Thanks “Steelontarget”.   ;D ;D
EDIT:  Oh, I almost forgot to add:  If you have an import, don’t forget to ask for the METRIC muffler bearings.

My tire has been flat for three weeks. it's a Tong-woo, but everywhere I go they only have air for "Psi". 

.....psigh.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on April 05, 2017, 12:55:57 PM
Mine has Dagowop tires.....
They go through rain, sleet, snow, etc....
And when they go flat, dagowop, wop, wop.....
:)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 05, 2017, 01:31:10 PM
I'll give all of you another tip that comes from the 40-plus years of my aviation experience.  We use it for the aircraft but it can be used on your cars.

I don't use ordinary soap and water to wash my car.  I use good old prop-wash.  You won't find this in any auto parts stores or any of the big box stores like Walmart.  You can only purchase it at your local airport. 

Just drive out to any small airport and walk in the Fixed Base Operations (FBO) office and ask for some prop-wash.  They will know what your talking about.

Don't act like you're a non-pilot as this stuff is not sold to the general public.  Act like you are a pilot and know what you're talking about.  To look like an aviator you need to approach the receptionist with a cocky-devil-may-care attitude. If you have a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses be sure to wear them even if it's dark outside. 

If the receptionist is really attractive be sure to address her as "Baby."  All real pilots address the girls at the airports as "Baby."

If you want to save money, go to the FBOs at the larger airports.  Just walk in the front door and ask "Baby" for a 5 gallon container of prop-wash.  That sounds like a lot to get for just one vehicle but you will save money by purchasing a large amount.  If it comes in a concentrated form just ask for a one gallon can.  Most concentrated brands of prop-wash recommend you dilute it in water with a 10-to-1 mix.  For your car you only need to dilute it 40-to-1.

If you really want to save a lot of money call up Sporty's pilot shop at 1.800.776.7897.  It's not available on-line. You can only order it over the phone.  If the sales representative tells you that Haz-Mat charges apply; don't believe them. They don't know what they are talking about.  Tell them you want to talk with someone else to order the prop-wash.

Here's another tip.  Rather than going to the lawn & garden store, you can use flight-line instead of the standard weed-eater line.  So while you are getting some prop-wash ask for a spool of flight-line.  If they try to sell you the 100 foot spool don't buy it.  A little goes a long way because it's tougher than standard weed-eater line.  A 10 foot spool of flight line is all you will ever need to your weed-eater. 

Because it's marked "for aircraft use only," they will charge you an arm and a leg for it.  Don't let that scare you away from using it for your weed-eater as you pay ten times more over a ten year period if you keep purchasing the standard weed-eater line at the lawn & garden store.

If you have a little time while you're at the airport and are hungry, most restaurants on the field have a special menu for the air crews.  You won't need to order off the air crew menu. Just walk in the restaurant with the same cocky-devil-may-care attitude while wearing those sparkly Ray-Bans and tell the waitress, "I'll just have the 'high-speed-buffet' today." Be sure to address her as "baby."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 05, 2017, 02:16:10 PM
Brass magnet and a Bucket of steam.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 05, 2017, 02:37:22 PM
This new transmission will revolutionize the auto industry!

https://youtu.be/rLDgQg6bq7o (https://youtu.be/rLDgQg6bq7o)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on April 05, 2017, 02:40:41 PM
Too much rain ruins marshmallow crop in North Carolina


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23QA1tSMpfw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23QA1tSMpfw)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on April 05, 2017, 02:41:42 PM
This new transmission will revolutionize the auto industry!

https://youtu.be/rLDgQg6bq7o (https://youtu.be/rLDgQg6bq7o)

That one's a classic!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Horatio on April 05, 2017, 04:04:08 PM
I'll give all of you another tip that comes from the 40-plus years of my aviation experience.  We use it for the aircraft but it can be used on your cars.

I don't use ordinary soap and water to wash my car.  I use good old prop-wash.  You won't find this in any auto parts stores or any of the big box stores like Walmart.  You can only purchase it at your local airport. 

Just drive out to any small airport and walk in the Fixed Base Operations (FBO) office and ask for some prop-wash.  They will know what your talking about.

Don't act like you're a non-pilot as this stuff is not sold to the general public.  Act like you are a pilot and know what you're talking about.  To look like an aviator you need to approach the receptionist with a cocky-devil-may-care attitude. If you have a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses be sure to wear them even if it's dark outside. 

If the receptionist is really attractive be sure to address her as "Baby."  All real pilots address the girls at the airports as "Baby."

If you want to save money, go to the FBOs at the larger airports.  Just walk in the front door and ask "Baby" for a 5 gallon container of prop-wash.  That sounds like a lot to get for just one vehicle but you will save money by purchasing a large amount.  If it comes in a concentrated form just ask for a one gallon can.  Most concentrated brands of prop-wash recommend you dilute it in water with a 10-to-1 mix.  For your car you only need to dilute it 40-to-1.

If you really want to save a lot of money call up Sporty's pilot shop at 1.800.776.7897.  It's not available on-line. You can only order it over the phone.  If the sales representative tells you that Haz-Mat charges apply; don't believe them. They don't know what they are talking about.  Tell them you want to talk with someone else to order the prop-wash.

Here's another tip.  Rather than going to the lawn & garden store, you can use flight-line instead of the standard weed-eater line.  So while you are getting some prop-wash ask for a spool of flight-line.  If they try to sell you the 100 foot spool don't buy it.  A little goes a long way because it's tougher than standard weed-eater line.  A 10 foot spool of flight line is all you will ever need to your weed-eater. 

Because it's marked "for aircraft use only," they will charge you an arm and a leg for it.  Don't let that scare you away from using it for your weed-eater as you pay ten times more over a ten year period if you keep purchasing the standard weed-eater line at the lawn & garden store.

If you have a little time while you're at the airport and are hungry, most restaurants on the field have a special menu for the air crews.  You won't need to order off the air crew menu. Just walk in the restaurant with the same cocky-devil-may-care attitude while wearing those sparkly Ray-Bans and tell the waitress, "I'll just have the 'high-speed-buffet' today." Be sure to address her as "baby."

I put pro-seal on the castle nuts/cotter pins of the pitch change links right BEFORE the track and balance. "Spin-art" all over the canopy and one really upset plt sgt.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on April 05, 2017, 05:04:38 PM
Used to send new guys into the shop to ask for a replacement  smoke screen.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on April 05, 2017, 07:50:40 PM
Used to send new guys into the shop to ask for a replacement  smoke screen.

We used to send them for cans of squelch or boxes of grid squares. The hardcore ones we gave pieces of chalk and a ballpeen hammer and sent them to motor pool to look for soft spots in the armor.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 05, 2017, 09:27:26 PM
The guy in the tire department sent me to the parts department to get a Do-Hicky.  No Joke - there was a real tool nicknamed “Do-Hicky”.  I never learned the correct name; but it is a multi-tool for installing and removing valve stems from tires/tubes, pulling valve stems through the wheel rims, and remaking the threads inside the valve stem of a tube or the stem on the tubeless wheel.  I was more than a little surprised when the parts guy tossed the little tool up on the counter and asked if there was anything else.  :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Horatio on April 05, 2017, 11:26:04 PM
The guy in the tire department sent me to the parts department to get a Do-Hicky.  No Joke - there was a real tool nicknamed “Do-Hicky”.  I never learned the correct name; but it is a multi-tool for installing and removing valve stems from tires/tubes, pulling valve stems through the wheel rims, and remaking the threads inside the valve stem of a tube or the stem on the tubeless wheel.  I was more than a little surprised when the parts guy tossed the little tool up on the counter and asked if there was anything else.  :D

I have one. Never used any function on it except screw driver for shrader valve.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 06, 2017, 01:44:30 AM
(https://images.knifecenter.com/thumb/1500x1500/knifecenter/niteize/images/NIKMT11R3.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Horatio on April 06, 2017, 03:46:09 AM
(https://images.knifecenter.com/thumb/1500x1500/knifecenter/niteize/images/NIKMT11R3.jpg)

Was thinking of something else. Taps inside shrader threads, unscrews shrader inside, cleans outside valve cap threads, I think one other function.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 06, 2017, 06:57:26 AM
(http://cdn.backyardchickens.com/0/0a/0af03111_weldtite-schrader-valve-repair-tool-IMG19402.jpeg)

Goes back to when tires had inner-tubes.
While mounting the tire you got one side on the rim, tucked in a inner-tube, put the valve stem trough the hole and screwed this on.
That kept the valve stem from sliding back into the wheel while you used your tire irons to get the other side of the tire onto the wheel.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 06, 2017, 09:31:27 AM
(http://cdn.backyardchickens.com/0/0a/0af03111_weldtite-schrader-valve-repair-tool-IMG19402.jpeg)

Goes back to when tires had inner-tubes.
While mounting the tire you got one side on the rim, tucked in a inner-tube, put the valve stem trough the hole and screwed this on.
That kept the valve stem from sliding back into the wheel while you used your tire irons to get the other side of the tire onto the wheel.


Oh, look, a “Do Hicky”. 
Thanks Scott - brings back many good memories!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 06, 2017, 09:45:23 AM
aka valve stem tool. 

All kinda fun when you take a valve stem out with one of these and the tube has a little air and a lot of "slime" flat protectant.  ewwww.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 06, 2017, 10:20:53 AM
I use to fly in a lot of air shows back in the late 80s.  So I flew with and got to know a lot of WWII vets.

One day, one of the mechanics told me about how they would start B-17 engines in England with bungee cords wrapped around the spinner.  He told me that whenever a starter was bad on a B-17 and they had to get the aircraft off the ground for a mission the mechanics would loop a bungee cord around one of the propeller blades.  Then they would wrap a length of the bungee cord around the spinner. 

This was a long bungee cord.  After wrapping the bungee cord around the spinner they would tie the other end to a jeep.  At the pilot's signal, the driver in the jeep would put the pedal to the floor and dump the clutch thereby unwinding the cord around the spinner and turning the engine over while the pilot engaged the ignition switch and started the engine. 

My reply was, "Yeah tell me about how you used prop-wash to clean the aircraft."  I laughed at him and the other mechanics told that it was true.  They really did use bungee cords to start disabled B-17 engines.

For over thirty years, I felt that they were pulling my leg until I decided to google the bungee starting technique.

Here are a couple of links that require a bit of reading but are accounts written by the people who were there:

https://books.google.com/books?id=tTPi07FB7esC&pg=PT152&lpg=PT152&dq=bungee+cord+starting+of+WWII+airplanes&source=bl&ots=07iR9WytSp&sig=90aYMbLkZEzyP_tyIraIom26RBU&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjBnceM8o_TAhUJ9IMKHaTCCN0Q6AEILTAC#v=onepage&q=bungee%20cord%20starting%20of%20WWII%20airplanes&f=false (https://books.google.com/books?id=tTPi07FB7esC&pg=PT152&lpg=PT152&dq=bungee+cord+starting+of+WWII+airplanes&source=bl&ots=07iR9WytSp&sig=90aYMbLkZEzyP_tyIraIom26RBU&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjBnceM8o_TAhUJ9IMKHaTCCN0Q6AEILTAC#v=onepage&q=bungee%20cord%20starting%20of%20WWII%20airplanes&f=false)

https://books.google.com/books?id=s2tExFRYheoC&pg=PA108&lpg=PA108&dq=bungee+cord+starting+of+WWII+airplanes&source=bl&ots=yU1SiW0U80&sig=6BwG7RIqNZjZAm3taSjf-ze6Hcs&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjBnceM8o_TAhUJ9IMKHaTCCN0Q6AEITTAI#v=onepage&q=bungee%20cord%20starting%20of%20WWII%20airplanes&f=false (https://books.google.com/books?id=s2tExFRYheoC&pg=PA108&lpg=PA108&dq=bungee+cord+starting+of+WWII+airplanes&source=bl&ots=yU1SiW0U80&sig=6BwG7RIqNZjZAm3taSjf-ze6Hcs&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjBnceM8o_TAhUJ9IMKHaTCCN0Q6AEITTAI#v=onepage&q=bungee%20cord%20starting%20of%20WWII%20airplanes&f=false)

I could not find any vintage footage as the method may have been so common place that nobody ever thought about filming it.  Nevertheless, here's a modern video showing that starting an aircraft engine with a bungee cord is possible.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ecosb5mSDwo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ecosb5mSDwo)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 06, 2017, 10:37:16 AM
I have seen planes with smaller engines like the one in the video hand started (Prop Started).  An agricultural company I worked for, had several aircraft with Pratt & Whitney 1340s for crop dusting/fertilizing.  I don’t recall anyone ever prop starting one of these.  But the boss had an original Stearman two-wholer.  A couple of the guys would prop start that one.  I did try to prop start it myself - ONCE! 
But in all the time I worked around planes, I never saw anyone try the bungee cord trick.  Reminds me much of the smaller lawn mower pull starters.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 06, 2017, 05:34:18 PM
Too much rain ruins marshmallow crop in North Carolina

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23QA1tSMpfw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23QA1tSMpfw)
This reminds of when I use to plant tootsie rolls for the children in my neighborhood.

For the pre-school aged children in my neighborhood I use to engage them in a ritual of planting tootsie rolls.

I instituted the tootsie roll planting ritual with the 4-year-old girl next door.  We found a promising looking spot in the back yard and selected the best looking tootsie rolls in the bunch.  Make sure that the wrapper is on real tight before putting them in the ground.  Keep reading and you will see why we have to leave it wrapped.

Before planting, put 1/4 cup of sugar in a large pitcher of water.  This is to guarantee a hard outer coating on the fruit of our labors.  Any sugar will suffice but if you want to double the flavor then use unrefined brown sugar to mix with the water.

The soil where I live is very hard so I had to get a large screw driver or a section of steel rod to make a hole in the ground to place the tootsie roll.  For those of you that are fortunate to have back yards with softer soil you can dig a hole no more than 2 inches deep to plant the tootsie roll.

After placing the tootsie roll in the ground make sure it is completely covered.  Remember to pack the soil down real hard so the Horney-Winged Jack-o-lopes don't steal your candy.

You don't believe in the Horney-Winged Jack-o-lope?  This strange Cryptozoic oddity originated from Bavaria.   In Germany, this animal is called the Wolpertinger and was actually the inspiration for Mary Shelly's book "Frankenstein."  The real Dr. Frankenstein was actually a nice guy with a sense of humor. 

He also drank a lot.  With that said, some of his colleagues from the University of Munich were trying to cross breed some animals for Fredrick The Great's growing cavalry force.  It was their dream to breed a giant red stag, a snowshoe hare and a falcon together to create an animal that would be used for the Emperor's cavalry. 

The flying Pegasus idea was abandoned at the turn of the 16th century.  The first attempts at cross breeding were solely with a horse and falcon but never worked.  Dr. Frankenstein's notes were lost in a fire that destroyed his estate in 1821.  So we will probably never know the scientific rationale for using the red stag, snowshoe hare and falcon for his cross breeding experiment.   

The first attempts at cross breeding succeeded beyond Dr. Frankenstein's wildest expectations.  However, the Emperor was less than pleased.  The scientists were not able to produce any offspring any higher than 24 inches at the shoulder. I mean wing.  In a fit of anger the Emperor threw Dr. Frankenstein and his colleagues out of the Königsberg Castle. 

As he was giving them the boot he was heard to shout his oft quoted statement; "Glaubst du, ich möchte eine Armee von fliegenden Midget-Rennfahrer erziehen? Es ist nicht groß genug, um meinen kleinsten Kavallerieoffizier zu halten! Nimm dieses verdammte Ding hier raus und gehst ein paar Hühner zu!"

Which translated means; "Do you think I want to raise an army of flying midget racers? It's not big enough to hold my smallest cavalry officer! Take this darn thing out of here and go raise some laying hens!"

That doesn't fit the story that Mary Shelly wrote.  This is because her and Lord Byron were into writing tragedies and the real story of Dr. Frankenstein and his Wolpertinger was too funny to put in print.  She decided to bring a human back to life in her book and as we know became a best seller.

It's a historical fact that some careless German immigrants from Bavaria tried to tame the Wolpertinger with a little success.  It's primarily a nocturnal animal that prefers seclusion. It doesn't mix well with humans unless the egg is hatched outside the presence of the mother hen and in front of a human.  The bonding takes place when the baby Wolpertinger sees a human being instead of a mother hen Wolpertinger. 

There was no such thing as game laws and animal quarantines in the 18th century and a few Bavarian families brought a limited number of pet Wolpertingers to the new world in 1783.  The population grew and then it was almost hunted to extinction.  After that, snipe hunting took off in boy scout camps all over the US.  The Wolpertinger was all but forgotten.

We now know this amazing animal to be the Horney-Winged Jack-o-lope.  The reason you don't see them is because they fly at night to feed on the bats but that won't stop them from digging your tootsie roll up out of the ground.  Below is a photo of Wolpertinger that was mounted by a taxidermist at the Deutsches Jagd-und Fischereimuseum or German Hunting and Fishing Museum in downtown Munich.

(http://img04.deviantart.net/0f57/i/2012/101/d/c/jackalope_by_kupo404-d4vta5g.jpg)

The reason I know so much about the Wolpertinger is because my initial attempts at planting tootsie rolls failed.  I would go out to the garden in the morning and discover holes had been dug again.  There were a lot of mysterious scratch marks in the soil where I did my planting.  A friend of mine, who works as a wildlife biologist for the Ohio DNR examined the evidence when I asked for his help. He told me that it could only be the work of the Horney-Winged Jack-o-lope, aka the Wolpertinger!

The solution to my problem was simple as he explained it to me; "Mike, you need to pack the soil down real hard as the Wolpertinger is an opportunistic animal. If he's going to have to work for his food, he'll go seek something else to eat."

The answer to my problem was that simple and now you know what the Wolpertinger has to do with planting of tootsie roills.

Now the next part is very important and you must not do this yourself.  The child has to do the watering.  They may need some assistance but it's imperative that they do the watering.  One pitcher of the sugar water should be enough for six tootsie roll plants.  Let the child pour equal amounts of water on the tootsie roll "seeds."

For this next step you have to disregard all of your innate inhibitions and throw discretion out the window.  Join hands with the child and if there is more than one, all of you should join hands to form a circle.

Then all of you need to dance in a circle while singing the Tootsie Roll song from the old TV commercial.  Here is the link if you have forgot how it goes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qayjR8Qbyfc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qayjR8Qbyfc)

Oh I almost forgot; DO NOT PLANT THE TOOTSIE ROLLS IF RAIN IS FORECAST FOR THAT EVENING!  The additional downpour will drown the tootsie roll seeds and wash away the sugar water mixture.  Not only that, the soil will then be soft enough for the Wolpertinger to get the tootsie rolls you've taken such care to plant.

If you have done everything according to my instructions the child should be greeted with fresh Tootsie POPs sticking up out of the ground with the wrapper on them the next morning!

As you may surmise; word spread among the pre-schoolers in my neighborhood about Mr. Mike's Tootsie Pop plants.  So they all wanted to get in on the good deal.  I had six rows of six Tootsie Pop plants come up one morning.  As I was drinking my coffee and looking out the back window I saw each child run into my back yard, go to their assigned row and pick the Tootsie Pops out of the ground.  That was between 6:00 and 6:30 AM!  <<< That part is really true!

Oh and by the way, my friend from the DNR told me to give up on the idea of trying to trap or do some pesting with the Wolpertinger.  It's not only a state crime but is on the endangered species list in the US.  If you get caught with one, you could find yourself behind bars for a very long time.

Can you imagine explaining why you're in prison to your fellow inmates?  "Well you see... I was planting candy for the children in my neighborhood... and I also wanted to trap the Wolpertinger..."

Be careful and have fun!

(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/36/d1/b2/36d1b2acdc5d203cae2f8745636e3c1d.jpg)



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 06, 2017, 10:32:30 PM
Bravo sir! Bravo! 

encore!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 06, 2017, 10:47:51 PM
Bravo sir! Bravo! 

encore!
I'd hate to be the first guy to ever shoot a Wolpertinger.  Can you imagine the grief he would be getting?

Let's hope and pray we don't see someone foolish enough to post pictures of dead Wolpertingers on the hunting gate.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 07, 2017, 03:50:45 AM
So Mike... How long has it been since they forced you to move out of that neighborhood?
That's ok little buddy... you can stay here with us.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 07, 2017, 04:08:53 AM
So Mike... How long has it been since they forced you to move out of that neighborhood?
That's ok little buddy... you can stay here with us.


           (http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/0e/49/70/0e49708eb8f3afe62abfc260928485b1.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 07, 2017, 09:38:04 AM
You guys can laugh all you want.  Don Knotts finally had to stop laughing at Tim Conway...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoBgNR_up1A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoBgNR_up1A)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 09, 2017, 09:31:58 AM
ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

Eye halve a spelling check her,
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A check her is a bless sing;
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed too bee a joule;
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are knot maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier;
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud;
And we mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 09, 2017, 10:04:20 AM
ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

Eye halve a spelling check her,
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A check her is a bless sing;
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed too bee a joule;
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are knot maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier;
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud;
And we mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Prys less  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 09, 2017, 10:06:19 AM
ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

Eye halve a spelling check her,
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A check her is a bless sing;
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed too bee a joule;
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are knot maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier;
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud;
And we mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Prys less  ;D
Thank ewe
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 09, 2017, 10:10:21 AM
I wonder what people think that little red squiggly line under a misspelled word means?   ???
Sometimes it seems you need a decoder ring to read some people's writings.   ???

Here's a clue: right mouse click on that red underlined word & 9 times out 10, the computer's spell check will give them the correct spelling. Then just click on the correct spelling. Easy.  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 09, 2017, 10:19:11 AM
Grammar Nazis:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4vf8N6GpdM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4vf8N6GpdM)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 09, 2017, 10:30:53 AM
I wonder what people think that little red squiggly line under a misspelled word means?   ???
Sometimes it seems you need a decoder ring to read some people's writings.   ???

Here's a clue: right mouse click on that red underlined word & 9 times out 10, the computer's spell check will give them the correct spelling. Then just click on the correct spelling. Easy.  :o
Dave, were you ever a teach her?  I knot, you should have bean.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 09, 2017, 10:34:00 AM
Good one Mikes.   ;D

Last year couldn't even spell teacher, thus year I are one!   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 09, 2017, 01:43:10 PM
How would you like to be the parents of this five-year-old genius?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygnQCOahTqw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygnQCOahTqw)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 09, 2017, 02:02:38 PM
Not funny.
Last thing I want is a 5 Y/O that is smarter than I am.
It's bad enough my Dr. is half my age...
#DoogieHouser
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 09, 2017, 02:05:45 PM
Not funny.
Last thing I want is a 5 Y/O that is smarter than I am.
It's bad enough my Dr. is half my age...
#DoogieHouser
You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 09, 2017, 04:58:41 PM
You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you.

Ain't that the truth Mike!
 :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 09, 2017, 05:39:55 PM

You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you. 

And now a Supreme Court justice (49).
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rob112o on April 09, 2017, 07:34:24 PM
Did you know Syria doesn't have Walmarts?


They only have Targets...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 09, 2017, 09:35:12 PM
Not funny.
Last thing I want is a 5 Y/O that is smarter than I am.
It's bad enough my Dr. is half my age...
#DoogieHouser
Everyday, when I walked into the classroom, I knew that about half the students were smarter than I was (and I was their teacher.)  But we all had the same amount of information that we could learn.  And I knew also that I could learn more, faster than they could - I had more practice.
Knowledge is POWER!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on April 09, 2017, 10:25:11 PM
A rabbi, priest, and an imam all walk into a building....you would think one of them would have seen it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 09, 2017, 10:43:48 PM

You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you. 

And now a Supreme Court justice (49).
I use to like you until you said that.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 10, 2017, 03:17:23 AM
I use to like you until you said that.

I just heard he was 49 today and realized he's two years younger than me. That, and I noticed I remember every NHL coach and GM from when they played.
Makes me feel old.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 10, 2017, 03:22:57 AM
Anyways, back on track...


Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 10, 2017, 03:52:17 PM
A young man fresh out of seminary joins a local church and in a very short time becomes their Pastor.

He decides to visit every one in his church and comes to the home of a 90-year-old woman.  She answers the door and invites him inside.

While chatting with her, she nods off to sleep as old people sometimes do.

The young Pastor does not want to leave without saying good-bye but does not want to disturb the old woman’s sleep.

So the he decides to turn on the television set and watches the golf game with the “mute” button activated.  In the meantime, he notices a big bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and proceeds to consume the contents.

After about a half hour, the old woman wakes and notices that the bowl, once full of peanuts, is now empty.  Still a little sleepy, she looks at the Pastor then looks at the bowl then back and forth like this for about a minute.

The Pastor realizes his faux pax and begins his explanation; “Oh Mrs. Higgins, I am so terribly sorry.  You nodded off to sleep and I did not want to wake you nor did I want to be rude and leave without saying good-bye.  So I decided to watch the television and sample some of your peanuts.  Without realizing what I was doing, I made a complete pig and glutton out of myself.  Well Ma’am, I ended up eating all of your peanuts.  Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

The dear sweet little old lady took hold of the Pastor’s hand and patted it saying; “There now… Dearie… don’t you worry your head about it.  Think nothing of it.  Why ever since I had my teeth pulled all I could do was s-u-c-k the chocolate off of them.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 10, 2017, 04:18:19 PM
Here’s story that you have to follow along with in your bible.  So go get it before you read any further.

If you don’t have a bible, you can look up the verses at http://www.biblestudytools.com/ (http://www.biblestudytools.com/)

Just copy and paste the verses in the story below in the search window of the above web site.
 
Here goes…

One day, the Pastor decides to call on some of the members from his congregation.  He comes to a house and rings the doorbell but nobody answers.

That’s strange, there was a car parked in the driveway, it’s a nice day, and the windows are open.  He can also hear music coming from the radio in the living room.

He waits a few minutes and rings the doorbell several more times but there is no answer.

Seeing that nobody will answer the door he decides to leave his business card inside the door.  Adding a personal touch, he writes “Revelation 3:20,” on the back of his card.  [Go to that verse and read it now]

The following Sunday after services are over the Pastor notices that his business card has been returned to him in the offering plate.  He picks it up and turns it over.

Underneath the verse that he wrote, is another verse in another’s handwriting.  The other verse is “Genesis 3:10” [Go to that verse and read it now]

Here endeth the reading for the day
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 11, 2017, 03:26:56 AM
SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)








"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 21, 2017, 02:54:45 AM
United Airlines: New Mottos


“We put the hospital in hospitality”

 “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

 “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

 “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

 “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

 “We treat you like we treat your luggage”

 “We beat the customer.  Not the competition”

 “And you thought leg room was an issue”

 “Where voluntary is mandatory”

 “Fight or flight.  We decide”

 “Now offering one free carry off”

 “Beating random customers since 2017”

 “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

 “A bloody good airline”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 21, 2017, 11:15:55 PM
United Airlines: New Mottos


“We put the hospital in hospitality”

 “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

 “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

 “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

 “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

 “We treat you like we treat your luggage”

 “We beat the customer.  Not the competition”

 “And you thought leg room was an issue”

 “Where voluntary is mandatory”

 “Fight or flight.  We decide”

 “Now offering one free carry off”

 “Beating random customers since 2017”

 “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

 “A bloody good airline”

..........too  soon............
            ............too soon...........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 22, 2017, 03:15:07 AM

..........too  soon............
            ............too soon...........

Thanks for reminding me. I forgot: "We have both red eye and black eye flights".    :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: K_sqrd on April 23, 2017, 11:45:55 PM
Insurance

As the 93 year old lady finished her annual physical examination,
the Doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age,
Mrs. Green, but tell me, do You still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband", she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Bob, do we still have intercourse?"😱

There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a
hundred Times. We have Blue Cross!"😋

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 25, 2017, 10:23:01 PM
Coyotes have been getting really bad in our area. They even posted a new sign in my neighborhood.




                    (http://i271.photobucket.com/albums/jj138/caryc/CoyoteWarning_zpsgzihvlwf.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bishopsfriend on April 26, 2017, 09:02:48 PM
The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA).

 

The Democratic Senate is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.

 

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

 

In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

 

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

 

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

 

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

 

“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey”. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Said Sen. Dick Durbin, II: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

 

This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Maxine (WaWa) Waters, Chuck Schumer & Nancy Pelosi.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 26, 2017, 09:08:43 PM
Quote
Said Sen. Dick Durbin, II: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy...

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

(see the link in my signature)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 26, 2017, 09:17:38 PM
(http://media.ellentv.com/2016/02/09/304433-3-june-deluca-640x470.jpg) (http://www.funnysigns.net/files/baby-drinking-fountain.jpg)  (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/a6/ef/04/a6ef0420c2fdaf4de1402b8e7e175982.jpg) (http://www.octanecreative.com/ducttape/onaroll/newsletter/images/check_diaper.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 26, 2017, 09:54:36 PM
Okay, the way my mind works...

I was at church and they had a "baby changing station" sign by the women's room.  I could imagine a lady walking in with a baby...and changing it for a different baby!   ;D ;D :o :o :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 26, 2017, 10:03:14 PM
No Mark... that would be a "baby exchanging station". You will only find those in certain Hospital's nursing wards whose admins have adopted the policies outlined in post #341.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 27, 2017, 12:02:26 AM
I liked the baby changing tool chest.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 27, 2017, 12:08:20 AM
I liked the baby changing tool chest.
Also owned by the subjects referred to in post #341 thereby explaining the lack of tools present.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 27, 2017, 06:19:58 AM
The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA).

 

The Democratic Senate is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.

 

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

 

In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

 

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

 

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

 

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

 

“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey”. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Said Sen. Dick Durbin, II: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

 

This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Maxine (WaWa) Waters, Chuck Schumer & Nancy Pelosi.


This is just dumb enough to be real. Very funny.   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 27, 2017, 09:18:17 PM
(https://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/all-i-wanted-was-an-advance-on-my-allowance-to-buy-an-fwb-800-field-target-air-rifle-and-they-said-no-a7f51.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bishopsfriend on April 28, 2017, 12:03:05 AM
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.  One of the questions asked was to rearrange the  letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human  body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today.

                 

                The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on April 28, 2017, 12:05:47 AM
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.  One of the questions asked was to rearrange the  letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human  body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today.

                 

                The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

LMBO! this is seriously good stuff ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bishopsfriend on April 28, 2017, 01:03:30 PM


A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"

 

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

 

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

 

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

 

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

 

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay

 

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

 

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

 

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

 

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown

 

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"

 

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze ___________  (insert the Party of Choice) .
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on May 03, 2017, 07:06:48 PM
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/Wendy.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 04, 2017, 11:05:12 AM
With all this rain we've had, If you need to build and ark.
I Noah guy.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on May 08, 2017, 11:53:48 PM

What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with pieces of cardboard?
 
 A pillow fight.

Hah! I know it's terrible to laugh, but I laughed! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on May 13, 2017, 01:04:45 PM
This is a longer version of an old classic... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXW0bx_Ooq4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXW0bx_Ooq4)

(http://ieeexplore.ieee.org/xploreAssets/images/absImages/05328648.png)
Title: Another Light Bulb Joke
Post by: MarkTX on May 14, 2017, 12:33:28 PM
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just two... But how did they get in there?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bishopsfriend on May 20, 2017, 04:10:02 PM
Subject:  A Lonely Man on a Beach


A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

 

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

 

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

 

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on May 20, 2017, 05:46:18 PM
Good one Dave!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on May 22, 2017, 03:17:57 PM
Frickin Hillaryous, Dave, frickin hillaryous!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bishopsfriend on May 22, 2017, 08:42:48 PM
Frickin Hillaryous, Dave, frickin hillaryous!
I get it.... Hillary - arious.  That is good Bud.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 24, 2017, 07:32:27 PM
The "other" farmers daughters!An elderly old man from Florida owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back that was properly shaped for swimming. So he fixed it up nice with picnic tables Horse shoes and courts with peach and orange trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while.

Before he went, he grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared to pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presents as they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted "we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, " I didn't come down here to watch you naked women swim, or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket in the air he explained, "I'm here to feed the gators"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cactusrat on May 24, 2017, 08:18:59 PM
The "other" farmers daughters!An elderly old man from Florida owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back that was properly shaped for swimming. So he fixed it up nice with picnic tables Horse shoes and courts with peach and orange trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while.

Before he went, he grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared to pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presents as they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted "we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, " I didn't come down here to watch you naked women swim, or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket in the air he explained, "I'm here to feed the gators"


Then the farmer called out "Here gator, gator!


Good one Mike. Got me to  laughing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on May 31, 2017, 09:00:03 PM
Taste like chicken!
(http://i1116.photobucket.com/albums/k570/robnms/chicken%20but.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 14, 2017, 03:11:18 AM
What did the bra say to the hat?








"You go on a head, and I'll give these two a lift."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 15, 2017, 01:53:07 PM
(http://p.fod4.com/p/media/4070146b02/RUX7R5JSTgC9M86AsGBS_Construction%20nut%20shot.gif)





(http://p.fod4.com/p/media/4070146b02/cr415mjT0mflyf91wCnQ_Laser%20Dog.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on June 15, 2017, 08:10:29 PM
LOL! Those videos are nutty!   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on June 15, 2017, 08:36:42 PM
I took down my Rebel Flag(which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA Sticker off my front window!
I disconnected my Home Alarm System and quit the useless Neighborhood Watch!
 
I bought two Pakistani Flags and put one at each corner of the front yard!
Then I bought the black flag of ISIS(which you can buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole!

Now the local Police, Sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7!
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me!

Plus, I bought Burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel!
Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down!
 
~ God Bless the USA ~
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on June 15, 2017, 08:41:00 PM
Sad, but that might just work.    ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on June 15, 2017, 08:46:27 PM
I took down my Rebel Flag(which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA Sticker off my front window!
I disconnected my Home Alarm System and quit the useless Neighborhood Watch!
 
I bought two Pakistani Flags and put one at each corner of the front yard!
Then I bought the black flag of ISIS(which you can buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole!

Now the local Police, Sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7!
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me!

Plus, I bought Burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel!
Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down!
 
~ God Bless the USA ~

Haha! Probably based on a true story!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on June 18, 2017, 07:12:23 PM
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck.

How can you tell when a blonde has been using the computer?
There's whiteout on the screen.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Is it mine?

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb has got to want to change.







Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 21, 2017, 07:40:19 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband," Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"/color]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 21, 2017, 08:46:38 PM
I was on a long trip recently and had to make a rest stop.  I went into the men's room and immediately occupied a stall.  The rest of this story will be lacking some obvious details.  As we are all adults here, I am sure every one of you will understand.

Immediately after occupying the stall, a man got into the adjacent one.  Right after he closed the door, he asked, "Hi, how are you doing?"

I was not used to carrying on conversations with strangers in this rather unconventional manner.  Nevertheless, I assumed it was a different custom in a somewhat rural and informal area in this part of the country.  Not wanting to offend anyone, I returned the greeting and said, “I’m fine.”

He then asked, “Have you been working very hard?”

Even though I felt that this rustic gentleman’s queries bordered on the invasive I felt that there was no harm to engage in casual conversation while passing the time and replied, “Not any harder than normal.  Besides, I’m on vacation now.”

This person was becoming quite the restroom gadfly when he asked, “How is the family?  I hope none of you caught that flu that was going around a while back.”

Anyone that knows me can tell you that I do not like to be impolite but I was about ready to tell this person to mind his own business when I realized that there was not much toilet paper left in the stall.  If I hurt this man’s feelings then I might by in embarrassing straits if he refused to hand over any extra toilet paper he could spare.  So I told him, “Everyone is in good health.  A few coworkers caught the flu but everyone in my family was spared.”

I was about ready to ask him if he could spare some toilet paper when he asked, “How is the weather where you are at?”

At this point, I was overwhelmed with amazement!  How could he ask me such a stupid question?  I lost any modicum of friendliness and sarcastically replied, “Duuuuh!  It’s the same as where you’re sitting!”

There was a short pause on his end and he said, “Hey, I’m going to have to hang up and call you back.  Every time I ask you a question, there’s an idiot next door who thinks he has to answer me.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 26, 2017, 12:02:40 AM
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to *(&^.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed.

Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."

Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to *(&^ tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to *(&^. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in *(&^ Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"

Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."

St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on June 26, 2017, 12:23:46 AM
Hahahaha- great one Steelontarget! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 26, 2017, 12:27:51 AM
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bishopsfriend on June 27, 2017, 11:17:58 PM
 A woman from San Francisco who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Placerfille. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on June 27, 2017, 11:24:10 PM
PRE-RELATIONSHIP CONTRACT.....

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him)




1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.




2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho mean woman". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho mean woman," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")




3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

 

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".




5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities .




6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:

(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
 (b) we are broke, or
 (c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".


Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.




7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".)




8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his parents.




9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word. . . "Gone."




10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
 (b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that same thing";
 (c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member should seek "help";
 (d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."; and
 (e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof).


11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:

(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
 (b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
 (c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
 (d) "My analyst thinks you are . . ." (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time.)


12. MISCELLANEOUS:

(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes' notice before terminating said relationship;
 (b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks";
 (c) at the termination of said affair:

(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediary;
 (2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends;
 (3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:

"The timing wasn't right";
 "He/She wanted more than I could give";
 "He/She was too involved in his/her career";
 "He/She decided to go back with his/her

(a) girl/boyfriend;
 (b) last lover;
 (c) hometown;
 (d) therapist".


13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one (1) more shot".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bishopsfriend on June 27, 2017, 11:27:33 PM
 Service

Greetings,  I became confused when I heard the word "Service“ used with these agencies:


Internal Revenue 'Service'

Social 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV ‘Service'

Civil 'Service'

State, City, County & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service ‘meant.  But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had

hired a bull to 'Service’ a few cows.

BAM!!!  ……….. It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on June 27, 2017, 11:33:33 PM
Dave- your joke about the treehugger was funny- reminded me of an old engineer joke I heard years ago.....


****************
Three engineers were having an argument.....

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: HappyHunter on June 28, 2017, 08:13:24 PM
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence...

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replies, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asks Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute" replied  the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep" was the calm reply.

"And your still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope" said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked. "Why are you not afraid?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: HappyHunter on June 28, 2017, 09:00:06 PM
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a (supposedly) great gift for the wife... :o

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman
needs something to protect herself with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way!

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as if to say, “don't do it dummy”, reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION . ... WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE *(&^!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but
was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint
smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid… ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 10, 2017, 04:06:11 PM
 A Drill Instructor is walking down the street in Leesville, Louisiana, when he sees a young lady get hit by a bus.
She flies 30 feet in the air and all her clothes are ripped off, landing on her back with arms and legs spread out.
Trying to be a Gentleman, he takes his DI hat off and places it over her private parts to save her some embarrassment.

A young Recruit walks by and lifts the hat glancing under it. He places it back where he found it and walked away saying,

"That's the first time I seen anything under that hat that wasn't a butt hole!"

(This is for my Buddy David, LOL!)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JimQwerty123 on July 10, 2017, 07:24:03 PM
A Drill Instructor is walking down the street in Leesville, Louisiana, when he sees a young lady get hit by a bus.
She flies 30 feet in the air and all her clothes are ripped off, landing on her back with arms and legs spread out.
Trying to be a Gentleman, he takes his DI hat off and places it over her private parts to save her some embarrassment.

A young Recruit walks by and lifts the hat glancing under it. He places it back where he found it and walked away saying,

"That's the first time I seen anything under that hat that wasn't a butt hole!"

(This is for my Buddy David, LOL!)

Something tells me you were stationed at Fort Polk.

Jim
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 10, 2017, 09:12:56 PM
At Fort Puke Polk, I had one of the best and one of the worst drill instructors (Basic Training).  This was in 1965 at North Fort.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 11, 2017, 04:00:04 PM

Something tells me you were stationed at Fort Polk.

Jim

Nope. Trained at Benning, Permanent duty station was Bragg.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JimQwerty123 on July 12, 2017, 10:27:05 AM
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them for dinner.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on July 26, 2017, 07:11:56 PM
DON'T MESS WITH LOUISIANA !!!!!!!
 
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.  "Hello, Mr.President Obama," in a heavily accented Cajun voice said. "Dis' is Boudreaux, down here at Slim's in Kinder, I am callin' to tell ya'll dat we declaring war on ya!"
 
"Well Boudreaux," Barack replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
 
"Right now," said Boud, "dere's myself, my brother-in-law Thib, my next-door-neighbor Bubba, and a few other gator huntn' buddies. Dat makes eight!"
 
Barack paused. "I must tell you Boudreaux that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
 
"Wow," said Boudreaux. "call ya back!" 

Sure enough, the next day, Boud called again. "Mr Obama, da war is on! We got us some infantry equipment!"
 
"And what equipment would that be Boudreaux?" Barack asked.
 
"We got us two combines, couple of 4 wheelers, a piroque, and Thib's John Deere."
 
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
 
"Lord above", said Boud, "be gitting back to ya cher."

Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "President Obama, da war is still on! We got ourselves airborne! Bubba fixed his ultra-lite wit couple of shotguns in da cockpit, and four vets from the VFW signed up!"
 
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Boudreaux that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
 
"Oh Lord," said Boud, "Call you back."
 
Sure enough, Boudreaux called again the next day. "President Obama! Sorry to tell you dat we have called off da war."
 
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
 
"Well sir," said Boudreaux, "we all sat down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to think of it, dere's just no way our wives can make enough gumbo to feed two million prisoners."

LOUISIANA CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN !!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 26, 2017, 09:48:05 PM
Awesome Cajuns!!!!
Title: The Farmer & The Lady
Post by: ezman604 on August 03, 2017, 09:31:06 AM
One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the
bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told
him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut
and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't
take advantage of me?" The farmer said, "Heck, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God's name could I possibly do that?" The little old lady
said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 04, 2017, 11:51:34 AM
Gotta love a country girl..
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on August 04, 2017, 12:16:09 PM
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "Wit the f**k is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Get tae f**k! How big are the cats?"

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tims229 on August 04, 2017, 07:26:42 PM
Good one Whirly literally laughed out loud.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 04, 2017, 07:57:24 PM
BWA-HA-HAAA!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 08, 2017, 02:54:28 AM
The Tight Skirt

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”



The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on August 08, 2017, 03:17:57 PM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

(All the men sighed with unified relief.)

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 08, 2017, 03:57:51 PM

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!

"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 08, 2017, 04:01:28 PM
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs to find the fire hydrants."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 08, 2017, 04:02:56 PM
A man who owned a rotisserie was barbecuing a chicken in his yard when a drunk staggered by.
The drunk stood and watched for a couple of minutes and then said slowly, “Uh… I don’t want to bother you man, but your music’s stopped, and your monkey’s on fire.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Janteau1 on August 08, 2017, 04:06:03 PM
What did God say to Eve when she got out of the water ?...." NOW WE'LL NEVER GET THE SMELL OUT OF THE FISH !!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on August 08, 2017, 04:32:45 PM
A man who owned a rotisserie was barbecuing a chicken in his yard when a drunk staggered by.
The drunk stood and watched for a couple of minutes and then said slowly, “Uh… I don’t want to bother you man, but your music’s stopped, and your monkey’s on fire.”

Ha!

Good one!

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Janteau1 on August 08, 2017, 08:06:55 PM
What did God say to Eve when she got out of the water ? " NOW WE'LL NEVER GET THE SMELL OUT OF THE FISH !"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 08, 2017, 08:10:46 PM
I heard that one before...... oh wait...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Janteau1 on August 08, 2017, 10:29:37 PM
My joke keeps dissappearing
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on August 08, 2017, 11:05:41 PM
My joke keeps dissappearing

Proof that some guys just can't tell a joke!   :o ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 09, 2017, 06:53:43 AM
My joke keeps dissappearing
Nope, It's still there, twice... Eve and the fish that is.
Maybe God's trying to tell you something.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 09, 2017, 01:17:57 PM
Maybe God is female...
Any idea what lightning would do to this place?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 09, 2017, 01:51:32 PM
(https://www.chinasmack.com/wp-content/uploads/chinasmack/2014/07/nuclear-bomb-mushroom-cloud.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: A.K.A. Tommy Boy on August 09, 2017, 02:29:08 PM
(https://www.chinasmack.com/wp-content/uploads/chinasmack/2014/07/nuclear-bomb-mushroom-cloud.jpg)
                               
                                                              Oh Really ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 09, 2017, 02:48:46 PM
Now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help. GGLKI
(Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 09, 2017, 04:00:57 PM
As Thibodeaux walked down da road to his house, he saw his wife, Clotile, come out da door to meet him.  She told him:  Da pickup has water in the carburetor.  Thib asked:  How you know dat, you?  Clotile told Thib:  Because the pickup is parked in the bayou. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on August 11, 2017, 05:20:00 PM
Gotta love Walmart!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 14, 2017, 12:59:29 PM
Gotta love Walmart!
WOW !!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on August 14, 2017, 04:29:19 PM
Good gun for squirrels?

See image.

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on August 14, 2017, 06:02:14 PM
Hahahaha Whirly!
Excellent!
LMBO
:D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 14, 2017, 06:09:36 PM
Sounds just like I wrote it!

AWESOME!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 14, 2017, 06:57:30 PM
That is to funny. (http://www.myemoticons.com/emoticons/images/msn/moods/laughter.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on August 14, 2017, 09:08:07 PM
Good gun for squirrels?

See image.

-Whirly

Lol I think this ones already made an appearance in this thread, still making me laugh though!!!! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 22, 2017, 01:13:34 PM

Sheila walks into the kitchen and finds Bruce prowling around with a fly swatter, curious she asks: "What are you doing?"
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Killed any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, Sheila asks "How can you tell them apart?"
Bruce replies, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 22, 2017, 01:15:35 PM
A woman called an airline service desk inquiring if she could take her dog on board. She was told:
“Sure, as long as you provide your own kennel large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over."
Dismayed the woman responded:
"I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on August 23, 2017, 11:11:20 PM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek
Title: 25th wedding anervesary
Post by: Dan221 on August 23, 2017, 11:42:40 PM
A woman woke up one morning  and her husband was not in the bed. She said to herself it's our 25th wedding anerversary  he must be making me breakfast in the kitchen.  She went into the kitchen and saw he was on the patio drinking coffee and staring at the sky. She asked what are you looking at ? He said remember 25 years ago when you father caught us making out in my car in front of his house? She said yes so sweet of you to remember that. He then said remember when he put that shotgun in my face and said if i didn't marry you he'd put in prison for 25 years? She answered yes . He said... i'd be getting out tomorrow.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 26, 2017, 02:24:42 PM
The Sheer Nightgown....


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on August 26, 2017, 03:12:07 PM
ROTFLMFAO....  ;D :'( ;D :'( ;D
That one is priceless!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 30, 2017, 01:52:40 PM
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. that makes 50 years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I'm going to the Jim.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.    When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on August 30, 2017, 05:59:15 PM
The Missing Wife

A man's wife had gone out shopping and hadn't returned by dinner time. Concerned, he contacted the local law enforcement to file a report.

Officer: Sir, do you know what time she left?
Man: Not really. I was fixing things around the house when she left.

Officer: Ok. Do you know where she was going?
Man: Unfortunately I don't. She just said shopping.

Officer: Do you know how tall she is?
Man: Between 5ft and 5ft 6in. I believe.

Officer: About how much does she weigh?
Man: Around 120 to 140?

Officer: Hair color?
Man: A brownish, reddish color.

Officer: Eyes?
Man: I never really paid attention. Sorry.

Officer: How about what she was wearing?
Man: A blue dress... or skirt. Maybe shorts?

Officer: What about her top?
Man: Honestly, I don't know.

Officer: Ok. What about what she was driving?
Man: Oh, she took my truck. It's a Dodge 1500, midnight blue flecked two tone with white racing lines. V8, twin pipes, leather seats, full size bed, chrome running boards, 6 speed manual transmission, 6 inch lift kit, KC fog lights, 17 inch Firestone grabbers, chromoly heavy duty rims, a small dent on the rear left quarter panel and a slight crack in the taillight......

The man slowly sputters to a stop and starts sobbing. The officer says in his most comforting  voice, "Don't worry, sir. We''ll find your truck." 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on August 30, 2017, 08:10:08 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH- GOOD ONE! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 31, 2017, 03:08:09 AM
Loved that one Terry.   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on September 03, 2017, 10:17:41 PM
Found this on facebook a few minutes ago and thought WOW!! They would put this pic out there for a Garter.
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Garter/827086726?wmlspartner=dsn_fb_c556a33f-876c-4cd0-8675-d557eb1dce9e&veh=dsn&sourceid=dsn_fb_c556a33f-876c-4cd0-8675-d557eb1dce9e (https://www.walmart.com/ip/Garter/827086726?wmlspartner=dsn_fb_c556a33f-876c-4cd0-8675-d557eb1dce9e&veh=dsn&sourceid=dsn_fb_c556a33f-876c-4cd0-8675-d557eb1dce9e)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 04, 2017, 05:46:12 PM
That reminds me of an old bikini song...
"Chicka boom, Chicka boom, Don't ya just love it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 05, 2017, 04:21:39 PM
A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look. I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy &^^& they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call any one by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, Here's what I want you to do....."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 05, 2017, 04:41:50 PM
Outstanding!!!    ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 05, 2017, 04:50:20 PM
A soldier and a sailor were in a restroom relieving themselves at a urinal. The soldier finished up and after fixing his uniform, started for the door.
The sailor pipes up, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands after we do our business."
Without missing a step, the soldier replied, "In the Army, they teach us not to do our business on our hands."


It's kinda hard to dress up the language to make it appropriate for mixed audiences, so feel free to substitute shorter words where necessary....  ;) ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 07, 2017, 07:48:20 PM
Hope I haven't posted this one already.
:D

Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RAW on September 08, 2017, 04:26:14 PM
Funny jokes, I really liked the one with the blond with the broken finger and the ugly kid on the bus LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 08, 2017, 06:07:31 PM
Little Johnny Jokes are my favorite, but most are not exactly "G" rated usually "R" at best, so lets see if I can do this one "PG".

One day, the Teacher says "Class, today's Grammar lesson is to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence."
Billy in the front row raises his hand first, (as usual) so the Teacher calls on him.
He stands and says "My Father took me to the Zoo and I was Fascinated!".
Teacher says "Oh William, you used the word properly in the sentence but you added a suffix, I am looking for the root word".
Mary then raises her hand, "Yes Mary" says Teacher.
"I was staring at the stars, and was fascinated." Mary proclaims.
Teacher, now getting frustrated, says yet again "Mary, you used the word properly in the sentence but you too added a suffix, I am looking for the ROOT word, FASCINATE!"

Little Johnny in the back row has been waving his arm the entire time so the Teacher finally calls on him.... "Yessss, Johnny?"
Little Johnny says...
" My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"

Teacher faints.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 10, 2017, 10:16:44 AM
Boudreaux had a cousin named Pooh Pooh.  That’s right - Pooh Pooh Boudreaux.  Well, Pooh Pooh Boudreaux didn’t much like his name.  So he went to the judge, Theodule Thibodeaux, and asked if he could legally change his name.  Judge Thibodeaux said he could and what did he want to change it to.  Without any hesitation, Pooh Pooh Boudreaux said he wanted his new name to be Pooh Pooh Guidry.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 11, 2017, 05:19:39 AM
Two Women Talking after Dying


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Barkis on September 11, 2017, 07:22:01 AM
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

I didn't see this coming, gruesomely funny!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 11, 2017, 09:25:00 AM
(https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/21557974_10159120475755276_2204705291228178654_n.jpg?oh=836b9cfac8765e0770518f1b62d07c17&oe=5A4752A5)

Hope all is safe, dry and in good spirits.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 11, 2017, 06:55:30 PM
I fell asleep at the wheel today.
Man! What a mess.
There was clay everywhere!

I like this one! Never heard it before!

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ironman482 on September 13, 2017, 06:29:14 PM
My wife been missing for 3 days. The police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got all her stuff back
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on September 13, 2017, 06:37:53 PM
My wife been missing for 3 days. The police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got all her stuff back

oh that's cold.....   8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 13, 2017, 09:03:55 PM
Lost little Girl standing in the middle of the Mall, tears steaming down her cheeks, screaming "Grand-Pa!... GRAND-PA!"
Security Officer, seeing it too many times, asks her "Are you lost little Girl?"
"Yes", she sobs, "I lost My Grand-Pa".
Officer trying to help asks "What is his name?".... "Grand-Pa" says the poor little Darling.
"Can you describe him in detail?" the Officer asks. The Little Girl just blinks.
So the Officer tries again. "Does he have any distinguishing features to help identify him?" Again, little girl doesn't understand.
 Trying to communicate the her he finally says "What's you Grandpa like?"
She chirps right up...
 "Blondes, Churchill Cigars, and Bourbon on the Rocks"

PS: Was not my Grand Daughter ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on September 13, 2017, 09:33:52 PM
From the year 1946, at the Maple Leaf Auditorium, the Crepitation Contest:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6E5C1tBCB4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6E5C1tBCB4)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JimQwerty123 on September 14, 2017, 12:50:16 AM
Scott,

I witnessed something similar the other day, except the little boy said rifles, pistols, and scotch.

Your grandson?

Jim
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 14, 2017, 07:03:06 PM
From the year 1946, at the Maple Leaf Auditorium, the Crepitation Contest:


Makes you wonder why Monty Python came about....  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 14, 2017, 08:43:39 PM


Makes you wonder why Monty Python came about....  ;D ;D

I'm glad they did! -some of my favorite entertainment from days gone by! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 14, 2017, 09:55:40 PM
Scott,

I witnessed something similar the other day, except the little boy said rifles, pistols, and scotch.

Your grandson?

Jim

Not down there in Louisiana... but I would not put it past "Bubby" doin that up here.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on September 14, 2017, 10:21:56 PM


Makes you wonder why Monty Python came about....  ;D ;D

I'm glad they did! -some of my favorite entertainment from days gone by! :D

I always thought that British humor was a little strange.  Nevertheless, I always liked Mr. Bean and Benny Hill.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 14, 2017, 10:25:57 PM
Faulty Towers was a good follow up to Monte Python.
Yes I am a HUGE John Cleese fan.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 15, 2017, 05:03:10 PM
I liked Fawlty Towers, but not as much as SOAP...  8)
And since I don't have any clips from SOAP, here's one from Mr. Cleese...


ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "perturbed Off" to "Let's get the ^(^^%$#^." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person


And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...
--
Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 15, 2017, 05:06:37 PM


Makes you wonder why Monty Python came about....  ;D ;D

I'm glad they did! -some of my favorite entertainment from days gone by! :D

I always thought that British humor was a little strange.  Nevertheless, I always liked Mr. Bean and Benny Hill.

Benny Hill will ALWAYS be my favorite. I remember staying up with an earphone plugged into the TV just to watch him without getting caught when I was around 9 or 10. In black and white, no less....  ;D  That was back when the censors didn't catch everything....  8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 15, 2017, 05:27:50 PM
I liked Fawlty Towers, but not as much as SOAP...  8)
And since I don't have any clips from SOAP, here's one from Mr. Cleese...

OH How I loved watching SOAP!

https://youtu.be/OSaNWYHmUvI
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 15, 2017, 05:33:38 PM
I liked Fawlty Towers, but not as much as SOAP...  8)
And since I don't have any clips from SOAP, here's one from Mr. Cleese...

OH How I loved watching SOAP!

https://youtu.be/OSaNWYHmUvI

LOL! Yep!! Gotta love it. With all the specialty channels on OTA tv, I have yet to find the one that has SOAP.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 20, 2017, 02:00:54 PM
(http://www.derekodwyer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/we-waited.jpg)


(http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/z-funny-pictures-3-2.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on September 20, 2017, 07:42:36 PM
So true!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JimQwerty123 on September 20, 2017, 07:52:47 PM
(http://www.derekodwyer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/we-waited.jpg)



I've been tempted to do that a couple of times.

Jim
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 22, 2017, 03:36:17 PM
They found Nemo....


(https://forums.majorgeeks.com/attachments/finding-nemo-jpg.228993/)


(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/c9/8f/b4/c98fb4f6266aa75355c96049e0cba5d1.jpg)
(https://forums.majorgeeks.com/attachments/funny-pictures-computer-geek-auto-842059-jpg.229010/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on September 22, 2017, 05:11:10 PM
(http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/z-funny-pictures-3-2.jpg)

That picture reminds of another little girl.  If you don't like traveling by air, then you have something in common with this two year old.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbn7SHmkvJs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbn7SHmkvJs)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on September 26, 2017, 02:16:39 PM
My fren Boudreaux was out in da field visiting wit Thibodeaux one day.

Thibodeaux say, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well mom ami, it's completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know, an I jus' can't get rid of dem tings."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux say, "Mais cher, what's a bull constriptor?"

Boudreaux explains, "Mais, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at one time."

Well da nex day, Thibodeaux went down to Klibert's Reptile Farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched.

Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean a very long time, an dere wasn't nuttin' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hisself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus' run all around.

So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he call up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake you gave me. Dem rats is still runnin' all around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long him."

Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. You need to give dat snake some Viagra."

Thibodeaux say, "What? Viagra!?! What's dat gonna do mon ami?"

Boudreaux say, "Mais, I hear about it all da time on da radio, and da man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on September 28, 2017, 08:36:11 AM
A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money.  He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.

On his deathbed he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"

His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.

So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.

The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"

The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"

"I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 29, 2017, 07:24:39 PM
A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money.  He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.

On his deathbed he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"

His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.

So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.

The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"

The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"

"I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."

Upvote!  :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JimQwerty123 on September 29, 2017, 09:16:06 PM
A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money.  He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.

On his deathbed he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"

His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.

So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.

The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"

The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"

"I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."

And the check cleared the bank.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on September 29, 2017, 09:18:02 PM
A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money.  He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.

On his deathbed he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"

His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.

So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.

The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"

The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"

"I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."

And the check cleared the bank.

 :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 27, 2017, 04:47:54 AM
Buying a New Car - Old man’s method:

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini-skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply:

"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to that lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.


"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."


Once again.... don't mess with seniors.    :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 27, 2017, 09:23:56 AM
Famous last words

It's fireproof.
-----
What does this button do?
-----
Are you sure the power is off?
-----
Pull the pin and count to what?
-----
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
-----
I wonder where the mother bear is.
-----
I've seen this done on TV.
-----
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
-----
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
-----
Let it down slowly.
-----
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
-----
This doesn't taste right.
-----
So, you're a cannibal.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 27, 2017, 12:55:58 PM
One more to add Gary; "Hold my beer and watch this".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JimQwerty123 on October 27, 2017, 12:58:42 PM
Gary,

Here are some more for your collection:

"Its not loaded."

WC Fields - "I'm looking for loopholes."

"Well this not worthy"

Rodney Dangerfield - "There goes the neighborhood"

"Don't Laugh. You're next."

"I told you I was sick."

"Over my dead body."

"My parachute! Where's my parachute!?!"

"Hey y'all . . . Watch this!"

"Oops!"

"Oh [fill in the blank].













Jim
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on October 27, 2017, 04:49:14 PM
How do you know it's cold enough to slow down for ice?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 27, 2017, 06:05:06 PM
Louisiana response:  I give up - How do you know it's cold enough to slow down for ice?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 27, 2017, 10:21:10 PM
What's the difference between pink and purple?
......
Your grip.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 29, 2017, 09:43:06 AM
Nun Gossip....................The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."
The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I burned them."
The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Radrob on October 29, 2017, 12:45:53 PM
It always seems that way.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on October 29, 2017, 05:59:49 PM
Why don't ants ever get sick?


They have tiny anty-bodies.


-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: nolimit2217 on October 29, 2017, 08:26:43 PM
Hillary Clinton.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 29, 2017, 10:40:26 PM
How do you know if your buddy is capable of murder ?
Dry fire his favorite springer and see what happens.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on October 29, 2017, 11:54:40 PM
Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud.
The passenger, Bubba,said. "Lookey thar up ahead, Gator, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!
"Don't worry Bubba" Gator said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
 "What fer?" Asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin okay?" Said Gator.
Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sherriff said, "You boys been drinkin?".
 "No sir" Gator said. "We're on the patch."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tims229 on November 02, 2017, 12:38:33 AM
Did you know the original spelling of Canada was CND until they learned to spell, then it became cA nA dA. Better when it's told verbally 😉  No offense to our Canadian brethren.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on November 02, 2017, 08:04:17 AM
It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker.

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on November 02, 2017, 10:04:37 AM
It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker.

-Whirly
...groan....   ;D   ;D     ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on November 02, 2017, 09:21:27 PM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it! ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ezman604 on November 06, 2017, 09:55:56 AM
OUR FUTURE ………??
 
Hello! Is this Gino's  Pizza?

No sir - it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.
 
No sir - Google bought Gino's Pizza last month.
 
OK.  I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual - you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.
 
OK - that's what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?

What?  I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the *(&^ do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
 
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!   I already take medication for my cholesterol.
 
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.
 
I bought more from another drugstore

That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
 
I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
 
I have other sources of cash.

That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
 
WHAT THE HECK? ! ! ! !

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you..

Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!!   I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!
 
I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ezman604 on November 06, 2017, 09:56:56 AM
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription
... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ,’Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
 
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv.  What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
 
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper – so I’d be in your hands all day
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!
 
Husband  to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.” 
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband –
“Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said,
“I will leave you one fine day.”  I was just trying to remind you  ......”

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on November 06, 2017, 01:30:57 PM
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription
... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ,’Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
 
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv.  What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
 
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper – so I’d be in your hands all day
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!
 
Husband  to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.” 
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband –
“Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said,
“I will leave you one fine day.”  I was just trying to remind you  ......”
It should be.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mr. Panther on November 06, 2017, 03:29:04 PM
I'm happy with my wives, they don't live with me ha ha ha
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 06, 2017, 03:48:38 PM
I still miss my Ex...
But my aim is improving.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on November 06, 2017, 03:49:49 PM
I have room in the back yard for one more.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on November 06, 2017, 03:52:51 PM
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription
... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."
It should be.

This story from the "Listener," an Oswego, NY newspaper from November 1899.

On one of the recent warm days a sour-visaged, fussy lady got on one of the smoking seats on an open car in the subway.

Next her sat a man who was smoking a cigar. More than that, the lady, sniffing, easily made out that the man had been eating onions. Still more than that, she had the strongest kind of suspicion that he had been drinking beer. The lady fussed and wriggled, and grew angrier, and looked at the man scornfully. Presently she could endure it no longer. She looked squarely at him and said:

“If you were my husband, sir, I’d give you a dose of poison!”

The man looked at her. “If I were your husband,” said he, “I’d take it!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 06, 2017, 04:24:38 PM


I have room in the back yard for one more.
Nice... garden hose and a cinder block in the lake here will do just fine.
not that I have thought about it or anything. ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on November 19, 2017, 08:02:04 PM
An appropriate joke for this time of the year.  Johnny Carson told this one:

We were really poor when I was a kid.  One year Mom brought home a tom for Thanksgiving dinner and cooked it.
Ya know, with lots of gravy on it cat doesn’t taste that bad. 
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on November 21, 2017, 10:34:08 PM
An appropriate joke for this time of the year.  Johnny Carson told this one:

We were really poor when I was a kid.  One year Mom brought home a tom for Thanksgiving dinner and cooked it.
Ya know, with lots of gravy on it cat doesn’t taste that bad. 
 
can't taste any worse than a turkey 😁
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Slippy117 on November 21, 2017, 11:10:24 PM
    How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    1 to move it to the Lighting section
    2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    5 to flame the spell checkers
    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
    6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
    13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
    1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time...
   

Whatever you're trying to say, I think that about sums it up.... ;D


Me too!


Well its not exactly 6 months, but close enough!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on November 22, 2017, 06:59:46 AM
I looked upon Tater's post rather dimly.  8) ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 22, 2017, 11:45:47 AM
...leaves me in the dark.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on November 22, 2017, 03:06:23 PM
Thanks for the post. It lightened up my day!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tonykarter on November 22, 2017, 05:48:56 PM
Pardon if previously posted:

What is the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead attorney in the middle of the road?  There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 22, 2017, 06:09:10 PM
Gotta Love Little Johnny... ;)


Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."


 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on November 23, 2017, 04:59:51 PM
A friend just told me.. I think there is a video, but I don't have it to share.

"The 8 seconds test" (rodeo challenge)

Inside a room, there is a girl laying on a couch.  His boyfriend lays beside her, whispers love words, softly touch her hair, then he kindly sits over her, start to smell her neck, and tells her - "don't know why, your smell is remembering me my ex.."

..raise his arm and turns on the stopwatch!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 23, 2017, 05:08:40 PM
I know a similar joke... but on a different "Non Family" level.
 ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tonykarter on November 23, 2017, 09:20:19 PM
[quote"don't know why, your smell is remembering me my ex.."

..raise his arm and turns on the stopwatch! ][/quote]


I am STILL laughing!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Frank on November 28, 2017, 11:16:15 AM
Robin Williams AS The American Flag

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Q_L1vLv84vs?autoplay=1 (https://www.youtube.com/embed/Q_L1vLv84vs?autoplay=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: chuckinohio on November 28, 2017, 11:57:27 AM
  A magician gets a job on a cruise line to entertain passengers.
  During the magicians act, the Captains pet parrot blows the gig every time spouting off "it's up his sleeve" "It's under his hat" etc. and ruins his act.
  That night the ship hits ye olde iceberg and sinks, leaving the magician floating on a wooden door in the ocean with the danged parrot perched on the other end just giving him the stink eye.
  The Magician refuses to acknowledge the parrots presence since it ruined his act, so for two days the parrot just sits there and glares at him.
  Finally at sundown on the second day, the parrot squawks and says "OK I give, where's the boat"?

 




 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: WesBob on November 28, 2017, 11:34:47 PM
Why don't ants ever get sick?

Lol!
They have tiny anty-bodies.


-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: chuckinohio on November 29, 2017, 11:09:58 AM
  Young Johnny saves up his paper route money and goes to the local house of ill repute to have his first experience with a lady.

  The madam says "You're awful young Johnny, you need to practice" and tells him to go find a knothole and get his game refined.

  Johnny comes back 2 days later and says he's ready so the madam introduces him to Arlene and they retire to the next room.

  Within 5 minutes the madam hears some loud cracks and hideous squalling so she rushes in to see Johnny hitting Arlene about the behind with a broom stick.

  The Madam says "Johnny what in the blue blazes are you doin" to which Johnny replies " Checkin for Bees"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ezman604 on November 29, 2017, 11:17:58 AM
Very funny but heart warming at the same time. He put a lot of thought into this.
LOL

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0 (https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 29, 2017, 02:17:40 PM
Very funny but heart warming at the same time. He put a lot of thought into this.
LOL

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0 (https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0)


I really liked that, thanks for posting it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on November 29, 2017, 03:43:13 PM
Not sure if I posted this one... too many pages to look...
A doe staggered out of the woods with her fur all mangled and cross eyed.... "I'll never do THAT for two bucks again " !!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on November 29, 2017, 05:09:26 PM
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact, had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, surprisingly, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 29, 2017, 06:56:21 PM
HAHA!

That reminded me or this one....

Sam called into work one monring saying "Boss, I can not come in today, I have a Migraine Headache."
His Boss, trying to help, said "Sam, when I have a Migraine, I make love to my wife and the pain is relieved."
Sam calls back 2 hours later... "Boss, it worked!  I will be in before lunch.... and by the way.... you got a nice house!"

 :o
 ::)
 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on November 29, 2017, 07:00:34 PM
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve," says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 05, 2017, 02:42:48 PM
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.

It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.

But now...






They're just sluggish.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on December 05, 2017, 03:08:39 PM
like this one ?

I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.

It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.

But now...

They're just sluggish.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 05, 2017, 03:24:34 PM
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.

It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.

But now...






They're just sluggish.

jerry, you should be banned from this topic for that one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 05, 2017, 03:30:24 PM
jerry, you should be banned from this topic for that one!

I can't disagree with that.    :-[
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on December 05, 2017, 09:04:49 PM
"Flat-Earthers" have nothing to fear...








But sphere itself.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ben in Va on December 05, 2017, 10:38:20 PM
  Young Johnny saves up his paper route money and goes to the local house of ill repute to have his first experience with a lady.

  The madam says "You're awful young Johnny, you need to practice" and tells him to go find a knothole and get his game refined.

  Johnny comes back 2 days later and says he's ready so the madam introduces him to Arlene and they retire to the next room.

  Within 5 minutes the madam hears some loud cracks and hideous squalling so she rushes in to see Johnny hitting Arlene about the behind with a broom stick.

  The Madam says "Johnny what in the blue blazes are you doin" to which Johnny replies " Checkin for Bees"

You know since we're talking about bees,

Do you know what species of bees make milk?







Boo-bees =)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ben in Va on December 05, 2017, 10:39:02 PM
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.

It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.

But now...






They're just sluggish.



HA!  I like that one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 06, 2017, 02:16:42 AM
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.

It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.

But now...






They're just sluggish.



HA!  I like that one!

DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 06, 2017, 05:10:16 PM

HA!  I like that one!

DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!

Just for that:

What happened when the frog's car broke down?




It had to be toad.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ben in Va on December 06, 2017, 06:10:57 PM
I recently became involved in the sport of racing snails.

It dawned on me that if I removed the heavy shell the snail would be able to move faster.

But now...






They're just sluggish.



HA!  I like that one!

DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!

My bad  =)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Novagun on December 06, 2017, 06:18:57 PM
Middle aged man sitting in the barbers chair said to the barber, "I have to tell you I have HIV.
Barber stepped back a bit mystified.
Man said" Yeah pretty bad, hair is vanishing."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 06, 2017, 06:48:14 PM
My barber normally charges others $15 for a haircut.  For me, he charges only $5 to cut mine.  But he charges an additional $10 to search for it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on December 06, 2017, 06:54:44 PM
My barber normally charges others $15 for a haircut.  For me, he charges only $5 to cut mine.  But he charges an additional $10 to search for it.

LOL!
I'm not losing my hair so much as it is migrating to other areas....  ::) ears, nose, back, shoulders, pillowcase...  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 06, 2017, 06:55:49 PM
Moses and Jesus are out on the sea in a boat fishing.
Jesus says "Hey Moses, do you think we can still perform our old miracles after all these years?".
Moses says "I don't know... it's been a long time, Let me give it a try".
He stands in the boat, puts his palms together and then spreads his arms wide.... and the sea parted!!
Jesus, then steps out of the boat to walk on water... takes two steps an plunges!
Swimming to the surface, grasping for breath, Jesus says "I don't get it... You still have your power, but I don't have mine, The Lord has foresaken me!"

Moses says "Think about it, last time you didn't have those holes in your feet."



Yes, I know ... express elevator down... but it makes ME laugh.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 18, 2017, 02:47:48 PM
  GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS

(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=4723adbd4a&view=fimg&th=1606aef75825baee&attid=0.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ_J2x-x67mN4Gh08VihfEL6McQh948Rkym5Cjxo_Y68GybG-v-j4dUfHOAcx9xsg96E1CMJIyJ94N9iCREKnXeN9CL_YBT-mD-2vAuiXBcNVZJwJBorD6-05zw&sz=w1238-h380&ats=1513622592939&rm=1606aef75825baee&zw&atsh=1)

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer..

Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
 
****If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ......... Your life is in trouble.
 
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
 
****A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... Neither of whom can putt very well.
 
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure.One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.The next day you go out and for no reason at all your game really stinks!
 
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.


Seniors Day at the course

(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=4723adbd4a&view=fimg&th=1606aef75825baee&attid=0.2&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ_uzBE48dyK005zgCumicDiOlf-fD_PsaDEkGggF1ucQzRYdHX8CHOW-R-z_rd5spIA3kXt3keql3YMX5IafvYUa8FUxVrlOm_-o4yojK2BfWcBDSwpJ-rfI_c&sz=w962-h984&ats=1513622592939&rm=1606aef75825baee&zw&atsh=1)
[/color][/u][/b]

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BTair on December 19, 2017, 02:35:28 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/fGljjsp.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on December 19, 2017, 09:28:43 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/fGljjsp.gif)

LOL!! That is funny!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on December 19, 2017, 09:35:12 PM
  GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS

(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=4723adbd4a&view=fimg&th=1606aef75825baee&attid=0.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ_J2x-x67mN4Gh08VihfEL6McQh948Rkym5Cjxo_Y68GybG-v-j4dUfHOAcx9xsg96E1CMJIyJ94N9iCREKnXeN9CL_YBT-mD-2vAuiXBcNVZJwJBorD6-05zw&sz=w1238-h380&ats=1513622592939&rm=1606aef75825baee&zw&atsh=1)

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer..

Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
 
****If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ......... Your life is in trouble.
 
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
 
****A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... Neither of whom can putt very well.
 
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure.One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.The next day you go out and for no reason at all your game really stinks!
 
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.


Seniors Day at the course

(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=4723adbd4a&view=fimg&th=1606aef75825baee&attid=0.2&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ_uzBE48dyK005zgCumicDiOlf-fD_PsaDEkGggF1ucQzRYdHX8CHOW-R-z_rd5spIA3kXt3keql3YMX5IafvYUa8FUxVrlOm_-o4yojK2BfWcBDSwpJ-rfI_c&sz=w962-h984&ats=1513622592939&rm=1606aef75825baee&zw&atsh=1)
[/color][/u][/b]

I used to laugh at golfers. 
Look at those funny clothes!
Paying crazy money for their special gear!
Paying crazy money to walk around and play in somebody else's yard!

.......then I took up 3D archery......

funny clothes...check
special gear... (big) check
pay to play....check

humility sets in....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Spark Master on December 20, 2017, 12:50:18 AM
fresh in today


A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual  Italian funeral procession approaching the
nearby  cemetery.  A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about  50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a  leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking  in single file.  The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral
is it?"

"My wife's."

 ''What happened to her?"

 "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

 He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

 "My mother-in-law.  She came to help my wife and the dog turned on
her and killed her also."

 A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood
and silence passed between the two men.

 The Jewish man then asked softly--"Can I borrow the dog?"

 The Italian man replied, "Get in the line.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Spark Master on December 20, 2017, 12:52:28 AM
Golf is a nice easy hike spoiled by a little white ball!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 20, 2017, 11:07:46 AM

A driver was pulled over for speeding by a police officer. As the officer
was writing the ticket, she noticed several swords in the car.

"What are those for?" she asked.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer requested.

So he got out the swords and started juggling them: first three, then more,
finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on
a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

As another car passed by, the driver did a double take looking at the cop
and the juggler, and said, "My! That's one tough sobriety test!"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 20, 2017, 11:35:02 AM
A Christmas Special
Santa was very, VERY busy in the weeks before Christmas help the elves in the workshop, repairing on the sleigh, tending to a slight injury that Rudolph sustained, and reading the millions of letters from children around the world when a little angel appeared to him.  She told Santa that she had noticed that the Christmas tree had not been put up and decorated yet.  Santa dismissed the little angel by telling her:  Later!  I am too busy now.
Santa and the elves kept working when, a few day later the little angel appeared again and told Santa that she still didn't see the tree.  Santa again said:  Later!  I am still very busy.
And again a few day later, the little angel was back bothering Santa and this time had brought a tree.  Santa [a little angry now] told the little angel that too many things were much more important than a tree that no one would see anyway.  And Santa finished the discussion by telling the little angel where she could put the tree.
And that, my friends, is how the angel has become the crowning glory of so many Christmas trees.
Merry Christmas all!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Spark Master on December 20, 2017, 02:40:00 PM
A Christmas Special
Santa was very, VERY busy in the weeks before Christmas help the elves in the workshop, repairing on the sleigh, tending to a slight injury that Rudolph sustained, and reading the millions of letters from children around the world when a little angel appeared to him.  She told Santa that she had noticed that the Christmas tree had not been put up and decorated yet.  Santa dismissed the little angel by telling her:  Later!  I am too busy now.
Santa and the elves kept working when, a few day later the little angel appeared again and told Santa that she still didn't see the tree.  Santa again said:  Later!  I am still very busy.
And again a few day later, the little angel was back bothering Santa and this time had brought a tree.  Santa [a little angry now] told the little angel that too many things were much more important than a tree that no one would see anyway.  And Santa finished the discussion by telling the little angel where she could put the tree.
And that, my friends, is how the angel has become the crowning glory of so many Christmas trees.
Merry Christmas all!



oooohhhh that smarts
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 20, 2017, 05:07:22 PM
A Christmas Special
Santa was very, VERY busy in the weeks before Christmas help the elves in the workshop, repairing on the sleigh, tending to a slight injury that Rudolph sustained, and reading the millions of letters from children around the world when a little angel appeared to him.  She told Santa that she had noticed that the Christmas tree had not been put up and decorated yet.  Santa dismissed the little angel by telling her:  Later!  I am too busy now.
Santa and the elves kept working when, a few day later the little angel appeared again and told Santa that she still didn't see the tree.  Santa again said:  Later!  I am still very busy.
And again a few day later, the little angel was back bothering Santa and this time had brought a tree.  Santa [a little angry now] told the little angel that too many things were much more important than a tree that no one would see anyway.  And Santa finished the discussion by telling the little angel where she could put the tree.
And that, my friends, is how the angel has become the crowning glory of so many Christmas trees.
Merry Christmas all!
Good one, I believe someone posted if last year but still a good joke.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: nced on December 20, 2017, 05:15:30 PM
Santa took up gardening so he could HoHoHo all summer!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on December 20, 2017, 07:53:05 PM
***groan***
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 20, 2017, 08:13:05 PM
Texan travels across the pond and wanders into an Irish Pub...
Feeling his oats yells out "I'll give a $100 dollars to anyone who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back!"
No one in the pub moves...
Again, the Texan yells "$100 Dollars! I hear ya'll can drink... well... bring it on dag gum it!"
No one even stirs... all but Shawn who gets up and leaves.
A short while later Shawn returns, and asks the Texan " Aye Laddy, is yer wager still good... $100 dollars?"
"Darn Tootin" says the Texan who lines up the pints on the bar and Shawn knocks them down one after another... BAm BAm BAm.

Texan astonished says "Fine! So here be yer $100... but I gots 'ta ask ... How come ya'll left before taking the bet?"

Shawn calmly replies...
"Well... first I had to go to O'Malie's Pub and make sure I could do it!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 20, 2017, 09:01:44 PM
This just in....
Caitlyn Jenner has come forward stating the Bruce fondled her 50 years ago.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on December 21, 2017, 12:17:32 AM
Hahahahahahahah!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on December 22, 2017, 02:38:34 PM
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know"! the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me"!

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 22, 2017, 04:24:39 PM
LOL.... that's funny.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 22, 2017, 05:05:28 PM
No comment!   >:(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 23, 2017, 12:54:23 PM
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your genes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 23, 2017, 01:06:33 PM
*smirk*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 25, 2017, 06:08:35 PM
*smirk*

Alright, just for you:

A 71 yer old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar.

Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want 100 dollars, and there's another condition."

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what the condition is.
"you have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Novagun on December 25, 2017, 07:58:16 PM
"Paint my House."
Good one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on December 26, 2017, 08:43:31 AM
Two silkworms had a race...



It ended up in a tie.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Racer X on December 26, 2017, 09:26:17 AM
An Irishman and Englishman and a Scotsman are ina bar in New York. The Scotsman says I miss my bar in Glasgow. Every fourth drink is free and the bartender will give you free food also. The English mans says the bar in London is better. After two drinks the third one is free and they have all you can eat buffet for the locals on Monday. The Irishman says he likes his bar best. After one drink you can drink all night and they pay for the drinks. Dinner is always free . Then they will take you upstairs and see to it you get laid . The Englishman and Scotsman don’t believe him. They say Reallly ?? This is really how it is there? The Irishman says yes really ask my sister.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on December 26, 2017, 03:41:56 PM
Anyone want to swap? I have the four bananas all set to ship. (https://imgur.com/a/JINuc)


-Whirly



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on December 29, 2017, 01:32:42 AM
An elderly English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.  She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country.  The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent.  She loved the house and decided to rent the room.  Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall.  (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.)  So she immediately e-mailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.”  So he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.”  Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Mrs. Smith,

I look forward to your move.  Regarding your question about the location of the W.C.; the closest one is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees.  It is open on Wednesday evenings and on Sundays.

The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 230 people.  Most people choose to go there on Sunday.  I suggest you plan to go on Wednesday evenings when there is a special sing-along with an organ accompanist.  The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded.  The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it.  Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed in before things start, but not always.  It is best to go early if you can!

The W.C. dates back to the 17th century.  As such, it lacks modern heating and air conditioning.  In the winter, a large fireplace heats it and the body warmth from the big crowd has a very cozy effect.  During the summer months, the doors and windows are left open for ventilation.  The cool breeze off the nearby lake is very refreshing.

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband.  I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom.  There were two people to a seat normally occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share.  It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.  My wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was all over.  We were very exhausted.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters.  The community is planning a bazaar to raise money for plush new seats, since everyone feels it is long overdue.  The old ones are a little cracked and worn.  Even so, the coarse wood grain has a certain old world charm that you can appreciate. 

Because of my responsibilities in town, I cannot go as often as I used to.  In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year.  I can tell you I really miss going regularly. 

Please plan on going with our family for your first visit.  It would be my pleasure to introduce you to everyone and show you around the place.  I can reserve us the best seats so you can get a good view of the entire W.C.

There is a special time set aside for the children so that they will not disturb the elders.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: pneuby on December 29, 2017, 03:56:05 AM
A gent on a business trip walks from his hotel to the nearby Bobinski's Pub to have some drinks and dinner.
Several drinks in, and feeling bold, he asks the bartender, "Bartender, what you like to hear my best Polish joke?"

The bartender gets a stern look on his face and replies,

 "Fella, my name's Stosh, and you ought to be careful with such things here at Bobinski's.
Ya see that strapping blonde gent at the corner booth? That's Ivan, and he's a telephone lineman.
That big bruiser at the far end of the bar? That's Viktor, and he's an iron-worker.
Oh, and that fella at the table with lady-friend is Karl, and he's a former middle-weight boxer.....

Now, are ya really SURE you wanna go tellin' a POLISH joke?"


The businessman ponders a moment and say.....

Naw, you're right. I wouldn't wanna have to explain the danged thing FOUR TIMES!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 29, 2017, 07:01:09 AM
How do you know when you are drowning in Milk?


When it's pasteurize.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on December 29, 2017, 08:33:11 AM
Ohhhhh....groannnnnnn. hahahaha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 29, 2017, 09:00:31 AM
 A guy was convicted of writing bad check and sentenced to nine months and 17 days in the county lockup.  Because this was a rather poor county, the library for the prisoners had only a few books and only ONE joke book. 
The first weekend he was locked up, the guys were all allowed to go to the yard where they could gather and visit.  Several were sitting around on the yard telling jokes.  It seems that the jokes were all from that ONE joke book.  So, first one prisoner, would say:  Number 52!  And everyone would laugh except the new guy.  Then another prisoner would say:  Number 117!  Again everyone laughed except the new guy.  He asked the guy next to him what were they doing.  The answer was that they had all read the ONE joke book and the jokes were all numbered.
The following week, he checked out the ONE joke book from the library and memorized all the joke and their numbers.  So, when the weekend came around and they went out to the yard, he asked if he could tell a joke.  He then went on to say the number of his favorite joke:  Number 69!  Not even one person laughed. 
He asked later what he had one wrong.  He was told:  Some people just don't know how to deliver the punch line.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 29, 2017, 01:54:24 PM
I was talking to a Job Supervisor the other day.
I told him I had to go check on My Slinkys.
"Why do you call those Guys Slinkys?" He asked me.
I replied...
"Cause they are pretty useless to me but still put a smile on my face when I toss them down the stairs"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: 1nmartin on December 29, 2017, 02:45:59 PM
Have you heard about the corduroy pillows?
They're making head lines
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 30, 2017, 04:48:59 AM
(https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP.Whhn2CvzDOAlJ3Fm1J954QEsDe%26pid%3D15.1&f=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 30, 2017, 08:04:50 AM
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete @@@ of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s a jerk,” John said. “wet on him.”
“You did,” came the reply, “and he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did! You’re back at work on Monday.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 30, 2017, 03:05:57 PM
Dang, forgot to post my Holiday Desktop Background here for you all.
Hope it's not too late... oh well, there is always next year. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on December 30, 2017, 04:02:48 PM
Now that’s funny. I don’t care who you are. 😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: rpopeye on January 05, 2018, 02:24:42 PM
One blonde to another: - Yesterday took the car to a garage, thought they would try to cheat me, you know, because I am a woman. - Well, and how did it go? - Ah, all good, turns out I only needed new fluid for the blinkers.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on January 05, 2018, 02:39:27 PM
One blonde to another: - Yesterday took the car to a garage, thought they would try to cheat me, you know, because I am a woman. - Well, and how did it go? - Ah, all good, turns out I only needed new fluid for the blinkers.

And the air in the tires had to be changed!   ;D

Do you know what you call a brunette sitting between two blondes?   

A translator!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: rpopeye on January 06, 2018, 02:39:50 AM
Do you know what you call a brunette sitting between two blondes?   

A translator!!!
;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on January 06, 2018, 08:55:00 AM
Two blondes are driving down the road in a car pretty quickly when the driver notices a police car pulling out as she goes by.  She says to the passenger, "look back and see if the cop has his red lights on".

The passenger looks back and says, "yes. no. yes. no. yes. no. yes. no..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: rpopeye on January 06, 2018, 09:26:54 AM
 ;D

A blonde can change her color, but not her IQ.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on January 06, 2018, 09:29:52 AM
 5 Blondes standing in a row ... = Wind Tunnel  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on January 06, 2018, 09:50:50 AM
Men: Women are very hard to read.
Women: Actually, we just want-
Men: Such complex creatures.
Women: If you just liste-
Men: So mysterious.

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on January 06, 2018, 10:38:24 AM
BLONDE- More than just a hair color; it's a state of mind.

Reminds me of the song from "Earth girls are Easy" 😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 06, 2018, 01:53:15 PM
(https://forums.majorgeeks.com/attachments/upload_2017-12-2_14-22-52-png.232365/)


(https://forums.majorgeeks.com/attachments/upload_2017-12-2_15-26-45-png.232371/)


(https://forums.majorgeeks.com/attachments/upload_2017-12-2_19-44-9-png.232389/)


(http://picsmine.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Is-there-an-intruder-at-the-door-Pet-Memes.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wimpanzee on January 06, 2018, 02:31:36 PM
I had a splinter once. It really got out of hand.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ezman604 on January 08, 2018, 04:42:11 PM
THE STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I wanted to give him 100%, but I was told that it wouldn't be politically correct. Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too.

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*His last battle
(Napoleon did not die in battle, he died in St. Helena)

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*At the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
*Liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
*Marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
*Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
*Wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Spread some laughter, share the cheer.
Let's be happy, while we're here!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 08, 2018, 05:33:58 PM
Dave, being a teacher (High School retired) I often received answers that were not on the "answer key".  Some made me curious enough to ask how the student had arrived at that answer.  One even answered that the school bus had brought him. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 08, 2018, 05:37:25 PM
When I told "blonde" jokes in front of my ex she used to say "THAT AIN'T FUNNY".
I said "Nope, You're right. But what is funny is you getting mad considering you're a brunette with bleached blonde hair".
That NEVER ended well.... wait, yes it did.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on January 08, 2018, 05:38:28 PM
You made me recall my 11s, when I obtained a 90%, and thought the teacher deserved a 0%.

“Sciences” exam.  10 questions I realized were too simple and easy, so, I decided to play a bit with the teacher regarding one of them.

Q. If you have a glass of water, what do you have to do to change its state?
* Nothing.  Depending on the room temperature, it’s going to freeze or evaporate.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on January 08, 2018, 06:16:02 PM
You made me recall my 11s, when I obtained a 90%, and thought the teacher deserved a 0%.

“Sciences” exam.  10 questions I realized were too simple and easy, so, I decided to play a bit with the teacher regarding one of them.

Q. If you have a glass of water, what do you have to do to change its state?
* Nothing.  Depending on the room temperature, it’s going to freeze or evaporate.

I would have said "drink it."   :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 08, 2018, 07:09:13 PM
School jokes remind me of "Little Johnny"....Bless his heart.
So  let's see if I can clean this one up enough to tell here.

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my Dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That DANG Son of mine! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your muffin before the end of the day!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on January 08, 2018, 08:20:07 PM
You made me recall my 11s, when I obtained a 90%, and thought the teacher deserved a 0%.

“Sciences” exam.  10 questions I realized were too simple and easy, so, I decided to play a bit with the teacher regarding one of them.

Q. If you have a glass of water, what do you have to do to change its state?
* Nothing.  Depending on the room temperature, it’s going to freeze or evaporate.


I would have said "drink it."   :D

I would have said "carry it across the border". 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on January 08, 2018, 08:22:50 PM
You made me recall my 11s, when I obtained a 90%, and thought the teacher deserved a 0%.

“Sciences” exam.  10 questions I realized were too simple and easy, so, I decided to play a bit with the teacher regarding one of them.

Q. If you have a glass of water, what do you have to do to change its state?
* Nothing.  Depending on the room temperature, it’s going to freeze or evaporate.

I would have said "drink it."   :D

 ;D

Now, I have a suspect about who was that student
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 09, 2018, 12:49:20 AM
School jokes remind me of "Little Johnny"....Bless his heart.
So  let's see if I can clean this one up enough to tell here.

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my Dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That DANG Son of mine! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your muffin before the end of the day!"
Now that's hilarious right there, definitely the kind of joke I would've eaten soap for repeating as a little kid.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 09, 2018, 08:10:38 AM
Aww yes... little Johnny...
The teacher was passing out Life Savers and asking the 1st graders to identify the different flavors.
Jimmy: "Cherry?"
Teacher: "Very Good Jimmy"
Suzy: "Lemon?"
Teacher: "Exactly Suzy"
So happens that Life Saver had introduced a brand new flavor... honey, and poor little Sally just couldn't put her finger on it. The teacher tried giving her a clue...
Teacher: "This is what your mommy sometimes called your daddy"
Little Johnny: "SPIT IT OUT SALLY, IT'S A BUTTHOLE"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on January 09, 2018, 08:35:52 AM
Good morning.

(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/26231352_1755098921218965_2438534951016724828_n.png?oh=b6e4edf08c21b37001ad00a7a1b4f874&oe=5AF35CE7)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 14, 2018, 04:17:26 PM
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT'.  It just pops into your head.  There's no warning!
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
Hmmm ... let me see 'A blink'!  It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened ... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer.  'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a switch.   When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'yes, a switch is the fastest thing I can think of.'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said Louie. 
'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or FlIP THE SWITCH, I filled my pants with DIARRHEA.'

Louie got the job.
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 14, 2018, 05:12:11 PM
That reminds me of yet another i hope I can clean up enough for here....

Due to slow times, a Boss has to lay off one of his employees.
He has it narrowed down to Betty or Jack.
He makes a decision that the next day, the first one to come to the water cooler will get the axe.
So, that morning he is waiting and it doesn't take long. Betty comes in looking rough... REAL rough. Hair is a mess, yesterdays clothes on, etc.
The Boss says "Betty I have a tough decision to make....I have to either lay You or Jack off today."
Betty says "Can you just **** ***, I've had a bad night."


Yes....
I'll go back to my corner now.   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on January 14, 2018, 07:34:17 PM
Fishin'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 15, 2018, 05:31:08 AM
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'..........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 15, 2018, 11:42:03 AM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: supertech77 on January 16, 2018, 03:15:18 AM
Fishin'
that,s funny
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Vee3 on January 16, 2018, 04:38:26 AM
Q: What title is bestowed upon the medical student who graduates at the very bottom of his class?

A: MD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on January 16, 2018, 09:16:56 AM
Q: What do you call a person who graduates from law school?
A: An attorney.

Q: What do you call a person who graduates at the bottom of their class in law school?
A: Your Honor.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 18, 2018, 10:32:33 AM
   

   
   
Taking a Hike
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 18, 2018, 10:37:17 AM
That reminds me of yet another i hope I can clean up enough for here....

Due to slow times, a Boss has to lay off one of his employees.
He has it narrowed down to Betty or Jack.
He makes a decision that the next day, the first one to come to the water cooler will get the axe.
So, that morning he is waiting and it doesn't take long. Betty comes in looking rough... REAL rough. Hair is a mess, yesterdays clothes on, etc.
The Boss says "Betty I have a tough decision to make....I have to either lay You or Jack off today."
Betty says "Can you just **** ***, I've had a bad night."





Yes....
I'll go back to my corner now.   ::)
[/

 I was a little slow on that one.  I may have been quicker if you had not cleaned it up.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 19, 2018, 01:45:01 AM
EVEN SPELL CHECK CAN’T HELP YOU HERE , PROOF READ CAREFULLY !!!!!

Subject: Fwd: Importance of Correct Spelling
 
Let me tell you friends, that one simple spelling mistake - even a typo can make your life *(&^.
 
I recently sent a short, romantic email to my wife while I was away on a golfing trip, and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say. Not so! This tiny error caused me to have to seek Police protection to enter my own house.
 
I wrote: "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 19, 2018, 11:20:32 AM
Received this today and knew right away where I would share it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMDHdt8WIwE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMDHdt8WIwE)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cactusrat on January 19, 2018, 11:40:05 AM
Received this today and knew right away where I would share it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMDHdt8WIwE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMDHdt8WIwE)


That's me! Than I woke up. :(

Funny video.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 19, 2018, 07:00:38 PM
Best way to talk to your wife of 50 years while making love.....

...on the phone.

It's all good, I won't make it to 50 years anyhow.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 21, 2018, 08:33:05 AM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see her driver's license.

She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 21, 2018, 10:05:42 AM
 BEER AND BASEBALL
A bunch of guy would gather to play baseball every weekend.  But the pitcher had moved and a new pitcher, Mel Famey, was recruited to take his place.
As the game started, Mel took the mound and pitched nine strikes in a row to retire the side.  When he got back to the dugout, he reached in his ice chest and got a couple beers.  He quickly downed them, one after the other.
When the second inning started, he pitched nine strikes to retire the side.  When he got back to the dugout, he reached in his ice chest and got a couple beers.  He quickly downed them, one after the other.
When the third inning started, the same type of inning played out and Mel again had his beers.
As the fourth inning got started, Mel wobbled a little but straightened up and walked out to the mound and started his pitching.  This time he had to throw twenty pitches to retire the side.  When he got back to the dugout, he had several more beers.
At the beginning of the fifth inning, he stumbled and fell as he approached the mound.  As he started pitching, he could not seem to find the plate and walked the first four batters.  His coach called time and took Mel Famey out of the game.  Mel was helped back to the dugout.
As all this was going on, a player from the opposing team pointed to the pile of empty beer bottles and said:  That is the beer that made Mel Famey walk us!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 21, 2018, 12:33:10 PM
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"



There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."
The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?"
The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."



You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?






Get your drunken backside off the merry-go-round!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 23, 2018, 12:13:26 PM
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party so I let her invite all her friends and then I made them clean the house.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 26, 2018, 10:05:59 PM
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says,
"Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?"
The two bulls laugh and reply,
"We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."



 
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on January 26, 2018, 11:04:51 PM
*groan* that takes me back about 40 years or so.  I don't know if most people remember those toys anymore.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 26, 2018, 11:23:32 PM
I took a young kid to California with me once on a big job.
As we passed through some valleys there were cows on steep hills and some in the valley.
I told him the ones on the hill were special bred Wee Bulls with a shorter leg on one side so they could stay on the hill.
He fell for it!!
 ;D

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on January 26, 2018, 11:51:35 PM
Ouch....groan Jeff!
That one was painful. Hahaha :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 27, 2018, 03:36:30 AM
I remember that jingle " they weeble they wobble but they don't fall down "
Im really young, but when I was a little kid in the early 2000's they had a rerelease of them as cereal box prizes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bReTt on January 27, 2018, 05:31:49 AM
I saw this somewhere and I had a chuckle...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 28, 2018, 12:44:32 PM
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, ordered his son, "Go get your Mother".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 30, 2018, 02:25:39 PM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"




A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."



A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."

"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.

"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."




Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the MIT School of Engineering, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a Jaguar?"
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JimQwerty123 on January 30, 2018, 02:43:13 PM


A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."



It's always fun to listen to a new reporter or weather person trying to pronounce "Natchitoches" (and some other locations) on the local TV station. The old hands never tell them the correct pronunciation.

Now for you non Louisiana folks, try these:
Tchoupitoulas
Lecompte
Leger (proper name)



JIm
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ultramarine on January 30, 2018, 05:08:17 PM
No problem. But where I'm from, it's just not fair... 8)
Hi, Cajun cousins! Laissez le bon temps rouler.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 30, 2018, 05:51:29 PM
Ya'all aint right, asking a Northern Boy to pronounce those!
But if you take my ex-wife....
Please.


Thank you Henny Youngman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVGVJGX--o0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVGVJGX--o0)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on January 30, 2018, 08:01:48 PM

Quote from: JimQwerty

It's always fun to listen to a new reporter or weather person trying to pronounce "Natchitoches" (and some other locations) on the local TV station. The old hands never tell them the correct pronunciation.

Now for you non Louisiana folks, try these:
Tchoupitoulas
Lecompte
Leger (proper name)

JIm


I can't even get my lips to move like that ;D

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 03, 2018, 11:53:13 AM
When you are 70...............
http://www.plovervfw.org/VFW-Scholarships-and-New-Officers-2016-011.jpg (http://www.plovervfw.org/VFW-Scholarships-and-New-Officers-2016-011.jpg)
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re seventy..............who cares?
 **********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk:  "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good  lookin'....."
When you’re seventy.............who cares?
 ***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re seventy..............who cares?
 
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
 When you’re seventy...............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
 When you’re seventy...............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember
we do not quit playing because we grow old.... we grow old because we quit playing"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 03, 2018, 12:17:50 PM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”
 
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister,
“and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”



Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands on, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked,
"Where is God?"
 
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated,
"Where is God?"
 
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually his brother found him and asked,
"What's wrong?"
 
The crying boy replied,
"We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"




Fed up with failure in preventing coyotes from killing his sheep, a rancher brought out his rifle to eliminate the pack.
Suddenly, a federal bureaucrat rushed up and breathlessly screamed,
"Wait, there's no need to do that. We've developed a new drug that renders them impotent."
 
"I don't know what y`all do in Washington," drawled the rancher taking aim again,
"but out here the coyotes eat the sheep."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 03, 2018, 05:45:31 PM
Fun Fact:
 A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a whole new hilarious dimension to a rather tiresome old practical joke.

;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on February 03, 2018, 07:14:56 PM
; D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 03, 2018, 11:34:01 PM
Wait, Jeff and Scott, I am having trouble catching my breath!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 04, 2018, 06:20:02 AM
Bob was on a plane flying to Chicago and the guy in the seat beside him was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you say it’s OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?

"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on February 04, 2018, 07:57:04 AM
Hahahah- great one Jerry! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 04, 2018, 10:38:03 AM
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."
The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away.
About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book."
The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book.
The chicken walks out the door.
Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word.
The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book.
This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond.
In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."


A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says,
"Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"


A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked,
"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"




Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Nvreloader on February 04, 2018, 01:45:39 PM
A rancher was out in the barn, pullin a calf out of a 1st calf heifer,
he was just cleaning up, when he noticed the barns doors cracked open,
and his 6 yr old son standing there, watching him.

Dad, thinks to himself, Birds and Bees's talk coming up,
so he calls his son over to him,
The little guy is standing there, looking at the calf, then looks at the heifer,
looks back at the calf, then back at the heifer, with a questioning look on his face,
then looks up at his Dad.

The Dad, asks his son, Do you have any questions?

The little guy, looks at the calf then the heifer again, then asks his Dad,

Just how fast was that calf running, when it hit that heifer?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 07, 2018, 06:15:56 AM
A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm.
The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken.
The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear.
Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately.
She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken.
"What is it?" he asked.
The sister turned to him in fear and said,
" It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"


A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!"
The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt."
The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win.
The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"
The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope."
Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!"
The captain calmly replies, "Go get my yellow pants."


Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”
“That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse then tells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!”
“That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets."
“That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 18, 2018, 02:40:53 PM
A local priest and deacon stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They held up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge is out’ instead?”


Sarcastic Al Says:

"They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I wonder if he could do that for Congress."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RedFeather on February 19, 2018, 01:22:28 AM
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my pig, and ten we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll ave two pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig!!!." "Now, we got two pigs with no ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my pig. Den we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR PIG HAS CHEWED THE TAIL OFFA MY PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW ARE WE GONNA TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, the heck w' it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on February 19, 2018, 08:37:05 AM
Hahahaha  ;D
I have an Irish friend who is gonna love that one! Hah!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 20, 2018, 09:00:25 AM
Weasel walks into a Bar.
Bartender says "In all my years here, I have never had a Weasel come in."... "What'll ya have?"

"Pop"... goes the Weasel.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on February 20, 2018, 02:19:45 PM
(Please excuse the all-caps.....I copied and pasted)

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LLHANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS."I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 20, 2018, 04:10:04 PM
A BIG guy [weighs about 325 pounds] goes to an "All-You-Can-Eat" buffet.  When he get to the register, the cashier tells him it's $12 for "All-You-Can-Eat".  In all seriousness, he tells the cashier:  I am very hungry.  I'll take two.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 22, 2018, 12:35:12 PM
Surgeons' Coffee Break

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break and talking about work.

1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

3rd responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."

4th intercedes: "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JimQwerty123 on February 22, 2018, 07:40:52 PM
Teacher: How old is your father?
kid: He is 6.
Teacher: How is that possible?
Kid: He became my father only when I was born.

------------
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maris: Here it is.
Teach: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

------------
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
Glenn: K R O K O D I A L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

------------
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

-------------
Teacher: Clyde, you composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as you brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir; it's the same dog.

-------------
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on February 23, 2018, 08:22:56 AM
Hahaha...having worked with docs for decades now...I can completeky understand how that might really be the case. Lol!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on March 23, 2018, 07:14:30 PM

 
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
 
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
 
“How much do you charge?”
 
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
 
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that  money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion.
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 23, 2018, 09:25:47 PM
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.... so watch what you say!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on March 23, 2018, 09:35:46 PM
Time for terrible Easter jokes.

A man was driving along the highway when he saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter bunny jumped in front of the car and was struck by his car.  The basket of eggs and candy the rabbit was carrying went flying all over the place.  The driver, being a sensitive man, as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to wee what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful rabbit was dead.  The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.  A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.  She stepped out of her can and asked the man what was wrong.  "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently het the Easter rabbit and killed it.  Children will be so disappointed. What should I do?"  The woman told the man not to worry.  She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.  She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.  A minute later, the Easter rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road. Another minute later the Easter rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again and hopped down the road.
The man was astonished.  He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can. He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so he could read the label.  It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 23, 2018, 09:41:16 PM
Hee Hee Hee Hee.... I like it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on March 23, 2018, 10:31:11 PM
Why was the cow broke??



The farmer milked her for all she was worth.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on March 23, 2018, 10:40:06 PM
Ohhhh Mattttttt! That's almost painful! Hahahah :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 24, 2018, 11:49:00 AM
Thanks Matthew - I am going to share that one with my son.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on March 25, 2018, 08:56:28 AM
Thanks Matthew - I am going to share that one with my son.

Your welcome. My neighbor shared that one with me. He is always telling jokes.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 25, 2018, 10:11:55 AM

My mother and my wife, both nurses, were shopping together when a woman in a nearby dressing room fell unconscious.

Mom discovered that the woman wasn't breathing, so she and my wife started CPR and revived the shopper just as paramedics arrived. They loaded the woman onto a gurney and were rolling her out of the store when she yelled, "Stop!"
My mother and my wife thought maybe she wanted to thank them, but instead she said, "I still want to buy those dresses."


There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go
there with a large one. - Jack Yelton
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on March 26, 2018, 08:47:30 PM
See if you can figure it out:

A Hillbilly conversation

MR DUX
NUH UH
AR
LIB, MR DUX

hint: say it out loud slowly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 26, 2018, 09:05:09 PM
M R Snakes!
L M R...
M R 2 CM EDBD I's
L I B...
M R Snakes!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 27, 2018, 11:45:00 AM
Aw red botdem jis fyn.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 31, 2018, 04:05:07 PM

Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
______________________________________________________________

Pasteal: The color that appears on all your pages when your printer runs out of "yellow" and "magenta".

Halogem: A precious stone, usually a diamond, that is so large that it blinds anyone within a two mile radius with its reflected light. See Taylor, Elizabeth.

Fortune Kookie: Anyone who actually believes that something written on a piece of paper stuffed into a curled wafer in a Chinese restaurant will actually come true.

Handicrap: The condition under which employees must work when they have a boss that constantly holds meetings to find out what's taking everyone so long to complete a project.

Chide-and-seek: Any Barbara Walters interview.

Hilaryous: Adjective describing any hopes that a former First Lady can successfully run for President if it means that the ex-President will be back in the White House in ANY capacity.

Phonetick: The involuntary rolling of the eyes when one receives a call during dinner.

X-Failes: (Noun and verb) Any popular T.V. show that is turned into a movie.

Repoduce: The act of a bank auctioning off all property such as houses, boats and cars that have defaulted on their loans.

Insect Rebellent: Any spray, citronella candle, bug bomb, pheromone trap or electric zapper that makes hornets madder than they were before.

Residental Area: The place on your dentures that is covered with yucky gooey stuff you have to scrape off when they don't stick anymore before you can put more gooey stuff on them so they will stick again.

Spamphlet: A thick section included in the center pages of a magazine designed to look like an legitimate article with the words, "Special Advertising Section" written on the top in microscopic letters.

Brousing: Having real estate agents show you around a whole bunch of houses you are not even in the market to buy.

Grand Copera: Any T.V. offering that is a high-drama police show in a serial format. See "Blues, Hill Street".

Russian Orthodixy: Certain sect of Christian beliefs found in the Russian state of Georgia.

Blas`eball player: A certain kind of athlete who makes two million dollars a year and still makes fans pay to get his autograph; also known to have a slump immediately following a re-negotiation for MORE money.

Jaztec: A modern interior design in which ancient artifacts and style are placed among aluminum tubing-based furniture in an attempt to look stylish. See "taste, incredibly poor."

---------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a nobody ... nobody is perfect ... therefore I'm perfect.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on April 12, 2018, 03:02:22 PM

 Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly  broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called  her doctor's office to inquire as to just  exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

.

.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the  hospital with a gunshot wound to her  knee
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 18, 2018, 01:51:38 PM
(https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=4723adbd4a&view=fimg&th=162d038474602786&attid=0.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ-VORWfEjVskVDQhhT26GJwbnsT9haQcXTI9lJYacY7gezLkQxF7D5wELinTldE6wtdWtXuNmAuCEuFlVo4GOPV5Ke0pJ1gzzo3tBL-ZQbGIlxTyWhAkRzlXOA&sz=w1250-h1578&ats=1524067599390&rm=162d038474602786&zw&atsh=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dustin dees on April 19, 2018, 10:07:13 PM
St. Peter gets the word that heaven is full and he has to stall while renovations are being made. He decides that he will let the people with the worse days in today, the others can wait a few days.

The first man walks up and has it explained. He says "Well, I have a heck of a day for you. I came home early to catch my wife cheating, I knew she was.
She was laying there after a shower, naked in bed. Her clothes and another mans on the floor in our bedroom. I looked in every room in our apartment, then I saw it. Fingers holding on our 3rd story ledge. I stomped on 'em and he fell. Unfortunately he landed safe in some shrubs. I don't give up easily so I pushed the refrigerator over the balcony on him. The strain gave me a heart attack, and, well here I am."

St Peter says, "Well, that is a bad day indeed, and it was a crime of passion which is forgivable. You may pass."

The second man says "Check this out, I'm on my 4th story balcony working out and I tripped on a dumbell. Luckily I caught the balcony below mine and this crazy guy stomps on my fingers. Again luckily I land is some bushes, I am ok. While I am catching my breath the nut job pushes a fridge on me, and, well here I am."

St Peter chuckles and thinks this could be an interesting day. He just says "You may pass."

The third man walks up and says, "Okay, picture this, I'm naked and hiding in a refrigerator!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on May 15, 2018, 08:58:05 AM
Shamelessly lifted from an email called, "Mike's Funnies".

                                                    ............so don't blame me, I'm just the messenger..........   ;D



1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tims229 on May 20, 2018, 02:50:43 PM
Shamelessly lifted from an email called, "Mike's Funnies".

                                                    ............so don't blame me, I'm just the messenger..........   ;D



1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Wow!  Cheesy often? JK lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on May 20, 2018, 08:11:28 PM
Shamelessly lifted from an email called, "Mike's Funnies".

                                                    ............so don't blame me, I'm just the messenger..........   ;D



1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Wow!  Cheesy often? JK lol

Yes, yes he is. :o ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 10, 2018, 07:40:26 AM
She Was Beautiful

A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand --- He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 10, 2018, 08:07:45 AM
BWAA-HA-HAAAA!
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 10, 2018, 08:17:02 AM
Heard this on "Bob and Tom" years ago....

A guy is driving around the countryside and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking dog sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
 I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
After that, I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a BIG LIAR... He's never been out of the yard."!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 10, 2018, 08:55:57 AM
LOL..... good ole Bob n Tom.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on June 11, 2018, 02:55:26 PM
@Tater - Choked on my water, bro.  I just got 1/5th of my house painted this last weekend and just how this went has sent a shock down my spine on how long it's going to take to do it right.  That one got me...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on June 12, 2018, 01:31:56 AM
what is the difference between people in Dubai, and people in Abu Dhabi?


Dubains don't like the Flintstones, but the Abu Dhabis Do! ;) ::) :o :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on June 12, 2018, 08:50:47 AM
Hahahaha! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 20, 2018, 08:24:14 PM
Speaking of Bob and Tom, something at work today reminded me of this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-ELk8l5znc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-ELk8l5znc)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 25, 2018, 03:05:57 AM
A salesman approaches a house with a man on the porch and a barking dog in the driveway. The salesman rolls down his window and asks the gentleman if his dog bites. The gentle man responds "nope". As the salesman exits the car the dog promptly bites him in the leg. After the sales man quickly returns to his car with a wounded leg he yells to the gentleman " I thought you said your dog didn't bite" the gentleman responded "that's not my dog."


I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.


But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 29, 2018, 03:59:50 AM
I just bought some sneakers from a drug dealer, I'm not sure what he laced 'em with but I been trippin' all day.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 29, 2018, 05:10:48 AM
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT5AB2SHakSgJr67tdIjzrNPBIL1lVFn8ZmNTc2i4IhAWNrhQiJXA)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on June 29, 2018, 08:20:57 AM
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT5AB2SHakSgJr67tdIjzrNPBIL1lVFn8ZmNTc2i4IhAWNrhQiJXA)

oh that hurts......
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on June 29, 2018, 09:08:25 AM
Ok, a cheesy one; a freshly bar-b-q'ed cheeseburger goes into a bar for a cold beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 02, 2018, 04:49:09 PM
Ok, a cheesy one; a freshly bar-b-q'ed cheeseburger goes into a bar for a cold beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".


A horse walks into a bar.
 
 The bartender says, “Hey.”
 
 The horse replies, “Yeah, that’d be great.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on July 02, 2018, 09:52:37 PM
Ok, a cheesy one; a freshly bar-b-q'ed cheeseburger goes into a bar for a cold beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".


A horse walks into a bar.
 
 The bartender says, “Hey.”
 
 The horse replies, “Yeah, that’d be great.”
As long as we are on silly puns

A south sea king demanded a new throne every year.  He had the last years throne put into storage in the attic of his palatial grass hut.  After a number of years, when they put the old throne into storage, the ceiling collapsed and crushed the king.  Moral of the story is that "people who live in grass houses should not store thrones".
Bad enough? :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 03, 2018, 05:48:04 AM
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bar tender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke." The bar tender says "What's up with the big pause?" The bear said "I've had them all my life"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 04, 2018, 07:27:44 AM
Try not to wake everyone by laughing so hard!!!
Title: As I get older....
Post by: ezman604 on July 04, 2018, 02:43:45 PM
(http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/276022-As-I-Get-Older....jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on July 04, 2018, 03:49:50 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on July 04, 2018, 03:53:50 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)



Dang, you just made me feel old with that one.  Never really felt that way before lol.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on July 04, 2018, 06:06:30 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)



Dang, you just made me feel old with that one.  Never really felt that way before lol.
+1
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Frank on July 04, 2018, 11:52:09 PM
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,  'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;  perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'   The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,  'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.   That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'   And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'  The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Frank on July 04, 2018, 11:56:23 PM
I remember when the phone didn't have a rotary, and, what is this TV thing ....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on July 05, 2018, 12:04:31 AM
I remember when the phone didn't have a rotary, and, what is this TV thing ....

(http://www.blogcdn.com/www.engadget.com/media/2011/12/rabbit-ears.jpg)The TV thing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: stevemag on July 05, 2018, 06:57:53 AM
An older woman hears on the radio that there is a car driving the wrong direction on the jersey turnpike .
Concerned for her husband who had gone to pick up their grandson , she called him on his cell phone to warn him.
she says”honey be careful,there is someone driving the wrong way on the turnpike!”
He says “ NOT just ONE car but HUNDREDS OF THEM!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: stevemag on July 05, 2018, 07:01:35 AM
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,  'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;  perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'   The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,  'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.   That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'   And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'  The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!'


Winner!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 07, 2018, 04:07:35 PM
His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"



His name was BUBBA...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 07, 2018, 06:43:53 PM
OUTSTANDING!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on July 07, 2018, 06:57:19 PM
Not really a joke, but I thought this photoshopped image was funny.

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on July 07, 2018, 09:37:34 PM
That’s a good one. I got a good laugh out of that picture.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 08, 2018, 05:56:40 AM
So did I, that fish was pretty smart to use that guy for bait.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 08, 2018, 09:46:38 AM
Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's Chicken was fried in Olive Oil?
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 08, 2018, 11:34:17 AM
What was Napoleon doing at KFC?
.
.
.
Pulling the Bone Apart!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 10, 2018, 07:16:16 AM

Texas version of Windows XP.

   
                           (https://s8.postimg.cc/jk6nykfpx/clip_image001.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on July 10, 2018, 10:09:07 AM
/\    ;D ;D ;D /\   I love that, if only there was such a thing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 11, 2018, 06:51:47 AM
The Vet Bill..

A woman brought a very limp parrot into the Veterinarian’s office. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said; “I’m sorry, but Polly has passed away”. The distressed owner wailed; “ Are you sure? You haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?”
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador dog. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on it’s hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad, brown eyes and shook his head. The Vet patted the dog and took it out of the office, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook it’s head, meowed and ran out of the room. The Vet looked at the woman and said, “ I’m sorry. But like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead.” He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “What’s this!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?” The Vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan….”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 11, 2018, 10:26:33 AM
A lady makes an emergency stop at a dentist office and tells the dentist, "I
need a tooth pulled right away. Don't even bother with the Novocain, just
yank the tooth out. We're in a really big hurry."

The dentist is really impressed and says, "Ma'am I really admire your
courage. Which tooth do want to have pulled?"

The lady shoves her husband toward the dentist and says "Go ahead dear, show
him your tooth."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KITROBASKIN on July 12, 2018, 09:29:09 PM
Old People
Jane was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Jane was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "
Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck…"
Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Yng@hrt on July 12, 2018, 10:44:44 PM
^^^That was gooooood!^^^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 13, 2018, 10:18:41 AM
You know you have a great dog when--
 You go out to dinner and come back to find your house cleaner than it was
before: The dishes done; Your bed made and a slice of lemon in the toilet
bowl!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on July 15, 2018, 12:10:09 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/BNipySt.jpg?1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Yng@hrt on July 15, 2018, 12:17:25 PM
You know you have a great dog when--
 You go out to dinner and come back to find your house cleaner than it was
before: The dishes done; Your bed made and a slice of lemon in the toilet
bowl!

Man r u brave, or single... :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 15, 2018, 05:52:09 PM
You know you have a great dog when--
 You go out to dinner and come back to find your house cleaner than it was
before: The dishes done; Your bed made and a slice of lemon in the toilet
bowl!

Man r u brave, or single... :o
Does it matter? He's got a great dog.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Yng@hrt on July 15, 2018, 05:59:30 PM
You know you have a great dog when--
 You go out to dinner and come back to find your house cleaner than it was
before: The dishes done; Your bed made and a slice of lemon in the toilet
bowl!

Man r u brave, or single... :o
Does it matter? He's got a great dog.
That blew right over the top your head Billy. I would elaborate but no need to dig me a deeper hole. ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on July 16, 2018, 06:05:21 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37193471_1993845454010976_3833392301774733312_n.png?_nc_cat=0&oh=afcc75a90d1ba2d074bc273d213196b3&oe=5BD1256E)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 16, 2018, 06:17:56 AM
The Built-in Sharpener was a great feature!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 16, 2018, 08:11:37 AM
You know you have a great dog when--
 You go out to dinner and come back to find your house cleaner than it was
before: The dishes done; Your bed made and a slice of lemon in the toilet
bowl!

Man r u brave, or single... :o
Does it matter? He's got a great dog.
That blew right over the top your head Billy. I would elaborate but no need to dig me a deeper hole. ;D
;) This is proof that facial expression is 50% of a conversation Martin. I completely read between every line.  :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 16, 2018, 09:53:43 AM
The Built-in Sharpener was a great feature!

I always wanted one but never had a set of them.
BB's were a more pressing investment.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on July 16, 2018, 02:00:16 PM
I still have a pack Crayons at 57.  I like using them to make markings on slick items.  Plus the colors are pretty.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 17, 2018, 10:14:04 AM
You can use them to make the stampings in guns show up better too.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 18, 2018, 08:35:08 AM
And in some cases they make colorful snacks.... :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on July 18, 2018, 12:23:25 PM
So why are Bananas never lonely....They hang out a bunch ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 18, 2018, 03:23:31 PM
A Fair Judge

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on July 20, 2018, 09:18:24 PM
What happened to the Indian when he drank to much Iced tea?





He drowned in his teepee.  :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 25, 2018, 01:01:28 PM

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
 

How important does a person have to be before
they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon
before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby'
When babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings
And then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns
the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
What is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control
when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds'
when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles
For death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
 Then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm
As it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons
Is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 25, 2018, 01:30:35 PM
Quote
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


This is exactly why Hoosier Momma has stick instructions to bury my wearing a Hawaiian Shirt, Bermuda shorts and bare foot.
I will haunt her forever is she buries me in a suit.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on July 25, 2018, 04:12:59 PM
Quote
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


This is exactly why Hoosier Momma has stick instructions to bury my wearing a Hawaiian Shirt, Bermuda shorts and bare foot.
I will haunt her forever is she buries me in a suit.

Hmmmm,

sounds like you plan on visiting a warm place!   8) 8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 25, 2018, 05:01:49 PM
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



Squirrels I shoot sometimes stop pellets with their chests - ONCE!   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 25, 2018, 05:12:50 PM
A few more for the list:
Why do cars park on a "DRIVEWAY" and drive on a "PARKWAY"?
Is there a lock on the doors at a 24-HOUR Walmart?
What are you supposed to do between BLINKS of a blinking red traffic light?

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on July 25, 2018, 05:45:00 PM
Why do we call a cupboard a "cubberd" but we don't call a clipboard a "clibberd"?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 25, 2018, 05:51:22 PM
Why do we call them "Butter-flies" when the Flutter by?

George Carlin made a living at this stuff.

And yes, I will be dressed for hot weather... and comfortable.
My heaven is a white sandy beach with turquoise blue water.... but planning for the alternate "other place".  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 26, 2018, 12:16:18 AM
If there's corn oil and vegetable oil and corn is a vegetable, does vegetable oil have corn oil in it ?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers ?

They say don't bite the hand that feeds you, so why do dogs hate cats when they love eating their poop so much ?

Why do socks dissappear in the laundry but handkerchiefs never do ?

If you're not supposed to wear you're underwear more than onece before washing them, they why do they make them white so you can see when they're dirty ?

Why are they called radio shows when there's nothing to see ?

Why are they called a pair of pants when there's only one of them ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 27, 2018, 08:26:12 AM
How many pages in a book of matches?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on July 27, 2018, 11:25:59 AM
and
if corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables
what is baby oil made from?


If there's corn oil and vegetable oil and corn is a vegetable, does vegetable oil have corn oil in it ?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on July 27, 2018, 11:58:02 AM
Truck For Sale... needs parts... serious inquiries only.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 27, 2018, 06:05:13 PM
Truck For Sale... needs parts... serious inquiries only.

Now that's plum funny. What I like about it is with the right parts you can have any make or model you want. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 27, 2018, 06:09:10 PM
Pretty sure you could sell that on ebay.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on July 28, 2018, 08:59:31 AM
I wanted to make a mental note of something....

                     .....but I couldn't find anything to write on....

                                               :o :o :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on July 30, 2018, 09:11:17 PM
Three reticent hermits living in a cave..

Hermit 1: 5 years ago, when you two were meditating, I saw a beige deer at the mouth of the cave.

Five years went by..

Hermit 2: I saw that beige deer too.

Another 5 years went by..

Hermit 3: No, you two are mistaken, it was a white deer.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on July 30, 2018, 09:19:52 PM
Peter: Joe, what happened to your leg, bro, it's now twice the size?! .....And what about your arm, Steve, why is it twice its size too?!

Joe: I saw an ugly crone, bro, so I kicked her--had no idea she was a witch!

Steve: When I saw what the witch did to Joe's leg I could not help myself but punch her, now my arm has doubled in its size!

Peter: See you later, bros!

Joe and Steve: Where are going, Peter?!

Peter: I'm gonna find that witch and "wet" on her!

       

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tonykarter on July 30, 2018, 09:21:01 PM
What's that white stuff in chicken cr@p?

That's chicken cr@p too...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on August 01, 2018, 03:21:21 PM
What do cannonballs do when they’re in love?

Make bbs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 01, 2018, 07:42:13 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37878882_1917732931852478_8768460147518341120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=1fe38a5788bbb252a98a9d6b06fce8a2&oe=5C0E72B5)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on August 01, 2018, 09:36:55 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37878882_1917732931852478_8768460147518341120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=1fe38a5788bbb252a98a9d6b06fce8a2&oe=5C0E72B5)

yer cutting close to the bone there, young lady...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 02, 2018, 02:00:58 AM
I visited an "airgun nut" today.

I found him stalking around with a Bug-A-Salt.

When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:

"Yeah! Three males and two females!"

Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference.

He said:

"'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 02, 2018, 10:35:05 AM
Why GUYS don't use cell phones while driving vehicles:
Guys can't drink, text, and drive successfully!


Disclaimer:  I am thinking "Coffee" when the word, drink, is used here.   ;) ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 02, 2018, 01:15:14 PM
Quote
Guys can't drink, text, and drive successfully!

Rookies....


 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 03, 2018, 07:16:10 AM

*1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.*

*2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you,
but don't start anything.'*

*3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.*

*4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.*

*5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'*

*6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this
taste funny to you?'*

*7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'*

*8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.*

*9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.*

*10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.*

*11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.*

*12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'*

*13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.*

*14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.*

*15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, 'Dam!'*

*16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.*

*17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'*

*18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in* *Egypt* *, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in* *Spain* *; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'*

*19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 03, 2018, 08:45:03 AM
" Two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Lester Geeze picking his bunions on a Sesame Street bus." Would you want flies and coke with that?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Cathartes on August 03, 2018, 12:32:09 PM

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this
taste funny to you?'


There's an oldie, I prefer:

"Two clowns are eating a cannibal, and one looks at the other and says, "This feels wrong, somehow."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 04, 2018, 12:59:11 PM
"click" if you want it larger. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cactusrat on August 04, 2018, 01:54:57 PM
"click" if you want it larger. ;)

Being there, done that!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ACHiPo on August 04, 2018, 02:48:35 PM
"click" if you want it larger. ;)
Love it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joekrooz on August 04, 2018, 10:37:58 PM
"click" if you want it larger. ;)

So true! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 07, 2018, 03:32:38 PM
I began reading a horror novel written in braille.
something bad is about to happen, i can feel it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I got a new pair of gloves today,
but they are both left handed,
which on one hand is great,
but on the other, it's just not right.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Girlfriend: i'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. we should split up!
Boyfriend: wow! good idea! we can cover more ground that way.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches,
but then i realized that it would be a waist of time.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Wife: your boss called to say you're fired, so i went out and bought your favorite soy sauce.
Husband: oh, great, i see, kikkoman when he's down.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Policeman: what's your name?
Guy: the wizard of oz.
Policeman: your FULL name!
Guy: (quietly) the wizard of ounces.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Doc: i'm going to deliver your baby.
Couple: actually, we'd like him to keep his liver.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Overheard during an education reform committee meeting…
-they should put "A" & "U" next to each other in the alphabet.
-Wow! that's gold!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 07, 2018, 05:25:21 PM

Overheard during an education reform committee meeting…
-they should put "A" & "U" next to each other in the alphabet.
-Wow! that's gold!!

Must have been an elementry school..
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on August 07, 2018, 05:39:54 PM
i must be getting too old
this makes no sense what so ever
Overheard during an education reform committee meeting…
-they should put "A" & "U" next to each other in the alphabet.
-Wow! that's gold!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 07, 2018, 05:43:14 PM
Au is the symbol for gold.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 07, 2018, 05:45:03 PM
I even gave you a hint...Element... "elementry school" was a play on it.
HAHAHAHA
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on August 07, 2018, 06:48:53 PM
i'm only 76, must be the beginning of old timers disease
haven't seen an element table in 30+ years 
the word Alphabet was sending me off into really weird tangents
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on August 07, 2018, 07:01:43 PM
I believe you folk are flAunting your knowledge...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 08, 2018, 05:16:01 AM
Must have been an elementry school..


              (https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.relatably.com%2Fm%2Fimg%2Fmy-eyes-meme-generator%2F65400183.jpg&f=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 22, 2018, 11:40:33 PM
You can pick your friends and you can pick your boogers, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the guy waiting in front of you at the grocery store.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 23, 2018, 09:39:52 AM
Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everyone's garden.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on August 24, 2018, 03:12:11 PM
"I'm tryin to think but nuttin happens." -Curly

(https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2F38.media.tumblr.com%2F1423fa94c3988461b116209626deb25d%2Ftumblr_n241fy22i61toamj8o1_400.gif&f=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on August 24, 2018, 03:53:55 PM
 "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
 
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?  Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
 
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
 
 


 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 24, 2018, 06:03:56 PM
The great Yogi Berra:

1. "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."

2. "The future ain't what it used to be."

3. "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

4. "It ain't over 'til it's over."

5. "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

6. "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."

7. "We have a good time together, even when we're not together."

8. "It's déjà vu all over again."

9. "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

10. "I really didn't say everything I said."

11. "If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on August 24, 2018, 06:10:27 PM
"Don't believe what you see with your own ears." -Don Lemon
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ultramarine on August 25, 2018, 09:06:35 AM
Why should you close the door when it's cold outside ? Once the door closed, it's still as cold outside... :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on August 28, 2018, 06:47:53 PM
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on August 28, 2018, 06:53:19 PM
Health Alert!

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on August 28, 2018, 06:57:31 PM
Three people having sex is a threesome,
Two people having sex is a twosome,
So the next time someone calls you -Handsome- don't take it as a compliment!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on August 28, 2018, 07:03:26 PM
>                                                  *** Adult Truths ***
> 1.  I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
> 2.  Nothing not worthy more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
> 3.  I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
> 4.  There is great need for a sarcasm font.
> 5.  How the *(&^ are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
> 6.  Was learning cursive really necessary?
> 7.  Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
> 9.    I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
> 10.  Bad decisions make good stories.
> 11.  You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just  aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
> 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
> 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
> 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
> 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
> 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with  Miller Lite than Kay.
> 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
> 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
> 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
> 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
> 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
> 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
> 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell  phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Don key - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button  from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
> 24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then  tarred and feathered.
> 25. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit   Laughing!
> Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.  Enjoy life!!!
> Laugh today because wrinkles only indicate where smiles used to be!!
> Life is short!  Break the rules!  Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly!  Love truly,  Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on August 28, 2018, 07:04:25 PM
An oldie but goodie!
 
 
An Obituary printed in the London Times

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

   - Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

   - Why the early bird gets the worm;

           - Life isn't always fair;

           - and maybe it was my fault.



Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).



His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.



Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.


It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.



Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.



Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.



Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his
wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.



He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

   I Know My Rights

   I Want It Now

   Someone Else Is To Blame

   I'm A Victim



Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on August 29, 2018, 10:31:56 PM
So true Terry. Sadly it seems like a lot of people realize that common sense is dead but they do nothing to revive it. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 31, 2018, 07:46:28 AM
I didn't even know the man was ill.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 31, 2018, 02:32:21 PM
I didn't even know the man was ill.

Move to the Chicago area, you'll find out all about it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on August 31, 2018, 09:37:09 PM
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahahaha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 04, 2018, 08:55:08 AM
I didn't even know the man was ill.

Move to the Chicago area, you'll find out all about it.
I'm good, thanks.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 04, 2018, 11:56:44 AM
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 07, 2018, 09:59:48 AM
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you."

She replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 09, 2018, 12:29:48 PM
If you eat a whole pie without cutting it, technically, you have eaten only ONE piece.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on September 09, 2018, 01:35:48 PM
If you eat a whole pie without cutting it, technically, you have eaten only ONE piece.



That's good to know!  I have been trying to maintain my little girlish figure lol.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 09, 2018, 04:34:23 PM
Pretty sure if I ate the whole pie my girlish figure would pack up and leave me... she'd take my dog too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 10, 2018, 02:29:24 PM
A man and his wife are driving down the highway when he gets a flat tire and has no spare, so he calls a tow truck to take them to the nearest tire shop.

He goes into the tire shop and tells the man behind the counter he needs a tire for a 1986 Peugeot , so the man at the counter looks through the computer and says yes we do carry these tires and they're on sale too.

He looks and says that's great how much are they, to which the man replies three hundred and eight dollars.

His jaw drops as he hears this, he says are you kidding me the car was only three hundred new.
A few seconds later his wife walks in and asks if they had the tire, to which he replies yes however they're three hundred and eight dollars.

She looks at him and starts laughing hysterically and says .............................you got a flat tire and now your car is totaled.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 10, 2018, 02:38:47 PM
😣Too close to home!😭
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hayfoot on September 10, 2018, 03:39:44 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)



Dang, you just made me feel old with that one.  Never really felt that way before lol.

True Story:
I have a rotary phone land line at by bedside.  One day the teenage niece comes to visit.  She asks, "can I use your phone to call my mom?" ...so I tell her 'use the bedroom phone so you have some privacy.
After like 5 minutes she comes out and says, "you're phones broken... I stuck my finger in all the holes and nothing happens."
sigh
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on September 10, 2018, 04:05:34 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)



Dang, you just made me feel old with that one.  Never really felt that way before lol.

True Story:
I have a rotary phone land line at by bedside.  One day the teenage niece comes to visit.  She asks, "can I use your phone to call my mom?" ...so I tell her 'use the bedroom phone so you have some privacy.
After like 5 minutes she comes out and says, "you're phones broken... I stuck my finger in all the holes and nothing happens."
sigh

Haha, lol!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 11, 2018, 01:31:05 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14095795_1537789579659303_2474095953662239637_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeFtMpo42qMqvfgCDrR6SwouRIHTGJ1OK1ODhgTHkJfe8Im59suy3JYvV-MQBG9O3IfVIrH7mx0VJXrr9qY8toZbXu4J-2VKu_HQ7htxfYt-CQ&oh=f6b9856dd165815224e77feb9a3875e5&oe=5BE9ABF5)



Dang, you just made me feel old with that one.  Never really felt that way before lol.

True Story:
I have a rotary phone land line at by bedside.  One day the teenage niece comes to visit.  She asks, "can I use your phone to call my mom?" ...so I tell her 'use the bedroom phone so you have some privacy.
After like 5 minutes she comes out and says, "you're phones broken... I stuck my finger in all the holes and nothing happens."
sigh

Haha, lol!


a young woman stopped by work and needed to use the phone.  i told her there was a pay phone in the visitor's waiting room.  she replied "i put 3 quarters in but i don't know what to do next".  i couldn't help but laugh "a millennial!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 11, 2018, 07:06:53 AM
If you've ever pulled your truck onto the front porch so you can work on it in the shade...
you might be a redneck.

(https://i.imgur.com/3njuEUEl.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joekrooz on September 11, 2018, 09:28:51 AM
A smart red neck ^^^^^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 11, 2018, 09:43:34 AM
If you've ever pulled your truck onto the front porch so you can work on it in the shade...
you might be a redneck.

(https://i.imgur.com/3njuEUEl.jpg)

Ya might just see that in Texas! haha
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on September 11, 2018, 12:09:27 PM
If your living room furniture is now your lawn furniture, you might be a redneck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 11, 2018, 02:19:32 PM
If your living room furniture is now your lawn furniture, you might be a redneck.

I once used some outdoor furniture indoors.
Not quite certain what that says. :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cactusrat on September 11, 2018, 02:26:32 PM
If your living room furniture is now your lawn furniture, you might be a redneck.

I once used some outdoor furniture indoors.
Not quite certain what that says. :D

I think that means your house is inside out. :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 11, 2018, 02:30:54 PM
HAHAHAHA!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on September 11, 2018, 03:47:21 PM
If your living room furniture is now your lawn furniture, you might be a redneck.

I once used some outdoor furniture indoors.
Not quite certain what that says. :D



Nah, that's just making better use of the furniture.  However, if they were being used as flower pots previously in the front yard and, were replaced with your old car tires that are now being used in your font yard as flower pots, you might be a redneck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 11, 2018, 04:25:59 PM
Lol! I haven't gotten there quite yet! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 12, 2018, 08:42:44 AM
For a guy it means you're a typical bachelor, not sure what it means for a woman.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 12, 2018, 02:15:22 PM
These are some great signs on a community center.  https://mymodernmet.com/funny-puns-signs-indian-hills-community-center/ (https://mymodernmet.com/funny-puns-signs-indian-hills-community-center/)
Examples, but there are more in the link:
(https://mymodernmet.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/funny-puns-signs-india-hills-community-center-1.jpg)

(https://mymodernmet.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/funny-puns-signs-india-hills-community-center-2.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 12, 2018, 02:51:12 PM
I really enjoyed those Jerry, thanks
 Well worth the "click".


(https://mymodernmet.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/funny-puns-signs-india-hills-community-center-18.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on September 12, 2018, 06:12:44 PM
I have a great relationship with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 12, 2018, 08:35:15 PM
Why did the Elephant paint his toe-nails green?
So he could sneak across the Pool Table.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on September 12, 2018, 09:07:59 PM
Why did the spider cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 12, 2018, 09:21:18 PM
Do you wanna hear a Construction Joke?
Too Bad...I am still working on it.
.
.
.
Did you hear about the new movie "Constipation"?
Sorry, It hasn't came out yet.


 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 12, 2018, 09:31:58 PM
Modified for playing to the crowd on this one...

Newlywed Wives of a Scientist, an Engineer, and an Airgunner are together one night talking and naturally the subject takes a "sexual" turn.
 The Scientist wife says "All he want's to do is examine it."  :-\
 The Engineers wife says "All he want's to do is measure it"  :'(
 The Airgunners Wife says... "HECK, he tore it upart on the first night, and has been working on it every since!!"  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 12, 2018, 11:57:50 PM
Why did the skeleton go to the BBQ?


He was looking for a spare rib!






Why did the turkey cross the road?


To prove it wasn't chicken!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 13, 2018, 01:54:48 PM
Skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer and a mop"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 13, 2018, 02:42:22 PM
Why did the turkey cross the road ?

He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

It worked at first too , the drunk people at the barbecue across the street actually thought he was a chicken .................,untill they started to eat him.
One tase and they threw him back.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on September 13, 2018, 03:51:56 PM

I thought the turkey crossed the road to get to the other side.


Now the chicken on the other hand crossed the road to prove to the opossum that it could be done.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 13, 2018, 06:00:54 PM
Why did the turkey cross the road ?

He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

It worked at first too , the drunk people at the barbecue across the street actually thought he was a chicken .................,untill they started to eat him.
One tase and they threw him back.

I recently learned that the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke is actually some pretty dark humor about committing suicide.

"To get to the other side" does not mean the other side of the road...

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 13, 2018, 07:11:29 PM
Why did the turkey cross the road ?

He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

It worked at first too , the drunk people at the barbecue across the street actually thought he was a chicken .................,untill they started to eat him.
One tase and they threw him back.

I recently learned that the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke is actually some pretty dark humor about committing suicide.

"To get to the other side" does not mean the other side of the road...

-Whirly
DANG!
Ya think?
That puts a whole new spin on it and actually makes sense.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 13, 2018, 07:18:04 PM
Why did the turkey cross the road ?

He wanted people to think he was a chicken.

It worked at first too , the drunk people at the barbecue across the street actually thought he was a chicken .................,untill they started to eat him.
One tase and they threw him back.

I recently learned that the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke is actually some pretty dark humor about committing suicide.

"To get to the other side" does not mean the other side of the road...

-Whirly
DANG!
Ya think?
That puts a whole new spin on it and actually makes sense.

Yeah, that was my reaction as well. But it does make sense...

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on September 13, 2018, 07:57:30 PM
The chicken crossed the road to get away from the bigfoot chasing it. Hey bigfoot likes hot wings too. :D

(https://proxy.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-2uZccq2zBvo%2FV-QczwWbZxI%2FAAAAAAAAM2o%2FSZxBk2JkBSYrNVad1Gn_-MsVgdq3Zmp0wCLcB%2Fs1600%2Fbigfootstealschickens.jpg&f=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 13, 2018, 09:54:07 PM
Ya ever looked more deeply into SpongeBob SquarePants?   :o
(There might be an unintended pun in there.)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 14, 2018, 11:04:40 PM
Quantum Physics Monthly
CAT IN THE CAGE
By W. Bruce Cameron
* The Cameron Column, a free Internet newsletter, copyright 2005 W. Bruce
Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ (http://www.wbrucecameron.com/)

I was leafing through a copy of Quantum Physics Monthly the other day (it
was the bathing-suit issue) and came across a reference to a perplexing
question posed by Erwin Schrodinger more than half a century ago.

If you're like me and had to pay Bonnie Vandenskurk a hundred dollars to
help you get a "D" in high school physics, you might vaguely remember the
so-called "Schrodinger's Cat" conundrum as being about as interesting as
everything else in the class.

Erwin "Physics Boy" Schrodinger asked what would happen if one put a cat in
a box and rigged up a hammer, a vial of poison, and a quantum trigger device
(all items Schrodinger apparently had around the house). If an electron is
up, the hammer is cocked, but if it is down, the hammer drops, smashing the
vial and killing the cat.

This situation fascinates physicists, who call it the "Schrodinger
Humdinger." It seems that Schrodinger postulates that the cat in question is
in the "dual state" of being both alive and dead, a startling theory which
causes most physicists to conclude that they need more government funding.

For me, "quantum physics" has always been another way of saying
"drug-induced hallucinations." These guys are always making headlines by
announcing that the universe is actually just a knot of hair in the head of
Mrs. Lillian McClure (age 78) of Ironton, Michigan, or that gravity is
merely a form of mass hysteria, or that Las Vegas is the home of Wayne
Newton, without ever considering the impact it has on the rest of us, which
is to say "not much." But I'm afraid I'm going to have to demolish the
Schrodinger Humdinger, by pointing out that the whole scenario is based on a
false premise, which is that it is possible to stuff a cat into a box in the
first place.

If you have ever had to take a cat to the vet, you know what I mean. Here
are the steps for getting a cat into a cage (the "Cameron's Cat Conundrum"):

1) Pick up cat 2) Push cat toward cage 3) Put iodine on scratches 4) Call
veterinarian, tell him you'll be late for the appointment 5) Wait two days
for cat to reappear 6) Put open can of tuna in the cage 7) Punish dog for
eating tuna 8) Put fresh can of tuna in cage. Place cage out of reach of dog
9) Wait two days for cat to eat tuna 10) Give up, stalk cat through house,
calling "here kitty, want to go for a car ride?" 11) Punish dog for barking
excitedly at the words "car ride" 12) Corner cat, lunge, break coffee table
13) Wait two days for cat to reappear 14) Spot cat, leap on it, wrestle it
to the ground. Carry cat to cage and shove it in

Step #14 sounds like the end of it, except that I have a Humdinger of my
own: Somehow, for every 10% of the cat's mass you manage, at great personal
cost, to cram into the cage, 20% of its mass will escape. This means that
after half an hour of pushing and bleeding, you'll wind up with less cat in
the cage than you started with. And, if you try this at my house, you'll
also have to deal with my dog, who is so determined to prove that she is a
better pet than the cat that her head keeps popping up next to yours,
licking you in the face and trying to force her way into the cage.

Eventually you'll reach the same conclusion I did, which is that the cat is
in the "dual state" of both being not my pet and being not my
responsibility. It's my daughter's cat; let her wait two days for the cat to
reappear and she can take it to the vet. This is the "Quantum Father's
Solution to the Cameron Cat Conundrum," and I'm sure it is only a matter of
time before it receives government funding.

I can always hope, anyway.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 15, 2018, 08:03:24 AM
Just another reason, among many, as to why I don't like cats. This scenario has a much darker potential than illustrated above.
Being of the "not a quitter" mindset, I would continue the battle to the bitter end. Unfortunately, the end would most benefit the dog almost as much as the now free to roam cat as the dog would have full access to my face due to the fact that in my cramped confinement I can't seem to reach the latch on the cage.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Yng@hrt on September 15, 2018, 05:34:19 PM
Quantum Physics Monthly? Took me back to my Minor; picked that class cause everything else was filled. 2 minutes & I was ottathere. Them dudes are on another stratosphere.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 15, 2018, 05:46:11 PM
"Sheldon" would fit right in
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 16, 2018, 07:05:07 AM
...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 16, 2018, 07:38:11 AM
...

Funny!

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 17, 2018, 05:15:15 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road ?

He went to kill that cow that hangs out in front of Chick-fil-a.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 18, 2018, 08:56:17 AM
If I were a chicken I would avoid a Chick-fil-a at all costs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on September 18, 2018, 10:13:54 AM
How did the headless chicken cross the road?

In a KFC bucket...To get to the other side.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 18, 2018, 02:53:03 PM
If I were a chicken I would avoid a Chick-fil-a at all costs.

it's dangerous, but man the smells are too tempting.

Last summer while out grocery shopping I actually saw a real nice looking big rooster lurking around the McDonald's across the street.
I've also seen a chicken and family of duck hanging out in front of a KFC I was eating at.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 18, 2018, 04:07:06 PM
If I were a chicken I would avoid a Chick-fil-a at all costs.

it's dangerous, but man the smells are too tempting.

Last summer while out grocery shopping I actually saw a real nice looking big rooster lurking around the McDonald's across the street.
I've also seen a chicken and family of duck hanging out in front of a KFC I was eating at.

Even birds know that they are delicious...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 18, 2018, 05:28:39 PM
*ALERT*
Thread De-rail
... but I thought it was funny at the time.
While Vacationing in Mexico we have befriended many an employee at the resort. Last visit our Butler said
"Mr. Scotch" (that is what they call me) "If you venture off the resort, and want to try local food, look for a place that has a dog laying out front"
"You know why?"

Typical American tourist I thought I knew the answer and said "Because the Dog knows were the good food is."

Calm as all get out he said,"No Senior.... a Dog won't eat Dog meat."

Put a whole 'nother perspective on "Dog eat Dog World"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 19, 2018, 07:42:34 AM
Funny.. I saw a different ending coming in that story....
I figured if a dog is lying in front of the food joint it would mean that he is safe from being carved up and served to tourists.

The "blue house" out on the hard road has a collection of free range animals that spend a lot of time crossing the road. Banty Hens, Peacocks, chickens of all types and turkeys .. among others.
Many of the cats have no tails. I tell Betty Lou, "those are the slow ones".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 20, 2018, 01:34:28 AM
so, today was talk like a pirate day.


here are a few well known pirate jokes...


a pirate walks into a bar and the bar tender says "did you know you have a ships wheel in your pants"?  the pirate answers..."aye, and it's driving me nuts"!


what's a pirate's favorite class in school?  Arrrrt!


what's a pirate's favorite letter?   Arrrrr?  you'd think so, but it's the C!


now, to talk like a pirate, hold your tongue between your thumb and finger and say,  "i was born on a pirate ship".



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 20, 2018, 07:06:05 AM
so, today was talk like a pirate day.


Awe MAN... you mean I missed it this year!  :'(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 20, 2018, 07:12:48 AM
so, today was talk like a pirate day.


Awe MAN... you mean I missed it this year!  :'(

Ayyyyy
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 20, 2018, 07:07:42 PM
What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?

"Aye Matey!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 21, 2018, 09:25:02 PM
Is it irony that 2 people go to a justice of the Peace to give up that very same Peace?

Ain't it strange that for every 1 man that speaks of how great marriage is, 10 remain silent?

Funny how those who scream loudest about freedom vote and pay for someone else to tell them what they can and can't do.

Why is there so much of the month left at the end of the money?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 21, 2018, 09:38:15 PM



Why is there so much of the month left at the end of the money?


And why are there so FEW paydays and so MANY pay  days!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on September 22, 2018, 05:43:45 AM
David Attenborough Narrates Girlfriend Getting Ready

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDSN1KBHNGk&feature=youtu.be (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDSN1KBHNGk&feature=youtu.be)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 25, 2018, 06:20:58 AM
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42417353_10214544273779563_4054552786459688960_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&oh=af183853fc64237c66f18939630bfa63&oe=5C152371)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on September 25, 2018, 02:53:05 PM
 The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
 
 I live in my own little world, but it's OK.  Everyone knows me there.
 
 I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.  I said, "Left Tackle?”
 
 I don't do drugs.  I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
 
 I don't like political jokes.  I've seen too many get elected.
 
 The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
 
 If life deals you lemons, make lemonade.  If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
 
 Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
 
 Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
 
 No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
 
 Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 
 Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
 
 Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
 
 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
 
 I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
 
 Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
 
 Wouldn't you know it!  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
 
 Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 25, 2018, 10:06:20 PM
OUT-FRIGGIN-STANDING KIETH!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 25, 2018, 10:27:33 PM
HAHAHAHAHA! Keith! Those are GREAT!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 25, 2018, 10:32:43 PM
Quoted from Keith's post above:

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


True story about son #1....when he finally grew up a little and found a place to live that wasn't on the streets, and had bills to pay, he got a job locally driving a delivery truck for a local ice company (they freeze and bag ice to sell).

Well, he was almost still a kid....probably 20 or 21 years of age at the time.
One day, he was sent to deliver a load of ice to a rather remote area to the northwest of town. He drove into the drive and up to the gate, and was greeted by a couple of middle-aged frumpy women.....nude.
We had (maybe still have) a nudist camp within 20 miles of the town nearest where I live, and he wasn't aware of it.
I knew about it, because a couple of the nurses I worked with at the time were members, and used to ask if I wanted to come out...(heck no!)

Anyway....the son found out about the local nudist camp, and was probably psychologically scarred  for life!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: only1harry on September 25, 2018, 10:49:57 PM
Very nice Keith!

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
 
 I live in my own little world, but it's OK.  Everyone knows me there.
 
 I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.  I said, "Left Tackle?”
 
 I don't do drugs.  I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
 
 I don't like political jokes.  I've seen too many get elected.
 
 The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
 
 If life deals you lemons, make lemonade.  If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
 
 Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
 
 Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
 
 No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
 
 Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 
 Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
 
 Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
 
 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
 
 I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
 
 Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
 
 Wouldn't you know it!  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
 
 Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on September 26, 2018, 12:39:49 AM
Quoted from Keith's post above:

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


True story about son #1....when he finally grew up a little and found a place to live that wasn't on the streets, and had bills to pay, he got a job locally driving a delivery truck for a local ice company (they freeze and bag ice to sell).

Well, he was almost still a kid....probably 20 or 21 years of age at the time.
One day, he was sent to deliver a load of ice to a rather remote area to the northwest of town. He drove into the drive and up to the gate, and was greeted by a couple of middle-aged frumpy women.....nude.
We had (maybe still have) a nudist camp within 20 miles of the town nearest where I live, and he wasn't aware of it.
I knew about it, because a couple of the nurses I worked with at the time were members, and used to ask if I wanted to come out...(heck no!)

Anyway....the son found out about the local nudist camp, and was probably psychologically scarred  for life!

Two police officers were on a traffic patrol in a small southern town on a very hot and hazy day.  It was about 98 degrees in the shade and the humidity was so bad even the fish were sweating.

The two members of the local constabulary were in the police cruiser that was backed into a secluded alley; looking for traffic violators.  The car was a 1986 Crown Victoria that had seen better days.  Due to the fiscal restraints some maintenance items had to be deferred.

One of the deferred maintenance items was the vehicle’s air conditioning system.  Unfortunately, the old A/C would decide to stop operating when the mercury got past 90 degrees.

The southern sleuth-hounds were the worse for wear that day as they were kicked out of the station by the Chief and told to catch some speeders if they wanted the money to get the vehicle’s air conditioning fixed.

Because it was after lunch and it was so hot the two crime-stoppers could barely hold their eyes open.  It was nap time for most of this little hamlet in cotton country. 

Our ersatz heroes were no exception.  They did their best to remain alert, but they kept opening and closing their eyes while the bobbing of their heads kept time with an old Hank Williams rendition of “Lonesome Whistle” resonating from a local AM radio station.

It was about 1430 hours according to the police log when two old ladies were standing on the street corner about a block away from the boys in blue.  Both seasoned citizens were suffering from the heat and humidity as bad as the officers; who they did not see backed into the alley.

Martha, the eldest and most adventuresome, looked over at her sister Myrna and exclaimed; “It sure is hot today.”

“I know, sister, my dress and underwear are sticking to me like Elmer’s glue.”


Patting her neck with her handkerchief, Martha blurted out, “Myrna, you just gave me an idea!”

“What is it, Martha?”

“Myrna, how long have we lived in this town and yet we have never done anything daring?”

“My goodness sister, the last time I did anything daring was when I kissed your boyfriend on the…”

“Stop it, Myrna!”

“Dear sister, I don’t know why you’re still angry about that. It was over 60 years ago.  Besides, he eloped with Daisy May Wingate.”

“Oh, shut up.  Why don’t we do something daring right now?  It’s too hot to do anything else and the temperature has given me a brilliant idea!”

“What is it Martha?”

With an evil grin on her Southern Baptist face, Martha looked at her sister and, in a whisper, suggested they go streaking!

Myrna wasn’t taken aback one bit.  The prospect sounded as exciting as kissing her sister’s old boyfriend on the…   

Well, I digress too much.  On with the rest of the story…

Giddily and with the uninhibited exuberance of a two-year-old running around the house in her birthday suit after a bath, the two Brewster sisters took every article of blue gingham clothing and frilly laced unmentionables off then stuffed them in their over-sized handbags that they carried their “cough medicine” in.

The only thing they were wearing were high-heeled shoes and wide-brimmed sun bonnets.  Their spirits were willing, but their flesh was weak.   When the sign said “WALK” they took off across the intersection as fast as their eighty-plus legs would carry them.  They decided to pick up the pace when they saw a snail gaining on them.

With the speed of peanut butter sliding down a window pane, Martha and Myrna passed the black & white Crown Victoria backed up in the alley with both officers’ eyelids as heavy as a copper still.  In case you haven't figured it out by now the overheated constables were as alert as a baby on Benadryl.

About five minutes went by after the senior streakers passed by the officers.  The radio station moved on from Hank Williams to Patsy Cline singing “Crazy.”  And by the time Patti Page started to sing “Tennessee Waltz,” on the radio the sisters had turned the corner and were out of sight.

Rubbing the sleep and sweat out of his eyes, one of the officers exclaimed; “Hey Fred, did you see who went by?”

With a yawn as long as the Texas coastline, Fred replied; “Yep, it was the Brewster sisters, I think.  Didn’t you get a good look at them, Bill?”

Rubbing his eyes again, Bill asked, “Good enough but what the heck were they wearing?”

“I don’t know but it sure needs ironing.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 26, 2018, 12:44:08 AM
Hahahahahahah!!!
:D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on September 26, 2018, 01:39:48 AM
Hahahahahahah!!!
 :D



+2
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: 7624452 on September 29, 2018, 07:18:43 PM
I thought this was a real photo, but reading the names - it seems to be a joke.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on September 29, 2018, 07:44:50 PM
I don't know about the other two, but Flake is his real name...  ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on September 29, 2018, 08:22:28 PM
Is their real names. Yes political jokes do get elected. The first 4.0 joke is the best to me. hehee
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 30, 2018, 10:18:55 AM
"You know, it's at times like these when I'm trapped in an airlock with an
alien and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd
listened to what my mother told me when I was young."


"Why, what did she tell you?"




"I don't know, I didn't listen!"


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 01, 2018, 07:52:13 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/emS6ZrN.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: marty2 on October 01, 2018, 08:18:16 AM
This might be a repeat, but it's really funny....

Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.  The garage is all yours.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.   Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant.  You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park – for that matter, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.


Car mechanics tell you the truth.  The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.  You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.  Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress? $5,000. Tuxedo rental? $100.  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  One mood pretty much all the time.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.  You know stuff about tanks.
 

  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.  You can open all your own jars.  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.  If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.  Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.  Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.  You almost never have strap problems in public.  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.  Everything on your face stays its original color.  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.  You only have to shave your face and neck.
 

You can play with toys all your life.  One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.   You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.  You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.   You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on  December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

 

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.


EATING OUT
 
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
 

BATHROOMS
 
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS
 
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 

MORNING
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matt15 on October 03, 2018, 02:25:51 PM
That is a really good one, Marty!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 03, 2018, 02:42:26 PM
That is a really good one, Marty!

Definitely!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: shorty on October 03, 2018, 05:34:45 PM
Heard this one today.

What do you call a midget waving at you ?

A Microwave  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Yeah I am short "hence the name" (eat it).... >:(

Got to share this too.

I was at the convenient store over the weekend buying some beer. The weekend chick never smiles and seems like she hates life. I put my beer on the counter without a peep from her and or I. She said 4.39 as I was pulling out my wallet I paused, and seen a basket of bananas on the counter and decided to mess around a little. I picked up a banana as if I was answering my phone and began to arguing with my wife that I was buying beer.

Her face went to "holy carp this guy is crazy"

I hung up the banana and smiled so wide and said " do you really think I am that nutz"

I never seen such a huge smile from this chick nor any other reaction and it made my day as I am sure it made her day.

Have fun while you can..... 8) 8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on October 03, 2018, 06:12:26 PM
Very good read Marty!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on October 03, 2018, 06:35:39 PM
Old man and his wife were rocking on the porch one fine afternoon. She gets up, walks over and smacks him plumb out of his chair and off the porch, glasses flying. He gets up, dusts himself off, puts his glasses back on and goes back to rocking. A few minutes later, he asks, " why did you do that?" "That's for being such a rotten lover all these years!!" A little while later, the old man gets up, walks over and knocks her silly. Off the porch, glasses and dentures flying as she goes tumbling. She gets up, dusts herself off, straightens her dress, replaces her glasses and dentures, and returns to rocking. A short while later she asks "and just why did you do that?" He rocks a few more times and says "That's for knowing the difference!!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 03, 2018, 09:05:17 PM
                                                                    The Tale of Sir Prickavance

It was a darkest and stormy of nights. That knight, one Sir Prickavance of Chipping about in far off Oxford, slumped in his saddle, his limp lance dragging disconsolately behind, his shield slung over his shoulder. He was weary of the Melee, the Joust, the whole nine yards. It had been a tiresome day of bloody encounter, unseating and unnerving. He was most anxious to be home in his comfy bed with Ermintrude by his side, or wherever. His only consolation was the warm glow of the magic key in his gauntlet. Its rousing caress fired his imagination with a flaming passion which matched her flaming red tresses, her passionate embrace.

His great black charger stumbled to its knees. He hauled fiercely on the rein, narrowly averting a precipice. "All this iron rolling down those rocks would've woken all yonder neighborhood" he mused wryly. "A symphony of timpani, a thundering of Bong." He lifted his visor and the rain streamed in. Blinking away his tears, he saw a faint, twinkling light through the eerie, swaying forest. Jerking the rein, he pricked his great, courageous mount, a heaving, steaming skin full of sinew, muscle and sweat, the hero of a thousand battles, toward the twinkle.  The ride was like a 76 Chevy with a flat, front and left. The dumb nag had thrown a shoe.
 
Threading their way slowly and carefully through the trees they stumbled valiantly onward. To dismount would have been fatal, regardless of what the RSPA might say. He raised his shield, arrayed with his glorious Coat of Arms, to fend off the branches (It needed another paint job anyway.) He had won the rights to this beautiful Coat of Arms, proudly bearing a fearless little rabbit, (sort of like Bugs Bunny) dancing merrily along, playing the bagpipes, (an actual ancient Coat of Arms, by the way) from Sir Jolliphant of the  Templars, whom he had run through with his lance only two months before, in the Lists at Bruge. He also won Sir Jolliphant’s Key, which he bartered to the widow Lady Jolliphant for 16 milch cows, a Goat, two prize Falcons, Eel fishing rights, and a quick nip into the sack. When he got home Ermintrude fell in love with his little Bunny. She painted it on the boudoir door. In gratitude, she got a large can of Brasso and zestfully buffed and mirrored his armor into a high sheen. Her Prince in Shining Armor.

"Maybe its that blacksmith working late on a weather vane to see if the storm would clear up by the morning." he muttered hopefully in the direction of the twinkling light. "Just maybe he'd still have his bellows primed and pumped. A pox on these Weather Forecasters, anyway. Never do get it together."  The light loomed closer. At fifty feet he saw it under the swaying, creaking lantern. "Ye ole Cock a’ Doodle Doo - Best Ale North of Tiddley."  To say that Sir Prickavance dismounted would be a massive overstatement. After he got one leg over, I believe it was the right but may possibly have been the left, the rest was history, to be left for the archives of the Domesday Book, the Harleians or the county Reeve. From his supine position he viewed upwardly the vast network of swaying wet leaves and branches etched against the madness of the rolling black clouds. He cursed again, even more roundly. And the rain poured in.
 
"Egad and Forsooth" he bellowed. And the tinny vibrations even tickled his Codpiece. Where was that Squire when you needed him? Probably cavorting with that fearsome escapee from the Ducking Stool. He spent five minutes rolling back and forth, finally got up on one elbow. The rest wasn’t easy either. You see, there is a critical point of balance articulating the armorial nodes ……. Oh, well, that’’s not for your tender ears. Very technical stuff.
 
Sounds of hilarious gaiety drifted into his visor. Half an hour later, now erect, he staggered to the door. He hammered with his mailed fist, but not the one in which the Key nestled, of course. Finally, the door creaked open an inch or two. "Mine host?" Sir Prickavance peered bravely.
 
Two almost blue, but very dubious eyes fitted themselves into the slot of the vertical aperture. They slowly swept his disheveled image up and down.
"Ere"the voice sounded badly in need of oil, and may have been of the feminine variety. ’’Ow did you get all that muck over your nice new shining armour?"
 
Sir Prickavance glanced down. Indeed it was true. A distinctive odour drifted upwardly and mobily into his flaring nostrils. Must have been that stupid nag whose alimentary canal was now well navigated. Have to stop feeding him the bran. Fortunately, the pelting rain was washing it down his legs. Wouldn’t Ermintrude be mad?  In another place, had he been dressed in casual mufti, Sir Prickavance would have doffed his plumed hat, stepped back and bowed deeply and profusely. That sort of stuff usually worked with the ladies of the court.  "May I enter, kind mistress?"

"Sorry" cackled the voice. "We’re full."
 
Where had he gone wrong? The aperture in the door that had been, was now merely a grain in the woodwork. Chains rattled a distinct air of finality. It looked like a done deal. Sir Prickavance was not to be non-plussed. He hated negativism. He pondered a few moments, standing bravely in the inclement weather and considered his strategy as the rain bucketed down. His feet were a bit squelchy and he wriggled his toes in the ooze. He clanked a 180. Not even another twinkle in the wet murky forest. He navigated another 180. In desperation, feeling just a little bit like a Hoover salesman, he hammered the door again.  Chains rattled, the door creaked, and the eyes reappeared. "My plight, dear lady, as you can plainly see, is most assuredly deserving of your most gracious mercy" He must have read that in Shakespeare, it was a pretty "dang" good line anyway. He pursued his luck more forcefully at the open crack. "I will bestow a thousand bounties which will be yours if I may briefly enter. And I assure you, I will not incommode you."
 
The eyes swept his soggy, somewhat tarnished image up and down again. "You’ve cleaned yourself off" she allowed grudgingly. "Doesn’t smell so bad either"

The door opened slightly. Underneath the vertical eyes were two horizontal but more menacing eyes. "A bear" Sir Prickavance closed his visor and muttered what might be called a subdued scream. He’d never done a bench test of his armour with bear claws, but he’d slain a few dragons in his time, or so they’d told him the morning after. He reached for his sword called Gwendoline, after dear Mummy. His lance, of course, was called Prickavance after his father, but which was regretfully back leaning against his stupid, now well relieved, but still very lame, nag.
 
"Naw, not a bear" the lady chirped, now with a certain fondness. "Ee’s just a big , shaggy old St.Bernard. Can’’t you see the brandy cask around ‘‘is neck? That’’s standard equipment nowadays" She opened the door wider. "Just for a mo, now, y’ear, no longer. And none of yer ‘anky-panky, and all that knightly stuff. And don’’t drip that muck on my clean floor"
 
Sir Prickavance clanked forward onto the straw covered floor, reaching tentatively to pat the monstrous head. The cask seemed much more inviting and might produce the tale of a Thousand and One Knights. The strains of Rimsky’s music filled the vacuum of his mind. The noise had subsided and abated somewhat. Gentle sonorous, heavy breathing had replaced the loud guffaws and the slap and tickles.
 
"My ol’’ man’s away at the Crusades, y’know." she announced suddenly and with some pride. "But he’s still got the Key"
 
Sir Prickavance could have responded "So what" but that was not the key to this Situation. His own glowed lovingly in his palm. However, if a knightly opportunity presented itself, the Code of Chivalry could be bent a little out of shape for the evening.  "Dear lady" he said, removing his helmet and revealing his beautiful but a head of damp, unruly curls. "Sir Prickavance at your most obedient service. Wouldst thou indulge a very weary warrior with a goblet of your very best?" He noticed that his crest had slipped from its place atop his helmet. He was crestfallen. The crest shaped of molded leather, a mermaid sitting on a rock. Ermintrude had posed for the top half. The bottom was quite another tale.
 
"Charity" she replied. "Scotch?"
 
Sir Prickavance nodded and sipped agreeably. That was the wicked brew from the north. They may wear skirts but they sure knew their malteds.  "Pro rege et patria" he murmured lifting his glass to the King. (To the ill informed that means "For King and Country", and to the informed it still means the same). He’d have preferred brandy but it was probably all stuffed in that stupid St.Bernard’s cask, is was certainly big enough. The dog made an interesting but very large picture which expanded beyond his field of vision. There was more tongue than face.
 
"Charity, Charity, my fair lady" he settled the goblet on the counter. "Is your hubby with King Richard?"
 
She nodded. "Last I ‘eard they were in Istanbul on their way to Jerusalem." Then as an afterthought, "He doesn’t write much, just an 'X."
Sir Prickavance laid all his charm right out there on the counter. "I know his Majesty personally" he mused, tweaking his damp mustache. "His Majesty’s troubadour and my father sang together in the Priory choir," he cajoled. "I don’’t suppose you’ve got a room for the knight" His suave was scintillating. He looked down."And just a teeny-weenie can opener" he sniffed with some distaste. He was not sure which was stronger, horse or him. "And maybe some under-arm stuff?" Maybe he could get a tow-horse in the morning. It wasn’’t exactly Holiday Inn stuff, but once upon a night was enough.
 
The lady softened measurably. "I really am all full up, me lad"
 
He wondered whether she’d said. My Lud, Me Lid, or possibly meant My Lord.
 
She heaved her ample bosom and waved vaguely around the establishment. "Three to the bed." She appeared to be considering the inventory. "Not even a manger. It’s the gathering of the Grand Order of Locksmiths, y’know. They’re redesigning the chastity belts again this year again. You know, the old Feminist Movement is on the march again." She heaved a big prayerful sigh. ’’Ope they’’re a tad more comfortable than last year’s model."
 
Sir Pirckavance glanced furtively around for signs of a runway. "Using live models, eh?" He couldn’t resist another tweak at his mustache. She nodded.  "Hardly a brief encounter?" He looked around hopefully. "They’ll possibly be around for a week or two?" Maybe he wouldn’t need that tow-horse in the morning. His chivalrous heart gained speed, went off the radar screen.
 
She shook her head. "Just overnight." And changed the subject. "Why aren’t you over there with them?"
 
His fervor was replaced by memories. "Went last year, fair maid. Beautiful weather. Gorgeous evenings. Swaying palm trees. Enjoyed all those Turkish delights. Charming people those Saracen girls. Did my thing. I was at Acres, y’ know, near Jerusalem. Beat his Majesty to the punch. Brought back some hostages. And a lot of achers, too." he reminisced ruefully. He gave her a sly wink. "Not even some straw on the floor and a nice warm glass of milk?"
 
She shook her head. "My ol’ man ’d kill me" the thought suddenly chilled her. "What if ‘e threw away the Key. Dropped it deep into the Mediterranean." She shuddered at a lifetime of clinking and skewing. "Drink up, now, you’ll ‘ave to go." Her dismay grew. She wondered if there was a support group for war widows. How did they relieve themselves of this medieval nightmare? Maybe they had counselors? Psychologists? A special and shared interest group? Uncomfortable weekly meetings, all sitting in a circle in the meadow waving as the sun rises? Could they promote a class action chastity suit? Drop some real clangers.
 
"Charity, Charity, where dost thy begin?" Sir Prickavance gazed upward in melancholy, and a trickle of rain sauntered tantalizingly down his tail bone. "An hundred leagues I have ridden. I cannot forsake faith and hope." he wiggled tentatively.
 
Her surprise was reflected in her arched eyebrows, "Ere, you dirty ole devil," she suspicioned . "Where did you meet my sisters, Faith and Hope? My mother would turn over in ‘er grave. You will ‘ave to go" she pointed. "Out"
 
Aback, Sir Prickavance was taken. Faith now, there isn’t even hope for the Irish in him. It was time for a counter attack. He played his considered, last diplomatic ace.  "Where?" he snarled somewhat belligerently. "You silly old termagant." he flamed. "Horse lame, armour rusty, smelly feet, lance bent out of shape, and the mother of all storms out there. Shufty bint" He’d heard that last comment somewhere in the Crusade. Whenever he hollered it, the girls came a running so it must be obscene, he figured. She shrugged implacably and with some determination. She may even have stamped her foot, such was her growing intemperance, but it was not recorded.
 
"Anywhere off the premises" she crackled with loaded, pointed finger. Walking to the door and she opened it with a quiet determination rivaling his own irk. He clanked moodily after her. Stupid mean woman. That tiresome trickle in his tailbone sorely needed to be scratched. He had a strong urge to do an Elvis wiggle.  He was half way out of the door when she had the bright idea. "What about Prince John?"

"Prince John?" He had thoughts of his friend’’s traveling court, a circus, the crouters, the jugglers, and his hopes soared. Maybe they had one of those proud Lipizzaner stallions.  He could picture himself on this huge, great white steed, prancing, kicking up his heels, the envy of the Lists. His colours brightened as he dipped his lance to the beautiful Maid Marion.
 
"Soft," she reached down to pat the St.Bernard, but not very far down. "Y’ know what they say about St.Bernard dogs. They’re trained to ‘elp lost travelers in the ‘Alps. You could ride Prince John ‘ome and return ‘im tomorrow."
 
He eyed Prince John with some disdain. The stupid animal couldn’t even carry his lance. Sir Prickavance looked out through the murk at his tired and lame old nag, now steaming from a thousand raindrops on its head. He turned and looked at Prince John, its tongue a lollygagging aimlessly. He even reconsidered the brandy cask, and it’s thousand and one knights. Then his ire grew. The Animal Rights certainly wouldn’t tolerate this. He seethed. His displeasure welled up inside him with volcanic force, vibrated down to his codpiece in shameful, masochistic pleasure. 

He puffed his chest, he heaved and he roared. "Surely, you daft woman, nobody would even send a Knight out on a Dog like this."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on October 03, 2018, 11:24:42 PM
I wondered where all that was going --- I should have known. ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on October 04, 2018, 12:02:02 AM
that was time i'll never get back :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on October 04, 2018, 08:06:12 AM
Hmmm.... I read all the "blue" stuff first.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 04, 2018, 08:20:58 AM
Half the pleasure in a joke is not just the punch-line but the journey in getting there ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on October 04, 2018, 12:04:02 PM
that was time i'll never get back :P



That was too many words to read for this country boy.  I take it, it was funny lol.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cactusrat on October 04, 2018, 01:13:16 PM
that was time i'll never get back :P



That was too many words to read for this country boy.  I take it, it was funny lol.

Yea, and I had a hard time with some of the big words.  I didn't make it to the end either. But it was sure pretty with all the blue words.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 04, 2018, 01:59:23 PM
that was time i'll never get back :P



That was too many words to read for this country boy.  I take it, it was funny lol.

Yea, and I had a hard time with some of the big words.  I didn't make it to the end either. But it was sure pretty with all the blue words.
So what color would you like?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on October 04, 2018, 02:31:44 PM
"Surely, you daft woman, nobody would even send a Knight out on a Dog like this."

(https://proxy.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia1.break.com%2Fbreakstudios%2F2011%2F8%2F15%2Ftumblr_lcmjxaXYTu1qbpgppo1_500.jpg&f=1)

:P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cactusrat on October 04, 2018, 03:42:23 PM
that was time i'll never get back :P



That was too many words to read for this country boy.  I take it, it was funny lol.

Yea, and I had a hard time with some of the big words.  I didn't make it to the end either. But it was sure pretty with all the blue words.
So what color would you like?

Blue is purty, like the sky.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 04, 2018, 06:01:22 PM
Sorry, I don't know what to make of all this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8oAQOvOEXY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8oAQOvOEXY)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on October 04, 2018, 08:05:03 PM
Just guessing it's got to do with a man's attention span, I often find myself SQUIRREL drifting off while I'm in the middle of a RAT conversation or texting.  Often times, I lose my train of BIRD thought and can't regain it.  I think it has to do with BUTTERFLY age...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 04, 2018, 10:12:34 PM
I can relate..
(https://www.google.com/search?q=there+was+a+spider+meme&oq=tHere+was+a+spider&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l3.19826j0j7&client=ms-android-verizon&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#imgrc=yqIDyg-1bhGpzM:)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 10, 2018, 05:54:20 PM
Went out hunting yesterday and shot me a nice big ram , the driver wasn't happy though.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on October 10, 2018, 05:59:28 PM
It's very rare for a defibrillator to fail.

Still, when it does occur, no one is shocked.

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 10, 2018, 06:08:34 PM
Better told than read but here goes...

- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Interrupting Cow.
- Interrupting C...
- MOOOO!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on October 11, 2018, 11:31:59 PM
A father says to his son:
"My Dear boy, this is a day you will treasure for the rest of your life."

The son says:
"Thanks Dad but the wedding isn't until tomorrow!"
 
The father says:
"I know."

:D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 12, 2018, 10:19:12 AM
I have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on October 12, 2018, 01:43:39 PM
I have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary

I hope things are looking up for your friend. Meanwhile, I hope people don't stair at him.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on October 12, 2018, 04:26:14 PM
I have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary

I hope things are looking up for your friend. Meanwhile, I hope people don't stair at him.


ok, this joke has run it's course, we need to de-escolat-or this could get ugly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 12, 2018, 05:24:35 PM
I have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary

I hope things are looking up for your friend. Meanwhile, I hope people don't stair at him.
ok, this joke has run it's course, we need to de-escolat-or this could get ugly
He needs to take it one step at a time, life has it's ups and downs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on October 12, 2018, 06:50:49 PM
I have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary

I hope things are looking up for your friend. Meanwhile, I hope people don't stair at him.
ok, this joke has run it's course, we need to de-escolat-or this could get ugly
He needs to take it one step at a time, life has it's ups and downs.

What do you call a fast escalator?

An escasooner.

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on October 12, 2018, 07:33:07 PM
Midget sued for telling tall woman her hair smells good.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on October 12, 2018, 07:40:47 PM
Who married Aunt Ant? Uncle Beetle

One female rhino in a group of she-rhinos, "I saw Rhino Neal yesterday, he's gorgeous!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on October 12, 2018, 08:28:43 PM
I have a friend who is terrified by elevators and he is taking steps to avoid them.
Gary

I hope things are looking up for your friend. Meanwhile, I hope people don't stair at him.
ok, this joke has run it's course, we need to de-escolat-or this could get ugly
He needs to take it one step at a time, life has it's ups and downs.

Unlike the elevator these jokes are holding up quite well.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 12, 2018, 08:34:14 PM
"3rd floor... Lotions, Notions, Potions and ... Ladies Lingerie"

My personal "tag line" every time I ride in an elevator and the door opens before my floor.

Hoosier Momma still just rolls her eyes.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on October 12, 2018, 10:04:47 PM
I remember when they had ladies sitting on a stool and running the elevator announcing the floors and what was on them. Was over 60 years ago.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on October 12, 2018, 10:12:58 PM
How can you make The Invisible Man seeable?

Delete I and n.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 13, 2018, 08:13:54 AM
I remember when they had ladies sitting on a stool and running the elevator announcing the floors and what was on them. Was over 60 years ago.

Yep, I remember "Elevator Operators"... They would have been the last of that carrier.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 18, 2018, 03:20:03 PM
I got this text to me today
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on October 18, 2018, 04:37:15 PM
I got this text to me today



Lol, good one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on October 18, 2018, 04:43:51 PM
I remember when they had ladies sitting on a stool and running the elevator announcing the floors and what was on them. Was over 60 years ago.

Yep, I remember "Elevator Operators"... They would have been the last of that carrier.



The last elevator I was in that was manually operated by an old fella with a stool was back at the dentist office my mom took me to. You had to tell him the floor then wait for him to close the gate and press a brass button.  Probably in the early to mid 70's.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 18, 2018, 09:05:16 PM
Mason Blanche in New Orleans in the 40s to go to the eye doctor annually around Thanksgiving.  Yes, the guy on a stool, the gate, and the brass buttons were there too.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maison_Blanche
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on October 18, 2018, 09:40:07 PM
No buttons in the elevator for JC Penny or Blacks Dept Store.  There was a round wheel with a handle coming out that rotated partially each direction depending on whether they wanted to go up or down. Floor numbers were stenciled onto the doors beyond the gate.  Once I rode in the freight elevator and it was all steel mesh and really spooky watching all the cables and wheels.  I remember being afraid it would not stop on the way up and crash out through the roof.  When you are 7 you worry about things like that. I'd still find it creepy.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on October 19, 2018, 12:31:31 AM

I retired from Vanderbilt University which has 100 elevators. I rode in them many times a day.  Each time was somewhat nerve-racking because typically several times a day people would get stuck in them.  Some people overreact in that situation.  I didn't want to be stuck with those type of people for an extended period of time.  Although maintenance had a door release tool, they were required to call the elevator company instead, which could take some time to react or to drive there.  I did get stuck once, but just picked up the red phone which called the dispatch center.  It was still an unusual experience, but at least I was alone.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 21, 2018, 03:24:23 AM
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on October 24, 2018, 09:43:06 AM
With that winning MegaMillions ticket drawn in my own state (it wasn't me!), I'm reminded of an old joke:


A guy prays to God to win the lottery. The next drawing, the winner is some guy on the other end of the country.

He prays again. "O God, please let me win the lottery. I promise to give lots of it away!". The next drawing, the winner is in a state nearby.

Oh, so close! He prays again. "O God, please let me win the lottery. I really, really promise to give lots of it away!". The next drawing, the winner is the next town over!

"Oh God, I know you can answer my prayer! Please, oh please, let me win the lottery!"


A voice from heaven answers, "Yo, work with me here--go get yourself a ticket first!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 24, 2018, 09:46:07 AM
A story from a lady, who writes about her stint of jury duty: I was on a
panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right
off as an intimidating showman.

When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" No
one answered him. Before the pause became too long, though, the judge
announced, "I do.”
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on October 26, 2018, 08:48:05 AM
I could soooo be a judge.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 26, 2018, 11:04:55 AM

Two women who had just met at a health spa were talking about their
lifestyles and how they hope to stay healthy. One asked the other to detail
her daily routine.
"I eat moderately," she replied, "I exercise moderately, I drink moderately,
and I live moderately."
"Is there anything else you do?" her new friend asked.
"Yes," she said, "I lie extensively."

------------------------------------

When I was a child my father told me that the ice-cream truck only played
music when it was sold out. Well played Dad. Well played.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 29, 2018, 09:51:01 AM

TODAY’S STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up, feathers were down
Paper was stationary
Florescent tubing was dimmed in light trading
Knives were up sharply
Cows steered into a bull market
Pencils lost a few points
Hiking equipment was trailing
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline
Weights were up in heavy trading
Light switches were off
Mining equipment hit rock bottom
Diapers remain unchanged
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel
The market for raisins dried up a bit
Sun peaked at midday
Balloon prices were inflated
Toilet paper touched bottom 
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
************************************************************************************

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Received from Thomas Ellsworth]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cbinfl on October 29, 2018, 10:39:43 AM
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on October 29, 2018, 11:06:14 AM
Hahaha! Perhaps a polygamist or two in the stats. :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cactusrat on October 29, 2018, 11:28:35 AM
I married the best cook, house cleaner, never (almost) talks back, good looking, always in the mood when I am, and likes every thing I like. I married my self. The reason for the odd number.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on October 29, 2018, 07:14:57 PM
Today I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother...

Broco Lee.


-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on October 29, 2018, 07:35:42 PM
I just burned my third Hawaiian pizza!

Maybe I should cook them on aloha temperature?

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 29, 2018, 11:35:14 PM
Percival Cuthbert Cadwaller was the consummate “man’s man.”  He was what every woman desired and what every man wanted to be like.  He was rich, handsome, debonair, charming, witty and effervescent.  He was a business tycoon with a stock portfolio that divorce lawyers dream of getting their hands on.  He had investments in everything from toilet paper to male enhancement products, real estate and multinational munitions sales.

He was the “catch” that every woman desired except when he opened his mouth.  He could carry on a conversation with the best of the socialites at exclusive cocktail parties and wow an audience in the court room or the board room.  EXCEPT when he got nervous.  That was his Achilles's heal.  His nervousness would cause him to stutter and his voice had a piercing nasal quality that sounded like budgies mating.

Percival Cuthbert Cadwaller had one weakness; women.  He liked them and he liked their company.  He adored beautiful women.  He longed for the companionship that only feminine charms could bestow upon this very rich and very handsome Bon Vivant.  Yet, whenever, he got intimate with a beautiful lady, everything in him fell apart like Jack Benny’s 1928 Maxwell on the Santa Monica Freeway.  He couldn’t get it together with any woman no matter how sexy she was.

He would try to tell her how gorgeous she was but when the words came out it was in a screeching staccato that sounded like a combination of ball bearings dropping on cymbals and fingernails dragging across a chalkboard.  It was worse than the grinding and galling you hear in a defective Beeman R7.  This would ruin the moment no matter how desirable his other assets were.

And that name!  Oh, how he hated his name.  He wanted to change it but his mother was still living.  She would never let him forget it if he ever changed it.  When he was in school, his classmates would giggle and call him “Percy.”  As handsome and as rugged as he looked he wasn’t much of an athlete.  Whenever he would try to catch a ball, any ball, he would get slammed in the face with it.  That’s when the rest of the boys would tease him and call him “Pretty Percy.”

The fact that he was a failure in athletics and love spurred him on to bigger and better things; like making money and lot’s of it.  He made his fortune in the stock market and real estate.  That led to bigger and better investments in pharmaceuticals, defense technology investments and politics.  He didn’t run for office himself but backed the best candidates.  This little narrative will not mention any names but let’s say those political connections were stepping stones to very lucrative contracts.

Percival Cuthbert Cadwaller was so successful that people stopped calling him “Pretty Percy.”  Instead he was known by everyone but the closest associates as “Mr. C.”  The high-rollers and close friends that he rubbed elbows with called him “P.C.”

With all of his success, P.C. was hopelessly lovelorn.  Nothing would make him truly happy till he could find “Mrs. Right.”  His nervous habit of stuttering and squawking like a sick parrot when he got close to a lady didn’t help him.

Early on a spring evening, P.C. gave the chauffer and the servants the night off.  He gave them all a three-day break and a bonus telling them to go have a good time.  While they were off on their spring break, P.C. decided to pull himself up by his own boot straps.  He got dressed for dinner out on the town.  He drove his Lamborghini to the city’s best 5-star restaurant.  It was more than 5-star.  It was the most exclusive restaurant in town.

After he sat down, his enthusiasm wilted like a daisy in a desert.  He was the only person in the establishment to be seated at a table-for-one.  To say that this place oozed and dripped with romance was an understatement.  The entire ambiance satiated not only the palate but the heart strings. 

The men were impeccably attired in tuxedos while their lovely dinner companions were adorned in strapless evening dresses that cost more than a limited-edition Anschutz field target air rifle.  The joint didn’t lack any of the hoity-toity celebrities who were serenaded with violin music and feted with champagne cocktails.   The chandeliers sparkled like stars in the Milky Way on a moonless ocean on a calm clear night. 

The candle-lit tables were covered with the finest Parisian silk table cloths.  Only the finest and freshest caviar from the rare albino sturgeon that swims the Caspian Sea is served here along with a succulent shrimp cocktail from finest Taiwanese hatcheries.  No menus are offered to dinner guests.  Meals are tailored made with suggestions from waiters recruited from the best continental European establishments.  Romance bloomed behind every bouquet of roses that festooned the walls and marble counter tops that the manager inspected with his white glove; which he changed about every 30 minutes.

Romance was in bloom this spring evening but not for Mr. C.  Lost, forlorn and lonely, he decided to “pack it in” for the night.  He slipped a C-note under the candle and rose from his chair.  He stood at the table, mesmerized for a second by the flickering flame and afraid that someone had seen him – alone.  He gathered up the courage to leave – alone.  He tried to ignore the lump in his throat and the gnawing pain in his stomach as the “Pretty Percy” insults replayed over and over again in his memory bank.  He tried to tell himself that he wasn’t “Pretty Percy” anymore.  He was “Mr. C.” and by gosh he was going to walk out of there with his head held high even if he didn't have lovely lady like everyone else!

Lifting his head and looking straight ahead, he noticed an angelic aberration chatting with the maître d'.  Frozen with astonishment he gazed at the most beautiful red-headed femme fantasia that had ever graced the planet.  Mr. C was captivated by her long silken red tresses that cascaded over her bare, silky smooth and perfectly proportioned shoulders. 

Her hour glass figure was poured into a strapless sequined evening dress that brought the ire and envy of every woman in the tri-state area.  Her piercing blue eyes were sapphire lights from the heavens.  The crimson red lips parted with rapt sensuality revealing ivory white teeth and every word from her mouth was like a musical note that drifted hypnotically over a warm ocean breeze. 

She just didn’t walk – she glided across the floor like a seductive, spectral sensation that stole every man’s attention in the room.  The minstrels stopped their romantic accompaniment to serenade the red-headed sensation with a haunting melody that caused the testosterone level of every male to pop like champagne corks.  This brought a slap in the face to one man from his lady that he didn’t even feel.  Another jealous wife poured a bucket of ice in her husband’s lap.

To say that P.C. was in love would be an understatement.  His chin dropped to his belt buckle as she made her way toward his table.  As she was being escorted to her table by the maître d', she tripped over a chair leg and bumped into his table.  In the process, her glass eye popped out of its socket!

This happens faster that it takes to tell the story but P.C. (who could never catch a ball to save his soul) caught the artificial eye in one hand while steadying her with the other on her elbow.  Without anyone noticing, he slipped the prosthesis in her hand.  Realizing that someone came to her rescue, she deftly, put the eye back in her socket without any of the other dinner patrons catching nary a glimpse.

She quickly determined that this knight in shining armor was alone for dinner and inquired if they could dine together.  P.C. didn’t give a darn about the glass eye and said; “of course.”

Introductions were made.  Rather than giving his initials he gave his first name not realizing what he said. Too late!

She smiled and said; “Percival!”  She tilted her head revealing the softness of her neck through her silken red tresses.  “My goodness, that’s a very distinguished name.”

For once, he was proud of the name his mother had given him.  He was, henceforth, a new man.  They soon discovered that they had so much in common.  They liked the same movies, literature, hobbies and food.  It was as if they were old friends, renewing a relationship lost from a bygone era.  They supped on a banquet of Duck a l'Orange with a dessert of Apricot Tart Flambe.  They carefully nursed a bottle of Rothschild’s ’97 throughout the enchanted evening. 

Percival was so captivated that he almost failed to see her pick up the check.  It was too late.  He told her that he could not let her do that.  She insisted and proffered another opportunity to be with her for dinner again the next evening.  Sir Percival, the knight in shining armor, demurred. He agreed to dinner the next evening. 

By now, you are all wanting me to cut to the chase in this hair brained harlequin romance.  Suffice it to say, that this became one big sickening syrupy sappy love story.

Percival and his red headed love interest were joined at the hip 24/7.  They couldn’t stand to be apart from each other.  He was a stallion in a field of fillies when he was alone with her.  His stuttering and squawking days were ancient history.  She was as enraptured with him as he was with her.  This was the love story of the century with evenings spent holding hands in the moonlight as the two walked across the beach.  Candle light dinners every evening.  Champagne in the Jacuzzi.  Horseback riding on his estate.  And well - other things.

Spring gave way to summer and summer to fall.  They basked in each other’s love on cool nights going for carriage rides in the city.  They made out like high school freshmen on their first date in the back of movie theaters.  Their e-mails were filled with adoration and amore.  They couldn’t stop texting each other.  They were so much in love that he didn’t need to ask the question.  One minute they were strangers in a restaurant and now they were engaged.  The ring on the future Mrs. Cadwaller was the size of the Rock of Gibraltar.  Percival’s mother could not have been happier.

One night after he had given the servant’s the night off, they were alone in the living room.  The moon was rising in the east.  The sun sank lazily in the west.  The logs on the fire place filled the cozy expanse with a warm orange glow.  The two star-crossed lovers reclined in each other’s arms on the sofa as two empty wine glasses and a bottle of Merlot kept company on the coffee table.

Percival, who never failed to be eloquent now that he found Mrs. Right, wrapped his arms around her.  He kissed her lightly on the cheek and asked; “Darling, how did a woman like you ever fall in love with a man like me?”

She smiled with her crimson lips, tightened her embrace, pressed her cheek to his and said; “Oh ………. I guess…………….. you just sort of ………………. caught my eye.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on October 30, 2018, 12:01:47 AM
The joke is on me.  That is some time I'll never get back. :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 30, 2018, 12:26:42 AM
The joke is on me.  That is some time I'll never get back. :P
It's not every day you are entertained with a love story on this forum but feel free to pass it on to someone you don't like ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on October 30, 2018, 02:11:36 PM
I just burned my third Hawaiian pizza!

Maybe I should cook them on aloha temperature?

-W

That's such a good one! I can't stop laughing. That's so ridiculous it's hilarious! Short n sweet hard to beat. :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 30, 2018, 07:23:09 PM
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about
two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says. "We
just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take
us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says. "We just lost
another engine but it's all right. We have two more. It will take us another
half hour though."

One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines, we will be up
here all day?"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 30, 2018, 09:54:05 PM
Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."

The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."

"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.

"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!

GET IT?
Well OK, Try this...

A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?

?
?

A BRICK!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 30, 2018, 11:13:32 PM
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer
suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing
$10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $500."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the
cry, "$550!"

---------------------------------------------------------------

The alternative to a vacation is to stay home and tip every third person you
see.

Gary
Title: Probably time to get new glasses.......
Post by: strever on October 30, 2018, 11:56:25 PM
Time for new glasses
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 31, 2018, 04:17:50 AM
There was a bit of confusion at the Bass Pro Sporting Goods store this morning.  When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said: “strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.  I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! I still don’t think I looked that bad!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 08, 2018, 11:39:05 AM
What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
 The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
 When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
 Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
 The little girl replied,   
“Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cactusrat on November 08, 2018, 12:35:47 PM
LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 08, 2018, 12:55:30 PM
Grampa is going to be sleeping the the tool shed for a while.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 08, 2018, 12:59:08 PM
HAHAHAHA!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 10, 2018, 10:34:23 AM
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and
watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of
pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.

"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for
him."

"And when was that?"

"When he asked for a second cup."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 10, 2018, 10:58:01 AM
Heh Heh.
That reminded me of this one.....

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 13, 2018, 06:27:21 PM
During the initial space flights, NASA discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions.

To beat the problem, NASA spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.

All this time, the Russians used a pencil.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on November 13, 2018, 09:38:09 PM
True story (happened this week at the school where my wife volunteers):

A kindergarten teacher gets talking with her students about Thanksgiving. They are talking about what part of the turkey they like best. Breast meat, drumsticks, etc. Something makes her then ask them about what part of a chicken they like best.

The kids are confused for a moment, not seeing the relationship between chicken and turkey parts when one of them says "the nuggets!" and all the kids nod in agreement...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on November 14, 2018, 06:08:21 PM
During the initial space flights, NASA discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions.

To beat the problem, NASA spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.

All this time, the Russians used a pencil.

Those poor Russians couldn't afford to solve the potential problem of wood shavings , graphite particles, and sharp broken pencil tips floating in the air   ;)
Who wants to wear eye protection and and a dust mask while using a pencil  ;D

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 15, 2018, 09:44:52 AM
A patient at the dental office where I work stopped by my desk to pay her
bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients do when
they have a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag, and
proceeded to pay in cash.

---------------------------------------------------------------



When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to
my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up
so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise.
She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."

Relieved, I started to ring up the sale, until she interrupted me.
"Can I have another pack?  This one's been opened."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on November 15, 2018, 07:48:12 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/45817974_1983374075288363_7946735373676183552_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=e9bc4b796f70e9004ca9be78ed5e1694&oe=5C6A1F7A)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on November 15, 2018, 08:44:50 PM
And THAT m'dear, is the truth!
Lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 16, 2018, 09:26:51 AM
Officer:  Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier:  Sure, buddy.  (starts looking for change...)

Officer:  That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
           Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier:  No, SIR!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Nathan on November 16, 2018, 12:21:22 PM
Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.    He might just be in a coma or something."      The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck    from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."   The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!   The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Nathan
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on November 16, 2018, 12:39:41 PM
Teacher: John, spell V%AGINA

John: V A G I...oh, I forgot the correct spelling, ma'am, but last light it was at the tip of my tongue.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 16, 2018, 01:18:33 PM
Yes, there are people like this.... and they're allowed to breed.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cactusrat on November 16, 2018, 03:15:21 PM
My cousin married one. He almost put his eye out with a scope on his shotgun.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on November 16, 2018, 05:37:00 PM
Yes, there are people like this.... and they're allowed to breed.

What the...?  ???  Some actually vote too.  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on November 16, 2018, 06:46:01 PM
My cousin married one. He almost put his eye out with a scope on his shotgun.

Ouch.

I hope that folks don't recoil in horror at his disfigurement.

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on November 17, 2018, 03:49:27 PM
That strapped shotgun is the best thing I've seen in a long time.  And, you know, Clem, those straps are rated for 1000 lbs each.  That scope won't move...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 26, 2018, 10:41:38 AM
 DON'T MESS WITH LOUISIANA !!!!!!!
President Donald Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.  "Hello, Mr. Presdent Trump," in a heavily accented Cajun voice said. "Dis' is Boudreaux, down here at Slim's in Kinder, I am callin' to tell ya'll dat we declaring war on ya!"
"Well Boudreaux," President Trump replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Boud, "dere's myself, my brother-in-law, Thib, my next-door-neighbor, Bubba, and a few other gator huntn' buddies. Dat makes eight!"
President Trump paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux. that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Boudreaux, "call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Boud called again. "Mr. Presdent, da war is on!  We got us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" President Trump asked.
"We got us two combines, couple of 4 wheelers, a piroque, and Thib's John Deere."
President Trump sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Boud, "be gitting back to ya cher."
Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "Presdent Trump, da war is still on!  We got ourselves airborne!  Bubba fixed his ultra-lite wit a couple of shotguns in da cockpit, and four vets from the VFW signed up!"
The President was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Boudreaux that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Oh Lord," said Boud, "Call ya back."
Sure enough, Boudreaux called again the next day. "Presdent Trump, sorry to tell you dat we have called off da war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said President Trump. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well sir," said Boudreaux, "we all sat down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to think of it, dere's just no way our wives can make enough gumbo to feed two million prisoners."
LOUISIANA CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN !!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: aviator on November 26, 2018, 06:14:06 PM
two dogs are sitting next to each other talking, one says to the other; did you know that humans don't lick themselves clean after they go to the bath room?, the other dog replies; oh man, that's disgusting!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 26, 2018, 06:21:19 PM
Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?

A: They get their masters.

(https://www.dfordog.co.uk/user/images/funnies/talking-dog-for-sale.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on November 26, 2018, 06:50:40 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/46666532_1990799327879171_6041590930320916480_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=e4fd41cbe56c088d15a7f6d906a32a7d&oe=5C6A4971)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on November 28, 2018, 11:26:58 AM
I've become an expert at identifying birds, but my friend didn't believe me.

Okay, he said, trying to prove me wrong, "can you tell me what all those ones flying over that tree are?"

Without hesitation, I knowingly replied, "Yep, those are birds."

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 28, 2018, 11:45:17 AM
My Mrs. sent me to the store.  On the way there, I stopped next to every roadkill I came to and spray painted its back. 
That way, I could stop on the way home and collect all those that had NO paint marking. 
I like my roadkill to be FRESH!


True story:  I was leaving a local grocery store when a young woman drove up in a pickup truck.  (She worked there as a cashier.)  I glanced in the bed as I walked behind the truck and saw a dead squirrel.  As she exited the truck, I asked why she had a dead squirrel?  She told me that she had seen when it was killed by a car traveling in the opposite direction.  She was going to call her brother to come get it to clean for supper.  [She will make some lucky man a fine wife someday.]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: shorty on November 28, 2018, 04:50:23 PM
Talking to my wife, I mentioned that I think I would like to be cremated instead buried whole. She said that sounds great, I'll book you an appointment next week. >:(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 28, 2018, 08:47:12 PM
My Ex wife must really have got around...
I bought a used car and there was a pair of her panties in the glove box.
 :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on November 28, 2018, 09:35:53 PM
Okay Mike.....to have real redneck woman cred, she needs to have field-dressed it at the very least! Haha  :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on November 28, 2018, 09:39:40 PM
(https://forum.snipershide.com/attachments/1543365249165-png.6977002/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on November 28, 2018, 09:40:35 PM
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be the Man of Your House.

He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and...well... you get the point.

"Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.... Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on November 28, 2018, 09:42:36 PM
(https://forum.snipershide.com/attachments/vnfwjyg-jpg.6976761/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 28, 2018, 09:43:59 PM
Liz, she looked liked she could have handled that little task very well.  But, she was on her way into work.
When I was still teaching, there was one girl that would come to school straight from the duck blind - camo clothes and all.  Back then, the shotguns were still carried in the gun rack across the rear window.  Guns on campus were a regular and accepted practice.  (Wow, times have really changed.)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on November 28, 2018, 11:03:12 PM
Yes Mike, they HAVE!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 30, 2018, 06:52:02 PM
I was driving back from Michigan the other night and saw a hitch hiker on the road.
Being the kind of Guy I am? I stopped to pick him up.

As we started down the lonely back road he commented with a chuckle,
"It was nice of you to stop. But how do you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I could only tell him............

"The odds of 2 serial killers meeting like this on a back road is astronomical!"
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on November 30, 2018, 07:11:46 PM
I was driving back from Michigan the other night and saw a hitch hiker on the road.
Being the kind of Guy I am? I stopped to pick him up.

As we started down the lonely back road he commented with a chuckle,
"It was nice of you to stop. But how do you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I could only tell him............

"The odds of 2 serial killers meeting like this on a back road is astronomical!"
 ;D

That's really scary and warped.

Love it!

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on November 30, 2018, 07:16:29 PM
Good one Jeff.  😄
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on November 30, 2018, 11:50:27 PM
 :o ;D ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cbinfl on December 01, 2018, 02:03:02 PM
A dislectic walks into a bra ...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on December 01, 2018, 02:32:04 PM
A dislectic walks into a bra ...

No sense.

Must be dyslexic.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 01, 2018, 03:14:48 PM
'Bout as much as the two dyslexic theologians who contemplated the existence of dog.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 02, 2018, 06:02:49 PM
Nancy was telling me that Women are better at multi-tasking then men so I told her to shut up and make me some pancakes.
Needless to say she could not do that!
That disproves her statements!
By the way. Doc says I should be able to walk again in a few weeks but I may suffer some memory loss.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 02, 2018, 07:05:53 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47453998_1995038007455303_2762969525421867008_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=305f9e8f8ee9b2f9456d02c58f176fae&oe=5CA62CF2)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 03, 2018, 07:40:08 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47265861_1184203628421174_6028407356407152640_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=ee4ce7048198cb996174bee02f538d62&oe=5C649D42)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on December 03, 2018, 09:34:01 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 04, 2018, 01:20:47 AM
ROFLACGU
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 06, 2018, 12:03:03 PM
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 06, 2018, 09:30:17 PM

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap
if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put
his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made
a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards,
scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife,
when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I
forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I
had to do all the rest."


---------------------------------------------------------------

A smart man only believes half of what he hears.
A wise man knows which half.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on December 06, 2018, 10:35:26 PM
"And now you know...the rest of the story.  Good day."  ;D

--folks already on the downhill slope will get that.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on December 06, 2018, 10:51:45 PM
HEY HEY HEY.... I resemble that! :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on December 06, 2018, 11:03:59 PM
HEY HEY HEY.... I resemble that! :P

Don't we all? Lol!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 07, 2018, 06:57:19 AM
Mark, I really miss Paul. Those were some good radio shows.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on December 07, 2018, 08:41:00 AM
Paul Harvey?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on December 07, 2018, 11:22:02 AM
It was hard to tell the difference between his son when he took over.  I don't know whatever happen to him.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 07, 2018, 12:16:45 PM
This is what I found:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Harvey_Jr.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on December 07, 2018, 01:26:03 PM
If somebody gives me one point, that's fine.

But if somebody gives me two points, that's where I draw the line.

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 07, 2018, 01:52:18 PM
Now that I like....  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 07, 2018, 02:37:51 PM
My Step Son, who spent way to much time on the computer, and I had a talk about life.
I told him he needed to move out so he asked me why.
I explained he wanted to live in a 3D World and explained what a 3D World is.
There's the Door, There's the Driveway, and Don't come back.
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on December 07, 2018, 04:39:19 PM
Geeze you're harsh Jeff.   ;)

Good for you!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 07, 2018, 05:29:30 PM
Most honest used car ad I've ever seen!

(https://pics.me.me/most-honest-used-car-ad-ive-ever-seen-2003-vw-38293194.png)

So....Catch phrase of the day at work today was...
"Couldn't get "blank" with a fist full of bananas"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 08, 2018, 02:26:00 PM
I'm working on an invisibility blanket!
What ever you throw it over disappears from sight.
However you can still see the blanket so I have a few technical details to work out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 08, 2018, 03:42:59 PM
I saw these posted on another forum:

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

Money talks .. but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?

I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T . Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on December 08, 2018, 04:56:16 PM
Lol, Tater sir!

I always like what you post here  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 08, 2018, 05:47:15 PM
Best one right there! Has me crying!

You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

And harder to kidnap! :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bReTt on December 08, 2018, 09:33:20 PM
The flu bug

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 09, 2018, 09:43:48 PM
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized
the Maître D, "but there are no tables available."

"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be
Gregory R. Caruthers, the sportsman."

"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table
available this evening."

"I bet if the President came in and asked for a table, there'd be one
available."

"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available
for the President."

"Good! I'll take it. He isn't coming!”


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 10, 2018, 02:53:08 PM
This one always made me giggle.    :D
Cows with guns (https://youtu.be/FQMbXvn2RNI)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on December 10, 2018, 07:14:41 PM
Now that's just silly!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 10, 2018, 07:17:11 PM
Good one Tater /\/\/\/\

(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48275612_1998764683749302_3190783001503989760_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=e60e4b8ae3b8b8b004e6ef2f4d24a4df&oe=5CA2136B)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: rangerfredbob on December 10, 2018, 10:42:45 PM
pretty much sums it up...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 11, 2018, 08:27:09 AM
There seems to be more of them around the holidays. ::)

(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48165565_1999310407028063_7991718035046006784_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=ea1bd799abcbbcaca02192cc6ef22044&oe=5CAA7AC5)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 11, 2018, 03:18:44 PM
LOL Kris.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on December 11, 2018, 04:50:07 PM
If this doesn't give you a smile....................


https://www.youtube.com/embed/4qo27xcVS5I (https://www.youtube.com/embed/4qo27xcVS5I)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 11, 2018, 04:58:34 PM
If this doesn't give you a smile....................


https://www.youtube.com/embed/4qo27xcVS5I (https://www.youtube.com/embed/4qo27xcVS5I)


I sure did get a smile. Good video sir.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 11, 2018, 04:59:31 PM
/\/\/\/\/\ Perfect, the expressions are so classic. Thanks for the smile.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 11, 2018, 05:43:26 PM
Daughter #1 has a trampoline. daughter #3 has a boxer.
Too funny!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 11, 2018, 08:31:53 PM
My grandson crawled up on my lap and we both got a good laugh from that video.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 11, 2018, 09:48:17 PM
Saw a dude wearing a Tshirt that said:

It's all fun and games until
someone gets hurt....

....then it's hilarious!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 12, 2018, 08:59:57 AM
........ I'm just easier to see.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 12, 2018, 10:20:39 AM
Saw a dude wearing a Tshirt that said:

It's all fun and games until
someone gets hurt....

....then it's hilarious!
Usually the Tshirt hides the stitches (and the tattoo that says "THAT WAS A STUPID TO DO". )
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 12, 2018, 10:23:06 AM
I like the one with the stick people roasting hotdogs around a campfire.

ITS ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOOSES A WIENER.

GARY
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 12, 2018, 11:12:26 AM
........ I'm just easier to see.

I like the one goes: She's not fat. She's just got it all!

Winning! :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 12, 2018, 11:32:19 AM
The Mother of a 10 year old boy knows it is time her son is about to stop "believing" and when he comes to her and says...
"Mom, I've learned something about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."
 She thinks to herself, she knows what is about to take place. She plays it calm and says..
"What is that Dear?"
Boy replies...
"They are nocturnal!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 13, 2018, 10:52:14 AM
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Yng@hrt on December 13, 2018, 10:58:48 AM
^^^W/o getting into the nuts & bolts for prompting such an editorial...LUV IT!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 13, 2018, 01:31:30 PM
Thank you Jeff.
I agree that everything is over-regulated and some of the federal regulations are just that stupid.
In about 1970 there was a cartoon showing an "OSHA Cowboy".
If someone still has that cartoon, please post it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on December 13, 2018, 01:33:24 PM
Merry modern Christmas!
...oops...can I say that??!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 13, 2018, 01:41:23 PM
My dyslectic girlfriend broke up with me.  She sent a John Deere letter.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 13, 2018, 01:50:12 PM
Thank you Jeff.
I agree that everything is over-regulated and some of the federal regulations are just that stupid.
In about 1970 there was a cartoon showing an "OSHA Cowboy".
If someone still has that cartoon, please post it.
(https://tromainegardens.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/osha-cowboy.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 13, 2018, 01:55:15 PM
In about 1970 there was a cartoon showing an "OSHA Cowboy".
If someone still has that cartoon, please post it.

Ya'll mean dis un here?

(https://ehssafetynews.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/osha_cowboy.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on December 13, 2018, 02:02:06 PM


Ya'll mean dis un here?

(https://ehssafetynews.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/osha_cowboy.jpg)




LOL,  That's about right.  I use to install security systems in financial institutions.  Every time OSHA would show up, everyone would just stop working and take a break until they left. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 13, 2018, 03:11:23 PM


  Every time OSHA would show up, everyone would just stop working and take a break until they left.
2 things you can depend on.

1. Turn the lights on in a roach filled room and the roaches will scatter.
2. When OSHA shows up on a job site the workers will scatter.
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on December 13, 2018, 03:21:08 PM
Kinda like the health dept showing up at a restaurant during lunch hour & writing them up for having crumbs on the cutting boards.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 13, 2018, 06:43:57 PM
Keith,
Thank you for the O.S.H.A Cowboy!
That is the one that I was trying to find.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 13, 2018, 06:50:14 PM
 ::)
Just like home...
 :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 14, 2018, 09:26:22 AM
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and
hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable
keyboard along.  He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients'
bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShakySarge on December 14, 2018, 09:32:40 AM
Helen Keller walks into a bar........... and a chair, and a table, and a wall...............
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 14, 2018, 09:47:15 AM
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
She answered the iron.

How did she burn her other ear?
They called back.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShakySarge on December 14, 2018, 09:51:04 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on December 14, 2018, 09:58:26 AM
Keith,
Thank you for the O.S.H.A Cowboy!
That is the one that I was trying to find.



Thanks, but the picture was from Hoosier Daddy.


I saw a fella receive a personal fine of $500 for improperly standing on a A-frame ladder.  Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get'er done.  OSHA lives in a bubble, but I know they have to eat too, which is really what it's all about (In the name of safety of course).
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 14, 2018, 10:20:25 AM
Thanks to Hoosier Daddy!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 14, 2018, 11:10:01 AM
Ha ha... no problem.

Here is an OSHA uniform for you.

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BSYpzA1IMAAiOU0.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 14, 2018, 11:16:38 AM
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".
John came fifth and won a toaster.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on December 14, 2018, 11:22:07 AM
Ha ha... no problem.

Here is an OSHA uniform for you.

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BSYpzA1IMAAiOU0.jpg)

Where is his helmet/faceshield and chemical resistant gloves? :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on December 14, 2018, 11:23:13 AM
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".
John came fifth and won a toaster.
HA!HA! ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 14, 2018, 12:01:49 PM
Most people think that when you find a discarded coin in your house it got there by accident.
I actually think it was brought there by spiders trying to pay you rent.


Don’t you just hate it when your clothes mysteriously vanish and you get arrested for being half-naked in public.
That’s the last time I'll ever wear Bermuda shorts!


Bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on December 14, 2018, 12:51:48 PM
Most people think that when you find a discarded coin in your house it got there by accident.
I actually think it was brought there by spiders trying to pay you rent.


Don’t you just hate it when your clothes mysteriously vanish and you get arrested for being half-naked in public.
That’s the last time I'll ever wear Bermuda shorts!


Bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



Catch you later.  See ya next fall.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 14, 2018, 02:15:26 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48357604_2547499568626055_9206513620203077632_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=fbfca5a9c3800fb4bb14705762a39e32&oe=5C8DCA17)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 14, 2018, 06:02:33 PM
LOVE IT KRIS...

Now seeing the post above reminded me of an actual story.
My Daughter #3 has a good theory.
The clothes dryer is a portal....
That mate to the random sock you find?
It was changed into a plastic container lid and transport to the kitchen cabinet.


I believe her.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 15, 2018, 11:12:55 AM
Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parrot.
We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on December 15, 2018, 11:32:20 AM
Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parrot.
We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on December 15, 2018, 03:21:32 PM
Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parrot.
We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

LOL

Yeah, lol!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 15, 2018, 03:46:42 PM
I created a DVD to help you test your dogs IQ!
Here's how it works:
If you send me $12.99 and shipping for the DVD?
Your dog is smarter then you.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 15, 2018, 04:37:10 PM
Don't know if it's been posted (maybe by me) or not, so here goes...

You know why a Divorce is so expensive?
It's WORTH it.

You know why most Husbands die before their Wives?
They WANT to.

Just for the record, I love Hoosier Momma, she is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I still miss my Ex.... but my aim is improving.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 15, 2018, 05:35:53 PM
Scott,
Relationships are a lot like algebra.

You spend a lot of time thinking about Xs and trying to figure out the Ys.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 15, 2018, 06:22:19 PM
Jeff, ain't that the truth!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 15, 2018, 07:01:04 PM
It's not that she's bossy, she just knows what you should be doing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 16, 2018, 10:57:44 AM
When i was a child, my mother sent me to the grocery with one dollar.
I came back with 7 potatoes, 8 eggs, a pound of butter, a pound of flour, 3 bottles of beer and 2 sausages. Not possible anymore!
Those cameras are everywhere.

Speaking of stores.....
You ever noticed how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your pants and get into one of their beds?


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 16, 2018, 11:18:32 AM
3 times a week (every other day) I got a dime allowance, I could walk to the corner store and I would get EITHER a can of pop (soda), a twin pack Reese's cups , or a 3 Musketeers bar.
OR (my favorite) a Marathon Bar!
 "Nobody eats a Marathon Bar quick...Carl"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifzlaV7HZDQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifzlaV7HZDQ)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 16, 2018, 11:36:02 AM
SWMBO just told me she doesn’t care what she gets for Christmas as long as it has diamonds in it.

A pack of playing cards it is then!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 16, 2018, 02:31:58 PM
So I went to Wal*Mart  to get SWMBO the playing cards for Christmas.
Since I got my concealed carry permit yesterday, I decided to get a small 9mm pistol for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun-control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided?
I found out she was telling me how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
Title: It not worthy getting old
Post by: strever on December 17, 2018, 08:28:00 PM

An unnamed 70-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said "take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".
 The next day the 71-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him back the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc, it's like this first, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then, with her left..still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...
' The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar opened".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mukilteo on December 17, 2018, 08:55:36 PM
^
Now that one got me laughing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 17, 2018, 09:11:11 PM
Electronics?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 18, 2018, 10:35:06 PM
Most people think that when you find a discarded coin in your house it got there by accident.
I actually think it was brought there by spiders trying to pay you rent.


Don’t you just hate it when your clothes mysteriously vanish and you get arrested for being half-naked in public.
That’s the last time I'll ever wear Bermuda shorts!


Bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
That last one sounded familiar, and I remembered I had posted it a while back.
I'm glad it made it's way back though, because it's a funny one that I had forgotten all about.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 21, 2018, 07:08:52 PM
Happy wife, happy life!
There is nothing that rhymes with Happy Husband...
So welcome to marriage.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen.
I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 22, 2018, 07:18:32 PM
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's neat. Where did you get that?"

The parrot says, "France—they've got millions of them there."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 22, 2018, 07:44:52 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/OBYjcc0.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 22, 2018, 10:01:10 PM
Happy wife, happy life!
There is nothing that rhymes with Happy Husband...
So welcome to marriage.

Now that one I like! hahaha
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 22, 2018, 10:07:44 PM
^truth^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 23, 2018, 07:51:42 PM
Classic

(https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4028/35457040592_94990c95aa_b.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wildcatter on December 27, 2018, 06:57:48 PM
Inventive AND funny!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 27, 2018, 07:17:59 PM
3 years of going to Mexico and collecting those cans and SWMBO won't let me set it up....  :o ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 28, 2018, 06:12:40 PM
Old Josh sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grandson kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

“If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars.

“But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”

“That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 28, 2018, 06:43:30 PM
LOL!
That reminded me of this....

A man and his wife were working in the garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says " You know, your butt is getting bigger. Heck, I think it's wider than the grill!"
 He proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he measured his wife's butt. "Yep, I was right! Your butt is a full 2 inches wider than the grill!"
 That night, the husband was feeling a little frisky and turned to his wife, but she just brushed him off. "What's wrong?" he asked. She replied, "Do you really think I'm gonna fire up this 'big grill' for one little weiner?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 28, 2018, 06:46:29 PM
Some years ago I went into a secondhand book shop in New York and ask the owner if he had any magic books.
He told me they had all disappeared.


I read a book that said to treat your Wife like you treated her on your first date.
So after dinner I dropped her off at her parents house.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 28, 2018, 07:00:53 PM
I read a book that said to treat your Wife like you treated her on your first date.
So after dinner I dropped her off at her parents house.

There is an Andrew Dice Clay poem that comes to mind, but not fit for here...  ::) ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 30, 2018, 09:19:29 AM
As the end of another year approaches I am pleased that I have come so close to hitting my New Years Resolution from last year.
I had set a target of losing 10 pounds and only have 25 more to go.


My stomach is FLAT (the L is silent).

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on January 01, 2019, 01:37:42 PM
I've never been one to be known for levity 8)  However, I could not stop laughing at this video.  I need to pull this one on someone who doesn't know me very well ;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VYrW4V5Ri0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VYrW4V5Ri0)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on January 01, 2019, 03:07:59 PM
A quick winter joke;

What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?



Snowballs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on January 01, 2019, 03:13:16 PM
Hahahaha! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 01, 2019, 07:04:12 PM
Why are a lot of women archeologists? 

Because they love digging up the past. :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 17, 2019, 09:28:10 PM
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.”

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ironman482 on January 18, 2019, 11:59:46 PM
I came home to find a note from my girlfriend on the refrigerator,  it read: its not working I'm going to stay with my mother, I  opened the door the light came on and my beer was cold,what the heck is she talking about
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on January 19, 2019, 10:22:06 AM
(https://scontent.fhhr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/50459928_2021452881480482_8923870154689871872_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_ht=scontent.fhhr1-1.fna&oh=58deedb9d60b232f38bd905635338bda&oe=5CBE56F4)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 19, 2019, 03:02:14 PM
(https://scontent.fhhr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/50459928_2021452881480482_8923870154689871872_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_ht=scontent.fhhr1-1.fna&oh=58deedb9d60b232f38bd905635338bda&oe=5CBE56F4)

Also works for dog poop removal.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 19, 2019, 09:20:01 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 21, 2019, 07:11:57 AM
Happy Monday, back to the Grind...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on January 21, 2019, 04:25:57 PM
Gotta love these Minion characters

(https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447418466119/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%202.jpg?height=394&width=400)


 (https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447418586131/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%204.jpg)

(https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447418642364/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%203.jpg?height=400&width=400)

(https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447418668959/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%205.jpg?height=382&width=400)

(https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447418708004/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%206.jpg?height=400&width=364)

(https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447418767287/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%208.jpg?height=400&width=355)

(https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447418788570/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%209.jpg?height=400&width=340)

(https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447419011962/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%2014.jpg?height=400&width=384)

(https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447418950210/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%2013.jpg?height=396&width=400)

(https://sites.google.com/site/sundayfamilyhumour9/_/rsrc/1447418887028/sunday-family-humour-15th-november/sunday-family-humour-15th-november-page-2/Minion%2011.jpg?height=400&width=400)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: SwampHunter on January 21, 2019, 05:16:38 PM
Just wanted to let y'all know that all our shipping woes have been solved. FedEx bought out UPS and the two are now merging into one big company which will be know as......FedUP!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Yng@hrt on January 21, 2019, 05:34:47 PM
^^^Now that's an original...luv it!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: LAalex on January 22, 2019, 03:53:46 PM
Ole lady Boudreaux down by New Iberia had a stomach ache so she went see Doctor Thibodeaux.  She says "Doc I got such a bad stomach ache, what can you do for me?"
So he examines her and says" I'm gunna pescribe you some suppositories, dere's 7 in da pack.  Take one every day den come back see me next Monday."  The next Monday she goes in to the office.  Dr. Thibodeaux says," how did dem suppositories work for you?".  Ole lady Boudreaux says," Not worth a darn Doc, I swear dem pills woulda' worked jus as good if I had stucke'em up my butt!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 22, 2019, 05:13:03 PM
Scotty, I tink I know dat lady.  She lives on dat road to Jeanerette, right?  Hee hee
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: LAalex on January 22, 2019, 05:41:36 PM
Yep dat’s da one
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 22, 2019, 06:44:11 PM
HAHAHAHA!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 01, 2019, 06:51:17 AM
(https://scontent.fhhr1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/51670547_2029567674002336_9218324754497273856_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ht=scontent.fhhr1-2.fna&oh=a01c59149d5b077b52edc841e42b192e&oe=5CC13240)

Ya'll have a great day.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on February 01, 2019, 07:06:46 AM
It would be so funny if it wasn't so true....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 01, 2019, 08:05:11 AM
It would be so funny if it wasn't so true....

Mark, the flooding is about the same here. It's been going on for about 3 months now. I am tired of driving in 4wd to get in my yard.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 01, 2019, 10:02:19 AM
I am not overweight
I am a nutritional overachiever.



Lesser-Known Knights of the Round Table


1. The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render

2. The unbelievable knight: Sir Real

3. The knights who were so fat they sat around a table by themselves: Sir
Round and Sir Cumference

4. The undercover knight: Sir Veillance

5. The knight who came to an untimely end: Sir Cease

6. The knight who never got killed in battle: Sir Vivor

7. The knight who always guessed right: Sir Miser

8. The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Past

9. The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prise

10. The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount

11. The knight who funded the castle's operations: Sir Tax

12. The knight who kept the kingdom's maps up to date: Sir Veyor

13. The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis

14. The knight always called on as the first substitute: Sir Rogate

15. The most outstanding of all the knights: Sir Perb

16. The hardest knight of them all: Sir Amic

17. The knight who was most at home in a 3-ring castle: Sir Cus

18. The saddest knight of them all: Sir Rowful

19. The extra knights: Sir Perfluous and Sir Pernumerary

20. The dancing knight: Sir Prance A lot

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on February 01, 2019, 11:00:24 AM
Good ones Gary! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: K_sqrd on February 01, 2019, 11:32:29 AM
New wife
 
One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage.  His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
 
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so
much of your time out here in your garage.”
 
“You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.  And that gun collection
and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it.  I also think you
should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment...”
 
"And what's the use of that vintage hot rod?”

Dick got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

“Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Dick replied, "I wasn't..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on February 01, 2019, 12:01:55 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH  :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 01, 2019, 12:31:16 PM
I’m really depressed.  My fiancée, Maria, broke up with me last night.

Maybe I should not be surprised but I am.  My friends and family all warned me about her.

She wasn’t a bad person.  It was just that we were from two different cultures.  That was what my friends and family were warning me about.

She was originally from Mexico City then moved to Miami for a while.  After a few years, she came up north to be closer to me.  We got engaged about eight months ago.

My Spanish isn’t that good but neither is her English.  That was another factor that added to the list of everyone else’s concerns.  They kept telling me about the language barrier and how insurmountable it was.

I only had to tell them about famous couples like Lucy & Ricky Ricardo or Lisa & Oliver Douglas to make them understand.  Talk about hard-headed!  My friends and loved ones persisted in their opposition to matrimony so much that I was afraid to take Maria with me for family visits.

They were polite to her and very accommodating.  Yet behind their urbanity, feigned love & affection, I could tell there was a seething anger.

My plans were to get married anyway with the thought that they would grow to love her as I had.

Alas, the fire of Maria’s love for me has gone out like ashes in a rainstorm.  My beautiful, raven-haired chica amante has dumped me.

She didn’t leave her apartment last night and the weather was as cold as her love is now.  She called me on the phone to break the news to me.

The memories of that phone call are too dreadful to think about.  She yelled at me the entire time.

I don’t know why she yelled.  I can’t think of anything that I did to anger her. 

I never hesitated to take her hunting, fishing or the ball games.  We had the most wonderful conversations while I reloaded ammunition and cleaned my guns.

We only dined at the very best fast food restaurants in town.  Every now and then I would insist on paying.  I’d even get gas for her car when we’d go on a long drive to the gun shows.

Speaking of automobiles; I taught her how to repack the wheel bearings on her car.  I let her get her hands dirty doing it but even with all that grease, she was so beautiful.  You have no idea how hard it is to teach someone to work on their car in a second language. 

When I couldn't think of the Spanish word for the part, I'd have to point and repeat the English name for it over and over and over.  I don't want to brag but you won't find too many guys with the patience it takes to show a classy lady how to work on her own car.

I also got her the nicest set of custom earrings in the shape of silver bullets.  They were fifty caliber marvels of artistry.

So, what could have made her break up with me?  I can only speculate.  She was talking so fast in Spanish that I couldn’t keep up with her.

I asked her over and over again; “Cariña, por favor no hables tan rápido. No te entiendo cuando hablas rápido.” [Darling, please don't talk so fast.  I can't understand you when you talk fast.]

She never slowed down her speech.  It must have been an hour worth of screaming at me over the phone – in Spanish.

Then it finally dawned on me why she broke off the engagement!  It has to be the colder climes in this part of the country.  She's more accustomed to warmer weather!

I think she wanted to go back to Florida where it is warm, as she kept saying something about a “sunny beach!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 02, 2019, 11:02:40 AM
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on
your pants.
**************************************************************
CHURCH FOOTBALL PLAYS

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to
leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything
but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain)
during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given
to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost
over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's
illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the
preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the
sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for
the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
*************************************************************

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his
stomach.  Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she
commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it does," he said.  "It's the only way I can see the numbers."


---------------------------------------------------------------
My grandfather always said, "When one door closes, another opens."
Lovely man ... terrible cabinet maker.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 02, 2019, 11:07:44 AM
Love 'em Gary!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 03, 2019, 10:06:38 AM
WARNING!!!

Do Not Wash Your Hair In The Shower!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful. It involves the
shampoo when it runs down your body while you shower with it. Shampoo
Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my
whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this claim:

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that
shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its
label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on February 03, 2019, 09:24:41 PM
HAHAHAHA! That's a good one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Robert 5mm on February 03, 2019, 09:33:54 PM
You know why you never see a dead crow in the road ?

Because there is always another crow up there yelling "Karr , Karr"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: chico on February 03, 2019, 09:52:03 PM
Wife:  I have changed my mind . . .

Husband:  Does the new one work ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: chico on February 03, 2019, 09:55:35 PM
two blondes were driving to Disneyland.

the sign said: "Disneyland Left"

so they turned around and headed home . . .
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 04, 2019, 06:44:47 AM
You know why you never see a dead crow in the road ?

Because there is always another crow up there yelling "Karr , Karr"

(http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/incredibly-stupid.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 06, 2019, 10:04:20 AM
We have a company-wide 401K, but I don't think I can run that far.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on February 07, 2019, 05:14:35 PM

This one made me chuckle today.



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 07, 2019, 05:42:24 PM
what's the worst thing about twenty seven year old women?
There is 20 of them!

I hate funerals...
I don't even want to go to my own.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 07, 2019, 07:43:04 PM
I hate funerals...
I don't even want to go to my own.

Really, then why do you have a coffin lined up for that special day. Is there some kind of fad going on I don't know about? :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on February 07, 2019, 08:19:31 PM
I hate funerals...
I don't even want to go to my own.

Really, then why do you have a coffin lined up for that special day. Is there some kind of fad going on I don't know about? :o

you could fill it with ice,and beer, you know, till that special day comes... :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 07, 2019, 08:28:16 PM
Long story short...
I went to school with the local mortician, every since the first grade.
I told Brian what I want... plain, no frills, pine box.
I don't want Hoosier Momma to waste money on all that. After all, he's just going to bury it.
Dress me in one of my Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts,... barefoot.

I have told them both if they put me in a suite for eternity,  I will Haunt them both for it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 07, 2019, 09:12:38 PM
Long story short...
I went to school with the local mortician, every since the first grade.
I told Brian what I want... plain, no frills, pine box.
I don't want Hoosier Momma to waste money on all that. After all, he's just going to bury it.
Dress me in one of my Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts,... barefoot.

I have told them both if they put me in a suite for eternity,  I will Haunt them both for it.

eeeewwwwwwwwwww, that is a scary thought! :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on February 07, 2019, 09:35:21 PM
Long story short...
I went to school with the local mortician, every since the first grade.
I told Brian what I want... plain, no frills, pine box.
I don't want Hoosier Momma to waste money on all that. After all, he's just going to bury it.
Dress me in one of my Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts,... barefoot.

I have told them both if they put me in a suite for eternity,  I will Haunt them both for it.

eeeewwwwwwwwwww, that is a scary thought! :o

Yea.... I almost lost it at the Bermuda shorts and barefoot, too.  :P ;) ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 08, 2019, 06:55:56 AM
Hey, I want to be comfortable, plus I hear one of the possible destinations is rather hot.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on February 08, 2019, 08:11:52 AM
Long story short...
I went to school with the local mortician, every since the first grade.
I told Brian what I want... plain, no frills, pine box.
I don't want Hoosier Momma to waste money on all that. After all, he's just going to bury it.
Dress me in one of my Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts,... barefoot.

I have told them both if they put me in a suite for eternity,  I will Haunt them both for it.

eeeewwwwwwwwwww, that is a scary thought! :o

Yea.... I almost lost it at the Bermuda shorts and barefoot, too.  :P ;) ;D



Personally? I love it!
:D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 08, 2019, 08:58:18 AM
Just think... if he had died in the '80s he would have been buried in his Daisy Dukes and a half shirt.
Now THAT'S scary.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 08, 2019, 09:38:15 AM
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on February 08, 2019, 10:28:00 AM
I like that one, Gary!

Here's one my wife passed along this morning:

It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope--it is still stationery.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 08, 2019, 12:13:52 PM
I got mugged!!!  Someone stole my cup of coffee.   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 08, 2019, 12:39:50 PM
I got mugged!!!  Someone stole my cup of coffee.   ;D

Dark roast and a butt whoopin' to go, please! :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 09, 2019, 09:07:41 AM
Just think... if he had died in the '80s he would have been buried in his Daisy Dukes and a half shirt.
Now THAT'S scary.


And sporting a mullet :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on February 09, 2019, 09:49:24 AM
Just think... if he had died in the '80s he would have been buried in his Daisy Dukes and a half shirt.
Now THAT'S scary.


And sporting a mullet :o

Sandals and socks? :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 09, 2019, 09:54:43 AM
Waist band above his navel.   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 09, 2019, 09:41:05 PM
How do you people know all this?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 10, 2019, 08:06:26 AM
How do you people know all this?

Long range drones.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 10, 2019, 08:15:50 AM
That's a scary thought.
"Momma... where's my pants?"
 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 10, 2019, 08:32:49 AM
Ummm... I just heard that YouTube is broken.... I hope.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 10, 2019, 09:28:47 AM
How do you people know all this?

Long range drones.
Trail cameras!   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bReTt on February 10, 2019, 03:48:44 PM
I got mugged!!!  Someone stole my cup of coffee.   ;D
Wow I’m slow...

I just got this.  🤓
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 10, 2019, 05:48:10 PM
I got mugged!!!  Someone stole my cup of coffee.   ;D
Wow I’m slow...

I just got this.  🤓

Now that's bad.  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: SwampHunter on February 11, 2019, 12:48:16 AM
A man comes home early and walks in on his wife and the neighbor.....
 Man asks "what is going on here?"
His wife looks at the neighbor and says "See, I told you he was stupid!"  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 11, 2019, 03:02:43 PM
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on February 11, 2019, 07:30:23 PM
Hahahaha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 15, 2019, 09:52:01 PM
What can I say!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 15, 2019, 10:29:08 PM
Love it. /\/\/\/\
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: trackerbuddy on February 16, 2019, 10:51:01 AM
 this would be awkward
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 16, 2019, 11:15:07 AM
Don't think I've posted this already...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Yng@hrt on February 16, 2019, 11:25:36 AM
^^^I will sit in the corner & write 10,000 lines; "I will not make fun of Hoosier Daddy".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 16, 2019, 11:32:24 AM
(https://scontent.fhhr1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/52729333_2038366103122493_5206934856059060224_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_ht=scontent.fhhr1-2.fna&oh=749e41ffd7c1875fa200155998ce3431&oe=5CDE8D0D)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on February 18, 2019, 11:44:54 AM
Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on February 18, 2019, 12:53:17 PM
MmmmBoooooo... 😋
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on February 18, 2019, 05:06:15 PM
More like Mooooooooo!  🐄
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 18, 2019, 05:24:52 PM
^^^I will sit in the corner & write 10,000 lines; "I will not make fun of Hoosier Daddy".
Can I have a personal item? Even a lock of hair will do.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Yng@hrt on February 18, 2019, 05:36:43 PM
^^^I will sit in the corner & write 10,000 lines; "I will not make fun of Hoosier Daddy".
Can I have a personal item? Even a lock of hair will do.  ;)
You can do what Gary Cooper did in; The Westerner.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 19, 2019, 01:14:41 PM
(https://scontent.fhhr1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/52287184_1237312519768535_6134538575271690240_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent.fhhr1-1.fna&oh=02903f7be00819a0559d23b5a641a8bf&oe=5D236EC5)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: a1rgunz on February 20, 2019, 02:23:04 PM
From the Beeman/Marksman website:

(https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0012/5599/7518/products/canvas_23b37101-a627-465d-b410-35637a0daf7a_1024x1024.png?v=1545846774)

Gave me a chuckle  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on February 20, 2019, 02:30:18 PM
 ??? ??? ??? ??? That rear sight is ---um---unconventional?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on February 20, 2019, 02:35:38 PM
??? ??? ??? ??? That rear sight is ---um---unconventional?

LOL. Bassackwards!  😜
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 20, 2019, 09:32:44 PM
WHA.... Fire that guy NOW!
 ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bob H. on February 21, 2019, 07:14:12 AM

WHA.... Fire that guy NOW!
 ::)
[/quote]

Can't fire her, she has an MBA and is the Boss's granddaughter.

BobH.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 26, 2019, 02:33:05 PM
Where to retire?


You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where ...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.

6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??



OR You can retire to California where .



1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.



OR You can retire to New York City where..



1 You say, "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .

2. You can get into a 4 hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



OR You can retire to Minnesota where ...



1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes must fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole

4. Sex lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different,”” She is different," or "It was different!"



OR You can retire to The Deep South where...



1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say, "Bless his heart” at the end!



OR You can move to Colorado where...



1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.



OR You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...



1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day

4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"



OR FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...



1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 26, 2019, 02:57:52 PM
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.”

My fellow passengers groaned.

“The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on February 28, 2019, 06:17:17 PM
Kinda late to this party (56 pages in), so hopefully this isn't a repeat...

Seen on a T-Shirt:  "A Vegetarian asked me what I felt when I shoot an animal?  I told him:  Recoil!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 28, 2019, 06:29:06 PM
What's the WORST thing about twenty six year olds?

There is 20 of 'em.

It's like herding cats I tell ya.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 28, 2019, 06:34:55 PM
Stole from Rodney Dangerfield

"My Ex wife got around.... let me tell ya.
I bought a used car and a pair of her panties were in the glovebox"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 28, 2019, 06:46:31 PM
No respect.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on February 28, 2019, 08:10:18 PM
No respect at all.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 01, 2019, 07:26:04 AM
Told the Doc I wasn't feeling well. He told me to walk 5 miles a day and call him in a week. When I called, he asked how I felt. I told him I felt the same, I'm 35 miles from home and not sure how I'll get home.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 01, 2019, 07:33:50 AM
Told the Doc I wasn't feeling well. He told me to walk 5 miles a day and call him in a week. When I called, he asked how I felt. I told him I felt the same, I'm 35 miles from home and not sure how I'll get home.

         (https://i.imgur.com/tLIHVdL.gif)

Title: "Cause you're ugly."
Post by: Gear_Junkie on March 05, 2019, 12:34:09 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee,and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

That was one of the funniest jokes I've heard in years!!!  It also busted my son up when I told him.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 13, 2019, 04:43:51 PM
 So I'm at Walmart buying a bag of dog food for my dog.  While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???  So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.  (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was not enthralled with my story.)  Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!!
Disclaimer:  DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!  (Your wife would probably hit you with the frying pan, and you would wind up in intensive care with tubes . . . .)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on March 13, 2019, 05:16:14 PM
So I'm at Walmart buying a bag of dog food for my dog.  While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???  So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.  (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was not enthralled with my story.)  Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!!
Disclaimer:  DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!  (Your wife would probably hit you with the frying pan, and you would wind up in intensive care with tubes . . . .)
That would have made a great YouTube video.  Can you do that again with a straight face?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 13, 2019, 05:21:36 PM
"Here's your sign"

 ;D ;) ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 16, 2019, 12:53:05 AM
It began as an innocent game with my step-grandson, Seth.
I’d get in the fighter’s stance and start shadowboxing.
Jabbing with both fists, I’d say, "One-two, one-two," and he would imitate me over and over.

I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took him to a birthday party.
When the boy’s mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to Seth and asked, "Would you like one too?"

It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 16, 2019, 11:52:09 AM
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a bad summer.

Autocorrect is my worst enema.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on March 19, 2019, 08:41:06 PM
Autocorrect is my worst enema.

I like how you slipped that one in there...  ;)

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on March 20, 2019, 01:31:22 PM
just won't paste
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 20, 2019, 06:03:32 PM
Whaa?
There was a kid in school who ate paste.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 21, 2019, 10:17:38 AM
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the
instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of
this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers. She then
detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not
only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid $1.25 for
this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

 From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you $2.50 for
it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 01, 2019, 10:05:56 AM
A truck loaded with with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned at a major intersection, there was no congestion for over 8 hours.

Saw a guy yesterday with March Madness teeth, he was down to the final four.

Gary

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 01, 2019, 10:21:13 AM
Saw a guy yesterday with March Madness teeth, he was down to the final four.
That sound a little like my grandson.   ;D ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 01, 2019, 10:50:23 AM
Dear Autocorrect, I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 01, 2019, 10:42:17 PM
A truck loaded with with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned at a major intersection, there was no congestion for over 8 hours.

I read that once the wreckage was cleared away, that everyone could breathe a little easier.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joekrooz on April 02, 2019, 08:46:17 AM
🤷🏻‍♂️
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 08, 2019, 08:48:40 AM
Love that sign.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on April 24, 2019, 04:20:06 PM
The avid storekeeper is one of the two owners of a small store.  His little son comes by - father, what is a 'dilemma'?

Well, let's say I sold a 10 bucks umbrella and the customer paid cash with a brand new $10 bill, but didn't notice there were two together.
The dilemma is about a decision, if I tell.. my partner.

.....................................

DEDE is a nails maker, but is having some difficulty to sell them.  He asks a friend, a newspaper owner, for helping with an advertisement.  Sure, buy the newspaper tomorrow and you will see it. 
A drawing with a cross and Jesus crucified; “If are used DEDE’s nails, HE will never fall.”
DEDE calls his friend – sorry, but it was bad, please change it.
Next day .. a cross and Jesus laying on the ground .. “If DEDE’s nails had been used, HE would never have fallen.”

……………………………………………

PS - the last one I saw yesterday in a French movie that I liked – ‘La prière’ /2018 (The prayer).
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 25, 2019, 09:28:15 AM
Do you know the name of the 'Waltons' cat?







Tomboy.


I sent my newly licensed 16 year-old son to pick up a pizza. I handed him a
$20 bill, a $5.00 coupon and sent him on his way.

About forty minutes later, the boy returned home with the pizza ...
and the coupon!

I asked the obvious question, "Why didn't you use the coupon?"

"Dad, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon!"



There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

 Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 25, 2019, 10:48:25 PM
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?








Name of the Waltons cat?







Tomboy!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on May 03, 2019, 05:11:57 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/58745232_2080742898884813_1619767278402797568_n.png?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=0053f76facb2a62bab8ebb937c30a0f6&oe=5D6864B8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on May 03, 2019, 06:01:24 PM
I know where mine went this month --- to the dentist!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 03, 2019, 06:20:47 PM
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... Only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..

'Look Paddy ... there's that stupid idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 10, 2019, 10:06:58 AM
If a cow does not produce milk is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on May 10, 2019, 02:03:00 PM
(https://scontent.fhhr1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/59999419_2085807475045022_3989438866049204224_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_ht=scontent.fhhr1-2.fna&oh=3c33ebe76bce0ec91cf7f38f77f3a058&oe=5D6A0B5D)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 20, 2019, 09:42:18 AM
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's
IQ.

Here's how it works: If you spend $139.95 to see this video, it proves your
dog is the smarter one.

-------------------------

My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things; but I laugh more.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 20, 2019, 05:08:48 PM
Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the donation box at church. This went on for weeks until the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“Mrs. Bradley, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

“Oh, $2,000 a week.”

“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”

“I believe he is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”

“Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas…”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 01, 2019, 02:11:51 PM
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 01, 2019, 05:44:00 PM
I have said #1 for many years... Love it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on June 01, 2019, 05:52:14 PM
Do they fry Popeye's chicken in Olive Oyl?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 01, 2019, 08:34:07 PM
You drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.  Hummm!
Cheese Burgers have cheese on them. Turkey Burgers have turkey on them.  Where is the pork on a HAM Burger?   ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 02, 2019, 03:14:08 AM
Do they fry Popeye's chicken in Olive Oyl?
     

              (https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d2/4a/5e/d24a5e131aae99826a87cb3daf6eb7de.jpg)


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 02, 2019, 07:44:53 AM
Yeah, smart mouth, laugh at the horse!
I had a HAMBURGER, last Wednesday.  (And the meat wasn't pork.)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 02, 2019, 10:19:03 AM
One airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline has a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: tripod on June 03, 2019, 01:55:21 AM
 How do you make a Republican mad  ? ..................... Lie to them !
 How do you make a Democrat  mad ?  ...................... Tell them the truth !
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on June 03, 2019, 01:23:24 PM
How do you make a Republican mad  ? ..................... Lie to them !
 How do you make a Democrat  mad ?  ...................... Tell them the truth !

Regardless of party affiliation, now that we know the truth, we should all be mad.

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 03, 2019, 01:31:06 PM
How do you make a Republican mad  ? ..................... Lie to them !
 How do you make a Democrat  mad ?  ...................... Tell them the truth !

Regardless of party affiliation, now that we know the truth, we should all be mad.

-W
Difficult task considering I refuse to speak to either....  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on June 03, 2019, 03:28:02 PM
How do you make a Republican mad  ? ..................... Lie to them !
 How do you make a Democrat  mad ?  ...................... Tell them the truth !

Regardless of party affiliation, now that we know the truth, we should all be mad.

-W
Difficult task considering I refuse to speak to either....  ;)

You are a wise man.

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on June 03, 2019, 03:29:02 PM
We are taught to Pray for our leaders regardless of whether we like or dislike the current ones.  This would include the President and the leaders of the house and senate to name a few.  All this hate and not working and supporting our leaders gets us absolutely nowhere.  We have all seen this in current times and in the past.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 03, 2019, 03:30:35 PM
LOL..... I don't hate anyone... I just don't have anything to say to some.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 03, 2019, 03:32:16 PM
LOL..... I don't hate anyone... I just don't have anything to say to some.
I have a lot to say.  But they ain't listening!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on June 03, 2019, 03:45:45 PM
I dug up a worm for fishing.

It's the end of the line for him.

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 23, 2019, 09:35:27 AM

This may be a true story - IDK


A Louisiana politician was running for the office of "Governor" back when "Cash" and "Checks" were the only forms of money.
He stopped in a small town to Press the Flesh, and encountered a small dock-side gathering of wailing and sobbing folks.  There was an open coffin on the deck of the shrimp boat - obviously ready for the last boat ride down the bayou.
The politician asked a man on the edge of the gathering why there was so much crying and grief?  The man stated that it was always the wish of the deceased to be buried with $500 in his pocket.  But that had not been possible for the deceased.
The politician stepped up to the wife of the deceased and told her he was going to grant the wish of her man.  He then placed a $500 check in your man's pocket.
The politician  almost won the Governorship.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 23, 2019, 10:00:03 AM
For you "Pinterest" types...


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on June 26, 2019, 12:41:07 PM
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on June 27, 2019, 09:52:26 PM
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

Hah!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on June 30, 2019, 08:40:37 AM
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer


than the men who mention it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 30, 2019, 08:48:55 AM
HAHA!... took me a minute.... but very true
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on July 07, 2019, 03:07:24 PM
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on July 07, 2019, 09:19:51 PM
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

For something to be funny, there has to be an element of truth to it.  You nailed it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on July 09, 2019, 09:08:43 PM
Savage.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 10, 2019, 10:43:25 AM
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small
children.


A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that
demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 16, 2019, 06:10:07 AM
   

    A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said....
    "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
    "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."
    "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
    The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
    The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
    "What about that eye patch?"
    "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
    "You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird poop?"
    "It was my first day with the hook."
     

A chicken coup only has two doors.
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

A cow-herder counted 48 cows on his property.
But when he rounded them up, he had 50.

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December,
but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.
So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

I was on a flight the other day
when the air hostess came up to me and said,
"Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"
I said, "What are the options?"
She said, "Yes and No."

My favorite color is purple.
I like it more than blue and red combined.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 16, 2019, 03:07:15 PM
Some great ones in there and your avatar still makes me smile.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 16, 2019, 05:45:52 PM
Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."

The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."

"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.

"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 16, 2019, 05:47:03 PM
A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?

?
?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

A BRICK!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 16, 2019, 05:49:22 PM
Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."

The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."

"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.

"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!
And that's when OSHA began?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 16, 2019, 05:52:51 PM
OK.. I think I may have done this already but it is my Grand-daughters favorite...

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms!

Oh, sorry... too harsh?
How about this?

Knock, Knock..
Who's there?
Sure ain't friggin Sally!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 16, 2019, 05:55:14 PM
And that's when OSHA began?


(https://i.imgflip.com/32t0pd.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 18, 2019, 11:43:18 AM
We pulled into a BBQ joint for dinner and noticed, what appeared to be, a homeless guy standing on the corner hold a sign that read.. "Need money for food".
I told Betty Lou to go inside and get a table, I wanted to talk to the homeless guy. Knowing me, she rolled her eyes and walked inside.
I approached the guy and asked... "If I give you $20 you would just go buy alcohol, right"
He answered.. "No sir, I haven't had a drink in 5 years"
He noticed my Harley shirt and asked if I rode. We chatted about Harleys awhile and I asked..
"Ok, so, if I give you $20 you would go buy Harley parts, right?"
Again, "no sir, had to sell my Harley 5 years ago"
Then I suggested... "Why don't we just take you home, let you clean up and Betty Lou can fix you a nice hot meal"?
He replied.. "She won't mind"?
"Nope" I said.. " Besides, I want her to see what would happen if I stopped drinking beer and riding Harleys".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on July 18, 2019, 12:23:43 PM
A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?

?
?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

A BRICK!!!!

I read that first one to my wife...hadn't scrolled down yet..we were puzzled......wow did you catch us! HAHAHA
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 18, 2019, 12:53:25 PM
I figured something was up but I didn't want to call you out, you know, in case you passed out mid joke?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 18, 2019, 01:12:24 PM
 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on July 18, 2019, 01:15:31 PM
I figured something was up but I didn't want to call you out, you know, in case you passed out mid joke?

Yeah, and I just read yours to my wife... we each got a good laugh!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on July 18, 2019, 01:54:14 PM
Life...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 18, 2019, 01:58:36 PM
...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 18, 2019, 02:44:02 PM
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, has owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and lime trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.”

Holding the bucket up Ron said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mike West on July 18, 2019, 02:54:28 PM
Hope this flys here I’ll clean it up a little bit.
 A man walks into a bar the bartender is a gorgeous looking woman,
 On the wall behind the bar is a sign that says Ham sandwiches $5 Handjobs $10.
The man ask the bartender “excuse me ma’am are you the one that gives the hand jobs?”
She replies “well yes sir I am

Well wash your hands then I want a sandwich
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 20, 2019, 11:00:42 AM
It has been a strange day.
First, I found a hat full of money.
Then, I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 20, 2019, 11:11:08 AM
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, “Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?” The blonde said it was hers.

“Your dog seems to be in heat” the officer said. The blonde replied, “No way. She’s cool in the shade of that tree.”

The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.”

“No way,” said the blonde. “My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this morning.”

The exasperated policeman said, “NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to mate!”

The blonde looked at the cop and said, “Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on July 21, 2019, 10:21:41 AM
It has been a strange day.
First, I found a hat full of money.
Then, I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

Awesomely funny.

Stealing this...

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 21, 2019, 10:45:31 AM
Teacher: "Why are you praying in class little Johnny?”
-
Little Johnny: “My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep."
-
Teacher tells little Johnny off, “You know very well you can’t sleep in my class, Johnny.”
-
Johnny admits, “Yes, I know miss. But maybe, if you didn’t speak quite so loud, I could.”



*EDIT* You have no idea how hard it is to find clean "Little Johnny" jokes.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on July 21, 2019, 12:00:35 PM
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."
Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on July 21, 2019, 12:02:05 PM
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime
Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says,
"Johnny, those boys are making fun of you.
Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on July 21, 2019, 12:05:35 PM
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
 He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on July 21, 2019, 12:06:24 PM
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on July 21, 2019, 12:08:12 PM
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,
Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
 Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 28, 2019, 03:46:38 PM
Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven. "Welcome," St. Peter said. "You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, they all start quacking and it makes a terrible racket."

That sounded simple enough until they passed through the Pearly Gates and found thousands of ducks everywhere. Jake stepped on one right away. The ducks quacked, making an unholy racket, and St. Peter came up to Jake bringing with him a ferocious-looking Amazon woman.

"I warned you if you broke the rule you’d be punished," St. Peter said. Then he chained the Amazon woman to Jake for eternity.

Several hours later, Johnny stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, they all quacked, and St. Peter stepped up to Johnny with an angry-looking, shrewish woman. "As your punishment," St. Peter told Johnny, "you’ll be chained to this woman for eternity."

Billy was extremely careful not to step on a duck. Several months went by. Then St. Peter came up to him with a gorgeous blonde and chained her to Billy, uniting them for all time. "Wow!" exclaimed Billy. "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

"I don’t know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a duck."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 30, 2019, 11:04:58 AM
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he is Dav.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 31, 2019, 12:36:08 AM
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he is Dav.
Love that one for obvious reasons, but because we share the same first name my dad would as well.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 31, 2019, 01:15:20 PM
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we’re having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.

Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.

Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."


----------------------------------------------------


Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Our computer’s down," said St. Peter. "You’ll have to go back for a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?"

The first priest said, "I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," said St. Peter, and off flew the first priest.

The second priest thought for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week count?"

"No," said St. Peter.

"Well," the priest said, "I’ve always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," said St. Peter. A week later, the computer was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asked.

"The first one should be easy," said St. Peter. "He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He’s on a snow tire somewhere in northern Ontario," said St. Peter.


----------------------------------------


Last week I had a yard sale. A local minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run.

“It’ll run,” I told him. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.”

The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”

“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 02, 2019, 03:35:40 PM
A fellow asked  me what a hoedown was.
I told him it was sort of like a shindig but more like a hootenanny.
I could tell he was still confused because his face went all cattywampus.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on August 02, 2019, 04:21:44 PM
A fellow asked  me what a hoedown was.
I told him it was sort of like a shindig but more like a hootenanny.
I could tell he was still confused because his face went all cattywampus.

Gary



Lol, I understood every word and like this one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 02, 2019, 04:31:29 PM
A fellow asked  me what a hoedown was.
I told him it was sort of like a shindig but more like a hootenanny.
I could tell he was still confused because his face went all cattywampus.

Gary

Gary,
How do you know hoedown, hootenanny and cattywampus?
You are from Illinois and them are southern words.
I know them because I am from the eastern Kentucky foothills(Frenchburg and Means and Camargo, KY).
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 02, 2019, 05:06:57 PM
HOOTENANNY - Now there is a term that goes back to the early 1960s. 
I understand what you are saying and MORE!
Louisiana was home.  Now Tennessee is the place I hang my hat.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 02, 2019, 05:50:14 PM
HA HA good one... I am from northern Indiana and I use those on a regular basis!

You should see them when I use  the term "twitipated".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 02, 2019, 06:12:01 PM
Come to the back woods of lower Alabama and you will be required to learn a whole new language. After 6 or 7 years a living here, my family from back up north just kinda cock their heads when I talk to them.
That said, I could sit and listen to Cajuns from the bayou talk all day long..... I wouldn't know a word they said but, I could listen.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 02, 2019, 08:48:56 PM
https://youtu.be/5Jzvh2IeLmo
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 02, 2019, 10:00:54 PM
thanks scott, that made me laugh!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on August 02, 2019, 10:03:32 PM
I'm worried.  I started to understand everything he said towards the end. :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 02, 2019, 10:11:45 PM
 ;)
I work with a Guy I call "Boom Howard"...and I am one of the few who can decipher what he is saying.
 Dag gone whipper snappers on the innernet, all they do is Click-click-clickety-click,  dontchya know
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 02, 2019, 10:19:09 PM
Oh, great, Scott.  Now, I have a headache!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 02, 2019, 10:22:27 PM
LOL!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 02, 2019, 11:13:35 PM
One of the big companies we do work for all over the U.S.A. has added a stipulation to all contracts.
If ALL your workers can not speak English?
Your out of the bidding.
Show up with non-English speakers? Your company is off the job.
Now We all put money upfront as a kind of retainer so if kicked off a job? We lost that money! Complete the job? We get it back.
Last retainer I personally saw for our company was $10,000
I have heard of retainers as high as $75,000 for jobs We did.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 02, 2019, 11:32:30 PM
Bare in mind, this IS the World Wide Web....
.
.
.
Even Southeners have a place.
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 02, 2019, 11:35:07 PM
Bare in mind, this IS the World Wide Web....
.
.
.
Even Southeners have a place.
 ;D
Yep. Down South!
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 02, 2019, 11:44:13 PM
jeff i wish ALL companies did this!  i've had too many home improvements go wrong because the contractor i hired left non-english speaking workers to complete the job and they messed it up.


i now write into all contracts that ALL workers on MY projects must speak and understand english or they are not to be left alone on the job.  a couple of years ago i hired a tree service to remove an english walnut that came down in a storm.  i marked the trunk of the tree with a clause in the contract that it be placed, whole, on my driveway so i could bring it to a lumber mill for my shop.


the foreman left 4 non-english speaking workers and they cut up all the wood and hauled it away. i refused to pay him.  he threatened me with court and i showed him the contract that stated NO NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING WORKERS ARE TO BE LEFT UNATTENDED and the clause about the wood.  i also had took measurements of the tree trunk and pictures.  the lumber mill offered me $3,000 for it.  so i threatened him with a $3,000 lawsuit and he left my premises never to return.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 02, 2019, 11:53:18 PM
Carl,
It is becoming more common in our line of work. We do demolition and flooring installation on some HUGE projects.
The other trades you'll have people that can not understand nor speak English.
That has caused millions of dollars of problems for just one Company in the past year!
Thus the clause now in all contracts with them. And that clause has raised our Company to the top of all bids with preference!
That means We can up our prices as all employees speak English.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 03, 2019, 10:35:53 AM

Gary,
How do you know hoedown, hootenanny and cattywampus?
You are from Illinois and them are southern words.
I know them because I am from the eastern Kentucky foothills(Frenchburg and Means and Camargo, KY).
[/quote]

I know lots of people from down south. I just barely remember Hootenanny being on TV.
I am in central IL, not Chicago.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 03, 2019, 10:40:39 AM
jeff i wish ALL companies did this!  i've had too many home improvements go wrong because the contractor i hired left non-english speaking workers to complete the job and they messed it up.


i now write into all contracts that ALL workers on MY projects must speak and understand english or they are not to be left alone on the job.  a couple of years ago i hired a tree service to remove an english walnut that came down in a storm.  i marked the trunk of the tree with a clause in the contract that it be placed, whole, on my driveway so i could bring it to a lumber mill for my shop.


I would have to add, just because they speak english does NOT mean you won't have problems like this.
My wife calls it not having the A team.

the foreman left 4 non-english speaking workers and they cut up all the wood and hauled it away. i refused to pay him.  he threatened me with court and i showed him the contract that stated NO NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING WORKERS ARE TO BE LEFT UNATTENDED and the clause about the wood.  i also had took measurements of the tree trunk and pictures.  the lumber mill offered me $3,000 for it.  so i threatened him with a $3,000 lawsuit and he left my premises never to return.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 04, 2019, 08:35:48 PM
Probably been posted before but
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"


A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Jonny at it again!

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on August 04, 2019, 10:52:48 PM
From my grandpaw, he fought in 2 wars and 92 this year. Came from Poland to the US and fought wars for us.

"the best joke of my life is watching this generation we fought for sit around all day wrapped around all these ookie gaki electric doo hickys. Even these new cars are a joke, itl break down the moment you leave the sellers property."





2 cows walk into a bar and keep "mooing", 4am the first patron comes in baffled. He looks around for his seat snd pushes the cows around. "Yall can keep tellin eachother to move but your in my seat. Im VIP, YOO need to MOOve."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 05, 2019, 04:15:17 AM
A man went to the ER with a tiny lizard stuck in his ear............and was successfully treated for a reptile dysfunction.....


Earl and Cletus are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Cletus says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife........ she ain't spoke to me in over 3 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over Cletus....... women like that are hard to find."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on August 05, 2019, 05:04:53 AM
I was told this joke by a group of 8-9 year olds a few years ago.

What do you feed a gay bull?

HAaaay.

The inflection means everything.   When those kids said it, I almost got a hernia from laughing.

No offense intended to anyone.


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 05, 2019, 06:31:17 PM
A fellow asked  me what a hoedown was.
I told him it was sort of like a shindig but more like a hootenanny.
I could tell he was still confused because his face went all cattywampus.

Gary

Gary,
How do you know hoedown, hootenanny and cattywampus?
You are from Illinois and them are southern words.
I know them because I am from the eastern Kentucky foothills(Frenchburg and Means and Camargo, KY).
I know 'em and I'm a 24 year old from northern California  ;D
Old TV I guess, lots of Andy Griffith and various westerns.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on August 05, 2019, 06:36:14 PM
This is a pg forum but i got a joke... about relationships.


Asking permission to post, and its allowed, hurry with a reply so i can edit and remove it if its not recomended to have posted..

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 05, 2019, 06:41:52 PM
I was told this joke by a group of 8-9 year olds a few years ago.

What do you feed a gay bull?

HAaaay.

The inflection means everything.   When those kids said it, I almost got a hernia from laughing.

No offense intended to anyone.
I remember this one , the funny thing is that my gay brother is the one who told it to me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 05, 2019, 07:05:21 PM
This is a true story.
I was riding a cable car in San Francisco.
The little girl sitting beside me asked, "Are you a Hillbilly?"
I said, "Yes I am.  How do you know about Hillbillies?"
She said, "We watch them on TV."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on August 05, 2019, 07:25:29 PM
People round here call em hilly billies.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 05, 2019, 09:41:40 PM
A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”

She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”

Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”


--------------------


David and I met at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.

After a while, I peered closely at David and said, "David, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”

“What?”

“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, David!” I said a bit louder.

“Oh,” checks David, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”

And that's how my Avatar gets changed!  ;D

---------------------------------

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough.

At least, that’s what it says in her diary.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 12, 2019, 12:50:44 PM
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (“Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”)

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what has happened. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on August 13, 2019, 10:57:33 PM
So im going to guess it might be ok to post this joke....



Wife walkes in her house after getting groceries, she hears something vibrating leading her to the living room, finds her daughter who replies "i dont have kids or a husband or anything to make me happy".

Next day, husband comes home from work to hear vibrating leading him to the living room, same situation with the daughter "i dont have kids or a husband or anything to make me happy".

Faw days later the wife walks in from work, again hearing the vibrating, she walks into the living room to see her husband on the couch watching the game with the "phone" vibrating next to him, his reply "im watching the game with my new son inlaw"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 16, 2019, 11:24:19 PM
For all of you old guys who remember Allan Sherman's Camp Granada someone sent me this today-




Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making
us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We
are OK.  Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily,
none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for
Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for
the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone
without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The
wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our
clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to
break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's
a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes
he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman
stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact,
he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the
mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are
logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in
the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across
the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water
from the flood.  Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He
didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to
cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit
badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets.  Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Billy

PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Unk on August 17, 2019, 04:16:53 AM
For all of you old guys who remember Allan Sherman's Camp Granada someone sent me this today-




Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making
us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We
are OK.  Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily,
none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for
Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for
the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone
without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The
wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our
clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to
break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's
a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes
he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman
stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact,
he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the
mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are
logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in
the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across
the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water
from the flood.  Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He
didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to
cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit
badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets.  Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Billy

PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

   Now THIS brings back fond memories!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 20, 2019, 11:30:14 AM
Things that tell the truth-
Small children
Drunk people
Yoga pants
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 20, 2019, 08:30:10 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/68656689_2153903618235407_8142428136814936064_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_oc=AQk2V7fGD0-FwdMDAOTjYlsnxAT9RB0aGqVaEcObdSmzjIzS_7l16XqGHVksA-yEDYCLW2163Rgopor-Vz637NGf&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=0fae85769cb264918669fac68e01f8cd&oe=5DDBA7A7)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: VaporTrail on August 21, 2019, 03:44:51 AM
What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car accident?



- a Tyrannosaurus.....Wrecks.  ;D ;D

Thank you, thank you...I'm here till Friday!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on August 21, 2019, 11:07:27 AM
What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car accident?



- a Tyrannosaurus.....Wrecks.  ;D ;D

Thank you, thank you...I'm here till Friday!

LOL!  It will take that long for the tomatoes to make it to Guam!  :P :P :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on August 22, 2019, 09:02:05 PM
What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car accident?



- a Tyrannosaurus.....Wrecks.  ;D ;D

Thank you, thank you...I'm here till Friday!

This is simply awesome! Memorizing for future use as a "Dad Joke."

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 23, 2019, 12:24:03 PM
I went into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with
extra hot fudge.

The clerk behind the counter replied, "Sorry. The hot fudge only comes in
one temperature."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 23, 2019, 03:53:56 PM
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on August 23, 2019, 10:55:42 PM
Maybe someone can the explain this joke to me....

I've had enough "elderly" people "crack this joke" at me in my lifetime.... when i say "i dont know" the bust out laughing....




"Why DID the cat come back?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on August 24, 2019, 12:54:04 AM
Maybe someone can the explain this joke to me....

I've had enough "elderly" people "crack this joke" at me in my lifetime.... when i say "i dont know" the bust out laughing....




"Why DID the cat come back?"

I have no idea, but maybe it has something to do with this?:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Cat_Came_Back

Then again... as I said, I have no idea...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 24, 2019, 07:49:26 AM
First time I heard of it.... I don't get it either.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on August 24, 2019, 08:53:09 AM
"Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back"!

 Had heard it, but don't know if that's your answer...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 24, 2019, 08:57:43 AM
Hmmmm.... never heard the second half of that.. Have I really been that sheltered?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on August 24, 2019, 09:11:23 AM
Hmmmm.... never heard the second half of that.. Have I really been that sheltered?
No, I don't think either of us have been sheltered that much.

I have never heard the second part either.   I would like to know the entire context.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 24, 2019, 10:28:00 AM
Sorry if it's already been told....

A young man moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back home."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and tackle box. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on August 25, 2019, 08:39:22 AM
The high school coaches in St. Landry Parish Louisiana went to a
coaches retreat.

To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to
room with coach Boudreaux because he snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of dem stay wit him the whole time so they vote to take turns.

Coach Fontenot sleeps wit him and he come to breakfast next morning hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happen to you?"

He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all night."

Next night coach Guidrys turn. In the morning, same thing - hair
all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He say, "Man, no, that Boudreaux shake the roof. I watched him all night."

Third night, coach Doucet turn. Next morning he come to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning you all."

They can't believe! They say, "Man, what happened?"
He say, "Well, we get ready for bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux into
bed and kiss him good night. He watch me all night long."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 25, 2019, 09:36:15 AM
Okay, Mike; I unnerstan ever word you rote.
Wher you from, boy?
Me, I from Church Point.  And Guidry may be one of ma cousins!


Thanks for a little touch of home.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on August 25, 2019, 01:59:28 PM
Okay, Mike;  You made me chuckle with that one about the coaches.  You too Mike with your follow up.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 25, 2019, 02:48:48 PM
I read it to Betty Lou in my best Cajun accent.... I was amazed at how long she could stare at me without blinking or expression.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 25, 2019, 02:53:33 PM
... I was amazed at how long she could stare at me without blinking or expression.

LOL... No seriously... I Laughed Out Loud.
Because that strikes too close to home.

FYI: Hoosier Momma and Betty Lou should never meet.
OR... maybe they should! Might help explain things.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 25, 2019, 09:32:56 PM
I must be missing something.
When I told the joke to my Judy, I used my normal speech patterns.   ::)
Musta done good.  Cuz she unnerstud ever wurd.   ;)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 25, 2019, 09:37:00 PM
... I was amazed at how long she could stare at me without blinking or expression.

LOL... No seriously... I Laughed Out Loud.
Because that strikes too close to home.

FYI: Hoosier Momma and Betty Lou should never meet.
OR... maybe they should! Might help explain things.

Or the universe is fixin' to go south. Ya'll are to funny.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: VaporTrail on August 26, 2019, 12:01:30 AM
What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car accident?



- a Tyrannosaurus.....Wrecks.  ;D ;D

Thank you, thank you...I'm here till Friday!

LOL!  It will take that long for the tomatoes to make it to Guam!  :P :P :P

Lol! A heckler, I see.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: VaporTrail on August 26, 2019, 12:04:03 AM
What do you call a dinosaur that got into a car accident?



- a Tyrannosaurus.....Wrecks.  ;D ;D

Thank you, thank you...I'm here till Friday!

This is simply awesome! Memorizing for future use as a "Dad Joke."

-Whirly

I told that one to my friend's youngest daughter, she was about 4 at the time. She gave me a rather "are you for real" look, and told me "but dinosaurs didn't drive cars. That's not a funny joke."

Cheeky little rascal.  :(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on August 26, 2019, 04:53:42 PM
Petro Pup

Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked.

"No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother.

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you."

Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it.

"Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

"Where is Fifi?" her father asked.

"She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 30, 2019, 04:14:53 PM

Gary,
How do you know hoedown, hootenanny and cattywampus?
You are from Illinois and them are southern words.
I know them because I am from the eastern Kentucky foothills(Frenchburg and Means and Camargo, KY).

I know lots of people from down south. I just barely remember Hootenanny being on TV.
I am in central IL, not Chicago.



Hee Haw, ma and pa kettle, beverly hill billies, ain't Hollywood grand?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on August 30, 2019, 08:49:23 PM
FREE SEX!

There was this gas station in back country trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from one to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed eight and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 31, 2019, 12:44:41 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69850334_2155993847856692_6431714990343847936_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQkxatZpPigHneiUvtJBWEHCHY3y_na70czk2Abk-XbBguEwQ4vtTqFETDJK0bPqBibp0DR5Y4j0hCzRf4ds9OMH&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=4d68bf21fb38ec8d196b027d0a53961d&oe=5DD22B97)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: happymecanic on August 31, 2019, 09:29:01 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69850334_2155993847856692_6431714990343847936_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQkxatZpPigHneiUvtJBWEHCHY3y_na70czk2Abk-XbBguEwQ4vtTqFETDJK0bPqBibp0DR5Y4j0hCzRf4ds9OMH&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=4d68bf21fb38ec8d196b027d0a53961d&oe=5DD22B97)

Good one, and good luck to y'all Floridians.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 31, 2019, 11:20:18 AM
 Dilbert is not a comic strip; it's a documentary.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 01, 2019, 12:35:33 AM
VACATION TIME AGAIN

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 02, 2019, 10:51:52 PM
Rhythm & Pace

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, "replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that darn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 02, 2019, 11:34:57 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH- good ones, Mike! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 02, 2019, 11:53:08 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH- good ones, Mike! :D
Thank you.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 04, 2019, 06:26:57 AM
Golf

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.

A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Friday, but on Wednesday, I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on September 05, 2019, 10:42:20 PM
The last 12 seconds of a man's life on video...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDwg62wBAXc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDwg62wBAXc)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 06, 2019, 01:36:02 AM
The last 12 seconds of a man's life on video...


Haha!!! Nice!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 06, 2019, 07:16:46 PM
At The Ole Ballgame

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog ...leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 06, 2019, 09:29:17 PM
Ha Ha Ha!
That reminds me of this....

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
 He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
 He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye!
 Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 07, 2019, 04:26:39 AM

 Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
   (https://gtaforums.com/uploads/profile/photo-thumb-910946.jpg)

   
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 07, 2019, 08:53:58 PM
Helping Hand

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle...especially in public. From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News
comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 07, 2019, 09:24:25 PM
OK.. I literally LOL'ed at that.  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 08, 2019, 11:38:36 AM
Hey, it hurt A LOT when I hit my head.  And I still have a scar too.   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on September 08, 2019, 11:58:38 AM
Hey, it hurt A LOT when I hit my head.  And I still have a scar too.   ;D ;D

So you were the husband?  LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 08, 2019, 03:22:52 PM
(http://giphygifs.s3.amazonaws.com/media/H315tBsDtcGCk/200.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 08, 2019, 09:27:20 PM
Helping Hand

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle...especially in public. From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News
comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,
only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
That is funny but, did they get the car fixed?   :o
Loose nut behind the wheel perhaps?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on September 08, 2019, 10:12:31 PM
That story gives a whole new meaning to Crestview.  It use to be because it was the highest point in Florida.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 08, 2019, 10:15:42 PM
That story gives a whole new meaning to Crestview.  It use to be because it was the highest point in Florida.
Been there a few times.... never to Walmart, mind you.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 09, 2019, 07:52:31 AM
That story gives a whole new meaning to Crestview.  It use to be because it was the highest point in Florida.
235 feet above sea level.  ---> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crestview%2C_Florida (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crestview%2C_Florida)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 10, 2019, 04:43:12 AM
A WISE MAN ONCE SAID:


1. IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL, JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

2. RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

3. I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD. I'M 25 — PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

4. WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL. WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

5. BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

6. VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!

7. I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY"? — "THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

8. IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

9. IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.

10. MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

11. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID — AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

12. CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

13. I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

14. A WISE MAN ONCE SAID … NOTHING.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 10, 2019, 01:47:32 PM
Good one.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on September 10, 2019, 02:01:28 PM
Johnny is sitting on a bench cramming down Snicker bars one after the other.
Ron is sitting near him watching him. After 7 or 8 Snikers, Ron speaks up.
"Son, You know those things will kill you with diabetes, gum disease, and all sorts of bad stuff as you get older!"
Johnny responds....
"My Grand Dad ate more Snickers then me and lived to be 105 years old!"
"Wonder why that was?" Replied Ron.
Johnny replied.....
"He minded his own freaking business!"
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 10, 2019, 06:17:41 PM
Jerry: I used 2, 6, 8, and 13 in conversation today. ;p)

Jeff... I LOL'ed on that because that is EXACTLY the way I think!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 10, 2019, 10:52:17 PM
What are the odds

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over
ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a
ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he
begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman
wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how
long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights
it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks
him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis
absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down
the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has
it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet
Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 12, 2019, 07:04:35 PM
(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69938197_2169985453293890_645455549327998976_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQk6TpqQWLNcqgfuhLMAPep8uPXQW47GJH-93gTqTCPliTYCy3iNycSlzeCU6tXU5ZjKQ6yhMofVUt1UP3-3QVg5&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=8a5f88ee71e9cba1974252a52d44056f&oe=5DFF5F26)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 12, 2019, 07:19:24 PM
Something that was popular when I was young, "ELEPHANT jokes"....but the grand Daughter has never "herd"...  ;)

Q. Why couldn’t the two elephants go swimming together?
A. Because they only had one pair of trunks!

Q: What was the elephant doing on the freeway?
A: About 5 mph

Q. What do you get when an elephant sky dives?
A. A big hole.

Q. What’s big and grey with horns?
A. An elephant marching band!

Q: Why do elephants need trunks?
A: Because they don’t have glove compartments.

Q: Why don’t more elephants go to college?
A: Not too many elephants finish high school. :-(

Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. To stomp out forest fires.

Q. Why do elephants have large feet?
A. To stomp out flaming ducks!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on September 12, 2019, 07:49:02 PM
Q. What do you get when you cross breed an Elephant with a mouse?
A. I don't know but a mouse trap won't work to catch it.

Q. What do you do when an Elephant breaks a toe?
A. Call a Toe Truck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 12, 2019, 08:45:00 PM
Why was the elephant wearing red sneakers?


So it could hide in the strawberry patch.


Why was the elephant wearing green sneakers?


Because it's red sneakers where dirty.


How do you get down from an elephant?


You don't,  you get down from a duck!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 13, 2019, 07:29:10 AM
Ground Support

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.


You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 13, 2019, 01:52:36 PM
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 13, 2019, 04:25:12 PM
Better watch the meals she serves you for awhile too. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 13, 2019, 05:51:52 PM
Ground Support

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.


You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

An oldie, but great-ie!

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 13, 2019, 07:00:38 PM
Yes! He’s a Blond

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 13, 2019, 08:40:13 PM
*INSURANCE CLAIM*

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.... and the barrel came careening down upon me. Thus causing the assorted fractured ribs.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 14, 2019, 09:19:00 AM
Still funny. First heard that in 1970 as part of our safety lecture when I started work at IDOT.
GARY

*INSURANCE CLAIM*

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.... and the barrel came careening down upon me. Thus causing the assorted fractured ribs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on September 14, 2019, 02:10:11 PM
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as much as I remember.


----------------------------------------


I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


----------------------------------------


My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Jeff? Do you think you’ll be next?”

This stopped quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.


----------------------------------------

I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 14, 2019, 02:30:05 PM
I asked Electra what women want, darn thing still hasn't shut up!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 14, 2019, 02:59:25 PM
Groucho Marx:

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on September 14, 2019, 07:01:10 PM
For all those telemarketers you'd like to get even with for spoiling your quiet dinner...………

https://famguardian.org/Subjects/PropertyPrivacy/Articles/Tom_Mabe.mp4


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on September 14, 2019, 07:17:13 PM
I went to a Perkins's for breakfast today to meet my Aunt and Uncle.
Since I only see them once a year I dressed sharply in my best black suit.
My Uncle being a wise guy says "WOW! Who died?"
Looking around I replied "I ain't decided yet."
 ;D


------------------------------


My mother-in-law came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.

So I took off her blouse.

She said, “Now off with the skirt.”

I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”

And when I did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”

I took them off.

She continued,

“And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”


------------------------------------


I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.


-------------------------------------


Wife and I were sitting at the table, having dinner. She drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

I nodded and said, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Doctors say I will recover but may have some memory loss.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on September 14, 2019, 07:47:20 PM
For all those telemarketers you'd like to get even with for spoiling your quiet dinner...………

https://famguardian.org/Subjects/PropertyPrivacy/Articles/Tom_Mabe.mp4


Tom,this is awesome! Can't stop laughing.   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 14, 2019, 09:30:55 PM
Grin and Bear It

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on September 14, 2019, 09:33:59 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/VEszTjE.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on September 14, 2019, 09:49:51 PM
Good one Skeeter. That will put the snowflakes at ease.    ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on September 14, 2019, 10:05:11 PM
Wanna find out who cares for you, put mama and the dog in the trunk for an hour then open it and see who is glad to see you ::) ;D
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on September 15, 2019, 03:01:12 PM
Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The love of your life.

Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!


--------------------


A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct." The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"

"The old fool used an elastic rope!"


--------------------


Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is gonna be epic!


--------------------


People are really strange.
When you scream in a library they tell you to shut up!
But when you do it on an airplane everyone joins in!


---------------------


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 15, 2019, 03:21:36 PM
Quote
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Awesome!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 15, 2019, 09:08:15 PM
60 Years of Experience

Jack was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches ...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles."

Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit", and picked one out. The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long." Jack laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Jack tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Jack admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?" Jack thought for a moment then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jack, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck." Jack was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Jack tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Jack adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about new shoes?" Jack was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jack's feet, and said, "Let's see . 9 1/2 E." Jack was astonished, "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Jack tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jack walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman said, "How about some new underwear?" Jack thought for a second, and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Jack's waist and said,"Let's see ... size 36."

Jack laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years
old.

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a *(&^ of a headache"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 16, 2019, 06:54:50 AM
^CLASSIC!!^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 16, 2019, 11:11:10 AM
One morning, a husband returns the family boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”).

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 16, 2019, 10:25:30 PM
 “When I was a kid, my old man didn't help me either. I asked my old man if I can go ice skating on the lake, he told me to wait 'till it gets warmer.” “My wife's a cold person. Her side of the waterbed is frozen.” “Doctors say when a man makes love to a woman, he burns up energy, he loses 150 calories. I made love to a girl once and lost even more. I lost 150 calories, my watch and my wallet.”
"What a son I've got. I told him about the birds and the bees and then he told me about the butcher and my wife." Rodney Dangerfield
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 16, 2019, 11:28:51 PM
Go for Help

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he'a a goner!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 18, 2019, 01:01:36 PM
Amish Wagon Repairs

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob...something about the emergency brake..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 19, 2019, 02:56:29 PM
An old man went to the doctor. He said, “Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to.”

The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, “Can I ask you how old you are, sir?”

“I’m 87.”, said the old man.

“87!”, exclaimed the doctor, “How old is your wife?”

“She’s 92.”, was the reply.

The doctor was astonished by this, and said, “So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is 92 and you are worried that you don’t get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?”

“That is correct.” said the old man, “What can you do to help me?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “when did you first notice this problem?”.

The old man looked thoughtful, “I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 19, 2019, 06:39:14 PM
What an ANIMAL!!
:)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 19, 2019, 07:55:20 PM
MODS, DELETE IF NOT APPROPRIATE


Doctor:   Mercury is in Uranus.


Patient:   I'm not into astrology, what does this mean?


Doctor:   It means my thermometer broke.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 19, 2019, 09:52:57 PM
Carl: I got your 6 Buddy...


Ever look in your wallet at a Dollar bill and wonder what part of a Stripper it has seen?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on September 19, 2019, 10:48:05 PM
A famous Spanish magician began his hardest trick, "Uno,"..."Dos,"...

and disappeared with a tres.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 20, 2019, 02:34:35 PM
Flight 293

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - - - OH MY GOD!!!!"

Dead silence followed.

After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize. I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. But while I was speaking, the Flight Attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled the coffee all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach shouted back, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on September 21, 2019, 01:09:14 AM
My existence....




On a real note.


The Cops


An old man hears rustling in his back yard, he looks out the window and sees 3 thugs rummaging his garage. He calls 911 and tells the operator "there are thugs breaking into my garage, please send the police". He got a reply "our officers are busy and will get to you as soon as possible". They hang up. He looks out the window again 5 minutes later and still see the thugs. He again calls 911 "ma'am i need an ambulance, i just  shot abunch of thugs on my property" and he hung up. Soon after, his house was swarmed with police and a helicopter. They got the thugs and arrested them, walked to the house and asked the home owner a question. "I thought you shot people tonight" , the home owner replied "I thought you guys were too busy".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 21, 2019, 07:49:51 AM
Just Married

A Redneck couple had just been married and went to a hotel for
their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for
a room. He said "This here is a very special 'casion and we
need a good room with a strong bed."

The hotel clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?

The Redneck fellow thought about it a while and then replied,
"No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets
used to it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on September 21, 2019, 11:07:05 AM
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.

A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.

The train conductor sees two drunk guys staggering on train tracks.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 21, 2019, 10:14:36 PM
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

1st TIME KIDNAPPER
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note....

Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on September 22, 2019, 01:03:13 AM
When I am about to fart in the middle of a big crowd, I pucker my bungh%le forcefully and it comes out as a burp.

Saves me the embarrassment.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 22, 2019, 05:16:25 PM
(https://scontent.fphl2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70733612_2177448499214252_8725633954868101120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_oc=AQl7PYnjb4PjWNnNX-qAK8dTbkZIa2uEnekEWaKM_pRgaRH3-x1hDjqTzMOXjete6nF7YyXnaXnaYX0Z5oMHlCoy&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-2.fna&oh=b13b29f5439352e544f427c94056d3ac&oe=5DFACAB7)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on September 22, 2019, 05:42:20 PM
 ;D  Just imagine what it like to be my age. Getting my socks on in the morning may be my high point of the day!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 22, 2019, 06:20:51 PM
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two
college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each
of
them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on September 22, 2019, 06:30:10 PM
;D  Just imagine what it like to be my age. Getting my socks on in the morning may be my high point of the day!

Especially when you have to wear knee high compression socks like I do!  (chuckle)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 22, 2019, 07:13:18 PM
Too close to home to be funny today Kris.
 ;)
I went to a wedding and the ensuing reception yesterday.
Apparently "Dancing" is now a strenuous activity.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 23, 2019, 12:37:31 AM
GOING OUT TONIGHT....

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat that they had just put out, scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid mean woman was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat @@@ downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on September 23, 2019, 01:07:09 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70733612_2177448499214252_8725633954868101120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_oc=AQl7PYnjb4PjWNnNX-qAK8dTbkZIa2uEnekEWaKM_pRgaRH3-x1hDjqTzMOXjete6nF7YyXnaXnaYX0Z5oMHlCoy&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-2.fna&oh=b13b29f5439352e544f427c94056d3ac&oe=5DFACAB7)

Im 26 and my fat boody is allready pulling my calves putting socks on.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on September 23, 2019, 01:09:54 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70733612_2177448499214252_8725633954868101120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_oc=AQl7PYnjb4PjWNnNX-qAK8dTbkZIa2uEnekEWaKM_pRgaRH3-x1hDjqTzMOXjete6nF7YyXnaXnaYX0Z5oMHlCoy&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-2.fna&oh=b13b29f5439352e544f427c94056d3ac&oe=5DFACAB7)

Im 26 and my fat boody is allready pulling my calves putting socks on.....

Old age sneaks up on you.   It doesn't SMACK you in the face.   If you are over-weight, do something about it now.

I do remember being 26 and thinking/feeling that I had a lot of time.   Well, the time flies...  unbelievably fast!

BTW, I got the same advice when I was 26 and ignored it...  (heavy sigh)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on September 23, 2019, 01:17:53 AM
I do/try to figure which position to hold/carry certain items at work to exercise certain muscles... but the belly/chest is not one of them.... your belly in general can affect alot of things youd never expect...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on September 23, 2019, 01:25:03 AM
I do/try to figure which position to hold/carry certain items at work to exercise certain muscles... but the belly/chest is not one of them.... your belly in general can affect alot of things youd never expect...

If you are over-weight, do something about it NOW.   It does not get easier with age.   Reduction of total calorie intake is a good start, but only if combined with a healthy diet.

Good luck to you my friend!

P.S.

I was really skinny when I was young.  5'10" and 130 pounds.

My heaviest was 220 pounds and I had lost an inch in height at 5'9".

I am now at 178, but WAS down to 159 pounds.   (heavy sigh)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 23, 2019, 01:28:37 AM
good advice Kerry.


i'm almost 60 and i just moved and compacted 8 tons of wet crushed stone with a shovel and wheelbarrow in 2 days.  yesterday another 5 tons was delivered and i would have moved it today, but it's raining.  i'm not a big guy either.  5' 8" & 170lbs.


keep active and don't forget to stretch.  believe me, it's easier to stay in shape than it is to get back in shape the older you get.[size=78%]  [/size]
[/size]


 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on September 23, 2019, 01:32:33 AM
good advice Kerry.


i'm almost 60 and i just moved and compacted 8 tons of wet crushed stone with a shovel and wheelbarrow in 2 days.  yesterday another 5 tons was delivered and i would have moved it today, but it's raining.  i'm not a big guy either.  5' 8" & 170lbs.


keep active and don't forget to stretch.  believe me, it's easier to stay in shape than it is to get back in shape the older you get.[size=78%]  [/size]


+1

Especially the stretching before ANY major physical activity!!!

5 minutes of stretching is no where near the aggravation of a pulled muscle/tendon/vertebrae... etc.  (grin)

My arthritis is ALWAYS better if I can be active.   Even strenuously active!   It also helps me to sleep more soundly.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 23, 2019, 09:36:49 AM
Tips from the Backwoods

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your finger covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table … no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say, "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 23, 2019, 10:44:21 AM
(https://scontent.fphl2-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/70733612_2177448499214252_8725633954868101120_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_oc=AQl7PYnjb4PjWNnNX-qAK8dTbkZIa2uEnekEWaKM_pRgaRH3-x1hDjqTzMOXjete6nF7YyXnaXnaYX0Z5oMHlCoy&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-2.fna&oh=b13b29f5439352e544f427c94056d3ac&oe=5DFACAB7)

Ha! This is great!

Sometimes I hunt my own kale with my HW 95. Clean kills every time. If I'm out for cabbage, I always go for the headshot.

-W

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 23, 2019, 01:01:29 PM
A Nun Thing

A cab driver picks up a young and fairly good-looking
Nun. She gets into the cab, and the driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. I work in the disadvantaged neighborhoods and when you have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, perhaps we can do something about that.
But #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too !!"

The Nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a long hot passionate kiss.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
My dear child," said the Nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess. I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

The Nun says, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 23, 2019, 01:08:51 PM
A Nun Thing

A cab driver picks up a young and fairly good-looking
Nun. She gets into the cab, and the driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. I work in the disadvantaged neighborhoods and when you have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, perhaps we can do something about that.
But #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too !!"

The Nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a long hot passionate kiss.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
My dear child," said the Nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess. I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

The Nun says, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
Yeah, pretty sure I would need to ask for forgiveness for more than lying...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 23, 2019, 02:00:06 PM
Good ones Mike.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 23, 2019, 05:03:05 PM
Thanks Jerry, I recall when you started the thread and enjoy sharing some humor when I can find it. Good thread.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 23, 2019, 05:12:50 PM
Viagra’s Secret Recipe

I knew we would find this out someday. They finally released the
ingredients in Viagra:


3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch

87% Fix-A-Flat
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 23, 2019, 06:00:11 PM
GREAT ONE!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 23, 2019, 07:05:20 PM
Viagra’s Secret Recipe

I knew we would find this out someday. They finally released the
ingredients in Viagra:


3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch

87% Fix-A-Flat

With optional band aids, duct tape, and bailing wire. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 23, 2019, 08:18:16 PM
Viagra’s Secret Recipe

I knew we would find this out someday. They finally released the
ingredients in Viagra:


3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch

87% Fix-A-Flat

With optional band aids, duct tape, and bailing wire. ;)
Kris.... that's only in the his and hers kit.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 23, 2019, 08:53:37 PM
But where is the pencil lead?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on September 24, 2019, 01:36:42 AM
Today was a joke... wake up to find some jack booty hit/swiped my car last night with no note on my windshield... like anyone would do it anyways(sarcasm).  House video only 2 cars passed down our street but not high graphic to show licence info. Get to work and soon after stabbed a nice hole on my hand.




Joke?

Im a D.A. like usual....




Trying to do something for the forums was show earlier as joke for today...


Sorry to anyone i effected. Again.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 24, 2019, 09:27:33 PM
Seniors

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:


The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or

God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country. Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?


What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."

Just look at the seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m.!
I'm very good at opening childproof caps—with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for—long-term care, eye care, private care, and dental care.
I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like....
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 25, 2019, 06:38:39 PM
Seniors

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:


The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or

God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country. Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?


What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."

Just look at the seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

Speaking of patriotism, I like the First Amendment to the Constitution (https://www.history.com/topics/united-states-constitution/first-amendment).


-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 25, 2019, 08:36:29 PM
Unfortunately, while originally was set in good intent, the first amendment has been greatly abused by the press to blaspheme. Considering the  thought of our for-fathers who wrote it.

Oop's that political... can't go there.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 25, 2019, 08:40:23 PM
Sacrifice with a good Smile

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 25, 2019, 09:21:59 PM
 An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out. “You can each have one wish,” said the genie. The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”. Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
 Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,” . The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!

...


A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course. He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window." His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.

He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's gonna be." So he and his wife go up to the house and see the door open. They went inside and saw the golf ball laying next to a broken glass bottle. A man walks up and says, "Thank you!"
The husband said, "I'm sorry about the . . . " And the man interrupts, "Oh don't worry about the window. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I'm a genie. So you get one wish and your wife  gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one."
The husband asks for $100 million. The genie says, "Done." The wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars. Genie says, "Done. Now, my wish is to have my way with your wife because, you know, I've been trapped in that bottle for so long."
 They agreed, since their extravagant wishes had been granted. And so the genie has his way with the man's wife, not just once but many times. When they're done, the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"

She answers, "33." And, the man said, "And he still believes in genies?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 25, 2019, 09:37:54 PM
Unfortunately, while originally was set in good intent, the first amendment has been greatly abused by the press to blaspheme. Considering the  thought of our for-fathers who wrote it.

Oop's that political... can't go there.

Kind of like the Second Amendment?

Oh, golly! I just went there too!

I need a joke to justify this post.

-W


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 28, 2019, 08:56:29 AM
Flight Service

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the flight was airborne, the flight attendant came to get drink orders.

"I'll have a whiskey on the rocks, if that's okay, ma'am," said the cowboy.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips," he replied disgustedly.

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Sorry, ma'am, I didn't know we had a choice."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on September 28, 2019, 10:39:41 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!  :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 01, 2019, 01:17:00 AM
They say a rolling Stone gathers no Moss, but Mick and Kieth have yet to die in the Forrest.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on October 01, 2019, 07:21:01 AM
  Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer"   :o ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 01, 2019, 07:43:38 AM
Back in 1960 an elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear a confession:

Father during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic. The Priest replied," That was a wonderful thing you did...no need to confess."

It's worse Father, she started to repay me with sexual favors. You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven"

Thank you Father, that's a load off my mind, but one more thing...
"And what's that?"

Should I tell her the war's over?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 01, 2019, 11:39:45 AM
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created the man and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the man said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on October 01, 2019, 11:51:22 AM
GOOD ONE EARL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 01, 2019, 01:29:53 PM
NO SPEEKA DA ENGLIS

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 01, 2019, 02:29:27 PM
  Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer"   :o ;D ;D
Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
The reason it's not official is because it would cost something like $75000 per road sign to change everything to stupid kilometers.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 01, 2019, 04:29:04 PM
THE SUPPORTIVE AND LOVING WIFE

A middle age couple were enjoying a quiet moment at home one evening, but the woman's mind was working overtime, there were some things that she just had to get off her chest ... so to speak

She took her man's hand and looked him in the eye and said, "dear, I have a confession to make, i have been unfaithful to you three times during our relationship" ...

... the husband was dumbfounded, and a look of hurt came upon his face, his lady went on to add, "but each time it was for your own good and happiness" ... now he looked very confused .... she said, "let me explain" ....

"Do you remember when we were much younger, and we applied for our first mortgage, and we were initially turned down?" ... "yes he replied" ...."but then we got the loan" .... "you mean you did the banker?" .... the woman smiled and nodded yes ....

Then she said, "remember when you needed that heart surgery, but the medical staff said they needed some financial security?" .... he nodded yes .... "and then all of a sudden your surgery was scheduled, and the operation was a complete success?" .... "you mean you did the doctor?" .... again she nodded yes .....

Now the look of hurt and pain began to lift from the man's face, seeing the kindness and self-sacrifice of his lady's actions ... "and the third time", he asked ..... she took a deep breath and said:

"Remember the time you ran for president of the yacht club, and eventually you were elected?" ... he looked puzzled, and said "yeah" ... she replied "well, I found out from the membership committee that you were 14 votes short"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on October 01, 2019, 05:37:25 PM
  Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer"   :o ;D ;D
Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
The reason it's not official is because it would cost something like $75000 per road sign to change everything to stupid kilometers.


"they will make the yardstick no longer"

(if they did it wouldn't be a yardstick) :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 01, 2019, 05:41:47 PM
  Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer"   :o ;D ;D
Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
The reason it's not official is because it would cost something like $75000 per road sign to change everything to stupid kilometers.


"they will make the yardstick no longer"

(if they did it wouldn't be a yardstick) :o

Glad you caught that and could explain it to the rest of us...  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 01, 2019, 05:45:58 PM
* Another Classic*

A wife on her deathbed.
An old man is at his wife's deathbed in their home.

The old woman whispers to her husband.

"My husband, I want to show you something before I pass."

The husband replies "what is it my dear? I'll do anything you ask.."

"I want you to open the chest locker at the foot of the bed that I always kept locked."

"I will! I've always wondered what was in there."

The old man opens the chest and inside is $50,000 and 3 ears of corn.

"I have to ask honey, why is there 3 ears of corn in there."

"Well," the old woman answered. "Every time I committed adultery I would put an ear of corn in the chest."

"Oh, I forgive you my love, it's been 60 years. But why the $50 thousand?"

"When I collected a bushel, I sold it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on October 01, 2019, 08:36:18 PM
* Another Classic*

A wife on her deathbed.
An old man is at his wife's deathbed in their home.

The old woman whispers to her husband.

"My husband, I want to show you something before I pass."

The husband replies "what is it my dear? I'll do anything you ask.."

"I want you to open the chest locker at the foot of the bed that I always kept locked."

"I will! I've always wondered what was in there."

The old man opens the chest and inside is $50,000 and 3 ears of corn.

"I have to ask honey, why is there 3 ears of corn in there."

"Well," the old woman answered. "Every time I committed adultery I would put an ear of corn in the chest."

"Oh, I forgive you my love, it's been 60 years. But why the $50 thousand?"

"When I collected a bushel, I sold it."

Ouchies!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 02, 2019, 03:56:54 AM
Chief Assessment

Have you ever wondered if this were the truth of the matter?

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to
interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his material wealth.

You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 03, 2019, 09:07:36 AM
BOO! It’s Halloween

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the $hit out of a ghost."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 03, 2019, 10:17:08 AM
  Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer"   :o ;D ;D
Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
The reason it's not official is because it would cost something like $75000 per road sign to change everything to stupid kilometers.

I have been though it twice. Remember in the 70's when it got as far as selling gasoline by the liter?

IDOT did it and it was a real pain and we switched back.
BIG question is do you go with a hard or soft conversion. Do you just measure everything in meters such as pavement width and end up with decimals or go with a new standard width?
Converting all the old plans, records and stationing was a monumental task.
Metric would be great, lots easier to calculate but I wish they had done it 200 years ago, not while I had to deal with it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 03, 2019, 01:34:02 PM
  Remember back when this country was talking about going metric?
Never happened.
But now my wife says "they will make the yardstick no longer"   :o ;D ;D
Most of the country actually has, our military has and a lot of business runs on it.
The reason it's not official is because it would cost something like $75000 per road sign to change everything to stupid kilometers.
I have been though it twice. Remember in the 70's when it got as far as selling gasoline by the liter?

IDOT did it and it was a real pain and we switched back.
BIG question is do you go with a hard or soft conversion. Do you just measure everything in meters such as pavement width and end up with decimals or go with a new standard width?
Converting all the old plans, records and stationing was a monumental task.
Metric would be great, lots easier to calculate but I wish they had done it 200 years ago, not while I had to deal with it.

(https://i.imgur.com/0dXIIPb.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 03, 2019, 01:39:19 PM
^ LOVE IT!!! ^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on October 03, 2019, 07:26:05 PM
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress .

There's a calculator in her pocketbook She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, wha t's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ....beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you,

there's going to be a string attached.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 03, 2019, 07:58:44 PM
Have to watch those strings. Good one. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on October 03, 2019, 08:10:50 PM
Good one Kris.   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 04, 2019, 04:59:20 AM
Good one Kris.   ;)

Yep, I lol'ed too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 04, 2019, 02:38:48 PM
For The Want of a “Way”

The young man had a blind date and took her to an amusement park. He tried some polite small talk , but she didn't seem to be interested in talking and hardly said a word, and when he took her for a ride on the Ferris while she seemed rather bored.

So after the ride was over he asked her, "What would you like to do next?"
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said again.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"No, it was wousy!" said the girl.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 04, 2019, 06:22:11 PM
I just KNEW that was coming!
reminded me of this oldie... so I had to correct the "NON-PC" verbiage as best I could...
In other words: you should not say "Hairlip Midget" anymore.


A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.

Dwarf says "I want to buy a horth"

The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"

The Dwarf replies "A female horth"

The owner shows him a Mare.

"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 04, 2019, 07:41:41 PM
Hunting Lesson

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting
while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe
tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound
while Joe checks out a deer stand.

When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears
a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I REALLY TRIED! " When
those snakes crawled all over me, I didn't make a sound.
When that bear came and was breathing down my neck, I didn't
make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up
my pants leg and said - 'Should we take them with us
or eat them here?'...

I just couldn't keep quiet any more !
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 05, 2019, 10:53:31 AM

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two
consecutive sentences.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna
give him a really tough sentence.

I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it
dawned on me.

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it's more of a rap.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was
gathering dust.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I'm just not
on the right planet.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now.

My clock just went back 4 seconds... I guess it was still hungry.

I knew a guy named Roger... He was huge, about 10-4.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 05, 2019, 10:58:25 AM
Love 'em all Gary... you saved the best for last!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on October 05, 2019, 11:54:24 AM
did hear about the italian chef that died?



he pasta way.
the doctors cannoli do so much.
he just ran out of thyme.
sausage tragedy.
sending olive my prayers.






dust!  it's what gives a home that warm fuzzy feeling.






how do you fix a broken pumpkin?    with a pumpkin patch!






have you ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you, and felt glad that you are alive?


I did and apparently won't be allowed on that airline again.






too old for snapchat, too young for life alert!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 05, 2019, 04:30:12 PM
Super Seating

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl
from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the
stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the
corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear
Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an
empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard
line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way
through the stadium and around the security guards to the
empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to
him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is
incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?

The man replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together
since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't
you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close
friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 05, 2019, 09:14:32 PM
Amazing how a great joke like that reminds me of another...

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.

"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is the funeral for?"

"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman attacked and killed her."

"That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"

 The mourner replies "Get in line, buddy...get in line."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 05, 2019, 10:31:49 PM
Good one. Sometimes hearing a joke works like a “memory cue card” for myself also. “Humor might not make the world go ‘round, but it does make you smile while you’re on the ride” D. Michael.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 06, 2019, 10:07:40 AM
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.
 
I'm sending it right back!  Way too expensive and really bad quality.


----------


A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.

The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.

“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.

The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”

“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.

The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.

“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.

“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”


----------


A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that poo in their intestines?”



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 06, 2019, 10:43:41 AM
Nice Jeff!
Also got a kick out of your new avatar. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 06, 2019, 02:09:13 PM
What brand ma’am?

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The first lady asked, "What's that?"
The second lady said, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it? asked the first lady.
The second lady replied, "Oh, you can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first lady hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old) but very delicately he asks what brand she prefers. The elderly lady replies,







"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 06, 2019, 04:27:15 PM
NICE!
In all my years of telling jokes, and smoking, I have never heard that one!
Hope I can remember it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 06, 2019, 04:37:34 PM
A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”

The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your Man part is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”

A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”

Doctor: “S-s-s-sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”


----------


My brother went to jail last night.
He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall!
I don't think we will be playing Monopoly with him again!


----------


Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a Member of Congress!"
"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"


----------


It's wasn't easy being a bachelor.


I had to clean my own dishes
I had to take out my own trash
I had to clean my own apartment
I had to do my own laundry



Then a month or two later, I'd have to do it all over again!


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on October 06, 2019, 10:41:33 PM
An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." he says
"He got in the back-seat by mistake."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 06, 2019, 11:41:06 PM
Good one Lizzie. The ole fellow should have recognized back seat decor from his drive-in days. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on October 07, 2019, 12:01:22 AM
HAHAHAHA- excellent point! :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 07, 2019, 12:37:07 AM
Little Mary Margaret

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student at St.Alphonsus Elementary
School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a
Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good",
and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that "dang" thing in me one more time, I'll break
it in half!"

The Nun fainted
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 07, 2019, 01:06:20 AM
Nice Jeff!
Also got a kick out of your new avatar. ;)
Me too.
The show was still okay with Andy's sharp Whit, but Knott's as Barney Pfeiff really made the show.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on October 07, 2019, 01:36:33 AM
"If you stick that "dang" thing in me one more time, I'll break
it in half!"



Oh jebus..... that was a good laugh




Quote
."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"




23 kids  ?!?!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 07, 2019, 01:45:03 AM
Nice Jeff!
Also got a kick out of your new avatar. ;)
Me too.
The show was still okay with Andy's sharp Whit, but Knott's as Barney Pfeiff really made the show.

Pfeiff?  Really?  LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 07, 2019, 10:01:15 AM
Friends of mine were riding bicycles through a small community and were stopped by the local law enforcement officer.  The officer felt it unlawful to ride two abreast on a city street.  The group spokesman said to the law enforcement officer:  Look Barney Fife, you need to learn to read, so you will know what the law really says.
That didn't go over too well!
I was stopped in the same community one late summer evening at 7:04 p.m for not having my headlights on.  (Yes, it was very bright outside!)  I told the officer that I didn't know what time sunset was today.  His reply:  "Sunset today is 7:02 p.m."  ;) ::)
About Don Knotts making the show:  Opinions are like belly buttons.  Everyone has one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on October 07, 2019, 10:16:25 AM
Sounds like a certain LEO had a little too much time on their hands.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 07, 2019, 10:23:29 AM
Hello

The new Texas Preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the
country
music singer. One day he decided to visit some of the church members
who hadn't
been to services lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked
on the
door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty".

No Ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor and I came to have prayer
with you." So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a beautiful widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was
taking a
shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened
the
door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the
towel to
fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. It's Conway
Twitty!"

And the Preacher said......."Hello, Darlin"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 08, 2019, 09:14:39 AM
Ladies First

A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a
local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth
near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and
heads for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over
the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human.

The tourist jumps up and yells,
"Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says,

"I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 08, 2019, 10:25:50 AM
Somebody stole my limbo stick,
how low can you go?
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 08, 2019, 11:36:55 AM
A man rushes home and from the door bellows “Guess what I heard in the bar today?”

The wife smiles and replies “Some new gossip from your buddies?”

The man nods excitedly and says “They said the milkman has slept with every woman on our block except one.” Here he gives his wife a proud smile.

The wife frowns, thinks about it for a moment and replies, “I’ll bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis in No. 23. She hates blue collar workers.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 08, 2019, 08:16:40 PM
Oh Earl... that is GREAT!

Gary, I love short ones... easy to remember. THANKS!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 09, 2019, 12:20:51 AM
One or Two Too Many

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing.

So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand
one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
crawl the four blocks home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he
managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and
is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 09, 2019, 12:57:51 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUfMgc-b9zw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUfMgc-b9zw)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 09, 2019, 10:47:45 AM
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two
Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans
just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to
the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him
any good."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 09, 2019, 10:39:44 PM
If Seeing Is Believing....

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and left it there all night.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 10, 2019, 10:29:59 AM
Mary owned and operated a small nursery that was renowned for its
magnificent chrysanthemums. Her neighbor Jack had a small kennel, where he
raised purebred Dalmatians.

They merged in the hope that they could combine the two and grow it into an
online sales .com.

Unfortunately, the flower business wilted and the market for Dalmatians was
spotty, so it remained a small "mum and pup" operation.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 10, 2019, 05:44:46 PM
Good one Gary.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 10, 2019, 09:23:45 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 10, 2019, 10:18:00 PM
First Prize

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded

by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 11, 2019, 09:59:14 AM
Excellent vid of Jimmy Stewart, thanks Scott. Reminds me of another celebrity who could really deliver a joke and his name was Buddy Hackett.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 12, 2019, 01:49:01 AM
(kinda morbid, but it's close to Halloween)

The blonde mortician


A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 12, 2019, 05:55:22 AM
(https://forums.majorgeeks.com/attachments/mouse-dead-jpg.236342/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 12, 2019, 06:07:27 AM
Sounds like a tale of “The headless corpsemen”. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 12, 2019, 06:54:36 AM
NICE!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 12, 2019, 08:04:49 AM
A Horse?

M W D (Mad Wife Disease)

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him
and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was
that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary
Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked
him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 12, 2019, 09:31:53 PM
After all these years my wife still thinks I am sexy. Just the other day as I was walking away after talking to her I heard her say, ‘What an @@@’!
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 12, 2019, 09:34:13 PM
After all these years my wife still thinks I am sexy. Just the other day as I was walking away after talking to her I heard her say, ‘What an @@@’!
Gary

I hear that all the time.  Even from folks I have just met!  (chuckle)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 12, 2019, 09:36:02 PM
OHHHH so that is a compliment?
Good to know, I here it a lot.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 12, 2019, 11:42:07 PM
A ROOSTER NAMED RALPH

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So,
he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster
that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but
first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money."
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house
and Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ral! ph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and
the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in
the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the
next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard,
mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the
air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the ! buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 12, 2019, 11:48:22 PM
^CLASSIC!^
Thank you!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 13, 2019, 05:19:53 PM
Wise Tidbits

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 13, 2019, 08:31:30 PM
Guilty of #7
LOVE #15
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 14, 2019, 10:58:43 AM
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he
claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it
was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical
fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1983, 1928, 1856 and 1794.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 14, 2019, 12:23:53 PM
Boy! That's some potent "snake oil". lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 15, 2019, 12:22:09 AM
You Wanna What?

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars
you can kiss my wife's t**s."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. "I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 15, 2019, 10:00:31 AM
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound
perspicacious.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on October 15, 2019, 01:33:38 PM
Just a friendly reminder that there is no age limit to our forum... please be respectful of this as we post. None of us want to deal with an upset parent over what their youngster is reading while he looks for tips on shooting his Daisy Red Ryder.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on October 15, 2019, 06:03:33 PM
My new (old) manager is a joke...

He wrote out a schedule i cant work due to my epilepsy/insomnia. Tried talking to him about it and it was an "instant shutdown", he kept talking over me because it was against his agenda, demands i need a dr note before he can change anyones schedual... he didnt think id actually get a dr note, when i handed it to him he got really angry in his face (i called his bluff). I walked away since i was off the clock and wont see him tomorrow. He can ponder on the situation/problem/joke he created.



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 15, 2019, 07:14:03 PM
Honey I’m Home

Tony wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
> his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
> glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in
> front of him, all clean and pressed. Tony looks around the room and
> sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of
> the
> house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey,
> breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
>
> So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
> the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks,
> "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home
> after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
> hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the
> door."
>
> Confused, Tony asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and
> breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
> Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
> off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
>
> a self-induced hangover - $100.00
>
> broken furniture - $200.00
>
> breakfast - $10.00
>
> saying the right thing - priceless
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on October 15, 2019, 09:47:24 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/72572162_1054767171534535_7702368682474733568_n.png?_nc_cat=1&_nc_eui2=AeHzACwCXqKp7eIoCpDTAr9Y0AxPXFwtRZqsZHIsTAEwmCeYpN7tdzgZ4ax_Iolli3RxNjlPP7ZBq2ZtJykx0X_Hyfp5k10kaHFSWPc1ixMG-g&_nc_oc=AQkwGgjDUQSkQMrdHa5IXa3lAHvfEBonn_sjxvoyI_jCWOoLomhQYqEDaEQH-JR08OJqbBEeqLxWgjwoXmoMYUob&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=4573bf2a11f22b9f993869092008f506&oe=5E251FD6)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 16, 2019, 12:20:59 PM
Oil Shortage

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil
 shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.
 We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely
 geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, New Mexico, and Oklahoma.




All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 18, 2019, 10:58:58 AM
A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when
he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and
coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on
a lawn chair.

"My goodness," he exclaimed. "You are quite old to be driving!"

"Yes," he replied. "I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore. The
last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving
license. I told him yes and handed it to him."

"He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw
them in the wastebasket. 'You won't be needing this anymore,' he said."

"So I thanked him and left."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 18, 2019, 02:32:34 PM
A man came into the Sheriff's. "I understand that the burglar who stole from my home a month ago has been identified and arrested. I would like to talk to him".

The Sheriff asked, " What do you want to talk to him about"?

The man replied, "I want to ask him how he got into my house that night without waking up my wife. I've been trying to do that for years."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 19, 2019, 07:29:08 AM
Good one Tater. According to just what was taken, his wife might be a lovers accomplice. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 19, 2019, 10:47:36 AM
Pet Store Purchase

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and
searched.

Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except an ugly frog. As she walked by
the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her. He whispered ,
"I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old lady figured....what the heck, she hadn't found anything else.
So she bought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "Kiss me and you won't
be sorry."

So, again she figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young
handsome prince. The prince then kissed the old lady back......and guess what
the old lady turned into?

COME ON.............

.....GUESS..........







She turned into the first hotel she could find.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 19, 2019, 11:45:26 AM
He Said To Me:



He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but watch TV

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him ....... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .... They don't have time

He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him ... I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him... They already have boyfriends..

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said... A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 19, 2019, 03:33:28 PM
One rainy, windy night, not unlike tonight, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetary.
As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.
He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.
The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP! Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster - BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY!
The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin. SMASH! - the axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.
The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs - BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!
The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.
In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.
The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 19, 2019, 03:45:59 PM
The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.
(https://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/incredibly-stupid.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on October 19, 2019, 07:46:08 PM
The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

Insert rimshot here. 8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 19, 2019, 08:28:57 PM
Only forward observers and snipers will think this is funny.

(https://forum.snipershide.com/attachments/1571520456444-png.7167038/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 20, 2019, 12:42:29 AM
Awe common...
Coughin... Coffin... Work with me.
 :D

I'm here all week... try the veil.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 20, 2019, 01:19:34 AM
A Minnesota man sold his soul to the devil so his beloved Vikings could win the super bowl. When the big game ended with the Vikings champion the devil appeared.

He says to the man and says " let's go " and poof they were gone

Upon arrival the man looks around a second then turns to the devil and says " what gives, I thought you were taking me to Hades "

The devil turns to the man and says " this is it, did you think it could actually get any worse than a Minnesota winter "
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: larspawn on October 20, 2019, 01:29:39 AM
Making the rounds again...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go  into town and kick- your heels".

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night..

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 20, 2019, 10:15:01 AM
Uncle Who?

Hello?



Hi honey.

This is Daddy

 Is Mommy near the phone?

No, Daddy

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.



After a brief pause



Daddy says


But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul



Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy

Right now


Brief Pause.



Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs

And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy

That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway


Okay, Daddy, Just a minute


A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone


I did it, Daddy


And what happened, honey?



'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and

ran around screaming


Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser

And now she isn't moving at all!



Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?



He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.



 He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window

And into the swimming pool.

 But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water


Last week to clean it.



He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.



Long Pause


 Longer Pause


Even Longer Pause



 Then Daddy says,



Swimming pool? ...........



Is this 486-5731?




No, I think you have the wrong number.......




Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 20, 2019, 10:37:40 AM
LOL
literally, I laughed out loud on that one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 21, 2019, 01:08:47 AM
^^^

What Scott said!  LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mac on October 21, 2019, 01:58:56 PM
Not jokes but might make you laugh.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on October 22, 2019, 12:23:29 AM
Something for all the senior guys out there.

  A lady in The Villages, in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench
where a gentleman was sitting.  She asked him if he was new to the community and he said, “No, I have owned a condo here for 20 years".

She said,  "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!"
 
He said, "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!"
 
She was stunned, and finally asked him what he had done.
 
He said that he had murdered his first wife!
 
She was stunned again, and after a long pause she said:
 
“So, you're SINGLE.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 22, 2019, 12:12:01 PM
A Search

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Oregon, and talks with an old

 rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for

illegally grown drugs.'



 The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there'

 and he points out the location.



 The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the

 authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear

pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the

farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever

 I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I

 made myself clear? Do you understand?'



The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.



A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the

 DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's

prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the

officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he

reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher

 throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his
lungs.....


 'Your badge! Show him your badge!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 22, 2019, 02:04:28 PM
Many years ago in the country near Lafayette, Louisiana, a farmer was taking a break from plowing behind a mule drawn plow.  While he stood in the shade of a tree leaning on the fence, a car slowly drove up and stopped.  A well dressed, young man rolled down the window and asked:  Where does this road go?"  The farmer thought for a while and answered that he had been standing in the shade for about 15 minutes and the road hadn't gone anywhere yet!  Mildly agitated, the young man asked:  "If I continue driving on this road, how long will it take me to get to Lafayette?"  The farmer answered that he didn't know because he had never been to Lafayette.  Really angry now, the young man asked:  "What is the next town down this road?"  The farmer thought for a long while and answered that there was not any town on this road that he knew about.
Completely frustrated, the city boy commented:  There isn't much separating you from a 'jackass'. 
Still leaning on the fence in the shade of the tree, the farmer said:  Only a fence.  And I ain't the one what's lost!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on October 22, 2019, 02:53:57 PM
Idiot Pours Gasoline Down Gopher Hole, Ignites With Predictable Results




(https://i.imgflip.com/3e0ibe.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 22, 2019, 03:36:44 PM
I feel bad for the two dogs there. Eeeck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on October 22, 2019, 04:53:50 PM
If the gopher was home, I'd say he got him!   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on October 22, 2019, 05:04:03 PM
If the gopher was home, I'd say he got him!   :o


IF.... thats a big word.


I dont think insurance will cover that.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on October 22, 2019, 05:09:36 PM
Faster than a tiller. He's ready to plant.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on October 22, 2019, 05:12:34 PM
If that gas didnt kill off the nutrients....


I dont condone FB... where the video originated, so i didnt post the video. But that GIF is pretty much the jist of it (its only missing the 3 matches the tried to light it up before)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 22, 2019, 05:15:49 PM
Many years ago in the country near Lafayette, Louisiana, a farmer was taking a break from plowing behind a mule drawn plow.  While he stood in the shade of a tree leaning on the fence, a car slowly drove up and stopped.  A well dressed, young man rolled down the window and asked:  Where does this road go?"  The farmer thought for a while and answered that he had been standing in the shade for about 15 minutes and the road hadn't gone anywhere yet!  Mildly agitated, the young man asked:  "If I continue driving on this road, how long will it take me to get to Lafayette?"  The farmer answered that he didn't know because he had never been to Lafayette.  Really angry now, the young man asked:  "What is the next town down this road?"  The farmer thought for a long while and answered that there was not any town on this road that he knew about.
Completely frustrated, the city boy commented:  There isn't much separating you from a 'jackass'. 
Still leaning on the fence in the shade of the tree, the farmer said:  Only a fence.  And I ain't the one what's lost!
Sounds like the farmer had a little entertainment during his break. Good one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on October 22, 2019, 05:27:47 PM
If the gopher was home, I'd say he got him!   :o


IF.... thats a big word.


I dont think insurance will cover that.

Yes, if is a big word. Vague at best
But not if the gopher was in the detonated area.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on October 22, 2019, 05:39:08 PM
Idiot Pours Gasoline Down Gopher Hole, Ignites With Predictable Results




(https://i.imgflip.com/3e0ibe.gif)
Carl Spackler would be proud!


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on October 22, 2019, 06:27:09 PM
INDEED!
It's not exactly C-4, but he's definitely going to have to re-landscape the back yard.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 22, 2019, 08:08:29 PM
INDEED!
It's not exactly C-4, but he's definitely going to have to re-landscape the back yard.
He could hire an Armadillo.  They were always re-doing my yard at the Louisiana house!   >:( >:(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 22, 2019, 08:13:19 PM
I feel bad for the two dogs there. Eeeck.

Makes me wonder where were the 2 dogs when the burrow was being dug?  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on October 22, 2019, 08:51:59 PM
I feel bad for the two dogs there. Eeeck.

Makes me wonder where were the 2 dogs when the burrow was being dug?  ;)

Well... before the excavation, the one in the yard flew behind the shed(?).... the other ran out from the house? From looking it over a few times.


The burrow probably got deep because the dogs ;) scared him to death he needed to dig to china.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 22, 2019, 09:06:08 PM
I feel bad for the two dogs there. Eeeck.

Makes me wonder where were the 2 dogs when the burrow was being dug?  ;)

Well... before the excavation, the one in the yard flew behind the shed(?).... the other ran out from the house? From looking it over a few times.


The burrow probably got deep because the dogs ;) scared him to death he needed to dig to china.

Look again.  Both dogs are in the yard when the match is lit.   One is behind the guy.  The other is at the upper right of the screen near the fence.

The one behind the guy looks to be near what might be a small dog house.

Perhaps they are mostly "inside" dogs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 23, 2019, 01:30:51 AM
The Worst Age

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a natural bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 23, 2019, 02:57:55 AM
Good one Mike!   Even if it might be a little too close to home... (chuckle/heavy sigh)

Never thought I would get this old or I would have taken much better care of myself.

No, I am not even close to 80.   Well, if I was still 20, I might really believe that.  (chuckle)

Time is relative and time flies.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 23, 2019, 05:47:38 AM
(https://forums.majorgeeks.com/attachments/img_1846-jpg.236321/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 23, 2019, 06:01:26 AM
(https://forums.majorgeeks.com/attachments/img_1846-jpg.236321/)

The pic is DOA.   At least, I can't see it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 23, 2019, 09:48:04 AM
RE gasoline in mole holes.
Used to take a small tin can 1/2 full of gasoline and put a corn cob in it. Drop the can and gas in one end of a groundhogs hole, light the corn cob and toss it in the other end.
The burning cobb would not so good the gas through the hole and boom. It would fire the ground hog out like a cannon, or it would run out or it would never come out. Never had the ground erupt like that but not sure how much gas he used in the mole hole and groundhogs dig deeper.

*****************************************************************
I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was having
problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and then
the cashier spilled a handful of coins.
When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her
nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on October 23, 2019, 12:51:28 PM
This is not a remedy for groundhogs but does work for yellow jackets that nest in the ground and no fire involved. Wait till dusk so they all are in the nest in the hole in the ground and fill a long neck beer bottle full of gas and quickly turn it upside down while plugging the hole with the bottle so the gas and fumes fill the hole blocking the exit. The next am you will have a hole full of dead yellow jackets.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 23, 2019, 01:24:02 PM
This is not a remedy for groundhogs but does work for yellow jackets that nest in the ground and no fire involved. Wait till dusk so they all are in the nest in the hole in the ground and fill a long neck beer bottle full of gas and quickly turn it upside down while plugging the hole with the bottle so the gas and fumes fill the hole blocking the exit. The next am you will have a hole full of dead yellow jackets.

BD
That’s the way to it. By waiting til dark you get the whole colony. We’ve even poured it down a ten foot section of PVC pipe right in their access hole with very good results also.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on October 23, 2019, 01:34:07 PM
The first hole I found was cutting grass so I left the push mower parked over the hole in hopes it would make mulch of all of them but no luck. The mower finally ran out of gas but the swarm was still attacking it for hours later. It did have a few dead ones on the mower deck but only 1 or 2 % at best. LOL. Out came the bottle and gas and I use that method since if done properly it insures no chance of getting stung.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 24, 2019, 05:34:52 AM
Wondering Thoughts

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Wasn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on October 24, 2019, 08:31:46 AM
Good one Mike!   Even if it might be a little too close to home... (chuckle/heavy sigh)

Never thought I would get this old or I would have taken much better care of myself.

No, I am not even close to 80.   Well, if I was still 20, I might really believe that.  (chuckle)

Time is relative and time flies.

Lol....being in my 60s is pretty lame as far as I am concerned!

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a store that offers senior discounts on tuesdays. When she rang up my bill,  I asked to make sure she had given me the discount (she hadn't), then I chuckled and told her that the senior discounts were the only fun thing about getting older...that the rest of it sucked. Haha! She got a huge laugh from that!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 24, 2019, 10:38:02 AM
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 24, 2019, 11:45:25 AM
Good one Mike!   Even if it might be a little too close to home... (chuckle/heavy sigh)

Never thought I would get this old or I would have taken much better care of myself.

No, I am not even close to 80.   Well, if I was still 20, I might really believe that.  (chuckle)

Time is relative and time flies.

Lol....being in my 60s is pretty lame as far as I am concerned!

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a store that offers senior discounts on tuesdays. When she rang up my bill,  I asked to make sure she had given me the discount (she hadn't), then I chuckled and told her that the senior discounts were the only fun thing about getting older...that the rest of it sucked. Haha! She got a huge laugh from that!

I am pretty sure that places that "offer" the discount but don't give it until the senior remembers to ask are way ahead of the game!  ::) I have been told "Oh we don't give it unless asked so we won't offend anyone." I am not flattered when they don't give it to me anymore. My gray beard and loose skin on the back of my hands should help them to realize that I shouldn't be offended! I think the appearance of the hands is a great way to guess age fairly close for most people.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on October 24, 2019, 12:14:02 PM
Although I have been told I wear my age well. LOL I get offended if they do not offer the discount. I guess when we get this old its not as easy to offend at least for me anyway. Come with a grey beard and slow limping gate it should be a no brainer. ??? ???

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 24, 2019, 04:18:17 PM
Although I have been told I wear my age well. LOL I get offended if they do not offer the discount. I guess when we get this old its not as easy to offend at least for me anyway. Come with a grey beard and slow limping gate it should be a no brainer. ??? ???

BD

When clean shaven I am told I look 10-15 years younger. I am not one for trying to look young or deceive anyone. I think/feel I have earned the right to look my age. I don't understand those that do, unless it is tied to their income to do so. I am not talking about keeping "fit" just things like wrinkles and graying hair, I just let it happen as it happens. I had to shave every day for all my work life and now I don't have to. When I was 21 I was off work for about 7 months and grew a beard and it was very red tinted, which was a bit of a surprise even though there are red heads in my family tree (I had one red headed grandpa), I don't have red hair on any other part of my body. Now all these years later mostly gray and with some shades of brown, not really any red that I can see, weird, but should get me the senior discount without asking. My dad had black hair when he was younger and was totally gray before he hit 50. Even though dad was gray then just judging by his physique he appeared to be in his mid to late 20's. On his 85th birthday he did 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and was bicycling an hour every night.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on October 25, 2019, 01:49:25 AM
Although I have been told I wear my age well. LOL I get offended if they do not offer the discount. I guess when we get this old its not as easy to offend at least for me anyway. Come with a grey beard and slow limping gate it should be a no brainer. ??? ???

BD

When clean shaven I am told I look 10-15 years younger. I am not one for trying to look young or deceive anyone. I think/feel I have earned the right to look my age. I don't understand those that do, unless it is tied to their income to do so. I am not talking about keeping "fit" just things like wrinkles and graying hair, I just let it happen as it happens. I had to shave every day for all my work life and now I don't have to. When I was 21 I was off work for about 7 months and grew a beard and it was very red tinted, which was a bit of a surprise even though there are red heads in my family tree (I had one red headed grandpa), I don't have red hair on any other part of my body. Now all these years later mostly gray and with some shades of brown, not really any red that I can see, weird, but should get me the senior discount without asking. My dad had black hair when he was younger and was totally gray before he hit 50. Even though dad was gray then just judging by his physique he appeared to be in his mid to late 20's. On his 85th birthday he did 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and was bicycling an hour every night.

My career never required me to be clean shaven or even well groomed, after an hour working on cars covered in road grime and oil my clothes had stains all over them so my long hair and un kept beard were never noticed. I also did not interact with the public much if at all so again appearance was not the qualification required for the job. When I got the job a Harley as a durability research mechanic I had hair down to my butt when braided and unshaven beard and I was one of the better groomed employees. I  am sure you know Harley bikers are seldom concerned about good looks and proper attire for a white collar world. In my younger years I was a red beard and light brown hair, still have the long light brown hair with some grey at the temples and full white beard. Some days I feel young but most days I feel well worn and put up wet.  ;D ;D :o

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 25, 2019, 02:55:15 PM
Nair For Hair

A young lady noticed that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The Vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms!"

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either! If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer!"

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on October 25, 2019, 03:37:16 PM
Although I have been told I wear my age well. LOL I get offended if they do not offer the discount. I guess when we get this old its not as easy to offend at least for me anyway. Come with a grey beard and slow limping gate it should be a no brainer. ??? ???

BD

When clean shaven I am told I look 10-15 years younger. I am not one for trying to look young or deceive anyone. I think/feel I have earned the right to look my age. I don't understand those that do, unless it is tied to their income to do so. I am not talking about keeping "fit" just things like wrinkles and graying hair, I just let it happen as it happens. I had to shave every day for all my work life and now I don't have to. When I was 21 I was off work for about 7 months and grew a beard and it was very red tinted, which was a bit of a surprise even though there are red heads in my family tree (I had one red headed grandpa), I don't have red hair on any other part of my body. Now all these years later mostly gray and with some shades of brown, not really any red that I can see, weird, but should get me the senior discount without asking. My dad had black hair when he was younger and was totally gray before he hit 50. Even though dad was gray then just judging by his physique he appeared to be in his mid to late 20's. On his 85th birthday he did 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and was bicycling an hour every night.

My career never required me to be clean shaven or even well groomed, after an hour working on cars covered in road grime and oil my clothes had stains all over them so my long hair and un kept beard were never noticed. I also did not interact with the public much if at all so again appearance was not the qualification required for the job. When I got the job a Harley as a durability research mechanic I had hair down to my butt when braided and unshaven beard and I was one of the better groomed employees. I  am sure you know Harley bikers are seldom concerned about good looks and proper attire for a white collar world. In my younger years I was a red beard and light brown hair, still have the long light brown hair with some grey at the temples and full white beard. Some days I feel young but most days I feel well worn and put up wet.  ;D ;D :o

BD
Betty Lou and Rambo accept me the way I am.... I really don't care what anyone else thinks... it's none of my business.
I shower daily, wear slacks, a collared shirt, deodorant and  brush my hair and teeth for work.... which is more than I can say for some others. I don't hide my tattoos and I like my Converse tennis shoes or Doc Martins. I wear pants that fit and, while at work, the bill of my hat is in the front. At home and play it may be in the back but never, ever cocked to one side.
I don't wear a ring, a watch a necklace or piercings. My hair and beard are not grey. They are chrome and that's all the bling you're gonna find on me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on October 25, 2019, 03:44:30 PM
Although I have been told I wear my age well. LOL I get offended if they do not offer the discount. I guess when we get this old its not as easy to offend at least for me anyway. Come with a grey beard and slow limping gate it should be a no brainer. ??? ???

BD

When clean shaven I am told I look 10-15 years younger. I am not one for trying to look young or deceive anyone. I think/feel I have earned the right to look my age. I don't understand those that do, unless it is tied to their income to do so. I am not talking about keeping "fit" just things like wrinkles and graying hair, I just let it happen as it happens. I had to shave every day for all my work life and now I don't have to. When I was 21 I was off work for about 7 months and grew a beard and it was very red tinted, which was a bit of a surprise even though there are red heads in my family tree (I had one red headed grandpa), I don't have red hair on any other part of my body. Now all these years later mostly gray and with some shades of brown, not really any red that I can see, weird, but should get me the senior discount without asking. My dad had black hair when he was younger and was totally gray before he hit 50. Even though dad was gray then just judging by his physique he appeared to be in his mid to late 20's. On his 85th birthday he did 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and was bicycling an hour every night.

My career never required me to be clean shaven or even well groomed, after an hour working on cars covered in road grime and oil my clothes had stains all over them so my long hair and un kept beard were never noticed. I also did not interact with the public much if at all so again appearance was not the qualification required for the job. When I got the job a Harley as a durability research mechanic I had hair down to my butt when braided and unshaven beard and I was one of the better groomed employees. I  am sure you know Harley bikers are seldom concerned about good looks and proper attire for a white collar world. In my younger years I was a red beard and light brown hair, still have the long light brown hair with some grey at the temples and full white beard. Some days I feel young but most days I feel well worn and put up wet.  ;D ;D :o

BD
Betty Lou and Rambo accept me the way I am.... I really don't care what anyone else thinks... it's none of my business.
I shower daily, wear slacks, a collared shirt, deodorant and  brush my hair and teeth for work.... which is more than I can say for some others. I don't hide my tattoos and I like my Converse tennis shoes or Doc Martins. I wear pants that fit and, while at work, the bill of my hat is in the front. At home and play it may be in the back but never, ever cocked to one side.
I don't wear a ring, a watch a necklace or piercings. My hair and beard are not grey. They are chrome and that's all the bling you're gonna find on me.

Couldn't have said it better Bill, I totally agree although no tats and never ever wear a hat sideways as well. Do wear a necklace now that I do not work anymore but when in the garage working on bikes or machinery its on my dresser. Seen up close what a ring or necklace can do when caught in something spinning or shorted out on electrical items. Still got all my digits and intend to keep them.

I just got chrome lowers no uppers yet. ;D ;D ;)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 25, 2019, 04:12:32 PM
I don't care what others think of my appearance. I feel better in a flat top.
 And yes I have hair down to the small of my back in the '70 -'80s

Back on topic..
 A women takes her male Great Dane to the Vet and says every time she bends over the dog tries to mount her.
 The Veteranarian  tells her he can cure that by neutering him.
 The woman exclaimed NO!
Just trim his nails and brush his teeth!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 25, 2019, 04:51:55 PM
Good one Scott. Sounds like a true dog lover. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on October 25, 2019, 05:26:45 PM
I don't care what others think of my appearance. I feel better in a flat top.
 And yes I have hair down to the small of my back in the '70 -'80s

Back on topic..
 A women takes her male Great Dane to the Vet and says every time she bends over the dog tries to mount her.
 The Veteranarian  tells her he can cure that by neutering him.
 The woman exclaimed NO!
Just trim his nails and brush his teeth!

Hmmm  Oh never mind. Mines in the gutter.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 25, 2019, 05:48:01 PM
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 25, 2019, 09:25:42 PM
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  ;D

(https://images3.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED473/5cbd73fe64932.jpeg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on October 25, 2019, 09:35:51 PM
I don't care what others think of my appearance. I feel better in a flat top.
 And yes I have hair down to the small of my back in the '70 -'80s

Back on topic..
 A women takes her male Great Dane to the Vet and says every time she bends over the dog tries to mount her.
 The Veteranarian  tells her he can cure that by neutering him.
 The woman exclaimed NO!
Just trim his nails and brush his teeth!



BD

Dan, not just that your mind is in the gutter. That joke is definitely in the gutter. I like it, funny!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 26, 2019, 06:37:15 AM
You Might Be A Redneck If.....

1. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

2. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

3. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

3. You have a relative living in your garage.

5. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

6. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

7. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

8. None of the tires on your van are the same size.

9. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

10. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

11. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

12. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

13. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

14. You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

15. Starting your car involves popping the hood.

16. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

17. You whistle at women in church.

18. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

19. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

20. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 26, 2019, 11:18:40 AM
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe,
not realizing that it had recently come out of the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act
as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me
long to look at a horseshoe."


------------------------------------

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'


One summer evening, a 3-year-old came in while his parents were setting the
table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother
said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying 'no'."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 26, 2019, 07:43:02 PM
Turkey Hunting

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on October 26, 2019, 07:54:15 PM
Turkey Hunting

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"



Lololol.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 27, 2019, 03:54:34 PM
Didn’t Know, but may be so

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do
watching television

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by
eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first "MarlboroMan."

Pearls melt in vinegar.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the
flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second?
William Jefferson Clinton.

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 27, 2019, 04:38:36 PM
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
But what about if it says "AFLAC"?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 28, 2019, 04:55:42 AM
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
But what about if it says "AFLAC"?
(https://i.pinimg.com/736x/89/1f/9e/891f9ee33524dcff9fdda13d55eb4e41.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on October 28, 2019, 12:27:31 PM
Hard at work.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 28, 2019, 01:27:48 PM
Bank Policy

A few years back there was this true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 29, 2019, 09:52:17 AM
A lot here, hope you find some you like--

Halloween Q&A: These are from Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.

Whom did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

How can you send mail to skeletons?
Bony Express
(Stan Kegel)

Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?
She wasn't his blood type.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
(Gary Hallock)

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.

How did the ghost repair his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
(Gary Hallock)

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?
A washin' werewolf.

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

Whom did the zombie invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle.
(Norman Gilbert)

Why did the vampire joined the police force?
So he could learn the correct way to get a stakeout.
(Gary Hallock)

Why did the skeleton go to hospital?
To have his ghoul stones removed.

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.

What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings?
Lazy bones

What do boney people use to get into their homes?
Skeleton keys

What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish?
It came back with a skeleton crew.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.

Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
They knew he wouldn't show up.
(Gary Hallock)

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
(Clynch Varnadore)

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.

Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
(Lederer & Entner)

How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
He kept his monster in stitches.
(Gary Hallock)

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps.
(Gary Hallock)

If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
At a store where they retail spirits.
(Stan Kegel)

Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get a head in life.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"

What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home?
A grave problem.

Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away.
(Gary Hallock)

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
He wants to use them later for cold cuts.

How do ghosts begin letters?
"Tomb it may concern."

What is the best place for a haunted house?
On a dead end street.

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."

What does Dracula get when he doesn't brush his teeth
Bat breath

What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
Wrap!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
(Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)

After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back
from the drugstore?
Prints of darkness
(Gary Hallock)

What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
"I'd like to get to gnaw you."

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building

What can you say about the likeableness of a ghoul?
Zombie nice, Zombie not so nice.
(Gary Hallock)

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream
(Clynch Varnadore)

What kind of car do the German scientists who clone sheep drive?
Vee Double Ewe
(Gary Hallock)

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a-goblin.
(Clynch Varnadore)

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray
(Clynch Varnadore)

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a.

What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
A terror wrist.

Who is the witches favorite singer?
Robert Ghoulet
(Stan Kegel)

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 30, 2019, 12:54:59 AM
Poweful Stuff

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest
came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it
on a cat's @@@ and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 30, 2019, 01:13:27 AM
Poweful Stuff

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest
came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it
on a cat's @@@ and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

Must have been an AMF Harley!  (chuckle)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harley-Davidson#Tarnished_reputation (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harley-Davidson#Tarnished_reputation)

I am not a fan of Harley's even today.   

Probably mostly due to the propensity of Harley owners to remove the stock muffler baffles and make them obnoxiously LOUD!

I'd rather have a Goldwing. (grin)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on October 30, 2019, 01:40:33 AM
Loud pipes save lives.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 30, 2019, 01:47:28 AM
Loud pipes save lives.

BD


BS.  I've heard that moronic saying, the "cone of safety" hog wash.

That "cone of safety" is LOUDEST after you have passed.

So, BS!   All you are doing is ^*%$#@ off everyone in your vicinity.

Have more respect for people who don't want to hear your LOUD PIPES!

Almost as bad as the sub-woofers some people use that can be "felt" for over a half mile away!!!

OK, I said all I have to say about that.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on October 30, 2019, 05:37:57 AM
Loud pipes save lives.

BD


BS.  I've heard that moronic saying, the "cone of safety" hog wash.

That "cone of safety" is LOUDEST after you have passed.

So, BS!   All you are doing is ^*%$#@ off everyone in your vicinity.

Have more respect for people who don't want to hear your LOUD PIPES!

Almost as bad as the sub-woofers some people use that can be "felt" for over a half mile away!!!

OK, I said all I have to say about that.

I knew that statement would get someone's ayre up. I can say from first hand experience that it is not BS since it has saved my life several times over the course of 50 years on two wheels. Just ask the cage drivers that have huge dents in their doors from my riding boots. They have has saved my life from as far back as 1972 when I first started riding street legal dirt bikes and the non observant cage drivers would move over into my lane. A rev of the engine in sync with a boot to the door gets their attention immediately. I ride defensively aggressive in order to protect my self and my position on the roadways.

BD 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on October 30, 2019, 07:31:52 AM
Loud pipes save lives.

BD


BS.  I've heard that moronic saying, the "cone of safety" hog wash.

That "cone of safety" is LOUDEST after you have passed.

So, BS!   All you are doing is ^*%$#@ off everyone in your vicinity.

Have more respect for people who don't want to hear your LOUD PIPES!

Almost as bad as the sub-woofers some people use that can be "felt" for over a half mile away!!!

OK, I said all I have to say about that.

I knew that statement would get someone's ayre up. I can say from first hand experience that it is not BS since it has saved my life several times over the course of 50 years on two wheels. Just ask the cage drivers that have huge dents in their doors from my riding boots. They have has saved my life from as far back as 1972 when I first started riding street legal dirt bikes and the non observant cage drivers would move over into my lane. A rev of the engine in sync with a boot to the door gets their attention immediately. I ride defensively aggressive in order to protect my self and my position on the roadways.

BD
Sorry, it is still BS.  And your reply proves it.   I put 66,000 miles on a Goldwing in 2 years.  It was quiet and I never had to put a boot into a door.

One thing I did learn from riding all those miles is you have to learn to be a defensive driver on a bike.   That is not saying you should be an offensive driver.

Defensively aggressive is the same as saying you are an offensive driver.   If your bike is so loud it is obnoxious, you have a problem.


I call them as I see/hear them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on October 30, 2019, 08:06:19 AM
This has gone from a "Got Jokes" thread to an argument real fast over a joke about turpentine.   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on October 30, 2019, 01:28:18 PM
This has gone from a "Got Jokes" thread to an argument real fast over a joke about turpentine.   ::)
And that, in it's self, is almost laughable..... almost.
It seems that virtually all arguments in this forum stem from topics having nothing to do with airguns.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 30, 2019, 01:38:06 PM
Probably because that is one thing we can all agree on.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 30, 2019, 03:28:19 PM
I promise to post no more turpentine jokes. lol    I do pray that all motorist respect other drivers, exhibit patience, focus, and drive defensively. It might sound cliche but all of these do make a difference and no matter what you drive there is always room to take them along.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 30, 2019, 04:30:12 PM
A little boy walks up to his dad and starts wiggling and squirming.
His dad asks him what he's doing and the boy tells him to guess what I'm doing so he starts guessing.
Are you dancing ? No ! ants in your pants ? No ! Are you pretending to he a worm ? No ! A snake ? No !, are you pretending to be a fire ? No
Frustrated the dad declares I give up, you're driving me crazy ! And the boy says hey you finally guessed it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on October 30, 2019, 11:15:09 PM
A lot here, hope you find some you like--

Halloween Q&A: These are from Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.

Whom did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

How can you send mail to skeletons?
Bony Express
(Stan Kegel)

Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?
She wasn't his blood type.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
(Gary Hallock)

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.

How did the ghost repair his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
(Gary Hallock)

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?
A washin' werewolf.

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

Whom did the zombie invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle.
(Norman Gilbert)

Why did the vampire joined the police force?
So he could learn the correct way to get a stakeout.
(Gary Hallock)

Why did the skeleton go to hospital?
To have his ghoul stones removed.

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.

What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings?
Lazy bones

What do boney people use to get into their homes?
Skeleton keys

What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish?
It came back with a skeleton crew.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.

Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
They knew he wouldn't show up.
(Gary Hallock)

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
(Clynch Varnadore)

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.

Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
(Lederer & Entner)

How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
He kept his monster in stitches.
(Gary Hallock)

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
(Clynch Varnadore)

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps.
(Gary Hallock)

If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
At a store where they retail spirits.
(Stan Kegel)

Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get a head in life.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"

What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his home?
A grave problem.

Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Their bats flew away.
(Gary Hallock)

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
He wants to use them later for cold cuts.

How do ghosts begin letters?
"Tomb it may concern."

What is the best place for a haunted house?
On a dead end street.

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."

What does Dracula get when he doesn't brush his teeth
Bat breath

What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
Wrap!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
(Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)

After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back
from the drugstore?
Prints of darkness
(Gary Hallock)

What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
"I'd like to get to gnaw you."

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building

What can you say about the likeableness of a ghoul?
Zombie nice, Zombie not so nice.
(Gary Hallock)

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream
(Clynch Varnadore)

What kind of car do the German scientists who clone sheep drive?
Vee Double Ewe
(Gary Hallock)

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a-goblin.
(Clynch Varnadore)

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray
(Clynch Varnadore)

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a.

What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
A terror wrist.

Who is the witches favorite singer?
Robert Ghoulet
(Stan Kegel)

Gary

The most romantic pair of dead lovers: Romeo & Ghouliet  ;D..
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 31, 2019, 01:36:33 AM
What do you get when you take the insides out of a hot-dog?

A Hollow weenie
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on October 31, 2019, 09:53:21 AM
From the turpentine joke:
Quote
...the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water

OK.  Where can you obtain Holy Water?

You take ordinary tap water, and then boil the  h e ll  out of it  :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on October 31, 2019, 10:02:29 AM
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up...

Another old man went to the doctor. 

The doctor asked,"what seems to be the problem?"

The old man said, "I can't pee anymore."

The doctor said, "how old are you?"

The old man replied, "I am 90 years old."

The doctor hesitated for a few seconds, then said; "I think you have peed enough".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 31, 2019, 11:49:02 AM
One Day.....

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
 "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you gonna do? Point to you watch and say TIME'S UP?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on October 31, 2019, 08:27:28 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/74277561_1070751173269468_3005483578185220096_n.png?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQmO0ejAf-YIW8GYjwYIlvvdpK1U06o-RcIW75oTi7y_cTzrwGJD0evFeQZKvO5Yz4rRHJn7oJhuMODHzNZAYFh8&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=b14899b41be06e01a4c817c5b5369b7b&oe=5E5BB7F9)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on October 31, 2019, 08:49:41 PM
Where can you obtain Holy Water?

You take ordinary tap water, and then boil the  h e ll  out of it  :)



That literally made me spit up my drink.

"yaymen" "amen" "befriend" or whatever is acceptable these.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on October 31, 2019, 10:40:35 PM
My wife and I decided we don't want any kids...

We plan on telling them at dinner!   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on November 01, 2019, 07:17:57 AM
One Day.....

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
 "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you gonna do? Point to you watch and say TIME'S UP?"

Hahahahaha! Good one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 01, 2019, 11:22:20 AM
Thank you Lizzie.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 03, 2019, 05:38:05 AM
Cows and Bulls

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked a bit further and a third pen had a bull with a sign
saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one!"
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."                                                                                                                                                                               
We are pleased to report that the husband's condition has now been upgraded from critical to stable. and he is expected to make a full recovery from his injuries.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on November 03, 2019, 05:41:41 AM
Cows and Bulls

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked a bit further and a third pen had a bull with a sign
saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one!"
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."                                                                                                                                                                               
We are pleased to report that the husband's condition has now been upgraded from critical to stable. and he is expected to make a full recovery from his injuries.

Yes, I have fully recovered and am divorced and happy!  (chuckle)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 03, 2019, 10:22:54 AM
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me
to find one now.

***************************************************************
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the
department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply:

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by
age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 03, 2019, 02:33:44 PM
Good ones Gary.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 03, 2019, 04:51:52 PM
Oh my gosh... I work there!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 04, 2019, 06:19:22 AM
Missing Hinge

Mr. and Mrs Boudreaux were painting their camp..... When finished
he notice dat the misses had miss placed one of the hinges fer
the bedroom door......... Boudreaux gave her tree dollars and sent
her to Thibodeaux's Hardware down da bayou..... When she walked in...... There was a prutty Vase on the top shelf....... Thibodeaux came over and took it down fer her..... she looked on the bottom of it and saw a $100.00 tag on it.... well she almost fainted........... she handed it back and said dat Boudreaux had sent her in to get a hinge fer the door....... Okay said Thibodeaux ,I have some in the back..... I'll be right back....... A short time later..... Thibodeaux howlerd from the back and said... Hey Mrs Boudreaux , you want a screw fer that hinge....... She saw NO !!!!! , But I will......
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GreyBeard1851 on November 04, 2019, 12:47:12 PM
Loud pipes save lives.

BD


BS.  I've heard that moronic saying, the "cone of safety" hog wash.

That "cone of safety" is LOUDEST after you have passed.

So, BS!   All you are doing is ^*%$#@ off everyone in your vicinity.

Have more respect for people who don't want to hear your LOUD PIPES!

Almost as bad as the sub-woofers some people use that can be "felt" for over a half mile away!!!

OK, I said all I have to say about that.

I knew that statement would get someone's ayre up. I can say from first hand experience that it is not BS since it has saved my life several times over the course of 50 years on two wheels. Just ask the cage drivers that have huge dents in their doors from my riding boots. They have has saved my life from as far back as 1972 when I first started riding street legal dirt bikes and the non observant cage drivers would move over into my lane. A rev of the engine in sync with a boot to the door gets their attention immediately. I ride defensively aggressive in order to protect my self and my position on the roadways.

BD
Sorry, it is still BS.  And your reply proves it.   I put 66,000 miles on a Goldwing in 2 years.  It was quiet and I never had to put a boot into a door.

One thing I did learn from riding all those miles is you have to learn to be a defensive driver on a bike.   That is not saying you should be an offensive driver.

Defensively aggressive is the same as saying you are an offensive driver.   If your bike is so loud it is obnoxious, you have a problem.


I call them as I see/hear them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 04, 2019, 01:49:07 PM
Probably should let that slide but...
"Nobody" is pretty broad term.

(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcQhH0XBB0IFs6fIW251-zhjbCZHsZUFER3edc-PvUz5vUxXD8xB)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 05, 2019, 03:51:14 AM
He’ll Be Surprised

MAN: "Sure. Go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the New 2020 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000."

MAN: "Okay. But for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later. I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other
men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 07, 2019, 08:51:25 AM
The Ten Commandments of Marriage

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story.

A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife
was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on November 10, 2019, 09:32:55 AM
   A lady went to her pastor because she wanted a divorce from her husband.
During counseling he asked her, “Do you have any grounds?”
She said, “Yeah, three acres outside of town. You've been there preacher!”
“No” he said, “I mean, do you have a grudge?”
She thought a minute and said, “No, we have a carport!”
Trying a different tactic, he said. “No, like, does your husband beat you up?”
She said, “No, I get up at 6, an hour before him!”
The preacher said, “What I am asking is, do you have a case?”
Without missing a beat, she said, “Nope, we've got a John Deere!”
Finally, in exasperation the preacher said, “Ma'am, what I'm trying to ask you is this; are you and your husband having any troubles?”
She said, “Oh yes, preacher. We're having lots of troubles”.
“Like what,” asked the preacher?

“Well” said the wife, “the problem is my husband. He just can't communicate.”)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 10, 2019, 10:15:42 AM
Dan, that so reminds me of a true happening a few years back:
The group I was working with was planning a party.  One of the male members volunteered his home as the party site.  As the party date neared, he printed out some directions on how to get to his place.  In the directions, he wrote that we should turn right when we got to the White tractor.  One of the ladies called about 30 minutes after the party started and stated that she could not find his house.  She said that she saw only one tractor, and it was green (a John Deere).  Please click the link below to see what a White tractor looks like.
https://www.google.com/search?q=White+tractor&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjKq4bZ6d_lAhWoUt8KHRh2C28Q_AUIEigB&biw=1600&bih=719#imgrc=4bGeAerbCu2ehM: (https://www.google.com/search?q=White+tractor&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjKq4bZ6d_lAhWoUt8KHRh2C28Q_AUIEigB&biw=1600&bih=719#imgrc=4bGeAerbCu2ehM:)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 10, 2019, 10:39:22 AM
Dad had a White but it was grey... Grand Dad Had an Allis Chalmers and it was orange.
 ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on November 10, 2019, 07:04:10 PM
Dad had a White but it was grey...

Reminds me of a punchline to a joke about two kids talking about cars:

"My father's car is exactly like this one; except his is green and Peugeot."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 11, 2019, 08:15:24 PM
You Want To Be A Teacher?

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
teaching prospect said:

"Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill
their every waking moment with a love for learning." And I'm
supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify
their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and
even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction,
and raise their self-esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship,
sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote,
how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write
letters of recommendation for student employment and
scholarships, encourage respect for their elders and future
employers.

And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter, and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a
few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting
salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this, and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: kbstingwing on November 13, 2019, 10:01:55 PM
"Your Mama is so Fat"..... "Her Clothes are measured in Latitude and Longitude".............. :o :o :o 8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: kbstingwing on November 13, 2019, 10:07:07 PM
"Your Mama's so Fat"....... "If she falls down, she'll cause another Global Extinction"...... :o :o 8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on November 14, 2019, 01:04:37 AM
"Your Mama's so Fat"....... "If she falls down, she'll cause another Global Extinction"...... :o :o 8)




Hehe heh he. You said fat :)


"Yo momma so fat... shes uhm... fat"







Today was a joke not worth repeating.








Bartender:  Look, I told you kids!  You have no I.D.'s, you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!

Butt-head:  Uhh… so how about one for the road?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 14, 2019, 06:11:37 AM
Fall Preventative

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 16, 2019, 10:18:58 AM
Dinner with Benefits

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . "





She says :
















"You just happened to catch my eye. "
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 16, 2019, 10:37:42 AM
NICE!!!

I'da swore the punch line was going to be...
"I'll keep an eye out for ya."

But that's a different joke.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 16, 2019, 11:15:33 AM
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?”, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, “Good – She’s pregnant.”

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 16, 2019, 11:32:00 AM
A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment.
He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of
its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I told him to bring the
animal over.

When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man
stood by, anxiously waiting the vet's opinion. At last the doctor turned to
him and asked, "Do you have any children?"

"Oh my gosh, is it contagious?" the man gasped.

"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 16, 2019, 08:27:09 PM
No Fooling the Flies

An Old North Dakota farmer got pulled over by a N. Dakota State trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing it, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are Ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well, yeah, if
that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the old N. Dakota farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's @ss?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's @ss."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 16, 2019, 09:50:18 PM
Now, that is a good one Mike!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 18, 2019, 05:55:43 PM
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on November 18, 2019, 06:03:58 PM
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


i'm still laughing at this !
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on November 18, 2019, 07:53:10 PM
Now, that is a good one Mike!

Seconded!

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 19, 2019, 09:40:18 AM
My 5-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have
to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus
eight?"

"Five." answered the nephew.

"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."


------------------------------------

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on November 19, 2019, 10:51:35 AM
My 5-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have
to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus
eight?"

"Five." answered the nephew.

"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."


------------------------------------

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

Gary

Funny
When I use to golf at a course out in the hills all around was so rough and thick weeds, if you went off course it was a lost ball. I always joked about just counting my lost golf balls because the score was about the same, just a little better.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 19, 2019, 11:23:45 AM
A teacher noticed that little Johnny at the back of the class was squirming around, pulling at his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find our what was going on.

Little Johnny was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had a minor surgery on his willy over the weekend and was quite itchy now.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to call his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did that and returned to the class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find Johnny sitting at his desk with his pants down.

“I thought I told you to call your mom!” she said.

“I did” replied Johnny hesitantly, “and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she’d come and pick me up from school.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on November 19, 2019, 12:15:23 PM
For some reason, I suddenly remembered this joke :

(https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/p~IAAOSwDyxbhrYV/s-l1600.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 20, 2019, 05:53:39 PM
One Wish

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an on coming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on November 20, 2019, 06:32:02 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/76688999_3038164596213304_3693565380845895680_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_ohc=n4Xn7EJT5xQAQlvfyIL6vT9DCTfL7Awzmkr6ns5VwVe7k957L8yTg0y5Q&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=d7ec8b6450ffe370dcfa30ae7e3433e2&oe=5E457D33)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 20, 2019, 09:02:16 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/76688999_3038164596213304_3693565380845895680_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_ohc=n4Xn7EJT5xQAQlvfyIL6vT9DCTfL7Awzmkr6ns5VwVe7k957L8yTg0y5Q&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=d7ec8b6450ffe370dcfa30ae7e3433e2&oe=5E457D33)
Hahaha. That reminds me of the first time my cousins husband took her deer hunting.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 21, 2019, 10:03:29 AM
Don’t forget to turn your scales back 15 lb Wed night for Thanksgiving.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 21, 2019, 10:24:42 AM
Don’t forget to turn your scales back 15 lb Wed night for Thanksgiving.
Gary I’m glad you reminded me, somebody set mine ahead 25lbs. last spring. lol
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 21, 2019, 10:26:48 AM
It’s the Thought that Counts

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a
beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring
priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand .. I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that
everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank
tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very irate jeweler phones the man.

"You lied; there's no money in that account."

"I know, but what a fantastic weekend I had!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on November 21, 2019, 09:58:32 PM
Yep, It's the thought that counts!  That's what I tell my kids every Christmas...  I thought about getting you something!   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 22, 2019, 04:19:43 AM
Good one Paul. It reminds me of what a coworker told me one time. He said “ When he was growing up they were so poor that one time on Christmas Eve their father went outside and fired his shotgun. Then came back in and told them that Santa had committed suicide and there wouldn’t be any presents this year.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 22, 2019, 04:22:15 AM
Are Zoo Kidding Me

A Wild Animal Park acquired a rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, this new female gorilla became
very difficult to handle. The veterinarian determined
that she was in heat. To make matters worse, there
was no male gorilla.

Reflecting on the problem, the administrator thought
of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern,
responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Eddie had little sense, but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species. The administrator
thought they might have a solution. He approached
Eddie with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for $500?

Eddie showed some interest but said he would have to
think about the matter. The next day, Eddie said he
would accept, but only under the following conditions.

"First, I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
The administrator agreed to this condition.

"Second" Eddie said "You must never tell anyone about
this." The administrator again agreed.

"Third, I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

And last Eddie said "You've got to give me another
week to come up with the $500."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 22, 2019, 10:46:44 AM
When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who
would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents' private
conversations.   One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman
asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too.
If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy
we're going to call it quits!"


-----------------------------------------

To err is human, to forgive-highly unlikely.

GaRY
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 22, 2019, 01:05:43 PM
Good one Gary. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on November 22, 2019, 01:48:13 PM
Are Zoo Kidding Me

A Wild Animal Park acquired a rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, this new female gorilla became
very difficult to handle. The veterinarian determined
that she was in heat. To make matters worse, there
was no male gorilla.

Reflecting on the problem, the administrator thought
of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern,
responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Eddie had little sense, but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species. The administrator
thought they might have a solution. He approached
Eddie with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for $500?

Eddie showed some interest but said he would have to
think about the matter. The next day, Eddie said he
would accept, but only under the following conditions.

"First, I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
The administrator agreed to this condition.

"Second" Eddie said "You must never tell anyone about
this." The administrator again agreed.

"Third, I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

And last Eddie said "You've got to give me another
week to come up with the $500."


I KNOW THAT GUY!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 22, 2019, 02:41:57 PM
Too funny Carl. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on November 22, 2019, 09:15:34 PM
my wife hit me with my camo belt.  i never saw it coming. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on November 22, 2019, 11:34:09 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/77149534_3043491219013975_6742254697941303296_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_eui2=AeFzFB6p42rRVL2TE79JupJuN0yuaUoyK_quRXrmU_iurNvOtczH7Gm3aSd8F77nf_j4gdxTXeBrp794xD9LKuih51s0SA2FNGWzo6GY7JEsjg&_nc_ohc=Jbte_9mIQPYAQlAaxER7PZletyGUQ85L2q0ckyN5v-wRrrk-IWIg0TRKA&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=a4a58450c196b52a119f779bd6c71a2f&oe=5E7FC1A7)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on November 23, 2019, 07:21:32 AM
Good Morning, have a great day.

(https://scontent.fewr1-6.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78176143_2226857547606680_5528314927967633408_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ohc=cvYJI2dVTGMAQlVWoaYl72AT74LxwmXVAgEnndi7U_F9HqEqx6EioMkiw&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-6.fna&oh=c1e7d679735f6463645e3395c1ad1a8d&oe=5E4E1012)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on November 23, 2019, 05:11:09 PM

Where do you find a cow with no legs?


Right where you left it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on November 24, 2019, 11:10:32 AM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/76756838_10157650672960070_2800377835871535104_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_eui2=AeHcmrcR3AbGEpov5B7VsZOl5X2Hs0T8GSLHDZWWKaaB19qOoCNJYTTbnLvkSWHPp6H9k7u_NkiHG8av_mRRkRjvvpBLMeWBtS7wpkyp21VjVQ&_nc_ohc=RVCI8mbedJwAQn8utGdmbZyEx9MBdRyEhlKzNgGmPDkD1Rgtl8MzlC8DA&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=c30aaeae1067fc649d88761e0f9a8e34&oe=5E4EC196)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 24, 2019, 08:18:05 PM
What’s Your Name?

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for sex education!!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the
best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 25, 2019, 03:05:28 AM
Just a reminder to keep things clean and within the rules here guys.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 25, 2019, 02:04:53 PM
(http://storage.proboards.com/7095205/thumbnailer/obnGD0ssAlUNtcHNQXBp.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 25, 2019, 05:53:07 PM
OUTSTANDING!!!

I can relate.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 25, 2019, 06:07:19 PM
Asked my Son where my newspaper was the other day.
I got a long speech about how I was behind the times and no one reads the paper now.
Then he gave me his IPad.

The fly didn't stand a chance and I don't think the IPad works any more.

----------

I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.
Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

----------

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.

She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.

----------

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 25, 2019, 08:41:53 PM
Quote
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.

She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.


BWA-HA-HAAA!

Kevin would have got the same response, but that Nun has already been here. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 27, 2019, 08:48:23 AM
A friend surprised me a few days ago with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’.
I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious.
I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

----------

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."

Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"

Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."

Friend, "But you can't die of that!"

Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him."

----------

Dad always told me "as one door closes, another door opens"

He was terrible at making cabinets.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 28, 2019, 04:33:00 AM
Rodney Dangerfield:

I had an uncle that was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on November 28, 2019, 05:30:27 AM
Rodney Dangerfield:

I had an uncle that was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Nobody had a delivery quite like Rodney.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 28, 2019, 06:54:52 AM
One of the greats!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on November 28, 2019, 07:01:23 AM
One of the greats!
Iconic to be sure!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 29, 2019, 06:42:36 PM
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on November 29, 2019, 07:53:02 PM
Here's a good one...

I said I was NOT going to spend ANY money on AG stuff (wants) until I have taken care of my *needs* spending.

LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 29, 2019, 08:03:58 PM
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!

Jeff... I like the rationalization.
Makes perfect sense to me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 29, 2019, 08:18:17 PM
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!

Jeff... I like the rationalization.
Makes perfect sense to me.
That's one reason I don't like Golf.
It would be much better to watch if there was a defending team.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on November 29, 2019, 09:11:20 PM
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!

So does the other guy!   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 29, 2019, 09:16:37 PM
Along those lines...
I am one of the odd ducks my age who doesn't watch football.
 You want my attention? Put them on Go-Karts.
Same rules but on wheels. Passes, TD's, and interceptions would be fun.
Tackles would be awesome.

The players are already wearing helmets... right?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 29, 2019, 09:35:33 PM
I had a Guy in Georgia ask me if I rooted for the Buckeyes.
I told him I'm not a squirrel so I don't root for anything.
I don't think he got it?
FoosBall is the devils invention!
Mama said so!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 29, 2019, 09:56:43 PM
Did he have a mullet?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on November 30, 2019, 12:22:09 AM
If Alabama aint playing I aint watching. Go karts would get me to tune in for sure. Definite gearhead here except for Nascar, its just a glorified demolition derby nowadays..

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on November 30, 2019, 12:25:17 AM
when i was in high school once a year the faculty would play against the basketball team while riding donkeys.  it was amusing to say the least.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on November 30, 2019, 02:41:47 PM
when i was in high school once a year the faculty would play against the basketball team while riding donkeys.  it was amusing to say the least.
Yep, life was harder back then, before we all had cars.  8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on December 02, 2019, 04:57:18 PM
 Thanks for the laughfs :) Now on a more serious note I think I got myself in a bit of a pickle...
(https://scontent-ort2-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/78552226_3260374100701481_1970671221792047104_o.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ohc=YoquIPl6wdoAQm992H5tmwRfCNe0sVUQgDs_fm15lgDWmiB3aBLTDbjlQ&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-2.xx&oh=f382eb92257333465d247eecb4e4676b&oe=5E83AAB3)

 Found this on one of the FB AG forums  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 02, 2019, 05:08:46 PM
Thanks for the laughfs :) Now on a more serious note I think I got myself in a bit of a pickle...
(https://scontent-ort2-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/78552226_3260374100701481_1970671221792047104_o.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ohc=YoquIPl6wdoAQm992H5tmwRfCNe0sVUQgDs_fm15lgDWmiB3aBLTDbjlQ&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-2.xx&oh=f382eb92257333465d247eecb4e4676b&oe=5E83AAB3)

 Found this on one of the FB AG forums  ;)


It needs a tree skirt and then it should be fine.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on December 02, 2019, 05:14:57 PM
Thanks for the laughfs :) Now on a more serious note I think I got myself in a bit of a pickle...
(https://scontent-ort2-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/78552226_3260374100701481_1970671221792047104_o.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ohc=YoquIPl6wdoAQm992H5tmwRfCNe0sVUQgDs_fm15lgDWmiB3aBLTDbjlQ&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-2.xx&oh=f382eb92257333465d247eecb4e4676b&oe=5E83AAB3)

 Found this on one of the FB AG forums  ;)



I don't see a thing wrong with that.  In fact its not much different than the one I have.  I'll drag it down from the garage shelf here soon and plug it up, which is all that's required. :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 02, 2019, 05:39:36 PM
It will make a good target too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on December 02, 2019, 10:41:53 PM
 ;D I see it too, shoot the star out game  8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on December 03, 2019, 01:25:47 AM
I was always told it was the thought that counts not the gift. ;D ;)  If the star spins it could be a fun target also. :P

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 03, 2019, 07:37:48 AM
Aunt Penny

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Penny. Aunt Penny was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the h311 away from Aunt Penny when she's been drinking."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on December 03, 2019, 09:09:17 AM
Me: *trying not to laugh out loud in bathroom stall*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on December 03, 2019, 03:53:30 PM
That indeed was a good one Mike.  :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 03, 2019, 05:31:55 PM
*shared* to co-workers. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 03, 2019, 11:12:47 PM
The Sunday School teacher wanted to know how much the children knew about religion.
"Bubba," she asked, "where does God live?"
"In our bathroom." was the reply.
"Who told you that?" she asked, astonished.
"Nobody, but every morning my daddy pounds on the bathroom door and yells: 'God, are you still in there?'"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 04, 2019, 10:31:34 AM
During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student, who was
quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, the
teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your
side."

"Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing
his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved.

"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class
too."


-------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 04, 2019, 03:53:15 PM
I never called you stupid, but when I asked you spell orange you ask " the color or the fruit?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 04, 2019, 05:15:00 PM
*TRUE STORY*

Three years from now I will be 60.
At 18 a Doctor sat me down and with a stern look said "Son, if you keep up this life style, you won't live to see 25, and I will be looking at your corpse saying 'I told you so'..."
 That Doc has been dead for decades.
Shows what he knew.
 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 04, 2019, 05:20:05 PM
Mr. “Mechanic” Ed

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar "Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the other one, the black horse, don't know a "dang" thing about cars!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 04, 2019, 05:29:56 PM
That reminds me of this one... so here goes.

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage.
The penguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street.
When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 04, 2019, 05:30:17 PM
*TRUE STORY*

Three years from now I will be 60.
At 18 a Doctor sat me down and with a stern look said "Son, if you keep up this life style, you won't live to see 25, and I will be looking at you corpse saying 'I told you so'..."
 That Doc has been dead for decades.
Shows what he knew.
 ;)

When my dad was 17 the doctor told him he had a heart defect and would not live past 35, he is now 87 years old. He did have open heart surgery about 12 years ago. Doctors don't know everything but they can be useful sometimes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 05, 2019, 10:14:10 AM
After the Vows

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 05, 2019, 11:32:18 PM
’Bama Deer Hunt

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Bubba ?" the others asked.

"Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Bubba laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Bubba!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Techie on December 06, 2019, 12:23:55 AM
I had a nightmare that I died, and my wife sold all my guns for the prices I told her I paid for them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on December 06, 2019, 02:15:47 AM
I had a nightmare that I died, and my wife sold all my guns for the prices I told her I paid for them.

Woulda ben a nightmare if she threw them out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 06, 2019, 06:39:57 AM
I had a nightmare that I died, and my wife sold all my guns for the prices I told her I paid for them.
Pretty sure that after I die I won't really even care if she gives them away. May just be a better thought for me to sell them before I die and have fun with the money..... wait, I think I bought them to have fun with the money I spent on them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 06, 2019, 08:55:34 AM
And I am. . . .






No, not dead.  Having fun with the air guns is what I should have said.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on December 06, 2019, 11:56:57 AM
Mine knows what I spent on them but will not remember when its time to sell them. Also having fun with the money spent/spending still.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 07, 2019, 07:17:31 AM
Meanwhile in Texas

A Richardson, Texas policeman had a perfect spot
to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then
he discovered the problem -- a 12 year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign which
read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a
young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
"TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to
just sell lemonade!)


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas.
A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he
sent the police department a picture of $40. The
police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the
TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping
open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police
Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't
have balls." There was a moment of silence while
she smiled and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol
car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 08, 2019, 08:44:13 PM
After my Mother-in-Law passed away we started reading her diary.
I discovered she had weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.
I'm still looking for what kind of fees she was charging him.

----------

I asked the waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Techie on December 09, 2019, 12:53:17 AM
Loved the Aunt Penny joke, and shared it.  Thanks!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on December 09, 2019, 11:36:27 AM
Told to me from a ministers wife.

A small boy was in court and he was being removed from his abusive parents.  Then the judge was going to decide where he would be placed to live.  Fist considered were the grandparents but he found they were also abusive and would beat the child.  Then he considered an aunt and uncle but they were even worse abusers.  So he said that they would break for lunch and asked the little boy if he would think about where he would like to live.  After lunch the little boy was asked where he thought he would like to live. "With the Detroit Lions" was the answer.  This puzzled the judge and he asked why the Detroit Lions.
The boy answered "because they never beat anybody".


(any Lions fans out there?)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 09, 2019, 01:25:17 PM
(http://squirrelhuntingjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Squirrel400.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 09, 2019, 01:26:00 PM
(http://squirrelhuntingjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Im091.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 09, 2019, 01:28:04 PM
(http://squirrelhuntingjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Its608.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 09, 2019, 01:29:07 PM
(http://squirrelhuntingjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Now964.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 09, 2019, 04:25:41 PM
ATTENTION SHOPPERS!

Those of us hovering near 50, over 50, or WAY over 50
are quite confused about how we should dress. We're
unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to be hip.


The following combinations DO NOT go together and thus
should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
13. Thongs and Depends!

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your
mind when you shop.

P.S. In my opinion WalMart makes exceptions for these combos and many, many more to shoppers in their stores. They must be baiting them. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 09, 2019, 07:14:29 PM
Question...
Would you tell her?

(https://i.pinimg.com/600x315/72/ea/36/72ea361dc9432cbfac5f40f6ed229200.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on December 09, 2019, 07:40:48 PM
NOOOOOO!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on December 09, 2019, 08:13:40 PM
I would...


"Hey maam, i just happened to notice you have a juicy buity* and the maggots are loving it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 09, 2019, 08:32:31 PM
"Hey maam, i just happened to notice you have a juicy buity* and the maggots are loving it."
Bwa-Ha-Ha!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 09, 2019, 09:12:39 PM
Boudreaux was at the filling station and saw his friend Thibodeaux.  When he went over to say 'Hello', he noticed that Thibodeaux had two black eyes.
Boudreaux:  Thib, what happened, man?
Thibodeaux:  At church yesterday, I was in the pew in back of Mrs. Sostan Meche.  When she stood, I notices dat her dress was wedged in her crack.  So I pulled it out me.  She turned around and hit me in my eye.
Boudreaux:  Dat explains one black eye.  But what happened to da other eye?
Thibodeaux:  Well, I figgered she wanted her dress in her crack.  So, I tucked it back.  Dats when she hit me in my other eye.





Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 10, 2019, 07:25:42 AM
DIY Fart Fixer

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 10, 2019, 08:25:25 AM
Thought for the day.
(https://scontent.fphl2-4.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73321223_2244607605831674_4743403826353012736_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_ohc=HfKtdWaKfOMAQlnB1UKYSteVZYJIpALoC_WpbQHhuakbQYSDo731P6llA&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-4.fna&oh=0f047190e523a4cc03dae2fb5766024d&oe=5E66E002)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 11, 2019, 11:29:15 AM
Facts of Life.....maybe

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.

20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

21. Wrinkled was not one of the th ings I wanted to be when I grew up.

22. Proscrastinate Now! (I do this well)

23. My dog can lick anyone!

24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
29. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

31. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.

32. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

33. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 12, 2019, 09:45:22 AM
Economically Mum

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's
50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word
was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I
did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out,
but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 12, 2019, 10:51:31 AM
What's the most dangerous part of a car or truck.
The nut that connects the seat to the steering wheel and gas pedal.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 12, 2019, 08:24:59 PM
A guy walks into an auto shop and says, "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA."
The car mechanic thinks for a few seconds then says, "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 12, 2019, 08:34:17 PM
Chicky...You do know your Tesla is electric... right?
 ;D ;) ;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o82C3eOY_A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o82C3eOY_A)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 12, 2019, 08:39:46 PM
^CLASSIC^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on December 12, 2019, 09:45:05 PM
Chicky...You do know your Tesla is electric... right?
 ;D ;) ;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o82C3eOY_A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o82C3eOY_A)


That guy sounds like a squirrel.... "hey check this out greg!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 12, 2019, 10:03:37 PM
You missed the point... turn off the sound and watch it again.
Maybe then you will get it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on December 12, 2019, 10:15:01 PM
You missed the point... turn off the sound and watch it again.
Maybe then you will get it.

Adding gas to an electrical outlet is never a good idea!  LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 12, 2019, 11:27:11 PM
You missed the point... turn off the sound and watch it again.
Maybe then you will get it.

Adding gas to an electrical outlet is never a good idea!  LOL!

But it was almost empty, :P LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 13, 2019, 08:53:25 AM
Chivalry, is DEAD!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 13, 2019, 09:08:09 AM
Chivalry, is DEAD!

There is still some around but dyeing off. To be helpful means they miss the chance for the viral video!  :(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 13, 2019, 09:52:27 AM
Whatever happened to reading the owner's manual before turning the key on? I know, I know, that's to simple but it beats going up in smoke and going out with a blaze of glory! :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 13, 2019, 10:29:30 AM
Didn't anyone tell her it runs (mostly) on coal?
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on December 13, 2019, 10:59:04 AM
Didn't anyone tell her it runs (mostly) on coal?
Gary

Then she would be finding a coal mine to load the trunk up with it for the long trips. Seriously though Tesla's have the same feature as newer gas burners of using the on screen apps to find electric recharge stations just like gas stations.

Again its all in the owners manual. I would also bet that when it gets low on battery level it automatically comes up with local charging stations on the screen, maybe that gas station also had a charging outlet but she was to dense to realize it.

Still funny, maybe she stole it and did not know it was a tesla.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 13, 2019, 12:07:28 PM
Eye Chart

A Polish guy goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

The time comes to take the eye exam, and the clerk shows him the chart with the letters,



"C Z W I X N O S T A C Z".



"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

"Can I read it...?" the Polish guy replies, ..."I know the guy."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on December 13, 2019, 03:18:16 PM
Eye Chart

A Polish guy goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

The time comes to take the eye exam, and the clerk shows him the chart with the letters,



"C Z W I X N O S T A C Z".



"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

"Can I read it...?" the Polish guy replies, ..."I know the guy."

Lol!

A Polish airgun bud of mine when I was still in my native country had a name so hard to pronounce I just call him by his initials  ;D.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 13, 2019, 04:07:05 PM
Yeah, being from Canjun Country, some of those American names are a bit difficult for me to pronounce.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 13, 2019, 05:57:38 PM
OK... going from Memory, let's see if I can clean this up enough to be "Family Friendly".

One spring day a bear out of hibernation, was foraging in the woods and came across a mound of tiny brown balls, the Rabbit who had left the scat there was still close by.
The Bear said out loud to himself "what is this? "
The Rabbit replied "those are smart pills".
 The bear wanting to be smart ate them....
PFFFT "these taste like Poop!"
The rabbit laughed and said "See, you're already getting smart!"
...
Several month pass and the Bear is leaving his Scat logs in the woods and that very same rabbit, after not seeing each other all summer, hops up for a greeting.

"Hey Rabbit" says the bear... "Does Poop stick to your fur?"
Rabbit laughes and say's "Why No!"
The Bear grabs the rabbit and uses him like toilet paper and says "GOOD!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 14, 2019, 12:43:20 AM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on December 14, 2019, 01:07:04 AM
.
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=105224.0;attach=294338;image)
LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 14, 2019, 07:47:25 AM
Lol, good one Dan.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 14, 2019, 09:02:07 AM
Bird Dog

A hunter gets his specially trained bird dog back from the trainer and invites his buddy to go quail hunting with him. He tells his buddy this dog is amazing when he hunts.
They come up on a pile of brush, the dog goes on point and barks 2 times. His buddy asks him why he did that. "It's real simple" he says, "that means there's 2 quail in there". The dog flushes the birds, and sure enough there's 2 of them. His buddy becomes more convinced as the day goes by and the dog is right every time.
As they are heading back in, the dog goes on point again in front of a big brush pile. He runs over to his owner, humps his leg, picks up a stick and shakes his head back and forth. His buddy asks "WTH does that mean?"
"You better get ready, 'cause there's more darn birds in there than you can shake a stick at!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Techie on December 14, 2019, 10:09:42 AM
LOVE the bird dog joke!  I just sent it to two of my bird dog owning friends.  Thanks!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 14, 2019, 11:52:15 AM
A guy was having some terrible headaches.  So he went the doctor.  After a complete exam, the doctor diagnosed "Abnormal Testicular Pressure" which was causing irregular spikes in the blood flow to the affected area.  That in turn was causing spikes in the "Cranial Blood Pressure".  The doctor said that it was a very dangerous situation which could eventually cause a stroke.  Our guy was only 39 years old and didn't want to suffer a stroke at such a young age.  The doctor said:  But don't fret, because there is a simple solution - Castration.  Because the headaches were terrible and getting worse, he went ahead with the surgery.
After he recovered, he felt so good that we decided to buy some new clothes.  When he was at the store trying on clothes for a head to toe makeover, the tailor was measuring him to make sure he got the right size garments.  And when his waist was measured, the taylor said you have a perfect 34" waist.  The guy said but, I want 32" shorts and pants.  I like the way they fit.  The taylor insisted that he should get 34" shorts and pants too.  Our guy came back with a statement that he had been wearing 32" shorts and pants since he was in his teens.  The taylor said:  Sure, 32" was okay then.  But you matured a little since your teens.  And if you try wearing 32" pants and shorts now, it will give you a terrible headache.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on December 14, 2019, 01:06:50 PM
A guy was having some terrible headaches.  So he went the doctor.  After a complete exam, the doctor diagnosed "Abnormal Testicular Pressure" which was causing irregular spikes in the blood flow to the affected area.  That in turn was causing spikes in the "Cranial Blood Pressure".  The doctor said that it was a very dangerous situation which could eventually cause a stroke.  Our guy was only 39 years old and didn't want to suffer a stroke at such a young age.  The doctor said:  But don't fret, because there is a simple solution - Castration.  Because the headaches were terrible and getting worse, he went ahead with the surgery.
After he recovered, he felt so good that we decided to buy some new clothes.  When he was at the store trying on clothes for a head to toe makeover, the tailor was measuring him to make sure he got the right size garments.  And when his waist was measured, the taylor said you have a perfect 34" waist.  The guy said but, I want 32" shorts and pants.  I like the way they fit.  The taylor insisted that he should get 34" shorts and pants too.  Our guy came back with a statement that he had been wearing 32" shorts and pants since he was in his teens.  The taylor said:  Sure, 32" was okay then.  But you matured a little since your teens.  And if you try wearing 32" pants and shorts now, it will give you a terrible headache.

OUCH!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 14, 2019, 01:22:11 PM
maybe this thread has gone too long, jokes are starting to repeat. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bob H. on December 14, 2019, 03:01:45 PM
Great jokes are always retold!  My Dad was living proof and then he wasn't,
BobH.

maybe this thread has gone too long, jokes are starting to repeat.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 14, 2019, 03:11:12 PM
 :D I am not sure it's a joke! I found it with a different caption and made my own.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 14, 2019, 03:27:48 PM
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.

There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

Know why Santa always smiles? He knows where all the naughty girls live!

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas. – I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Two snowmen in a yard, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!"

My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It's $100 on me and $500 on her.

What's red and white, red and white, red and white? Santa rolling off your roof.


(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/34/80/97/348097e12dd7e091277cb2f7e7956c3a.jpg)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on December 14, 2019, 05:50:33 PM
That santa pic just means you need a bigger fire. ;D ;D ???

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 15, 2019, 09:26:44 AM
Great jokes are always retold!  My Dad was living proof and then he wasn't,
BobH.

maybe this thread has gone too long, jokes are starting to repeat.

Yes, the good ones are worth hearing again, and some of us can't remember them anyway!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 15, 2019, 12:44:18 PM
Magic on the High Seas

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were onboard. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...... "OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 16, 2019, 05:46:54 PM
At least the magician ain't gonna go hungry.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 16, 2019, 05:48:26 PM
"tastes like chicken"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 16, 2019, 05:59:16 PM
At least the magician ain't gonna go hungry.

That was my first thought too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 17, 2019, 09:05:08 AM
Life Saver

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits,

short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter

decided on this "all-girls" trip.

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the

Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

--------------------------------------------------------------

 DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the

deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt

honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

----------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with

him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and

champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I

could not be unfaithful to my husband.
--------------------------------------------------------------

 DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at

piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me

several large drinks.

Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.

Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with

me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked..

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
 Today I saved 1600 lives.

 Twice
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on December 17, 2019, 09:28:32 AM
You always have the best jokes Mike.   ;D

Aunt Penny is the best one so far.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on December 17, 2019, 03:18:18 PM
Yes, he does, sir ;D.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 17, 2019, 05:42:31 PM
Aunt Penny

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Penny. Aunt Penny was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the h311 away from Aunt Penny when she's been drinking."

The Aunt Penny joke is a classic!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 17, 2019, 08:25:14 PM
Mike this "Cruise" joke is a close second best to "Aunt Penny"... thought I had heard them all!

BRAVO!

(https://media.giphy.com/media/etmqZvzyywRRS/200.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on December 17, 2019, 08:43:51 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/SQhZZ2L.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on December 17, 2019, 09:01:47 PM
↑↑↑ Especially, if it was slated to be held in winter in Sierra Nevada.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 18, 2019, 07:16:23 AM
I may have posted this a year ago...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 18, 2019, 07:33:09 AM
Women over 50.

(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12321474_1059180427448782_8255988023705775370_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQmmNPzybtT_geR7yUl9cfHec8ygmZCsTsXUEB-jyQo-pK9Ik842GC45-t-DTTLMw7zm4fzFD4RUtYuMD4URz8FY&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=abcd24a257cb4553a86d052b8b393d13&oe=5E702275)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on December 18, 2019, 07:36:08 AM
Women over 50.

(https://scontent.fphl2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12321474_1059180427448782_8255988023705775370_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQmmNPzybtT_geR7yUl9cfHec8ygmZCsTsXUEB-jyQo-pK9Ik842GC45-t-DTTLMw7zm4fzFD4RUtYuMD4URz8FY&_nc_ht=scontent.fphl2-1.fna&oh=abcd24a257cb4553a86d052b8b393d13&oe=5E702275)

Why are you picking on ME?  (chuckle?)

What was the subject?  (silly stupid grin)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 18, 2019, 09:57:57 AM
My wife and I decided that we did not want children.
We're going to tell them after dinner tonight.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 18, 2019, 10:55:03 AM
Ouch! SEC Early Signing Day Humor

Classic rivalry insults

Q: What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.

Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.

Q: How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girl friend ?
A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup

Q: Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: How many Florida freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a sophomore course.

Q: What’s on an LSU banquet menu?
A: Stuffed “Turpossumskunken”.

Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash with the chain gang along the highways the rest of the week.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 18, 2019, 09:33:12 PM
Problem....solvers

A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. The shop couldn't repair it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take the short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on December 19, 2019, 12:58:22 AM
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash with the chain gang along the highways the rest of the week.


Not just Tennessee... LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 19, 2019, 06:22:01 AM
Dangerous Side Effects

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 20, 2019, 04:44:57 PM
You always have the best jokes Mike.   ;D

Aunt Penny is the best one so far.

Thanks Dave. I try to find the ones that make me chuckle, glad to know it brings others a laugh also. Hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on December 20, 2019, 07:36:00 PM
🔔  Thanks Mike. Merry Christmas to you & yours. 🎄
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 21, 2019, 09:02:49 AM
Thoughts.....

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

9. Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

6. Whenever I start feeling blue, I start breathing again.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

And the # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Symptoms of “senior moments” can, and quite often do, occur long before you become a senior.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on December 21, 2019, 10:21:34 AM
Beautiful, Mr. Mike!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 21, 2019, 10:31:16 AM
#8 - I know people like that!
Thanks for the laughs, Mike.      Priceless!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 21, 2019, 10:57:01 AM
I am going to use #12.... Alot!
HAHAHA
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on December 21, 2019, 11:04:32 AM
I do #6 every night.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on December 21, 2019, 11:35:01 AM
My wife is a nutritionists, she got a kick out of 7 & 11!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on December 21, 2019, 12:36:48 PM
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
 
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. 

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,  'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on December 21, 2019, 04:29:47 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/79845652_2796305553788637_8762158824904720384_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ohc=RjNJMaVaUHcAQlgyokt0tJCqrNUiLJlBbmwAV_bSC-d2K3mAuEXaZdeEg&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=d75eb4c5b1d6d210e69b7b731b969dbe&oe=5E6D012B)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on December 21, 2019, 05:59:13 PM
Every time I say that to my SWMBO I get "that" look. ???

But I always get the last word. ;D

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 22, 2019, 07:04:23 AM
A Little Christmas Tree History

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"



....and so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on December 22, 2019, 07:12:35 AM
A Little Christmas Tree History

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"



....and so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

This one reminds me of a cartoon *series* that was on when I was young.   Don't remember the name of it, but I think it was contemporary with Rocky and Bullwinkle and Underdog.  ;) ::) :P :o ;D

Somehow, I *bristle* at the thought of this *joke*.   (chuckle)

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 23, 2019, 05:31:58 AM
Christmas Wish
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I'd rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."



































Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

AND SO DO I!

Okay, now don't you feel silly . . . just where was your mind!

Have a very Merry Christmas.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on December 23, 2019, 11:45:01 PM
I would try to type out this joke, but I am sure I would just mangle it... so:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0IlN4ENKiA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0IlN4ENKiA)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 24, 2019, 12:28:30 PM
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 24, 2019, 01:05:27 PM
ROFL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 24, 2019, 02:02:43 PM
My friend was planning to get a Labrador. Is he mad?!
Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 25, 2019, 05:28:35 AM
Where Is He?

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile
of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian,

"Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah
couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells
. . . . .

"SUPPLIES!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on December 25, 2019, 06:00:31 AM
Where Is He?

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile
of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian,

"Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah
couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells
. . . . .

"SUPPLIES!"


I should have seen this one coming, but I have to admit that I was caught off guard when I read the punch line.   ::) :o ;) ;D


Heard it before, but it has been a long, long time...  (grin)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 25, 2019, 07:05:33 AM
That's GREAT!
 Thanks for the laugh
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 25, 2019, 11:34:18 AM
The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 25, 2019, 10:51:10 PM
Paint Job

A blonde, a brunnette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.

The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blond 4 miles. He told her not to worry, she still had a good lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.

The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well".




Are ya ready for this.....






She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 26, 2019, 10:04:26 PM
Why Dad, Why?

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 27, 2019, 09:48:52 AM
Was playing charades last night and my Cousin suffered a stroke!
Unfortunately it took quite a while to phone an ambulance because we were all shouting
“Sylvester Stallone! Sylvester Stallone!”

----------

I'm so disappointed.
The accident at Chernobyl happened nearly 34 years ago,
And STILL NO SUPERHEROS!
 
----------

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 27, 2019, 10:00:18 AM
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."


ROLF, oh that is so bad.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 27, 2019, 06:51:11 PM
Some Things You Can’t Explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting
drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on December 27, 2019, 07:40:46 PM
Mike, you ain't right!! :D ;D That's FUNNY!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 27, 2019, 08:26:15 PM
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"




I like this one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 27, 2019, 08:35:37 PM
What does Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
Both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons.
----------

Ever notice all portapottys have John Wayne toilet paper?
Rough and tough and don't take poo off of anyone.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 28, 2019, 07:55:37 AM
Senior Situations

Dinner
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's
red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?"
————————————————————————————————————
Pick-up Line

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge.


Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes
a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 29, 2019, 09:41:33 AM
A Sick, Happy, then Sad Golfer.

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he headed to the links. It became an obsession.

One Sunday, he arose to ideal golfing weather. The sun was out, there were no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was perfect.

The preacher was in a quandary. The urge to play golf overcame him. He enlisted an assistant, telling him that he was sick and could not give the service.

He then packed his car up, and drove 100 miles to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God saying, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God agreed.

The preacher took out his driver and teed up on the next hole - a 325 yard par 4. He swung mightily. The ball sailed through the air, straight as an arrow and landed on the green, bounced twice and disappeared into the hole. An amazing feat. A hole-in-one on a par 4.

The angel was a shocked and turned to God and said, "Beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 29, 2019, 10:25:24 AM
 :D ;D
That reminds of this...

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

After a few moments have passed, the man puts his cap back on and returns to his golfing.

“Wow,” his friend utters, “that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 30, 2019, 12:25:28 AM
Picture of God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around
to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl
who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God
looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the
girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 30, 2019, 07:50:22 AM
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

----------

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 30, 2019, 02:54:11 PM
Just Wondering

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 30, 2019, 03:48:31 PM
A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says, “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”

The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, puts on her shirt and walks out.

The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?”

The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 30, 2019, 05:28:40 PM
A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says, “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”

The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, puts on her shirt and walks out.

The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?”

Earl I got so caught up in watching her win that I forgot to see what she rolled also. lol. Good one! ;D


The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 30, 2019, 09:35:20 PM
Quote
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Oh Oh....I remember....That was answered 50 years ago!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfirnP08FP0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfirnP08FP0)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 31, 2019, 07:18:28 AM
How To Know The Score


For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single
rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed .............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the snow...................................................+8

but return with beer..........................................-5

and no liners................................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat.................................................-40


AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then

leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2

Named Tiffany....................................-4

Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10

With breast implants.........! ....................-18


HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday................................0

You buy a card and flowers...............................0

You take her out to dinner.............................. 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your

face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.......................................0

The pal is happily married..........................+1

The pal is single...................................-7

He drives a Ferrari.................................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15



A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...............+2

You take her to a movie she likes..! ...+4

You take her to a movie you hate......+6

You take her to a movie you like......-2

It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose

jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding......................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt”.........-100

Any other response..............................-20



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned _expression....................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well,

what do you think I should do"...........................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on December 31, 2019, 07:52:06 AM
How To Know The Score


For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single
rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed .............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the snow...................................................+8

but return with beer..........................................-5

and no liners................................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat.................................................-40


AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then

leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2

Named Tiffany....................................-4

Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10

With breast implants.........! ....................-18


HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday................................0

You buy a card and flowers...............................0

You take her out to dinner.............................. 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your

face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.......................................0

The pal is happily married..........................+1

The pal is single...................................-7

He drives a Ferrari.................................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15



A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...............+2

You take her to a movie she likes..! ...+4

You take her to a movie you hate......+6

You take her to a movie you like......-2

It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose

jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding......................-10

You reply, "Where?".............................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt”.........-100

Any other response..............................-20



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned _expression....................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well,

what do you think I should do"...........................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

For lack of being able to say it better... this is why I am happy I am divorced.

I could ask my ex why the sky is Blue (just a hypothetical question in all senses) and she would say everything that had nothing do to with the question, but everything that had to do with what was *wrong* with me!

And when I asked her to answer my question (about the sky being blue or whatever...)  she would get upset and accuse me of not listening to her...

Proud Bachelor here.  I will never understand women...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 31, 2019, 09:20:23 AM
On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

----------

A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking beer.
The man says, "I love you."
The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?"
The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"

----------

During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off.
He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him.
He asked the next hostage, same result.
After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."

----------

John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last words.”
“Wow!" said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last words are always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

----------

Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.
The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave.
If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, "Try finding that Fool!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 31, 2019, 02:14:23 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 31, 2019, 02:44:59 PM
;D
That just proves the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen!
Snowballs!
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 01, 2020, 12:23:32 PM
Careful, Fellas

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 01, 2020, 12:46:39 PM
My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year...
...How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full...
...with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

My resolution was to read more ...
... so I put the subtitles on my TV.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ...
... but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.


What's the best New Year's resolution?...
...1080p.


I can't wait till New Year's Day 2021...
...Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 01, 2020, 12:54:47 PM
My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year...
...How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full...
...with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

My resolution was to read more ...
... so I put the subtitles on my TV.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ...
... but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.


What's the best New Year's resolution?...
...1080p.


I can't wait till New Year's Day 2021...
...Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.


I like those Scott. Happy New Year to you and your family.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 01, 2020, 12:57:58 PM
Thanks, and Congrats on the win Mike!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Techie on January 01, 2020, 04:44:39 PM
Great New Year's jokes!  Thanks Scott!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 01, 2020, 04:49:33 PM
Farmers Funeral Service

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 01, 2020, 05:09:37 PM
Farmers Funeral Service

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

I saw a similar joke about lawyers.
Wait.....Most politicians are lawyers!
That explains the similarity.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 01, 2020, 06:43:12 PM
No Respect

"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 01, 2020, 07:23:23 PM
You know it's a good New Years Eve party when....
The Hostess says" C'mon guys.. help me up off the floor!"
True story... last night.
Still giggling.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on January 01, 2020, 08:20:51 PM
No Respect

"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"
As I read that I started hearing it in Rodney Dangerfield's voice.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 01, 2020, 10:17:08 PM
Dan, me too!   :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 02, 2020, 09:46:29 AM
A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem - it
wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man
came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.

"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over
the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 02, 2020, 01:01:23 PM
Before I went in to Construction I tried to become a Rancher.
I had a brilliant idea!
I cross bred the cattle with Hyenas.
That didn't work out as the offspring became the Laughing Stock of the Ranching Community.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on January 02, 2020, 05:22:50 PM
Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided...I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader! As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on and,  I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 02, 2020, 06:02:10 PM
HA!
Under those circumstances I would have done the same. ;)
#fullfrontal
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 03, 2020, 08:25:02 AM
Dear John Response

You gotta love a man like this, Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he
had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted
pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around
to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could
find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without)
to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and
send the rest back."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on January 03, 2020, 10:18:30 AM
 This is an air rifle related joke...
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU= (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=)

 :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on January 03, 2020, 12:03:15 PM
This is an air rifle related joke...
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU= (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=)

 :o
That is funny.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on January 03, 2020, 01:34:24 PM
This is an air rifle related joke...
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU= (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WNH1S7M/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyN1AwTlBZOVFVT0tKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEzSUpRNVpCWExRMUM1JmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTEwNDI0OTYyNlhCSjFJTTNFQklYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfZGV0YWlsMiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=)

 :o

I would NEVER have gifted away my Crosman Fire if I had known it was REALLY a Benjamin Armada!  (chuckle)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 03, 2020, 08:50:20 PM
Another Round

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!

Let's have another drink to Dublin!" They both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender.



"The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 03, 2020, 09:22:26 PM
Heee Hee HA...
LOVE IT!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on January 03, 2020, 11:40:32 PM
Thanks Mike!  Some of the best jokes I ever listened.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 04, 2020, 09:13:40 AM
Know or Don’t Know

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to
take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really
easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily
win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only
$5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally
gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lani52 on January 04, 2020, 10:01:33 AM
What dies a Pcp owner have in common with a SeaLion and tupperware?

They are all looking for a tight seal.

Riachcreek
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 05, 2020, 05:28:02 AM
Rome Trip

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in
the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're
overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel
was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's
a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so
they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me."



"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 05, 2020, 12:59:09 PM
i could see it coming but it still made me laugh! 


my friends father is just like the hairdresser.  no matter what or where you're going or doing, he has something negative to say.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 05, 2020, 01:58:39 PM
How does an Octopus go into battle?
Well armed.

----------

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.

----------

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."

----------

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other man says, "Go home, dad. You’re drunk."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 06, 2020, 09:04:27 AM
Equine Racing

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S @@@ SHOWS.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S @@@ OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S @@@.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST @@@ IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS @@@ FOR $10.00. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER @@@ IS WILD AND
FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 07, 2020, 07:02:08 PM
Qualifying for Benefits

Having reached the age of 65, John went to apply for Social Security last
week. After waiting in line for a very long time, he finally got to the
counter.
The woman there asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He
looked
in his pockets and realized, to his great dismay, that he had left his
wallet on the nightstand in his bedroom. He told the lady that he was very
sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I'll have to go get
it and come back later," he said. At that point, she said to him,
"Unbutton your shirt."
John was confused, but he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver
hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and, with that, she promptly processed my application. When John got home,
he couldn't wait to tell his wife about the experience at the Social
Security
Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have
dropped your pants . . . you might have gotten disability, too."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on January 07, 2020, 08:28:34 PM
Qualifying for Benefits

Having reached the age of 65, John went to apply for Social Security last
week. After waiting in line for a very long time, he finally got to the
counter.
The woman there asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He
looked
in his pockets and realized, to his great dismay, that he had left his
wallet on the nightstand in his bedroom. He told the lady that he was very
sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I'll have to go get
it and come back later," he said. At that point, she said to him,
"Unbutton your shirt."
John was confused, but he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver
hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and, with that, she promptly processed my application. When John got home,
he couldn't wait to tell his wife about the experience at the Social
Security
Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have
dropped your pants . . . you might have gotten disability, too."

Freudian slip???  LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Techie on January 07, 2020, 09:59:43 PM
That joke is just cruel to us seniors.   ;D

I actually applied for social security last week.  At least I remembered my wallet.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 08, 2020, 02:51:13 AM
Freudian slip???  LOL!

Nothing gets by Paul!!!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 08, 2020, 08:30:30 AM
The Lawyer Signed

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 08, 2020, 09:43:35 AM
A waffle is a considerate pancake.
It is like, let me hold that syrup for you in these little boxes.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on January 08, 2020, 06:25:03 PM
I always thought a waffle was a pancake that flip flopped.   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 08, 2020, 06:47:52 PM
A County Sheriff setting in a speed trap had a slow day... everyone was doing the speed limit and he was getting tired.
  Then, late home from the bar, I blow by in my Ferrari at 120 mph.
The County Mounty spits out his coffee and doughnut and pulls me over.
 He walks up to the drivers side window and says...
"Boy, I been waiting for you all day!"
"Well officer" says I... "I got here as fast as I could."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Techie on January 08, 2020, 11:24:19 PM
Quote
I always thought a waffle was a pancake that flip flopped.
Very clever!
I also loved the speeding joke and the lawyer joke!
This thread brightens up my day.  Thanks all!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 09, 2020, 07:25:41 AM
Little Johnny is in Class

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 09, 2020, 07:23:03 PM
Being a hostage is difficult. Yet....
... most people can do it with two hands tied behind their back.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 09, 2020, 10:19:31 PM
It’s The Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one
morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It
keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with
the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes,
there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said,
"I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't
you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy &^^&...! Everybody in the world knows about this
Italian bread thing but ME....?!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 10, 2020, 07:42:05 PM
My daughter gave a desk calendar of "Bad Dad Jokes" for Christmas so first i'll bring it up to speed and then it will be one new joke a day for rest of the year.


jan 1:   why are penguins socially awkward?   because they can't break the ice!


jan 2:   why don't email servers get hungry?     they eat a lot of spam!


jan3:    what do you call a guy who never farts in public?    a private tutor!


jan:4/5:    what's a snake's favorite course in school?    hissssssstory!


jan6:    why was the cockroach asked to leave the party early?    she was being a pest!


jan:7    did you hear about the giant who threw up?    it's all over town!


jan:8    knock knock.  who's there?  snow.  snow who?  snow use askin' when you can open the the door!


jan:9    how does moses make tea?    he brews!


and todays:    what do toads drink?    croaka-cola!




i'll be all year!



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 11, 2020, 07:09:59 AM
GREAT!
Looking forward to those.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 11, 2020, 07:36:43 AM
Perforated Bovine!

(https://i.imgur.com/k4LzFgG.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/GfRp3lK.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/kyPinDs.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/0ZUZPjz.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/oQ40mqf.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 11, 2020, 01:32:34 PM
I miss the Far Side and Calvin and Hobbs. Two of the best strips ever.
Now for one not so good.

A man walks into a bar carrying a large piece of asphalt and orders two drinks.
The bartender say why do you want two drinks at the same time.
The man says one for me and one for the road.

Gary

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 11, 2020, 01:44:51 PM
Bacon and eggs go into a bar.
Bartender says - you can't come in here.
Why not?
We don't serve breakfast!


Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer... and a mop!


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 11, 2020, 01:46:06 PM
Jan 11 & 12:


Why didn't the teddy bear want any dessert?


He was already stuffed!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 12, 2020, 02:48:58 PM
The level of pollution in the world today is becoming unbearable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead!

----------

I love Halloween!
 It’s the one time of year where all the dust, bloodstains and cobwebs around my house stop being disgusting and become decorations.

----------

I had the following conversation at a hospital years ago.

Nurse: What happened to your fingers?
Me: You know those chefs who cut vegetables really fast?
Nurse: Yes?
Me: I can’t do that.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on January 12, 2020, 04:04:55 PM
Things go better with Coke
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 13, 2020, 12:01:04 AM
Things go better with Coke

Great example of hiding things in plain sight.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 13, 2020, 11:09:38 AM
why don' crabs use social media?


because they're hermits!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 14, 2020, 11:24:20 AM
I’ve just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.
It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

----------

My GrandFather told me that he saw the Titanic, and from the beginning he warned all the people that the Ship would sink!
But no one listened to him.

He was a brave man and would not give up!
He warned them again and again on several occasions...
until they kicked him out of the Cinema.

----------

Really hate my nine to five job.
Starting work at 4:51 is ridiculous.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 14, 2020, 12:04:27 PM
"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine
from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac,
and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."


------------------------------------

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I
remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 14, 2020, 05:10:15 PM
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered “spine” are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 14, 2020, 06:09:31 PM
did you hear about the cell phones that got married?


the wedding was terrific, but the reception was terrible!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 14, 2020, 06:27:41 PM
Speaking of Attorneys...

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer....
  “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.”

  The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on January 14, 2020, 07:08:10 PM
Speaking of Attorneys...

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer....
  “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.”

  The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”

What is black and tan and always looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 14, 2020, 08:07:52 PM
I MUST tell me Step-dad the "Shyster Lawyer" that one.
Thanks!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 14, 2020, 08:56:11 PM
Speaking of Attorneys...

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer....
  “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.”

  The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”

What is black and tan and always looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

What do you call a bunch of lawyers at the beach buried up to their necks in the sand?




Not enough sand!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on January 15, 2020, 05:28:24 AM
There is a joke somewhere about drunk lawyers...


The punch line is, they couldn't *pass the bar*...  (chuckle)

Or their conscience............ . . . . .  .  .  . .     .  . . .   .
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 15, 2020, 10:51:00 AM
Remember that most politicians are lawyers.
They are intelligent, educated, and experienced liars.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on January 15, 2020, 12:50:16 PM
Politicians = Paid Professional Liar and we are the ones paying them to lie to us.  ??? :o :( >:( ::)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 15, 2020, 01:26:32 PM
a horse walks into a bar.  the bartender says "hey".


the horse says, "you read my mind, buddy".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on January 15, 2020, 01:28:37 PM
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 15, 2020, 06:19:45 PM
A Priest, Rabbi, and a Monk walk into a bar...
The Bartender says "What is this, some kinda joke?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 15, 2020, 06:46:15 PM
Quiz Q&A

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



All done? Check your answers below! Scroll Down







ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?
Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 15, 2020, 07:08:08 PM
I got 3...  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 15, 2020, 07:38:04 PM
i got #3 correct as i was there this time last year.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on January 15, 2020, 07:52:47 PM
i got #3 correct as i was there this time last year.

Where is catgut at or is it sheep or horses. ??? ;D

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 15, 2020, 07:59:57 PM
Anything that doesn't require a second or third Doctors visit to have stitches removed is good in my book.
Cat, Sheep, or Horses... I am good with that!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on January 15, 2020, 08:51:17 PM
Anything that doesn't require a second or third Doctors visit to have stitches removed is good in my book.
Cat, Sheep, or Horses... I am good with that!

Amen to that.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 16, 2020, 09:06:50 AM
Steven Wright’s Insights

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had
been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates". His mind sees things
differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some more of his gems:


I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.



Borrow money from pessimists -they don't expect it back.


Half the people you know are below average.



99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.



A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.



All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.



The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.



OK, so what's the speed of dark?



How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?



If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.



Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.



Hard work pays off in the future - laziness pays off now.



I intend to live forever - so far, so good.



If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?



Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.



What happens if you get scared half to death twice?



My mechanic told me: "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder".



Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?



If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.



Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.



To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.


The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.


The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 16, 2020, 11:17:11 AM
the past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.


it was tense.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 16, 2020, 11:25:27 AM
Steven Wright’s Insights

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had
been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates". His mind sees things
differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement.





these are quotes from steven wright the comedian.  i couldn't find anything in his bio stating he was a scientist, but my research may be wrong.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on January 16, 2020, 11:59:46 AM
Not  joke but something joke related that I would like to share.

Fritz Coleman is a weathercaster for KNBC-TV in Los Angeles, California. He also is a standup comedian the company I retired from hired to perform at awards banquets sometimes. When I saw him the first thing he said was "my other job is MUCH easier... no one expects me to be right but doing this I am expected to be funny."

 He actually was funny, it looked like it was easy for him too. The "Smothers Brothers" preformed at another awards banquet I went to and they were funny too. When I told my dad afterward he told me how he had to arrest them for drunk and disorderly once years ago before they were famous. The Company had some good entertainment at those banquets.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 16, 2020, 12:48:12 PM
What do you call someone from Florida that bursts into flames?

A Fire Cracker.

----------

How many letters in the Alphabet???

25, the Angel sang Noel.

----------

I had a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn’t believe my luck!
Every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 16, 2020, 06:28:00 PM
Crisco

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco,
Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm
calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out
in
public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard a**."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 16, 2020, 11:08:28 PM
A blonde, brunette, redhead, cowboy, Indian, priest and a rabbi walk into a bar together.
Bartender says "okay, what's the punch line"?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on January 17, 2020, 05:24:53 AM
A little tribute to Rodney Dangerfield...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wRVVGQTp_I (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wRVVGQTp_I)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-AAVy0EBNY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-AAVy0EBNY)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 17, 2020, 06:32:15 AM
Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on January 17, 2020, 06:36:18 AM
Spoonerisms:

I keep hearing/seeing an ad on TV about diabetes and *pricking your fingers* over and over on a daily basis.

Get it?

If you do, you have a filthy mind!!!  (chuckle)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 17, 2020, 11:10:48 AM
Q: Why is Cinderella such a bad baseball player?

A: Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she ran away from the ball.


------------------------------------

If you can read the writing on the wall, it means the kids have found the
crayons.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 17, 2020, 08:19:47 PM
A man goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender.

The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy replies, “Whiskey.”

The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The guy say, “168.”

The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and
medical technology.


After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious
he gets, so he decides to go back.


The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”

The guy answers, “Whiskey.”

The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The man replies, “100.”

The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, shrimp creole, and LSU, of course.



The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is still so interested in his
“experiment” that he decides to try again.



He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he wants to drink.

The man replies, “Whiskey.”

The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”

The man answers, “35”.

The robot leans in real close and whispers, “So . . . Do you folks
really think The Cleveland Browns will ever win the Super Bowl?”

----------

Ever wanted a Sofa bed?
Convert your sofa into a sofa-bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 17, 2020, 08:59:04 PM
Sent that to my S.I.L. the Browns fan.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 18, 2020, 12:14:03 AM
Guy goes into a bar.
A bunch of meat is hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender "What's up with the meat"
Bartender says "If you can jump and grab one, free drinks for a year. You interested?"
Guy says




"Nope, the steaks are too high!!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 18, 2020, 12:15:28 AM
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 18, 2020, 04:22:54 AM
"Nope, the steaks are too high!!!"

                 (https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.giphy.com%2Fmedia%2F3o7TKxD6awoTUJJ17y%2Fgiphy.gif&f=1&nofb=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on January 18, 2020, 05:13:41 AM
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway!

Cigarette. Because you have to take him for a drag.   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 18, 2020, 07:03:06 AM
Neighbor Bob

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"


"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on January 18, 2020, 04:20:58 PM
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway!

Cigarette. Because you have to take him for a drag.   :o

Dachshunds.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 18, 2020, 05:25:49 PM
What is Jupiter's favorite board game?


Moonopoly!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 19, 2020, 06:20:18 PM
Fashion Sense

A man is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion
sense.

The man walks up to his friend and says, "I didn't
know you were into earrings".
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring", he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing it?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 19, 2020, 08:30:12 PM
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
A the start all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
In the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 19, 2020, 09:55:10 PM
^ CLASSIC^
Wish I would have remembered it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 20, 2020, 05:23:47 AM
Hmm....but True

Finally some definitions that make sense......Someone had to do a lot of thinking to come up with these.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born,
And after they are dead.

Committee:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually "me-deep" in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have Character Lines.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 21, 2020, 09:08:24 PM
When a clown farts,
does it smell funny?

----------

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

----------

What did Obi Wan say when Luke was having trouble in the Chinese restaurant?
Use the fork, Luke.

----------

Why do birds always sing in the morning?
Because they don’t have to go to work!!

----------

The State of California has recently announced that they are going to save money on Crossing Guards by moving schools to the other side of the road.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 22, 2020, 07:33:57 AM
Changes in 2020

Watch for these consolidations in 2020.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 22, 2020, 02:20:01 PM
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, ” Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn ‘s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said,  “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in *(&^, eh?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ‘ and that reminded me where I left me hat.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 22, 2020, 02:48:20 PM
Good one Earl. I’ve gotta go! I think I just saw Murphy pull up at my neighbors house. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on January 22, 2020, 10:32:04 PM
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
A the start all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
In the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

+ ∞
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on January 23, 2020, 03:30:02 AM
More Rodney Dangerfield

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wwydc6fOEwE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wwydc6fOEwE)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 23, 2020, 02:11:25 PM
What did the shy pepple wish for?


To be a little boulder!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 23, 2020, 06:16:06 PM
A Horse of Course

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small
Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax
free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to
have an honorary degree.

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can
certainly arrange that!"

The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot.
I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another
educational institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip
through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president
related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with
shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost
asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree - no
matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give
the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor.
It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 25, 2020, 02:03:43 PM
more bad dad jokes...


what do you call a bear with no shoes?                  bare-foot!


where do snowmen keep their money?                  snow banks!


why did the clown quit his job at the circus?           he broke his funny bone!


knock, knock.  who's there?  water.  water who?  water you doing, just open the door!


which state has the smallest soft drinks?               mini-soda!


how do hens cheer for their team?                        they egg them on!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 25, 2020, 02:08:19 PM
*GROAN*
You were not kidding.
 ;)

 Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied old rancher John.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 25, 2020, 08:20:59 PM
I got an E-mail advertising how to read maps backwards
I'm pretty sure its spam.

----------

My Buddy's wife died a few months ago.
Ever since he's been a total mess… no sleep, weight loss, bloodshot eyes, unlaundered clothes…
The other day I told him
“Steve, you’ve got to stop partying!”

----------

Some one stole the wheels off of a police car.
The police are working tirelessly to find the culprit.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 25, 2020, 08:39:56 PM
Hee hee hee....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 26, 2020, 04:04:17 AM
I got an E-mail advertising how to read maps backwards
I'm pretty sure its spam.

----------

Some one stole the wheels off of a police car.
The police are working tirelessly to find the culprit.
                (https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Ft03.deviantart.net%2FTEn9DEcbOG_8ZszsODbUtza4hyc%3D%2Ffit-in%2F150x150%2Ffilters%3Ano_upscale()%3Aorigin()%2Fpre10%2F926e%2Fth%2Fpre%2Ff%2F2013%2F305%2Fb%2F0%2Fadam_gontier__i_see_what_you_did_there_by_skintobone-d6sleaz.jpg&f=1&nofb=1)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 27, 2020, 06:04:52 AM
Namesakes Luck

Patrick Murphy had finally realized his dream, he was living in America. This was nothing like the small, rural village he had come from and he intended to enjoy every minute of it. His cousin, Sean,had lived here for years and even had picked up the New York slang that Patrick had only heard before at a movie. After much begging and pleading, Patrick convinced Sean to let him borrow his car so he could drive into the city and see the sights.

As you would expect, the big city was overwhelming to Patrick. Too much so. As he was looking at the big buildings, he banged into the rear end of a car in front of him. Patrick was feeling humiliated and embarrassed as the N.Y.C. cop approached him. "Let's see your license and registration." the cop said, in a vaguely familiar way. That's when Patrick saw the man's badge, it said Murphy!

"A Murphy are you? And an Irish license. Where exactly are you from lad?" ,said the cop. "I'm Patrick Murphy, from Westport, in County Mayo." "County Mayo! Now, you wouldn't be related to the Brian Murphy family there would you?" "Sure I am, a cousin." , said Patrick, laying his accent on thick.

"Well, I moved from there 20 years ago and still miss the old place. Tell you what, we'll talk about this more as soon as I get done writing a ticket to this other fellow for backing into you!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 28, 2020, 10:30:11 AM
Did you hear NASA has launched several cows into orbit?


I was the herd shot 'round the world!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 28, 2020, 11:28:15 AM
I’m on a quest around the U.S.A. to find Bigfoot.
I’d originally set out to find cheap car insurance, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 29, 2020, 07:39:46 AM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one *(&^ of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic
and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! .........

The dentist thought to himself, ""dang". This sure is a strong man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." ........

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" .........


The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show
the doctor which tooth hurts."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 29, 2020, 11:36:42 AM
Where does a king hide his armies?


In his sleevies!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on January 30, 2020, 01:23:25 PM
Asked and Answered

A primary school teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by 6 year-olds, because the last one is classic!

Strike while the ..........................insect is close.

Never underestimate the power of............ants.

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

Better to be safe than......................punch an older boy.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight-Saving Time.

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy is the bride who.........................gets all the presents.


A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than............................pregnant!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 30, 2020, 01:58:45 PM
i'd be surprised if most 30 year olds knew who Stevie Wonder is much less a 6 y.o.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on January 30, 2020, 02:16:04 PM
Three Brothers, age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.  He yells down stairs to his brothers “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.”  He starts up the stairs and pauses, then yells “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers.  He shakes his head and says “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”  He knocks on wood for good luck, then yells “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 30, 2020, 02:23:26 PM
i'd be surprised if most 30 year olds knew who Stevie Wonder is much less a 6 y.o.
Who doesn't know who little Stevie wonder is ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 30, 2020, 02:34:52 PM
My Buddy of mine has been with his Tourette’s suffering girlfriend for years now.
I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

----------

What did the Buffalo say to his son as he dropped him off at school?

Bison.

----------

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: I was just keeping up with the traffic.
Cop: There is no traffic!
Me: I know, that’s how far behind I am.

----------

My wife said I was rude for yawning when she was shouting at me.

I told her I wasn’t yawning, I was just trying to speak.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 30, 2020, 03:24:59 PM
What did the Buffalo say to his son as he dropped him off at school?

Bison.


              (https://i.imgur.com/98Ql2OU.gif)


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 31, 2020, 10:53:23 AM
i'd be surprised if most 30 year olds knew who Stevie Wonder is much less a 6 y.o.
Who doesn't know who little Stevie wonder is ?

I can remember when he WAS little.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 31, 2020, 10:59:57 AM
Why don't anchovies shake hands after they lose a game?


They're too salty!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 31, 2020, 12:52:44 PM
What is the main difference between men and boys?

Men's toys cost more.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on January 31, 2020, 12:57:07 PM
What is the main difference between men and boys?

Men's toys cost more.

I think that's an observation, not a joke
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on January 31, 2020, 01:04:24 PM
What is the main difference between men and boys?

Men's toys cost more.

I think that's an observation, not a joke

Seriously, that's not a joke, that's a fact!  LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 31, 2020, 01:47:27 PM
Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.
Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.

----------


I was almost arrested at an airport once.
Apparently “How many do you need?” is a bad response to the question “Do you have any firearms?”

----------

After years of marriage I’ve learnt that you can tell a lot about a woman just from her hands.
When she’s holding a frying pan and waving it around that usually means she’s angry.

----------

I’m not saying my wife’s cooking is bad…..

But several weapons manufacturers from the Middle-East have been trying to buy her recipes.

----------

When I was 5 years old, Dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in the water.
That was not too bad, but getting out of the bag was hard.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 01, 2020, 01:18:25 PM
911! What’s Your Emergency?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 01, 2020, 01:49:02 PM
^that is funny sh9t right there!^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: xtred1 on February 01, 2020, 05:39:12 PM
Did you hear the one about the cannibal that passed his brother in the jungle?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on February 01, 2020, 08:59:11 PM
911! What’s Your Emergency?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Same two hunters the previous weekend come upon a beautiful unclothed blonde sitting on a log.
One of the guys asked 'Are you game?"
"Yep" she answered.

They shot her.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 02, 2020, 09:38:46 PM
Finally, a Smart Blonde
Debbie was really sick of "blond" jokes. As an attractive, blond, newly-arrived medical student at the University of Utah, she felt disrespected -- as though the Utah natives considered her a California Blond Beach Bimbo. So Debbie decided to test her hypothesis. She dyed her hair dark black. Then she went to a new area on the medical school grounds to see if people treated her differently.

She saw a farmer unloading a truckload of sheep for the artificial heart program. "You know, I'm a medical student." The farmer just nodded.

"I'm quite smart." The farmer smiled. "I'm sure you are."

"Let me prove it." said Debbie. "Are they paying you for these sheep by the pound?"

The farmer said, "Yes, they've budgeted three thousand bucks. We have to weigh them to see how many I leave here." "Well, I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can calculate how many sheep that is, in my head."

The farmer leaned back and pursed his lips. "I don't have a hundred on me. But I'll bet a sheep against your hundred."

Debbie studied the flock as it milled around in the pen. "Thirty-seven! It will take 37 sheep." she said.

Sure enough, when the weighing was complete, the medical school had purchased 37 sheep. "Well, a bet's a bet." said the farmer. "Go pick a sheep from the rest of the flock."

Debbie ran into the flock and grabbed a fluffy black and white one. Holding it with both arms, she walked to her car. She heard the farmer call after her. "Hey, we farmers are pretty smart too."

"I'm sure you are." said Debbie.

"Let me prove it," the farmer asked. "If I can calculate the original color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 02, 2020, 10:20:59 PM
BWA-HAA-HAA!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 02, 2020, 11:43:58 PM
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation… only this year I’m gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin’ your advice ’bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“I’m taking Earlene with me.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 03, 2020, 05:06:37 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12670304_10156541776440192_6898557406210639770_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQlbTdOikIIFuM1izWjlLPMXA85AbTAH_5tPAFUkP0IF0XymqDKcec4PFpj24IBO1Wg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=d1567ecf13214fbc2482f9cbf1cbc44d&oe=5EDA8E5F)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on February 03, 2020, 06:14:44 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12670304_10156541776440192_6898557406210639770_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQlbTdOikIIFuM1izWjlLPMXA85AbTAH_5tPAFUkP0IF0XymqDKcec4PFpj24IBO1Wg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=d1567ecf13214fbc2482f9cbf1cbc44d&oe=5EDA8E5F)

Do they actually get into the storm drains/sewers? Or is that an NYC urban legend?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 03, 2020, 07:20:10 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12670304_10156541776440192_6898557406210639770_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQlbTdOikIIFuM1izWjlLPMXA85AbTAH_5tPAFUkP0IF0XymqDKcec4PFpj24IBO1Wg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=d1567ecf13214fbc2482f9cbf1cbc44d&oe=5EDA8E5F)

Do they actually get into the storm drains/sewers? Or is that an NYC urban legend?

Yes, they do get in the storm drains, that is how most of them travel from one lake or retention pond. They do on occasion plug up the system.  This is a good example of one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUrxdSORO2Q (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUrxdSORO2Q)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 04, 2020, 10:26:44 AM
Exhibiting Zoo Experience

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell him you have a headache."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 04, 2020, 10:46:46 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12670304_10156541776440192_6898557406210639770_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQlbTdOikIIFuM1izWjlLPMXA85AbTAH_5tPAFUkP0IF0XymqDKcec4PFpj24IBO1Wg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=d1567ecf13214fbc2482f9cbf1cbc44d&oe=5EDA8E5F)

Do they actually get into the storm drains/sewers? Or is that an NYC urban legend?

Yes, they do get in the storm drains, that is how most of them travel from one lake or retention pond. They do on occasion plug up the system.  This is a good example of one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUrxdSORO2Q (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUrxdSORO2Q)

My daughter moved to Florida.
When she walks the dog she keeps Gia between her and the curb inlets.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 04, 2020, 01:12:17 PM
How does an squid go into battle?                              Well armed!


What word do people always spell wrong?                   Wrong!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 04, 2020, 01:51:16 PM
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 05, 2020, 10:14:34 AM
I once heard about a wealthy Texan who had an impressive ranch in Texas. On
his ranch, he had a HUGE floodlit swimming pool and in this swimming pool he
kept a SHARK. The rich Texan loved to throw lavish dinner parties and would
invite his guests up around the pool afterwards. Then he would say to them,
"If any of you will swim a length of this pool then I will give you one of
three things: $10 million, or half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter
in marriage."

Well one evening as he was saying this and he always said before he
finished, "but I must warn you before you do so, there is a shark in the
pool."

Well one evening as he was saying this, there was a splash, and a man, very
nicely dressed, swam the entire length of the pool chased by the shark. He
got out of the pool just in time as the shark thudded into the wall.

The Texan said, "Congratulations you are the first person who has ever done
that!! Now what would you like? Would you like $10 million?"

The man gasped, "No thank you."

He said, "Would you like half of my estate?"

The man said, "No thank you."

He said, "Ahh, you want the hand of my daughter in marriage?"

The exasperated man said, "No thank you!"

So the Texan said to him, "Well what do you want?"

He said, "I want the name of the man who pushed me in.”

******************************************************************

My wife knows just how to motivate me.

She'll say, "Do you want to do the dishes tonight, dear, or would you rather
have a live skunk stapled to your thigh?"

------------------------------------

The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 06, 2020, 07:09:17 AM
Pope Promotion

According to Vatican insiders, Cardinal Josef Ratzinger was not the
Vatican's first choice. That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.
Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army
during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B-17s until his aircraft
was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.

Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain,
giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa,
piloting his own plane ( in spite of his handicap ) to villages across
the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe
when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.
Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move.
Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days,
suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The
exposure to the high silver content in the mine's air gave him
purpura, a life-long condition characterized by
purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a
scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should
never ascend to the Papacy.
They felt that the Church would never accept a
one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on February 06, 2020, 07:20:32 AM
That's bad! lol   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 06, 2020, 10:12:42 AM
I went to the paint store to get thinner.................... but it didn’t work.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lani52 on February 06, 2020, 05:46:16 PM
Procrastination is like masterbation,
It feels good at the time,
But in the end your just screwing yourself

Roachcreek
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 06, 2020, 09:37:07 PM
Quote
They felt that the Church would never accept a
one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader!
;D :o ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 07, 2020, 09:57:40 AM
Sally phoned her husband, Bill, at work for a chat.

"I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't
have time to chat."

Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you,
dear."

"OK darling," said Bill, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me
the good news."

"Okay," agreed Sally. "Well, the air bags work!"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 08, 2020, 12:57:41 PM
Why was the math book sad?                      Because it had so many problems!


I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went,  then it dawned on me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 08, 2020, 01:50:54 PM
One family who had some visitors coming to lunch  wanted to show-off
to their visitors how well they had bought up their children and how well
their children prayed.

So when it came to lunch they said to their son, "Johnny, why don't
you pray?" Johnny looked rather embarrassed and he said, "I can't." So, the
mother just whispered to him, "Johnny, just say what Daddy said at
breakfast."

So he shut his eyes and said, "Oh God [pause] why do we have to have these people over for lunch today?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on February 08, 2020, 08:40:21 PM
Differences Between Man and Women some are funny, some are not
Eating Out
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Future
A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.
Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
Thought for the Day
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on February 08, 2020, 09:11:46 PM
Perks Of Being Over The Hill

    There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.   

    Things that you buy now won't wear out.

    Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

    You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.

    Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

    You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.

    Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.

    You can sing along with elevator music.

    Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.

    Your eyes won't get too much worse.

    Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "

    You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.

    You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

    In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.

    No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

    You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 08, 2020, 09:15:08 PM
Wait, Dan:  That's me!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on February 08, 2020, 09:17:51 PM
Wait, Dan:  That's me!

Me too  :(  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on February 08, 2020, 11:35:04 PM
I'm starting to fall further into those categories.... In BOTH jokes... 😯🙄
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 09, 2020, 02:40:42 PM
Baby Boomers...







Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 09, 2020, 07:49:47 PM
Only Missed One

Bubba (from Alabama) applied for an engineering position at a Lake
Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest,
but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy
I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision based not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put
down; "I don't know."

You put down, "Neither do I."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on February 09, 2020, 08:28:56 PM
Now that's just plain funny right there. I don't care who you are. 🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Wolfer on February 10, 2020, 10:04:47 PM
Horse walks in a bar, bartender looks at him a says why the long face.     Mike
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on February 10, 2020, 10:15:38 PM
Only Missed One

Bubba (from Alabama) applied for an engineering position at a Lake
Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest,
but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy
I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision based not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put
down; "I don't know."

You put down, "Neither do I."

Reverse Alabama and Yankee in the joke.

Now that is true.   Don't know if it is funny or not...  (chuckle)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 12, 2020, 10:30:26 AM
Border Test

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.legally
through Immigration.

The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests so far,
but you must pass this last test.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."

Pedro said, " I am ready."

The officer said "Make a sentence using
Yellow, Pink and Green."

Pedro thought for a few minutes and said
"Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said "Go ahead."

Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I
pink it up, and say,'Yellow, this is Pedro.'"

Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a
neighborhood near you.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on February 15, 2020, 04:29:13 AM
Border Test

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S.legally
through Immigration.

The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests so far,
but you must pass this last test.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."

Pedro said, " I am ready."

The officer said "Make a sentence using
Yellow, Pink and Green."

Pedro thought for a few minutes and said
"Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said "Go ahead."

Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I
pink it up, and say,'Yellow, this is Pedro.'"

Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a
neighborhood near you.

You and I may be banned from GTA... but I get the joke.   Unfortunately, it is true, but not funny...

*Pedro* and family burglarized me.

*Pedro* and family STILL live next door...

Kerry
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 15, 2020, 10:17:50 AM
The Definition of Love

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, "What does love mean?" Some of the answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:


"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her
all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy -age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is
OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My
Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with
a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he
wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared
anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the
contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked
what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I
just helped him cry."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on February 15, 2020, 10:33:56 AM
The Definition of Love

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, "What does love mean?" Some of the answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:


"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her
all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy -age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is
OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My
Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with
a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he
wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared
anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the
contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked
what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I
just helped him cry."

A big +++
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 17, 2020, 10:28:00 PM
Blonde Reasoning

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on February 18, 2020, 03:51:48 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DbSbQlVmag (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DbSbQlVmag)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 19, 2020, 03:53:11 PM
Neighbors

Eino was an older single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran, and
each Friday night after work he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a
venison steak. Now all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic - and since it was
Lent they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma
from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to
Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass and
as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said "You were born a
Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the
wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was
called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Eino's yard,
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and
watched......

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanting: "You were born a deer, and
raised a deer, but now you are a striped bass.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 19, 2020, 08:17:38 PM
THAT made me Belly Laugh!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DevilsLuck on February 19, 2020, 10:01:50 PM
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated..?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on February 20, 2020, 01:50:48 AM
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated..?


Because she is me.


We are both confused. (Not sexually)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DevilsLuck on February 20, 2020, 05:46:58 AM
Why was the Amish girl excommunicated..?
Two Mennonite!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 21, 2020, 08:22:06 AM
Wanna Buy a Tie?

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something
far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that
hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four
hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting
at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not
find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in
without a tie!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on February 21, 2020, 02:12:23 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/87321251_2686629811385649_7463223275640848384_o.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ohc=7_Nzfv-MSsQAX-H1ojR&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=fdbf7148160fbebb80cb321ed331a05d&oe=5EBB3B47)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 21, 2020, 04:50:14 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/87321251_2686629811385649_7463223275640848384_o.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ohc=7_Nzfv-MSsQAX-H1ojR&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=fdbf7148160fbebb80cb321ed331a05d&oe=5EBB3B47)

Definitely looks like proof. I hope for her sake the baby’s not born breach. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 21, 2020, 05:24:47 PM
"You'll shoot your Hoo-Haa out kid"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 22, 2020, 08:05:47 AM
Go Easy on the “V”.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his @@@.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his @@@.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 22, 2020, 07:31:20 PM
GOVERNMENT JOB

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

“The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 22, 2020, 08:11:14 PM
1
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Skeeeets on February 23, 2020, 04:19:38 AM
1


...




(https://pics.me.me/i-dont-hate-people-i-just-feel-better-when-they-1883669.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on February 24, 2020, 01:59:41 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/87240080_2308821206076980_5250170135754309632_n.png?_nc_cat=110&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_oc=AQmpIrDnAIOxZSY3gbP0W7bpOeZ0Vn-r0_9j8Z5nlvAfqdNeMuA7ovAoVizXK-bR6XPv8Gz88ZbAd5SF59Cn0JlW&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=52112a3f4efd30de471494d87b7b0952&oe=5F00A563)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on February 24, 2020, 02:07:03 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/87240080_2308821206076980_5250170135754309632_n.png?_nc_cat=110&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_oc=AQmpIrDnAIOxZSY3gbP0W7bpOeZ0Vn-r0_9j8Z5nlvAfqdNeMuA7ovAoVizXK-bR6XPv8Gz88ZbAd5SF59Cn0JlW&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=52112a3f4efd30de471494d87b7b0952&oe=5F00A563)

+1 as well.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 24, 2020, 03:04:11 PM
A 10-year-old girl was walking home alone from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” says the girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist doesn’t give up, pulls up beside her again and says, “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out, “Look Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley, like I wanted. GO RIDE IT ALONE!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 24, 2020, 08:29:32 PM
Good one Earl.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on February 25, 2020, 02:48:57 AM
But you meet the nicest people on a Honda ;D ;D ;)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 25, 2020, 10:42:14 AM
WARNING
Do not accept any friend requests from Lizzie Borden.
She is a known hacker.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 25, 2020, 12:05:02 PM
"Follow the leader, he's on a Honda".
Don't follow anyone, ride a Harley.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 25, 2020, 03:35:57 PM
HARLEY DAVIDSON  --  Isn't that what some call 'Butt Jewelry"!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on February 25, 2020, 03:55:28 PM
What could be better than the warm fresh smell of smog in the morning.  With the chatter of bugs bouncing off your teeth and the buzzing in your mouth synchronized to the roar of the mighty Harley to start the day.  Harley's forever.  I do like my Honda tiller and mower though for those less eventful times.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 25, 2020, 06:26:41 PM
.. and my Snapper zero turn..... Really glad Harley didn't make a "Snapper" model motorcycle.
"Nice bike, what is it?"  "Why, it's a Snapper, sir".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 25, 2020, 07:28:26 PM
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson rider and a vacuum cleaner?
A vacuum cleaner has the "dirt bag" on the INSIDE!

Yeah well... no V-twins here...you "ape hangers" can eat my dust.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DevilsLuck on February 25, 2020, 08:22:38 PM
Never was drawn to the Harleyy styling. My one, and only bike, was a CBR 929. Ports polished, and could outrun the word of god. Then it was stolen... If I ever find the guy that stole it... I'll put his first born through college. No question he saved my life...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 25, 2020, 09:52:55 PM
Where's a pic of a train crash when we need it.  This thread has been stolen and derailed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 25, 2020, 10:11:34 PM
Sorry, my bad.
Gotta admit... it was better than some of the borderline jokes seen here.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 25, 2020, 10:18:17 PM
How's this then...

Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.
The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”
“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”

Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”

Bill...
I got your back Buddy. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on February 26, 2020, 02:22:51 AM
HARLEY DAVIDSON  --  Isn't that what some call 'Butt Jewelry"!

Newer ones are butt jewelry but my old shovel is a butt massager for sure. I only got a Harley when I got the job at the Harley test facility in 98 as a research mechanic so bought an old shovel and rebuilt it from the ground up. Always rode yamaha dirt bikes and a  77 KZ1000 street bike that i still have also built from the ground up.  9.5 second quarter mile street legal OG muscle bike.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: WestCoastFranky on February 26, 2020, 03:06:49 AM
Having grown up in east Texas, I always appreciated this one:

Why did the chicken cross the road?


To show the 'possum it could be done.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on February 26, 2020, 09:25:09 PM
Ponderings

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

· Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

· If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme &^^&, why didn't he just buy dinner?

· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

· Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 26, 2020, 10:15:30 PM
Quote
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

My Grandfather told me this 50 years ago.... and it is STILL true!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bryan Heimann on February 27, 2020, 12:30:43 AM
A farmer from Skipton sadly lost his wife. He contacted the Yorkshire Post to arrange an obituary. The couple had been happily married for 50 years before she passed away.

The farmer went to the newspaper office to make the arrangements. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “ Ow Much? ”
“Ah want summat simple” he explained, “My Gladys were a gud ‘arted an’ ‘ard-workin’ Yorkshire lass but she wunt av wanted owt swanky.”

“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk.

“Nay”, he said, “she wunt av wanted owt la-di-da. Just put, ‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”.

“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist.

“Do I? Well, put died 17th March. That'll do”.

“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.

The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.

“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.

“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' av wanted me to splash out”.

“The words are included in the standard price”, the woman informed him.

“Ah they? Tha means av paid for 'em?”.

“Yes, indeed sir”.

“Well, if av paid for 'em , am 'avin ‘em”

The obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March. Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.



Good Lord Almighty.

I choked on my burrito I laughed so hard.

I can't believe I am just getting started reading this gosh darn thread.  It is excellent.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bryan Heimann on February 27, 2020, 12:48:08 AM
I only made it through the first two pages.  My sides hurt already.

To be continued... thanks to all who posted in this thread!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on February 27, 2020, 02:43:31 PM
Bryan, it has taken me weeks to get to this page 97. Enjoyed every page. Laugh all the way here.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on February 27, 2020, 10:33:22 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/88052502_2699486743433289_5368403052040552448_o.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_eui2=AeG67Cb5g2yPVPFYxb5VEpUfco66s6eKY8w1rxbMKuPlECtZnKLbDV7m2vcNhRHDOBiKvjUAef3l5-2sGZj8E0wNtAyLW-jEw-k2NMQ5SvcVXw&_nc_ohc=-i9ueQWPYzAAX-g3zmn&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=1d760105cf9848e9be73d4e70261412b&oe=5EFE3330)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JeffB1961 on February 28, 2020, 12:54:00 PM
(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/83246750_842931802798017_115914303961300992_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_eui2=AeGtBDAlDWq2mp7Fnk7n53OQ_9BS4O8ifnePJVVRzE-WyM99VgoZljuU4aBmJn8j4OY8XFGYAY0LZ_LzkBZa2i6ZJgRiLk_OhE6KsQg6YyST4A&_nc_ohc=KNPe6E97tAwAX-iXJ3G&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=45760775db779fc3875e1a25e832311d&oe=5EBF1509)

4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 28, 2020, 01:17:44 PM
I did NOT see that one comin!!!
HA HA HA HA!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 01, 2020, 08:01:16 AM
Actual Newspaper Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat... been out a while... better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used... call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 01, 2020, 12:15:28 PM
i saw a classified ad in our local paper and sent it to Jay Leno years ago.  it went something like...


Prom dress, only worn half the night.  No longer fits.  for sale or trade for baby clothes.   
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 01, 2020, 12:30:07 PM
I think I posted this before... but oh well.

(https://i.imgur.com/4mKzs.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DevilsLuck on March 01, 2020, 12:40:36 PM
I think I posted this before... but oh well.

(https://i.imgur.com/4mKzs.jpg)
Zinger!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 01, 2020, 04:05:56 PM
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things
from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of Capri
pants.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"


------------------------------------

Three hardest things to say ...
1. I'm sorry
2. I was wrong
3. Worcestershire sauce

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 02, 2020, 06:54:40 PM
did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?          there was nothing left but de brie!




how does a penguin build its house?           it igloos it together!         
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 02, 2020, 07:04:17 PM
Happy Anniversary

An older couple is sitting at a booth in a restaurant having an anniversary dinner. The old man leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember this place? After I proposed to you, we went out to the field behind the restaurant and made love by the old fence for the very first time." His wife just blushed and said,"Of course I do"
"Well, the old field is still back there, so is the fence, and it's still just as private as ever. What do you say, for old times sake?" And the couple get up and head for the door.
A policeman is sitting in the next booth and heard everything. He figures he's not going to bother them, he sees too many couples in domestic disputes to ruin it for a couple still in love. Just the same ,he thinks he'd better go back there and make sure the couple is safe.
As he sneaks around the side of the building he is relieved to see that no one else is around. He hears the couple giggle and sit by the fence. Then he hears the wildest carrying on he's ever heard. These two sound like wild animals! He wasn't planning to stay, but he can't believe these two old folks can be so aggressive.
Finally he hears the commotion die down, the couple is laying in an exhausted heap on the ground.
After about half an hour he's ready to call an ambulance, when he hears them get up and start to head back to the parking lot.
Trying to be discreet, he makes his presence known and asks the old man if there is anything he can do for him.
The old man just shakes his head, then mumbles, "Fifty years ago, that darn fence wasn't electric."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 02, 2020, 08:44:46 PM
^ very good Mike, very good^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 03, 2020, 11:40:54 AM
I still git a giggle out of this song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3jUNJWeZYc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3jUNJWeZYc)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on March 03, 2020, 04:30:14 PM
Ode to the good old days. ;D ;D ;D ;)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 03, 2020, 05:36:42 PM
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.  She says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth closed that does the trick.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 03, 2020, 10:34:26 PM
A couple of good ones
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 04, 2020, 03:27:45 AM
Oldie but goodie.

HOW DOGS AND CATS THINK.


The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Buttheads!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. I could, however, hear the noises and smell the food.

I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.....

.... For now.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 04, 2020, 09:58:48 AM
I've just been diagnosed as color blind.


It really came out of the purple.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 04, 2020, 12:01:56 PM
Hits home....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: kbstingwing on March 04, 2020, 01:28:38 PM
Your Mama's so Fat, the Kids are Protesting about "Climate Change" Around Her.......... :o :o :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 04, 2020, 01:32:24 PM
Las Vegas Worship

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.

Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting.

Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.


And he is known as . .

Are you ready?

You're going to love this. . .
.
.
.
.
.
.


The Chip Monk
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 04, 2020, 01:56:06 PM
NICE!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: strever on March 05, 2020, 10:51:09 PM
MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
 
 "Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
 "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
 Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years.  Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
 Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
 "You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
 "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
 
 "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.  Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop.  As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.  Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
 
 "Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on March 06, 2020, 03:14:49 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D 8)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 06, 2020, 04:04:11 AM
This may have been posted here already, but still...


The State of Mi. Department of Natural resources sends a letter to me asking for permission to access a creek on my property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.
Dear Landowner:
DNR Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs& other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.
Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.
If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.
Sincerely
Steve xxxxxxx
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

RESPONSE FROM ME

Dear Steve xxxxxxx
Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the "Frog Survey License" ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a "Frog Habitat" parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).
You will also need an "Invasive Species" stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add'l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your "Creek Habitat" stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident). I do have bait for deer out there also. You will have to obtain your $15.00 baiting licenses for all people coming on property.
Survey units open between 8 am. and 3 pm. but you cannot commence survey until 9 am. and must cease all survey activity by 1 pm.
Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18" handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.
After 1 pm. you can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the "Frog Net Endorsement" ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).
Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our "Premium Survey" units and application is again only $8.00 per application.
You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of "Frog Surveys and You" comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks.
This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,
Land Owner

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on March 06, 2020, 04:48:30 AM
I still git a giggle out of this song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3jUNJWeZYc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3jUNJWeZYc)
+1 (grin)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on March 06, 2020, 04:51:52 AM
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.  She says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth closed that does the trick.”


+1 or maybe: O-notation, O(∞) = O(1)? (https://stackoverflow.com/questions/5627390/o-notation-o%e2%88%9e-o1)

I don't know...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on March 06, 2020, 04:58:33 AM
Hits home....

That one actually made me (chuckle) out loud!  ((snort/chuckle))
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on March 06, 2020, 05:04:39 AM
This may have been posted here already, but still...


The State of Mi. Department of Natural resources sends a letter to me asking for permission to access a creek on my property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.
Dear Landowner:
DNR Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs& other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.
Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.
If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.
Sincerely
Steve xxxxxxx
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

RESPONSE FROM ME

Dear Steve xxxxxxx
Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the "Frog Survey License" ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a "Frog Habitat" parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).
You will also need an "Invasive Species" stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add'l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your "Creek Habitat" stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident). I do have bait for deer out there also. You will have to obtain your $15.00 baiting licenses for all people coming on property.
Survey units open between 8 am. and 3 pm. but you cannot commence survey until 9 am. and must cease all survey activity by 1 pm.
Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18" handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.
After 1 pm. you can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the "Frog Net Endorsement" ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).
Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our "Premium Survey" units and application is again only $8.00 per application.
You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of "Frog Surveys and You" comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks.
This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.
Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,
Land Owner

I have seen this in other forms/details, but always love it when I read it again... (smile)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 06, 2020, 09:46:24 AM
Well I’ll Be

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
"the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace


Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A. Obsession


75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbows.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 06, 2020, 05:07:41 PM
Well I’ll Be

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
"the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace


Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A. Obsession


75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbows.

Now that is funny and informative.

"The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%"
Because North America includes Canada and Alaska.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 06, 2020, 06:32:54 PM
Thank you for explaining that Earl. The rest of us would have never figured that out on our own.

(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcSVcyG7t3xl4wpuu1kUXS0LbxHNbcbX1TbK-dvIvoJowCtIaiyp)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on March 06, 2020, 08:03:18 PM
Well I’ll Be

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
"the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace


Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A. Obsession


75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbows.

Now that is funny and informative.

"The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%"
Because North America includes Canada and Alaska.

I don't have current figures but in 2015 in the U.S. Cities were Home to 62.7 Percent of the U.S. Population, but Comprised Just 3.5 Percent of the Land Area of the U.S.A. There are vast unpopulated areas in the lower 48 whether they could be called wilderness is questionable.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 07, 2020, 07:44:59 AM
Well I’ll Be....cont.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."


It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . We
know it today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"


Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DevilsLuck on March 07, 2020, 08:48:55 AM
Derived from sailing ships. The 'sheet' in the phrase uses the nautical meaning, of a rope that controls the trim of sail. ... Hence, a totally inebriated person is out of control and in danger of crashing, just like a ship “three sheets to the wind”.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 07, 2020, 09:06:00 AM
Mike (Air4All), your last sentence:  75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbows.
I was not one of the 75% because, about 65 years ago, my father told my 'Tomboy' sister that she could become a boy if she kissed her elbow.  Didn't happen.  She is still a girl.  ::)
Thanks for the memories.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 07, 2020, 10:43:30 AM
WWII aircraft had round "balls" for knobs on the throttles. For Maximum speed you pushed them all the way in towards the dash called the "firewall".
 That is how "Balls to the wall" came into meaning
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DevilsLuck on March 07, 2020, 10:49:19 AM
“Betting the nuts”.

According to some poker experts, the term originated in the old west, where players often bet their horse and wagon. When a player put up his horse and wagon in a game, he would be required to remove the nuts from his wagon wheels and place them in the pot, so that he could not flee if he lost the bet.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 08, 2020, 07:20:42 AM
The Color of a Woman’s Hair

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your
knee."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 08, 2020, 10:14:10 AM

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DevilsLuck on March 08, 2020, 10:30:36 AM

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Gary
Ahhh. Sleeping... When it's my time to go; that's how I want to do it. Just like my ole Grandad... Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 09, 2020, 03:58:34 PM
Dear Ex

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for thirty-two years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two months have been *(&^. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.


You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me
anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to
find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Florida together! Have a great life!



Sincerely, Your Ex-Wife.


Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for thirty-two years, although a good woman
is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to
drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice
when you cut off all of your hair last week. The first thing that came
to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had
on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed
that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of
this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were
gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you now have the
wonderful life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that
you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don't know
if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope
that's not a problem.



Sincerely, Rich and Free!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on March 09, 2020, 04:29:26 PM
What goes around comes around. ;D ;D ;D ???

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 09, 2020, 09:45:37 PM
Bwaaa...Ha...HAAA!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 09, 2020, 11:24:53 PM
what do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?           frostbite!


what do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns?            go for the juggler!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 09, 2020, 11:41:24 PM
"I was born a poor white child,.........

"In them days, we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea."

"Aye, a cup of cold tea"

"Without milk or sugar"

"Or tea"

"In a filthy cracked cup."

"We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper."

"The best we could manage was a sock or a piece of damp cloth."

"But ye know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor ..."

"Because we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me 'Money doesn't buy you happiness'."

"He was right. I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof."

"House, you lived in a house? We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, and we're all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling."

"You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in the corridor!"

"Oooooh, we used to dream of living in a corridor. It would have been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish [heap]. We got woken up every morning to having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us. House? Uh!"

"Oh, when I said house I meant a hole in the ground covered by a piece of twig. It was a house to us."

"We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in the lake!"

"You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road."

"Cardboard box?"

"Aye"

"You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down the mill fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, and when we would go home, dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt."

"Look, [sherry?], we used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work for twenty hours at the mill every day for a tuppence a month, come home, and dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle ... if we were lucky!"

"Well, we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongues. We had one handful of freezing cold gravel, work at the mill for twenty-four hours a day for four bits every six years, and when would get home, our dad would slice into us with a bread knife."

"Right!"

"I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah!"

"You can't tell the young people of the day that. They won't believe you."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 10, 2020, 12:25:39 AM
OFFICER! He’s in the Shade

On a hot summer day, a redneck cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.
The redneck cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; he's cool cause I got'im tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin". Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck cowboy looks at him and says,
"Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 13, 2020, 01:46:02 PM
Know the best way to cook an alligator....
     In a croc pot.


Why are all the people upset about me stock piling ammo stockpiling toilet paper?

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 13, 2020, 02:22:46 PM
what do call 4 bullfighters in quicksand?             quattro sinko!


i have a stepladder.  it's nice stepladder, but i wish i knew my real ladder.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 13, 2020, 06:56:52 PM
Adam’s Lonely

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"


Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was
going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.


He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for
you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She
will always agree with every decision you make and she will not
nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when
you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!


She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the
middle of the night to take care of them.


She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."


Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"


God replied, "An arm and a leg."


Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course the rest is history....................
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on March 13, 2020, 09:27:33 PM
If you get corona virus twice is it called Dos Equis??
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 13, 2020, 10:22:52 PM
A double corona. Cigar smokers know what that is.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on March 13, 2020, 10:24:06 PM
A double corona. Cigar smokers know what that is.

Curly Howard would have known that...  (chuckle)

Quote
"Yeah, I found a Corona!" "A Corona?" "Yeah! It was a Corona-Corona, but I only found halfa it! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!" [Crunch!]
(Curly & Moe)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 14, 2020, 11:20:56 AM
Honey, I’ve arrived

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw
out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:




To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 6, 2005


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine
was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 14, 2020, 07:59:08 PM
(https://scontent.fewr1-5.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/89250831_2520747861474638_2492427314948734976_o.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmU_j0Zm-YPUO4hIx5qJbhDhfXW47dobfyYJXpIC8UcBTqGrspEclQmQBlipltfgr5WZnWPgexU8q8IWX2NL7An&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-5.fna&_nc_tp=7&oh=549d10c0c6ae62e190f86aeb809d260a&oe=5E91D178)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 14, 2020, 08:03:58 PM
Kris... I am sharing that on SO many levels!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 14, 2020, 08:39:38 PM
(https://scontent.fewr1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89790526_1341261466083457_4229629066627514368_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmJjIDNgNi--n9ac9VAu-9bNheluQuETCHkKyV-g-i_lLM_GdkxZ-Xe45YJHlIr8NrHzFvhnGYOBtnJgmrEZ8Fg&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-2.fna&oh=e4233f3b20efca773ca7869dd86b85ed&oe=5E945427)

(https://scontent.fewr1-3.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89786630_1340751269467810_8627230013529260032_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQkxrfrrg_mIJGcjOhC_pmjhkujqcme9UtilGksMv3XA3x5X5T7fcuQC5cefDyd2N-TS5h6MMZtIKz9kgflvagye&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-3.fna&oh=11a95314873364362af06c7648195b67&oe=5E949B99)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 15, 2020, 11:23:11 AM
Aviation Laws

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).



You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)


The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.


Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)



If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe. When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.



Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.


What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up ... the pilot dies.


Never trade luck for skill.


The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S--t!!!!"


Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.


Progress in airline flying:: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.



Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.


A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.



I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.


Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left anyone up there!


Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries!

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of under-standing or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.


Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.



Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.



The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)



The Altitude above you, the runway behind you, and the fuel not in the plane are totally worthless!!!

(Sonny Kellum, Flight Instructor)

A pilot's job is very simple.... there are 3 lights on an aircraft, red on left wing tip, green on right wing tip, white on the tail..... Your job, as a pilot is to keep the plane between these 3 lights!!!!

(Sonny Kellum, Flight Instructor)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)


If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)



Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you!!




There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron OPS desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).


The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
(Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there)


If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to!!



Basic Flying Rules:

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.


The 2 most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity and I don't know which is the more.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 15, 2020, 01:41:37 PM
Helicopters just beat the air into submission. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 15, 2020, 02:58:44 PM
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.”

Paddy replied, “No it’s genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 16, 2020, 10:18:08 AM
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Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 16, 2020, 03:10:46 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 17, 2020, 03:44:48 AM
That is how "Balls to the wall" came into meaning

Running "balls to the wall", was preceded by running "balls out"; as in, with the balls on a centrifugal governor all the way out; indicating full speed:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfDYgMfuEvY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfDYgMfuEvY)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP-olwxkw7s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP-olwxkw7s)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 17, 2020, 03:51:02 AM
what do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

Reminded me of this one:

What is the definition of a mistress?

It is something between a master and a mattress.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 17, 2020, 03:13:00 PM
Steve’s Wife

Three guys were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are . "
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joekrooz on March 17, 2020, 06:24:10 PM
https://youtu.be/b-Gly0No_P0
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on March 18, 2020, 04:18:36 AM
https://youtu.be/b-Gly0No_P0 (https://youtu.be/b-Gly0No_P0)

Thanks!   That actually made me laugh a LOT!  LOL!  ;)

Is that a clip from a show?   If so, which one?

Thanks again!

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 18, 2020, 06:10:22 AM
A weathered, old cowboy walked into a barbershop one day. He told the barber, “I can’t get all these whiskers off anymore. My face is too wrinkled from years out in the sun.”

The barber reached over and picked up a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf. The barber told the old cowboy, “put this in your mouth and press it up against your cheek with your tongue to spread out the skin.”

After the barber had finished his shave, the old cowboy he felt of his now whisker free cheek, and smiled. He told the barber, “That was the cleanest shave I’ve had in years.” He paused for a moment and then said, “I do have one question though. What would have happened if I had accidentally swallowed that little ball?”

The barber replied, “Everything comes out in the end. You would have just brought it back in a few days like everyone else has.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 18, 2020, 07:39:45 AM
Good one Tater. Talk about something leaving “a bad taste in your mouth”. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on March 18, 2020, 05:41:05 PM
I was watching the news at the airport keeping up on a flood that had happened in South America and as the news caster had informed everyone that only one Brazilian was killed the blonde woman standing next to me asked 
" How many is a Brazilian "

A man is working at the local electronics store when a blonde woman asks for his assistance.
She tells him " I want to listen to music at night, but all you guys carry are AM/FM radios "
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 18, 2020, 08:22:09 PM
knock knock!


who's there?


tank.


tank who?


you're welcome!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 18, 2020, 09:07:23 PM
Carl.... I am SO going to do that to my Grand-kids right after "interrupting cow"! ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 19, 2020, 04:38:41 AM
Carl.... I am SO going to do that to my Grand-kids right after "interrupting cow"! ;D

My niece and nephews loved the interrupting cow joke when they were young'ns.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 19, 2020, 12:01:58 PM
Man of the House

A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE
HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife,
pointing a finger in her face, he said,

"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


His wife replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my guess."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 19, 2020, 06:44:57 PM
Wanna know the best way to kill the Covid 19 virus?


Tell Hillary it is going to testify against her.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 19, 2020, 07:13:25 PM
That's for sure!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 20, 2020, 08:01:53 AM
Train Tunnel

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French
guy, an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand
print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark,
but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Frenchman thinks: The American, must have groped the blonde in the dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The American, thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that
Frenchman again!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on March 20, 2020, 09:57:53 AM
No wonder they don't like American tourists!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 20, 2020, 12:00:50 PM
Actual Recorded Court Statements

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

*******************************


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on March 20, 2020, 03:43:39 PM
McDonald's recently announced that they're going to start using cardboard instead of styrofoam, let's hope they eventually start using beef.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on March 20, 2020, 03:45:56 PM
A long read, but it's been around a while and always funny. And try to NOT correct the grammar or syntax. That is the funny!

The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
 
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 20, 2020, 04:27:28 PM

                (https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.joeydevilla.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2020%2F03%2Fare-tortillas-flushable.jpg&f=1&nofb=1)


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 20, 2020, 06:35:07 PM
NOOOOO!  Tater, i can't find tortillas anywhere.  i'll trade a roll of t.p. for a package of tortillas!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 20, 2020, 06:35:45 PM
Looks like a CAT 10 a comin'.

(https://www.starfl.com/galleryimage/DA/20200320/PHOTOGALLERY/320009997/PH/0/1/PH-320009997.jpg&maxW=900&maxH=900&cacheBuster=%7B07D8C67E-EDE5-4D44-B335-509F451AC0F4%7D?Q=75&maxW=1170&maxH=1170)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 20, 2020, 06:52:22 PM
Ken, I find that is not funny but sad... "those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it"
Although "500 porcupines" did make me chuckle.
Stoopid kids.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DevilsLuck on March 21, 2020, 02:47:06 PM
...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 21, 2020, 04:34:12 PM
Dating Advice

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee
shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and
he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and
what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and
all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster,
champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . .
let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns
into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress
and has his way with me.... two times!"  :eek:

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are t elling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"  :confused:

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 21, 2020, 05:41:56 PM
I wonder, do Dorothy, Edna & Joe live in the Villages?   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 21, 2020, 07:26:09 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89773731_1345254752350795_4103619532231278592_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmE2OqlreDVwXoUMNGRIrFYRJq_kBP0DqdDF9NBBcbr5Zlgxh0pP0sNPjwVBX3CnN3rLvP1wqPb-ziPifRnhupN&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=8ef36740bf5caf87338a7678d5db3119&oe=5E9B2FE2)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on March 21, 2020, 07:42:31 PM
Ken, I find that is not funny but sad... "those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it"
Although "500 porcupines" did make me chuckle.
Stoopid kids.


The "Ramones conquered the Geeks"!!!      HaHaHa!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on March 21, 2020, 07:45:13 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89773731_1345254752350795_4103619532231278592_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmE2OqlreDVwXoUMNGRIrFYRJq_kBP0DqdDF9NBBcbr5Zlgxh0pP0sNPjwVBX3CnN3rLvP1wqPb-ziPifRnhupN&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=8ef36740bf5caf87338a7678d5db3119&oe=5E9B2FE2)




Now,Kris,    THIS would be "living on the edge"! LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 21, 2020, 07:56:08 PM
Lil Johnny strikes again...

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly suxs the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then suxs the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and suxs out the inside."

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on March 21, 2020, 09:29:57 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89773731_1345254752350795_4103619532231278592_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmE2OqlreDVwXoUMNGRIrFYRJq_kBP0DqdDF9NBBcbr5Zlgxh0pP0sNPjwVBX3CnN3rLvP1wqPb-ziPifRnhupN&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=8ef36740bf5caf87338a7678d5db3119&oe=5E9B2FE2)

Now that is keeping your sense of humor!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on March 21, 2020, 09:42:56 PM
NOOOOO!  Tater, i can't find tortillas anywhere.  i'll trade a roll of t.p. for a package of tortillas!

Last night when I went to the store right before closing all they had on the bread isle was tortillas. I would guess they had about 200 packages, I just bought two. The Meat case looked normal and so did produce, the frozen section was about half full, the Cereal isle was pretty full with no empty spots. Pasta was gone, flour and sugar were gone, all canned veggies gone except for mushrooms, and all paper products were gone. I was told they are Temporally hiring all retirees that want to work, Nah, I'm good.   
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 21, 2020, 09:52:22 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90574569_3670854612956900_8779651148664537088_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQl1PrBfZjI1A0asY4QpoRC63MzI-uBlixm_nEjUAUp21jSKm3HdESeKGAbOvg-YAVQNL_aY7hq-qNR-XKzrSLJd&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=c3862cb96f2eab86ea235652a4ed1711&oe=5E9DA894)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on March 21, 2020, 09:59:15 PM
The dry ones, if you please  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 21, 2020, 11:35:03 PM
That is so naughty!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 22, 2020, 07:18:18 AM
Barber Humor

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can
get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours". The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left. A week later thesame guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour and half."

The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a
favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 22, 2020, 01:48:21 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90633016_1347971685412435_4590076328564228096_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQnN4Cd_TcmC-8Km-jkui91pzPZQj6bpnaMkR6CAHA8VIzM5UQFEaD8a4Uqt7VOPqj9UmqIvW6R6leggPg7TZxXq&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=7fca235a00a73b1d91d8676f0e9e544d&oe=5E9D41AF)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 22, 2020, 02:25:00 PM
Lost my cool today. I was just in Walmart and saw a dude whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizer, baby wipes, liquid soap, and toilet paper. So you know I called him a selfish &#@#$^ and gave him the lowdown about the elderly, people with kids, and disabled people who need this stuff!!. Told him I ought to stomp his butt. I could not believe Walmart was letting him get away with this! What happened to the limits? What happened to only 2 per person or whatever?

Then he said:
“Are you done? Because I really need to get back to restocking the shelves now!!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on March 22, 2020, 03:13:38 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90633016_1347971685412435_4590076328564228096_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQnN4Cd_TcmC-8Km-jkui91pzPZQj6bpnaMkR6CAHA8VIzM5UQFEaD8a4Uqt7VOPqj9UmqIvW6R6leggPg7TZxXq&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=7fca235a00a73b1d91d8676f0e9e544d&oe=5E9D41AF)

I'm at a loss for words. And even if I could speak, my ribs hurt too much and I've laughed myself hoarse.   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 22, 2020, 04:00:54 PM
Jerry you got me laughing on that one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: 7624452 on March 23, 2020, 12:26:29 AM
I got this in an email from bug assault - free tp with purchase.   ;D
Title: To early for virus jokes?
Post by: bavaria55n on March 23, 2020, 10:18:32 AM
Hear about the suicide bomber working from home?
42 family members dead

I have a virus joke for you but
Never mind, you won’t get it

if the virus lasts into tick season, we will have Corona with Lyme.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 23, 2020, 01:02:24 PM
why did the chicken go to the seance?            to get to the other side.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 23, 2020, 07:09:50 PM
I'm so upset right now... I left the house this morning to go and get something to eat. Got back to the house and there are 3 state trooper cars and 6 troopers in my house. The front door is knocked off the hinges, stuff everywhere, and apparently they are looking for something. So we're stuck outside with this state trooper and the others are inside searching through everything, even our laundry. They are going through everything and tearing stuff apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm fuming, and I'm trying figure out what's going on. I asked if they had a search warrant, and if I could see it. The state trooper in my bedroom yells, "Where did you hide it at? We know it's here! We are searching, you wanna go to jail?" So I shut up and watched one of the other state troopers look down at his phone, and shouts, "Guys Stop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house! The toilet paper is next door!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 23, 2020, 08:13:07 PM
Now that is a good one!
Thank you maraudinglizard.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on March 23, 2020, 10:11:57 PM
Saw the local safety store today with a sign out front "we have toilet paper".  A month ago I would have thought it strange.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on March 23, 2020, 11:33:39 PM
Juan: "Pedro, we have no more toothpicks!

Pedro: "Don't look at me like that, bro, I always return them after use."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 24, 2020, 09:56:32 AM
My friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup.
the nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD.

"No," said the teen. "We have a Toyota."


------------------------------------

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RedFeather on March 24, 2020, 03:50:17 PM
The one, above, about reaming out a guy for a cart full of hand sanitizer? My brother-in-law said his nephew's new bride in New Jersey actually did exactly that, for real.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on March 24, 2020, 03:53:58 PM
Cop: why are you ignoring the stay-at-home order?

Me: because I’m an essential employee.

Cop: [with sarcasm] I suppose your also the King of England. Do you know how many times I’ve heard that excuse? Okay, smart @@@, what do you do?

Me: I make toilet paper.

Cop: have a nice day and please drive safe, sir.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 24, 2020, 05:36:19 PM
The one, above, about reaming out a guy for a cart full of hand sanitizer? My brother-in-law said his nephew's new bride in New Jersey actually did exactly that, for real.

But was the guy stocking shelves?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lani52 on March 24, 2020, 08:59:54 PM
Poor spellers of the world, untie!

Roachcreek
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 24, 2020, 09:41:51 PM
"you're not a good speller if you can only spell a work one way"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 24, 2020, 11:41:36 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/p960x960/90585462_1350381468504790_3832901683365543936_o.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQk-Mvq9Tp8jGPSqXYbZoAcAl9TPDf3RToxKqaH-TQcWSufalyY4BfkMTjLvuJJnKyJ5AL1rgq4-3mq2_zT7HiI4&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&_nc_tp=6&oh=79795bdae5745c5637df13913fd704f0&oe=5E9F9442)

(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90651362_1349653268577610_7420206837414232064_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQlDjok7J2mc19sGNuysQQBqagmzMhI1N9ComvbXrU7pPJ-tU5GE5E3SqYitES4dSQ4NbLdNvli-qoes10NSsoDN&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=a88f10bd8fe1f2e045ee86fff7d89475&oe=5EA15045)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 25, 2020, 09:49:45 AM
Fortune Teller

A woman goes to visit a fortune-teller. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the
fortuneteller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then
down
at
her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She
simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied
her voice, and asked her question:
















"Will I be found guilty?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 25, 2020, 10:50:18 AM
Little Johnny AND Airguns...

Little Johnny plays “shoot the apple from the head” with his friends.
 The first shot lands directly in his eye. “Ooowww man, you got me right in the eye!” he complains to his friend.

But the other friend also wants a go and persuades Johnny that he is a much better shot....
But bingo, the second shot gets Johnny in the other eye.

Johnny gives up: “Well I’ve had it with this game, I’m going home.
 Mom said I should come back once it gets dark anyway.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 25, 2020, 07:42:35 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90599532_1350474758495461_5659992728272896000_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQkU8bKnD04gl8KU5HMg-MEqJ3Jf15VvfZPfR4LfM3PUzxQb0uoTQ70M-iICgN7n7qm-lv2ZOZbZELI0Ol0OmSZE&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=28d2bf2e28facb51772f520e9b7fc5f0&oe=5EA0B22C)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 25, 2020, 07:55:22 PM
Not Your Average 1st Grader

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"


Harry: "9."



Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"


Harry: "36."


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.


The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"


Harry, after a moment: "Legs."


Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"


Harry: "Pants."


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"


Harry: "Coconut."


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"


The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"


Harry: "Shake hands."


The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"


Harry: "Firetruck."


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last SEVEN QUESTIONS WRONG!!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 25, 2020, 08:58:24 PM
CLASSIC!
BRAVO!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 27, 2020, 08:01:46 AM
Quite Amazing

Man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "And you dear?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man lets out a big sigh , pauses, and then answers,
"Well ... My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ^&* and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The Ostrich says, "thats right"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on March 27, 2020, 06:17:19 PM
This one!!! LMBO!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 27, 2020, 06:54:29 PM
Mike, that reminded me of this... may have already been posted, but what the heck... Good jokes get repeated.

GENIE :

A man walks into a bar.

He wears a charcoal gray suit, a charcoal hat, charcoal socks, black leather shoes, and a silver Porsche watch on the wrist of the hand that carries a rather large briefcase, which he carefully sets down before straddling a stool and addressing the bartender.

"A Knob Creek Manhattan, up," the man says.

"Sure thing, buddy."

As the bartender turns his back to mix the drink, the contents of the briefcase are emptied, and when he returns, serving the drink on a square napkin, he sees spread out on the shiny wooden bar top a miniature piano, a tiny piano stool to scale, and atop it a little man, 12 inches tall, playing faint music that sounds like Brahms' Piano Concerto 2 in B flat major.

"Well I'll be darn," the bartender says. "Where did you get a little guy like that?" He hunches over to scrutinize the musician more closely. "Look at those long, tiny fingers!"

The man, having gulped half his drink, says nothing, but the bartender presses him, and finally he erupts. "It's a long story," the man says. "But it all started with this magic lamp." At this he reaches back into the briefcase, produces in his diminutive hands a small, golden lamp, and shoves it toward the bartender, who yanks the towel from his waist and begins polishing.

POOOF!

When the smoke clears, a genie is revealed hovering in the air between the man and the bartender. "You've got one wish," the genie demands. "Use it or lose it."

The bartender stammers. "I'll be," he says, feeling rushed. "Well I guess I wish for... I wish for... I wish for $10 million bucks!"

POOOF!

The genie is gone.

The bar is quiet, except for the faint sound of Brahms rising from the bar top, and the bartender, regaining his composure, starts to worry.

"Hey, what about my wish," he says. "Nothing happened."

But that very moment, over at the open door, a fluttering is heard, and then a quack, and in waddles a duck, followed by a second duck, and a third -- and soon the bar is filling with a badelynge, a bunch, a brace, a grouse, a whole flock of quacking mallards. They stream in without end.

"Now wait just a minute," the bartender cries. "I see what's happening here! I didn't wish for a million ducks! I wished for a million bucks!"

The man, world weary, sighs knowingly.

"Do you think," he said, "that I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 28, 2020, 11:47:58 AM

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an old lady, entered Dr. Mike
Wilson's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"All right," said the good doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your
clothes off."

"No, no, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said Dr. Wilson. "Madam, stick out your tongue.”
**********************************************************

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants
played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total
number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement:

"The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28
years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85
years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."


------------------------------------

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with
everyone who doesn't have it.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 29, 2020, 11:35:05 AM

I dusted the house once.
It came back.
Not falling for that again.

------------------------------------

I've been counting calories for six months now. I don't know about my
waistline, but my arithmetic's improving.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 30, 2020, 05:32:17 PM
Why Chief, Why
A Catholic Priest was about to leave His Mission in the jungles where he has
spent a year teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in
the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he had spent a year
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he
kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 30, 2020, 07:17:17 PM
Well of course... I would do the same to find someone riding my bike!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on March 30, 2020, 11:05:59 PM
Why doesn’t anyone one in Antarctica have COVID-19?


Cuz they’re ICE-olated!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 31, 2020, 12:38:42 AM
Cause of Arthritis

A drunken man, smelling heavily of beer sat down on a tube train next to a Priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered his response, "Well, I'll be darn," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 31, 2020, 07:47:29 AM
Have a great day.

(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/91727531_4254431404582527_6316613680742006784_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQlopOkH9Ii0OqnI01QcnJrfKBrTkqg8jAhe1e7Oby97xBjDJ6JrwVcWsE4zlkBid9G0HIv_sKmuOKY1zxAMMpt_&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=c596a995a1530157d9382c4c96bf6907&oe=5EA8C7BF)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on March 31, 2020, 10:42:53 AM
My friend used to have a Stihl “s” bar, but he had trouble throwing the chain too. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 31, 2020, 10:47:50 AM
Remember when you were young and couldn’t wait to do what ever you wanted when ever you wanted?
How is that working out for you?



How many boxes of thin mints do you have to eat before you start seeing results?


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 31, 2020, 03:58:06 PM
A social worker from Ohio who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
'Anybody home?' he asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?
''Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.
This is the outhouse!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on March 31, 2020, 04:13:56 PM
Have a great day.

(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/91727531_4254431404582527_6316613680742006784_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQlopOkH9Ii0OqnI01QcnJrfKBrTkqg8jAhe1e7Oby97xBjDJ6JrwVcWsE4zlkBid9G0HIv_sKmuOKY1zxAMMpt_&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=c596a995a1530157d9382c4c96bf6907&oe=5EA8C7BF)



That's a show stopper for sure, but you probably had another chainsaw to cut out another stuck saw if needed.  At least I always run with two saws.  Glad no one got in the way of what caused this chain bar art.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 31, 2020, 06:02:10 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90965795_10158216974099169_5224963934766759936_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQnPi8vTaAaNBFHwIlexQZH_EEsWzSJg0zf6eR49CLM0-sdv_j2OkBCgPbAVc0j9i8DaKxX_SfnnxXCQw4TMyjOg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=7b6dcf6de39b103b707bd64e2076d7cb&oe=5EA95325)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 31, 2020, 06:27:59 PM
Love it Kris.... hoping that this is closer to the truth... or maybe not!  :( :o


(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTb0-CYxVoUVJATRHxrk_qScQYxf46XIHhkyUvIeKweKefuM-xd&usqp=CAU)

(https://townsquare.media/site/698/files/2015/02/8-Track-Tape.jpg?w=630&q=75)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on March 31, 2020, 06:33:24 PM
Love it Kris.... hoping that this is closer to the truth... or maybe not!  :( :o


(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTb0-CYxVoUVJATRHxrk_qScQYxf46XIHhkyUvIeKweKefuM-xd&usqp=CAU)

(https://townsquare.media/site/698/files/2015/02/8-Track-Tape.jpg?w=630&q=75)

darn...had both of those albums on LP.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 31, 2020, 06:41:41 PM
Scott, I had a mechanic buddy tell about a repair he had a while back, some kid had a late 70's vehicle with cassette player in it, the problem was that the kid thought it was a cell phone docking port and could not get the phone out of it. Needless to say the phone did not survive. ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 31, 2020, 06:49:53 PM
HA! That reminds me of when my "then young" daughter stuck her PBJ sandwich into our Betamax.  :o

Wendell... I still have vinyl... lots of them , and a turntable... I hear they are making a comeback.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on March 31, 2020, 08:14:59 PM
HA! That reminds me of when my "then young" daughter stuck her PBJ sandwich into our Betamax.  :o

Wendell... I still have vinyl... lots of them , and a turntable... I hear they are making a comeback.


If they're scratchy,you could always hang them as targets! :o :o

(don't play them backwards..it's devil music!)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 31, 2020, 08:22:16 PM

If they're scratchy,you could always hang them as targets! :o :o

(don't play them backwards..it's devil music!)


I am so old, I used '78's as targets.  ::)
Yep, they shattered very well but would now probably worth a fortune.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 31, 2020, 08:27:27 PM
Think I told this before but what the heck...

These two men are walking through the woods one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like some sort of endless pit. So the one man says to the other, “I wonder how deep this hole is?”

He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the humongous hole. They listen... nothing. The other man then grabs a large stick and throws it in.... Nothing.

At this point the two men are really intrigued over this large hole. So they look around a little for something bigger to throw in, and they come across an old big anvil. They both grab an end, walk it over to the hole, and throw it in.

The men are looking down the hole when all of a sudden they hear this noise in the woods. They look over and see this goat running all over the place. It’s zigging and zagging between trees and going all over the place. Then it runs right up, passes them, and dives straight into the hole.

Now the two men are thinking, what the HECK was THAT? They had no idea what that goat was doing. So they decide to just keep walking.

A little ways down they run into a farmer, and the farmer asks them if they’d seen his goat. The two men tell him that they saw a goat come running out of the woods and jump into this huge hole. But the farmer says that couldn’t have been his, cause he tied his goat to an anvil.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on March 31, 2020, 08:51:14 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90965795_10158216974099169_5224963934766759936_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQnPi8vTaAaNBFHwIlexQZH_EEsWzSJg0zf6eR49CLM0-sdv_j2OkBCgPbAVc0j9i8DaKxX_SfnnxXCQw4TMyjOg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=7b6dcf6de39b103b707bd64e2076d7cb&oe=5EA95325)

AH! The "GOOD OL' DAYS"! 8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on March 31, 2020, 09:02:37 PM
 I remember driving down a back road in the 70's and following a tape out of an 8 track for what seemed like miles,strung along the side of the road ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 31, 2020, 09:11:46 PM
True... but because it was always on "Repeat" it lasted a lot longer if you left it in the Craig underdash player. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Vee3 on April 01, 2020, 03:00:54 AM
(https://www.watchtalkforums.info/forums/attachments/210231d1584052465-moonshine.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 01, 2020, 05:47:43 AM
Just seen a news report about the stresses and strains of self isolation. It reported that people are going crazy from being in lock down!
It was strange, actually, because I had just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down. She said everything will be fine, which surprised me because she’s usually the first one to apply unnecessary pressure and get steamed up over nothing !!! I think she might have been sneaking off to the medicine cabinet. Just a bit of humor to lighten the news. Have great day. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 01, 2020, 06:04:02 AM
Thanks Kris, much needed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 01, 2020, 09:55:57 AM
I remember driving down a back road in the 70's and following a tape out of an 8 track for what seemed like miles,strung along the side of the road ::)

You were driving in a circle!

Now if you understood that you may just be an old fart!  ;D  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 01, 2020, 10:53:45 AM
A forester often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines.
Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs
that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out...This Means
You!" Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial,
cooperative landowner.

When he was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again
sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way.”
*******************************************************************

An airhead standing by the river sees another airhead on the opposite bank.

Airhead #1: "Yoo-hoo! Hello over there! How can I get to the other side of
the river?"

Airhead #2: "Idiot -- you ARE on the other side."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bob H. on April 01, 2020, 11:01:23 AM
I think maybe,,,we folks,,, are passing through that,,, "old fart" stage.

BobH.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on April 01, 2020, 11:53:10 AM
I remember driving down a back road in the 70's and following a tape out of an 8 track for what seemed like miles,strung along the side of the road ::)

You were driving in a circle!

Now if you understood that you may just be an old fart!  ;D  :P


HaHaHa!  I came to the conclusion that someones player ATE the tape, and they had to 'cut' it to get it out. Then they left a trail to find their way back. :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on April 01, 2020, 12:46:24 PM
why didn't the earthling go to the party on venus?                    bad atmosphere.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on April 01, 2020, 02:39:01 PM

If they're scratchy,you could always hang them as targets! :o :o

(don't play them backwards..it's devil music!)


I am so old, I used '78's as targets.  ::)
Yep, they shattered very well but would now probably worth a fortune.
When I was 7 years old (1961) our family visited relatives in Scranton PA. Unbeknownst to our parents a neighborhood boy my age took me on a forbidden tour of abandoned coal mines in the area (dangerous days back then, little did I know). Anywho we wandered upon an open pit used at the time as a garbage dump. We came across a vast pile of old 78's, probably from a local record station. Literally hundreds, if not a thousand or more intact 78's were piled on top of each other. Also in the dump rummaged countless numbers of the biggest rats I'd ever seen. That was the day I'm pretty sure the reactive frisbee was invented. Shattered 78's and hysterical rats everywhere. I was in bliss.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 02, 2020, 03:16:16 AM
We‘re 2 weeks into self-isolation & it’s very upsetting to see my wife at the living room window gazing into space with tears rolling down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart. I’ve thought hard about how I can cheer her up.

I've even considered letting her in, but rules are rules!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 02, 2020, 08:17:48 AM
Hard Earned $300.  This biker bellied up to the bar moaning and groaning about how bad he needed $300. The bartender says,
"Hey, I've got a few chores I need done and if you take care of them, I'll give you $300."
The biker says, "You will?"
Bartender says, "Sure but one of them is urgent so make up your mind."
The biker says, "well, yeah sure, what do you need done?"
"First of all there's a loudmouth drunk in the next room that I need bounced out, Then my pet alligator needs to have one of her teeth pulled and last, my mother-in-law is upstairs and hasn't had a man in 3 years and needs some TLC."
"okay, no prob." The biker bounces the drunk out without breaking a sweat and says, point me to the alligator."
The bartendere says, "Out back." and was getting nervous when the biker hadn't shown back up for over an hour but finally he walked back in all scratched up and clothes all torn. He said, "Dude, that was one tough chore but I finally got it done, now where's that woman with the bad tooth?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on April 02, 2020, 02:48:07 PM
Hard Earned $300.  This biker bellied up to the bar moaning and groaning about how bad he needed $300. The bartender says,
"Hey, I've got a few chores I need done and if you take care of them, I'll give you $300."
The biker says, "You will?"
Bartender says, "Sure but one of them is urgent so make up your mind."
The biker says, "well, yeah sure, what do you need done?"
"First of all there's a loudmouth drunk in the next room that I need bounced out, Then my pet alligator needs to have one of her teeth pulled and last, my mother-in-law is upstairs and hasn't had a man in 3 years and needs some TLC."
"okay, no prob." The biker bounces the drunk out without breaking a sweat and says, point me to the alligator."
The bartendere says, "Out back." and was getting nervous when the biker hadn't shown back up for over an hour but finally he walked back in all scratched up and clothes all torn. He said, "Dude, that was one tough chore but I finally got it done, now where's that woman with the bad tooth?"

I’ve never heard this joke told so clean before lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 02, 2020, 05:47:59 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/91512670_2338273423131758_6159217169591697408_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQmMdzRL1rXLqKguIkGgfI_gQgShArLne3y1Otqbm13-x-mx0E7XBs7D2Qy1n20lPcd4CyI5ovUarAW2haYVAdkP&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=d0c2b2bff94d060e6126bc729ec3fa17&oe=5EAB9A94)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 02, 2020, 08:24:26 PM
I’ve never heard this joke told so clean before lol

I was going to post the exact same thing...
Bravo!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on April 02, 2020, 10:08:01 PM
I just sneezed on my laptop and Norton started a deep virus scan.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 02, 2020, 11:18:06 PM
I Think My Wife is Dead

Two 90 year old men are sitting in rocking chairs puffing on cigars, when the first old man says
"I think my wife is dead!"
The other old timer asks ''What do you mean by "I think my wife is dead"??
"Well," says the first old man while slowly rocking in his chair..." The SEX is still about the same, but the dishes keep piling up!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 03, 2020, 11:07:26 AM
You Might Be An Engineer If...

* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

* You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into binary.

* You can't remember what's behind the door at the lab that says "Exit."

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

* The blinking 12:00 or wrong time on someone's microwave draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've even calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on April 03, 2020, 12:12:19 PM
* The salesperson at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.



they can't answer anyone's questions
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on April 03, 2020, 12:26:37 PM
pretty lady at the furniture store tried to sell me a bedroom set, but i was only looking for one nightstand.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 03, 2020, 02:39:24 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/91903959_10221438440331250_8025126111740428288_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQnZmxf55b-1EB1PxBzLR3Lm00-AhEUCQbYmnjJO36ymsMSV3HvYnoLyOsDIZWw_jYNcRsvd4RQ-FWCp7F6lK0oR&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=2ed0e736b88aa97e9b485dff9dc94785&oe=5EAD9317)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on April 03, 2020, 08:56:40 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/91903959_10221438440331250_8025126111740428288_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQnZmxf55b-1EB1PxBzLR3Lm00-AhEUCQbYmnjJO36ymsMSV3HvYnoLyOsDIZWw_jYNcRsvd4RQ-FWCp7F6lK0oR&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=2ed0e736b88aa97e9b485dff9dc94785&oe=5EAD9317)

6 feet is a small alligator in Florida, I remember my days on the St johns river and Lake George in a 16 foot canoe seeing gators that were longer than my canoe. ??? :o

BD 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 03, 2020, 09:02:52 PM
Posted that on my office door today.
Thank you!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 03, 2020, 09:10:14 PM
Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?
Wife: He takes everything literally.  I can’t stand it.
Husband: My truck.



I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 03, 2020, 09:25:13 PM
6 feet is a small alligator in Florida, I remember my days on the St johns river and Lake George in a 16 foot canoe seeing gators that were longer than my canoe. ??? :o
BD

I fished and hunted Lake George most of my life and have seen the big ones on that lake. One of the gator hunts years ago harvested one that was 13ft and 900lbs. Helicopter pilot flying over Lake George caught this one swimming with a deer in it's mouth.

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9d/e6/3d/9de63d362a049055b2646ebc41417c6d.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 03, 2020, 10:08:24 PM
A wife on her deathbed:

An old man is at his wife's deathbed in their home.

The old woman whispers to her husband.

"My husband, I want to show you something before I pass."

The husband replies "what is it my dear? I'll do anything you ask.."

"I want you to open the chest locker at the foot of the bed that I always kept locked."

"I will! I've always wondered what was in there."

The old man opens the chest and inside is $50,000 and 3 ears of corn.

"I have to ask honey, why is there 3 ears of corn in there."

"Well," the old woman answered. "Every time I committed adultery I would put an ear of corn in the chest."

"Oh, I forgive you my love, it's been 60 years. But why the $50 thousand?"

"When I collected a bushel, I sold it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DesertWalker on April 03, 2020, 11:31:52 PM
6 feet is a small alligator in Florida, I remember my days on the St johns river and Lake George in a 16 foot canoe seeing gators that were longer than my canoe. ??? :o
BD

I fished and hunted Lake George most of my life and have seen the big ones on that lake. One of the gator hunts years ago harvested one that was 13ft and 900lbs. Helicopter pilot flying over Lake George caught this one swimming with a deer in it's mouth.

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9d/e6/3d/9de63d362a049055b2646ebc41417c6d.jpg)

Lived in Florida for a few years as a kid. In Kissimmiee. Being a 5th generation native of CO, we learned real fast why you don't put fish on a stringer, along with that every body of water has gators and snakes, and more than likely gar.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on April 04, 2020, 01:25:34 AM
6 feet is a small alligator in Florida, I remember my days on the St johns river and Lake George in a 16 foot canoe seeing gators that were longer than my canoe. ??? :o
BD

I fished and hunted Lake George most of my life and have seen the big ones on that lake. One of the gator hunts years ago harvested one that was 13ft and 900lbs. Helicopter pilot flying over Lake George caught this one swimming with a deer in it's mouth.

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9d/e6/3d/9de63d362a049055b2646ebc41417c6d.jpg)

Lived in Florida for a few years as a kid. In Kissimmiee. Being a 5th generation native of CO, we learned real fast why you don't put fish on a stringer, along with that every body of water has gators and snakes, and more than likely gar.

Yep agreed on every body of water or swamp in Florida has gators, snakes and gar and have caught most all of the various species as a kid in central Florida area lakes and rivers.

I bet that aerial view of the gator with the deer in its mouth is one of the grandkids of some of those big gators I saw when camping and boating out of Silver Glen Springs off lake George back when it was still a privately owned spring/campground. Spent a lot of years in Ocala National forest as well.

BD 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on April 04, 2020, 02:55:48 AM
Shrink:  Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness?

New Patient:  No.  Actually; we rather enjoy it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on April 04, 2020, 02:56:57 AM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 04, 2020, 11:18:05 AM
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann
Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.

He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance,
and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally, he turned to his
escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous
author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really?" Remarked the tourist. "I never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check" was the reply.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on April 04, 2020, 01:00:35 PM
knock knock!


who's there?


cash.


cash who?


you're such a nut!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 05, 2020, 02:34:05 AM
What’s This Shotgun For?

This woman is drinking her coffee and reading the morning paper and sees an article about the gorrilla that escaped from the zoo. She happens to glance outside and sees the gorilla in a tree in her front yard. She checks the yellow pages and there is only one "gorilla catcher" listed so she calls him and he comes right over. He opens his van and takes out a big cage, a pit bull, a baseball bat and a shotgun which he hands to her. She asks about all the equipment and how its all going to go down and why is she holding a shotgun.
He says, "I'm going to climb up and use this bat to knock the gorilla out of the tree. This pit bull is specially trained to grab him by the nads and hold him till I get back down to lock him up." She says, "Well, that sounds like a pretty good plan but what's this shotgun for?"
He says, "Lady, if that gorilla knocks ME outta that tree, you shoot that "dang" dog."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on April 06, 2020, 02:37:56 PM
Sorry if this is a repost:

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Thank you! I'll be here all week!

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 06, 2020, 05:59:24 PM
(https://forum.snipershide.com/attachments/tp-man-jpg.7292055/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 06, 2020, 08:24:42 PM
City Lawyer vs Bubba

A slick, big-city lawyer from the Northeast runs a stop sign in a small, backwoods Southern town and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than Bubba, the deputy, because he is certain that he can outsmart him since has a much higher IQ and a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense...........



The deputy says, “License and registration, please.”


The lawyer replies, “What for?”


Deputy: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign “


Lawyer: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”



Deputy: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”


Lawyer: “What’s the difference?”



Deputy: “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”



Lawyer: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go without a ticket.”



Deputy: “OK, exit your vehicle, sir.” At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-living &^^& out of the lawyer. Then, he says,


”DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 06, 2020, 08:27:25 PM
^CLASSIC^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on April 06, 2020, 08:33:44 PM
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Reminds me of this one:

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM the following day.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on April 07, 2020, 10:15:24 AM
Delivery options. (https://thumbs.gfycat.com/GeneralDarkAustrianpinscher-size_restricted.gif)

-Whirligig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Airspace on April 07, 2020, 05:25:09 PM
A chicken, a pig and a cow walk into a BBQ joint....










The End!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 07, 2020, 05:37:54 PM
Delivery options. (https://thumbs.gfycat.com/GeneralDarkAustrianpinscher-size_restricted.gif)

-Whirligig

I love the FedEx elbow drop at the end.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 07, 2020, 05:38:13 PM
Delivery options. (https://thumbs.gfycat.com/GeneralDarkAustrianpinscher-size_restricted.gif)

-Whirligig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 07, 2020, 06:55:57 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/92210071_1359252707617666_439617704068907008_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQkwM_Mt1G3-5s7eIB6Zq371tCkiSWNXEti_vcb6ZE-JLbDxEohxLWZ0LQ6UqQR3BujOERfWsCkmNr0MIzB3rPnA&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=4585f090d6f6065f9c5e1d211c160ce0&oe=5EB0CB8A)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RedFeather on April 08, 2020, 12:08:47 AM
Where can I get the T-shirt? Oh, I'm wearing it.....
.... on my face. 😷
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 08, 2020, 02:55:46 AM
Chuck Norris has been exposed to the Corona virus.
The virus is in quarantine for two weeks.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 08, 2020, 09:00:20 PM
Bad Boys

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on April 09, 2020, 02:17:12 AM
Mike, I laugh my butt off on your Bad Boys. Good one.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 09, 2020, 07:14:25 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/92566270_1360922370784033_3505710890072670208_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQkeAyTapqDniRzKQKFUANQtRlIn76nxi-R9njAgcpyynMWsUNEUZ4AZJ8Ez8heB-Vo&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=0f6eb6d34faf3ea2dabca3ba8c09dc70&oe=5EB56A6B)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 09, 2020, 02:30:49 PM
Some quarantine humor:

* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

* I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

* I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

* Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

* PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

* Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

* I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

* So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

* Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

* Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

* I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

* I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

* Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

* Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Airspace on April 09, 2020, 02:46:20 PM
Just a bit of pet humor
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on April 10, 2020, 12:21:21 AM
An 85 year old couple is celebrating their age and 60 years of marriage with their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. The husband says to his wife, "We've been married and loved each other for so long...so tell me the truth and I'll understand.  Why do Charlie our 3rd child of 7 look so different than his siblings?"  The wife's face turned bright red and she bowed her head in shame.  After a few moments she managed to look up and whispered to her husband, "He's yours".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on April 10, 2020, 01:21:17 AM
Stanley, didn't see that one coming.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on April 10, 2020, 01:24:58 AM
Jerry, I sent this one to all my friends.   My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 10, 2020, 07:07:23 AM
Congratulations!

San Diego, California...

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 10, 2020, 07:28:16 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/92017406_1363550837187853_2979335675553251328_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQkCLedq1ETXlh4tHXyNUz9sWuFP30f547NTyDO6PgjM9eqysNrYXhCHYlAqgCXzz5M&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=178d52af121c7c1bfb8edcf85ea48964&oe=5EB73D1B)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on April 10, 2020, 06:14:05 PM
Kris, that's why people were hoarding toilet paper....it was for Sat on a turdday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 11, 2020, 07:25:43 AM
Back Hills Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 11, 2020, 11:44:24 AM
Cat for Sale

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”
 
The owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”


Sarcastic Al Says:
 
Thanks once again to autocorrect, my sister's kids are expecting the Easter Rabbi tomorrow.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RedFeather on April 11, 2020, 06:46:59 PM

Ole and Sven go to *(&^ (long)
One day, Satan was walking through *(&^, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for winter in *(&^.

Ole says, "Vell yah know, ve're from Minnesota, a land of ice and snow and cold. Ve're just happy to finally be varm for a change."

Satan tries to reply, but can't think of anything, and so walks away scratching his head. Finally he gets an idea. So they want to be warm, do they? He goes over to *(&^'s thermostat and turns the dial up a few notches. "That'll show those Minnesotans," Satan said with a smile.

The next day, *(&^ was experiencing a heat wave, and the screams of the tormented were even louder. Music to Satan's ears. As he's wandering through on his daily round, he again comes upon Ole and Sven, who are now sitting with their gloves off and parkas unzipped. Satan is flabbergasted, and asks them why they're still wearing their winter gear.

"Vell," Sven says, "ve're still a bit chilly, but dis here heat vave is nice, yah know. Gonna be a good summer in *(&^ dis year, yah?"

Satan throws up his hands and leaves. I'll show 'em this time, he thinks. He heads back to *(&^'s thermostat, and rips the cover off of it. After tweaking a couple wires, he cranks the dial as high as it'll go. "That'll fix 'em", he said confidently.

The next day, *(&^ is blazing. Even Satan himself is sweating waterfalls as he seeks out Ole and Sven to witness their suffering. He finally finds them and is shocked by what he sees. Next to a lava pool, Ole and Sven are wearing jeans and t-shirts, standing next to an open grill and laughing as they drink beers.

"What the *(&^ are you doing??!" Satan cries as he walks up to them.

Ole notices him and says, "Vell, ven da veather gets varn like dis, you gotta have a fish fry. Can't let nice days like dis go to vaste, don'cha know."

"Gahh!" Satan screams as he pulls on his horns and storms away. There's gotta be a way to get them, he thinks, but what? Then he remembers what Ole said about where they were from. Maybe I've been approaching their torment wrong, Satan thinks with a smile. He goes back to *(&^'s thermostat, and this time, cranks the dial as low as it'll go. I've got them this time, Satan thinks.

The next day, *(&^ is coated in ice. The lava pools have frozen over, gigantic icicles hang from the ceiling, and the tormented souls are shivering too much to cry in pain. Even the demons are visibly uncomfortable.

Satan skips with glee through *(&^, intent on finding the Minnesotans and finally seeing them suffer. He finally finds them, and just stops. Before him, Ole and Sven are back in their winter gear, but they're dancing around and cheering.

Satan finally snaps. "First you love the heat, and now you love the cold?" he said. "What is wrong with you Minnesotans??"

Sven stops cheering long enough to say, "Don'cha know? *(&^ froze over! Dat means da Vikings von da Superbowl!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 13, 2020, 10:49:08 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/92824144_2347057472253353_4465198363431665664_n.png?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn_h5L0OgtjIqKCZ-g4vIh1jSGDklLLtMuUDL0fYlv151S-P1swN9psg7-Z5JPZCFM&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=2d1b7880148540401a0d240a321a738d&oe=5EB97FD3)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on April 13, 2020, 10:51:53 PM
$1 to $100 bills are the exception.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 14, 2020, 11:58:18 AM
Elephants Never Forget

UPI July 3, 2006

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's
foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the
foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn
out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put
down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather
stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man
stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked
away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that
day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with
his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at
the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't
help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare
at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant
and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk
around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth
along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on April 14, 2020, 07:53:09 PM
So there was a Summit in Saudi Arabia, lots of world leaders were there, a few fringe interest groups were there too, so were Hillary, Ivanka, Ophra, Michelle and Ellen.  When the chance arose and they had a quiet moment, Hillary and the ladies spoke to a few Arabs, "We notice all your women walk behind you, we in the West allow our women to choose to walk in front, beside or behind the men".  Ivanka added, "If you want to enter the 21st century, your women should be your equals".   A few of the Arab men nodded.  Well, 1/2 a year later in the follow up Summit...again in Saudi Arabia, Hillary and the ladies were overjoyed to see all the women everywhere walking in front of the men.  Ophra said to the Arab men, "We're really impressed with this progressive change".  Michelle added, "We welcome you into the 21st century".  Ellen questioned, "Did our little talked during the last meeting influenced this?"  One of the Arab men replied, "No...it's the landmines".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 14, 2020, 09:41:34 PM
At first I was was wondering how this could not be "political"... but then I read it through to the punch line!
BRAVO!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on April 14, 2020, 10:33:28 PM
Hoosier Daddy   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 16, 2020, 10:30:09 AM
New CEO

"A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a
tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and
asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

"A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, 'I make
$300.00 a week. Why?' The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and
screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

"Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?'

"From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 16, 2020, 11:07:13 AM
From "A Treasury for CAT LOVERS" by Richard Lederer (C) 2009 Howard Books
Received from Richard Lederer via Stan Kegel.

Have You Heard About These Cats?

- the angry cat? She threw a hissy fit.

- the grumpy cat? He was a sour puss.

- the silent cat? She was the victim of a purr snatcher.

- the psychic cat? He was adopted from the E.S.P.C.A.

- the sensitive cat? She cried over spilt milk.

- the dyslexic cat? He cried, "Woem, weom!"

- the cat who had eight kittens? She was an octopus.

- the cowardly felines? Their names were Scaredy and Fraidy.

- the cat who swallowed a duck? He was a down-in-the-mouth, duck-filled
fatty puss.

- the cat who had a hair ball? She couldn't hack it.

- the cat who was a comedian? His name was Groucho Manx.

- the old cat who became forgetful and stopped making any sounds? She
developed a purr-senility disorder.

- the golf-playing cat? Even without a catty he consistently scored fur
under purr.

- the adolescent cat? She pleaded with her parents, "Why don't you let me
lead one of my own lives?"

- the cat who liked to lounge around the stereo? He hoped to catch the
tweeter for lunch, unless the woofer got him first.

- the cat who got hurt? She whimpered, "Me ow!"

- the cat who was walking the beach on Christmas Eve? He had Sandy Claws.

- the cat who ate some cheese and then sat by a mouse hole? She waited with
baited breath.

- the radioactive cat? He had eighteen half-lives.

- the cat who chased a mouse through the screen door? They both strained
themselves.

- the cat who robbed McDonald's and Wendy's? She was a cat burgerlar.

- the cat named Ben Hur? It used to be called Ben, until it had kittens.

- the cat who caught a bird? He enjoyed a breakfast of shredded tweet.

- the fast cat? She put quicksand in her litter box.

- the cat who tried to find out why his humans forgot to place cat litter in
his box? He didn't have anything to go on.

- the teeny-tiny cat? She drank only condensed milk.

- the cat who loved to bowl? He was an alley cat.

- the cat who married a tree? They had a catalog.

- the cat who climbed the drapes? She had good claws to do it - and she
started from scratch.

- the cat with chutzpah? He was a pushy cat.

- the cat who swallowed a bag of coins? There was money in that kitty.

- the obese, ill-tempered, talkative cat? He was a flabby, crabby, gabby
tabby.

- the mother cat looking for her straying kittens? Like a poet, she listened
for their mews.

- the feline who impeded the iceman's work? The cat got his tong.

- the baby cat who joined the Red Cross? She wanted to be a first-aid kit.

- the two cats who raced each other to the milk bowl? One beat the other by
a lap.

- the kindle of cats named Johann Christian, Wilhelm Friedemann, Johann
Sebastian, and Carl Philipp Emanuel? They were all born in a litter Bachs.

- the man who was afraid of cats? He had catatonia, clawstrophobia, and
purranoia.

- the woman who refused to spay and neuter her cats? She was arrested for
kitty littering.

- the man who saw a sign at a pet store that said "Free Cats"? So he went in
and did.

the unemployed cat burglar from Nepal? What else can a Katmandu?
------------------------------------

Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 16, 2020, 03:54:54 PM
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-------
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
--------
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
--------
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
--------
No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationery.
--------
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road, and was cited for littering.
--------
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
--------
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
--------
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
--------
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
--------
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
———-
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
--------
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger Then it hit me.
--------
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass"
--------
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
--------
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
--------
A backward poet writes inverse.
--------
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
--------
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
———-
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
--------
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
"I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
--------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
--------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
--------
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure? "The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
--------
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
--------
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 16, 2020, 09:09:28 PM
Heh-heh-heh!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bryan Heimann on April 17, 2020, 03:08:04 AM
i stole this from the Texas Hunting Forum.  a discussion about snakes, to kill or not to kill.  Anyway, enjoy:

Quote from: SnakeWrangler
Deer don’t bite.

Ohhhhh sooooooo very wrong...…

Bobcat recipe.... (https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/1904756/1)

Cody's Llama (https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/5623795/1)


I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in
a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured
that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear
of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the
bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not
be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it
down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with
my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well
back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I
picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw.. My rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so
I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little
tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may
just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action
when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer
is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could
fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was
no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet
and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer
on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina
as many other animals.


A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as
quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me
a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out
of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around
its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was
no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing,
and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where
I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large
rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility
for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow
death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder -
a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could
get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million
years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised
when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a
horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes
its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably
to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method
was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes,
but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning
that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right
arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when
I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear
right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal
-- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily,
the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards
the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and
run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will
hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after
all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second
I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does
not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger
has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you
while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went
away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring
a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 17, 2020, 08:52:33 AM
That's hilarious!  I'll bet the deer tells that story every hunting season!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 17, 2020, 10:17:56 AM
Went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the wedding cake was in tiers.
------------------------------------
I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 17, 2020, 10:25:38 AM
Gary...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYppAs6ZdI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYppAs6ZdI)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 17, 2020, 01:49:31 PM
To the person who stole my antidepressants...

I hope you're happy now.

------------------

Dr.: What's wrong?
Woman: Nothing.
Dr.: I'm your doctor, not your husband.

-------------------------

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

--------------------

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

-------------------

My friend has schizophrenia, but he's good people.

--------------

I bought the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.

-------------------------

My girlfriend and I laugh about how competitive I am. But I laugh more.

--------------------------

I think it's wrong that only one company is allowed to make the game "Monopoly."

-------------------

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

--------

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "We need to talk..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 17, 2020, 08:03:38 PM
Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the
basement until you give the all clear. You're welcome!

2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house,
and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it's bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people
home-schooled by day drinkers...

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do... cancel all sports,
shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are
your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

Since we can't eat out, now's the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and
stay healthy.
We're quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have
sweatpants. I say we use them!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew
the furniture!"

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing
our hands???

I never thought the comment, "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6 foot pole"
would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me: Alexa what's the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn't matter... you're not going anywhere.

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock
out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps
losing more recess time because one or two kids can't follow directions.

When this is over... what meeting do I attend first... Weight Watchers or
AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for
food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really
excited about car rides.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 17, 2020, 10:31:56 PM
Gary, this really hit home!

Quote
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew
the furniture!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on April 18, 2020, 01:39:45 AM
So that is what my pit bull was trying to tell me as a puppy with that look and the foam from the couch cushion hanging out of his mouth or the wicker patio furniture that seemed to shred itself a little more everyday without a trace of evidence to be found.

I swear my pit must have a sewer pipe for a digestive system since he has eaten and swallowed anything he could get hold of as a puppy and still likes paper towels so he can wipe on the way out and 2x4/2x6s as his preferred outside play toys. Normal store bought ropes and toys only last 5 minutes or less before he shreds them into miniscule pieces.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 19, 2020, 10:13:07 AM
What An Arm

The Philadelphia Eagles team owner wanted to put together the
perfect team. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. So he had his
scouts go to all colleges with football programs and even the Canadian and
European Leagues, but they couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl victory.


One night, while watching FOX News, the owner saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan.


In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from
80 yards away. He then threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and
finally he hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. "I've got to get this
guy!" The owner said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

He brought the young Afghani to the States and had him taught the great
game of football. Sure enough, the Eagles went on to win the Super Bowl.


The young Afghani was hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach
asked him what he would like, all the young man wanted to do was to call his
mother. "Mom," he said into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"


"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman replied. "You
deserted us. You are not my son."



"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleaded the son. "I've just won
the greatest sporting event in the world!"


"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorted. "At this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"





The old lady paused, and then tearfully hollered, "I will never forgive
you for making us move to Philadelphia!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 19, 2020, 05:39:05 PM
Sounds about right!   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 19, 2020, 05:46:05 PM
Could have been much worse. Could've been Baltimore!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on April 19, 2020, 11:46:07 PM
A farmer bought an 1,200 lb sterioded bull to service his cows.  As the bull walked out of the truck and down the ramp, his muscles flexed and rippled with each step.  Three resident bulls were watching this from the top of a hill, the 40 year old bull said, "Well, I've got 60 cows...I guess I can give him half".  The 2nd oldest bull...a 25 year old, grudgingly said, "I've 30..I think I'll give him 10".  The 3rd bull...the 15 year old "Youngster"....timidly said, "I've only 10 cows...I'm going down there to talk to him".  The other two were stunned...  One said, "He's going to rip your head off".  The other asked, "What are you going to talk about?"  The young bull replied, "I'm going to tell him that I'm not a cow". 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 21, 2020, 05:44:11 AM
The Home

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.

At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 24, 2020, 11:45:05 AM
The Redneck Carpenter

The Redneck Carpenter went to buy lumber

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
"A long time. We're gonna build a house..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 25, 2020, 04:05:50 AM
An Outlaw walked into the saloon with a roll of paper towels on his head. When asked why the paper towels on his head? He replied: "I have a Bounty on my head."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on April 25, 2020, 12:00:48 PM
An Outlaw walked into the saloon with a roll of paper towels on his head. When asked why the paper towels on his head? He replied: "I have a Bounty on my head."




WOW!  now that's a dad joke!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 25, 2020, 03:49:24 PM
An Outlaw walked into the saloon with a roll of paper towels on his head. When asked why the paper towels on his head? He replied: "I have a Bounty on my head."




WOW!  now that's a dad joke!

A mushroom walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, "we don't serve mushrooms here.".

The mushroom says, "Why not?  I'm a fun-gi!!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

(I'm not a dad but you can't tell it from my jokes....)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 25, 2020, 05:46:15 PM
My favorite (Grand) Dad joke is more "played" for 30 years now....
 Wipe your hand down the unsuspecting childs face from forehead to chin, and say "How come you face is so smooth this way..."
Then quickly reverse the action and say "But so ROUGH this way?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on April 25, 2020, 07:30:51 PM
An Outlaw walked into the saloon with a roll of paper towels on his head. When asked why the paper towels on his head? He replied: "I have a Bounty on my head."




WOW!  now that's a dad joke!

A mushroom walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, "we don't serve mushrooms here.".

The mushroom says, "Why not?  I'm a fun-gi!!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

(I'm not a dad but you can't tell it from my jokes....)



Skeleton walks into a bar. Says - bartender give me a beer                                and a mop.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 25, 2020, 07:36:47 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/93509871_1374473599428910_5177069603397828608_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmmxEhgs_UgQ-f2uujVXrpt-MKWZfuFRcCQZLbKEgFW2B6t0ZrrF_CEI2wDlgeYM8227-Q7UCcUPp5enp0zZG4o&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=2ec8e77e638e0c2e3e94ebeb54099c0a&oe=5EC9B38C)

Meanwhile on some interstate highway.

(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/94359499_2629229760639033_3674856395930337280_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQm9tRGh7sQG9BE0FE13erW-F9kYCYonJwAVbz6u0lYID2MNBFimY3q7neojeEc6AUXbekKMI4BdZIdeaR_D3WMH&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=d1f2158141754b9094ed7ae231d860db&oe=5ECA3040)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on April 25, 2020, 07:45:53 PM
Why do some blondes have Post It notes with the letters TGIF written on them taped to the top of their shoes?  It's to remind them that Toes Go In First.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 25, 2020, 09:45:05 PM
Kris... those are AWESOME!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 26, 2020, 02:28:52 AM
Seeing Eye Dogs

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other,
a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said
to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with
us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry,
lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was
a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the heck",
so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? The b****rds gave me a
Chihuahua?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on April 26, 2020, 11:10:19 AM
A young man walks Into an ARMY recruiting office to enlist .

The sergeant asks him to choose an MOS and without hesitation he chooses the infantry.
The sergeant looks at him and says son you scored a 98% on the ASVAB and could have any MOS you want, why did you choose the infantry ?

The young man turns to the sergeant and says because I'm tried of being a b!@ch.
With a look of pride on his face the sergeant says son you're gonna be a colonel someday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 27, 2020, 09:06:50 AM
It’s A Job
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "hi .... you know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "your timing is just excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll
have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to
satisfy her s*xual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above
the garage. The starting salary will be $300,000 per year."

The guy, wide eyed, says, "You're joshing me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well...you started it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on April 28, 2020, 03:18:33 AM
Mike, laugh my ^&* off on that one. ;D  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on April 28, 2020, 08:41:34 AM
 Over the last couple of years,I keep hearing that they are doing away with teaching cursive (handwriting) in schools.
 It occurs to me that eventually we will be seeing a generation of beer drinkers that can't write their names in the snow. :o ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on April 28, 2020, 02:12:47 PM
Over the last couple of years,I keep hearing that they are doing away with teaching cursive (handwriting) in schools.
 It occurs to me that eventually we will be seeing a generation of beer drinkers that can't write their names in the snow. :o ::)

More like 20 plus years, I have a 26 year old grandson that was not taught cursive handwriting in school. Did not know how to sign his name as an adult.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on April 28, 2020, 02:17:05 PM
Over the last couple of years,I keep hearing that they are doing away with teaching cursive (handwriting) in schools.
 It occurs to me that eventually we will be seeing a generation of beer drinkers that can't write their names in the snow. :o ::)

Different states, different rules. My kiddo got cursive writing taught to him when he was still in public school
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on April 28, 2020, 05:40:39 PM
Over the last couple of years,I keep hearing that they are doing away with teaching cursive (handwriting) in schools.
 It occurs to me that eventually we will be seeing a generation of beer drinkers that can't write their names in the snow. :o ::)

Different states, different rules. My kiddo got cursive writing taught to him when he was still in public school

My 26 year old grandson went to school in new jersey for K thru 10 grade and 11th and 12th here in Alabama. Neither teach cursive for many years now. I have a 14 year old grandson that's been in school in Alabama and has still not been taught cursive writing.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 28, 2020, 05:51:49 PM
The young will probably think that cursive is just a way to right when angry.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 28, 2020, 07:22:48 PM
My eight year old grand daughter who goes to a private Catholic writes in cursive. She also recites the pledge of allegiance every morning. Even under the Covid19 restrictions. My question is: If children aren't taught cursive, how do they sign their name?
Do they just make their mark like the uneducated of the 15, 16, 17 & 18th century?
Sorry, this is the joke thread. The joke is: This is clearly a down grading of the education system.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 28, 2020, 07:58:44 PM
Same here with the grand-kids...
So.. when you have to sign for anything... does that mean "place your mark"?
"x" is you?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 28, 2020, 08:00:52 PM
Don't get me goin' on the common core.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 28, 2020, 08:03:32 PM
Amen!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on April 28, 2020, 08:10:31 PM
they won't need to sign for anything.  all they'll need to do is wave their cellphone over some reader and all their information will be transmitted.  heck, the phones will be implanted in their heads and they'll wave their hand over it and transmit the data.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 28, 2020, 09:18:26 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/95568039_10222328329742214_7862121219410100224_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQn9pqNbtpABnUJj281IHoltPy4EHbip9anBvtaadEHRK60jzmd163o_UmDWj05ZZww&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=db978dc04b7ed2eed24b79aa9b7ff3dd&oe=5ECF94D9)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on April 28, 2020, 09:49:16 PM
     I didn't mean to get this thread off track....I was trying to be funny... :o

 Thanks for putting it back on track, Kris!


 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 28, 2020, 11:05:31 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/94755582_10219825582922514_1518018519613046784_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQnksk6k0y4-XL9utMiCOnVR3IB-bJuaOWgZjIy0VnK_Xc2ZZSh7droP9q7i-Rr5tIo&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=33d841f8a2358454e77e445cffa7e98a&oe=5ECE5F5B)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 28, 2020, 11:48:54 PM
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTESTOnce again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearlycontest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.The winners are:

1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the doorin your nightgown.

7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by asteamroller.

10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (N.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from thedictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a newdefinition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (N.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas frompenetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in thenear future.

2. Foreploy (V): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (N.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financiallyimpotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (N): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (N): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person whodoesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (V): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (N): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (N): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (N): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (N.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only thingsthat are good for you.

11. Glibido (V): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (N): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come atyou rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (N.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentallywalked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (N.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at threein the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (N.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you'reeating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (N): A person who's both stupid and an *******

More--
transmuttation - making a show dog from a mutt.
Byestander - too close to RR tracks!
Alltogether - Massed support for social distancing.
Aliennation - place where you're mother in law surely born.
incontinents 'Marking' over half the worlds land masses!
Sexuallity - 'Groupie.'
interfereon - impotency drug!
allelevate - reversing effects of above drug!
formitable - murky BS capable of being molded into solid political platform.
trumppeter - Political blowhard, exuding small platform... not worth their salt!

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 29, 2020, 08:54:26 AM
Kris, maybe that is something that staying inside might accomplish and all the spraying never will.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 29, 2020, 09:12:41 AM
Kris, maybe that is something that staying inside might accomplish and all the spraying never will.

in order for that to work we would have to keep all animals indoors and all mosquitoes outside too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 29, 2020, 09:33:14 AM
Bingo, Dan!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 29, 2020, 10:18:30 AM
Joe Bob and Lucas weren't exactly known in their little home town for being
very bright. In fact, after a rather unfortunate incident involving duct
tape, plastic forks, ketchup and 14 gallons of shampoo, they were court
ordered to stay apart from each other.

So, they texted each other instead...

Week 1:

Joe Bob: "I was thinking about getting some raffle tickets at the gas
station. Top prize is a year's worth of gas."
Lucas: "Ok. Put me down for 5 tickets."
Joe Bob: "Ok."

So, Joe Bob bought 10 tickets at a dollar each, and they waited.

Week 2:

Joe Bob: "Hey, I got 3rd place... a year's supply of spaghetti sauce and
spaghetti noodles!"
Lucas: "I got 6th place... a toilet brush."

Week 3:

Joe Bob: "I'm really enjoying my spaghetti! I have it every night! How do
you like your toilet brush?"
Lucas: "Not so much... I think I'm just going to go back to paper."

GARY
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on April 29, 2020, 01:18:20 PM
Can anyone explain to me how my wife can read these jokes, understand them, and laugh, but if I ask her to hand me the only wrench on the table, she looks at me like I've grown 3 heads? 😕😟🤯
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 29, 2020, 01:27:19 PM
HAHA.
 In an opposite note, that reminds me of when my wife and I were dating. I was laying down working under her tanning bed and she was standing next to me watching.
 I asked to get in my tool box and give me the hex tool that's bent into a "L" shape.
She said "You mean this Allen Wrench?"
  I knew right then she was The One.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on April 29, 2020, 01:41:40 PM
The most useless thing I bought in January  --- a 2020 day planner.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 29, 2020, 03:28:17 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/94102866_2355645741394526_2422963249797398528_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn2AgL4r71DzdLoaJqXA9UckV6XOqzSHY2cr0wqtzYRrY_hs3Fv0Df7AjkhkU1m-BK-mViBA8Qno68i7He5fSCg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=49baa5ad837417ef1702e9dfea1979bd&oe=5ECF91CF)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on April 29, 2020, 04:13:12 PM
Be careful with the free wife.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on April 29, 2020, 04:47:06 PM
This virus is turning me into my dog.
I take naps all day, get yelled at for getting too close to anyone, roam the house looking for food, and get excited over the thought of a car ride.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 29, 2020, 09:11:19 PM
EVERY SINGLE POST SINCE MY LAST MADE ME LOL!!!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 30, 2020, 03:55:38 AM
This virus is turning me into my dog.
I take naps all day, get yelled at for getting too close to anyone, roam the house looking for food, and get excited over the thought of a car ride.

I love that one Don. Hits close to home.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on April 30, 2020, 12:02:30 PM
Senior Entertainment

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and "the Amazing Claude" was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to
be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the Senior Center
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ultramarine on April 30, 2020, 02:25:25 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 30, 2020, 09:57:59 PM
NICE!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on May 01, 2020, 05:11:39 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/94102866_2355645741394526_2422963249797398528_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn2AgL4r71DzdLoaJqXA9UckV6XOqzSHY2cr0wqtzYRrY_hs3Fv0Df7AjkhkU1m-BK-mViBA8Qno68i7He5fSCg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=49baa5ad837417ef1702e9dfea1979bd&oe=5ECF91CF)

The spelling and grammar errors made me laugh... and sigh...

"...I have pass..."  ??? ??? ???  (chuckle)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on May 01, 2020, 06:49:34 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/95135100_2357040647921702_4823868470980509696_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQlDDEdeN_IqRaFvAQ94Rq-JOqsyVZdyBugyQKjAk26488wg02Yx-2Zaktrq56z2w7eU4No3tsCDD8M1SpaNu-mc&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=3be7b606e17e39cb181efd300e540bbf&oe=5ED0AE34)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on May 01, 2020, 07:48:12 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/95135100_2357040647921702_4823868470980509696_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQlDDEdeN_IqRaFvAQ94Rq-JOqsyVZdyBugyQKjAk26488wg02Yx-2Zaktrq56z2w7eU4No3tsCDD8M1SpaNu-mc&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=3be7b606e17e39cb181efd300e540bbf&oe=5ED0AE34)

But, but, but... the car only comes with so many!   We don't want to use them all up too fast!  (chuckle)


I "love" the people who turn on the signal when they are half-way or nearly all the way through the turn...  (Argh!)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on May 01, 2020, 10:10:37 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/94691059_1380518242157779_3387809674110697472_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQn0rs6vt7KDQsLAl5DPYYMnpvehj7XFLH3F4NZF2bsnMUqWo_zkyQCRvmDkjBtBev_EqvvSgUcpIQAHvYQ-b2q4&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=4d3f6c6e474ab5b2e2201cc8e3e56e37&oe=5ED0094E)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 01, 2020, 12:53:09 PM
Deep Ponderings

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 01, 2020, 02:00:56 PM
27.  8) ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on May 01, 2020, 02:42:27 PM
  --  19  --
My brother's saying:  Yard Sale = You get someone to pay you to haul your junk away!   ;) ::) :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on May 01, 2020, 06:23:47 PM
27.  8) ;D

Yes..
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on May 01, 2020, 06:56:44 PM
  --  19  --
My brother's saying:  Yard Sale = You get someone to pay you to haul your junk away!   ;) ::) :D



 I have driven by a yard sale (pile) up here last summer that had a sign that read     "Free or Best Offer" ! :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on May 02, 2020, 12:52:53 PM
A Cold Beer


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
 The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
 My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

 She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"

 I replied, "I WASN'T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

 The reason I said “nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

 Finally I pondered an age old question: “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nads, but how could they know?

 Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

 On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nads."

 I rest my case.

 Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on May 02, 2020, 06:02:35 PM
A Cold Beer


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
 The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
 My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

 She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"

 I replied, "I WASN'T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

 The reason I said “nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

 Finally I pondered an age old question: “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nads, but how could they know?

 Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

 On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nads."

 I rest my case.

 Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Totally agree.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 02, 2020, 06:09:18 PM
EXACTLY!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on May 02, 2020, 06:42:37 PM
Now that is some serious beer drinking thoughts now!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rat Sniper (AKA: PaulT58) on May 02, 2020, 09:25:00 PM
Keeping with the drinking theme...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on May 03, 2020, 03:50:16 AM
Some shelter in place humor:


We're about two weeks away from seeing everyone's true hair color.

Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers.

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do...cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

I swear my fridge just said “what the *(&^ do you want now?”

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 03, 2020, 10:53:42 AM
Some old some new--

People are using the word lockdown because they don't know how to spell
kwarinteen.

Have you noticed that the amount of selfies being posted are down by 68%?

I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class
using old math.

I've absorbed so much disinfectants, soap, and antibacterial sanitizing gels
recently that whenever I go pee, it cleans the toilet.

I'm pretty sure I just heard my fridge say, "What the heck do you want
now?!"

I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.

Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you're a family of 6, you're all
about to find out who's the least favorite!

Health Tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can't accidentally
touch your face.

My house got TP'd last night ... it's now appraised value has doubled!

Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed's
legal and school's closed ... kids today are livin' the dream!

This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out
as a rum & coke!

If you get an email with the subject "Knock Knock," don't open it. It's a
Jehovah Witness working from home.

After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the
sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to
them. Now I understand dogs.

Day 36 of social isolation at home, and it's like being in Las Vegas. I'm
losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. Nobody
knows what time it is.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on May 04, 2020, 01:07:37 AM
A Cold Beer


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
 The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
 My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

 She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"

 I replied, "I WASN'T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

 The reason I said “nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

 Finally I pondered an age old question: “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nads, but how could they know?

 Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

 On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nads."

 I rest my case.

 Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

Logic and reason...  (grin)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 04, 2020, 12:48:09 PM
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.”
“I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 05, 2020, 11:48:27 PM
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.”
“I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
You may be the 3rd to post that one, but it's such a classic and I laugh every time.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 06, 2020, 11:24:48 AM
A couple down the road from us were cleaning out some brush when the husband was stung on the forehead by a hornet. He is in the ER now, face bruised and swollen. It might have been worse if his wife had not swatted it off his face with a shovel.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 06, 2020, 12:55:43 PM
Dead Cow

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on May 06, 2020, 04:06:01 PM
Dead Cow

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

One could only hope. ;D ;D 8)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on May 06, 2020, 05:12:04 PM
GRANDMA  IN  COURT


Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a  big disappointment to me..
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate  people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a  big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will  amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know  you.."

The lawyer was stunned!  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,  "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone  and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of  them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."   

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet  voice said:

_"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me,  I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on May 06, 2020, 06:26:38 PM
GRANDMA  IN  COURT


Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a  big disappointment to me..
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate  people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a  big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will  amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know  you.."

The lawyer was stunned!  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,  "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone  and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of  them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."   

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet  voice said:

_"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me,  I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !

And I thought a lawyer never asked a question they did not know the answer to, obviously the judge knew the answer. ;D

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 07, 2020, 10:56:26 AM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you my son?’
He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.’
‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joekrooz on May 07, 2020, 02:43:56 PM
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on May 07, 2020, 04:27:43 PM
Very good !!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 07, 2020, 06:10:43 PM
nice one Joe!  i copied and pasted it into a text message, changing it from the first person to "Bob" and sent it to my friend who owns Diamond Bar Choppers.  i titled it "Bobs Last Ride".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 07, 2020, 06:27:16 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 07, 2020, 06:59:07 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs)




must be a brit

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 09, 2020, 12:12:34 PM

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Please,” protested the college president, “you already make more than the entire History Department.”

“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. “You’re not there, sir,” he reported.

“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the president, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 09, 2020, 12:23:38 PM
Pricing Talent

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 09, 2020, 01:48:04 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGkBFhlnDIs)


Should work just great, I would stay at least 6' away.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 09, 2020, 01:48:58 PM
My Son's First Drink 

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. 
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. 
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. 
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. 
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! 
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.
He wouldn't even smell it?.  What could I do but drink it! 
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so drunk I could hardly push his stroller back home.

*****************************************************************************************
Went to the store the other day. At the check outline the cashier pointed to a large X on the floor and told me to stand there.

I have seen WAY to many roadrunner cartoons to fall for that.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 09, 2020, 05:09:07 PM
Was in a store that had big X marks on the floor where I should stand.

I'm not falling for that! I saw to many RoadRunner cartoons!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 09, 2020, 06:47:35 PM
Years ago My GrandFather told me the secret to his longevity was to put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal each morning.
He finally died at age 93.
He left behind 7 children, 20 grandchildren, 65 great grandchildren and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 10, 2020, 07:35:35 PM
Hmmm, Well I’ll Be

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed
across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds!

Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history
not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you,
in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American,
in your whole life,
you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill,
the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand;
"lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The Bible does not say there were three wise men;
it only says there were three gifts.

The cruise liner, QE2,
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked
by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level'
are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language
that have all five vowels in order "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made
using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on May 10, 2020, 07:47:32 PM
Hmmm, Well I’ll Be


All 50 states are listed
across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.


Nope. All the states ARE on the Lincoln Memorial, but not visible on a 5 dollar bill. Sorry.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 10, 2020, 09:03:55 PM
"February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon."

Nope!  February 2018 did not have a full moon.  This occurs about every 19 years.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on May 11, 2020, 10:05:50 AM
I remember
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on May 11, 2020, 11:06:14 AM
Never bite the ear of a guy punching you. ;D

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on May 11, 2020, 11:20:17 AM
Q: What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

A: After the date you can drop her off anywhere.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 11, 2020, 05:37:40 PM
Well, Imagine That

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne
will bounce up and down continuously
from the bottom of the glass to the top.

Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor,
who had red eyes. He was albino.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system;
a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing
up into the shark's stomach from underneath,
causing the shark to explode.

Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear pants.

Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower'
because in the time when all original print had to be set
in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored
in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand
and draw with the other at the same time
... hence, multi-tasking was invented.

Because metal was scarce,
the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 11, 2020, 08:53:30 PM
Quote
Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

Calling "Balderdash"!

Phyllis had a Daughter "Suzanne", one of 6...
https://www.nwitimes.com/lifestyles/columnists/philip-potempa/comedienne-phyllis-diller-center-with-daughters-suzanne-left-and-stephanie/image_4dd153a9-e253-5841-b3b0-2889015acc69.html (https://www.nwitimes.com/lifestyles/columnists/philip-potempa/comedienne-phyllis-diller-center-with-daughters-suzanne-left-and-stephanie/image_4dd153a9-e253-5841-b3b0-2889015acc69.html)

Susan Lucci was born in Scarsdale, New York, to parents Jeanette and Victor Lucci,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bufTna0WArc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bufTna0WArc)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on May 11, 2020, 09:14:29 PM
NONE of  the Mallards that feed in the lake behind my house wear pants.
And I am okay with that!   ::) ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 11, 2020, 09:55:50 PM
there are a few that are false.  donald duck is one of them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on May 11, 2020, 10:05:39 PM
there are a few that are false.  donald duck is one of them.

In reality, only a few are TRUE, most of these are false.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on May 12, 2020, 01:51:59 AM
Orcas do not kill sharks by ramming their stomach causing it to explode, its Dolphins that do that and it causes the shark to drown by stunning it preventing it from breathing since sharks must constantly stay moving to keep water/oxygen flowing thru their gills. Same as a person having the wind knocked out of them.

An Orca is far bigger then any shark and hunt in packs known as pods that can easily kill a shark simply by the shark being outnumbered.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on May 12, 2020, 09:57:38 AM
Actually:  Other fish seem to sleep, however, especially when purely behavioral criteria are used to define sleep. For example,zebrafish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zebrafish),6] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-6)tilapia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tilapia),[7] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-7)tench (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tench),[8] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-8)brown bullhead (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_bullhead),[9] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-9)and swell shark (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swell_shark) become motionless and unresponsive at night (or by day, in the case of the swell shark); Spanish hogfish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_hogfish)  and blue-headed wrasse (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thalassoma_bifasciatum) can even be lifted by hand all the way to the surface without evoking a response. On the other hand, sleep patterns are easily disrupted and may even disappear during periods of migration, spawning, and parental care.[11] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-11)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on May 12, 2020, 10:13:52 AM
A riddle of sorts, rather than a joke:

Which word in the English language has two meanings, that are exactly the opposite?

























Cleave.  It means to split apart, and to adhere to: 
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cleave (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cleave)
https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/cleave (https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/cleave)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on May 12, 2020, 10:43:39 AM
Actually:  Other fish seem to sleep, however, especially when purely behavioral criteria are used to define sleep. For example,zebrafish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zebrafish),6] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-6)tilapia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tilapia),[7] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-7)tench (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tench),[8] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-8)brown bullhead (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_bullhead),[9] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-9)and swell shark (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swell_shark) become motionless and unresponsive at night (or by day, in the case of the swell shark); Spanish hogfish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_hogfish)  and blue-headed wrasse (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thalassoma_bifasciatum) can even be lifted by hand all the way to the surface without evoking a response. On the other hand, sleep patterns are easily disrupted and may even disappear during periods of migration, spawning, and parental care.[11] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-11)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish)

My point was that most sharks that we normally associate with do not breath in water/oxygen like fish do by sucking the water in thru their gills but rather by constantly moving with their mouths open to allow water to flow thru the gills. They can stay motionless in areas with strong current flows that allows the water to flow thru from the force of the current. Their are aberations/mutations in every species even man, but the vast majority of shark must either stay moving or be in strong current areas to breath as compared to other fish..

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jentry on May 12, 2020, 01:55:58 PM
Actually:  Other fish seem to sleep, however, especially when purely behavioral criteria are used to define sleep. For example,zebrafish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zebrafish),6] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-6)tilapia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tilapia),[7] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-7)tench (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tench),[8] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-8)brown bullhead (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_bullhead),[9] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-9)and swell shark (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swell_shark) become motionless and unresponsive at night (or by day, in the case of the swell shark); Spanish hogfish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_hogfish)  and blue-headed wrasse (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thalassoma_bifasciatum) can even be lifted by hand all the way to the surface without evoking a response. On the other hand, sleep patterns are easily disrupted and may even disappear during periods of migration, spawning, and parental care.[11] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-11)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish)

My point was that most sharks that we normally associate with do not breath in water/oxygen like fish do by sucking the water in thru their gills but rather by constantly moving with their mouths open to allow water to flow thru the gills. They can stay motionless in areas with strong current flows that allows the water to flow thru from the force of the current. Their are aberations/mutations in every species even man, but the vast majority of shark must either stay moving or be in strong current areas to breath as compared to other fish..

BD

You guys have me rolling! These jokes are hilarious!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 12, 2020, 03:37:45 PM
‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord "‌‌nothing" i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells "‌‌gnihton", w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.   ;D

-----

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 12, 2020, 04:09:46 PM
Actually:  Other fish seem to sleep, however, especially when purely behavioral criteria are used to define sleep. For example,zebrafish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zebrafish),6] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-6)tilapia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tilapia),[7] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-7)tench (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tench),[8] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-8)brown bullhead (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_bullhead),[9] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-9)and swell shark (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swell_shark) become motionless and unresponsive at night (or by day, in the case of the swell shark); Spanish hogfish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_hogfish)  and blue-headed wrasse (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thalassoma_bifasciatum) can even be lifted by hand all the way to the surface without evoking a response. On the other hand, sleep patterns are easily disrupted and may even disappear during periods of migration, spawning, and parental care.[11] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish#cite_note-11)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_in_fish)

My point was that most sharks that we normally associate with do not breath in water/oxygen like fish do by sucking the water in thru their gills but rather by constantly moving with their mouths open to allow water to flow thru the gills. They can stay motionless in areas with strong current flows that allows the water to flow thru from the force of the current. Their are aberations/mutations in every species even man, but the vast majority of shark must either stay moving or be in strong current areas to breath as compared to other fish..

BD

You guys have me rolling! These jokes are hilarious!  ;D

All these sea monster jokes are just Kraken you up!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RedFeather on May 12, 2020, 05:50:19 PM
Everything he said about Donald Duck, Orcas, etc, IS TRUE! I know, I read it on the Internet. BTW, I'm a drop dead certified HOT STUD. Must be true. It's now on the Internet.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 12, 2020, 06:42:15 PM
Everything he said about Donald Duck, Orcas, etc, IS TRUE! I know, I read it on the Internet. BTW, I'm a drop dead certified HOT STUD. Must be true. It's now on the Internet.

Are you a French model? LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 12, 2020, 06:43:42 PM
Double post.  :-[
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 12, 2020, 09:24:50 PM
Chastity Belt

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 12, 2020, 09:41:18 PM
What's the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on May 13, 2020, 09:17:52 AM
I snorted my Mt. Dew all over the place.
As for the word having the opposite meaning..... extraordinary  it's all in how you say it. Really plain or really amazing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 13, 2020, 12:26:22 PM
A visitor at a mental hospital asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the doctor, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket as it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” replied the director. “A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 14, 2020, 09:51:07 AM
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started
a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and
Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on
my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt.
I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?   Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle
covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a
farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In
fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his
car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you
said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up
chest-high on my ducks!"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 14, 2020, 11:29:48 AM
Fine Dining Funny

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sits alone at a nearby table.


The husband asks, "Do you know him?"


"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 14, 2020, 11:37:02 AM
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started
a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and
Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on
my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt.
I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?   Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gary


unfortunately this isn't a joke, but the truth.  even the pool.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 14, 2020, 04:13:31 PM
Capt. Bravo

Captain Bravo's Adventures
Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate = ship, and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph.
One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on May 14, 2020, 10:35:46 PM
So this old man gets onto a bus, sits down and see a punker sitting opposite him.  This punkster's wearing a leather jacket, torn jeans, 3 earrings per ear, a nose ring and an eyebrow ring, and have multi-colored hair; purple, green, neon yellow, neon orange and blue etc.  After a minute the punkster can't stand the staring anymore and says, "Hey old man, you never done anything crazy when you were young?"  The old guy replied, "Why yes, when we were young and were in WWII...me and some of the boys were in Guam for R&R.  We had tattoos, smoked pot, had wild seex and I even had seex with a parrot.  I'm just wondering if you're my son".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 15, 2020, 11:29:21 AM
I had to have a talk with my Dog...
Let her know the police were here and told me she was chasing some fella on a bike.
My dog said "It's a lie...  I can't even ride a bike."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 15, 2020, 11:34:08 AM
Maybe a repeat...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on May 15, 2020, 09:59:44 PM
Maybe a repeat...
And there are signs of spiraling...maybe a faster twist barrel?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on May 15, 2020, 10:45:28 PM
Someone was twisted!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on May 16, 2020, 01:33:34 AM
Pricing Talent

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

I have to admit that one made me laugh out loud!  (grin)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on May 16, 2020, 01:50:59 AM
The word "then" is misused 82% of the time on the internet.

However, the word "than" is misused 18% of the time on the internet.

(chuckle)  /sarc
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 16, 2020, 11:03:53 AM
how do you get 500 old cows in a barn?






put up a bingo sign
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on May 17, 2020, 12:40:15 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/98605377_2003688859764407_8503899598127890432_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQn9aBw2eolPLaixUbtC42LsssmT0C6ZSyaRcl3sgt81nXtUtMv6UovocAV-8csPeXAephTjHthzICBi0vzLzm2f&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=509d06c976fd32419754b281d66b2b97&oe=5EE85583)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on May 17, 2020, 02:51:40 PM
Great one Kris. It's true too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: PG in San Diego on May 17, 2020, 06:43:34 PM
Ok, stop me if you heard this one...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a banner over the bar "FREE BEER FOR ONE YEAR CONTEST!"

The guy gets curious and asks the bartender, "hey bartender, How do you win the contest?"

The bartender says," Well, first you have to drink a whole bottle of Crown Royal in under 45 minutes, then you have to pull the bad tooth out from the old Rottweiler in the basement, and then you have to have sex with the old lady upstairs!"

The guy says, thinks to himself that its tough but the free beer is worth it! "Ok I'll do it!"

The guy drinks the Crown Royal in only 35 minutes. "Ok. where is the dog?" the bartender points to the basement door. the guy staggers downstairs.

The Rottweiler is viciously growling, but soon a dog yelping loud is heard. The guy staggers upstairs bleeding but victorious," Ok, where is the old lady with the bad tooth?

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on May 18, 2020, 07:12:45 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/97098727_2370420666583700_5567070939025244160_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQnk5HHnPqchGaxCiXe570cV9lkTnbjRNZvOtb-I3-Nj8e-nv018NXIR7N62pRegFeg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=033378238295038d577bc5f61434ebff&oe=5EE9A4CF)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on May 18, 2020, 07:43:52 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/97098727_2370420666583700_5567070939025244160_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQnk5HHnPqchGaxCiXe570cV9lkTnbjRNZvOtb-I3-Nj8e-nv018NXIR7N62pRegFeg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=033378238295038d577bc5f61434ebff&oe=5EE9A4CF)

LOL!   Well, if you are married...  (chuckle)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DIABOLO on May 20, 2020, 03:05:18 PM
So this isn't really a joke, but it made me laugh.  I always wondered about the word Meisterkugeln.  Been seeing it since I was about 13.

Well today I google translated it and it means. "Master Balls"

This whole time I have been shooting master balls. 


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: larspawn on May 20, 2020, 11:00:59 PM
That is such a LIE!  The master must need looser shorts cause those are far from balls!

I know because it just so happens I was fondling these balls today.  Didn't shoot any but looked at them and was thinking what the heck does Rund Kugeln mean?  Now I know it means big shiny BBs...

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on May 21, 2020, 08:43:12 AM

Bullet translated to Germanic languages:

German: Kugel;
Dutch: kogel;
Afrikaans: koeël;
Danish: kugle;
Swedish: kula;




So this isn't really a joke, but it made me laugh.  I always wondered about the word Meisterkugeln.  Been seeing it since I was about 13.

Well today I google translated it and it means. "Master Balls"

This whole time I have been shooting master balls.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 21, 2020, 11:51:18 AM
 https://www.facebook.com/1191517848/posts/10221074575592662/?d=n (https://www.facebook.com/1191517848/posts/10221074575592662/?d=n)

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 21, 2020, 01:50:44 PM
"bottle of wine"   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RedFeather on May 21, 2020, 02:35:26 PM
I can't believe he gave her the bottle.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ezman604 on May 22, 2020, 03:50:21 PM
Jethro and Fred were sittin' on the front porch rockin', sipping tea and watchin' the traffic go by.
About dat time a big truckload of sod went by.
Jethro said, "Fred, someday when I win the lottery, I'm a gonna do dat".
Fred said "What's dat?"
Jethro said "Ima gonna send my lawn OUT to get mowed!!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 24, 2020, 08:21:05 PM
i pass this sign when i go to along the river and it always makes me laugh. 



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 25, 2020, 01:10:15 PM
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do  you have to say?”

The woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on May 25, 2020, 08:29:00 PM
Coincidentally...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on May 25, 2020, 11:11:17 PM
Perfect!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 25, 2020, 11:39:35 PM
A boy was born with no eyelids so they made him some out of foreskin,  the operation was a success but he was a bit cockeyed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BackStop on May 27, 2020, 12:49:08 AM
Coincidentally...

Sent that pic out to several people.   Thanks!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 27, 2020, 12:48:32 PM
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on May 27, 2020, 03:11:36 PM
Why don't sharks bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 27, 2020, 05:58:29 PM
A man is walking down the side walk and sees an elderly woman, presumed in her late 80's, sitting on the front porch eating a big slice of watermelon.
As he gets near, he notices her dress is hiked up to her knees and she is not wearing any undergarments...  ::)
A tad bit embarrassed the Man feels obligated to say something. After all, at her age senility may be a factor.
"Excuse me Mam for being so blunt... but are you aware that you are not wearing any lollies?"
The old Crow replies "Oh yes Sonny.... it keeps the flies off the watermelon."


There, that is as clean as I can make it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on May 27, 2020, 06:45:19 PM
I'll never be able to enjoy watermelon again.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 27, 2020, 06:58:29 PM
That's what I am here for... put a new perspective on a good thing. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on May 27, 2020, 07:22:26 PM
Glad I never liked watermelon. :D

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on May 27, 2020, 09:24:19 PM
There, that is as clean as I can make it.


I am shocked :)

If that is allowable; it almost makes me want to tell the joke about the penguin with car trouble.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 27, 2020, 09:28:33 PM
"Nope, only ice cream"

I think I already did that one here. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on May 27, 2020, 09:33:30 PM
"Nope, only ice cream"

I think I already did that one. ;)

That's the one.  I can't tell that joke without laughing my head off.

There is another one involving trouble with a stranded Rolls Royce, that is not quite so far into the woods.  It involves the carburetor...

By the way, you forum name is very clever. 

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 27, 2020, 09:45:21 PM
Heh Heh, I think it involves feces  ;)

Quote
By the way, you forum name is very clever.

;)

Slap your "better half" on the butt and yell it out!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on May 28, 2020, 09:13:24 AM
Heh Heh, I think it involves feces  ;)

Quote
By the way, you forum name is very clever.

;)

Slap your "better half" on the butt and yell it out!
What if his better half is his butt?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 29, 2020, 09:30:31 PM
One Night Marrige

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed."

"Good," she replied. "Get your own darn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 29, 2020, 09:42:25 PM
FANTASTIC!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on May 30, 2020, 05:58:37 PM
Burma Shave

For those who never saw any of the BurmaShave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, BurmaShave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.

They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs,
about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising BurmaShave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:




DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMASHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
BurmaShave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
BurmaShave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
BurmaShave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
BurmaShave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
BurmaShave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
BurmaShave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
BurmaShave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
BurmaShave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
BurmaShave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
BurmaShave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
BurmaShave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
BurmaShave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
BurmaShave


Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt...
LIKE ME!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on May 30, 2020, 06:40:47 PM
Yes, Mike, I remember them well.  This Mike was already driving and reading those signs whe you were born.  How old does that make ME?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 30, 2020, 07:18:24 PM
I think it needs explained to the young folks...

Each sign was
One at a time
to disregard them
Would be a crime

Hoosier Daddy
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dk1677 on May 31, 2020, 07:51:02 AM
Yup Burma shave, I remember them ( even where some were , I think it was just after the ice age  ;) )
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on May 31, 2020, 08:00:44 AM
Mail Pouch ads on the side of barns too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on May 31, 2020, 08:41:16 AM
What Canadians see when they look at Mt. Rushmore.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on May 31, 2020, 01:58:27 PM
I think it needs explained to the young folks...

Each sign was
One at a time
to disregard them
Would be a crime

Hoosier Daddy

 " He lit a match
to check his tank.
Now they call him
Skinless Frank".
  BurmaShave

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 31, 2020, 03:18:45 PM
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son.

“Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on June 01, 2020, 01:53:25 AM
Earl that was great. ;D ;D ;D  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Halfcocked on June 01, 2020, 02:12:10 AM
The three-legged chicken joke (most famously told by President Ronald Reagan)

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, when he noticed the chicken was going 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up, and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!

He sped up again, and to his surprise the chicken was still running alongside him at 60 mph!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of chickens, and they all had three legs. The man in the car called out to the farmer "Where did you get those three-legged chickens from?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see, it's me, my wife, and now my son living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing" said the driver, "how do they taste?"

"I don't know. I haven't been able to catch one yet."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on June 01, 2020, 11:19:51 AM
Wife: I'm really ticked!!

Husband: again or still?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on June 01, 2020, 07:38:40 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/101826683_10223278250455313_2215209076030177280_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQl0UtduqocibLXU8YTep4sAubkCMP5GVEa6jOXlCsjizrKBs2z6ntb3oWqJ6d8hYeM&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=b41ed8004397318843bd3e50fa618baf&oe=5EFBAFEC)

(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/101437830_1182829988722510_1947636792492556288_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQm2TOP4FJZT8bPj-WKSczUAetQGseYMV1cHmdBlurYYTcw1wzkHrVR8ZzDJPssqiWk&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=78bcc1e1e987d0f2394fb3c262fe10af&oe=5EFB67E0)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 01, 2020, 08:07:11 PM
Jeezus Kris.... the world is going to "Heck" in a hand bag.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on June 01, 2020, 08:19:01 PM
Here we go again! 🤞🏻 🌪
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on June 01, 2020, 09:49:07 PM
Jeezus Kris.... the world is going to "Heck" in a hand bag.

Yep, welcome to Florida, the disaster state. Below is one model that is 6 days from today. Russian roulette hurricane style.

(https://www.tropicaltidbits.com/analysis/models/gfs/2020060118/gfs_mslp_wind_watl_23.png)

(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47681493_1315000308642681_4291222183302135808_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQlXWnreEImelNyf45lHs8nImRmEsokU_h9EHww_Uj1-cPtZ6hD_plj4yTw5HnbHjvY&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=5512824ebe0345753db46fb8c9047189&oe=5EFA3E59)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 01, 2020, 09:51:06 PM
Feel sorry for Ya'all. Seems like you JUST started to clean up the last aftermath.
Back in '82 I lived in West Palm Beach. 1 year was enough then I high-tailed it back home.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 01, 2020, 09:59:57 PM
How soon we forget.  I have been in Tennessee less than three years and my Judy had to remind me that today marks the "Official Beginning of Hurricane Season."
Just thinking about the possibility of storms hitting my place kept me awake night when we were still in Bayou Country.
Good luck making it through this season unscathed, Kris.  You will be in my prayers.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on June 02, 2020, 07:45:05 AM
Thanks guys, it's like I don't have enough to worry about already. Clean up is a fact of life here now, I have most of the house threatening stuff gone but I still have a long way to go on getting the rest of the downed stuff cleaned up. Just one of the joys of living on the Gulf Coast.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 02, 2020, 02:40:00 PM
A dog walks into a bank and asks for a loan...

The teller says "What collateral are you offering?"

The dog leans across the the counter, looks at his name tag and says "Here's the thing Mr. Wakk, can I call you Patrick? I'm actually Keith Richard's son. So you know I'm good for it."

The teller says "I'm sorry Mr. Dog we're still going to have to ask for collateral."

The dog hands him a ceramic elephant.

Confused the teller goes to his manager and tells him the story. He says "I don't know what to do, I don't even know what this thing is."

The manager says "It's a knick-knack Paddy Wakk, give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 02, 2020, 05:51:35 PM
AWESOME JERRY!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on June 02, 2020, 09:41:52 PM
Very cute, love it Jerry!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 03, 2020, 12:43:40 PM
Just watched this video and got a good laugh out of it.
https://youtu.be/xTJYNq4GQAE

When I was in the army I served in Okinawa Japan at Tori Station which was a Army Security Agency location. We used to see the black bird fly in and out of Kadena AFB at least once a week. The security compound I worked in also had the controllers for the Sr71. We were a Army, Navy,Air Force station.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: A moron on June 03, 2020, 01:33:43 PM
Got one for y'all....

My life it seems some times.....lol.lol.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on June 03, 2020, 04:07:41 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/100661067_2383144128644687_4704441205893627904_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQkLK9KTJwY6di4QW-_ho75xE515i7pe9UkEaH9kMzNOvjAeCqeDYoVeWiU6QelX0GU&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=0b513c41e85af26cb69300bf208caedb&oe=5EFDA75A)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on June 03, 2020, 09:14:11 PM
Robert,when were you in Okinawa? I was a Seabee their in 1962 at Camp Kinser.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 03, 2020, 09:59:07 PM
Army Induction

Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction center for physicals.

Neither wants to go to war, so one says, "I hear that if you don't have any teeth they won't take you."

They decide it's worth a try, so they stop at a dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

When they arrive at the Induction center there is a line waiting to get physicals.

They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line.

Just as he steps into line, a big 'ol farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the 2nd toothless guy lines up behind him.

The first toothless guy steps up and the doc asks, "Anything wrong with you?"

The guy says, "Well, no, except I don't have any teeth."

The doc says, "Open up and let me have a look."

The guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, "Sure enough, you stand over there."

The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited.

The farm boy steps up and the doc asks, "Anything wrong with you?"

The farm boy says, "No doc, 'ceptin I have a little case of the piles."

The doctor says, "Bend over, spread 'em and let me see."

The boy does so.

The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, "Sure enough. You've got 'em, stand over there."

The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, "Anything wrong with you?"

He bellows, "NOT A D*MN THING, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN!!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Treeman63 on June 04, 2020, 01:21:28 AM
A young couple had a son and for unexplained and perhaps bizarre reasons the decided to name him Odd. Yep, O D D Odd. As you can imagine this resulted in a certain  amount of trauma in the child's life. Other kids teased him. New teachers argued with him and demanded to know his "real" name. As a teen his first 3 job applications were rejected out of hand because the employer thought the application wasn't serious/genuine. Nevertheless he eventually found a good job and a good woman and raised a family.  As he neared retirement age  yet another of the many irritating jokes because of his name pushed him over the edge and he snapped just a little. "I've had it" he told his wife. "I'm sick of the jokes, the smirks and the raised eyebrows. If I die before you , promise me that you WILL NOT put my  name on my tombstone. Just put the date of birth and the day of my death and no name!" A few years later he died and his wife honored his request. A tombstone with only birth and death dates and no name.....But people visit the cemetery and pass by and read the gravestones and whenever they come to his, they stop and say…................................... " Isn't that Odd?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on June 04, 2020, 02:10:18 AM
Justin, that is a good one. ;D  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on June 04, 2020, 07:00:53 PM
Just got an email from a Nigerian king asking for my bank details to send me $1 million.
They must think I’m stupid or something!

After going to all the trouble of kidnapping his daughter and holding her in my basement I need at least $10 million!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 04, 2020, 08:08:28 PM
Why did the Elephant paint his toenails green?


So he could cross the pool table unnoticed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 04, 2020, 08:18:05 PM
How many teenagers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

It takes 3
One to look up the YouTube tutorial,  one to actually replace the lightbulb,  and one to film it for their social media followers.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 04, 2020, 08:38:45 PM
How many teenagers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

It takes 3
One to look up the YouTube tutorial,  one to actually replace the lightbulb,  and one to film it for their social media followers.

Where's the joke in that?  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 04, 2020, 09:02:21 PM
Thankfully, there are no teenagers around here:  My son is past that and the boys are not there YET.   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 05, 2020, 09:01:47 AM
Shortest will ever.

"Being of sound mind...
I spent all my money."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 05, 2020, 12:44:24 PM
Explanation for all you "American"s out there:  The word "Graton" is the Cajun slang for Pork Rind (aka Pork Cracklins).  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pork_rind (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pork_rind)
This picture came from my youngest sister who has a keen sense of humor.  She and I are the two most Cajun of my family.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 06, 2020, 11:01:16 PM
Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns
at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had
health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."



The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on June 07, 2020, 04:12:11 PM
i want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.


you've probably never heard of............................................ Herbivore. ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 07, 2020, 06:07:39 PM
Heh..heh..heh.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 08, 2020, 10:22:10 AM
This virus thing has really turned the world upside down.
I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 09, 2020, 01:13:55 AM
More Snow Tonight

Norman and his blond wife were sitting down for breakfast, listening to the radio as they did everyday.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have
8 to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to
14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the power went out.

Norman 's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says.. "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 09, 2020, 01:33:01 AM
Good one Mike!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 09, 2020, 10:54:25 AM
Puns from Indian Hills--

Turning vegan would be a
big missed steak



For chemists alcohol is not a problem
It's a solution



Despite the high cost of living
It remains popular







I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.





Big shout out to my fingers
I can always count on them



Tried to grab the fog
I mist



When your down by the sea
and an all bites your knee
thats a moray


Whenever I try to eat healthy a candy bar looks at me
and snickers


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: stevemag on June 09, 2020, 09:07:55 PM
why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?












because they're really good at it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 10, 2020, 06:59:16 AM
why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?












because they're really good at it.

And why are pygmies so short?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 10, 2020, 12:24:16 PM
why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?












because they're really good at it.

And why are pygmies so short?

They didn't see the elephants jumping out of the trees? maybe
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 10, 2020, 12:36:57 PM
And that yellow stuff between elephant's toes is slow pigmies.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 10, 2020, 02:55:31 PM
why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees?












because they're really good at it.

And why are pygmies so short?

They didn't see the elephants jumping out of the trees? maybe

We have a winner!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 10, 2020, 02:56:52 PM
...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on June 10, 2020, 08:10:51 PM
I like a lot. ;D Good one Mike.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on June 10, 2020, 08:36:40 PM
...


To play corn-hole!   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: larspawn on June 10, 2020, 08:52:36 PM
...


To play corn-hole!   ;)

Yeah, that moderator looks like an ear of corn.  Is that what you mean? 🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on June 10, 2020, 08:54:42 PM
Not exactly.   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 11, 2020, 09:27:09 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVhURQ3xCGs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVhURQ3xCGs)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 11, 2020, 09:46:18 AM
Coronavirus One-Liners (Groaners)

* Finland has just closed their borders, so nobody will be crossing the
Finnish line.

* Due to the quarantine, I'll only be telling inside jokes.

* There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months. Then around the year 2033, we
shall witness the rise of the "quaranteens."

* World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract
Covid-19. Dogs previously being held in quarantine will be released. To be
clear, WHO let the dogs out.

* I'll tell you a Coronavirus joke, but you'll have to wait two weeks to see
if you got it.

* I ran out of toilet paper, so I had to start using old newspapers. Times
are rough.

* What do you call panic buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? A Wurst
Kase scenario.

* The grocery stores in France look like a tornado hit them. All that's left
is de brie.

* So many coronavirus jokes out there, it's a pandemic.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on June 11, 2020, 09:51:52 AM
Thanks for a great start to the day Gary!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 11, 2020, 11:16:25 AM
WORK Remedy

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and By hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).


If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means
DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life Completely.


If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 11, 2020, 01:34:48 PM
WORK Remedy

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and By hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).


If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means
DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life Completely.


If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Don't overlook the cure for WORK is to (retire) where Rest-Elective-Time-Is-Really-Excellent  ;D
Yes I just thought up that acronym. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 12, 2020, 08:44:08 AM
WORK Remedy

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and By hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).


If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means
DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life Completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Don't overlook the cure for WORK is to (retire) where Rest-Elective-Time-Is-Really-Excellent  ;D

Good one, Dan. The gears of the ole brain are working well.
Yes I just thought up that acronym.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 12, 2020, 09:22:45 AM
An Honest WalMart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "*(&^ no, they ain't twins!

The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the *(&^ would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 12, 2020, 11:43:25 AM
An Honest WalMart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "*(&^ no, they ain't twins!

The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the *(&^ would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."

 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 13, 2020, 01:16:15 AM
The Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:





"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 13, 2020, 07:36:26 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVhURQ3xCGs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVhURQ3xCGs)

Mike, I must say... I have not laughed that hard in a LONNNNNNG time. I had tears streaming out of my eyes and watched it 3 times before sending it onto MANY people who had the same response!


Here is a classic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW5j8I4uaZU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW5j8I4uaZU)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 13, 2020, 08:34:44 PM
Back when we were "Thick Skinned" and comedy was funny....


I used to have a Boss who had a slang for everyone and I mean EVERYONE!
 No kidding, I was a "Square Head Kraut" (German) and he was a "Drunken Mick" (Irishman)
There were several terms he used everyday to describe someone. Fish Head, Dune Coon, Gook, Palmy.
You know why he got away with it?   EVERYBODY was equal!!!!
 When the Corporate EHS (afro-american) Manager came to the plant and Gary called him "some one who throws spears" and then they hugged each-other I was dumb founded. Come to find out they had worked together for 35 years.  ;D
 Gary served in 'Nam and adopted a baby that was on one of the LAST flights out of Saigon. He said of those 7 babies, his "Little Commie" was the only one to live an he was proud of it.
 I had the pleasure to meet with his family and spend many evenings together. God rest his soul....
 We used to not take offence at the terms thrown out, but laugh and love each other!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 13, 2020, 10:17:15 PM
So true Scott. Good point.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 14, 2020, 12:55:45 PM
Back when we were "Thick Skinned" and comedy was funny....


I used to have a Boss who had a slang for everyone and I mean EVERYONE!
 No kidding, I was a "Square Head Kraut" (German) and he was a "Drunken Mick" (Irishman)
There were several terms he used everyday to describe someone. Fish Head, Dune Coon, Gook, Palmy.
You know why he got away with it?   EVERYBODY was equal!!!!
 When the Corporate EHS (afro-american) Manager came to the plant and Gary called him "some one who throws spears" and then they hugged each-other I was dumb founded. Come to find out they had worked together for 35 years.  ;D
 Gary served in 'Nam and adopted a baby that was on one of the LAST flights out of Saigon. He said of those 7 babies, his "Little Commie" was the only one to live an he was proud of it.
 I had the pleasure to meet with his family and spend many evenings together. God rest his soul....
 We used to not take offence at the terms thrown out, but laugh and love each other!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY)

Had a Resident Engineer like that.
 Byron could talk for five minutes and if you didn't know the lingo you might not understand anything he said.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 17, 2020, 05:46:38 PM
Grin Facts

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

 How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

 I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"




And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on June 17, 2020, 06:52:02 PM
Mike, I like the last two the best. Thank you to all our soldiers, sailors, airmen & marines

To add to your list: If you think it's tough getting older, just try getting younger. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 17, 2020, 10:27:07 PM
Quote
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

I WANT THIS!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 18, 2020, 12:14:27 AM
Quote
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

I WANT THIS!!!!
A guy was selling signs at our annual car show back in October,  and that had that one.
I almost bought it, but settled on these two instead.
(https://i.postimg.cc/RZtvXcjP/IMG-20191111-115554445.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/bZzXv2Yb)

If you search patriotic tin signs online you'll probably find it for $15 or less.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 18, 2020, 10:00:54 AM
Understanding Engineers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on June 18, 2020, 05:31:37 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/103947096_157275982521419_4341725282469706067_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQmqhIebZEHlCrXX7XRlkeJsbcTD0CmKOgoBEXV65sIsN-o2OEHP9jLG7HSk4Rj-uBc&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=bb94ddae3c18ae8f3033300549904062&oe=5F0F81F3)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 18, 2020, 05:50:07 PM
Done
Done
Done
AND.... DONE!

(https://img.freepik.com/free-vector/facebook-thumb-up-like-background-flat-style_23-2147819330.jpg?size=338&ext=jpg)

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mac on June 18, 2020, 07:38:07 PM
Back when we were "Thick Skinned" and comedy was funny....


I used to have a Boss who had a slang for everyone and I mean EVERYONE!
 No kidding, I was a "Square Head Kraut" (German) and he was a "Drunken Mick" (Irishman)
There were several terms he used everyday to describe someone. Fish Head, Dune Coon, Gook, Palmy.
You know why he got away with it?   EVERYBODY was equal!!!!
 When the Corporate EHS (afro-american) Manager came to the plant and Gary called him "some one who throws spears" and then they hugged each-other I was dumb founded. Come to find out they had worked together for 35 years.  ;D
 Gary served in 'Nam and adopted a baby that was on one of the LAST flights out of Saigon. He said of those 7 babies, his "Little Commie" was the only one to live an he was proud of it.
 I had the pleasure to meet with his family and spend many evenings together. God rest his soul....
 We used to not take offence at the terms thrown out, but laugh and love each other!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eC5VaCIsJY)

You make a good point Scott. I kind of thought the movie Grand Torino was making the same point. Back in high school I use to run around and party with a pretty diverse group and we all had similar slang nicknames for each other. I use to love watching Don Rickles on the Tonight Show or doing the Roast. These sure seem to be hyper sensitive times and everybody wants to throw stones from their glass house.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 18, 2020, 09:11:53 PM
LOL!
Hoosier Momma and I saw the movie Grand Torino in the theater when it was new.
10 minutes into it... she leaned over to me and whispered "You know that will be you, right!"
 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 18, 2020, 09:54:39 PM
Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 20, 2020, 03:11:26 PM
Pitiful Puns

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on June 20, 2020, 03:48:05 PM
I'm hiding and extraterrestrial in my shed out back.
I call him Alen.
'Cos he's missing an i.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 20, 2020, 03:57:30 PM
TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

30. When I retire I'm moving up north.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a "dang" who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the décor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

09. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

07. Checkmate

06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

04. I don't have a favorite college team.

03. You Guys.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

01 Nope, no more for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Joe Biden campaign.

Gary

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 21, 2020, 06:12:16 AM
More Puns[/

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that vote s.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she' d dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: larspawn on June 21, 2020, 08:50:49 AM
At risk of encouraging you all, I kinda enjoyed those puns.  haha
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 21, 2020, 10:39:54 PM
Told With an Accent

A guy went in to a Chinese restaurant in Chicago and the matre d' said there was a 45 minute wait for a table but there were seats available at the bar.

The guy sits down at the bar, the bartender comes up and asks, "What you rike?" He replies, "I'd like a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender looks thoughtful for a moment and then says, "Ok. Once upon a time there were four little pigs...."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: nced on June 22, 2020, 03:31:46 PM

  The Perfect Husband

                                         
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a bench rings and  a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

                                         
MAN:
“Hello!”
 
WOMAN:
“Hi Honey, it’s me.  Are you at the club?”

MAN:
“Yes.”
             
WOMAN:
“I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It is only $2,000; is it OK to buy it?”

MAN:
“Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN:
“I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.  I saw one I really liked.”

MAN:
“How much?”

WOMAN:
“$90,000.”

MAN:
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN:
“Great!  Oh, and one more thing.  I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.  They’re asking $980,000. for it.”

MAN:
“Well then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.  They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s really what you want.”

WOMAN:
OK.   I’ll see you later!  I love you so much!”

MAN:
“Bye!  I love you, too.”

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
 He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 22, 2020, 03:46:51 PM

  The Perfect Husband

                                         
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone on a bench rings and  a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

                                         
MAN:
“Hello!”
 
WOMAN:
“Hi Honey, it’s me.  Are you at the club?”

MAN:
“Yes.”
             
WOMAN:
“I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It is only $2,000; is it OK to buy it?”

MAN:
“Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN:
“I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.  I saw one I really liked.”

MAN:
“How much?”

WOMAN:
“$90,000.”

MAN:
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN:
“Great!  Oh, and one more thing.  I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.  They’re asking $980,000. for it.”

MAN:
“Well then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.  They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s really what you want.”

WOMAN:
OK.   I’ll see you later!  I love you so much!”

MAN:
“Bye!  I love you, too.”

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
 He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

That's funny but, it will never happen.... I don't golf.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 23, 2020, 05:44:42 PM
Good Call Coach

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb @$$' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 23, 2020, 09:06:15 PM
Ain't that the truth!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 24, 2020, 10:03:47 AM
I took a pole.
Every one in the tent was angry when it fell down.
I canvassed them after it happened.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 24, 2020, 10:17:30 AM
I never took a c r a p.... I regularly leave them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 24, 2020, 11:39:13 AM
Hear about the Billy Goat who wanted a paternity test?
...wasn't sure it was his Kid.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: larspawn on June 24, 2020, 01:46:13 PM
This post should have a warning label:  beware bad dad jokes!  Lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on June 24, 2020, 03:06:47 PM
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 25, 2020, 05:47:01 AM
I’m a Golfer

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker,

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating,

When once more, the Man yelled,

"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back . . .
"Would the arzhole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 25, 2020, 08:28:41 AM
I’m a Golfer

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker,

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating,

When once more, the Man yelled,

"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back . . .
"Would the arzhole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot!"
FORE !!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 25, 2020, 09:19:36 PM
Da Diet

Ole was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you
should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

Ole nodded... "Ya, but I tell you, I taut I vud drop dead dat
3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, da hunger vas one ting, but vat really got to me was all dat
skippin'!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on June 29, 2020, 10:35:59 PM
Telling Mother Goodbye

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid thing was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car..
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on June 29, 2020, 11:23:00 PM
Q: What are the two things NOT stolen by looters?

A: Condoms and Father's Day cards.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on June 30, 2020, 06:23:53 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/105046144_2402887670003666_3651124531555135517_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn_if48MKj_iQU_ReCAWk13KYjxZh8FWxl2S6J2XgGhIsTpq5ct1gjUjAAhU1Jnlnw&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=30d7c80134f8d910eb5f57d06656459f&oe=5F20EEC5)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 30, 2020, 07:23:05 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/105046144_2402887670003666_3651124531555135517_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn_if48MKj_iQU_ReCAWk13KYjxZh8FWxl2S6J2XgGhIsTpq5ct1gjUjAAhU1Jnlnw&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=30d7c80134f8d910eb5f57d06656459f&oe=5F20EEC5)
Well lookie there.... the light don't go off when you close the door.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on June 30, 2020, 08:57:36 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/105046144_2402887670003666_3651124531555135517_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn_if48MKj_iQU_ReCAWk13KYjxZh8FWxl2S6J2XgGhIsTpq5ct1gjUjAAhU1Jnlnw&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=30d7c80134f8d910eb5f57d06656459f&oe=5F20EEC5)
Well lookie there.... the light don't go off when you close the door.

It's nice to wake with coffee and a GREAT LAUGH.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on June 30, 2020, 01:46:53 PM
“Poor Old fool,” thought this rich guy as he watched an old man trying to fish in a puddle of water outside of the bar.

He decided to invite the old man inside for a drink and a bite to eat. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught so far?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth today.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 01, 2020, 10:22:11 AM
Constantly Late

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker, real sharp,

so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,

but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

It's odd though, you're coming in late.

I know you're retired from the Air Force.

What did they say if you came in late there?"





They said, "Good morning, General."........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 01, 2020, 12:09:29 PM
Mike,  good one - I didn't see that coming.
When I was on active duty (Army) and came in late, I got KP.  They did NOT say good morning General  to me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 01, 2020, 05:38:21 PM
From a former NCO point of view...
.
.
.
BWA-HA-HAA-HAAA!!!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 01, 2020, 05:44:22 PM
Two factory workers are talking.
 The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
  The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
 The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on July 01, 2020, 10:00:11 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/105699569_1911128039020515_1509531492837560707_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmkY5LHdp_pfg63YVzXbfN06kYjPet7GNCvRr7GH7s6izqJtOLYUgScubNMP9GcvSk&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=9f39f1d33d72c091d40b48e679177e2b&oe=5F2329A1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 02, 2020, 07:45:53 AM
Prayer Request

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday," one Sunday morning, took the microphone and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.

That word is: sternum."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dk1677 on July 03, 2020, 10:02:20 AM
(https://external-preview.redd.it/qrS9h6rJqxN4feqFteHcGL894K3hxTg72iQan8DVVGY.jpg?auto=webp&s=0ab8cfd96793ec524f204b5d3fc9835aad3652b8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 03, 2020, 03:00:53 PM
Quick Thinking Fibber

There was a little boy named paul in first grade who went fishing with his dad every weekend. And every monday at school he would come tell the class about the giant fish he had caught. After a few weeks the teacher became concerned that paul may have a problem with telling fibs. She went to the principal and explained the situation. The next day the principal called paul up to the office and sat him down. He asked paul about fishing with his dad and listened to the stories of the giant fish. After this the principal tried to get paul to admit he was making up stories but he refused. In attempt to show paul how far fetched his fishing stories were the principal said "now paul, what would u say if I told you that when i went out to get that paper this morning a grizzly bear came from around my house and charged me?" Paul said "I recken that'd be pretty scary sir." satisfied with his answer the principal continued, "and what would u say if I told u that a little jack russel terrier came out of nowhere and whipped that grizzly bear? would you believe me?" without missing a beat paul said "yes sir! thats my dog spike and thats the 5th bear he done whooped this week!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 04, 2020, 10:01:56 PM
The Arrogance of Old Age 

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

 I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

 with her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top

she said, in a sexy voice,

"I’m a big believer in barter, old fellow.

Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

 I thought for a few seconds and asked,


"What kind of beer you got?"

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 05, 2020, 08:05:37 AM
^LOVE IT^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on July 05, 2020, 11:58:11 AM
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 06, 2020, 04:00:36 AM
Mods; if this joke crosses a line, please delete:

What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?

































Both of them had curds in their way....



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on July 06, 2020, 07:39:47 AM
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 06, 2020, 03:47:30 PM
A couple of performers were on stage and one noticed a man in the audience putting away a large amount of chocolate candy.

"Look at him," whispered one of the singers to his partner, "eating all that candyduring our performance. Doesn't he know how bad for him that is?"

His partner took notice, but said "That's too bad for him. But I wouldn't say anything to him, if I were you."

"Well, after our set is finished, I'm going to tell him a thing or two!"

Afterwards the younger singer confronted the man. "Sir, I noticed that all during our performance, you kept eating all those chocolates. Don't you know that's bad for you?"

The man responded, "My daddy lived to be over a hundred years old, and my grandpa lived to be ninety nine."

"From eating chocolate candy?" the singer asked incredulously.

"No," drawled the man, " From minding their own business."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 07, 2020, 06:51:47 PM
For all of us who are dog lovers  ---V
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 07, 2020, 07:04:24 PM
Muh-Ha-Ha!
I literally LOL'ed.

Neighbor dog a while back would come to our house and steal our dog's food bowl. Not just eat his food but steal the BOWL!
"Dozer" was a white Pitt Bull. Sweet as could be, but naughty to "Reno" my Bassette.
One day Hoosier Momma and I caught him in the act... Then we drew a big black circle around one eye with a Fat Sharpie and sent him home. ;)
Made him a PETEY!

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/87/54/9c/87549cf446d9cffb9f4560ac59c9a060.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 07, 2020, 07:44:02 PM
Not really "jokes" but funny never the less if you have seen the movies...

"Gene Wilder: Master Of The Comedic Pause"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GteUac9Hj6E (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GteUac9Hj6E)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oledawg on July 07, 2020, 08:36:52 PM
What does a Red Devil vacuum and Viagra have in common?
They both put the power of an upright in your hand.  😃😃
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 07, 2020, 09:45:50 PM
If you mix the objects from the first image below, with the objects in the second image; would that produce the objects in the third image?

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 07, 2020, 10:36:01 PM
My Wife is really mad at me today!
I put a stick in a non-stick frying pan!
But I know she still loves me!
I woke up this morning and she was holding a pillow over my face to
protect me from Covid!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on July 07, 2020, 11:08:08 PM
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on July 08, 2020, 03:09:29 AM
Brent, laugh my @$$ off on that one.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 08, 2020, 05:02:07 PM
What do Abe Lincoln, George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt and John Wesley Hardin all have in common?







They're dead!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 09, 2020, 06:12:23 AM
Good one Brent. Sounds (and probably smells) like she had a “real” birthday “farty”.. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on July 09, 2020, 09:58:54 PM
There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 09, 2020, 10:24:42 PM
Saw a reference to one line to this in another thread.
So...now for something completely different....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl8H-rm6kt4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl8H-rm6kt4)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 12, 2020, 07:44:23 AM
Moose Decoy

Bill and George went moose hunting every winter without success. So one year they came up with a cunning plan - they decided to rent an authentic cow moose costume and learn the mating call. They would then hide in the costume, lure the bull moose, slip out of the costume and shoot the moose.

The couple set off for the woods, climbed into the costume and found an ideal spot on the edge of a clearing where they gave the moose love call.

After a few minutes, a huge bull moose appeared. When it was close enough, Bill (at the front) said, “Let's get out and shoot him.”

But George (at the back) said, “I can't! The zipper’s stuck. What are we going to do?”

Bill said, “Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on July 12, 2020, 08:26:23 AM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 13, 2020, 12:43:39 AM
Saw a reference to one line to this in another thread.
So...now for something completely different....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl8H-rm6kt4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl8H-rm6kt4)
Ever seen " and now for something completely different " ?
I can't believe it's only rated PG, it would likely get a very strong pg13 I'd made today.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on July 13, 2020, 09:10:48 AM
"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Now that's funny!

The Monty Python is timeless to me. Still funny. I'm not sure why I laughed so much... "Your Mother was a hunter and your Father smelled of Elderberries."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 13, 2020, 06:16:26 PM
Old Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on July 13, 2020, 07:09:57 PM
If you change elderly ladies playing cards to husband and wife eating breakfast it isn't funny anymore ... it's hilarious.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 14, 2020, 07:28:15 AM
The Old Farmers Wife

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.


From morning til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.


He tried to plow a lot.


One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.


Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.


Killed her dead on the spot.



At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.


This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.


The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."



"And what about the men?" the minister asked.


"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 14, 2020, 11:15:02 AM
Oh, Mike that is horrible.










I LOVE it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on July 14, 2020, 02:55:40 PM
a termite walks into a bar and asks............is the bar-tender here?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on July 16, 2020, 09:16:01 PM
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 17, 2020, 08:07:28 AM
Dealing To Drive

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to an B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went" ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on July 20, 2020, 07:43:39 PM
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 20, 2020, 09:25:09 PM
a termite walks into a bar and asks............is the bar-tender here?

Carl... that did not go unnoticed
Me likey!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 20, 2020, 09:29:06 PM
A Priest, Rabbi, and and a Monk walk into a bar.
The Bartender says...
"What is this, some kinda joke?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 20, 2020, 10:29:07 PM
Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."
What do they say ?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers ! Do you want to have some fun ?"
"That's obscene !" the priest exclaimed; then he
thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray
and read the Bible.
"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your
parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying
that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: "Hi, we're hookers ! Do you want to have some fun ?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been
answered !"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 23, 2020, 09:45:16 AM
Two old boys sitting at a beach bar drinking. There is a tall cliff not far away. As the wind comes in from the ocean, it starts lifting things up the side of the beach. As time goes, the wind gets stronger and heavier stuff starts getting carried aloft. The two strike up a conversation about this. When one says, "you know, if that wind gets much stronger, I believe it would lift a man!"
"No way", says the second.
"Let's go see"
"OK"
So they hike to the top of the cliff. They arrive just in time to see a piece of sign get blown over the top.
The first man says, "Well, here goes nothing" and steps off. To their amazement, he falls for a few feet and then starts rising!! The wind gently sets him down back on the cliff top.
The second man says, "WOW!! I have to try that!" He steps off and SPLAT!!! The first man trudges back to the bar and tells the bartender.
The bartender "You know, you sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on July 23, 2020, 11:23:19 AM
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 23, 2020, 04:13:56 PM
Clown Needed

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out: caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make it to the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does mid-air flips and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey, Willie! For fifty bucks, would you chop off another toe?!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 28, 2020, 10:58:25 AM
A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does.   Do you remember in the Bible
where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that."
_________________________________________________________________

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 29, 2020, 08:37:57 AM
Mother-in-law Tales

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a Mother-in-Law?

A: One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish.


A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?" The man replies, "My MIother-in-Law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome."


I bought my Mother-in-Law a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.


A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my Mother-in-Law, and I wanted to say, "Could you please pass the butter?" "But instead I said, "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."


At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn’t like her and ran her off. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father ran her off.



George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars". George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected. Consequently, I do not want to take that chance."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 29, 2020, 11:10:27 AM
The Funeral:

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, with a dog on a leash, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Dave was taken aback. "And who's in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."

Dave asked,"Can I borrow your dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 30, 2020, 10:37:51 AM
  "Shake and tap on the ketchup bottle.
     None'll come, and then a lot'll."
                                 - Ogden Nash
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on July 31, 2020, 10:47:34 AM
Please Grandpa!

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.

Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that, as soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 02, 2020, 10:07:45 PM
(https://cdn.creators.com/588/283511/283511_image.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on August 05, 2020, 07:17:31 AM
Earring Fashion

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring..

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck.."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 05, 2020, 12:03:42 PM
In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar’s leg in it!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 05, 2020, 04:05:22 PM
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired guy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired guy and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old guy replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 05, 2020, 07:44:24 PM
^ LOVE IT!^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on August 05, 2020, 10:06:33 PM
Yes, please keep these jokes coming.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on August 05, 2020, 11:07:33 PM
One fine morning in the Garden of Eden, God looked down upon Adam and noticed that he was looking glum. So the Lord said to Adam “What troubles you, my Son?”
Adam looked up to God ad said “I’m lonely, Father. I have no one to talk to.”
Adam and Eve JokeSo God said “Then I shall give you a companion, and she will cook and clean for you, and wash your clothes. She shall bear your children and never wake you in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will give you love and compassion whenever you want it. She will not nag at you, and will always be the first to admit she is wrong if you two ever disagree. She will love and support you no matter what, and always agree with any important decision you make. She shall be called a ‘woman.’
Intrigued, Adam asked God “What shall this woman cost, Father?”
God replied “One arm and one leg, my son.”
Adam pondered this question for a minute, and with the seriousness that only comes from complete certainty, he answered… “Hmm, what can I get for just a rib?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 06, 2020, 12:05:28 PM
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. “It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.”

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!’

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 06, 2020, 01:09:17 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on August 06, 2020, 06:11:33 PM
Telephone Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida,
California, and Texas

Governors' offices, asked whether people who live in
their state think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 06, 2020, 07:13:59 PM
Telephone Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida,
California, and Texas

Governors' offices, asked whether people who live in
their state think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa

LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 07, 2020, 10:29:46 AM
You can be sure I will be staying up this New Years Eve, not so much to welcome the new year as to be sure this one leaves!

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on August 07, 2020, 02:24:38 PM
I'm with you Gary.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 07, 2020, 03:07:56 PM
YES, 2020 has been a very bad year!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 07, 2020, 04:59:51 PM
(https://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/2452130/86294325.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on August 07, 2020, 05:45:41 PM
Hoosier Daddy that just is not right.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 07, 2020, 08:37:25 PM
I hate the term "New Normal"
BUT...
What if it IS?!  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on August 07, 2020, 11:10:56 PM
How many people remember this one. Maybe this is the New Normal. :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on August 08, 2020, 02:54:46 AM
I hate the term "New Normal"
BUT...
What if it IS?!  ::)

I'm going back to old abnormal.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on August 10, 2020, 07:52:43 PM
Hillbilly Humor

Two hillbillies in Missouri were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even .
Title: History testName three people shot in the head
Post by: Lani52 on August 11, 2020, 01:24:38 PM
1. JFK

2. Lincoln

3: unknown person in the movie theater sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.

Regards,

Roachcreek
Title: Re: History testName three people shot in the head
Post by: jentry on August 11, 2020, 02:42:49 PM
1. JFK

2. Lincoln

3: unknown person in the movie theater sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.

Regards,

Roachcreek

Eww.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 13, 2020, 10:05:50 AM
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The
chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've
caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you,
and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to
choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take zee sword."

The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself
through.

The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please."

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at himself, says, "God save the
queen!" and shoots.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker
takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides,
the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over; it's horrible!

The chief is appalled, and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"

The New Yorker says, "So much for your stupid canoe!”
**********************************************************

Once, when my two daughters were young, the subject of death came up while
we were sitting down for dinner. We talked about what each person in our
family would be called if another passed away.

The youngest, asked, "What would you be Mommy if Daddy passed away?"

"A widow," I told her "and if I passed away, Daddy would be a widower."

Then she asked, "What would I be if my sister passed away?"

My husband replied, "A suspect."
------------------------------------

"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.”
__________________________________________

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional
killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of
sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate
is found in a 'compromising' position."

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury
candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed
with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have
shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on August 15, 2020, 08:02:23 AM
Wife Wants to Hunt-- One day the wife of an avid hunter says to him, "you know honey, I hear all of your great hunting stories all the time and I see how much you love it so I think I'd like to go with you next year," now this wife obviously didn't know the main appeal of hunting is to get away from the wife but as a good husband he grudgingly said, "fine, next fall I'll take you deer hunting."

The wife was elated, more time to spend together, more time to talk, what could be a better time to talk about the many issues running through her mind than sitting in the quiet woods waiting for a deer to happen by. The husband was sore but once again, swallowed any misgivings and bought her a new rifle, full camo gear, and taught her to shoot. He had to admit, at shooting, she was a natural.

Then the big day came, they loaded up the truck and set off. When they got to the area they walked down an old path and he said, "okay, just sit right here on this stump, I'm going down the trail a ways to have a look around, if you see a deer, take it," she says okay and he sets off.

All of a sudden before he's gone even five minutes there's the distinctive crack of a .308, and he runs back to see his wife arguing with an Royal Canadian amounted Police officer, "you are NOT taking that animal," says the cop, "Yes I am," says the wife, "I shot it, it's mine! You're not going to tell me I can't have that deer!"

"Fine says the cop, just let me get my saddle off him."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 19, 2020, 10:27:58 AM
Odd News Stories

"The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets
owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50."

"Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present."

"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished."

"The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 19, 2020, 11:41:52 AM
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”

“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!” “No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

“And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy. “I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply. “Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 20, 2020, 10:53:23 AM
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed
out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left
costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot
can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the
other two call him boss!”
************************************************************

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and
then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"

"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is
4136"

Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or
would that be too personal?"


------------------------------------

Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up.
***************************************
 
A new and easy test for the horror of COVID-19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean). Take a glass and pour a “decent double” of your favorite Dark Rum into it; then see if you can smell it.  If you can, then you are halfway there. Then drink it If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
 
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness!
 
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
 
I'll report my results later.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on August 20, 2020, 01:35:10 PM
Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. “No problem,” answered the pro.

“But, you have to understand,” one of the guys, named George, explained, “that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We’re all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe’s eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter.”

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary.

“How old are you?” George asked.

“I’m ninety-four,” Gary responded.

“Fabulous,” said George. “But how’s your eyesight?”

At this, Gary blew up. “Don’t insult my eyes,” he yelled. “I may be old, but I’ve got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don’t insult me!”

“Okay, okay,” the others said. “Let’s play golf.”

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.

“Did you see where it went?” he asked the ancient one.

“Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I’ve got eyes like an eagle!” Gary yelled.

“Okay, I’m sorry,” said George. “Where did it go?”

Gary dropped his head, and muttered, “I forgot.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RunsOnAir on August 20, 2020, 03:46:02 PM

That guy who has been praying God his whole life one evening hears a voice calling his name
"Dave, Dave!"
He answers "Yes, that is me, who is it?"
- you have been calling for me your whole life and you wonder who I am?
- Sorry sorry God, I was just surprised after all that time."
- So what is it you wanted to ask?
- Well, the bible says that for you a day is like a thousand years...
- hummm... Yes, and ?
- If that is true, that means a second is like eternity to you?
- It is indeed....
- Then for you a dollar is like a million?
- It is indeed.....
- Can you give me that million then?
- Sure. Give me a minute or two.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 20, 2020, 08:13:07 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/G6AYdCHm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 20, 2020, 08:45:59 PM
What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common?

Well it starts off with a lot of blowing
and then next thing you know your house is gone!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 21, 2020, 09:04:21 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/qPpurGWm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 22, 2020, 10:09:47 PM
Nothing like a double whammy.
(https://i.imgur.com/QWwKYXYm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 22, 2020, 10:25:40 PM
JEEZUS H. CHRIST ON A POPSICLE STICK!!!!

Duck and Cover!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 23, 2020, 08:29:36 AM
Kris, I hope both storms miss you.
But I think both will hit my family down in Louisiana.  We were in Louisiana until Wednesday past.  I was more than ready to get back to Tennessee.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 23, 2020, 11:06:19 AM
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom.

As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.

Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.

Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 23, 2020, 12:42:11 PM
Lost my internet connection last night and couldn’t use Facebook.
I had to spend 4 hours calling 247 of my friends to tell them
 ‘I hate work and I’m having a glass of wine before going to bed, lol’.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 23, 2020, 01:17:17 PM
Wondered where you been Jeff!

Lost my internet connection last night and couldn’t use Facebook.
I had to spend 4 hours calling 247 of my friends to tell them
 ‘I hate work and I’m having a glass of wine "pint of Jim" before going to bed, lol’.

Fixed it for you.
I HATE work... can not shut my mind off.
Wake up every hour and a half all night long, then the mind starts twirling on what needs to happen tomorrow.
By the time the alarm goes off a 05:30 I have already worked half a day!

Wait... That's no joke.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 23, 2020, 01:58:55 PM
Wondered where you been Jeff!

Lost my internet connection last night and couldn’t use Facebook.
I had to spend 4 hours calling 247 of my friends to tell them
 ‘I hate work and I’m having a glass of wine "pint of Jim" before going to bed, lol’.

Fixed it for you.
I HATE work... can not shut my mind off.
Wake up every hour and a half all night long, then the mind starts twirling on what needs to happen tomorrow.
By the time the alarm goes off a 05:30 I have already worked half a day!

Wait... That's no joke.  ::)


i know what your saying.  when i was a pattern maker i kept a clipboard with graph paper on it next to my bed.  i would wake up in the night thinking about the job and jot down notes and drawings. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 23, 2020, 02:17:26 PM
Kris, I hope both storms miss you.
But I think both will hit my family down in Louisiana.  We were in Louisiana until Wednesday past.  I was more than ready to get back to Tennessee.

Thanks Mike, I hope so to. Tired of cleaning up after them. Just have to wait see how it goes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on August 23, 2020, 05:46:05 PM
Hope this hasn't already been told....

A guy walks into a New Orleans bar and says
"Bartender, I'll have a Corona and 2 hurricanes."
Bartender says "That'll be $20.20"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 23, 2020, 06:06:59 PM
^^^^^that's a good one!^^^^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 23, 2020, 06:08:17 PM
what has more lives than a cat?
















a frog, because it croaks every night!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 23, 2020, 08:00:57 PM
Hope this hasn't already been told....

A guy walks into a New Orleans bar and says
"Bartender, I'll have a Corona and 2 hurricanes."
Bartender says "That'll be $20.20"

Shared!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 23, 2020, 08:19:00 PM
(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fpics.onsizzle.com%2Ffloridian-fact-when-the-weather-guys-rollup-their-sleeveswehraisean-eyebrow-4339710.png&f=1&nofb=1)

(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse4.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP.hn5908OZpa0gbJliU11fXQHaJH%26pid%3DApi&f=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 23, 2020, 09:02:08 PM
That is true. 
When your local news channel puts two meteorologists on at the same time, with their sleeves rolled up, neck ties off, it means they're expecting a big storm. They're almost worked up into a lather.
The last storm, tropical storm Isiais, the weather people acted almost disappointed that it was such a wimpy storm. In the 34 years I've lived in Florida, it was by far the weakest storm I've seen. Hardly any wind & barely any rain. The folks in states north of us got far more rain, wind & damage than we did in Florida.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on August 23, 2020, 10:43:57 PM
Hope this hasn't already been told....

A guy walks into a New Orleans bar and says
"Bartender, I'll have a Corona and 2 hurricanes."
Bartender says "That'll be $20.20"

Shared!!!
Ditto
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 24, 2020, 05:10:35 AM
That is true. 
When your local news channel puts two meteorologists on at the same time, with their sleeves rolled up, neck ties off, it means they're expecting a big storm. They're almost worked up into a lather.
The last storm, tropical storm Isiais, the weather people acted almost disappointed that it was such a wimpy storm. In the 34 years I've lived in Florida, it was by far the weakest storm I've seen. Hardly any wind & barely any rain. The folks in states north of us got far more rain, wind & damage than we did in Florida.

Dave, I have been watching Marco, they say it's suppose to take a hard left, at 3 a.m. the storm is 255 miles from my house. Where is the left turn in this deal.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 24, 2020, 07:07:11 AM
Hopefully very soon. This morning’s forecast says a hard left & weakening due to wind shear.  🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 24, 2020, 08:36:07 AM
It sure looks like it is aiming for the central Louisiana area.   :( :(
My family is hunkering down.  Gumbo is on the back burner and the ice chests are full of bag ice.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 24, 2020, 08:50:08 AM
It sure looks like it is aiming for the central Louisiana area.   :( :(
My family is hunkering down.  Gumbo is on the back burner and the ice chests are full of bag ice.


Mike, a bowl of gumbo would be good right now. The only gumbo I have is my yard.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 24, 2020, 07:17:22 PM
Marco is fizzling out. Now, Laura. Hang tough Kris.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 24, 2020, 11:35:32 PM
Marco is fizzling out. Now, Laura. Hang tough Kris.

Thanks Dave, Marco softened us up, lots of flooding here not a good sign. Not happy about being on the crummy side of these storms, but that's hurricane life on the Gulf coast.

(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftribunist.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2019%2F09%2F0903B4.jpg&f=1&nofb=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Septicdeath on August 24, 2020, 11:53:15 PM
What are the three lies of a cowboy?

I won this belt buckle in a rodeo
My truck is paid for
I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 25, 2020, 01:35:39 AM
   (https://pics.onsizzle.com/happiest-day-of-my-life-thats-me-in-the-back-24112343.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 25, 2020, 05:09:47 PM
American History Review circa 2020:


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry,

1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.

"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Who cares about the Japs?"

"Who said that? I want to know right now!" ...she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Bite this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little brat! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh Man, we're in trouble now!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American public if (Place your hated person here) gets elected."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 27, 2020, 04:33:06 AM
I have a pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words too.

What is the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I have been studying my thesaurus recently because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

Doctor, I feel like I'm a dog, please help me!
How long has this been going on?
Ever since I was a puppy.

Do you like my harp costume?
Isn't it a little small to be a harp?
Are you calling me a lyre?

A pirate went to the dermatologist to get the moles on his back checked.
"They're benign," she said.
Unconvinced, the pirate said, “Look again, I'm sure there be at least ten!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Driller on August 27, 2020, 08:54:26 AM
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[/quote]
An ozie and kiwi on a tour of Europe.
End up at Italy.
They go to a pub have a beer.
Ozie goes on that he Dosnt like Italians all that much.
They leave the pub, see a busker grinding an organ and a dancing monkey.

The ozie goes up, drops 20 euro in his hat.

Kiwi goes, thought you don't like Italians.

Ozie, " I don't, but there kids are cute when their little.

Nice!!   ;D
[/quote]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Driller on August 27, 2020, 09:03:36 AM
Hey cheif sitting Bull,
How do we get our names.
Asks a little Indian boy.
Well, the first thing your parents see when you are born, that's what you named after.
Like your elder brother, running wolf ".
Your parents seen a running wolf.
And your sister, soaring Eagle.
They seen a flying  Eagle.
.... Mmmmmmmmm.
Why you ask 2 dogs.. F. #. K.. #ing
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 27, 2020, 09:57:58 AM
Now that I have lived through an actual plague I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.

**********************************************************************************************************************

Really wild how we used to eat cake after someone had blown on it.


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 27, 2020, 12:36:37 PM
Now that I have lived through an actual plague I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.

**********************************************************************************************************************

Really wild how we used to eat cake after someone had blown on it.


Gary

Never thought of it that way. ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RunsOnAir on August 27, 2020, 03:17:15 PM
I never meant to imply you were stupid....
When I asked you spell Orange and you answered "The color or the fruit?" I just got startled...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on August 27, 2020, 08:42:48 PM
What do you get when you mix classic American literature with Mexican alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on August 28, 2020, 08:23:38 AM
I hate peer pressure.
And you should too.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “is this stool taken?”

If you hate yourself, remember you’re not alone.
A lot of other people hate you too.

Some folks like floors & some like walls.
Me? I’m a ceiling fan.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 28, 2020, 11:02:25 AM
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 31, 2020, 11:06:28 AM
My nine-year-old grandson, recently asked his mother about puberty.
She explained that it occurs when children's bodies begin to change.

"Boys," she said, "grow taller and develop muscles. Their voices deepen, and
they start to grow hair, like facial hair." She paused.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes", he replied. "I just hope it happens on a Saturday, when I'm not in
school."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on September 01, 2020, 07:30:06 PM
 I was just checking on the Wisconsin hunting season dates and read this ...
"SMALL MAMMALS'
2020 seasons
Cottontail rabbit
Northern zone   Sept. 12 - Feb. 28, 2021
Southern zone   Oct. 17 (9 a.m.) - Feb. 28, 2021
Squirrels (gray and fox)
Statewide   Sept. 12 - Jan. 31, 2021
Hunting protected species, such as badger, jackrabbit,  is prohibited.moose and flying squirrel
Check the small game hunting regulations for a complete set of rules.
 Since when is a Moose considered a small mammal  ???
https://dnr.wisconsin.gov/topic/hunt/dates.html

(https://static01.nyt.com/images/2010/10/26/arts/ANDERSON2-obit/ANDERSON2-obit-jumbo.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 02, 2020, 10:33:36 AM
Rocky and Bullwinkle-two of my favorites!!!

I ran into Humpty Dumpty the other day, it was really sad.
He is just a shell of his former self.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 02, 2020, 11:05:40 AM
Rocky and Bullwinkle-two of my favorites!!!

I ran into Humpty Dumpty the other day, it was really sad.
He is just a shell of his former self.


Gary


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 02, 2020, 07:47:21 PM
My Wife Can’t Hear......

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet fromhis wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"








Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?"


Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


(I just love this)










"Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 03, 2020, 09:44:16 AM

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.

"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that
she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in
fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there
in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and
came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain
the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:]

"A Coke? You call that a breakfast?”
********************************************************

After standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles for what felt
like eons, my brother finally got to the counter.

As the clerk typed his name into the computer, she said, "That's odd."

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"My computer says you're deceased,"

Surveying his surroundings, he muttered, "Great. I died and went to *(&^."
---------------------------------------------------------------

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

———————————————————————————————
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 03, 2020, 06:20:32 PM
what do you get when you cross the atlantic ocean with the titanic?

half way!  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 03, 2020, 10:56:00 PM
what do you get when you cross the atlantic ocean with the titanic?

half way!  :o

Carl.. at first I was shocked... then I giggled. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 04, 2020, 12:25:08 AM
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.


She seemed surprised.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 04, 2020, 11:13:38 AM
A bike in town has been running into and even over people again and again.
It is a vicious cycle 

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lani52 on September 04, 2020, 03:00:48 PM
A Jewish mother was shopping and making arrangements for her sons upcoming wedding, as the morning were on she tired and decided to stop at a Jerusalem coffee shop for a refreshing cup of tea.

The shop was packed but she found a table with only one occupant, a Palestinian woman, she pondered whether she should ask and decided that perhaps in the end she could make a positive impression in some small way.

She approached the table and asked if she could sit with her and have a cup of tea.  The Palestinian woman did not answer verbally, but replied with a jester with a sweep of her hand to sit down.

The Jewish mother ordered her tea and sat for 10 minutes in deafening silence.  So she removed a picture of her son and future bride from her purse and announced in a joyful voice that they were to marry in the next week.

The veiled Palestinian woman answered by taking out three photos and announcing that they were her sons.  The Jewish mother smiled and said they were good looking young men.

The Palestinian woman replied by holding up one photo and announcing that the photo was of her oldest son and that he had exploded a suicide vest in the market to serve Allah, then she held up a second photo and announced that it was her second son had given his life to Allah at a border checkpoint with yet another suicide  bombing, then she held up the third and last photo and announced sadly that it was her youngest son of 15 years and he had died for Allah at the west wall, again with a suicide vest.

The Jewish mother was in shock and for a minute speechless, feeling she must say something to console this poor grief stricken woman, she shrugged her shoulders and replied, “ Aw children, they blow up so early these days.”

Regards,

Roachcreek
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 04, 2020, 03:45:10 PM
(https://www.al.com/resizer/CUWCSpHTlDZKrpkcucwrnNE8f54=/450x0/smart/advancelocal-adapter-image-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/expo.advance.net/img/3d123e7087/width2048/643_gameofthrones.jpeg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on September 04, 2020, 09:28:16 PM
(https://www.al.com/resizer/CUWCSpHTlDZKrpkcucwrnNE8f54=/450x0/smart/advancelocal-adapter-image-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/expo.advance.net/img/3d123e7087/width2048/643_gameofthrones.jpeg)


Most comfortable seat in the house.....but needs reading material! lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 10, 2020, 11:57:07 AM
Loudest Gamo ever!

Detonating like an M-80.

At least it provided dinner!

Video (https://youtu.be/Rvk51mQqCVs)

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 10, 2020, 01:15:54 PM
Loudest Gamo ever!

Detonating like an M-80.

At least it provided dinner!

Video (https://youtu.be/Rvk51mQqCVs)

-W


What! No one thanked the carrot? LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on September 10, 2020, 02:52:01 PM
Now that's funny!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 10, 2020, 03:16:20 PM
The carrots have been raiding my rabbit cages for a couple weeks now.  So I know what I will have to do.    ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 10, 2020, 10:22:52 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/swtg82N.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on September 11, 2020, 08:14:07 AM
Kris, let's hope for all gutter balls.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 12, 2020, 06:19:16 PM
Snoring Cure

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

"I don't know where we were ... or what we did ... but, by God .

We took FIRST and SECOND place
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 12, 2020, 07:22:49 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/LMQWDOt.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 12, 2020, 09:59:33 PM
Mike... I giggled out loud on that one... :D

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 13, 2020, 03:08:16 AM
Mike... I giggled out loud on that one... :D


He does post some gems.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joekrooz on September 13, 2020, 09:03:20 AM

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the men in the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning, the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 13, 2020, 08:11:22 PM
Thanks!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 13, 2020, 09:01:03 PM
Oh dwats dis tewabilble.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 14, 2020, 06:57:43 PM
A Wife’s Dying Love

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite cookies wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his
remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out
of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned
against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have
thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on
the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite cookies,
freshly baked.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love
from his devoted Scottish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw
himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His
aged and withered hand
trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"Buzz off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on September 14, 2020, 11:12:28 PM
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mac on September 15, 2020, 09:48:45 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WVhbgoe854 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WVhbgoe854)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 15, 2020, 10:28:15 AM
That was very good!

_________________________________________________________________________________
Purely by coincidence a woman ran into her husband in the local grocery store. He
was carrying a beautiful pink azalea, and she joked, "That better be for me,"

From behind, a woman's voice: "It is now."

------------------------------------

Do things with the confidence of a four-year-old wearing a Batman t-shirt.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 18, 2020, 03:09:04 PM
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/87/3a/1a/873a1a3fef563f5bca032d4c88b1ca88.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 18, 2020, 09:28:40 PM
Now We Know

Q: What do you get when you cross onions with beans?


















A: Tear Gas
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on September 19, 2020, 04:22:58 AM
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/87/3a/1a/873a1a3fef563f5bca032d4c88b1ca88.jpg)

It would be funnier if it wasn’t so true.  Welcome to the new reality of generators running and lines forming. New and improved with social distancing. ( I was there for Ivan when we could still sweat on each other)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 19, 2020, 07:17:22 AM
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/87/3a/1a/873a1a3fef563f5bca032d4c88b1ca88.jpg)

It would be funnier if it wasn’t so true.  Welcome to the new reality of generators running and lines forming. New and improved with social distancing. ( I was there for Ivan when we could still sweat on each other)

What's even funnier Mark, when the covid mess got started you would have thought a CAT 5 was coming but the wrong sections were wiped out for hurricane supplies. There were plenty of batteries and flashlights, bottled water, PBJ, cereal, most of the canned goods were still on the shelf, dry food goods, snack section was even fully stocked. The paper, cleaning, and oddly enough, the frozen food section(still haven't figured that out yet) was wiped out and stayed that way, then they let the tourist gate down and that pretty much ended any hope off having anything left for hurricane supplies. I have been stocking up slowly, a little at time, grab stuff when it's in stock. We are not done yet with this mess by a long shot. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 19, 2020, 07:34:25 AM
Outhouse Repair

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."


Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and
yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 19, 2020, 12:03:04 PM
Have a great day. ;)

(https://gm1.ggpht.com/EBkdYGUar2HpMUg1Gbo-ctGjigAsl6K2LqzvHFVIpl621pgdLkdSoSGSPXTochsEAN6jHSGzeyB1bGXTtdFR3ja5IvVPEf0xHwsSNddXgkxZOT9CrZ4C0lyBoKmYcSQAYGcrq_rU7kWJ3E5RerKICyIi8uh2sJe4YEwlj1ngqFzRtbyFbp3vHV80ZL2yd6Gro0idj6GXfqG-g4bKk5YVRICa3HviHW2VUTGSAF9C7oVPnbD5Pa-WTAhiQffvedXXqGCAjS7XeMNOJ8-5AWnnwt7_75TwKMS2Xj7_sd1cyi_Y_iVeZjgKOiFiaCWP2oqr64Mf-y37mGqhMNYlkW1p-wBynXISdUAlV7eTcwSpUTO1LjRl0hqrqO0G2g2jaB-B_QiHODzd4V1ceVWfCa1qNUK-O6wG08RyHVqF6Due0Qs-DcdCrhTIm6D8ZUaYogsmOdxszInbeMWEu3sh2nydOXti2WQ2PL7mPw4kka1IrNI2OeBHG_NJwuQ0e3gSJ5TuefnxBXjelEuKv4lvJhOjpDRtETG4QZ8Xw9VHW2WzXsQdRvyNl7uGRdRwJFVSKaG_h_RmqSdCyxsrJIb4AfRwEC1rmVtMc0SMP-3XOdCtPK6XdrZWavWSTWnkEOPfrBQMaLI_vzLkvDYalIg7x4YPd380yVVvHYWKmiX0IXlMU-WU7q2ItKg--Phz1lMAiZphu8ZgKlDSzamEZxc4S7wdCY26kBKeX1plQu3bIez5oKU_M4OV3dSkgpHS9X0Bi7SyvTY=s0-l75-ft-l75-ft)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 20, 2020, 07:22:45 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/lnMsQj4.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 20, 2020, 09:44:20 PM
Decisions of three Stranded

There was once three men stranded on a desert island, an American, a Mainlander(Canadian) and a Newfie.

One day as they wandered around they came across a geni's lamp. They rubbed it and when the geni popped out he told them they each got one wish.
The American thought about it, and he said, "I wish to be back home, watching my son play little league, with my wife."

And *poof* he was gone.

The Mainlander thought and said, "I wish I was home having a big sunday dinner with my family, with everybody there."

And *poof* he was gone.

The Newfie then started to think about it but couldn't really come up with anything. He thought and thought, but nothing would come. Finally he sat down in disgust and muttered,"I wish those other two were here to help me decide..............................................."

*poof* they were back.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on September 21, 2020, 12:47:42 AM
Guy walking down the beach.
 Yep, brass lamp in the sand.
Yep, he cleans it by rubbing.
Yep, Genie.
Genie says, yep, three wishes. With one difference - whatever you wish, I will double and give to your wife.
Guy thinks for a minute, I want a brand new Bugatti. Bing bang, one is on the beach with him. Bing bang, two more show up with his wife at home.
Guy thinks for a minute more, I want ten million dollars. Bing bang, right there in the back seat, ten million, At home, bing bang, ten million in each back seat.
Guy thinks for a long time and says - now I want you to beat me half to death!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 21, 2020, 04:04:58 AM
I went to the local gas station/convenience store this morning to get a coffee and as I walked up, I noticed these 2 officers watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there.

Anyway, I minded my own business and went in for my drink. As I was paying I heard someone screaming! Man, I’m talking violent death screams! I looked up and saw the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts! When I got my drink and walked out the door the officers had the woman on the ground putting the fire out! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the patrol car. I was thinking, arrested? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a patrol car?
Being the nosy person I am, I asked the officer what they were arresting her for. The guy looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jentry on September 21, 2020, 10:40:07 AM
Outhouse Repair

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."


Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and
yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it!"

This one made me laugh!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on September 21, 2020, 10:42:31 AM
"WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC!"

Awesome
Title: :
Post by: JohnnyPDX on September 21, 2020, 10:46:31 AM
Q: What's the best thing about having a date with a homeless girl?


A: You can drop her off anywhere after the date.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mrbulk on September 21, 2020, 05:19:07 PM
Wow! Way too many jokes on here to read them all in case of posting a duplicate, but here goes...

Three city bums were deciding how to best sleep warmly in the park in the middle of winter, so they decided to lay down side by side with their bodies touching each other for warmth.

Next morning the bum on the left side said, "I had a funny dream that someone was pulling on  all night."

The bum on the right said, "That's funny, I had the same dream."

The bum in the middle started swinging his arms up and down saying, "Oh no, I dreamed that I was cross country skiiing!"
 ;D ;D ;D

(moderators please edit or delete if inappropriate)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 22, 2020, 10:56:30 AM

Better mince your words ... makes them easier to eat.
***********************************************************

Busy in the yard one afternoon, my father paused to admire our neighbor's
new boat.

"Sure is a beauty, Charles," Dad said. Knowing that Charles' wife was
conservative when it came to spending money, my father asked, "Was it
expensive?"

"The boat itself wasn't so bad," Charles replied. "But the extras really
hurt."

"You mean things like water skis, life jackets and trailer?" my father
asked.

"No," our neighbor said with a sigh. "I mean the new carpet, the kitchen
cabinets and the living-room furniture."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
*********************************************************
A first grade teacher asks a little red headed girl: "Why do scuba divers
always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the little redhead girl replies: "If they fell forward, they'd
still be in the boat."

---------------------------------------------------------------

You DO know what a leading question is, don't you?
**************************************************************

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend one morning when he keeled
over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered
with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," he whispered. "I quit."

"That's good. When did you quit?"

"About an hour ago."
---------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her
clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and
started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late!...But don't shove me either.
*****************************************************
Rejection: When your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

GARY
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 22, 2020, 06:49:50 PM
I am gonna share this!
Quote
You DO know what a leading question is, don't you?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 23, 2020, 10:14:05 AM

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red
light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

It's okay, Dad" the boy said. "The police car right behind us did the same
thing."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RunsOnAir on September 23, 2020, 06:27:20 PM

Better mince your words ... makes them easier to eat.
***********************************************************

Busy in the yard one afternoon, my father paused to admire our neighbor's
new boat.

"Sure is a beauty, Charles," Dad said. Knowing that Charles' wife was
conservative when it came to spending money, my father asked, "Was it
expensive?"

"The boat itself wasn't so bad," Charles replied. "But the extras really
hurt."

"You mean things like water skis, life jackets and trailer?" my father
asked.

"No," our neighbor said with a sigh. "I mean the new carpet, the kitchen
cabinets and the living-room furniture."

---------------------------------------------------------------


Gary!!!!! 
Stating facts is not supposed to be a joke!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
When I could not hide from my wife that I gifted myself an Avenger (pre order, delayed gratification), an air compressor, SCBA tank and misc stuff for my 50th Bday, she ordered a brand new kitchen. I'm working on it right now. At least I'm fine for the rest of the list: I redid the flooring last fall, and we wait for the kids to leave for college for new furniture.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 23, 2020, 06:51:24 PM
Love my "Little Johnny" jokes and this was a new one to me...

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts.
So his teacher kept him after school.

When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said,
“I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m very proud of that fact.”

The teacher says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.

She was willing and as she repeated the process.
Johnny then peeked up underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly, “you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on September 24, 2020, 09:25:48 PM
I have used so much sanitizer and anti-bacterial soap on my body that when I pee it cleans the toilet. ::) ;D
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 24, 2020, 10:23:25 PM
I have used so much sanitizer and anti-bacterial soap on my body that when I pee it cleans the toilet. ::) ;D
Bob

Bob, you just made my day!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on September 24, 2020, 11:24:56 PM

    1.Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they live by the bay, they would be bagels!
    2.Which country has the squarest sheep? Cuba.
    3.Regardless of what the Borg said, resistance is NOT futile, it’s just voltage divided by current!
    4.What makes the scarecrow so good at his job? He’s outstanding in his field!
    5.Hey, have you seen that crazy one-legged midget that hangs around outside of Wal-Mart and hides from ugly people? Oh, of course you       
    haven’t.
    6.Why does a chicken coop has two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
    7.What do Jewish women get when they go to the gynecologist? A pap schmear!
    8.So I walked in on my dad chopping Onions one day… and it made me cry. Onions was my favorite cat.
    9.To whom do agnostics pray? To whom it may concern.
    10.what did the zero say to the eight? Hey man, nice belt!
    11.What do you get when you mix Viagra with Chuck E. Cheese? Kicked out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 25, 2020, 10:30:56 AM
Leo-#8 is my favorite!!!!!


My husband was constantly working on our defective washing machine, and his
language was often colorful. One day our daughter returned home from a
movie, and we asked if she had learned anything from it.

"Only a lot of four-letter words," she told us, "that until now I always
thought were parts of our washing machine."


---------------------------------------------------------------

The other day while golfing I broke 70.
Now that's a lot of golf clubs.


Gary


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mrbulk on September 25, 2020, 01:42:43 PM
There's only three kinds of people in the world.

Those who are good at math.

And those who are not.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on September 30, 2020, 10:44:28 AM
Mr. Perfect

Frank !!

 A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just
going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect
 timing. You're just like Frank "
Passenger: "Who?"
 Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time." like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time"
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could
 have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
 sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
 Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
 Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could
 remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
 to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
 Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But
 Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
 Passenger "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake."
 Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
 Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
 clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was
the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure
up to Frank Feldman "
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
 Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank "
 Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his dad-gum widow."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: nced on September 30, 2020, 11:36:01 PM
A Scottish Golf Story

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

"Yes, I do," said Shawn. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on October 01, 2020, 01:38:38 AM
ED, laugh my ^&* off on that one. ;D ;D ;D  Craig 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 01, 2020, 02:29:46 AM
Good one Ed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 01, 2020, 09:49:04 AM
“When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.”



One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
"You had a great checkup.   Is there anything that you'd like to talk about
or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision.   Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."


---------------------------------------------------------------

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
                                                -- Emo Phillips

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 02, 2020, 04:11:08 PM
Doctor? Are You OK?

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.


'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.


Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.


Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.


When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.


When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. 'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks. He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!'



You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on October 02, 2020, 06:06:29 PM
to the dismay of my daughter, i'll be telling this joke to our grandsons.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 03, 2020, 11:27:57 AM

During a revival meeting, an evangelist asked the people in line what they
needed.
One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger,
put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and then asked him, "How's your
hearing now?"
He said, "I don't know--it's next Tuesday.”


 David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a
small rest room by a faulty lock.
When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open
the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked
the door open while a maintenance worker was called.
A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the
doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"
"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."
"They did," said the voice.


---------------------------------------------------------------

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on October 03, 2020, 02:33:32 PM
Are Computers Male or Female?

A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 03, 2020, 02:46:15 PM
Are Computers Male or Female?

A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.

So the ultimate decision was made based on the teachers gender, I guess?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 03, 2020, 05:05:24 PM
'The big Computer' is males (in French =Le gros ordinateur est un homme.)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 05, 2020, 06:09:28 PM
Hip 1957 Mother

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.


Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.



Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw;




why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

""dang" it, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 05, 2020, 06:56:40 PM
HA!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on October 05, 2020, 07:45:15 PM
LOL Good one Mike
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 06, 2020, 10:31:22 AM
A young boy called the pastor of a local church and asked him to come by to
pray for his mother, who was very ill with the flu.

The pastor knew the family and was aware they were members of another church
down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon
at your church to come by to pray with your mom?"

The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he
might catch whatever it is that Mom has."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 06, 2020, 11:52:35 AM
Hip 1957 Mother

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.


Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.



Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw;




why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

""dang" it, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"


😂😂😂😂😂🧐
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on October 06, 2020, 01:12:28 PM
I took more than 50 years to realise how easy to happen are the misunderstandings.
Think, speak, hear, understand .. Indeed, at least, four steps to strumble during communication attempts.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 07, 2020, 10:30:10 AM
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 07, 2020, 11:20:43 AM
Church Ladies Remedy

There was a church down in Texas that had a very
big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were
appalled. They said something had to be done about
this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said.

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 07, 2020, 08:42:23 PM
^HAW^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RunsOnAir on October 07, 2020, 11:11:54 PM
I know that priest! he was in Princess Bride!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 08, 2020, 08:59:47 AM
I know that priest! he was in Princess Bride!
That's inconceivable.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 08, 2020, 10:10:56 AM
I know that priest! he was in Princess Bride!
That's inconceivable.

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 08, 2020, 10:18:42 AM
THAT'S              = 'That is'
INCONCEIVABLE = Unbelievable
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 08, 2020, 10:44:51 AM
THAT'S              = 'That is'
INCONCEIVABLE = Unbelievable

You didn't see "Princess Bride" did you?

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 08, 2020, 10:49:32 AM
Nope, didn't go to many movies in the 80s and 90s. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 08, 2020, 11:11:20 AM
Nope, didn't go to many movies in the 80s and 90s.

It's a funny movie IMO. That was from the movie.

"That's inconceivable."

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTRKCXC0JFg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTRKCXC0JFg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 08, 2020, 11:21:25 AM
How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psycho path.
(a friend told me)

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RunsOnAir on October 08, 2020, 04:59:28 PM
And the priest I was referring to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bY0fdgpISc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bY0fdgpISc)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 08, 2020, 06:20:18 PM
OK... So now I need to watch "Princess Bride"
seems to have a Monte Python tone about it.  :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on October 08, 2020, 10:08:21 PM
OK... So now I need to watch "Princess Bride"
seems to have a Monte Python tone about it.  :D


Best thing is it's got Andre The Giant!  ;D  Used to watch him wrestle on tv.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 10, 2020, 11:12:29 AM
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends
in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by
well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan
to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”
***************************************************************

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.

***************************************************************

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on October 10, 2020, 12:07:32 PM
And the priest I was referring to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bY0fdgpISc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bY0fdgpISc)

I was atill in the Philippines when this was shown.

Great swordfight between Montoya and the protagonist  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on October 10, 2020, 01:47:36 PM
Guy goes into a bar and sits down on a stool. He asks the guy next to him if he wants to hear a good blonde joke.
The other guy says "Hold on a sec... see that guy behind the bar? Is 6'3" and 280 lbs. He is blonde. See the 2 guys behind you? Army Rangers and blonde. The guy on the other side of you is an MMA fighter.... blonde. And I am also blonde. Are you sure you want to tell this joke?"
He answers.... "No, not if I have to explain it 5 times".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 10, 2020, 03:24:46 PM
Some people like white sugar and other people prefer brown sugar.

I like them both. I guess I am ambidextrose.


---------------------------------------------------
Pretty sure the universe is made of 4 things.

Protons, electrons, neutrons and morons.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 10, 2020, 03:28:37 PM
Some people like white sugar and other people prefer brown sugar.

I like them both. I guess I am ambidextrose.

I like that one.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 10, 2020, 03:35:48 PM
There was a bottleneck at the Tickle Me Elmo assembly factory.

There was this one woman who was hand sewing a small bag with two marbles between the legs of each Tickle Me Elmo.
The supervisor quickly informed her that she misunderstood her job.


She was supposed to give each Elmo two test tickles.

---------------------------------------------

My doctor told me yesterday that I have the body of a 25 year old.

Not sure how he discovered my secret so I decided to kill him and bury them both together.

---------------------------------------------

Chocolate comes from cocoa,
which comes from a tree,
which is a plant.
Therefore chocolate is a type of salad.
The End.

---------------------------------------------

Is it possible the person who invented the umbrella originally wanted to call it a brella, but he hesitated?

---------------------------------------------

I'm going to start an all marsupial fight club.

I'll call it Mortal Wombat.

---------------------------------------------

Wife fell asleep with her iPhone under her pillow last night and when We woke up it was gone and replaced with a shiny new fifty cent piece.
"dang" that Blue-Tooth Fairy.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 11, 2020, 03:11:08 AM
Wife fell asleep with her iPhone under her pillow last night and when We woke up it was gone and replaced with a shiny new fifty cent piece.
"dang" that Blue-Tooth Fairy.

    (http://www.w0ipl.net/CatFP.gif)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 11, 2020, 10:12:44 AM
For the big boys:  V
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 11, 2020, 11:57:53 AM
The first ever tablet to download data from the cloud was actually invented by Moses in 1300 BC.

----------

The spread of COVID is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is

2. How dense the population is

----------

If ‘Plan A’ fails?
Remember that you still have 25 other letters left.

----------

Fridays Plan.
Hire a babysitter and tell them the kids are asleep upstairs and not to be disturbed.
When I come home I'll ask them why the kids are missing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 11, 2020, 12:08:43 PM
Jeff's on a ROLL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 11, 2020, 12:35:38 PM
You want to know why I bought an Opel GT instead of a Delorean?
Because I'd probably only drive the Delorean from time to time.

-----------

Survival Tip.
If attacked by a bunch of Clowns?
Go for the Juggler!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 11, 2020, 12:43:46 PM
Insert Tater's gif....


(http://www.w0ipl.net/CatFP.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on October 11, 2020, 01:47:18 PM
What month is cold in 8 ways?
Octo-brr!
Sorry, best I could do... ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 12, 2020, 07:00:26 PM
Doc, I Can Take It

A man walks into the dentist's office to get a tooth pulled. The dentist gets him to sit in the chair, puts on that little paper bib and says, "alright, just a little anesthetic, and we're all set." To the dentists surprise, the man looks up and says, "forget all that anesthetic stuff, just pull the tooth." The dentist explains that this is going to be very painful and he should take the anesthetic. The man says, "listen, I have in my life felt the two worst pains possible, this little tooth pulling ain't gonna hurt me, get it done." The dentist just shrugs, says, "it's your choice pal, but you're not going to like this," ad he grabs the tooth with the pliers, he wrenches, reeves, pulls, twists and almost yanks the man out of the chair. Finally the tooth pops out with a spurt of blood and the dentist stands there in awe, the man never flinched. "How is that possible?" asks the dentist, "you didn't even blink, what were those other two pains that made you so tough?"

"Well," he says, "I was in the woods a while back and squat to relieve some pressure. Well wouldn't you know if a bear trap didn't close on my tender parts!"

"My Lord, that had to be one horrendous pain" says the dentist, "what was the other one?"

"When I hit the end of the chain!" he says.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 14, 2020, 12:22:56 AM
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of Progress?

----------

I love how all these vegans still drink water.
That’s a fishes house you disgusting savages!

----------

The defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner.
He asked sternly, "before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?"
Coroner: "No"
Attorney: "did you listen to the heart?"
Coroner: "No"
Attorney: "did you check for breathing?"
Coroner: "No"
Attorney: "So, how could you be sure when you signed the death certificate that the man was dead?"
Coroner: "Well, the man's brain was sitting in a jar on a tray next to my examination table.
I was pretty certain he was dead.
But, I suppose it's possible he still may be able to practice law."

----------

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.
Then said, "We have reached your destination".
The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".
The 3rd guy replied,
"Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

----------

My Korean neighbor made a pie from Scratch this weekend.
I’m gonna miss her dog.

----------

On my way to Reading, PA
I got pulled over by a cop.
He said
‘can you identify yourself sir?’
so I pulled out a mirror and said
‘yep that’s me!’
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on October 16, 2020, 12:12:24 PM
Are You The Manager?

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar at a quiet, rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to
hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him," she says, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, popping
her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently kiss on them.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers softly, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in
the ladies room,"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 17, 2020, 10:21:02 AM
If 2020 Was a Math Problem:

If you're walking on the Ice Cream at 5 ounces per Toaster and your Bicycle loses a Sock,
How much Gravy will you need to Repaint your Hamster?

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 17, 2020, 11:02:33 AM
If 2020 Was a Math Problem:

If you're walking on the Ice Cream at 5 ounces per Toaster and your Bicycle loses a Sock,
How much Gravy will you need to Repaint your Hamster?

That is impossible to answer without knowing if it was bacon or sausage gravy! Good grief Scott minutia matters.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 17, 2020, 11:10:47 AM
Huh... guess I got it wrong then, I came up with "Orange".  :-[
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 17, 2020, 01:04:54 PM
Huh... guess I got it wrong then, I came up with "Orange".  :-[

OF course you are Wrong!, You Have To Follow the Science!  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on October 17, 2020, 03:49:16 PM
Thirteen! Because there are no bones in ice cream!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 17, 2020, 09:46:50 PM
3 table spoons
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on October 17, 2020, 10:55:40 PM
it's a trick question.  you never paint a hamster with gravy, you paint it with porridge!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 17, 2020, 10:57:13 PM
I will have to wait until Tuesday before I will understand everything.   ::)   
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on October 18, 2020, 06:02:13 PM
Just remember it takes twelve pancakes to cover a doghouse on a Tuesday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 18, 2020, 07:20:42 PM
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
 Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
 "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and peed your pants."
 "Jesus! So then why the heck is she in such a good mood?"
 "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on October 20, 2020, 08:03:45 AM
Thats funny, I came up with 5 miles.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 20, 2020, 11:22:03 AM
Oscar Johnson, the man who invented spell check died Tuesday.
His funfair is next monkey.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on October 20, 2020, 01:35:50 PM
Guys, please try to remember it's an airgun forum..... I came up with 9.27fpe....  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 20, 2020, 08:28:52 PM
Guys, please try to remember it's an airgun forum..... I came up with 9.27fpe....  :o

Nice Bill... but after much research... I believe the answer is "False".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 20, 2020, 08:31:44 PM
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
 Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
 "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and peed your pants."
 "Jesus! So then why the heck is she in such a good mood?"
 "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'

Or yell HOOSIER DADDY !!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 21, 2020, 09:59:10 AM
A friend has made his funeral plans.
At the end of the service he wants the director to close the casket then have the organist begin playing 'Pop Goes The Weasle' over and over.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 21, 2020, 10:15:06 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
 I SOOOO want that to happen at mine!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 22, 2020, 12:05:25 PM
Guys, please try to remember it's an airgun forum..... I came up with 9.27fpe....  :o

Nice Bill... but after much research... I believe the answer is "False".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 22, 2020, 12:11:05 PM
...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 22, 2020, 12:26:13 PM
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

-----------

Eleven years ago today my friend James came running out shouting: "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

----------

Me (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb arse!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?
Me: Our wedding ceremony.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 23, 2020, 10:20:55 AM
Driving through town yesterday the changeable sign at the civic center displayed one of those yellow happy faces with the message-Be Positive.
Is that a suitable message during the pandemic?


Is it really necessary to have Halloween this year?
Haven't we all been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 23, 2020, 02:16:41 PM
Found out long ago that Piranha fish can totally remove the flesh from a child’s body in under 5 minutes.
On the downside, I was fired from that job at the aquarium.

----------

I always put as much money into IRA accounts as I can.

I didn't want my truck blown up.

----------

I was at a yard sale the other day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work.”
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 23, 2020, 10:30:41 PM
This...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ike the GSD on October 23, 2020, 11:10:35 PM
You know what happened when the two cannonballs made love???  They had a B'B...Bahahahahahaha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 24, 2020, 11:02:29 AM
From an old Jerry Clower routine.
Not nearly as good as hearing him tell it.

"If you ask an adult old as I am, what growed up in the country, he'll
tell you we were taught some manners when we were younguns. We had
manners, I'll tell you now. Never, ever, would you be caught taking the
last piece of chicken off the plate, or the last bisicuit. Now you'd sit
there and want it some kind of bad, but you knowed better than to take it
off the plate.
I finished supper one evening and went over to the Ledbetter house,
and they was eating supper. They was all sitting around the table there:
Marcel and Claude and Newgene and Aunt Pet Ledbetter. Well, they was all
sitting around the table, and there was one piece of chicken left right in
the middle of the platter. All of them was a-sitting there looking at it.
A wind come up and blowed the lamp out, and you could hear Uncle
Versie scream just like lightning had struck him.
Aunt Pet jumped up and finally got the lamp lit, and there was five
forks sticking in the back of Uncle Versie's hand.”

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ike the GSD on October 24, 2020, 02:00:01 PM
The man who invented the motorized push lawn mower died yesterday, he went sky diving and when he jumped he pulled his parachute cord 100 times and it still wouldn't open...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ike the GSD on October 24, 2020, 02:03:51 PM
Do you know why cannonballs have such poor work history? They keep getting fired 😜😜👅
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: nced on October 25, 2020, 05:43:53 PM
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California.
They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.


At age 32
They meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."

At age 42
They meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again?  Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52
They meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
 
At age 62
They meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72
They meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82
They meet and play again.
"Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
"Okay, let's give it a try."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 26, 2020, 12:34:58 PM
The man who invented the motorized push lawn mower died yesterday, he went sky diving and when he jumped he pulled his parachute cord 100 times and it still wouldn't open...
Musta forgot to 0ush the priming bulb  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 26, 2020, 01:26:36 PM
Wonder if he had the 'Money Back Guarantee' if the shoot doesn't open?   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 27, 2020, 11:01:29 AM
Remember the girl from high school who said the would only date you if the world was coming to an end?
This year might be your chance.


A priest, rabbit and preacher walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them what they would like to drink.
The rabbit says "I don't know. I am only here because of spell check".

Remember Words of Wisdom?
Show me a person who keeps their dishwashing soap on a high shelf
and I will show you someone who jumps for Joy.


My wife says I have two major faults.
I don't listen to her and something else.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ike the GSD on October 27, 2020, 11:56:22 AM
This guy is driving his wife to Walmart and blows through a stop street and gets pulled over by the police
The officer says " Sir do you know why I pulled you over today?"
The guy says "no"
The officer says " It's because you ran that stop sign"
The guys says " No I didn't"
The officer says " Sir, yes you did "
They guy says " no I didn't"
The officer looks over at the guy's wife and says " Did your husband run that stop sign or not?"
The wife replied " I can't say, I never argue with him when he's been drinking"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 27, 2020, 07:42:26 PM
Quote
A priest, rabbit and preacher walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them what they would like to drink.
The rabbit says "I don't know. I am only here because of spell check".

HA-HA-HAAA!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 28, 2020, 10:04:04 AM
Quote
A priest, rabbit and preacher walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them what they would like to drink.
The rabbit says "I don't know. I am only here because of spell check".

HA-HA-HAAA!!!!

Yes-spell check is my worst enema.
*******************************
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take
care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that
hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, “Once?"
*****************************************************

Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket
testified that a uniformed policeman had given his OK for the man to park
there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him
again, and the man replied that he would. The Judge then said, "Good. When
you see the officer again, tell him he owes you 157 dollars. Next..."


---------------------------------------------------------------

A Consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist then tells you
the time.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on October 28, 2020, 11:30:48 AM
Free vision test.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bReTt on October 28, 2020, 03:51:00 PM
Free vision test.
Thanks for that Whirly!  I knew I had something going on but I wasn't sure what.  Now I can start working on a remedy...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on October 29, 2020, 05:10:59 PM
Free vision test.
Thanks for that Whirly!  I knew I had something going on but I wasn't sure what.  Now I can start working on a remedy...

No problem! Hope the solution arrives quickly!

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 30, 2020, 11:56:35 AM
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her 6 year-old son and
finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, Honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognized his
victory in the struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but
why are you crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my
life."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 04, 2020, 05:22:25 AM
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on November 08, 2020, 12:54:10 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/qezwxfHm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 08, 2020, 10:27:59 AM
Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist.  He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could.  He got back into his car and lowered all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.  Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car.  She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

Gary



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 08, 2020, 10:42:57 AM
A mathematician wanders home at 3:00am, his wife is irate and yells "You're late! You said you would be home by 11:45!!"
"Actually" the mathematician replies, " I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 08, 2020, 09:03:32 PM
Me and the Wife were riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
I told the horse, "That's once."
A little further along, the horse stumbles again.
I told the horse, "That's twice."
When the old horse stumbled again, I quietly reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun, and shot the horse.
The Wife yells, "That was an awful thing to do!"
I told her, "That's once."

----------

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

----------

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.
One to assure the public that they’re doing everything they can to fix the issue while the other screws the bulb into a faucet.

----------

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on November 08, 2020, 10:31:59 PM

----------

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

----------

Thank you for the coffee that *almost* ended up all over my laptop screen..... ;)
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 09, 2020, 03:05:15 AM
(https://pics.me.me/just-a-normal-day-at-the-office-drgrayfang-please-dont-30941113.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on November 09, 2020, 04:25:28 PM
(https://pics.me.me/just-a-normal-day-at-the-office-drgrayfang-please-dont-30941113.png)

More coffee on the key board. :o Thanks Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on November 11, 2020, 03:54:12 PM
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
I always heard a different version.

What's the difference between a northern zoo ,a southern zoo , and a western zoo ?
At a northern zoo the animals are caged inside a heated building 8 months out of the year
At a Western zoo every animal has a Saddle on
At a southern zoo each animal comes with a marriage license
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 11, 2020, 10:36:26 PM
I had it tough growing up.
It wasn't until I was 6 years old before I learned that there was no such thing as Alpo baby food.

----------

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many Cheetahs!

----------

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it," the man answered.
"The frog was nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on November 12, 2020, 04:12:02 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mr.P on November 12, 2020, 04:18:46 PM
What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?




Nobody knows...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on November 12, 2020, 05:19:14 PM
what has 1 foot, 1 head, and 4 legs?         a bed!


why was the belt sentenced to jail?           for holding up a pair of pants!


why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?        he couldn't see himself doing it!


where do sheep go to get their hair cut?                  the baa baa shop!


why didn't the ghost go to the dance?         he had no body to go with him!


why couldn't the skeleton skydive?             it didn't have the guts!


what does a nosey pepper do?          gets jalapeno business!


what did the buffalo say when his son left?        bison!


today a woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant, but i never met herbivore.


this morning i gave all my dead batteries away.      free of charge!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on November 12, 2020, 05:29:01 PM
What has four stander uppers, four puller downers, two hookers, two lookers and a swishy wishy?








A cow
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 12, 2020, 08:58:46 PM
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open!
She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open! Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said:
"Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on November 12, 2020, 09:21:08 PM
(https://www.toyotanation.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.toyotanation.com/attachments/3d8ea450-e823-4051-874b-74e506de6ae4-jpeg.313956/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 13, 2020, 03:27:13 AM
today a woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant, but i never met herbivore.

this morning i gave all my dead batteries away.      free of charge!


    (https://media1.giphy.com/media/3FBwwRCNTSa52/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jentry on November 13, 2020, 11:08:32 AM

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it," the man answered.
"The frog was nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

You made me laugh with that one. It reminds me of the engineer student and the princess frog.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on November 13, 2020, 11:20:16 AM
today a woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant, but i never met herbivore.

this morning i gave all my dead batteries away.      free of charge!


    (https://media1.giphy.com/media/3FBwwRCNTSa52/giphy.gif)




sorry :-\   my daughter gave me a calendar with a bad dad joke of the day and i thought i'd share.  now you know what my wife puts up with every morning.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 13, 2020, 04:30:07 PM
today a woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant, but i never met herbivore.

this morning i gave all my dead batteries away.      free of charge!


    (https://media1.giphy.com/media/3FBwwRCNTSa52/giphy.gif)




sorry :-\   my daughter gave me a calendar with a bad dad joke of the day and i thought i'd share.  now you know what my wife puts up with every morning.

Looking forward to them.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 13, 2020, 04:30:50 PM
Bread is like the sun. Rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.



I WILL take care of my procrastinating. Just you wait and see.



Did you hear about the huge fight in the seafood restaurant-there were battered fish everywhere.



A gossip-The person who can't leave bad enough alone.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on November 13, 2020, 08:50:28 PM
(https://gm1.ggpht.com/9wQdGQl8Z1YEMNXaMzPHj1AJ_aUAVai1ItGWFp-0ugO9RvNxn85pt9wP7hsWRsSR2w18VMdfxZj8P9E0l5mVcPYoB6XTXoQtcBHKpXqpFFNhGDL7GRffHBpnz3Z7pznGQr-aQx6xp6SzmwLsDKswwwyuSW4v7kaZ0IWiW48QwQDnZP95JW47zmOZ7R02z1iHtjy6BF3sLXplFTO4pEfAUMX9dAUsSNMT0UkvSKfBJpUjbWjKJzXvkvz7TC-HKRwO1d9LADG-en-1sFdExZ-PzoNHdmxh78JHCQ8W1T_k3AC5RLYu13vovAUhY-AGNmbyipFNYBK6zZH8KDdF7qdDmkoDynFFvIeWgtSLdVFoS5KXvajdpWHLXejHPd06e1QcZBG9l1ePUyj46dIE_mYgg0ejIlhxC2HPQjKid2c3-2bJ4BNbuJCcT_yVOEVfAA0-JLfX8mOkKWFqNaubnxYkzfSM4bKSAT2pOt401Q9GpaflPbQoMNIZwYBf_UissyERO_XGLuTr2zMMR0INM2NgRtqzT__uiY8Suqm5ymKf_1rke6rjXWHfm2chijs5xj08mISPychQ5SYeWoD6V2J1gbPp9QiuZW4BbQrKOGle4emVIRoPL_Bv4pqWebzus3RyHO4BkDSQnqmG-BsNRfsn1YnGGBMEXOjt9dXT_NIdBQnHSpwm0HIn8JVl5gzRfIvbIy87QRTbLuxlqcAztUdvLrPdAcC7ru_p_cAVUJwdhWUY4g3_CpAxRde4_CkRVUQ9X8g=s0-l75-ft-l75-ft)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 14, 2020, 11:47:59 AM
I shot my first turkey today.
It was awesome.



Scared the &^^& out of everyone in the frozen food section.

*******************************************************************
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window,
stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with
a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked
over to the sign, looked at it, and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the
dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped
up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire
you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went
to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out
the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped
back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign
says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent
dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you
the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw
on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The
manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on November 14, 2020, 11:53:50 AM
why do ducks have feathers?


















to cover their quacks!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on November 14, 2020, 06:56:37 PM
My mind went blank in previous post.

(https://i.imgur.com/tZEh0Kdm.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 15, 2020, 12:40:01 AM
Oh my... where do I start?
Kris... you poor girl. 40's oh my gosh... how horrid!
It has been in the 20's here already. 40 is a warm day now until March.

bavaria55n
Quote
I shot my first turkey today.
It was awesome.

Scared the &^^& out of everyone in the frozen food section.

That reminded me of this....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 15, 2020, 12:51:40 AM
Classic!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 15, 2020, 01:19:39 AM
Good, Clean, Wholesome. 1950's humor on TV

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R14fwado0A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R14fwado0A)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 15, 2020, 10:50:03 AM
How Would You Like It......

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 15, 2020, 04:58:10 PM
^this^
Consider yourself warned.

(https://www.macheesmo.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/castironskillet.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on November 15, 2020, 06:35:40 PM
Oh my... where do I start?
Kris... you poor girl. 40's oh my gosh... how horrid!
It has been in the 20's here already. 40 is a warm day now until March.

bavaria55n
Quote
I shot my first turkey today.
It was awesome.

Scared the &^^& out of everyone in the frozen food section.

That reminded me of this....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI)



I still have the opinion I had the first time I saw this video. He would be pulling my driver from the back of his head!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on November 15, 2020, 06:51:52 PM
Oh my... where do I start?
Kris... you poor girl. 40's oh my gosh... how horrid!
It has been in the 20's here already. 40 is a warm day now until March.

bavaria55n
Quote
I shot my first turkey today.
It was awesome.

Scared the &^^& out of everyone in the frozen food section.

That reminded me of this....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNuVhGvOwtI)



I still have the opinion I had the first time I saw this video. He would be pulling my driver from the back of his head!!!

I'm not a golfer but to me, that wasn't funny at all.  There's a difference between playing a practical joke and frightening someone.  IIRC, Just for Gags is out of Canada but had he done this in the states, the consequences could have been severe.

I would never pull a prank with a gun no matter how much money someone would pay me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 15, 2020, 06:59:25 PM
Sorry if it was distasteful to some...
Maybe this will help.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend...
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read"

G. Marx


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 15, 2020, 07:52:42 PM
Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher then the average house due to its powerful hind legs?Researchers attribute that to the fact that the average house can't jump.

----------

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?," asked the duck's former owner,
"did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

----------

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!

-----------

Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room.
One lion says to the other,
"Forget it, those things taste funny!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on November 15, 2020, 08:38:07 PM
↓ Not a joke but funny none the less.


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 16, 2020, 10:26:59 AM
People keep telling me 60 is the new 40.
The cop I met today didn't agree.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on November 16, 2020, 11:29:58 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/XpqYx7xm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on November 16, 2020, 01:23:43 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/XpqYx7xm.jpg)

That looks like where I am in So. CA Today.
44 as a overnight low 88 as a high this afternoon.
The rest of the week is going to be cooler though with highs in the low 70's next week looks like highs in the upper 60's
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 16, 2020, 09:03:54 PM
A bear is chasing a bunny when all of a sudden a genie appears and grants them each three wishes.
The bear, being very selfish, wishes that all the bears in his forest were female and instantly it is done.
Then the bunny wishes he had a lifetime supply of carrots in his backyard.
For his next turn, the bear wishes that all the other bears in his entire nation were female.
The bunny wishes for a motorcycle.
Finally on the last wish, the bear wishes that all the other bears on the whole earth were female.
The bunny wishes that the bear was gay and rides home on his motorcycle.

----------

Why are worms great at poker?
They have five hearts.

----------

I hope Christmas is better this year.
Last year my Wife got me SUV.
Socks, Underwear, and Viagra!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 17, 2020, 01:38:17 AM
LOL Jeff!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on November 17, 2020, 09:48:39 AM
Aroma in Cents

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce! Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, " Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce! About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then says, "Broccoli...............49 cents a pound."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on November 17, 2020, 09:29:36 PM
(https://bedno.com//p/a/2012b/v/20120610175326-2995.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on November 17, 2020, 09:47:11 PM
Old married couple play fart football.

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas. His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'seven points, it's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’

Not to be outdone the wife soon rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Soon she squeezes another little one out, a squeaker, and proudly announces, ‘Field goal, I'm ahead 17 to 14.’

Now the pressure is on for the old man and he refuses to accept defeat.
Giving it everything he's got he strains and accidentally poops the bed.

The wife says, 'Now what was that?’

The old man says, “Half time, time to switch sides”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 18, 2020, 06:34:47 PM
A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home.
As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, "I'm a @#$%^&! I'm a @#$%^&!"
The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird.
The minister suggests,
"I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long.
Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine? Your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious."
The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot.
After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying,
"I'm a @#$%^&! I'm a @#$%^&!"
The priest's parrot replies,
"Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"

----------

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him!
"I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.
" Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve,
"and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now!
 I heard one ask the other,
 "Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 18, 2020, 07:26:25 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 21, 2020, 04:33:00 PM
The couple next door had a fire in their home.
The firefighters told them that the fire in the house was caused by arson.
The neighbors told me
"The spooky thing is, We don't have children!"

-----------

I have made a resolution not to eat Thanksgiving dinner leftovers this year.

I am quitting cold turkey!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 21, 2020, 07:24:22 PM
And Now for Something Completely Different
I used to know the words by heart....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfRdur8GLBM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfRdur8GLBM)

Oh,, and I too object to all this sex on the television...
I keep falling off as well!!!

Of course, first, you need to buy a dead Parrot. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 21, 2020, 08:08:54 PM
I took the batteries out of my CO2 alarm.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*************************************************************
Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?
********************************************
A little girl told her grandfather-If you give me a dollar I will tell you who sleeps with grandma when your gone.

He said here, I'll give you ten dollars.

After getting the money  she said-ME!
*********************************

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 21, 2020, 08:21:06 PM
I took the batteries out of my CO alarm.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*************************************************************

Fixxed.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on November 21, 2020, 10:16:56 PM
Oh,, and I too object to all this sex on the television...
I keep falling off as well!!!

What's funny is that people like my grandkids won't get this joke because they will only know TVs that are mounted on the wall.  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on November 21, 2020, 10:39:01 PM
And then there were the rabbit ears with aluminum foil to contend with.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 22, 2020, 04:27:58 AM
Hahaha... or clothes hanger.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 22, 2020, 12:11:05 PM
Another day and I'm off and running like a herd of turtles!

Had to drive the Wife's guinea pig to the Vet. The new golf clubs are great!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 22, 2020, 01:04:37 PM
I took the batteries out of my CO alarm.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*************************************************************

Fixxed.  ;)

Thanks, I guess I am still suffering from all that beeping.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 22, 2020, 02:23:53 PM
HAHAHA.
If you spend much time in a camper with an overly sensitive Carbon Monoxide sensor you can relate!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 22, 2020, 02:24:52 PM

Had to drive the Wife's guinea pig to the Vet. The new golf clubs are great!

Took me a minute... BUT I LOVE IT!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 22, 2020, 02:38:40 PM
Fed up with failure in preventing coyotes from killing his sheep, a rancher brought out his rifle to eliminate the pack.
 Suddenly, a federal bureaucrat rushed up and breathlessly screamed,
"Wait! There's no need to do that. We've developed a new drug that renders them impotent!"
"I don't know what y`all do in Washington," drawled the rancher taking aim again,
"but out here the coyotes eat the sheep!"

----------

One night a Deer, a Skunk and a Duck went out for dinner at a restaurant.
When it came time to pay, the Skunk didn't have a scent, the Deer didn't have a buck,
so they put it on the Duck's bill.

----------

When one door closes and another door opens?
You are probably in prison.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ike the GSD on November 24, 2020, 02:04:49 AM
You know what happens if you neuter all the ship's cannonballs ? They lose their ball-bearings.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on November 24, 2020, 10:56:14 PM
Whaddya call a Mexican bbq in the dead of winter.........................









Chile con carne
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 26, 2020, 08:25:23 AM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,
"especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

----------

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say,
"Did you bring the money?"

----------

If you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 26, 2020, 08:47:24 AM
Quote
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say,
"Did you bring the money?"

I AM SOOOO DOING THIS!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on November 26, 2020, 10:35:31 AM
Quote
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say,
"Did you bring the money?"

I AM SOOOO DOING THIS!!!

I dare you to reach in your coat pocket when you say that.  Go ahead.  I double-dog-triple-dare you:-)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 26, 2020, 10:41:24 AM
My luck - the person next to me would be an undercover officer!   ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on November 26, 2020, 11:36:59 AM
once when you could stand in lines next to one another, i started scratching myself all over mumbling "she said this wasn't contagious".


i got some weird looks and one mother took her child and left the line.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 26, 2020, 01:26:27 PM
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask,
"Why, what did you hear?"

-----------

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane.
10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette.
They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die.
No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words,
"I'll get off."
The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping.
Problem solved.

----------

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on!

----------

I had my patience tested today.
I'm negative.

----------

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.
She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes!
I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do!
I memorized all the state capitals!"
One of the guys, of course, said,
"I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 28, 2020, 02:10:38 PM
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a cat this weekend. The teacher asked if he took the cat home and took care of it.
“It was dead,” informed the student.
“How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“Because I perturbed in its ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher exclaimed appalled.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ in its ear and it didn’t move.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on November 29, 2020, 12:43:10 AM
Why can’t Tyrannosaurus Rex play piano?

Because they’re all dead.

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

The “P” is silent

What has 4 wheels and flies?

Garbage truck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 29, 2020, 08:18:09 AM
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom.
As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband,
"I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"
Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe.
The husband said,
"I thought you were hanging yourself."
She said,
"Yes, I am!"
The husband replied,
"Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"
She said,
"I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

----------

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people police officers.

----------

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 29, 2020, 08:23:09 AM
Quote
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out!

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on November 29, 2020, 09:18:04 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/fEwSiYzm.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 29, 2020, 09:35:48 AM
Nice Kris!
 That one is even top of the line... both AM and FM!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on November 29, 2020, 10:44:00 AM
Nice Kris!
 That one is even top of the line... both AM and FM!

One of my mechanic buddies had to fish a cell phone out of a cassette player/car radio because the kid thought it was a docking port.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 29, 2020, 12:16:47 PM
I took apart an hard drive (many years ago) to clean out the remains of a Pop Tart that one of my mentally/morally challenged students had put there.  How do I know - he/she may have thought it was a toaster.  Hee hee
The joke was on me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 29, 2020, 01:17:55 PM
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league day, he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.

After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful Blonde women walking nearby and he asked her, “Could you please do me a favor?”

“Sure,” she replied.

He went on to say, “I can’t reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away.” “Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?”

“No problem,” she replied.

When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, “Gee, what are these for?” He replied, “Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I’m driving.”

To which she commented, “Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything.”

----------

Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on November 29, 2020, 06:42:32 PM
Nice Kris!
 That one is even top of the line... both AM and FM!

One of my mechanic buddies had to fish a cell phone out of a cassette player/car radio because the kid thought it was a docking port.  ::)
Worst one I've seen was a slice of balogna in a dvd drive.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 29, 2020, 07:55:44 PM
About 30 years ago... one of my Daughters put a "Pop-Tart" in the VCR...
No one has fessed up to this day.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on November 30, 2020, 11:28:22 AM
About 30 years ago... one of my Daughters put a "Pop-Tart" in the VCR...
No one has fessed up to this day.  ::)

  None of my three kids did anything like that.

  My younger brother (A.D.D.) cut the fringe off an Indian blanket that my mom's grandma had given to my mom, because he "was in pain". He was in more pain afterward, so that didn't help, LOL. Well used paddles were the cure for A.D.D.! Better than medication, the case study in our house with my older and younger brother came to that conclusion at least.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on November 30, 2020, 08:24:22 PM
About 30 years ago... one of my Daughters put a "Pop-Tart" in the VCR...
No one has fessed up to this day.  ::)

  None of my three kids did anything like that.

  My younger brother (A.D.D.) cut the fringe off an Indian blanket that my mom's grandma had given to my mom, because he "was in pain". He was in more pain afterward, so that didn't help, LOL. Well used paddles were the cure for A.D.D.! Better than medication, the case study in our house with my older and younger brother came to that conclusion at least.

Spanking didn’t work for us :D we would laugh, don’t ask why, it hurt but we laughed anyways. What ended up getting us was timeouts. Sitting with your nose in the corner for 30min was something I haven’t forgotten to this day.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on November 30, 2020, 10:03:36 PM
About 30 years ago... one of my Daughters put a "Pop-Tart" in the VCR...
No one has fessed up to this day.  ::)

  None of my three kids did anything like that.

  My younger brother (A.D.D.) cut the fringe off an Indian blanket that my mom's grandma had given to my mom, because he "was in pain". He was in more pain afterward, so that didn't help, LOL. Well used paddles were the cure for A.D.D.! Better than medication, the case study in our house with my older and younger brother came to that conclusion at least.

Spanking didn’t work for us :D we would laugh, don’t ask why, it hurt but we laughed anyways. What ended up getting us was timeouts. Sitting with your nose in the corner for 30min was something I haven’t forgotten to this day.


ATTENTION
Sidebar:

  Kids are not all the same and don't react the same. From what I have seen correctly using spanking is very effective with most children. It can never be out of anger or without an explanation and good talk or it can cause resentment. I also will say with my three children 99% of the swats they got were before age 7. Discipline should never be because they did something by accident or something they made a mistake about, it should be reserved for acts of rebellion or disobedience.
   I think if you don't have them respectful and obedient by 7 or 8 at the oldest they probably never will be. When we went out I was told very often by strangers they were amazed how well behaved our children were.

 When my younger brother was 12 my parents left him to stay with us while they went on vacation for 7 weeks and his grades in school went from D's to straight A's while they were gone. Now I had a huge advantage over my parents because I was working till 1PM each day so I was home when he got home from school and I made sure he did ALL homework before he could do anything else. He learned quickly that with me he could not win an argument and that I talked to his teachers. From that time all the way through High School he continued to get straight A's since then my parents knew he could do it. I never spanked him as I was not his parent but I did find a way to gain control. You could say being made to sit at the table until the homework was done was a time out when he at first refused to do it.

So different circumstances call for different methods but, I think correctly spanking young kids can avoid the need for later punishments nearly completely.

There are too many kids that get abused and there are at least as many that get neglected as bad or worse. Adults need to talk and reason with young people and teach them how to think for themselves.

  I am not claiming I could raise any child just what I know works most of the time. I am certainly not perfect and made my own mistakes before, during, and after my children were growing up, and I am sure I still make mistakes and I don't know everything. 

NOW BACK TO THE JOKES
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 01, 2020, 12:27:31 AM
What ended up getting us was timeouts. Sitting with your nose in the corner for 30min was something I haven’t forgotten to this day.

I got sent to the corner in school when I was a little twerp and I was ticked about it so I kicked a hole in the wall with my boot. All the kids in class yelled UMM and I got picked up early from school. Teacher never sent me to the corner again though! :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on December 01, 2020, 12:45:21 AM
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 01, 2020, 10:26:52 AM
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”


Christmas tunes for older folks-

Sleigh Bells Ring.
 Can You Hear Them?

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on December 01, 2020, 01:04:32 PM
She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

During a talk, I told this joke at a Religious retreat (we were in a men's prison, so I added an explicative that starts with "f" before chicken), afterword I had an Ordained Deacon who is good friends with my wife and I come up and tell me that even though we are supposed to make our testimonies personal, I shouldn't tell stories about my wife that put her in a bad light, and also he didn't believe that she would swear at me.

I almost hurt myself trying not to roll on the floor laughing. I am laughing right now thinking about it. Someday I'm going to tell him it's a joke.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on December 01, 2020, 02:27:52 PM
Samantha, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you… if its still okay…”

“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

“No, no… that’s not it at all,” Samantha confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 01, 2020, 07:00:01 PM
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
That would be my wife and I!😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on December 02, 2020, 02:56:29 AM
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 02, 2020, 03:11:03 AM
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes.
   (https://i.giphy.com/media/3FBwwRCNTSa52/giphy.webp)




Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 02, 2020, 06:47:30 AM
GOOD ONE!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 02, 2020, 07:06:53 AM
Nice! Now I got to clean up my laptop key board.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 03, 2020, 02:22:33 PM
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice.
She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"
She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs.
The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"
The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

-----------

This is the last time I build a SnowMan!

I built a snowman.
A women's libber comes by and complains there's no snowwoman.
So I built a SnowWoman.

Nursery teacher walks by and complains about the indicated breasts of the Snowwoman.

The gay man from vis-à-vis says there should be two snowmen.

The vegan from over the street is angry about the waste of root vegetables.

Someone calls me a racist because the snow is white.

Fatma from around the corner demands a headscarf for the Snowwomen.

Police arrives and closely watches the scenario.
The SWAT arrives because the broomstick could be used as a blunt weapon.

ISIS claims responsibility.

My mobile phone is being seized and checked while i am blindfolded and transported to the Federal Prosecutor General via helicopter.

The regulatory agency steps up and demands $1000 fine because Snowmen and Snowwomen do not wear masks and for not keeping minimum contact distance.

The snow melts and i am being accused of destroying evidence.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 05, 2020, 12:31:23 PM
Feeling cold?
Go stand in the corner.
Its 90 degrees.

A friend of mine was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to him.

A perfectionist walked into a bar,
apparently it was not set high enough.

Great news!
There is a new toilet paper that is infused with CBD.
Now everyone can calm their butts down.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 05, 2020, 01:30:52 PM
very good Gary!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 06, 2020, 02:14:26 PM
I really wanted to be a monk,
But I never got the chants.

To the person who stole my glasses.
I will find you.
I have contacts.

Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me,
I was like-What the *(&^ man.

Rocky Mountain Oysters,
The original sack lunch.

If any of you know who to fix broken hinges,
my door is always open.

A friend sent me these and the last batch-they are from the Indian Hills Signs.
They have some really good ones.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 06, 2020, 02:19:15 PM
Always a chuckle Gary!
But this last one I just don't get...
Quote
A friend sent me these and the last batch-they are from the Indian Hills Signs.
They have some really good ones.

 ;) ;D ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ike the GSD on December 06, 2020, 03:41:27 PM
Do you know the difference between an onion and an Iguana? Nobody cries when you cut up an Iguana ...🦎👍
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on December 06, 2020, 08:14:23 PM
Wife sent me this.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 06, 2020, 08:26:21 PM
Always a chuckle Gary!
But this last one I just don't get...
Quote
A friend sent me these and the last batch-they are from the Indian Hills Signs.
They have some really good ones.

 ;) ;D ;)


https://www.9news.com/article/life/style/colorado-guide/the-story-behind-that-punny-sign-in-indian-hills/73-560359663 (https://www.9news.com/article/life/style/colorado-guide/the-story-behind-that-punny-sign-in-indian-hills/73-560359663)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 07, 2020, 09:59:35 AM
Thanks Carl.
They do a great job with them.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on December 07, 2020, 05:14:17 PM
 I tried this Covid 19 Test and it truly works !!!!!!!           

 

A new and easy test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).

 
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it.  If you can, then you are halfway there.

 
Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
 
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.
 
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
 
I'll report my results later.

 

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 07, 2020, 06:39:36 PM
i druuuussstt triiid theees unnn iiiiitttt wwweeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkk  kk.  afffttrrrr   ffff ffffiii ffff  ffIIIve drruunks, i i i i coouuuld ddnnttt  tt ttt ttt ttaasttte annyythhhhaaing!  i i iiii fffffeeeeeel sssleeeepppyyyyy
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 07, 2020, 07:25:31 PM
The wind is blowing so... Southern California Edison shut off our power again. I think it is aimed at ruining the fixins for Christmas dinner. It isn't going to work because my generators are running. The joke is on them, LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on December 07, 2020, 08:52:01 PM
These are supposed to be from Burma Shave signs:

"Don't lose your head; to gain a minute. You need your head; your brains are in it."

"A little powder, a lotta lead. Shoot em' once and they be dead."

"Car in ditch; driver in tree. The moon was full; and so was he."

There were more, used to be run in the local paper on and off but can't remember them...
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on December 07, 2020, 10:08:04 PM
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in house wares”… and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!”

And last, but certainly not least…

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on December 08, 2020, 01:26:17 AM
Great one Leo.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on December 08, 2020, 08:40:50 AM
Genius!!!! I'm going to try some of those if you don't mind.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 08, 2020, 10:26:41 AM
Thank you Tater for starting this thread and everyone who contributes.
With everything going on it is one of the good parts of my day.
And your icon still makes me smile.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 08, 2020, 01:49:28 PM

         (https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fpng-4.vector.me%2Ffiles%2Fimages%2F3%2F0%2F305578%2Fthumb_thumb&f=1&nofb=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 08, 2020, 04:11:22 PM
These are supposed to be from Burma Shave signs:

"Don't lose your head; to gain a minute. You need your head; your brains are in it."

"A little powder, a lotta lead. Shoot em' once and they be dead."

"Car in ditch; driver in tree. The moon was full; and so was he."

There were more, used to be run in the local paper on and off but can't remember them...
Jesse

I drive old route 66 on my way to the transfer station aka dump. There's a few burma shave signs along the way. The only one I can remember right now (durn sometimers) If hugging on highways is your sport, trade in your car for a davenport.
Oh, there's "the angels that guard you while you drive. retire at 65"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 08, 2020, 07:47:22 PM
Deleted
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 08, 2020, 11:05:44 PM
What do you call an electrocuted African? Shocka Zulu.

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on December 09, 2020, 08:06:54 AM
"Why don't we ever hear about 'Olive,' the 10th reindeer?" asked Bert.

"What 10th reindeer?" asked Scott.

"You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on December 09, 2020, 08:25:00 AM
Leo,

Another one is to go to customer service and ask them to page your lost brother... his name is "Mike Hunt"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on December 09, 2020, 10:43:40 PM
    1.The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”
    2.I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
    3.Crime doesn’t pay… Does that mean my job is a crime?
    4.This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog,     
       busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
    5.Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an   
      idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
    6.I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
    7.Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming 
       just a little too high.
    8.What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the
       parachute packing plant.
    9.I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
    10.When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman
      talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
    11.Please turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
    12.Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
    13.Never forget that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
    14.I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
    15.What do u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna 
        come.
    16.I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
    17.Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
    18.If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
    19.Born Free… Taxed to Death.
    20.We will now upgrade your brain, please wait… searching… searching… still
        searching… sorry NO BRAIN found.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on December 10, 2020, 12:29:18 AM
4 gave me a good laugh ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 10, 2020, 12:34:48 AM
Leo,

Another one is to go to customer service and ask them to page your lost brother... his name is "Mike Hunt"

Or reserve a table for the Jakovs at a busy restaurant. Its guaranteed laughs when the hostess yells that out in the crowd. :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 10, 2020, 11:13:24 AM
If you get an email about canned meat don't open it.
It's spam.

Not to brag but I just went into another room and actually remembered why,
Of course it was the bathroom.

When I finish eating I have to show my hands to the dog,
just like a black jack dealer.

I might wake up early tomorrow and go running.
I also might wake up early and win the lottery.
Odds are about the same.

Hugh Hefter became a multi millionaire staying home in his jimmies.
Not working so well for me.

You can't fix stupid.
turns out you can't quarantine it either.

One of the symptoms of COVID 19 is not taste?
Looking back on my exes turns out I have been infected for years.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 10, 2020, 08:04:44 PM
Quote
If you get an email about canned meat don't open it.
It's spam.

LOVE THIS ONE!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on December 10, 2020, 09:34:31 PM
Leo,

Another one is to go to customer service and ask them to page your lost brother... his name is "Mike Hunt"
Someone beat me to it and told the lady at the customer service to page her friend Seymour Bush that her friend will see you by the customer service desk.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on December 11, 2020, 01:55:44 AM
It’s a classic to call a bar and ask for Al Kohalik.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 11, 2020, 01:10:32 PM
If you get an email about canned meat don't open it.
It's spam.

Not to brag but I just went into another room and actually remembered why,
Of course it was the bathroom.

When I finish eating I have to show my hands to the dog,
just like a black jack dealer.

I might wake up early tomorrow and go running.
I also might wake up early and win the lottery.
Odds are about the same.

Hugh Hefter became a multi millionaire staying home in his jimmies.
Not working so well for me.

You can't fix stupid.
turns out you can't quarantine it either.

One of the symptoms of COVID 19 is not taste?
Looking back on my exes turns out I have been infected for years.

Gary
Love that one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 11, 2020, 01:51:44 PM
A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk,
“Where do you keep the curtains for computers?”
The clerk answers with a puzzled face,
“Curtains for computers? You don’t need curtains for computers.”
The blonde’s eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers,
“Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 11, 2020, 04:09:12 PM
Jeff, that is sooooo good.  But I was read the riot act last time I told my blonde wife one of those. 
(It is getting too cold to sleep in the garage.)   ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 11, 2020, 04:42:49 PM
how do you know when a blonde has used your computer?


there's white out on the screen.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 11, 2020, 04:58:21 PM
If you get an email about canned meat don't open it.
It's spam.

Not to brag but I just went into another room and actually remembered why,
Of course it was the bathroom.

When I finish eating I have to show my hands to the dog,
just like a black jack dealer.

I might wake up early tomorrow and go running.
I also might wake up early and win the lottery.
Odds are about the same.

Hugh Hefter became a multi millionaire staying home in his jimmies.
Not working so well for me.

You can't fix stupid.
turns out you can't quarantine it either.

One of the symptoms of COVID 19 is not taste?
Looking back on my exes turns out I have been infected for years.

Gary
Love that one.

Sadly it isn't a joke!
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 11, 2020, 04:59:00 PM
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the
way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet ..."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 11, 2020, 06:22:44 PM
Another true story... I swear!
When I was married to my first wife.."Satan's Daughter"... the definition of a true "Blonde".

We were preparing to go to Florida for Spring Break, and she was going around the house unplugging all the electrical appliances... lamps, toaster, blender, and the old T.V.
"what are you doing that for?" says I.
"I don't want to use electricity while we are are gone" was her reply.

I said "Don't do that.. The electricity will just run out on the floor!"
"You can not leave it open.....That is why they call it a 'plug' !"

She promptly went back through the house and plugged everything back in.

Gosh, I still miss that woman, BUT my aim is improving!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on December 11, 2020, 07:15:08 PM
I can vouch for that thinking! Someone I know (an adult in her late 40s at the time) once pondered out loud in my presence whether or not electricity leaked from an outlet that had nothing plugged in...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on December 11, 2020, 11:51:58 PM
Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?!” “Whoa! Don’t yell!” the blonde on the ladder explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blonde’s get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on December 11, 2020, 11:53:54 PM
An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.

When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, “Yes ma’am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it Pasteurized?”

The blonde replied, “Nope, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 12, 2020, 09:45:58 AM
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 12, 2020, 01:47:04 PM
why do some birds fly south for the winter?                     


because they don't know how to drive!








what does a clock do if it's hungry?


it goes back four seconds!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 12, 2020, 06:04:34 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mac on December 12, 2020, 11:05:03 PM
My brother sent me this...I thought it was funny.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 13, 2020, 05:05:04 PM
When I was in college, a fraternity would not let me join because I was circumcised.
I guess to be a member of that frat one had to be a complete dick
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 14, 2020, 11:05:32 AM
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap.
He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands.
“What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on December 14, 2020, 11:10:59 AM
why do some birds fly south for the winter?                     


because they don't know how to drive!...
Awesome and will definitely drop that on someone today. The poor wife.

I had to explain to her why showing up at one of Portland's numerous protests (I am NOT a protester!!!) carrying a sign that says "End Road Work" was funny.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 14, 2020, 01:19:43 PM
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a roll of $100 bills. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.

The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 14, 2020, 02:58:54 PM
One blonde was on one side of the river and there was another blonde on the other side of the river.
One blonde yells to the other blonde,
"How do you get to the other side?"
and the other blonde yells back,
"You are on the other side!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 14, 2020, 04:40:04 PM
I just emailed all of the blond jokes to two of my daughters. They're both natural blonds but dye their hair dark red with hena. Of course I'm the reason they didn't want to stay a blond. lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 14, 2020, 04:44:08 PM
How many days do you think it will take to explain them all to them?
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 15, 2020, 11:04:26 AM
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/00/7c/57/007c571ba7b19bada25650f4b9094ac4.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on December 15, 2020, 01:54:58 PM
Well, that is pretty simple!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on December 15, 2020, 01:57:31 PM
Jeff, you hit the nail squarely on the head.  8)  Craig 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 15, 2020, 02:25:45 PM
Well, that is pretty simple!

That logic falls apart a little on the virus though. The virus spread is more like the smell of the pee, so if everyone just wears a plastic bag over their head sealed at the neck then that would mostly stop the spread of the virus.

But I do think some protection is better than none.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 15, 2020, 02:44:10 PM
Some people just can't take the joke without going all serious.
 ::)

Remember the saying:
Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool
then opening it and remove all doubts.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 15, 2020, 03:22:33 PM
A blonde crashes a helicopter.
A police officer asked her what happened.
She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on December 15, 2020, 03:57:10 PM
Lol, That's a good one, Jeff…The pee one.  Well, the blonde one, too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on December 15, 2020, 10:03:48 PM
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your @@@!”

… the teacher fainted!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 16, 2020, 10:54:15 AM
Health food?
You know how when you buy a salad and after a few days it turns all brown and slimy?
 
Cookies don't do that.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 16, 2020, 08:27:38 PM
just in time for the holidays.....




what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?





outlaws are wanted!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 16, 2020, 08:57:07 PM
A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice:
"If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it."
Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car.
After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking,
"Lady, why are you following me?"
She explained what her father had told her and the driver said,
"Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 16, 2020, 10:57:45 PM
just in time for the holidays.....




what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?





outlaws are wanted!

Now that's a good one! I'll definitely remember that one!

(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fmemesbams.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2018%2F01%2F5-Laughing-Face-Gif.gif&f=1&nofb=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 16, 2020, 11:19:32 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 17, 2020, 10:06:32 AM
Thanks Carl, I laughed till I cried.
****************************************************************
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited,
I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the
matter? You didn't like the other one?”

Gary

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 17, 2020, 12:12:47 PM
When my three-year-old son opened the Christmas gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

Mom smiled and then replied, “Oh, I remember very well dear.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 17, 2020, 08:07:34 PM
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?


One or two?


One or two?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on December 17, 2020, 11:05:58 PM
Mind Over Matter

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 18, 2020, 12:08:41 AM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 18, 2020, 04:30:23 AM
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?


One or two?


One or two?

Nice!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 18, 2020, 05:55:39 PM
Blonde: "What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?"
Redhead: "Y."
Blonde: "Because I want to know. Why do you have to question everything?!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Air4All on December 20, 2020, 06:51:37 PM
A West Virginia phone company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish lads. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job"..

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish lads, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve(12). Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Darrell, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Darrell and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" "Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 20, 2020, 08:40:57 PM
His laugh at the punch line is fantastic!

https://i.imgur.com/HZpurSL.mp4
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 21, 2020, 12:25:20 PM
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/MGalleryItem.php?id=7619)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on December 21, 2020, 04:31:30 PM
Jeff, I think we are brothers . 8) I heard them all.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 21, 2020, 06:52:32 PM
Heard? Heck, I experienced all of them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 22, 2020, 01:20:10 AM
I bought a big world map and hung it up on the wall.
Then I gave my wife a dart and said,
"No matter where you hit, that's where we're going on vacation, because you deserve it!"

It looks like we have to spend two weeks vacationing behind the fridge.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 22, 2020, 04:41:29 AM
Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!"
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 22, 2020, 12:20:49 PM
Bubba and Billy Bob saw an ad in the Hearald-Citizen in Thibodeaux, Louisiana

 and bought a mule for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

 The next morning the farmer drove up and said,  "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night   ."

            Bubba and Billy Bob replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

                                                                                The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already"

 They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

 The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

 Bubba said, "We gonna raffle him off."

 The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

 Billy Bob said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

 A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Bubba & Billy Bob

 at the IGA grocery store and asked.

 “What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

 They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

 Billy Bob said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece

 and made a profit of $1998.00

 The farmer said, “Didn't anyone complain?"

 Bubba said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.

 So we gave him his two dollars back."

 Bubba & Billy Bob now work for the government.

 

They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

 

Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 22, 2020, 05:49:50 PM
Seasonal Insults
A couple of slates short of a full roof.

-
A few pies short of a holiday.

-
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

-
 All wax and no wick.

-
 Batteries not included.

-
Bright as Alaska in December.

-
Chimney's clogged.

-
Got his brains as a stocking filler.

-
 Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

-
Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.

-
A few presents short of a full sleigh.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 23, 2020, 05:39:37 PM
Bubba and Billy Bob saw an ad in the Hearald-Citizen in Thibodeaux, Louisiana

 and bought a mule for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

 The next morning the farmer drove up and said,  "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night   ."

            Bubba and Billy Bob replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

                                                                                The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already"

 They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

 The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

 Bubba said, "We gonna raffle him off."

 The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

 Billy Bob said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

 A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Bubba & Billy Bob

 at the IGA grocery store and asked.

 “What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

 They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

 Billy Bob said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece

 and made a profit of $1998.00

 The farmer said, “Didn't anyone complain?"

 Bubba said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.

 So we gave him his two dollars back."

 Bubba & Billy Bob now work for the government.

 

They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

 

Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is a GOOD joke.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 24, 2020, 10:42:04 AM
The Egyptian Government has instructed all the Taxi drivers in Cairo to drive around tooting their horns.
It's hoped that a return to familiar city sounds will help restore Calm following the pandemic.
Operation Toot and Calm em will last for a week.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 24, 2020, 11:05:22 AM
King Tut is spinning like a top after that one....  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 24, 2020, 01:17:21 PM
Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Get lost you loser," was going to get us to date them!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 24, 2020, 11:16:45 PM
A burglar broke into my neighbors house last night.
He didn't shoot the burglar, he just put the red laser dot on the burglars forehead and the 3 cats did the rest.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: K_sqrd on December 25, 2020, 01:09:04 AM
2020 Christmas Ornamnet


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mosin Marine on December 25, 2020, 03:37:53 AM
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 26, 2020, 09:29:18 PM
In 20 years when my Grand kids ask about the toilet paper shortage of 2020?
I'm telling them We had to drag our butts across the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill both ways.
Dodging Murder Hornets!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on December 26, 2020, 11:50:05 PM
What?  No corn cobs? Or pine cones?  Heard both of those from my grandpa.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on December 27, 2020, 06:44:33 AM
In 20 years when my Grand kids ask about the toilet paper shortage of 2020?
I'm telling them We had to drag our butts across the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill both ways.
Dodging Murder Hornets!

Yep, that will explain the well fertilized strips of grass that were exactly six feet apart!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on December 27, 2020, 01:43:39 PM
I’ve been working on a USPS joke, but my delivery is never on time.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 27, 2020, 06:15:40 PM
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The
dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six
months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife
made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything
-- meat, toast, fish, vegetables.

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is
made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away
your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no
plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 27, 2020, 07:38:45 PM
Quote
Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!


(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/c1/bb/af/c1bbaf1dd4705bd3dd448f20d2ba056e.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 27, 2020, 07:42:56 PM
In all honesty Gary...
 I am still giggling.

HA!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 28, 2020, 04:19:33 PM
Looking for a book about Pirates at the Library?
Easy!
Just look under R.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 28, 2020, 06:25:52 PM
Had Fake potatoes for lunch today.
Their called Imitators.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 28, 2020, 06:33:36 PM
The King of Potatoes and the Queen of Potatoes had a beautiful daughter the Princess of Potatoes.
The Princess came of wedding age and announced her love for Walter Cronkite.
 The King said "Oh Daughter... you cannot marry him... he is but a Commentator"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on December 28, 2020, 06:36:23 PM
*Groan*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 28, 2020, 06:52:58 PM
*Groan*

^ First old fart to admit he knew who Walter Cronkite was.... ;) ^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on December 28, 2020, 09:40:46 PM
The King of Potatoes and the Queen of Potatoes had a beautiful daughter the Princess of Potatoes.
The Princess came of wedding age and announced her love for Walter Cronkite.
 The King said "Oh Daughter... you cannot marry him... he is but a Commentator"

OK, I'll admit that took me a moment...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on December 28, 2020, 11:03:33 PM
*Groan*

^ First old fart to admit he knew who Walter Cronkite was.... ;) ^

Yeah, I even used to listen to Walter Winchell.  Grandkids say I'm older than dirt.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 29, 2020, 12:51:49 AM
Had Fake potatoes for lunch today.
Their called Imitators.

The King of Potatoes and the Queen of Potatoes had a beautiful daughter the Princess of Potatoes.
The Princess came of wedding age and announced her love for Walter Cronkite.
 The King said "Oh Daughter... you cannot marry him... he is but a Commentator"

Alright, let's be reasonable here.   :D

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 29, 2020, 09:43:04 AM
Had Fake potatoes for lunch today.
Their called Imitators.

The King of Potatoes and the Queen of Potatoes had a beautiful daughter the Princess of Potatoes.
The Princess came of wedding age and announced her love for Walter Cronkite.
 The King said "Oh Daughter... you cannot marry him... he is but a Commentator"

Alright, let's be reasonable here.   :D

Are you insinuating We are agitators?
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 29, 2020, 01:35:20 PM
Are you insinuating We are agitators?
 ;D

 ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 29, 2020, 04:42:03 PM
I could phrase that differently but!
That would just make me a restater.
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 31, 2020, 12:10:48 PM

If 2020 was a drink, it would be a colonoscopy prep.

Bye Bye 2020 !!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 31, 2020, 05:13:28 PM
CRITICAL WARNING FOR TONIGHT!!!

Be sure to have you left leg in the air at midnight.

That way you will be starting 2021 off on the right foot.
(be honest-your didn't do it last year did you)

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 02, 2021, 02:00:39 PM
last year for Christmas my daughter gave me a bad dad joke calendar.  i would text the joke of the day to her and she would share it with the family at dinner.  what she didn't know was i had text each joke to her 12 year son the prior day giving him all the answers.   she became somewhat frustrated when he "knew" the punch line to every joke. 


this year she gave my a calendar with a funny saying for each day.  i'll do the same and he can repeat them at dinner each night.  i'll also try to remember to post them here.


from the cover of the calendar...we're afraid for this calendar, it's days are numbered.


jan 1st...sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colorful language.


jan 2nd and 3rd...i know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 03, 2021, 10:44:04 AM
Carl-Looks like we are in for a great year, at least joke wise!


Where do cow farts come from?
The Dairy Aire

W have a serious coin shortage
America is running out of common cents.

I asked an undertaker if he thought the all glass coffins he had would  catch on,
He said remains to be seen.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 04, 2021, 12:51:29 PM
can a match box?


no, but a tin can.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 05, 2021, 10:19:29 AM
acupuncture is a jab well done
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on January 05, 2021, 10:47:55 AM
Q: How did the blonde die raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on January 05, 2021, 11:37:58 AM
A funny
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 05, 2021, 03:27:53 PM
Keith, thanks for that funny.
For a while there, I thought I was the only one barking at the squirrels.   ;) :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on January 05, 2021, 05:13:15 PM
Dang squirrels.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 06, 2021, 11:11:48 AM
a furniture keeps calling me...
all i wanted was one night stand
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 06, 2021, 07:46:47 PM
For you young folks who never got to enjoy George Burns...
Here is some of his jokes on getting old.
Eventually we will ALL relate!
 "Say 'Goodnight Gracey' "

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LVgL_2xjgI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LVgL_2xjgI)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 06, 2021, 09:06:10 PM
I use to listen to Burns on armforces radio when I lived in Germany.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 06, 2021, 09:12:13 PM
The one about "playing Pool with a Rope" is what brought it to mind.
 ::)           ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 07, 2021, 12:06:15 AM
An atheist was walking thru the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look & saw a 7’ grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He ran faster, then… he tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him w/its left paw & raising the right paw to strike.

At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh, my God!”

Time Stopped… The bear froze… The forest was silent...

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky …

"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident! Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I now to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

After a seemingly long pause, God says, "Very well."

The light went out & the sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right arm, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty thru Christ our Lord. Amen."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on January 07, 2021, 01:59:23 AM
An atheist was walking thru the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look & saw a 7’ grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He ran faster, then… he tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him w/its left paw & raising the right paw to strike.

At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh, my God!”

Time Stopped… The bear froze… The forest was silent...

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky …

"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident! Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I now to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

After a seemingly long pause, God says, "Very well."

The light went out & the sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right arm, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty thru Christ our Lord. Amen."

Now that's Karma at its best. ;D ;D ;D :P 8)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 07, 2021, 10:03:05 AM
I got a PlayStation 5 for my brother.
Best trade ever.


What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?
A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone
involved.

I broke my finger today.
On the other hand, I am okay.


As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his
eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."


According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat. So we've been
spending most the year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running
at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 07, 2021, 12:06:01 PM
Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.
He also ate very little, making him rather frail.
And with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

----------

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 07, 2021, 06:52:25 PM
working in a mirror factory is something i can totally see myself doing
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 07, 2021, 08:43:35 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVS1UfCfxlU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVS1UfCfxlU)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 08, 2021, 10:36:57 AM
i've been thinking about taking up meditation.


it's better than sitting around doing nothing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 08, 2021, 10:46:22 AM
Person #1 - There is going to be a meeting of the ‘Apathy Club’.
Person #2 - When is the meeting going to be?
Person #1 - Who cares?  But I heard there was going to be election of officers.
Person #3 - Oh, good; I would be interested in running for President.
Persons #1 and #2 simultaneously  - Dude, you are not qualified.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 08, 2021, 10:52:09 AM
Some people get wiser as they get older, and others just get older.

I read in Reader's Digest of a man who had just turned sixty, planting his
spring garden, with the help of his 91-year-old father. The older man began
to setup the bean poles in straight lines, but his son protested that
arranging them teepee-style was better. They argued for several minutes over
which method was best.
Finally, the son said, "Dad, this is my garden, and I want to use the
teepees!"
The father threw down his hoe and stomped off toward the house, snorting as
he went, "You kids! Turn sixty and you think you know everything!"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 08, 2021, 11:04:06 AM
When I was 16 years old, I knew that my father was not too smart.
When I turned 21, I was amazed at how much my father had learned in only five years!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on January 08, 2021, 09:49:58 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/cASxFGGm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on January 09, 2021, 01:16:24 AM
Kris,LMBO on that one. :D Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on January 09, 2021, 01:38:39 AM
So if you can smell and taste it out from under the covers as well is that a double negative test result. ;D ;D :o

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 09, 2021, 02:07:02 PM
I never thought I would be the kind of person to wake up early and exercise.
Turns out I was right.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 09, 2021, 03:29:34 PM
when chemists die, they barium.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 09, 2021, 04:40:04 PM
when chemists die, they barium.
HAHAHAHHA
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 09, 2021, 08:50:02 PM
Old accountants never die, they simply lose interest.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on January 10, 2021, 01:00:26 PM
I never thought I would be the kind of person to wake up early and exercise.
Turns out I was right.
Gary

Amen
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 10, 2021, 01:03:41 PM
I found an exercise that I can do everyday!

I call it Diddly-squats

Every day, I do diddly squat.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 10, 2021, 01:50:02 PM
I had a happy childhood.
My dad would put me in tires and roll me down hills.
Those were Goodyears.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 10, 2021, 05:22:23 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/cASxFGGm.jpg)

Hopefully the govt won't consider farting as also spreading covid where they'll start mandating buttockal plugs. :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on January 10, 2021, 08:35:31 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/Yu1Xf0km.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/DlsOU6zm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 10, 2021, 10:20:57 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/cASxFGGm.jpg)

Kris, it sounds like you have been talking to us old farts too long.
"You might be a Redneck".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 11, 2021, 02:32:10 AM
Good ones Kris.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 11, 2021, 12:55:13 PM
what happened to the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?


he got a little behind in his work.


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 11, 2021, 01:00:03 PM
Carl I got a good chuckle out of that. I like rump roast but not that kind. :P

This below isn't a joke but it's a short video of a great prank and man do I love his laugh!

https://i.imgur.com/X5svpol.mp4
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 11, 2021, 02:05:53 PM
Carl I got a good chuckle out of that. I like rump roast but not that kind. :P

This below isn't a joke but it's a short video of a great prank and man do I love his laugh!

https://i.imgur.com/X5svpol.mp4 (https://i.imgur.com/X5svpol.mp4)




 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 12, 2021, 09:34:06 AM
Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then, so here’s yours for today...

Is it "complete", "finished", or "completely finished"?
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these
two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best
in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing
ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and
FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference
between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong
woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"


He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 12, 2021, 11:23:25 AM
FOR SALE:  tic tacs


mint condition
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: nced on January 12, 2021, 12:12:59 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/deWKijX.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on January 12, 2021, 12:48:14 PM
Truth...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on January 12, 2021, 05:58:00 PM
FOR SALE:  tic tacs


mint condition


Only slightly used
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 12, 2021, 08:37:06 PM
The Nun was someone I want to hire for her thinking "Out of the Box".


Get it... Nun.... Box.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 13, 2021, 11:00:31 AM
did you hear about the snowman being teased because of his pointy nose?


he didn't carrot at all
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 14, 2021, 05:02:54 AM
I found the video amusing.  So, a joke of sorts.  It reminds me of the exhaust whistles I made 43 years ago.  They were louder and more amusing than these.  I attached them to random cars in the church parking lot.  It was fun to watch when the cars left.  Especially the reactions of on-lookers :)

https://youtu.be/VVPU_3OqM4w
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 14, 2021, 11:35:09 AM
did you hear they tried to pass a law banning ice cream?


no worries, it was ruled un-cone-stitutional.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on January 14, 2021, 11:39:35 AM
I found the video amusing.  So, a joke of sorts.  It reminds me of the exhaust whistles I made 43 years ago.  They were louder and more amusing than these.  I attached them to random cars in the church parking lot.  It was fun to watch when the cars left.  Especially the reactions of on-lookers :)


That was very funny. Thanks.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 14, 2021, 04:39:33 PM
I was finishing my lunch at a local restaurant when a waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?
I yelled out, heck, I know the WHOLE alphabet A-Z.

We all laughed and laughed, except for one guy...

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on January 14, 2021, 06:36:32 PM
Now I miss driving stick shift's cars
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 14, 2021, 10:19:27 PM
I was finishing my lunch at a local restaurant when a waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?
I yelled out, heck, I know the WHOLE alphabet A-Z.

We all laughed and laughed, except for one guy...

Gary




This is hilarious!  Thanks Gary!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Arikfrank54 on January 14, 2021, 11:00:41 PM
Little Johnny got to school one morning with a cat in his backpack. His teacher informed him that he could not have his pets at school.
Little Johnny replied, but it is a matter of life and death.
The teacher then asked for him to explain.
Little Johnny informed the teacher that he heard his tell his momma that as soon as he is off to school he is gonna eat that &%%$&*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on January 14, 2021, 11:09:29 PM
Why's it a bad idea to play poker in the jungle?



Because of all the cheetahs!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 15, 2021, 11:26:25 AM
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed
entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russel

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit
on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert
Einstein

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception
of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. - Douglas Adams

When you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for
anything until about 1926 was stupid. - Dave Berry

If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? -
Albert Einstein

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in
the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson

If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
- Handy Guide to Science
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 15, 2021, 11:37:10 AM
tiolet paper plays an important roll i my life
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 15, 2021, 12:54:07 PM
(https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/09-Short-Jokes-Anyone-Can-Remember-nicole-fornabaio-rd.com_-1024x683.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 15, 2021, 01:21:29 PM
Arik I like your avy. The only good hog is a dead one. Continued success!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on January 15, 2021, 03:01:37 PM
Arik I like your avy. The only good hog is a dead one. Continued success!

I thought it was a rabbit when I saw it, but no, on closer exam rabbits don't have tails and stripes like that...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 15, 2021, 04:16:46 PM
Only 1 rabbit we need to fear.
The Rabbit of Caerbannog.
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/MGalleryItem.php?id=7649)

HOWEVER! There is historical PROOF a Rabbit attempted an invasion of a Presidents boat!
April 20, 1979 Jimmy Carter had to defend himself from a potential assault by Rabbit!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joekrooz on January 15, 2021, 06:49:19 PM
You know, there’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on January 15, 2021, 06:50:16 PM
Not so much a joke but I thought it was hysterical when I was college aged. (The law officers I said it to - not so much.) The line had to be rehearsed enough so that it could be delivered flawlessly sober or not so much.

"Hostonly ociffer, I'm not as intoxashalficated as some theople pink I am."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 15, 2021, 07:16:53 PM
Not so much a joke but I thought it was hysterical when I was college aged. (The law officers I said it to - not so much.) The line had to be rehearsed enough so that it could be delivered flawlessly sober or not so much.

"Hostonly ociffer, I'm not as intoxashalficated as some theople pink I am."
...

My sobriety test is if I can say this phrase...

"Misten Lister.. why don't you Back off in your own Jack yard...and see how that makes your Feeter Peel!"

Never fails , I can do it on demand... but if I mess it up... Momma is driving me home.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 16, 2021, 12:12:57 PM
good artists never retire, they just withdraw.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 16, 2021, 02:16:01 PM

Finding part of an egg shell in an Egg McMuffin is both annoying and reassuring.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 16, 2021, 02:58:59 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dcorvino on January 16, 2021, 08:31:30 PM
Not really a joke but funny
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on January 16, 2021, 11:23:01 PM
I'm reminded of one of my Mom's friends that used to make and carry soft "stuffed" cats. Very realistic looking, apparently.

Upon being confronted in a lobby area and told that no pets were allowed, she flung the "cat" she had been holding in her arms to the floor and yelled, "Bad kitty!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 17, 2021, 08:05:45 AM
They sure know how to make realistic animal replicas in Japan don't they ?
This is not a joke BTW just crazy and related to the last few jokes.
https://youtu.be/vIvdsqo_87o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 17, 2021, 09:33:59 AM
They sure know how to make realistic animal replicas in Japan don't they ?
This is not a joke BTW just crazy and related to the last few jokes.
https://youtu.be/vIvdsqo_87o

Amazing work.
I thought this was going to be a 'There is more than one way to skin a cat' joke.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 17, 2021, 01:22:14 PM
They sure know how to make realistic animal replicas in Japan don't they ?
This is not a joke BTW just crazy and related to the last few jokes.
https://youtu.be/vIvdsqo_87o

Amazing work.
I thought this was going to be a 'There is more than one way to skin a cat' joke.
Gary
Theres definitely more than one way to skin a cat, but the ancient Chinese manual on the subject was lost long ago.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on January 17, 2021, 03:24:15 PM

Finding part of an egg shell in an Egg McMuffin is both annoying and reassuring.

Gary


Hahaha, I agree with this one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 17, 2021, 04:42:29 PM
I took a job guarding a Samsung store.
We call ourselves Guardians of the Galaxy.

-----------

I put roller skates on my rocking chair.
I like to rock and roll.

----------

Took me a few minutes to figure out why Scuba diver always fall backwards off a boat.
If they fell forwards?
They'd still be IN the boat!

----------

I fell off a 50 foot ladder yesterday!
Thank God I was only on the first step!

----------

I was robbing a Bank once so I told the Teller
"Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replied,
"Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
I told her
"Don't change the subject!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 17, 2021, 09:10:32 PM
A few good ones there, Jeff :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on January 17, 2021, 10:57:58 PM
Why's the hot pepper so annoying?


It's hall-up-een-yo business.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 17, 2021, 11:11:06 PM
Why's the hot pepper so annoying?

Ask Dr Johnny Cash:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=37&v=mIBTg7q9oNc&feature=youtu.be (https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=37&v=mIBTg7q9oNc&feature=youtu.be)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RWRichwine on January 17, 2021, 11:13:33 PM
My girlfriend told me I should be more sociable, so now I have two girlfriends.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on January 17, 2021, 11:16:25 PM
Why's the hot pepper so annoying?

Ask Dr Johnny Cash:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=37&v=mIBTg7q9oNc&feature=youtu.be (https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=37&v=mIBTg7q9oNc&feature=youtu.be)


[chuckling]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on January 18, 2021, 12:31:34 AM
....
I was robbing a Bank once so I told the Teller
"Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replied,
"Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
I told her
"Don't change the subject!"

 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 18, 2021, 01:18:07 AM
"Give me all the money or you're geography!"

That sounds like a segue into asking, "do you know the difference between a wet nap and a dirt nap?"  If you experience a dirt nap; you become part of the geography :)

A wet nap is a dirt nap, over deep water.  Apparently; concrete boots are involved.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Horatio on January 18, 2021, 03:09:38 AM
When phones were first introduced to Italy, the technician was explaining how to use it:

"First you pick up this part with one hand, and hold it up to your head. Then, you use your other hand to dial the number on this wheel."

"But then how do you talk?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 18, 2021, 03:15:17 AM
Just let the video run for 10 seconds and it will make complete sense:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C-vYY3SBDE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C-vYY3SBDE)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on January 18, 2021, 06:20:19 PM
Hilarious Subscriber! "What we have here..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 18, 2021, 08:01:51 PM
Hilarious Subscriber! "What we have here..."

"What we have here, is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach..."

About 10 years ago, I used that as my voicemail greeting.  Captured from Cool Hand Luke.  One of my favorite movies.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on January 19, 2021, 01:05:33 AM
Why's the hot pepper so annoying?


It's hall-up-een-yo business.


Lol, the veggie that gives back.  I eat a lot of those, so I know.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 19, 2021, 01:35:04 PM
as my grandfather lay sick with skin legions, my grandmother tried an old remedy of applying lard on his back. 
afterwards, he went down hill fast.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on January 19, 2021, 02:56:43 PM
as my grandfather lay sick with skin legions, my grandmother tried an old remedy of applying lard on his back. 
afterwards, he went down hill fast.

SICK ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 19, 2021, 07:00:10 PM
My girlfriend told me I should be more sociable, so now I have two girlfriends.

I got a good chuckle out of that thanks. I could see Rodney Dangerfield saying that.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RWRichwine on January 20, 2021, 12:34:25 AM
My girlfriend told me I should be more sociable, so now I have two girlfriends.

I got a good chuckle out of that thanks. I could see Rodney Dangerfield saying that.
I'm glad you liked it, I forgot where I heard it or I'd tell you.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 20, 2021, 12:32:39 PM
it took einstein years to develop a theory about space.


it was about time too!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 21, 2021, 11:44:42 AM
at first i couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang.                                                                                                                                but eventually, it came back to me.



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 21, 2021, 09:11:19 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 22, 2021, 11:30:51 AM
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

----------

I saw a fire over at the circus.
It was in tents.

----------

Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
A: Buy a deck of cards.

----------

In the warehouse of a major wine merchant, the old wine taster had died and the boss was looking for a new one.
A retired sailor, drunk and with a dirty appearance came to apply for the position.
The boss wondered how to get rid of him, but gave him a glass to drink. The old sailor tasted it and said; -
It is a three-year-old Muscat, grown on a north-facing slope, matured in steel containers. Low class, but acceptable. "
"That's correct," the boss said, giving him another glass.
"It's an eight-year-old Cabernet, grown on a southwestern slope, matured in oak barrels at eight degrees. Requires three more years of storage for best results."
"Quite right," said the boss, giving him a third glass.
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high quality and exclusive," the drunken sailor said calmly.
The director was amazed and winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The drunken sailor tasted it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant for three months, and if I do not get the job ... I will tell who the father is."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 23, 2021, 10:31:36 AM
A quote from rodney dangerfield

" boy I tell ya theres always somethin' with my wife,lady week a bought a car from my neighbor and found one of her dresses in the back seat "

" I went to join a gym , the sign said you'll loose weight in 30 days or your money back, I tried to pay the lady and she said keep it I was gonna mail it right back anyways "
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 23, 2021, 12:46:47 PM
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender,
"Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies,
"Sure, the cigarette machine is over there."
So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says,
"Oi, you bloody idiot."
The man says with surprise in his voice,
"That's not very nice."
He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts.
The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak,
"Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender,
"Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?"
The bartender replies,
"Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 23, 2021, 03:14:30 PM
A quote from rodney dangerfield

" boy I tell ya theres always somethin' with my wife,lady week a bought a car from my neighbor and found one of her dresses in the back seat "

" I went to join a gym , the sign said you'll loose weight in 30 days or your money back, I tried to pay the lady and she said keep it I was gonna mail it right back anyways "

No respect! No respect at all I tell ya! :P

Reminds me of the joke I got a car for my wife. Best trade ever! I don't know if he ever told that one but it's something like he'd tell.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 23, 2021, 03:28:19 PM
Rodney rules...
"My wife gets around...I bought a used car and found a pair of her panties in the glove box!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 23, 2021, 03:34:18 PM
my mother in law was staying with us and left this morning with a massive case of diarrhea.


she won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 23, 2021, 03:39:45 PM
MUH HA HA!!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on January 24, 2021, 11:08:12 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/Y5EwDXQ.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 24, 2021, 11:18:26 AM
Kris... I vote it the best so far.... that's funny.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on January 24, 2021, 11:37:12 AM
Rodney rules...
"My wife gets around...I bought a used car and found a pair of her panties in the glove box!"

Ouch!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on January 24, 2021, 02:40:10 PM
(Shared in the comments under a video about twins...)

My father had a co-joined twin at birth. We often called his brother my uncle on my father's side.

Of course, the were surgically separated, so we also called him my uncle once removed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 24, 2021, 04:37:51 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/Y5EwDXQ.jpg)
Love it!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: GumpIsrael on January 24, 2021, 07:43:55 PM
What’s a pirate’s favorite fast food chain?

Yarby’s!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on January 25, 2021, 08:47:51 PM
Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated ARRRRRRRRHHH!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 25, 2021, 08:55:04 PM
A pirate walks into a bar.  Something is odd about him. 

The barman asks, "why do you have a ship's steering wheel in your trousers?  Isn't that uncomfortable?"

The pirate answers, "ARRRRRE; driving me nuts."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 27, 2021, 12:28:32 PM
i'm working on a device that will read minds.


i'd like to hear you thoughts.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on January 28, 2021, 08:11:43 AM
It was a 40 million dollar aircraft.  On the other hand...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 28, 2021, 01:04:46 PM
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, “Hi there handsome. How are you doing?” before wiggling her backside and walking off.
“Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife.
“Just a woman I met professionally,” replied the doctor.
“Oh yeah?” snarled his wife, “In whose profession? Yours or hers?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 28, 2021, 02:16:45 PM
Be kind to dentists, they have fillings too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 29, 2021, 07:35:36 PM
Let me declare I hate facebook ... but I was sent this by my Mom and it made me laugh...

https://www.facebook.com/100044137164300/posts/235696391244931/ (https://www.facebook.com/100044137164300/posts/235696391244931/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 29, 2021, 09:49:19 PM
Sorry guys.... we are getting complaints about the religious jokes....
We have to consider ALL members.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on January 29, 2021, 11:58:56 PM
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Johnny?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your friggin cat.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on January 30, 2021, 10:04:46 AM
Sorry guys.... we are getting complaints about the religious jokes....
We have to consider ALL members.
What if I identify as a pirate. ;)

I just realized it gets worse. I was blonde growing up. I HAVE PICTURES TO PROVE IT! And we need to consider we are insulting at least one of our HOF members almost daily. Whatever shall we do?

Mea culpa, especially for our members not from the USA who may not understand what all is referenced above. I haven't had my first cup of coffee this morning (I went for a nice long walk in the woods instead) and I tend to rant and ramble before said cup of coffee, but really folks, can't we take a little look around and see where that kind of censorship has put people.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 30, 2021, 11:11:31 AM
I had a Boss 20 years ago... best one I ever had.
He had a "Derogatory Slang" for everyone and used it to their face.... Corporate would just laugh it off and I a "Square Head Kraut" was amazed the "Drunken Mic" got away with it...
 You know why? He did it to EVERYONE! So we were all treated equal.


A Priest, Rabbi, and a Shaman walk into a bar..
The Bartender say's "What is this, some kinda Joke?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 30, 2021, 02:44:45 PM
My wife describes me as just a regular guy.
I think she's mean.




Last night I ate at a Stars Wars themed restaurant and ordered the Wookie steak.  It was a little chewy.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 30, 2021, 03:14:08 PM
Making fun of 'Wookie'!  Is nothing sacred?
Wookie ;  The Louisiana Wookie, also known as the Honey Island Swamp Monster.  <--- From Wikipedia  -  https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?search=wookie&title=Special:Search&profile=advanced&fulltext=1&advancedSearch-current=%7B%7D&ns0=1

Dude, it's a JOKE!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on January 30, 2021, 03:40:25 PM
Maybe some of us should identify as "Kings" this year.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 30, 2021, 03:41:26 PM
My Village sent people door to door to collect donations to open the Swimming Pool this coming summer.
Being a good Citizen?
I donated a glass of water.

----------

Warning! Religious joke.

Everyone has to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 31, 2021, 04:43:58 PM
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled A Woman leans over and says,
"Are all those kids yours?"
He replied,
"No. I work for a Condom Company and these are customer complaints."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on January 31, 2021, 06:08:16 PM
Sorry guys.... we are getting complaints about the religious jokes....
We have to consider ALL members.

It was bound to happen. Welcome to the United States of the offended.   :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 31, 2021, 06:15:26 PM
It was bound to happen. Welcome to the United States of the offended.   :P
I'm offended you put it that way.
 ;D ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on January 31, 2021, 06:18:50 PM
Well, I'm offended that you're offended!   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 31, 2021, 06:55:40 PM
Well, I'm offended that you're offended!   ;)
I'm hurt that you being offended by me being offended offends you.
 ;D ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 31, 2021, 07:03:39 PM
I don't stay in cheap Hotels or wear designer jeans for the same reason.

No ballroom.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on February 01, 2021, 02:58:21 AM
Lets all just be offended and get it over with.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 01, 2021, 10:34:58 AM
my therapist says i have a preoccupation with vengeance.


we'll see about that.  >:(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on February 01, 2021, 11:06:06 AM
As a Christian, I couldn't find any religious jokes that were offensive.  No true Christian gets offended by worldly events as that is not their primary focus.  In my view, If one is talking about religion, it's all good.  At least they are thinking about it.  Besides, this is nothing.  It will get much worse looking forward...Stay strong...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 01, 2021, 12:16:41 PM
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

 Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

 #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

 Please share this wisdom with others; I need to go to the bathroom
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 01, 2021, 01:03:52 PM
Those are good ones.
I am old but I am not offended.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on February 01, 2021, 03:53:22 PM
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled A Woman leans over and says,
"Are all those kids yours?"
He replied,
"No. I work for a Condom Company and these are customer complaints."

That is precious. Love it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 03, 2021, 04:49:49 PM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

----------

Why do Russian policeman always travel in pairs?
The authorities require one who can read your papers, and a second to keep an eye on this dangerous intellectual!

----------

Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on February 03, 2021, 04:56:48 PM
"...the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
Love the joke!  My life story.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 03, 2021, 07:02:32 PM
 

As I have grown older :

I've learned that pleasing   everyone is impossible,

but making everyone mad is a piece of cake.

 



Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one

when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

 



Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting

how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,   especially after what he achieved,

winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my  bike.

 



Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV,  just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick!

 

 

 

VIDEO SCAM 

Just got scammed out of  $25.  Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's all about golf.  Absolute waste of  money!

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

 



 Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 03, 2021, 07:03:14 PM
+1...!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 04, 2021, 11:19:45 AM
I am guessing this one turns up every year but...


IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED... A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2021 Super Bowl in Tampa, Florida, both box seats. He paid $21,500 each. It comes with a ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, and a $400.00 bar tab. Also a backstage pass to the winner's locker room. He didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St Paul's Church, in Orlando at 3pm. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 lbs, and a good cook too. She loves to fish and hunt. She'll be the one in the white dress.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on February 04, 2021, 11:44:33 AM


Why do Russian policeman always travel in pairs?
The authorities require one who can read your papers, and a second to keep an eye on this dangerous intellectual!


If you said this about Oregon, it would be a political joke.  ::) Oh, wait.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 05, 2021, 01:53:22 AM
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
An extremely attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
“Why don’t you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now,” she insisted.

She was pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak…
“Well, okay,” I finally agreed, “however, I’m sure my wife won’t like it.”
After a couple of beers, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So, I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, “Stay for a while, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still under the cart I suppose.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 05, 2021, 11:02:26 AM
If you hate speeding tickets, raise your right foot.


Library Notice-The post apocalyptical fiction section has been moved to current events.


Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X. She is not coming back and don't ask Y.


Adam & Eve were the first to Violate Apple terms and conditions.


Shop Local because Amazon won't sponsor you kids ball team.


My mind is like an internet browser.
19 tabs are open,
3 of them are frozen,
and I have no idea where the music its coming from.


Gary




Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 07, 2021, 05:08:27 PM
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 07, 2021, 08:29:20 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQLv7CG10B4&feature=emb_rel_end (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQLv7CG10B4&feature=emb_rel_end)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on February 08, 2021, 12:17:23 AM
What do you call a firebird with flat tires ?

............A Joaquin Phoenix
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on February 09, 2021, 03:11:31 PM
I have not heard this one before:
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: kbstingwing on February 10, 2021, 10:32:27 PM
How many Airgunners does it take to Change a Light Bulb?........

Answer: None........
We shoot them all out and go to Night vision mode....... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 11, 2021, 12:22:39 AM
How many Airgunners does it take to Change a Light Bulb?........

Answer: None........
We shoot them all out and go to Night vision mode....... ;D ;D ;D




 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on February 11, 2021, 02:01:01 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQLv7CG10B4&feature=emb_rel_end (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQLv7CG10B4&feature=emb_rel_end)

Now those were the days! I miss them but thank God at least I was there to live them. No one can hold a candle to Carson now, not even close. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on February 11, 2021, 01:38:39 PM

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500; they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the airgun shoot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

Happy Valentine's! :-*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 11, 2021, 02:01:08 PM

Why was the cookie so unhappy.
Because his mother was a wafer so long.

Why did the waiter fall over?
He was tipped.

Why did the ocean refuse her boyfriend's marriage proposal?
She didn't want to be tide down. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Define "Pharmacist": A helper on the farm.

Use "Lettuce" in a sentence: This New Year's eve LETTUCE celebrate together.

Headline: Defendant's Speech Ends In Long Sentence

Book Title: "Why I Was Sent To Prison" by Robin Banks

The blind man picked up a hammer and saw!

If you drop a piano down a mine shaft, you'll get A flat minor.

Whether it's a pancake or a baseball team, the secret is to start with a
good batter.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 11, 2021, 05:12:00 PM
Walmart is opening dentist clinics in it stores.
There will be an express line for people with fewer than 12 teeth.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on February 12, 2021, 01:49:32 AM
They'll need numerous lines for that Gary. :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on February 13, 2021, 06:22:31 AM
Walmart is opening dentist clinics in it stores.
There will be an express line for people with fewer than 12 teeth.
Gary
They'll probably wanna have beds for people to knap off the effects of the gas, I know around here I see so many people who are already wearing house slippers and PJ bottoms.

Why would anyone wear pajamas out in public as regular pants ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 13, 2021, 06:59:17 AM
Walmart is opening dentist clinics in it stores.
There will be an express line for people with fewer than 12 teeth.
Gary
They'll probably wanna have beds for people to knap off the effects of the gas, I know around here I see so many people who are already wearing house slippers and PJ bottoms.

Why would anyone wear pajamas out in public as regular pants ?
PJ pants are a step up from some of the things I've seen...  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 13, 2021, 07:23:04 AM
Google "Walmartians" and see what you get... LL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 13, 2021, 07:45:09 AM
Google "Walmartians" and see what you get... LL!
Ummm.... I'm good.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on February 13, 2021, 07:49:44 AM
Google "Walmartians" and see what you get... LL!

Don't do it please, you will regret it!!!!

I know, I just looked, there are somethings you really don't want to see.

It is nauseating... LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 13, 2021, 07:53:35 AM
... and they breed!
 :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on February 13, 2021, 07:56:50 AM
... and they breed!
 :o
I couldn't tell if that woman smoking the cigarette was pregnant or she had eaten one of those pumpkins.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 13, 2021, 09:39:06 AM
This is not a JOKE.  --->  ¡™£¢∞§¶•ªº–≠«‘“πøˆ¨¥†®´∑œåß∂…æ÷≥≤µ˜∫√ç≈Ω

I guess you might call this a "Public Service Announcement".
What is all that stuff above?  That stuff is the alternate [ALT] keyboard.
If your keyboard has an ALT key, hold it down.  Then strike some of your favorite keys.
Example: 25[ALT]4 becomes 25¢
Example:  -22[ALT]0 F becomes -22º F  <---[ALT] Zero - NOT [ALT] Oh

Thanks you for you patience.  I now return you to your regular programming.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 13, 2021, 10:12:47 AM
Somewhere on this computer I have a "Cheat Sheet" for the ALT codes...
Heck anymore I can barely spell "DOS" let alone speak it.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on February 13, 2021, 10:22:18 AM
I try not to go down in the dust bins of my mind that store that stuff anymore. I use the character map.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on February 13, 2021, 10:31:06 AM
Google "Walmartians" and see what you get... LL!
Ummm.... I'm good.

I now have to look, thanks
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on February 13, 2021, 10:37:04 AM
Oh My Gosh! Halloween everyday.

Most pics are in the food section, diet day after seeing that.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 13, 2021, 10:47:45 AM
You're welcome.  ;)


(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q_IUmMny1os/TxTqS8GtV0I/AAAAAAAAB0w/T2oP7WeK2jY/s640/Walmart9.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on February 13, 2021, 10:57:51 AM
You're welcome.  ;)

I dress casually and worry about it sometimes but now I'm over that. I'd be straight-up 'rubber necking if I saw any of those creatures.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on February 13, 2021, 10:58:37 AM
You're welcome.  ;)


(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q_IUmMny1os/TxTqS8GtV0I/AAAAAAAAB0w/T2oP7WeK2jY/s640/Walmart9.jpg)

He might already be of drinking age ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on February 13, 2021, 11:37:27 AM
A Pastor decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in Church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The Pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The Pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the Church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 13, 2021, 11:52:30 AM
^LIKE and SHARED^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 13, 2021, 01:56:35 PM
A seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to
play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously asked. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance
company."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 13, 2021, 02:54:51 PM
You're welcome.  ;)


(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q_IUmMny1os/TxTqS8GtV0I/AAAAAAAAB0w/T2oP7WeK2jY/s640/Walmart9.jpg)
I just text this to my son asking if that's my grandson
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 13, 2021, 08:56:22 PM
Was wondering why water is heavier than Butane
Then remembered Water is a fluid, but Butane is a lighter fluid.

----------

I was feeling cold last night so I went and stood in the corner.
Corners are usually 90 degrees.

----------

I don't trust stairs!
They’re always up to something.

----------

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 13, 2021, 10:54:36 PM
Quote
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

 ;D ;D ;D
I gotta remember this one!
 ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on February 14, 2021, 01:18:26 AM
Just remember once you see it you can never unsee it. Its in your subconscious forever. ??? :o :P

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 14, 2021, 03:31:57 AM
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

   (https://media1.tenor.com/images/cbb5332b609d9e1bb484c5dc925a774d/tenor.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 14, 2021, 12:25:16 PM
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

----------

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

----------

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.

----------

An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said,
"Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan."
Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said,
"Car very fast, made in Japan."
When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride would only cost 500 rupees.
He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said,
"Meter very fast, made in India."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 14, 2021, 01:43:20 PM
Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 14, 2021, 08:01:21 PM
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.

----------

I heard a rumor going around about butter.
But I'm not going to spread it.

----------

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on February 14, 2021, 09:21:32 PM
Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

Gary

(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.tenor.com%2Fimages%2Fa6ec427ced6f799d9aaaa151bf529e5b%2Ftenor.gif&f=1&nofb=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on February 15, 2021, 09:33:44 AM
If your car could travel at the speed of light; would your headlights work?

And one other thing, what's the speed of dark?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: kbstingwing on February 15, 2021, 01:27:30 PM
If your car could travel at the speed of light; would your headlights work?

And one other thing, what's the speed of dark?

answer:
negative light speed to the 3 power...... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on February 15, 2021, 03:04:22 PM
If your car could travel at the speed of light; would your headlights work?

And one other thing, what's the speed of dark?

If the sun could be shut off like a bulb it has been calculated that the last bit of light given off by the sun right before it disappeared would take 8 minutes and 19 seconds to reach us, and the darkness that comes right after the last bit of light would also take 8 minutes and 19 seconds to reach us. Thus the speed of darkness which is the absence of light travels at exactly the speed of light. If the sun were turned back on after two minutes there would be darkness on earth from the last bit of light and the darkness that had come right after would last for the two minutes the sun was off also.
Simple! Of course in this example the Sun would have to be the only source of light in order for complete darkness to exist.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on February 15, 2021, 05:08:43 PM
When you said life would get back to normal after June, Julyed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 15, 2021, 06:54:10 PM
How do all the oceans say hello to each other? They wave!

Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!

Why couldn’t the pony sing himself a lullaby? He was a little hoarse.

What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.

What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on February 15, 2021, 07:17:21 PM
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: kbstingwing on February 15, 2021, 07:33:05 PM
Dark is always there........... you just can't see it because of the light........ ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on February 15, 2021, 09:20:26 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/BNipySt.jpg?1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on February 15, 2021, 09:40:45 PM
(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fgif-finder.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F07%2FJeremy-Clarkson-LaughFacepalm.gif%3Fv%3D2&f=1&nofb=1)

It's not the size it's how you use it huh Richard. :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 16, 2021, 02:56:13 AM
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.

What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!


     (https://media2.giphy.com/media/kaq6GnxDlJaBq/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 16, 2021, 11:40:24 AM
My eye Dr. is an Eskimo.
I guess you could say I'm seeing an optical Aleutian.

----------

Two Eskimos have killed a walrus and they are on their way to their settlement.
They are pulling the walrus by the tail, but it's really hard to pull since its tusks keep digging into the snow and the tail continuously slips out of their grip.

Halfway home, they come across a geologist. The geologist sees their struggle and says:
"You should grab the walrus by its tusks, that way you can hold it better and the tail will just slide on the snow".

The Eskimos try that and it's indeed easier. So the Eskimos and the geologist part ways. In a few hours one Eskimo says:
"Geologist smart. Really easy to pull walrus".

The other exclaims:
"Stupid your geologist! Look, we come back to ocean!"


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on February 16, 2021, 12:52:41 PM
I Just Want You To Hold Me…

I haven’t quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t fee like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 16, 2021, 02:08:50 PM
Are you still in the hospital?
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 16, 2021, 02:21:51 PM
A smart man once said;
NOTHING
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 16, 2021, 07:15:11 PM
Daughter #3 who is now in SC transplanted  from Phoenix Arizona, sent me this she shared with her NEW employees on "punctality".
She learned well.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 17, 2021, 10:58:01 AM
Scott, it is interesting how the 'road' can move during storms with lots of snow and blowing. Until crews get things plowed down to bare pavement it is not uncommon to find it has moved onto the shoulder.

***************************************

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me
to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. "Sorry," I replied, "but
I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and
volunteer.
I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on February 17, 2021, 11:47:39 AM
Scott,

Just center it between the fence posts. Don't try to follow those drifts; they'll lead you astray.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 17, 2021, 12:00:03 PM
Scott,

Just center it between the fence posts. Don't try to follow those drifts; they'll lead you astray.  ;D
We did the same thing with the high water the hurricanes brought into south Louisiana. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on February 18, 2021, 07:25:13 PM
Rover Perseverance is already sending back first pictures of crude life form on Mars:

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 18, 2021, 07:29:20 PM
i went to the doctor today and they said i had type A blood, but it was a type O.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 18, 2021, 08:23:41 PM
Rover Perseverance is already sending back first pictures of crude life form on Mars:

You ain't fooling me.. That is an Aggie Buck if I ever saw one!

What does an Aggie Cheerleader say after a "date"?
"Are you boys all on the same team?"

How does an Aggie girl turn on the light after a *date*?
She opens the car door.

What does an Aggie Girl say on her first "date"?
"Daddy... you're  smashin' my cigarettes!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on February 18, 2021, 08:34:51 PM
Rover Perseverance is already sending back first pictures of crude life form on Mars:

You ain't fooling me.. That is an Aggie Buck if I ever saw one!

What does an Aggie Cheerleader say after a "date"?
"Are you boys all on the same team?"

How does an Aggie girl turn on the light after a *date*?
She opens the car door.

What does an Aggie Girl say on her first "date"?
"Daddy... you're  smashin' my cigarettes!"

What do you call a purty gurl on the Aggie campus?

A visitor!




Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 18, 2021, 08:37:51 PM
^ HA HA HA!^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on February 18, 2021, 10:09:49 PM
If two Aggies get divorced are they still cousins?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on February 19, 2021, 09:40:07 AM
Scott,

Being from Illinois, I didn't here those jokes about "aggies"  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 19, 2021, 12:52:36 PM
I did spent some time in Texas...  Lackland, Sheppard, Bergstrom AFB's
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 21, 2021, 11:15:04 AM
I was digging for Gold yesterday and sprang my ankle.
It was a Miner injury.

----------

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An Investigator!

----------

After much thought on the subject?
I figured out why skeletons don't fight each other.
They just don’t have the guts.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JohnnyPDX on February 21, 2021, 12:15:20 PM
If two Aggies get divorced are they still cousins?
Awesome
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on February 21, 2021, 02:00:56 PM
We're so proud of ourselves: we finished a jigsaw puzzle a just a few months.

The box said 1 to 5 years.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 22, 2021, 11:02:25 AM
i went to the doctor today and they said i had type A blood, but it was a type O.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 24, 2021, 10:32:07 AM

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic
classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to
his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the
rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand
and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!”



Thought you would want to know about this virus.   Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, and others cannot take care of this one.   It appears to target those who were born prior to 1945.   The lockdown seems to be increasing the chances of being infected.

  Virus Symptoms:
1.   Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2.   Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (Done that too)
3.   Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4.   Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5.   Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6.   Causes you to hit SEND before you’ve finished. (Oh no, not again!)
7.   Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.   (Hate that)
8.   Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE.

  This virus is called the C-Nile Virus!   A lot of us have already been infected with this deadly disease and unfortunately as we age it gets worse.
  And if you can’t admit to doing any of the above, you’ve obviously caught another strain of the virus — The D-NILE Virus!



A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The
obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or
eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size 8."

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands
up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house
to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my
best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7."

"The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes
off."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on February 25, 2021, 02:11:53 AM
I cannot remember what I have done with any of my emails but I deny ever doing anything with them at all. I must have both viruses.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 25, 2021, 10:43:37 AM

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to
follow God's command and "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply."
He's about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there
are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So
he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and
multiply."
The snakes reply, "That command doesn't apply to us."
Noah shakes his head and asks why.
"We can't," said the snakes, "we're adders.”



A man went to his doctor and told him he was having trouble with his hearing.
The doctor asked him to describe the symptoms.
The man replied, they are yellow, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair...

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 26, 2021, 12:58:48 PM
I was seeing spots before my eyes the other day.
My Wife asked me if I saw a Doctor yet.
I told her
"No. Just the spots."

-----------

Was about to crush a big spider when the Wife yelled at me
"Don't kill it! Take it out!"
So We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for a few drinks,
Nice Guy. Said he's studying to be a Lawyer.

----------

I went to a multi-cultural restaurant and asked for an Italian Salad with some Ethiopian Bread
The waiter refused to bring my order, claiming that it would be adding Insalate to Injera
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 27, 2021, 09:36:18 AM
Went to the Hospital and told the Receptionist I was there for an appointment.
She asked "Which Doctor?"
I replied "No. Just a regular one."

----------

My Wife said to me last night,
“You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 28, 2021, 06:45:36 PM
An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her
twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90.”




Nigerian man found dead in his apartment with $45 million in cash. He spent
the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.



My wife told me she didn't understand the science behind cloning. I replied,
"That makes two of us."



A short nap once in a while can prevent old age... especially while driving.



Why is it you never hear of someone doing something out of an UNDER
abundance of caution?



I think my wife has been putting superglue on my air gun collection. She
denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.



I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don't
care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.



Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he'll rob
everyone.



The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough
thought though.



I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. But I couldn't find
any.



I'm single by choice; Someone else's choice.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on February 28, 2021, 09:15:01 PM
Very good ones, Gary!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 01, 2021, 02:32:03 AM
Very good ones, Gary!

Yes!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on March 01, 2021, 09:20:27 AM
Very good ones, Gary!

Yes!

RATS, I should have sent the Nigerian my bank account info, LOL.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 01, 2021, 10:48:12 AM
Me too.
I always deleted them.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on March 01, 2021, 12:39:03 PM
"Virus Symptoms:
1.   Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2.   Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (Done that too)
3.   Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4.   Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5.   Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6.   Causes you to hit SEND before you’ve finished. (Oh no, not again!)
7.   Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.   (Hate that)
8.   Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE.

  This virus is called the C-Nile Virus!   A lot of us have already been infected with this deadly disease and unfortunately as we age it gets worse.
  And if you can’t admit to doing any of the above, you’ve obviously caught another strain of the virus — The D-NILE Virus!"


Seriously..

When I realised I was infected by this C-.., I put a delay of 2 min. when sending emails.  Since then, countless times I am able to rescue them still in the 'exit box'.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 02, 2021, 02:15:48 AM
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. But I couldn't find
any.

There have been many good jokes lately.  I try not to comment on each one.  Sometimes they remind me of something else I found funny; such as this clip about camo from Good Morning Vietnam:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIXD3eNocV4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIXD3eNocV4)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 02, 2021, 09:01:38 AM
Little Johnny was now in the fifth grade and not getting along with his teacher too well.  It seemed like he never had the right answer when the teacher called on him.  But he had a plan:  He put about six ball bearings in his pocket before going to school that morning.  When it was time for the question and answer part of his class, he sat quietly with his hands in his pockets.  When the teacher would ask a question, he would jiggle the ball bearings against each other making that steel clicking sound.  It seemed to really annoy the teacher.  Finally the teacher could not stand it any longer and asked who had the steel balls.  Little Johnny's hand went up and he said:  SUPERMAN!
Little Johnny was rewarded with a three-day vacation for answering correctly that time.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on March 02, 2021, 01:10:32 PM
Reminds me of when my older brother got in trouble for an answer that was logical.

His 1st or 2nd? grade teacher asked.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
He answered June bugs!  ;D

She was looking for Pilgrims and the class roared with laughter and he got sent to the office.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 02, 2021, 02:33:29 PM
She was looking for Pilgrims and the class roared with laughter and he got sent to the office.

This makes me want to wind the clock back to give that teacher a proper education.  The answer given was good and correct - even if not expected. 

Why would I be motivated to do that?  I have seen a few teachers like that...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 02, 2021, 02:34:48 PM
Little Johnny was rewarded with a three-day vacation for answering correctly that time.

Little Johnny knows the answer to; "what does the tail wagging the dog mean?"  :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 02, 2021, 06:13:29 PM
I was at McDonald's and saw a very good looking Woman spank her child for throwing french Fries on the floor.
So I stood up and threw my french fries on the floor!

----------

If a service dog approaches you and he is alone, it means the owner can't move and is in trouble.
Follow the dog to get a free wallet.

----------

My grandpa has the heart of a lion!
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 03, 2021, 03:22:45 AM
Thanks for those Jeff. I giggled at all three.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 03, 2021, 11:35:32 AM
When my Step Son was about 4 years old he swallowed a hand full of pennies so We rushed him to the hospital.
After about a half hour the Doctor walked out and I asked how he was doing.
The Doctor replied
"No change yet."

----------

My Wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast when I heard a loud thud!
I walked in and she's passed out on the floor!
At first I panic!  "gracious, what do I do??".
Then I remember!
Mcdonalds has All Day Breakfast.

----------

There's a young Lady that wants to fight in the UFC so she fights for money just around the corner from McDonalds.
Quarter? Pound her!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 03, 2021, 01:17:39 PM
Arnold Schwarzenegger is staring in a movie about the golden age of classical music.


He'll be Bach.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 03, 2021, 01:38:54 PM
(https://media4.giphy.com/media/1Be2m6bkWhROAMeHNj/source.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 03, 2021, 01:43:01 PM
(https://media4.giphy.com/media/1Be2m6bkWhROAMeHNj/source.gif)


Too many notes?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6_eqxh-Qok (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6_eqxh-Qok)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 04, 2021, 02:19:48 PM
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells,
"Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says,
"Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name.
"Buddy's blind," said the farmer.
"And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

----------

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.

"A gnome," comes the reply.
"I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"

The cat replies, "Um, I guess I'm a gnome."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 05, 2021, 07:47:48 PM
Your eyes can detect a candle flame 1.7 miles away.
In the USA, Candles cause an estimated 15,600 house fires, 150 deaths, and 1,270 injuries each year.
Statistics don't tell us if those people were Blind.

----------

I stopped by the Liquor Store early the other day just as a Guy was getting a bottle of cheap Vodka.
He was telling the Clerk that his Dog drank Anti-freeze and the Vet said an IV drip of cheap Vodka was what would save his pet.
So basically he wanted it for a sick dog.
After he left I placed 3 bottles of Whiskey on the counter and told the Clerk
"These are for my Cats!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 09, 2021, 06:01:13 PM
The thread, 'Goin Fishin' reminded me of this one:


Two fishing buddies were at the coffee shop one morning talking about a recent fishing trip one of them had taken.  At one point he stated:  . . . and when I pulled in that Perch, it looked very large.  When I measured that fish, it was a FOOT long and weighed 5 pounds. 
The second buddy stated that it was a very nice fish - probably a state record.  Then the second buddy went on to tell about his recent trip:  . . . and I hooked onto something unusual.  It turned out to be an old miners lantern - all rusted and full of barnacles.  And the really unusual thing, the flame was still burning.
Buddy One said:  Awww, I don't believe you!
Buddy Two then said:  Okay, I will blow out the flame if you will knock off a couple inches and a few pounds off that Perch of yours.  Deal?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 09, 2021, 09:24:01 PM
Mike, That reminded me of this...

Claude was the only one in the community catchin’ any fish. Folks was goin’ and they wasn’t catchin’ nothin’.
 Old Claude Ledbetter, he’d come with a pickup truck loaded down. So the State Game and Fish Commission decided they’d go fishin’ with Claude, just see how he was catchin’em.
 Claude told ’em..., y’all don’t know how to do it. Y’all ought to just go with me and watch me.
Well, the Game Warden got in the boat with him and they took off out in the middle of the river.
 The Game Warden said, “Alright Claude, I’m gonna see how you catchin’ all these fish when cain’t nobody else catch none.”
Claude raised the lid on the boat seat, got a big, long stick a dynamite. Lit the fuse on it. Let it go down kinda short, then drawed back and chucked it.
 Boom!
Them big catfish come turnin’ they belly up, whoopin’ it outta that water, and Claude was just gettin’em by the tub full.
The Game Warden said, “Boy, that’s against the law, you cain’t do that. Don’t you know you’re breakin’ the law?”
 Well then, Claude done lit another big stick a dynamite, handed it to the Game Warden; it goin’ phsssssh!
The Game Warden took that stick a dynamite and said, “You idiot! This is against the law! You cain’t do this!”

Claude said, “You gonna set there and argue, or you gonna fish!”

 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on March 09, 2021, 09:45:42 PM
A Vandy grad and a UT Vol were fishin' buddies. They went fishing one cool fall evening. Along dark thirty they started to feel a little chill and decided to go ashore and start a fire. They sat there a while and noticed bait fish running. They got back in the boat and started catching the fire out of fish! After about thirty minutes of this they drifted about a hundred yards out.  The Vol asked "how are we going to get back?"
The Commodore answered "I'll shine the light on the bank, you crawl over on the beam and get the paddles." The Vol says "No way, I'll get halfway across and you'll turn the light off!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 10, 2021, 11:44:07 AM
i slammed my hand in a rental car door.  it hertz.


i accidentally swallowed some food coloring.  doc says i'll be ok, but i feel like i've dyed inside.


i tried suing the airlines for losing my luggage, but i lost the case.



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Longbob on March 10, 2021, 01:15:54 PM
I already got vaccinated with the Russian COVID-19 vaccine

And I can təll you not to woяяy! I still doи't seə anч sidə efectoski secundarioski и меня зовут Лопес Обрадор, и я коррумпирован и лжец и почему я даю чистые прямые награды
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on March 10, 2021, 01:58:55 PM
Good one Rob. Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Longbob on March 10, 2021, 02:14:16 PM
Good one Rob. Craig

Thank you, Craig. I started to post it in Dons 'fear and anxiety' thread. Then decided it would be better in this thread.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on March 10, 2021, 02:49:56 PM
Germs boost your immune system
They say that exposure germs boosts your immune system. So to ensure a healthy amount of exposure, a couple times a week I take a sip of some tea that's been sitting out for a few days. I don't plan it.....
But it still happens :(

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Longbob on March 10, 2021, 02:55:07 PM
Germs boost your immune system
They say that exposure germs boosts your immune system. So to ensure a healthy amount of exposure, a couple times a week I take a sip of some tea that's been sitting out for a few days. I don't plan it.....
But it still happens :(

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

Thank you for reminding me I need to switch out the green tea / lemongrass mix that's been sitting in my 1 quart tumbler for ....... awhile.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on March 10, 2021, 03:53:28 PM
What do you call a fear of overly intricate buildings.
It's called a "complex complex complex" of coarse.

______________________________

The only thing flat-earthers have to fear..
is sphere itself

______________________________

a phobia of German sausage
is to fear the wurst

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 10, 2021, 04:12:50 PM
a phobia of German sausage
is to fear the wurst

Germans can be funny:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C-vYY3SBDE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C-vYY3SBDE)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 10, 2021, 09:36:11 PM
"Where is Dachau?" In da field with da rest of da herd!

DUH!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 11, 2021, 01:06:47 AM
Some goodins
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 11, 2021, 01:09:41 AM
More goodins
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 11, 2021, 01:12:32 AM
And yet more
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on March 11, 2021, 06:12:29 PM
I already got vaccinated with the Russian COVID-19 vaccine

And I can təll you not to woяяy! I still doи't seə anч sidə efectoski secundarioski и меня зовут Лопес Обрадор, и я коррумпирован и лжец и почему я даю чистые прямые награды

I got a good chuckle out of that dark joke but that reminds me have you heard about the 39yr old mom (https://banned.video/watch?id=604978db9a97873a2b68a897) who died after her 2nd moderna shot? Not a joke sadly for her devastated family.

Funny dog pic Robert and funny earth joke too Dan!


My jokes for the day:

Money talks but all mine says is goodbye.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

People are always shocked when they discover I am a bad electrician.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on March 12, 2021, 01:07:36 PM
Saw this on another site; thought it was funny, especially since my state has started putting sales tax on some food items...
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 13, 2021, 02:29:50 PM
My latest experiment failed.
I tried crossing a Parrot with a Centipede and all I got was a Walkie-Talkie.

----------

Then I tried crossing a pie with a snake.
Ended up with a Py-Thon.

----------

Was thinking. Can February March?
Decided No, but April May.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 13, 2021, 02:30:19 PM
You've heard of Murphy's famous law: Everything that can go wrong will go
wrong.

There are many other related laws. Here are a few:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's
Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem. --Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by
brute strength and ignorance. --William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where
they can do the least damage - management. --The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a
hurry. --Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage. --Cole's Law


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 13, 2021, 02:58:51 PM
When someone was having difficulty fixing something, the shop foreman always said:  Get a BIGGER hammer!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on March 13, 2021, 10:09:53 PM
bavaria55n:

Great post and last word... "Thinly sliced cabbage. --Cole's Law"...
ROFL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on March 13, 2021, 10:25:15 PM
When the compressor no longer works...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on March 14, 2021, 01:51:13 AM
What street corner does she hang out on, my compressor just failed.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 15, 2021, 12:02:34 PM
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.   As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
  
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
  
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
  
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
*************************************************************************************************

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the former leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the
Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show
the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic
faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in
his hand.

"Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader
of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But there is a man named
Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to
make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your
personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation,
we'll also win the match!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was
made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope
of the match. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said
the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but though I've played some
pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I've ever
played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long
and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect.
With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"What's the bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 15, 2021, 02:06:13 PM
True story... 15 minutes ago
the best words out out your wife's mouth..
"Here is the beach bartender... chug your drink"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 16, 2021, 08:58:38 AM
How do trees access the internet?
.
.
.
They "log" in.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 16, 2021, 11:16:40 AM

Sports Jokes


What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a pig? A pork chop.

FOOTBALL PLAYER: Coach, my doctor says I can't play football anymore.
COACH: You didn't need to go to a doctor I could have told you that.

What should a runner eat before a race?
Ketchup

REPORTER: How long have you been running for?
TRACK STAR: Since I was eight years old.
REPORTER: Gee, you must be tired.

What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a tree?
Spruce Lee

GAME WARDEN: Didn't you see the sign? "It says no fishing."
BOY: I'm not fishing I'm teaching my worms how to swim.

FIRST BOY: Wow it's a run-home.
SECOND BOY: You mean a home-run.
FIRST BOY: No I mean a run-home. You just hit a ball through the neighbor's
window.

LITTLE LEAGUER: Dad, what does a pitcher do when he starts to lose his
eyesight?
DAD: He gets a job as an umpire.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 16, 2021, 03:14:49 PM
Don't mess with OLD people!!!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 16, 2021, 03:25:08 PM
I like the twist at the end, Robert :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 16, 2021, 05:01:52 PM
It made me LoL.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 16, 2021, 06:18:13 PM
How did NASCAR get it's name?
A group of Good Ol' Boys were racing cars around when one of them said
"Dat right dare be a nas car Buddy!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 17, 2021, 11:32:57 AM
Happy St. Patty's Day!


remember, puns on this day don't just shame you, they seamus all!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 17, 2021, 11:34:54 AM
LOL!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joe Smith on March 18, 2021, 10:12:14 AM
Did you know that N on the helmets of University of Nebraska football helmets stands for Knowledge?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Joe Smith on March 18, 2021, 10:23:58 AM
Walmart is opening dentist clinics in it stores.
There will be an express line for people with fewer than 12 teeth.
Gary

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Because if it had been invented anywhere else it would be called the Teethbrush.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 20, 2021, 11:22:24 AM
i once dated a woman who spent all her time making moonshine, but i loved her still.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 22, 2021, 10:04:17 AM
My friend writes songs about sewing machines.
He is a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 22, 2021, 11:31:11 AM
A guy goes into a pub with his kangaroo.
They're knocking back the drinks, getting brahms and lizst.
Suddenly the kangaroo falls unconscious on the floor.
The drunk staggers out of the pub, and the barman yells at him...
"Hey buddy you can't leave that lying here"!
The drunks turns around with great dignity and says
"For your information mate, that's not a lion it's a kangaroo".

----------

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?
A strawberry.

----------

I was at a hospital and I said "Stay positive"
I got kicked out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 22, 2021, 07:35:17 PM
6:30 is the best time of the day
Hands down
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 23, 2021, 02:18:40 AM
6:30 is the best time of the day
Hands down
      (https://media.giphy.com/media/3o7TKAwfiJfUW85bKo/giphy.gif)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 23, 2021, 10:34:42 AM
In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: "That's the hat for you! It makes you look
ten years younger."
"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer.
"I certainly can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!”


I went outside and tried to catch some fog today.
Mist

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 24, 2021, 10:07:31 AM
This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down …





********************************************************************
My husband is a minister who generally conducts an expanded altar call at
the end of each sermon. He invites those who wish to accept Jesus Christ as
their personal Lord and Savior to come forward, as well as those in need of
prayers or anyone who has other special requests, to come forward.

To the surprise and delight of the congregation our three-year-old daughter,
without saying a word to me, got up and made her way forward.

She waited patiently while the others in line ahead of her made their
special prayer requests.

When her turn came, my husband leaned down to ask what she needed.

She whispered, "Can we go to the restaurant after church today?"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 25, 2021, 02:30:04 PM
I was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion after an accident at work.
The doctor asked Me a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”
“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”
As the Doctor left the room I turned to the nurse and said,
“I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 26, 2021, 12:07:33 PM

INTERESTING  OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
 
THE amazing fact is, the  higher  you go in the corporate structure, the  smaller  your  balls  become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington D C playing  marbles.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 26, 2021, 12:08:29 PM
I was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion after an accident at work.
The doctor asked Me a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”
“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”
As the Doctor left the room I turned to the nurse and said,
“I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
Love it 👍👍
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on March 26, 2021, 01:16:21 PM
I was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion after an accident at work.
The doctor asked Me a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”
“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”
As the Doctor left the room I turned to the nurse and said,
“I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
Love it 👍👍

Me to.  CRaig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on March 26, 2021, 01:35:39 PM

INTERESTING  OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
 
THE amazing fact is, the  higher  you go in the corporate structure, the  smaller  your  balls  become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington D C playing  marbles.


I have to add to that!

At the Grocery Chain I worked for supervision always had events with Paint Ball.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on March 26, 2021, 07:16:17 PM

INTERESTING  OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
 
THE amazing fact is, the  higher  you go in the corporate structure, the  smaller  your  balls  become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington D C playing  marbles.

Oh so true. :o :o

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Doyle on March 27, 2021, 08:41:31 AM
https://youtu.be/UWLDQeVK16A
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Doyle on March 27, 2021, 09:51:27 AM
https://youtu.be/PPnDYieoris
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Doyle on March 28, 2021, 01:44:34 AM
https://youtu.be/wOwvnBzJK5k
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Doyle on March 28, 2021, 01:46:47 AM
https://youtu.be/SwZWaw2NCrM
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Doyle on March 28, 2021, 08:37:13 AM
https://youtu.be/MfTv8dwGpwI
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 28, 2021, 12:59:32 PM
Schlitz - The Beer that made Milwaukee famous.


Many years ago, there was a pitcher named Mel Famee.  Mel was a very good pitcher and a beer loving too.
One Sunday afternoon, Mel was the starting pitcher.  In the 1st Inning, Mel stuck out the first three batters.  To celebrate, Mel chugged a couple Schlitz beers between innings.
In the 2nd Inning, Mel again struck out three batters.  But there were a couple of batters that reached base after being walked.  Mel again celebrated the strike outs by chugging a couple Schlitz beers between innings.
In the 3rd Inning, Mel again stuck out three batters.  This time he walked four batters before finally getting the third strike out.  Again, two more Schlitz beers were downed between innings.
In the fourth Inning, Mel could not seem to find the 'plate'.  After walking five batters, Coach, brought in another pitcher.
As Mel walked to the dugout, a player on the other team was heard to say:  SCHLITZ, the beer that made Mel Famee walk us!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 28, 2021, 01:19:58 PM
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says,
“I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?”
The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight.
When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams,
“Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 28, 2021, 02:37:05 PM
During a test a professor noticed that one of  the married
students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she left, he
asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot
up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," he said, feeling genuinely relieved.

"Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your
class..."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 28, 2021, 03:32:43 PM
I had a student that worked nights after the school day ended.  Several time he fell asleep during my class [the last class of the day.]  Most of the time he would be awake by the last bell.  But once, all the student had collected their books and things and walked out the room.  And the guy was still asleep.  I collected my papers, book bag, keys, and umbrella; and I left the room too.
The next morning, when I got to school and opened the door to my room, . . . .
No, he wasn't there!  The cleaning crew had awakened the boy and sent him on his way - well rested and ready for work.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 30, 2021, 12:41:08 PM
i recently got crushed by a pile of books.  i suppose i've only my shelf to blame.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 30, 2021, 12:41:28 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on March 30, 2021, 01:03:32 PM
.
LOL!  ;D
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Doyle on March 30, 2021, 03:37:41 PM
https://youtu.be/kLUFit8815c
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Doyle on March 30, 2021, 08:38:10 PM
https://youtu.be/j9rH2-dZ0eM
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on April 03, 2021, 08:16:08 AM
If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on April 10, 2021, 11:31:51 AM
 She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the dam umbrella.  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on April 11, 2021, 07:22:45 AM
What do you call a cheap circumcision?....  A rip-off!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 12, 2021, 01:16:05 PM
funny but true
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 12, 2021, 01:17:44 PM
This happens to me everytime
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 12, 2021, 01:18:46 PM
Hov lane?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 12, 2021, 01:20:13 PM
Masks?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 12, 2021, 01:22:02 PM
Smart water???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on April 12, 2021, 01:30:57 PM
Not working? Its my first bottle.

Smart water???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 12, 2021, 01:56:12 PM
Smart water???

I am so blessed to have great well water.
 If anyone suggested bottled water would sell when I was a kid they would have been labeled "retard or crazy", that explains why so many rich today are..., LOL.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on April 13, 2021, 02:46:24 PM
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.


He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line.
I had no bills and no debt.
I even had full medical benefits coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "
"Because of Coronavirus, I was unexpectedly paroled".

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on April 13, 2021, 04:33:14 PM
Mike, LOL my ^&* off on that one. ;D ;D  Keep them coming.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 13, 2021, 08:06:18 PM
Smart water???

I am so blessed to have great well water.
 If anyone suggested bottled water would sell when I was a kid they would have been labeled "retard or crazy", that explains why so many rich today are..., LOL.
Heck,we use to drink out of the garden hose.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on April 13, 2021, 08:09:43 PM
Smart water???

I am so blessed to have great well water.
 If anyone suggested bottled water would sell when I was a kid they would have been labeled "retard or crazy", that explains why so many rich today are..., LOL.
Heck,we use to drink out of the garden hose.
Ahh, nothing quite like the rubbery taste of that water.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on April 13, 2021, 08:12:23 PM
This one may already be in the thread somewhere, but it's one of my faves from the past few years...

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 13, 2021, 08:44:33 PM
Smart water???

I am so blessed to have great well water.
 If anyone suggested bottled water would sell when I was a kid they would have been labeled "retard or crazy", that explains why so many rich today are..., LOL.
Heck,we use to drink out of the garden hose.
Ahh, nothing quite like the rubbery taste of that water.

I still drink out of the garden hose sometimes, but I buy potable water hoses so the taste is not weird or "unsafe".  I have drank a lot of water from hoses that are considered "unsafe" now. That never seemed to have any ill effects on me that I am aware of and it certainly wasn't my riskiest behavior while growing up, or currently for that matter, LOL. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 13, 2021, 08:47:01 PM
This one may already be in the thread somewhere, but it's one of my faves from the past few years...

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
I had to share that one 😅
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on April 13, 2021, 10:37:57 PM
I am so blessed to have great well water.
 

Did you know that one can turn well water into holy water? 

It is easy.  Just fill a stove pot with well water, and then boil the  h e ll out of it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on April 13, 2021, 10:52:44 PM
I need to stop drinking coffee when I read this thread... Almost had to dry off my laptop several times now!
You all have probably heard this one (not too great, but it's something)
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because seven-ate-nine...  :P
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on April 13, 2021, 11:00:46 PM
I am so blessed to have great well water.
 

Did you know that one can turn well water into holy water? 

It is easy.  Just fill a stove pot with well water, and then boil the  h e ll out of it.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL! 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on April 13, 2021, 11:02:36 PM
I need to stop drinking coffee when I read this thread... Almost had to dry off my laptop several times now!
You all have probably heard this one (not too great, but it's something)
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because seven-ate-nine...  :P
Jesse

I am thinking we need an entire thread dedicated to Bad Dad Jokes! ;D
LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 13, 2021, 11:10:43 PM
I am so blessed to have great well water.
 

Did you know that one can turn well water into holy water? 

It is easy.  Just fill a stove pot with well water, and then boil the  h e ll out of it.

I have heard that, but as one that was raised Pentecostal and then turned Baptist I have never seen or had a use for holy water.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on April 14, 2021, 12:23:56 AM
I am thinking we need an entire thread dedicated to Bad Dad Jokes! ;D
LOL
Funny you should say that; guess who I heard that one from...  ;)
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on April 14, 2021, 12:26:44 AM
Lol! Funny!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on April 14, 2021, 12:34:00 AM
censored for nerfgun users
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on April 14, 2021, 09:33:41 AM
Just bought a new springer!

Looking for ammo...

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bimota on April 14, 2021, 11:57:32 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/EJox0gm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on April 15, 2021, 10:13:18 AM
Elected officials are public servants........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on April 15, 2021, 11:00:51 AM
Elected officials are public servants........
That is hilarious.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 15, 2021, 07:34:20 PM
Elected officials are public servants........
That is hilarious.  ;D
It is hilarious. Our elected officials need to be reminded of that on a regular basis.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DonC on April 15, 2021, 07:55:32 PM
Went on a grapefruit diet. Screwed up and ate 8 grapefruits, now every time I pee it shoots me in the eye.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 15, 2021, 08:17:29 PM
Elected officials are public servants........
That is hilarious.  ;D
It is hilarious. Our elected officials need to be reminded of that on a regular basis.
That they're hilarious?????
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on April 16, 2021, 06:34:16 AM
NO! That they work for us.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on April 17, 2021, 08:07:41 AM
Went on a grapefruit diet. Screwed up and ate 8 grapefruits, now every time I pee it shoots me in the eye.
https://youtu.be/RqmPxhD2hEA
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on April 17, 2021, 04:22:21 PM
Last week a guy gets in a cab going to the airport.
He wants to ask the driver a question and gently taps him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control, ran up on the curb barely missing a parked car and stopping just inches from the front window of a packed restaurant.
The passenger says, I'm sorry, I didn't think a little tap to get your attention would scare you so badly.
Driver - No, it is entirely my fault. See, this is my first day driving a cab. The last twenty five years I have been driving a hearse.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 17, 2021, 04:53:58 PM
https://youtu.be/fCIw6QCmaJ8

Thought some would find this funny.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on April 17, 2021, 11:50:57 PM
https://youtu.be/fCIw6QCmaJ8

Thought some would find this funny.

This was one of my dads favorite songs!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jmoronic on April 18, 2021, 12:18:20 AM
So a ( PC corrected) walks into a pizza shop and asked (PC corrected) the shop owner said (PC corrected)

Funny stuff right, wait a few more years and this will not be correct.  :'(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on April 18, 2021, 02:50:13 AM
https://youtu.be/fCIw6QCmaJ8

Thought some would find this funny.

I always like the "Battle of New Orleans" by Johnny Horton.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on April 18, 2021, 12:48:29 PM
And, Sink The Bismarck, North To Alaska............
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 18, 2021, 02:56:21 PM
A few goodins
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 18, 2021, 02:59:05 PM
A few more.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 18, 2021, 03:02:24 PM
And still a few more
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bduares on April 19, 2021, 12:29:35 PM
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,
but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on April 19, 2021, 12:44:09 PM
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,
but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

LOL! That reminds me of the two socialist nudist blondes sitting on a porch.
The first one asks, "Have you read Marx?"
The second one replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on April 19, 2021, 03:03:26 PM
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,
but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

Good one!

Never heard it before!

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 19, 2021, 05:37:42 PM
I don’t know what it is about mules and hinnies
But something about them just seems half-assed

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'Thats once.'"

NEXT:
 A Man bought a mule from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died."
   "Well, then, just give me my money back," said the Man.
    "Can't do that,” replied the farmer. “I went and spent it already."
    "OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
    "What ya gonna do with him?"
    "I'm going to raffle him off."
    "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
    "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Man and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
    "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
    "Didn't anyone complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won,” said the Man. “So I gave him his two dollars back."

AND THEN...:

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.
      They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."
      When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."
      The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.
      The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead?"
     
      The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

FINALLY:

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man.
He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

  At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head 'yes' for men and 'no' for women?"
  Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale...."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bimota on April 21, 2021, 05:45:29 PM
Best nascar race
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6hO8RRFGbU&t=80s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6hO8RRFGbU&t=80s)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on April 23, 2021, 11:07:25 AM
Okay, this one *almost* fits into the Dad Joke category...

It's A Texan Thing
October 3, 2019  ·
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving galveston beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."
"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
 "Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 23, 2021, 01:54:55 PM
That's a goodin 😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 24, 2021, 12:19:33 PM
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk but when I pass gas, the room smells lovely.

----------

A lot of people have been shocked to learn how bad I am as an electrician.

----------

I think that the shovel was a groundbreaking invention.

----------

A husband died and a few years later the wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death do Us part!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on April 24, 2021, 12:52:07 PM
Field-expedient beer cap opener:



(https://i.imgur.com/prupeFE.jpg?1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on April 24, 2021, 01:04:43 PM
Best nascar race
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6hO8RRFGbU&t=80s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6hO8RRFGbU&t=80s)


LOL...Good one! "What will they think of next".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 24, 2021, 01:55:59 PM
The most popular labor-saving device is still money. - Phyllis George

Successful investing takes time, discipline, and patience. No matter how
great the talent or effort, some things just take time: You can't produce a
baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant. - Warren Buffet

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every
year. I told him, "At my age I don't even buy green bananas." - Claude
Pepper

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. - Spike
Mulligan

There were times when my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell
if it was heads or tails. - Spencer Tracy

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. - Warren Buffet

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in
America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - Robert Orben

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. - Oscar Wilde

An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a
way you don't understand. - Anon

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. -
Christopher Marlowe

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. - Anon





A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that he was usually
very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him that
he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to
him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which
the boy replied, "Yes, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.”

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on April 24, 2021, 02:04:31 PM
Do you know how to make a small fortune on the stock exchange?

Start with a large one...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on April 24, 2021, 06:00:55 PM
     There was a tremendous turn around in the market today. A stockbroker jumped out of a window on the 20th floor, saw a computer screen on the fifth floor and did a u-turn.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 24, 2021, 06:39:05 PM
Nancy: Look at that drunk guy!
Me: Who is he?
Nancy: 25 years back he proposed to me and I rejected him.
Me: Oh my God, he's still celebrating!

----------

Because of this pandemic does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

----------

I tried working in an Orange Juice factory.
I got fired because I could not concentrate.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 24, 2021, 10:20:25 PM
(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-mAjUjvtdUDU/UhLMmXWqyjI/AAAAAAAACz4/vpO9ikJ0T9s/s640/blogger-image--829868036.jpg)

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4d/7b/73/4d7b73aa58794af94210c6701401c6e6.jpg)

(https://static.catsoncatnip.co/images/raJmMNZqWUTO_2378.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on April 24, 2021, 10:31:38 PM
The humor of Gary Larsen is always funny -- and a bit weird.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 24, 2021, 10:52:06 PM
Why Tom, what ever do you mean?
 ;)


(https://www.cardcow.com/images/set856/card00155_fr.jpg)


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 25, 2021, 02:53:18 PM
Nancy: Look at that drunk guy!
Me: Who is he?
Nancy: 25 years back he proposed to me and I rejected him.
Me: Oh my God, he's still celebrating!

----------

Because of this pandemic does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

----------

I tried working in an Orange Juice factory.
I got fired because I could not concentrate.

I can sort of relate. My wifes name is Nancy! lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 25, 2021, 03:08:39 PM
I started a band that I call 999 Megabytes.
We have not gotten a gig yet.

----------

Word of the day: Airgasam

That feeling you get when you take off your mask and take that first deep breath of cool air!

----------

They've just found a gene for shyness.
They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 28, 2021, 10:25:04 AM
A forester who often has to consult property owners to determine
boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he
encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep
Out...This Means You!"

Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative
landowner.

When he was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me
again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 28, 2021, 01:26:00 PM
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him,
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you"

The drunk replies,
"Boobs"

----------

The fact that there's a highway to *(&^ and a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on April 28, 2021, 01:33:51 PM
Can't blame the chap - she offered :)


Reminds me of this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DyWJ71-6QQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DyWJ71-6QQ)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 28, 2021, 02:30:10 PM
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 Byte.
Then everything crashed.

-----------

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...

She hugged me.
 :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on April 28, 2021, 04:13:05 PM
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 Byte.
Then everything crashed.

-----------

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...

She hugged me.
 :P

Oh yeah!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on April 28, 2021, 06:23:14 PM
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 Byte.
Then everything crashed.

-----------

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...

She hugged me.
 :P

The hugs that last forever, the mistakes that keep on giving [chuckling]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 29, 2021, 11:05:25 AM
I got kicked out of a Flat Earth group just for asking if the six foot social distancing rule had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 29, 2021, 03:23:19 PM
I asked my grandpa,
"After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?"

He Said
"I forgot her name five years ago and I'm too scared to ask her."

----------

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my Son,
"That's us in 10 years time."

He said,
"That's a mirror, You idiot!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 29, 2021, 09:29:05 PM
OK.. Those both hit TOOOOO close to home.
When I am intoxicated I call my wife "Lovey Dear" in respect of Thurston Howell the 3rd  ::) :P ;) :D

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/0e/Thurston_Howell%2C_III.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on April 30, 2021, 12:57:25 PM
 ..."Moola, Moola,....Moola, Moola"!

Sad that I remember Thurston singing that, and can't remember what I did day before yesterday...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mole2017 on April 30, 2021, 01:08:21 PM
..."Moola, Moola,....Moola, Moola"!

Sad that I remember Thurston singing that, and can't remember what I did day before yesterday...

I remember that gangster episode, though I was probably watching re-runs at that age.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 30, 2021, 03:18:08 PM
I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.
I say "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot."

So I said, "Okay, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.

----------

Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a Mask during COVID.

I still wear underwear after all!

----------

I had a friend that planted some dope in his garden.

All that grew out of it was a life sentence for murder.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 30, 2021, 04:30:37 PM
My moral compass is broken...
...so I got an ethical GPS instead.
It gives lousy directions but I always end up meeting the nicest people.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 01, 2021, 03:24:43 PM
I turned to Nancy, ran my hand up her thigh across her belly and down her legs.
When I turned back to watch tv she asked
"Why stop?"

"I found the remote" I replied.

----------

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 03, 2021, 10:35:00 AM
Privateer.
Thanks for keeping us well supplied.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 03, 2021, 01:04:42 PM

That woman wearing capris looks very capricious. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 03, 2021, 01:18:05 PM
Did you hear about the shoplifter that stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

----------

When I was young I told my Dad I was considering a career in Organized Crime.
He asked me,
"Government or Private sector?"

----------

Tea is an Evil Substance!
I was out with Friends till about 3 AM drinking beer as the Wife sat home drinking tea.

You should have SEEN how angry and violent she was when I got home!
I was peaceful, silent and I headed to bed as she shouted at me.
This went on all night and up to nearly noon!

Please Ladies!
If you can't handle your tea? JUST DON'T DRINK IT!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on May 03, 2021, 01:27:16 PM
He got 12 months.

A sick man was given 3 months to live.  He could not pay his bills, so his doctor gave him another 3 months.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 04, 2021, 10:56:46 AM
When you go to the mall with your wife hold her hand.
If you turn loose she will start shopping.
It looks romantic but is really economics.




A man tells his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give
up smoking."
"What did he say?"
"He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar
of chocolate."
"Did that do any good?"
"No, I can't get the chocolate to light."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 04, 2021, 03:06:21 PM
I threw a boomerang a few years ago and I'm now living in constant fear.

----------

I used to think that my Chiropractor was not very good.
But now, I stand corrected.

----------

My wife accused me of being immature just because I told her to get out of my pillow fort!

----------

Our Emergency Room Doctor has an unusual Hobby.
He's a Stand up comedian.
Every time I visit him he leaves me in stitches.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 05, 2021, 05:37:13 PM
I was telling a Guy in a Bar I was a ParaTrooper and was thinking of going Sky Diving again.
He replied,
"You need a Parachute to Sky Dive , right?"
I replied,
"If you intend to do it more then once? Yes."

----------

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

----------

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 06, 2021, 06:04:28 PM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX--1zzFWmw
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 07, 2021, 11:16:26 PM
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best!
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable.”
[Received from Good, Clean Funnies]

A man dressed up as a baby horse, and made a complete foal of himself.

I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares.

I have kleptomania. When it gets bad I take something for it.

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae
school.

The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.

Cardboard belts are a waist of paper.


Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said,
"No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the
refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Went shopping while hungry; now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 6.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough."

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable.

Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.

Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor first thing in the
morning, the devil says: "Oh, oh, here she comes."

When you can't find the sunshine...be the sunshine.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 08, 2021, 03:14:09 PM
My Wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow.
She looked confused and said
"No, why?"
I said
"Because you're Russian me."

----------

Why don't people like jokes about clones?
They're all the same.

----------

I managed to clone myself, but something went wrong.
My clone would repeatedly stick his head out the fourth-story window, and curse at people below.
I was at a loss, and deeply embarrassed by My clone's behavior.
After two weeks of pleading and threatening My clone, I saw no other alternative than to push the clone out the window.
Within an hour, I was arrested!
I was charged with making an obscene clone fall.

----------

A couple left the gynecologist’s office with the wife in tears.
They were just told that she could never become pregnant and they would never have the family they both desired so fervently.
Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed, "This is the answer to our prayers!"

Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone.

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.

He answered, "I think that was... the Clone Arranger."

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 08, 2021, 08:25:47 PM
You're diggin low there Jeff.
Not you usual quality. :-X
SO THAT SAID...

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.
The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class:
 "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. ::)

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 08, 2021, 08:37:22 PM
You're diggin low there Jeff.
Not you usual quality. :-X

:o
I didn't realize I was on a grading scale!
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 08, 2021, 08:44:48 PM
A recent trip by Explorers to the Titanic wreck site confirmed that all the pools are still full of water. 

-----------

You know where to find the most ghosts?
Lake Erie

----------

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues,
 "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."
 (At this point, several of the children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them! I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says,
"I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot,
"but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

----------

Three Men are sitting at a bus stop
The first man says, "I served in the U.S. Army for 10 years. I was involved in the Korean War."

The second man says, "Nice. I served in the United States Marine Corps for 8 years. I was involved in the Iraq War."

The third man says, "I was involved in the War on Drugs. I served 15 years at San Quentin."

----------

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 08, 2021, 09:34:44 PM
LOL!
Those were great

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on May 09, 2021, 04:26:19 AM
LOL!
Those were great


Yes! He's back.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 09, 2021, 02:56:00 PM
World War II is in full force, and a Japanese plane and an american plane both crash after a dogfight on a deserted jungle island.
The American pilot and Japanese pilot meet on the beach and figure they'll call a truce until they're rescued.

"Alright" says the American. "I'll get the fire going."
Then tells the Japanese pilot to go into the forest and handle the supplies.

Time passes, and soon a roaring signal fire is going, but the sun is starting to go down and the Japanese pilot is nowhere to be found.

Not wanting to be down a man in their situation, the American ventures into the woods to look for him.

He searches for many hours then decides to head back to camp and to continue the search tomorrow.

As he gets back to camp,
the Japanese pilot jumps out from behind a rock and yells
"SUPPLIES!!!"

----------

I tried to catch fog yesterday, mist.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on May 09, 2021, 07:48:17 PM
You're diggin low there Jeff.
Not you usual quality. :-X

:o
I didn't realize I was on a grading scale!
 ;D


  You're up to an A+ ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 10, 2021, 10:17:45 AM
I just earned a 4th degree black belt in kung flu, needless to say all I have to do is cough and any would be foe just runs away.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on May 10, 2021, 10:36:43 AM
Well, 99.5ºF [degrees] will probably earn you the same reaction.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 10, 2021, 04:03:54 PM
It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a Japanese patrol. One of the benefits of using Code Talkers in WW2 was that the Japanese couldn’t “decode” their native tongue—And this Code Talker didn’t speak much English, making it impossible for the enemy to steal messages in transit.

He had finally put some distance between himself and the Japanese, but needed a place to rest. Seeing a foxhole – he jumped in.

He was shocked to see another soldier in the foxhole—but happy to see he was US Marine. While it would be impossible to communicate with the soldier he now shared a foxhole with, he was happy to have a safe place to rest, since it was late in a very long day.

The Marine was startled to see him, but was happy to have another soldier show up. He introduced himself, but just got a confused stare from the Code Talker. He started to get curious about who he was sharing a foxhole with…

“I don’t recognize the insignia on your uniform…but this far behind enemy lines, you must be a paratrooper?” (The Marine waves his hands in the air, emulating a falling parachute).

The Code Talker raises an eyebrow, but says nothing.

The Marine continues, “The way you were running…maybe you’re infantry? Are you infantry?” (He points his fingers down, and wiggles them in a ‘walking’ motion).

Grey Beaver frowns. Silence.

“I got it!” the Marine says, “You’re deaf! You’re in the artillery, and you can’t hear me, because of being around the big guns!” (He makes a fist and pumps his forearm to demonstrate a big cannon being fired.)

The Code Talker is now visibly upset, and starts looking around…but says nothing.

“Well, obviously you can hear me,” says the Marine, “so I don’t understand why you’re not saying anything…unless… Of course! You’re a spy, and you’re not saying anything to anyone, and I respect that!…Though I’d love to hear about the things you saw while you were spying!” and he (put his hands to his eyes, as if looking through binoculars).

With that, the Code Talker jumped up and bolted from the foxhole. He was soon spotted by the enemy, but didn’t’ care as bullets flew around him. He ran.

A half hour later, exhausted he stumbled into another foxhole, and was thrilled to see this one was already occupied by another Code Talker.

“What has happened to you?” Says the Code Talker, startled to see his platoon mate in such rough shape, and obviously distressed.

“Y-y-you said the American soldiers were on our side! You lied” said Grey Beaver, emphasizing his words with the hand signals common to their tribe.

“Of course they are—why would you say that? What happened?” asked the code talker, using the native hand signs for ‘care’, and ‘concern’.

Grey Beaver catches his breath, “because I just came from a foxhole where there was a soldier that had learned some of our sign language, and he said…”

(waves his hands in the air, emulating a falling parachute)

“When the sun goes down”

(points his fingers down, and wiggles them in a ‘walking’ motion)

“And everyone’s gone home”

(makes a fist and pumps his forearm to demonstrate a big cannon being fired.)

“I’m going to bang you up the behind”

(hands to his eyes, as if looking through binoculars)

“Until your eyes get THIS BIG”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 10, 2021, 04:44:50 PM
Laughed so hard I've got tears in my eyes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 10, 2021, 11:36:02 PM

I didn't realize I was on a grading scale!
 ;D
[/quote]

You are the gold standard.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 11, 2021, 12:58:43 AM
There are only 2 kinds of ships, submarines and targets  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 11, 2021, 11:30:49 AM
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"

----------

There was an old man who lived by a forest
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was.
All because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

----------

An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe...
As he’s looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.

“This is terrible! There’s no expiration date on our marriage license!”

The wife turns around from her work and reaches around her husband pointing at the last lines of the license.

“Sure it does, right here... ‘til death.’”

She continues: “Do you want to get out now or in a couple years?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on May 12, 2021, 12:03:05 AM
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"

----------

There was an old man who lived by a forest
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was.
All because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

----------

An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe...
As he’s looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.

“This is terrible! There’s no expiration date on our marriage license!”

The wife turns around from her work and reaches around her husband pointing at the last lines of the license.

“Sure it does, right here... ‘til death.’”

She continues: “Do you want to get out now or in a couple years?”

[chuckling] Thanks again, Jeff.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 12, 2021, 02:11:44 PM
Log in Problems!
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." >1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1bloodyprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1BLOODYprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1BloodyPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1BloodyPrettyRoseShovedUpYourBehindIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1BloodyPrettyRoseShovedUpYourBehindIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

----------

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)
And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

----------

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they've aimed at themselves"

----------

I was in a car dealership looking at some newer models.
Of course I was asking questions until it came to...
"cargo space?".
The dealer replies
"car no do that. car go road."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on May 12, 2021, 04:00:51 PM

This
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on May 12, 2021, 04:14:01 PM
(https://s1.cdn.autoevolution.com/images/news/prostitutes-and-drunks-road-signs-18955_2.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 13, 2021, 10:18:05 AM
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, sitting
across the aisle from a woman and her young son a woman couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard
the mother say to the boy, "Now remember -- run to Dad first, then the dog."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 14, 2021, 09:42:03 AM
2 foreigners want to immigrate to Canada so they go to the immigration office.
First guy goes in and the immigration officer asks “alright you want to come into Canada, what do you do for work?”

The foreigner says “oh I a pilot, I a pilot “
Immigration officer goes “alright a pilot sounds good welcome to Canada”

Second guy walks in and is greeted with the same question about his occupation.
He replies “oh I a chop a da wood, I chop a da wood”

Immigration officer replies “oh no sorry we already have enough lumber jacks in Canada”

Clearly sad, the foreigner asks “oh that a to bad, how my buddy do ? Did he get into Canada?”

Immigration officer says “oh yeah we let your buddy in he’s a pilot!”

The foreigner replies “oh no! I chop a da wood, he a pile-it!”

----------

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no one could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer.
Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet,
so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.
Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked,
"What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied,
"I work for the IRS."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 14, 2021, 10:29:53 AM
One dark night near Houston, a fire started inside a local chemical plant . . .
In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said,
"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief,
"What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Chuck, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that durned fire truck!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 14, 2021, 11:35:39 AM
Extra credit joke.
 ;)

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together" said the cameraman. Again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera" said the photographer. Yet again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US???? CAN I BE FIRST???"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 14, 2021, 02:01:22 PM
I was in a Night Club a few nights ago and this really ugly Woman came up and grabbed my butt!

She said, "Hey sexy! Can I give you my phone number?"

So I asked her, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied, "I sure do!"

I said, "Then get your butt back to it before the farmer comes looking for you!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on May 14, 2021, 02:05:46 PM
Jeff,

Those last two are really ...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 14, 2021, 02:48:36 PM
A young man with no arms and no legs dreamed of becoming a fireman.
His mother didn't have the heart to discourage him, even though she knew there was no way he could be a firefighter.

To her surprise, when she picked him up after his interview, he excitedly told her that they had taken him on, he was finally a real firefighter! His mother congratulated him, but thought to herself that it was impossible.

The next day, after dropping her son off at the station, she was dying to see how he did it, so she called 911 and reported a fire at their home address. She waited anxiously for the trucks to arrive, to see her son in action.

Sure enough, the truck came whizzing around the bend, with her son strapped to the top and happily yelling

*"WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO!!!"*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on May 15, 2021, 08:42:31 AM
You know when you are near an air gun addict when...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 16, 2021, 03:31:47 PM
It'sThursday, or as I like to call it day 4 of a hostage situation.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 16, 2021, 07:11:43 PM
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become
a great writer.

When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 17, 2021, 11:23:36 AM
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become
a great writer.

When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

Gary

While kinda funny for it's direct implication of the reaction to the to USA tax regulations, what I find funniest is that someone thinks the whole world reads IRS tax regulations.   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on May 17, 2021, 11:29:55 AM
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become
a great writer.

When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

Gary

While kinda funny for it's direct implication of the reaction to the to USA tax regulations, what I find funniest is that someone thinks the whole world reads IRS tax regulations.   ::)

What you mean you don't have all the regulations memorized by heart. :o ??? ;)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 17, 2021, 12:55:35 PM
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become
a great writer.

When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

Gary

While kinda funny for it's direct implication of the reaction to the to USA tax regulations, what I find funniest is that someone thinks the whole world reads IRS tax regulations.   ::)

What you mean you don't have all the regulations memorized by heart. :o ??? ;)

BD
All I know is what I'm gonna get back and what I might owe, but even that doesn't make sense sometimes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 17, 2021, 02:38:36 PM
What, the part about owing or what you get back?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on May 17, 2021, 03:11:32 PM
What is this "Get Back" you guys keep talking about?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 17, 2021, 03:21:44 PM
What is this "Get Back" you guys keep talking about?

It's the money they loaned to the gov interest free for the year through willingly over withholding or prepaid taxes.  ;)

It may be a good strategy for those that don't have the understanding or will power to save and prepare to pay at tax time. Of course paying in enough through the year to not be penalized is smart too.   
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on May 17, 2021, 09:14:47 PM
This is hilarious!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0x9iE_rozY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0x9iE_rozY)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 26, 2021, 11:06:23 AM
I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just
written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was
the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

********************************************

Teacher: If you have 10 muffins and your friend takes 2 of them, how many
muffins would you have left?

Me: 10

Teacher: Okay, let me try again. You have 10 muffins. What if your friend
takes 2 of your muffins, how many would you have left?

Me: Still 10 muffins... and 1 injured friend.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on May 26, 2021, 01:21:39 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/YQrJIj9.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on May 26, 2021, 01:25:26 PM
All grown up  ;D


(https://i.imgur.com/E0FESih.jpg?1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 26, 2021, 04:59:43 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/YQrJIj9.jpg)
My guess would be the use of a certain crystalline substance by all parties involved,  probably a little green stuff for the cats as well.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on May 26, 2021, 07:22:57 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/YQrJIj9.jpg)



let me guess... dancing to "Cat Scratch Fever"  by Ted Nugent?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on May 27, 2021, 09:39:53 PM
From a work buddy -

"there are two kinds of people in the world:  those who obsessively demand closure"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 28, 2021, 02:32:23 PM
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 28, 2021, 03:07:14 PM
^ Love it! ^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 28, 2021, 03:10:36 PM
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Gary
I'm one of the ones who doesn't,  but I can infer that 1 0 must mean 2.

I'm probably wrong though because I don't understand it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on May 28, 2021, 03:19:51 PM
There are two kinds of bicycle riders in this world:  Those that have fallen; and those that will fall.
I am in both groups.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 28, 2021, 03:44:35 PM
There are two kinds of bicycle riders in this world:  Those that have fallen; and those that will fall.
I am in both groups.

I never crashed a bicycle as an adult but did my share when I was a youth. The worst crash was when doing my paper route and my paper bags shifted on the handle bars, taking me straight into a big tree :-[. I had to finish the route on foot and then carry my bike home because the forks were bent back so far that it could not be ridden. I had a bad headache for the whole day too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 28, 2021, 03:58:35 PM
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Gary
I'm one of the ones who doesn't,  but I can infer that 1 0 must mean 2.

I'm probably wrong though because I don't understand it.

David, Binary code....
1 is "on" 0 is "off"
Or in other words...
1 is "yes" and 0 is "no"

But then I can't even spell DOS anymore.  :o)

Gosh it isn't so funny when you have to explain it.
Like many of my jokes I can't post here.
   ;D ;) ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on May 28, 2021, 06:12:35 PM
I thought 1 was for English.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 28, 2021, 06:24:10 PM
I thought 1 was for English.

LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 28, 2021, 06:32:06 PM
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Gary
I'm one of the ones who doesn't,  but I can infer that 1 0 must mean 2.

I'm probably wrong though because I don't understand it.

David, Binary code....
1 is "on" 0 is "off"
Or in other words...
1 is "yes" and 0 is "no"

But then I can't even spell DOS anymore.  :o)

Gosh it isn't so funny when you have to explain it.
Like many of my jokes I can't post here.
   ;D ;) ;D

But... you did spill DOS correct.  ::)
I will admit I don't remember much DOS syntax but I have manuals for DOS 4, 5, 6, and 6.22 if I ever what to.  :-\
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on May 28, 2021, 07:32:21 PM
Dos Equis?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 28, 2021, 09:42:02 PM
^Dat^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on May 29, 2021, 02:09:33 AM
I thought 1 was for English.

Soon to be for Español.

DOS were the days. I learned it back in the day when it was needed but I don't miss it now.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on May 29, 2021, 08:47:02 AM
I called my wife from work and told her I was thinking about the last time we made love and I was excited.
She said ....“Who is this?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 29, 2021, 04:46:38 PM

A professor, a construction worker, a biologist, and a doctor walk into a bar.

First the professor sighs. The bartender asks him what’s wrong. The professor says, “As you can see, I’m a professor of philosophy, and today I went in too deep.

I was in a lecture and was explaining a particularly deep philosophy. My student complained that I was going too far, but I kept going deeper and deeper. In the end, I went so deep that my student dropped the class!”

The construction worker hears that and scoffs.

He turns to the professor and says, “You call that a problem? Let me tell you a real man’s problem. As you can see, I am an excavation expert. I was working today and was digging a particularly deep hole.

My contractor complained that I was going too far, but I kept going deeper and deeper. In the end, I went so deep that I broke a pipeline!”

The biologist hears both of their stories and scoffs. He turns to the professor and the construction worker and says,
“You call that a problem? My problem was a matter of life and death! As you can see, I am a marine biologist.

I was scuba diving today and was making a particularly deep dive. My assistant said that I was going too far, but I kept going deeper and deeper. In the end, I went so deep that I nearly drowned!”

The doctor, who has been listening quietly this whole time, finally speaks up.
 “You call those problems? Let me tell you about one that is both a real man’s problem and a matter of life and death. As you can see, I’m a proctologist…”

-----------

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch.

Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.The Norwegian submarine crew gets another submarine as replacement and does the same mission. So of course the Swede swims down to the sub and knocks on the hatch. To the Swedes suprise the same Norwegian opens the hatch so that the submarine sinks once again.

The Norwegian crew gets one more submarine so that they can keep going with the mission. The Swede couldn’t retain himself so he went down to the sub and knocks on the hatch one more time.The Norwegian opens the hatch and says:-Haha I’m not falling for that again!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mr.P on June 02, 2021, 01:03:28 AM
today i heard Youtube, Twitter, and Facebook are all merging. They're going to call it You-Twit-Face.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 02, 2021, 10:03:54 AM
A pastor was doing his children's sermon with all the youngsters down front
to hear the lesson.

He was discussing the story of Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1
and 2: "And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah
was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed
to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord
out of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish,
and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10)

When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit input
from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He asked
thoughtfully, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to
us today?"

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire
congregation to hear, "It proves that even a fish can't stomach a bad
preacher!"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 03, 2021, 10:30:58 AM
The existence of Silly Putty indicates there is also a Serious Putty-the long name for C-4.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 03, 2021, 03:17:12 PM
missed it by this much
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 03, 2021, 03:23:09 PM
How many of us does this apply to?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on June 04, 2021, 12:22:39 AM
How many of us does this apply to?


You got that right Robert. >:(  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 04, 2021, 02:55:15 AM
How many of us does this apply to?

Guilty as charged, but to my defense I have 4 tool boxes full of tools from 50 year career as a mechanic. ;D ;D ::)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 04, 2021, 12:39:52 PM
How many of us does this apply to?

Guilty as charged, but to my defense I have 4 tool boxes full of tools from 50 year career as a mechanic. ;D ;D ::)

BD
But with you, you can't remember which drawer a tool is in where I can set one down for some reason and spend the next 15 minutes looking for the durn thing and of course it's the only tool that will do the job at that moment. 😜
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on June 04, 2021, 12:58:07 PM
The chart is missing a number of important items.   Time spent gazing at half finished projects.   Time fantasizing about the next car/bike mod.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 04, 2021, 01:05:09 PM
How many of us does this apply to?

Guilty as charged, but to my defense I have 4 tool boxes full of tools from 50 year career as a mechanic. ;D ;D ::)

BD
But with you, you can't remember which drawer a tool is in where I can set one down for some reason and spend the next 15 minutes looking for the durn thing and of course it's the only tool that will do the job at that moment. 😜

My dad taught me I have two hands so I could have two tools out at a time. That works pretty well for not loosing tools and avoiding messes too, but I have to admit I strayed some and modified the rule for myself with my tools. My when I set something down without paying attention to it that becomes a problem like you alluded to. The trick for me to avoiding that is making sure I think about everything I do. I speak silently to myself in my head, I just think remember I put this "______" here.
 
 If you complete a task before beginning another that helps a lot too. Distraction is the enemy of short term memory!

Just use your inner voice and don't carry on a conversation out loud, that would be crazy....  ;)

The other way to deal with it is to have multiples of all tools you use/need, LOL.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 04, 2021, 03:54:18 PM
Gremlins.... and they prefer a 10mm
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 04, 2021, 04:15:23 PM
How many of us does this apply to?

Guilty as charged, but to my defense I have 4 tool boxes full of tools from 50 year career as a mechanic. ;D ;D ::)

BD
But with you, you can't remember which drawer a tool is in where I can set one down for some reason and spend the next 15 minutes looking for the durn thing and of course it's the only tool that will do the job at that moment. 😜

Oh no I know exactly which drawer every tool is in in every tool box, its once I take it out to use it and lay it down I forget where I put it at cause I have just as many workbenches to lay it down on when doing the project I am involved in at any given time.

I have many multiples of lots of my tools and it does not help from loosing where they were last left. I talk to myself all the time I just forget to answer myself most times.

Gazing and fantasizing are SOP for any tool freak IMO.

Yea all vehicles since the mid 80s have gremlins that keep getting fed after midnight. ??? ;D ;D

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 04, 2021, 05:56:06 PM
How many of us does this apply to?

Guilty as charged, but to my defense I have 4 tool boxes full of tools from 50 year career as a mechanic. ;D ;D ::)

BD
But with you, you can't remember which drawer a tool is in where I can set one down for some reason and spend the next 15 minutes looking for the durn thing and of course it's the only tool that will do the job at that moment. 😜

Oh no I know exactly which drawer every tool is in in every tool box, its once I take it out to use it and lay it down I forget where I put it at cause I have just as many workbenches to lay it down on when doing the project I am involved in at any given time.

I have many multiples of lots of my tools and it does not help from loosing where they were last left. I talk to myself all the time I just forget to answer myself most times.

Gazing and fantasizing are SOP for any tool freak IMO.

Yea all vehicles since the mid 80s have gremlins that keep getting fed after midnight. ??? ;D ;D

BD

I may help delay finding out one is missing if you just put one everywhere you may need one, LOL.

I am glad to say I have only really lost a few tools in my life, I have misplaced more, that I found later on though.

 It is important to be a good listener when you are talking to yourself too!  ;) ;)  ;D

Gremlins were an ugly car right behind the Pacer, IMO.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on June 04, 2021, 06:03:33 PM
http://imgur.com/a/jYgbJqA (http://imgur.com/a/jYgbJqA)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 04, 2021, 10:28:31 PM
A daring night mission...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 04, 2021, 10:31:52 PM
Do not panic...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on June 05, 2021, 01:50:55 AM
Gremlins.... and they prefer a 10mm

I always thought that was odd being passed around online, then it happened to me last year and I realized there was actually truth to it. I lost a 10mm socket and I never lose sockets, then I broke a 10mm wrench too. What thuh...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on June 05, 2021, 02:14:07 AM
I have never been able to figure out the migratory habits of Allen wrenches.  The ones I want always seem to have moved on  :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 05, 2021, 02:51:52 AM
I may help delay finding out one is missing if you just put one everywhere you may need one, LOL.

I have tried that also but eventually I lay it down in the wrong place and forget where I left it. Its why I have multiples of many tools so there is always at least one in a tool box. ;D ;D

I have to do the same thing with reading glasses now as well but I seem to be better at keeping them in their proper places. ???

BD

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 05, 2021, 08:35:23 AM
In my case, it is pliers:  In 2019, my favorite pliers were nowhere to be found.  After several weeks of no luck finding them, I went to Lowe's and bought another pair.  That was maybe in June or July.  In late October, I got my 'warm coat' for an outing on a frosty morning and found my missing pliers in one of the pockets.
Now, my needle-nose pliers are missing.  And, NO, they are not in my 'warm coat' pocket. 
(I think they are in the kitchen island someplace from the repair job I did there during the Spring.  But I am not taking all that apart again just to look for the needle nose pliers.)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 05, 2021, 09:30:14 AM
Is this the "Joke" thread or the "tool" thread...
I am so confused...   ;)


A Guy walks into a bar and says...
"ouch"


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 05, 2021, 11:40:01 AM
Is this the "Joke" thread or the "tool" thread...
I am so confused...   ;)


A Guy walks into a bar and says..."my needle-nose pliers are missing." 


I fixed it.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 05, 2021, 11:41:10 AM
You made me LOL... Literally!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 05, 2021, 11:42:50 AM
Going full circle.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 05, 2021, 11:46:00 AM
Going full circle.

Where's the striker, I just had it five minutes ago.  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 05, 2021, 11:47:38 AM
HA HA HA HA!



A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox.
 He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 05, 2021, 12:00:27 PM
I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 05, 2021, 12:12:53 PM
I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

 ;)

You did awl right.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 05, 2021, 01:12:03 PM
I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

 ;)
   (https://media1.tenor.com/images/cbb5332b609d9e1bb484c5dc925a774d/tenor.gif)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 05, 2021, 01:40:23 PM
https://1funny.com/pepsi-max-test-drive-2
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on June 05, 2021, 02:04:32 PM
One of my all-time faves!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvgWmC4LVhY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvgWmC4LVhY)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 05, 2021, 04:12:12 PM
I really wanted to make an obscure joke about tools, but awl I could come up with was this one.

Nailed it.

 ;)
   (https://media1.tenor.com/images/cbb5332b609d9e1bb484c5dc925a774d/tenor.gif)

Thank you Jerry,
That is the EXACT response I was hoping for.   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 06, 2021, 01:44:15 AM
Is this the "Joke" thread or the "tool" thread...
I am so confused...   ;)

Joke was a success. :o

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 06, 2021, 01:55:31 AM
That is the EXACT response I was hoping for.   ;D

Oh I know.    :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on June 06, 2021, 09:41:13 PM
Is this the "Joke" thread or the "tool" thread...

Why not both:

Rich woman and her driver are out in the country. They get a flat tire, and of course the driver can't get the hubcap off. The woman searches the tool bag, and spies a tool that will help. "You want a screwdriver?" she asks.

"Might as well, I can't get this dang hubcap off." :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bduares on June 09, 2021, 01:55:26 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Artie on June 09, 2021, 04:05:24 PM
Powerline 856... now that's funny!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on June 09, 2021, 10:29:38 PM
True story!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 16, 2021, 02:56:44 PM
Just had to share this that I think is easy to relate to.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 19, 2021, 10:50:03 AM
Where is Privateer? I am in withdrawal.


I took my mother on a fishing excursion yesterday. Nobody was having any
luck. After drifting for hours without so much as a nibble, who should hook
into one but my Mom.
Everyone on the boat was excited, cheering the her on and telling her to
take her time.
Finally she lifted the fish into the boat, picked it up, removed the hook,
looked at it up and down, and then tossed it back into the water.
I was stunned. I said, "Mom, why did you throw that fish back into the
water?"
"I don't know. To me it just didn't look fresh."


---------------------------------------------------------------

I thought I saw a spider, but it was just piece of yarn. It's dead yarn now. Very dead.


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on June 20, 2021, 12:58:55 PM
Just had to share this that I think is easy to relate to.

Hilarious
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on June 20, 2021, 01:00:14 PM
What do you call a piece of furniture being compassionate and generous to the less fortunate?

Chairity.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 21, 2021, 12:16:13 PM
Funny vid

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dURP5JBytHg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dURP5JBytHg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on June 21, 2021, 12:29:34 PM
Funny vid

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 21, 2021, 01:11:21 PM
Recently, I read a story about GM's foray into the development of the first all-electric car. 
The short version:  Those cars made about 80 miles on a charge (early batteries).  They were leased to folks [not companies] who later reported that they loved them.  After some time, one of the states mandated that all auto manufacturers would be required to make and sell a certain percentage of their production (if they wanted to sell cars in that state.) [I won't mention that it was California.]  Eventually GM pulled the plug {pun intended} and called in all of the cars.  Most were destroyed; and the rest were donated to museums and colleges and universities.
That first electric car was a great success.  The batteries were the weak point and have since improved exponentially.
It is predicted that by 2035, all production automobiles will be electric powered.  Hummmm?
It doesn't matter to me what will power the cars in 2035 - I don't plan to drive after I turn 90 years old (in 2033).
Maybe this should be posted in a new thread titled "Facts are stranger than fiction!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 22, 2021, 02:12:26 AM
Nope no electric for me either, I am not sitting on top of 3000 c size batteries that can discharge 480 volts at 3000 amps and turn me to ashes in less than a micro second. If the batteries short there is no second chances.

Then again I plan to be cremated. ??? :o :o

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 22, 2021, 02:39:02 AM
No electric for me either, now when/if they can have the same range and travel convenience I would consider them as an option. By the time the whole country is set up and technology has gotten to the place where refills are as fast and as available as getting gas, I doubt I will be using a vehicle much by then though.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 22, 2021, 11:15:00 AM
Funny vid
Kinda like running out of gas... right?    :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 22, 2021, 12:54:11 PM
Funny vid
Kinda like running out of gas... right?    :o

Yea except you can carry a gas can to the car to get it home, not so easy to carry electricity to the EV car. ???

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on June 22, 2021, 04:51:04 PM
You could carry a generator in your trunk...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on June 22, 2021, 04:57:46 PM
You could carry a generator in your trunk...


Or cover the car in solar panels
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 22, 2021, 06:31:44 PM
You could carry a generator in your trunk...


Or cover the car in solar panels

Mount some wind mills on it, to keep it charged while moving.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 22, 2021, 08:36:09 PM
Well...

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
 Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
 Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
 Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Then...

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: no one stands up Teacher: Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.

Finally...

Little johnny was siting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life and ask him " little johnny how do you want your wife to be like" and he answered " like the moon" and the teacher said " that’s such a beautiful answer because it calm and peaceful " and little johnny said " no because it appears at night and disappears in the morning"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 22, 2021, 10:38:53 PM
You could carry a generator in your trunk...
https://youtu.be/AJytvfaczvY
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 23, 2021, 01:54:20 AM
You could carry a generator in your trunk...

Till it runs out of gas.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on June 23, 2021, 09:57:08 AM
Nobody said it was going to be easy.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on June 23, 2021, 09:59:34 AM
Nobody said it was going to be easy.

Ask these fellows for assistance:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCFsA0GKLx4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCFsA0GKLx4)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 23, 2021, 04:24:27 PM
Nobody said it was going to be easy.
If only it had 2 wheels and could be pedaled around.

What would they even call such a thing, a biwheeler or a duorider or something I guess.

Maybe a bicycle? Nah that name would never stick  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 23, 2021, 11:14:35 PM
A 'bicycle'?  Isn't that one of those frozen things the kids like to eat in the summertime?  <---Naw, that is a 'PopTart'.
Oh, I remember:  A bicycle is one of those modes of transportation that helps people get to the emergency room at the hospital FASTER.   :o :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 24, 2021, 02:04:18 AM
A 'bicycle'?  Isn't that one of those frozen things the kids like to eat in the summertime?  <---Naw, that is a 'PopTart'.
Oh, I remember:  A bicycle is one of those modes of transportation that helps people get to the emergency room at the hospital FASTER.   :o :o

Yea in the back of an ambulance for us old farts.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 24, 2021, 09:39:54 AM



Yea in the back of an ambulance for us old farts.

BD


Ick Jackaly!





Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on June 24, 2021, 12:21:34 PM
"Ride a bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live." - Mark Twain
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 25, 2021, 01:47:36 AM
I always remember as a kid riding against the flow of traffic so I could see the cars coming in my direction to be able to avoid getting hit by them. Then some unintelligent bureaucrat decides it must be safer to ride with the flow of traffic the same as other motorized vehicles. Now I spend more time looking behind me than where I am going waiting for that distracted or inebriated driver to run over me from behind.

So because I am old skoll I ride against the flow so at least I can prepare to die at my pace not the drivers. I do not trust what I cannot see and I was not born with eyes in the back of my head.

BD 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on June 25, 2021, 02:49:02 AM
I always remember as a kid riding against the flow of traffic so I could see the cars coming in my direction to be able to avoid getting hit by them. Then some unintelligent bureaucrat decides it must be safer to ride with the flow of traffic the same as other motorized vehicles. Now I spend more time looking behind me than where I am going waiting for that distracted or inebriated driver to run over me from behind.

So because I am old skoll I ride against the flow so at least I can prepare to die at my pace not the drivers. I do not trust what I cannot see and I was not born with eyes in the back of my head.

BD 
           
deleted
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 25, 2021, 04:05:38 AM
I always remember as a kid riding against the flow of traffic so I could see the cars coming in my direction to be able to avoid getting hit by them. Then some unintelligent bureaucrat decides it must be safer to ride with the flow of traffic the same as other motorized vehicles. Now I spend more time looking behind me than where I am going waiting for that distracted or inebriated driver to run over me from behind.

So because I am old skoll I ride against the flow so at least I can prepare to die at my pace not the drivers. I do not trust what I cannot see and I was not born with eyes in the back of my head.

BD
Even with a mirror on my bike I like to as well, theres not much traffic riding to the hardware store or post office in my little town but I always prefer to see any car coming.
Maybe some are better than others, but in my experience bike mirrors suk.
Sure you can see a car is coming,  but they look like they're about a mile away until the car is right on your tail.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on June 26, 2021, 02:26:35 AM
Yup bicycle mirrors suk for sure.

Mirrors on motorcycles are good since you have the power to get out of the way if needed, but on bicycles IMO they are worthless except to let you know its to late to get out of the way. 

Yep still ride my bike against the flow of traffic regardless of what the law says, I will take a ticket and be glad I am alive to be able to pay it.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 26, 2021, 11:19:53 AM
A local doctor cares for a family who owns a funeral home.
When the father came in for a visit, the doctor greeted him, "It's good to
see you."
His reply, "It's better to be seen than to be viewed.”


There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat.
"Martha," said Rosie to her best friend, "it was terrible what happened
yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake
was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it, with my
diet and all, but I couldn't help myself, it started with just a small
nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!"
"Oh my!" clucked Martha, "Was Bob really upset?"
"He never found out," responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, "I just
baked another cake and ate half of it!”
[Received from Good, Clean Funnies]

At a Catholic school, there was a "meet the teacher" open house for the 2nd
graders.
After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception
afterwards in the cafeteria.
All the children and parents filed in. On a table was a plate of apples, a
plate of cookies, some water bottles and juice.
As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on
the plate of apples that said, "Take only one. God is watching."
So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself,
and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote: "Take all you want." God is
watching the apples."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on June 26, 2021, 06:10:00 PM
Thanks for the jokes Gary, I was afraid we were running out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 27, 2021, 10:35:52 AM
I am, where is Privateer. He had a great run going.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 27, 2021, 12:52:01 PM
One day a man named pavel called the police and said my wife is trying to kill me, so they sent a couple of detectives to talk to him.

Officers : so why exactly do you believe your wife is trying to kill you.

Pavel : I was looking for a bottle of shampoo under the sink in the bathroom and I found a bottle of polish remover hidden in my wife's makeup kit  .

Every day a man would wake up and find his coffee cup full of plastic army men and eventually he decided to ask his son about it.

Son you wouldn't know why I keep finding these toys in my coffee mug would you ?
The son looks at him and says  the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bduares on June 27, 2021, 03:24:37 PM
A hunter who was an atheist was out in the woods during deer season when suddenly a 1,000-pound whitetail deer stepped out. "Good God!" exclaimed the hunter. Suddenly, a voice from Heaven said, "I thought you don't believe in me." The hunter replied, "Up until now I didn't believe in 1,000-pound deer either.

Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old timer. "You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said. The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods. At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on June 29, 2021, 09:51:50 AM
Yep
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on June 29, 2021, 07:39:49 PM
Not a joke, but laughable nonetheless...  :D
This is a real product; only thing is the designer must have watched too many cheap sci-fi shows...

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on July 01, 2021, 12:59:28 PM
A SWAT team was dispatched to the breakfast aisle at the supermarket; where a gunman opened fire-he was a cereal killer...

A man was arrested, and his hacksaw confiscated after he cut up calibrated weights-the charges were possession and use of a weapon of mass destruction....
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 01, 2021, 01:52:41 PM
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.
 Amazed, the bartender thinks, What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink. As he hands the martini over, the animal holds out a $20 bill. The bartender accepts the cash and decides to test his unusual customer’s intellect. He only gives the ape a dollar in change. The gorilla silently begins to sip his drink.
 “You know,” the bartender says, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 02, 2021, 07:35:36 PM
Grandma Still Drives ---Priceless
 Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
 Dear Granddaughter,
 The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
 I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.  It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
 I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!’ 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
  Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.  I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..
 I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
 I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.  He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
 Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.  Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!  A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
  I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
 So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.  I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
  Will write again soon,  Love, Grandma
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 03, 2021, 09:59:03 AM
Shared with my Mom and Daughters....
LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on July 03, 2021, 10:39:02 PM
Holiday Reminder -
The guys with 3 fingers and 1 eye sell the best fireworks
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on July 03, 2021, 11:32:37 PM
It has begun.

(https://i.imgur.com/bj31EMfm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on July 04, 2021, 02:29:24 AM
It has begun.

(https://i.imgur.com/bj31EMfm.jpg)

Yep alphabet soup on letters for all the different tracks it can make. Pick 4 letters and you can make your own projection.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 06, 2021, 10:29:05 AM
When you officially know you are truly "over the hill."

During a long day of looking around Cabela's, Bill, and a couple of his
friends stopped in at Hooter's for some hot wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of Bill's friends asked him which waitress he
would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

He told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators.”

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on July 07, 2021, 04:01:07 PM
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

(I did a search to see if this was ever posted, and it wasn't....I know it's an old one...)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 07, 2021, 04:09:38 PM
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

(I did a search to see if this was ever posted, and it wasn't....I know it's an old one...)

Three-legged dog walks into a bar, I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: DMR214 on July 07, 2021, 05:10:32 PM
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice.
Because it says CONCENTRATE.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 07, 2021, 05:27:53 PM
When you officially know you are truly "over the hill."

During a long day of looking around Cabela's, Bill, and a couple of his
friends stopped in at Hooter's for some hot wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of Bill's friends asked him which waitress he
would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

He told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators.”

Gary
Ok,,, this is too much....
My name is Bill.
A couple days ago my best friend (Betty Lou) and I went to Cabelas  (Bass Pro Shop) in Prattville, Al. The adjacent business just happened to be a Hooters. And, we did take the elevator to the 2nd floor at Cabelas..  ???

However... We ate at O'Charlie's. Our waiter's name was Nick and I hope he repairs elevators better than he waits tables... Maybe he should apply at Hooters... I understand that experience is not required there.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 07, 2021, 06:03:11 PM
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”

The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and untangles the twine at the top end..

He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Aren't you the rope that was just in here?””

The rope replies, ”Nope, I’m a frayed knot.



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 07, 2021, 07:40:31 PM
Skeleton walks into a bar.
Bartender says what will you have.
Skeleton says - a beer...... and a mop


Bacon and eggs walk into a bar
Bartender says - Hey, we don't serve breakfast

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 07, 2021, 08:29:54 PM
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”

His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!

AND THEN:

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??”

LASTLY I SWEAR:

A Panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, "Panda: A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 07, 2021, 08:43:36 PM
Guy goes in and sits at the bar. When he turns up his glass to finish his beer he notices a bunch of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why.
Well, anyone who can jump up and pull one down gets free drinks the rest of the night. Wanna try?
No thanks.
Why not?






The steaks are too high!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 07, 2021, 08:44:46 PM
Guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. Bartender, one for me and one for the road.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 07, 2021, 11:58:48 PM
I took the liberty of editing a previously told joke for our Canadian members  ;)

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Robertson ??”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 08, 2021, 08:58:37 AM
David, I had to google that one, which led me to Wikipedia.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_screw_drives#:~:text=A%20Robertson%2C%20also%20known%20as,socket%20have%20a%20slight%20taper.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 08, 2021, 10:07:47 AM
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says,
Is this stool taken?

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 08, 2021, 11:47:08 AM
We are still battling the COVID-19 and the next virus is here already. Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C. It appears to target those who were born between 1930 & 1970.


Symptoms:


Causes you:


1. To send the same message twice.
2. To send a blank message.
3. To send a message to the wrong person.
4. To send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. To forget to attach the attachment.
6. To hit SEND before you've finished.
7. To hit DELETE instead of SEND.
8. To SEND when you should DELETE.

It is called the C-NILE virus!


And if you cannot admit to doing the above, you have obviously caught the mutated strain — the D-NILE virus
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 08, 2021, 05:45:34 PM
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says,
Is this stool taken?

Gary

(https://data.pixiz.com/output/user/frame/preview/400x400/2/1/3/1/1721312_81628.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 08, 2021, 05:50:59 PM
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!!!
 She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 08, 2021, 05:51:10 PM
3 blondes walk into a bar...
You would think one of them would have seen it.

Yeah, I know.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 08, 2021, 06:00:52 PM
A magician is walking down the street and turns into a Magic store.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 08, 2021, 07:56:56 PM
Wonder if I posted these 3 already?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aww4HT5g7ig&t=215s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aww4HT5g7ig&t=215s)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 08, 2021, 11:16:35 PM
Speaking of ducks -
A woman walks into a bar with a duck on a leash.
Bartender says - nice pig
Woman says - it's not a pig, it's a duck.
Bartender - I was talking to the duck!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 09, 2021, 02:52:52 AM
3 blondes walk into a bar...
You would think one of them would have seen it.

Yeah, I know.

   (https://i.giphy.com/media/3o7TKAwfiJfUW85bKo/giphy.webp)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 09, 2021, 06:14:04 AM
News at 11:  Nun busted for lifting a fig leaf :) :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 10, 2021, 08:14:21 AM
Sent home from school.

Johnny : Dad I got sent home from school early today

Dad : what happened ?

Johnny: teacher asked what's 2×3, so I said 6

Dad: okay,  then what happened ?

Johnny: then she asked what's 3×2

Dad: what's the freakin' difference ?

Johnny: that's what I said
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 10, 2021, 12:10:20 PM
Marijana issue sent to joint committee.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 10, 2021, 12:11:46 PM
More?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 10, 2021, 12:18:12 PM
Add a little chlorine in the gene pool please.
 ::)  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 10, 2021, 12:21:01 PM
And they vote!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 10, 2021, 12:36:11 PM
And they vote BREED!

Fixed it for you.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 10, 2021, 02:26:55 PM
😂😂😂🔥🌆
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on July 11, 2021, 01:20:29 AM
And they vote BREED!

Fixed it for you.  ;)

A LOT. :o ::)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on July 11, 2021, 09:00:40 PM
I want a airplane but my wife Cessna.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 14, 2021, 12:49:29 AM
This joke hinges on "shrinks" using Rorschach tests to help them figure out how their patients' minds works:


Shrink:  I am going to draw abstract forms on this piece of paper. 
Immediately I lift the pen, tell me what the image reminds you of.
(shrink does random doodle, and lifts pen)


Patient: Sex


Shrink:  OK.  How about this one?
(shrink does another random doodle, and lifts pen)


Patient: Sex


Shrink:  OK.  What about this one?
(shrink does another completely different doodle, and lifts pen)


Patient: Sex



Shrink:  You seem to be obsessed with sex.


Patient:  What do you mean, I am obsessed with sex?  You are the one drawing the pictures.




I did consult with a mod about posting the joke.  Got the go-ahead.  If the forum software is OK with "sex", then it must be OK.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 14, 2021, 04:14:54 PM
I swear... every morning my Dog looks at me as if to say...
"WHY are you always urinating in my porcelain drinking bowl!
...and you don't even lick yourself clean afterwards?
You are one filthy animal!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 18, 2021, 11:53:30 AM
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 18, 2021, 12:05:03 PM
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)
I can't think of anything else they're good for  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 18, 2021, 12:31:32 PM
Up the creek without a paddle?  Use a SPRINGER! 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 18, 2021, 12:39:29 PM
Springers are made to handle cocking forces, and a huge jolt from firing.  PCPs are dainty and fragile by comparison, even when they have a ballistic advantage.

Where is the joke?

I see these fully automatic BB guns advertised. The ones that look like a Thompson machine gun. I wonder if these would ethically kill an iguana?

Like this one?  https://www.pyramydair.com/product/legends-m1a1-177-full-auto-blowback-co2-bb-gun?m=5125 (https://www.pyramydair.com/product/legends-m1a1-177-full-auto-blowback-co2-bb-gun?m=5125)

Somehow, at only 2 FPE per BB, I don't think that shooting even a burst of BBs is going to make up for the lack of penetration.  So, you will probably have to finish off the iguana by bashing in its head (if it does not run away). 

I don't think those snazzy Thompson SMG replicas are strong enough to use as a bludgeon, so you will need to use something more robust:

(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 18, 2021, 09:22:44 PM
SCAM WARNING!!!

At the corner of Broadway and Forth Avenue(one way street), there is a group of scantily clad women. While several of them attempt to "wash" your windshield(exposing themselves in the process) another one reaches into your open window or opens your back door and steals whatever is there. BE CAREFUL!!! Monday I lost a laptop, Tuesday a camera, Thursday two backpacks and today a sack of groceries.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 18, 2021, 09:40:42 PM
Springers are made to handle cocking forces, and a huge jolt from firing.  PCPs are dainty and fragile by comparison, even when they have a ballistic advantage.

Where is the joke?

I see these fully automatic BB guns advertised. The ones that look like a Thompson machine gun. I wonder if these would ethically kill an iguana?

Like this one?  https://www.pyramydair.com/product/legends-m1a1-177-full-auto-blowback-co2-bb-gun?m=5125 (https://www.pyramydair.com/product/legends-m1a1-177-full-auto-blowback-co2-bb-gun?m=5125)

Somehow, at only 2 FPE per BB, I don't think that shooting even a burst of BBs is going to make up for the lack of penetration.  So, you will probably have to finish off the iguana by bashing in its head (if it does not run away). 

I don't think those snazzy Thompson SMG replicas are strong enough to use as a bludgeon, so you will need to use something more robust:

(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)
Well I suppose it would be the suggestion that the average Springer is a large clunky club of a rifle.

At least you can use it as a club if for some reason you can't shoot it though, I'll bet the average PCP is a less effective club so if you forget your support equipment you're left with nothing  ;D
You can't shoot or bludgeon anything with it, the best you could do is brandish it at a squirrel and hope it has a heart attack.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 18, 2021, 11:52:57 PM
My Sumatra would put the hurt on someone if they got hit with it used like a bat.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 19, 2021, 02:05:51 AM
A terminal patient was given three month to live. 
He could not pay his bills, so his doctor gave him another three months.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 19, 2021, 01:02:47 PM
Mixing medications can often produce unexpected side-effects. 
This requires appropriate warning labels.







Sometimes mixing pills with candy can have similar effects. 
Here such a warning label:


(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=105224.0;attach=367355;image)






 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on July 19, 2021, 02:09:53 PM
HAHA! That one took a few seconds to "get"!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 19, 2021, 08:28:07 PM
HAHA! That one took a few seconds to "get"!
You're better than me 🧐
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on July 19, 2021, 08:29:21 PM
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)
I can't think of anything else they're good for  ;)

Same name, same view on springers, could we be twins?  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 20, 2021, 02:44:20 AM
Bookworms bridge the gap between entomology and etymology
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 20, 2021, 06:32:35 AM
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=189349.0;attach=367104;image)
I can't think of anything else they're good for  ;)

Same name, same view on springers, could we be twins?  ;)
Not likely  ;)
I'm a vintage pumper kinda guy who's never even handled a PCP, nothing against them but I prefer my pumpers.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 20, 2021, 01:01:50 PM
Did you hear the one about the old Marine veteran who asked the
Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq?

Of course the Commandant refused, and told the old Marine he had served
his time in combat and should relax and enjoy his golden years.

The 'ole Gunny wasn't at all pleased, so he wrote the Secretary of the
Navy with the same request. Back came the reply for him to enjoy his
golden years, because Iraq was a young Marine's war and there was no
place for him.

That really ****ed him off, so he wrote his congressman a long, heart
wrenching letter explaining in great detail just why he felt he should
be returned to active duty.

Back came the reply almost word for word, the same as the SecNav
response.......

The 'ole Gunny was livid.
He went down to the beach in Norfolk, VA and bought a rowboat, and
vowing to get to Iraq one way or the other, he set out rowing his boat
and singing the Marine Hymn...." From the Halls of Montezuma to the
shores of Tripoli "
........... and off he rowed for Iraq

Saint Peter had been watching this grizzled 'ole Gunny all the while,
and was at first amused by it all but had grown increasingly concerned
as the Gunny displayed his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter
finally turned to God for advice on how to deal with this Gung Ho Gunny.

After hearing the saga unfold, God advised Saint Peter to be merciful
and take the Gunny's brain, since that was the center of thought, and he
would simply abandon the idea about getting to Iraq.

Now, having taken God's advice and removing the Gunny's brain, St.
Peter observed little if any change in the Gunny's behavior. He
continued to row his boat and sing at the top of his voice "From the
Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli , we will ".......

A little frustrated at the lack of results of his efforts, St. Peter
turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?"

God said, "Well OK, take his heart, because not even a Marine can
function without a heart. So, that should end it."

But when St. Peter had completed his task, and removed the Gunny's
heart, he was again amazed that little if any change could be observed
in the Gunny's behavior as he continued to row his boat and sing "From
the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, we will fight our
country's battles...."
at-the-top-of-his-voice.

Once again, St. Peter asked God for assistance with this unusual
situation for which there seemed to be no solution.

This time God responded by suggesting that St. Peter should remove the
Marine's testicles, since it's a well known fact that Marines can't
function without their testicles. Otherwise, what would be the reason
for Marines having the world wide reputation of having the balls to do
the impossible?

Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the
'ole Gunny's balls.

Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains
and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing,

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on July 20, 2021, 03:25:22 PM
Can't wait to read the responses to that one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 20, 2021, 04:05:45 PM
You know what ParaTroopers call the Air Force?
Uber drivers.
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on July 20, 2021, 04:50:17 PM

.....Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the
'ole Gunny's balls.

Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains
and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing,

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."

Bwaaaaashhhhhhaaaaa!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 20, 2021, 08:50:35 PM
Quote
Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains
and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing,

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."

OH YOU DAWG!!!!

OK fine....


You know why you can't call Marines "Jar Heads" any more?
They found out you can put things in a jar.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 21, 2021, 09:57:28 AM
Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic
or tactical problem.
They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a
difficult tactical problem into it.
They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the
pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them
submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

********************************************************************
Dearest Lauren,

I'm so sorry for the things I said. I've been unable to sleep since I broke
off our relationship last month. I think about you day and night. Your
absence is breaking my heart and recently I've begun to realize that nobody
can take your place. Sweetheart, I miss you so much. Please call me.

All my love,

Robert

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball Lottery!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 21, 2021, 10:37:43 AM

Well, Gary; do you know the principle of military intelligence?

If we don't know what we are doing, the enemy can't possibly know :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 21, 2021, 12:53:25 PM
Hey hey hey, I was in military intelligence! We knew what the chicoms messages said before the units receiving them did. But after all,all I did was repair and maintain their equipment.😗
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on July 21, 2021, 07:44:52 PM
I always heard that Military Intelligence was an oxymoron.   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on July 21, 2021, 09:09:46 PM
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “What’s bothering you, Mary, my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “He did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? “
She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that gun.’”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 21, 2021, 09:19:49 PM
Great one Jim!

A Cat walks into a Bar.
The Bartender says "What ya have?"
The Cat says "Shot of rum"

The Bartender pours the shotglass full of rum.
The Cat slowly pushes it off the bar onto the floor and says...
 "another".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on July 21, 2021, 10:47:45 PM
Great one Jim!

A Cat walks into a Bar.
The Bartender says "What ya have?"
The Cat says "Shot of rum"

The Bartender pours the shotglass full of rum.
The Cat slowly pushes it off the bar onto the floor and says...
 "another".

[chuckling]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 22, 2021, 10:23:04 AM
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “What’s bothering you, Mary, my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “He did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? “
She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that gun.’”


No matter how hard you push the envelope,
it is still stationary.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 22, 2021, 06:19:39 PM
Auto-correct walks into a bar.
The Bartender says "What'd ya have?"
Auto-correct says "I'll have a Bear... a Boar... a Bare... a Briar...Bloke."
The Bartender is confused.
Auto-correct replies. "Never mind... gimme a shot of whiskery...Whiskers... I mean Whiskey".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 23, 2021, 10:01:09 AM
Two Mafia hitmen were walking through a forrest in the middle of the night.
One said, I hate to say it but I am a little bit scarred out here.
The other says, your sacred, I am going have to walk back to the car by myself.



I  told my doctor I was hearing a buzzing in my ear.
He said it was just a bug going around.


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on July 24, 2021, 07:42:16 PM
Okay guys...i don't usually like fart jokes, and rarely bother to read them, but this had me rolling.

Lol :D



The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny
BY ANNA LIND THOMASMARCH 22, 2018VIRAL ESSAYS0
THE FART THAT (ALMOST)
ALTERED MY DESTINY
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized …

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “Am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a “Is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in *(&^?” sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it!  UNLOCK IT!”

“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of my dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”

“Get away from the door!” I screamed like Reagan from The Exorcist.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re …”

“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 24, 2021, 07:57:02 PM
https://youtu.be/epjrWjo9ZMY
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: lizzie on July 24, 2021, 08:06:28 PM
Haha 😆
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Chris USA on July 24, 2021, 08:13:26 PM
Not bad Lizzie. Somewhere in there is a lesson about a man knowing his priorities,.... I guess?    ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 25, 2021, 10:14:37 AM
The World Health Organization released a statement saying any dogs in quarantine for COVID should be released.
Yes, WHO let the dogs out.


That awkward moment when a zombie searching for brains walks right past you.


I saw a documentary on cheese last night.
 It was G-rated.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 25, 2021, 02:46:30 PM
(http://britjokes.altervista.org/images/fartingbeer.gif)

Now, that's what I call a fart!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on July 25, 2021, 05:49:23 PM
https://www.reddit.com/r/airguns/comments/orhs09/still_cant_believe_will_shaner_took_home_the_gold/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 (https://www.reddit.com/r/airguns/comments/orhs09/still_cant_believe_will_shaner_took_home_the_gold/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on July 25, 2021, 06:28:28 PM
I have mastered the art of letting a fart come out as a burp, but the odor stays the same, too bad  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on July 25, 2021, 06:44:45 PM
That may explain your breathe.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on July 25, 2021, 06:53:44 PM
That may explain your breathe.  ;)

For that, I always keep a lighter for my fire-breathing act  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on July 26, 2021, 01:16:18 AM
As teenagers camping out on the islands we had fart lighting contests and quickly found out you did not want to leave your underwear on when lighting farts. The underwear trapped the flammable gas inside the underwear and loss of anal hair was common and painful. ;D ;D ??? :o   We had some real blow torches amongst us.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on July 26, 2021, 01:17:54 AM
I don't fart, but I have butt belched.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on July 26, 2021, 01:40:58 AM
Now your just being polite. ;D ;D

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 26, 2021, 10:09:39 AM
Did you hear about the Target store that blew up?
There were casual tee's everywhere.


Or the town where pot was legal but alcohol was banned?
Yes, they were left high and dry.


Meanwhile just up the road the towns only police car was found sitting on blocks with the wheels missing.
Police are working tirelessly to locate the thief.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 26, 2021, 02:32:06 PM
Someone has been going around starting parked cars at random.

The police suspect a crank.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 26, 2021, 02:33:15 PM
Someone stole all the toilet seats from the local precinct.

The police have nothing to go on.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on July 26, 2021, 08:28:54 PM
 A woman takes a lover home during the day

 while her husband is at work.

 Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'

Boy: '$750'

 Man: 'Sold.'
 
 A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
Confessional booth and closes the door...

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that &%$# again..."

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: FelixS on July 26, 2021, 11:51:44 PM
This is my last gun...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 27, 2021, 06:09:16 PM
I got into a bit of trouble today.

I was in an elevator when this "well endowed" lady came in.
My attention was ... focused.

Then she said "Please press one".......


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 27, 2021, 06:17:45 PM
Jeff,

That is the kind of situation that is going to make a whole courtroom full of people laugh hysterically.

******************************************************************

It is a bit like the defendant and plaintiff being asked to describe what was said during the same encounter:

Defendant:  She said, "don't stop".

Plaintiff:   I said, "don't; stop".

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on July 27, 2021, 07:13:39 PM
I've heard that joke. The ending can't be repeated on this family forum.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on July 27, 2021, 11:03:53 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/200906835_2004840916349021_2028616250216129220_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=9267fe&_nc_ohc=EGINozFE4HQAX_KbdXz&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=f570ff7675929d588e4685f2ab23b81f&oe=61262B86)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 27, 2021, 11:23:59 PM
Oldie but goody

https://youtu.be/H-K2DZojWi0
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 28, 2021, 03:09:14 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/200906835_2004840916349021_2028616250216129220_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=9267fe&_nc_ohc=EGINozFE4HQAX_KbdXz&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=f570ff7675929d588e4685f2ab23b81f&oe=61262B86)
👍
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Gone Fishing on July 28, 2021, 03:24:10 PM
What isa typo on a gravestone?
A grave mistake
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 28, 2021, 11:10:18 PM
Not me, I promise
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 29, 2021, 02:01:19 AM
^^^  Good one Ken.   ^^^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 29, 2021, 09:54:48 AM
Ken, I didn't see that coming!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 29, 2021, 01:28:19 PM
BWA_HA_HA!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 29, 2021, 04:29:49 PM
Well, had he told her to say hi to Valerie, the baker's daughter, he would have never had to go again.
Man, ya really gotta think these things through.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on July 31, 2021, 12:39:14 PM
Hmmm. My wife uses Tide
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 31, 2021, 12:44:09 PM
I just checked -- There is NO Tide in this house.  P H E W!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 31, 2021, 03:21:41 PM
I just checked -- There is NO Tide in this house.  P H E W!

You Tide checkers need to see how much life insurance your spouse has taken out on you.  Motive, means and opportunity.  Of these, motive matters most  :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 31, 2021, 08:57:48 PM
Just checked...OH NUTZ!... I am doomed.

 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on August 01, 2021, 02:06:45 AM
No tide in my house, but the wife drinks wine. Note to self, do not belittle for stains on her blouse.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 01, 2021, 02:24:06 AM
You don't want to find yourself near a murder scene.  Or on a prank call about a murder scene:

(Some edgy language)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOvXxnSEQKY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOvXxnSEQKY)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 01, 2021, 02:45:25 AM
(No naughty words)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH-LmkLFJg0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH-LmkLFJg0)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 01, 2021, 02:59:21 AM
Getting back to the Tide joke:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohQCAFNrU60 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohQCAFNrU60)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 01, 2021, 01:38:35 PM
You don't want to find yourself near a murder scene.  Or on a prank call about a murder scene:

(Some edgy language)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOvXxnSEQKY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOvXxnSEQKY)
That had laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.🤣😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on August 02, 2021, 03:37:13 PM
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied "no"

She responded,
"How about now?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 02, 2021, 06:47:13 PM
I got two Dobermans named Timex and Rolex...
They're watch dogs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 02, 2021, 07:27:30 PM
"How about now?"

Gives me flashbacks of The Witches of Eastwick  :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 02, 2021, 09:31:19 PM
Allow me
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 03, 2021, 02:34:26 AM
I got two Dobermans named Timex and Rolex...
They're watch dogs.

    (https://media0.giphy.com/media/kaq6GnxDlJaBq/giphy.gif?cid=790b7611d0918c104d9bf9bd3cee74f0c434cbd91bf2638a&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 10, 2021, 10:29:20 AM
Cross Fit?
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch.
I call it lunch.

I just googled "how to start a fire' and got 375,000+ matches.

Scientists combined the DNA of sheep, humming bird and beetle, creating a baahumbug.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 10, 2021, 10:31:13 AM
If Shelly Long married Martin Short would their child be a medium?
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 10, 2021, 09:41:26 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/s600x600/233629980_4230085153741918_5047945823466323417_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=1-4&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=PZ9GN60dtrIAX8TNWGU&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=1ae2766ecfb4934136a65b124d041337&oe=61182666)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 10, 2021, 10:27:35 PM
Kris, I figure it this way:
When you get home, you don't need to shower and you clothes are already washed.  BIG water savings!   ::)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on August 11, 2021, 10:05:41 AM
Borrow some from the folks in NYC.  Seems they break them out even when it snows. Never could figure that out. ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 11, 2021, 10:35:56 AM
There are two umbrellas in our car.  My Judy is so sweet that she would melt if she got caught in a sudden rain shower.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 11, 2021, 11:19:38 AM
Thanks guys, I rather just take a bath and not become a lightning rod.  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 11, 2021, 12:09:53 PM
Kris, I figure it this way:
When you get home, you don't need to shower and you clothes are already washed.  BIG water savings!   ::)


Funny thing, when I was stationed in Okinawa when it rained it didn't bother me as the rain and the air were the same temperature,warm. It was like taking a shower as you walked to where you needed to be. Beat the heck out of the 99 percent humidity and 100 degree temperature.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 12, 2021, 09:59:26 PM
Wife came in the kitchen to see me staring at my breakfast.
She asked me what I was doing so I told her....

If you really think about it
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on August 12, 2021, 10:24:49 PM
My 1st wife used to drive a Pinto. God rest her soul.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bduares on August 13, 2021, 09:34:55 AM
My 1st wife used to drive a Pinto. God rest her soul.

The front half of a Pinto was great. That little engine still powers hundreds of kit cars after nearly 50 years without any problems. The back half though...was a bit too "gassy"...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 13, 2021, 09:48:42 AM
With the Pinto you had the choice of keeping the gas half full & getting blown up or keeping the tank full and getting burned up.   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bduares on August 13, 2021, 10:08:26 AM
With the Pinto you had the choice of keeping the gas half full & getting blown up or keeping the tank full and getting burned up.   ;)

I remember the jokes about terrorists buying Pintos to drive backwards at their intended targets
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 13, 2021, 10:52:15 AM
A woman caught her son chewing on electrical cords.
She grounded him,
He is currently doing better
and conducting himself properly,
she is glad she didn't blow a fuse,
and have a battery of tests done on him,
she just hopes he does not get amped up again.


Did you hear about the two hillbillies who had Himalayan rabbit for supper,
they found himalayan in the road.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 14, 2021, 10:09:06 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 15, 2021, 10:14:03 AM
:o
Just imagine what might have happened it was a timex with indiglo.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 15, 2021, 10:39:31 AM
I was going through the house singing the Monkeys "I'n a Believer".
My wife told me to stop it.
I thought she was kidding.
Then I saw her face...
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 15, 2021, 11:02:56 AM
Only those of a certain age group can appreciate that one Gary.
NICE!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on August 15, 2021, 11:16:46 AM
Yeah, I actually had to run the lyrics through my mind before it made sense (and even then I groaned - which I'm sure was the intent).  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on August 15, 2021, 02:56:41 PM
Only those of a certain age group can appreciate that one Gary.
NICE!



Yup, also remember Mike Nesmith "playing his tie" in one video.....he was supposed to be strumming his guitar...... ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 15, 2021, 03:35:22 PM
Only those of a certain age group can appreciate that one Gary.
NICE!
I think many younger people these days probably do know the song, but likely from cover by smashmouth that was featured in Shrek .

I think I was familiar with the original before I saw Shrek at the theater,  but the cover by smashmouth is probably the version that stands out to me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 15, 2021, 07:15:50 PM
I was going through the house singing the Monkeys "I'n a Believer".
My wife told me to stop it.
I thought she was kidding.
Then I saw her face...
Gary

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wB9YIsKIEbA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wB9YIsKIEbA)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 15, 2021, 07:46:03 PM
It's that time of year!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on August 15, 2021, 08:05:31 PM
It's that time of year!!!

 My wife came home with Pumpkin Spice Cheerios. :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 15, 2021, 08:30:43 PM
I wonder if they sell these with garlic infusion?

Some company makes them with silver and copper to ward off bugs, so why not garlic?

(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=105224.0;attach=370493;image)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on August 15, 2021, 09:01:31 PM
I think bacon scented would be a best seller....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 15, 2021, 09:10:23 PM
I think bacon scented would be a best seller....

If you don't mind dogs following you :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdwjQIp8lCo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdwjQIp8lCo)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 15, 2021, 09:46:10 PM
Mmmm BACON!


 when I die i want the crematory to wrap me in bacon before firering up the furnace.  This way passerbys will smell it and stop in.  It will look as if I was well liked. 🥓😵🥓
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 15, 2021, 10:14:29 PM
Mmmm BACON!


 when I die i want the crematory to wrap me in bacon before firering up the furnace.  This way passerbys will smell it and stop in.  It will look as if I was well liked. 🥓😵🥓

I want him to fill mine with popcorn!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 15, 2021, 10:33:12 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/VqG69SD.jpeg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 16, 2021, 02:00:55 AM
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=161971.0;attach=282626;image)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on August 16, 2021, 09:02:28 AM
I think it was Jim Gaffigan that said "the only way to make bacon better is to wrap it in more bacon."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 16, 2021, 10:32:48 AM
 8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 16, 2021, 10:55:22 AM
A recent study shows the effects of alcohol on a persons walking can be staggering.




My suitcases found out I cancelled my vacation this year,
Now I have to deal with the emotional baggage.



There are two rules for success.
 1. Never tell/share everything you know.


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 16, 2021, 07:01:51 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 16, 2021, 07:02:19 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on August 16, 2021, 11:28:36 PM
8)

Great now I have to tuck my nuts in my socks. :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 17, 2021, 01:18:52 PM
Nurses love red crayons because sometimes the have to draw blood.

Did you know the word nothing is a palindrome?
Spelled backwards it is gnihton which also means nothing.

There is going to be an ABBA and Elvis Costello concert.
No word yet about who's on first.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 18, 2021, 05:33:24 PM
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO’S ‘WHO’S ON FIRST’ ……Covid vaccine version.

Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.
Bud: ‘Ok.’
Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’
Bud: ‘Third base.’
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 18, 2021, 06:39:51 PM
 oops
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 18, 2021, 07:40:01 PM
Dan, that is exactly how stupid this whole Covid vaccination thing sounds. Only follow the science when it's what you want the science to say. Even then they contradict themselves.   ::)  A good spin on the Abbot & Costello routine.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 18, 2021, 07:47:39 PM
 :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 18, 2021, 07:47:54 PM
Dan, that is exactly how stupid this whole Covid vaccination thing sounds. Only follow the science when it's what you want the science to say. Even then they contradict themselves.   ::)  A good spin on the Abbot & Costello routine.

It was posted without an author credit, I just copied/pasted it. I think it hits the nail on the head.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 20, 2021, 10:22:23 AM
My neighbors child swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
She says he has been having constant vowel movements
and the next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.



A friend told me one of the saddest things he ever saw was a blind man at a nude beach.
I ask him how he could know the man was blind.
He said it wasn't hard.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bduares on August 20, 2021, 12:33:35 PM
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 20, 2021, 12:44:39 PM
Please keep politics out of this thread guys. We don't want this thread to get locked.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bduares on August 20, 2021, 01:00:41 PM
A group of men went down to Cancun for a bachelor party and were put up in a hotel. One of them liked to go running early in the morning so before dawn, while the others were asleep, he got up and went for his usual run. He realized he had forgotten his watch, and he wanted to get back before the others were up and leaving.

He spotted an old man sitting on a bench next to an old donkey. "Old man! Do you know what time it is?"

The old man reaches over, lifts up the donkey's naughty bits, and says "It is 7 o'clock"

The runner is amazed! He thinks he has to tell the guys back at the hotel about this! He runs back to the hotel and wakes his friends up.

"You won't believe this! There is an old guy down the road who can tell time by feeling on a donkey's naughty bits!"

His friends tell him he is full of it, and he is adamant that it is true, so they get up, get dressed and follow him down the road. They find the old man on the bench still sitting next to the donkey.

"Old man, do you know what time it is now?" the runner asks. Again, the old man reaches over, lifts up the donkey's naughty bits, and declares " it is 8:15 senor". The men check their watches, and find that indeed it is 8:15! Amazing! They rapidly think that they could make some money if they could learn this skill.

"Old man, please, tell us how you can tell time by feeling on the donkey's naughty bits!"

The old man smiles and says, "But it is easy! Look!" I just lift up the donkey's naughty bits like this"... and the men watch closely...

"and you see that clock way over there on the tower?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 20, 2021, 01:04:40 PM
Please keep this thread on Jokes...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 20, 2021, 01:11:40 PM
Sorry fellas, not here, not today.
We can remove posts all day but eventually it's gonna get old and further actions will be taken.
Read and follow forum rules or step aside and let others enjoy what they come to this forum for.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 20, 2021, 01:12:32 PM
Teacher: “Juan, please spell ANGINA.”

Juan: “Ma’am, can I just use the other word for it that starts a P?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 20, 2021, 01:13:22 PM
BTW... Someone stool my dog and left me with this junky Camaro.


<---------
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bduares on August 20, 2021, 01:15:43 PM
A Cannibal is walking in the jungle toward his village.

Soon, a second cannibal joins him on the road. The first cannibal says to the second, “Hi, How’re you doing?”

The second cannibal says, “Not so good. My stomach has been upset for the past few days.”

The first cannibal replies, “Well, what’ve you been eating?”

The second cannibal says, “Oh, you know, the usual. Missionaries.

How are you cooking them?

We put them in a big pot of boiling water with carrots and peas and make a stew

Sounds about right. What do these missionaries look like?

You know, long brown robes with hoods, big bald spot on top, rope belts and sandals on their feet.

The first cannibal replies, “Well there’s your problem right there. You’re cooking them wrong.”

The second cannibal replies, “What do you mean I’m cooking them wrong?”

You've been boiling them. Those are Friars.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 20, 2021, 02:10:20 PM
Palm face 😬
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 20, 2021, 02:13:36 PM
Quote
Those are Friars.

I LIKE IT!!!


Two Cannibals are eating a Clown,
One turns to the other and says...
"Does this taste funny to you?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 20, 2021, 02:15:43 PM
I knew a guy who had an irrational fear of overly intricate clusters of commercial buildings.

He had a complex, complex, complex.


So, death isn't actually the most common fear...
... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.


Double standards are the worst.
I mean, one flag is enough.


Professor of linguistics
A professor of linguistics was giving a lecture about double negatives he " in some languages double negative means positive but in others double negative means still means negative , but there is no such thing as double positive meaning negative"

A student from the back was heard shouting "yeah right"


I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes.
I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.


By the year 2021, the word "Silly" will be considered Harmful.
It will be replaced by "Seriously Challenged."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 20, 2021, 02:19:18 PM
So,why did the cell phone wear glasses?🧐 Because it had lost all it's contacts.😗
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 20, 2021, 02:19:59 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on August 20, 2021, 03:06:42 PM
I've learned that relationships are like algebra.
Ever look at your x and wonder y?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 20, 2021, 03:23:40 PM
 :-X

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 20, 2021, 06:39:00 PM
Oh that Jamm’n Jenny. Who will you turn to?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 21, 2021, 06:29:06 AM
:-X
I read that there was actually a business somewhere that payed a million bux for that phone number.

And there have been many homes unfortunate enough to have that phone number over the years, but apparently the worst time to have it was back when that song was topping the charts.

If I had that number I probably would have took my phone out back and shot it within a week.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 21, 2021, 12:50:06 PM
Did you hear about the farmer that was run over by his equipment.
It was a harrowing experience.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 21, 2021, 01:50:02 PM
OK Gary, I like your style...

My boss asked for a horse, and I brought him a mule...
He said my work was half-assed.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 22, 2021, 10:58:36 AM
This is probably a repeat but...

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 22, 2021, 04:27:33 PM
Two turkeys are looking at the sky at dusk and one asks the other:
"Do you believe in life after Thanksgiving?“
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 22, 2021, 06:51:48 PM
Some mornings I wake up grumpy,
.
.
.
.
.
.
Other mornings I just let her sleep. ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 22, 2021, 07:54:54 PM
Hee Hee Hee. oh my.
Hee hee hee.
that right there is FUNNY!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Gone Fishing on August 22, 2021, 08:59:43 PM
:-X 8675309

This is funny
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 22, 2021, 09:18:27 PM
 :-*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 24, 2021, 10:45:32 AM
Were you surprised when you found out the word 'gullible' upside down looks like a cat?


What ever you do always donate 100%,
Unless you are donating blood.


Did you know there is a medical term for owning too many dogs?
A Roverdose.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 24, 2021, 10:37:52 PM
150% of statistics are made up.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 25, 2021, 11:21:21 AM
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a train.
The engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

We can shoot your wife,
frame your mother in law
and hang them too.
Ad for a photo shop.

'That's good enough' was first said by the Greek philosopher Mediocraties.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 26, 2021, 03:43:33 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/234718221_10159851294401289_7079298650755799455_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=TYkQvR_LYkkAX8URRvO&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=7815a3d83dd57e4cdd5b82a85925bf2b&oe=614BCBFE)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 26, 2021, 06:36:25 PM
A-MEN Sister!

Hips, Knees, Ankles, or Shoulders?

Right shoulder is currently in the lead...
I really "f'ed" it up 3 weeks ago and am still paying the price.
 I can finally raise it over my head without assistance from my left arm. :-[
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 26, 2021, 06:57:18 PM
My game show is - Which part of my body AIN'T going to hurt today!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 26, 2021, 08:38:55 PM
When you get old everything hurts.  Anything that doesn't hurt, doesn't work anymore...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 26, 2021, 09:23:02 PM
The adult human body has around 210 bones.  Each day, about 200 of my bones ache.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 26, 2021, 09:34:22 PM
The adult human body has around 210 bones.  Each day, about 200 of my bones ache.

Half my lifetime ago a colleague said, "if you are over 40 and wake up without pain, you know you are dead".   

Not sure he was completely right, but my bed seems to have a bunch of hard lumps in it that are difficult to avoid.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 26, 2021, 09:58:47 PM
Time for a new mattress!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 26, 2021, 10:20:12 PM
Time for a new mattress!

I think you are right.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 27, 2021, 11:47:13 AM
My game show is - Which part of my body AIN'T going to hurt today!!
LOL.... mine is 'which is going to hurt worse'?
During the inventory yesterday I thought my hips were just going to quit on me leaving me stranded in one spot.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Gone Fishing on August 27, 2021, 11:52:57 AM
I have intercostal nerve damage on my ribs. I've tried different mattresses but I think I know what I need to sleep on now to make it feel better. Money. If I slept on a million bucks as a bed, a literal pile of money, I think, probably, that I will not feel my pain so much.


Second best: this green tea foam mattress I picked up is pretty nice.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on August 27, 2021, 11:53:38 AM
Bill, you should have gone to Walmart and borrowed one of these.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 27, 2021, 11:57:34 AM
Since age is the current subject I'll share a funny thing from years ago.

My EX brother in-law worked for the phone company and was outdoors mostly in the sun all the time.

We had my sister in-law and him over for dinner when he turned 40 and I ask him if he felt any different being 40. He answered that he did not feel any different, to which my sister in-law quickly responded "I think you feel more like leather now".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Gone Fishing on August 27, 2021, 12:01:49 PM
Since age is the current subject I'll share a funny thing from years ago.

My EX brother in-law worked for the phone company and was outdoors mostly in the sun all the time.

We had my sister in-law and him over for dinner when he turned 40 and I ask him if he felt any different being 40. He answered that he did not feel any different, to which my sister in-law quickly responded "I think you feel more like leather now".
Brutal. My wife says stuff like that. Funny lass.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 27, 2021, 12:05:15 PM
Bill, you should have gone to Walmart and borrowed one of these.
Killer left a very large, very new power chair at the house when he went into the nursing home. It's still mostly in the original plastic wrap.... I keep eyeballing it...  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on August 27, 2021, 04:56:39 PM
Maybe "Old guys and their injuries" could be a separate thread.      There would have to be rules like "no general aches and pains".   Not sure if the server has sufficient capacity.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 27, 2021, 07:26:25 PM
"I think you feel more like leather now".

I hope he had a thick skin against nasty comments like that.  :)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on August 27, 2021, 08:53:39 PM
Just read this on another forum:
Why is 'dark' spelled with a 'K' and not a 'C'?
Because you can't see in the dark...
 ;D
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on August 28, 2021, 02:19:07 AM
I have intercostal nerve damage on my ribs. I've tried different mattresses but I think I know what I need to sleep on now to make it feel better. Money. If I slept on a million bucks as a bed, a literal pile of money, I think, probably, that I will not feel my pain so much.


Second best: this green tea foam mattress I picked up is pretty nice.

My wife has costochrondritis ( inflammation of the cartilage connecting the ribs to the sternum ) on her left side that can flare up at any time. She says it feel like she is having a heart attack but her heart doc say everything is ok. Getting old aint for sissies.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Gone Fishing on August 28, 2021, 03:23:07 AM
I have intercostal nerve damage on my ribs. I've tried different mattresses but I think I know what I need to sleep on now to make it feel better. Money. If I slept on a million bucks as a bed, a literal pile of money, I think, probably, that I will not feel my pain so much.


Second best: this green tea foam mattress I picked up is pretty nice.

My wife has costochrondritis ( inflammation of the cartilage connecting the ribs to the sternum ) on her left side that can flare up at any time. She says it feel like she is having a heart attack but her heart doc say everything is ok. Getting old aint for sissies.

BD
Ask her if sleeping on a pile of money would help!? I swear it is the cure to nearly everything.

Sorry to hear about your wife's condition on a serious note. Rib pain and chest pain is hard to deal with. I hope you guys have found some mediating actions. Pain is a desert you have to cross by foot.

Regards
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 28, 2021, 11:23:00 AM
I feel very blessed after reading these comments.
I will turn 70 before the end of the year and seldom have any pains, still mow the yard with a push mower (not the reel type) even when it is in the 90's.
My wife on the other hand has severe arthritis and needs some powerful medicine most days just to get around.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on August 28, 2021, 12:41:33 PM
I personally have Costcochrondritis, swelling of the wallet caused by buying bulk at Costco!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 28, 2021, 12:57:58 PM
I personally have Costcochrondritis, swelling of the wallet caused by buying bulk at Costco!  ;D
My wallet is just the opposite, it gets skinner after going to costco.lol

Just remember,pain is just weakness leaving your body or some nonsense.😬
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 28, 2021, 03:14:39 PM
I personally have Costcochrondritis, swelling of the wallet caused by buying bulk at Costco!  ;D

I suffer from OpicalRectalitis...
I can't See my Arse doin that.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on August 30, 2021, 01:39:52 AM
I have intercostal nerve damage on my ribs. I've tried different mattresses but I think I know what I need to sleep on now to make it feel better. Money. If I slept on a million bucks as a bed, a literal pile of money, I think, probably, that I will not feel my pain so much.


Second best: this green tea foam mattress I picked up is pretty nice.

My wife has costochrondritis ( inflammation of the cartilage connecting the ribs to the sternum ) on her left side that can flare up at any time. She says it feel like she is having a heart attack but her heart doc say everything is ok. Getting old aint for sissies.

BD
Ask her if sleeping on a pile of money would help!? I swear it is the cure to nearly everything.

Sorry to hear about your wife's condition on a serious note. Rib pain and chest pain is hard to deal with. I hope you guys have found some mediating actions. Pain is a desert you have to cross by foot.

Regards

I asked her if sleeping on a pile of money would help and she said she would be willing to try it and see if you are donating the pile of money to sleep on. ;D ;D

Unfortunately there is nothing but time that helps the pain from it subside and it will come and go with the smallest of a cough or sneeze. She had a fall about a year ago that seemed innocent and left no bruising but a month later the costochrondritis showed up.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on August 30, 2021, 11:09:42 AM
The institute of Unfinished Research has concluded 6 out of ten people


I tried to run through a campground but I could only ran
since it was past tents.


A friend told me he threw a stick so far it took his dog an hour to bring it back.
It sounded a little far-fetched to me.



I tried to run through a campground but I could only ran
since it was past tents.


Do you know the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?
Iron Man stops the bad guys, Aluminum Man foils their plans.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 30, 2021, 03:02:52 PM
Do the people who are paying $300 for a colon cleanse know that
Taco Bell has a $4.99 super meal?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 30, 2021, 07:05:22 PM
Do the people who are paying $300 for a colon cleanse know that
Taco Bell has a $4.99 super meal?
😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on August 30, 2021, 07:13:42 PM
Weakest part of a vehicle is the nut holding the steering wheel.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 30, 2021, 08:09:02 PM
Weakest part of a vehicle is the nut holding the steering wheel.
Why do you think everyone is trying to make self driving vehicles?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on August 30, 2021, 11:19:05 PM
Do the people who are paying $300 for a colon cleanse know that
Taco Bell has a $4.99 super meal?

[laughing]

Dr. Taco Hellbottom will set you up for cleaning out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on August 31, 2021, 02:02:26 AM
Do the people who are paying $300 for a colon cleanse know that
Taco Bell has a $4.99 super meal?

Two bean burritos will do the same. Found that out the hard way yesterday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on August 31, 2021, 02:12:53 AM
My wife used to manage a Taco Bell, trust me you really do not want to know what you are eating.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on August 31, 2021, 02:17:21 AM
Care to elaborate? Spit, hair, what?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on August 31, 2021, 02:26:19 AM
Nothing like that just very low quality ingredients like grade D quality. It was 20 years ago also so may have gotten better or worse, my vote is worse. Hamburger is barely meat and chicken is close to floor scraps.

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 31, 2021, 07:57:08 PM
One time I told my mother I was bringing my new girlfriend over for dinner but to remember that she was “a little slow” and I told my girlfriend my mother was a little “hard of hearing”…it was one of the funniest 2 hours I’ve ever had…
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on September 01, 2021, 09:26:59 AM
Now THAT'S funny!!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 01, 2021, 10:29:15 AM
A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.
"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking
in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post anymore."
"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."
The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."



A man attacked by a gang with rulers was beaten to within an inch of his life.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on September 05, 2021, 10:43:30 AM
I've combined Alphabet Soup with a laxative.

I plan to market it as "Letter Rip!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on September 06, 2021, 03:25:51 AM
I've combined Alphabet Soup with a laxative.

I plan to market it as "Letter Rip!"

[rumbling chuckle]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 06, 2021, 05:28:45 AM
A family leaving church one day told the pastor of their parrot.  All he ever
says is, "Let's neck, Let's neck" they moaned.
The pastor told them that he had a parrot with much better manners.  My
parrot always says, "Let's pray, Let's pray" he told them.
The family decided to take their parrot to visit the pastor's parrot and
learn some better manners.
The family parrot immediately said, "Let's neck, Let's neck."  In response
the pastor's parrot said, "My prayers have been answered, My prayers have
been answered!"

___________________________________

The Three shortest men in the  Bible
        3rd   Ne hi miah
        2nd  Bildad the shu hite
        1st   shortest- The Philippian jailer- he fell asleep on his watch
____________________________________

Where is the first hippy sit-in in the Bible?
Answer (in the old testament.) When Moses gathered all the HEADS of Israel together!

____________________________________
Judge Not...

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man". "Well I'll be", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"? "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 08, 2021, 03:56:51 PM
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ELEPHANT THAT DOESN’T MATTER?

Irrelephant.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 08, 2021, 05:41:15 PM
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ELEPHANT THAT DOESN’T MATTER?

Irrelephant.
Worked on that all night did ya?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on September 08, 2021, 05:57:26 PM
How do you know there is an elephant in the shower with you?


















You can smell peanuts on his breath!!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 08, 2021, 08:23:43 PM
Onto Elephant jokes are we now?

Why did the Elephant paint his toenails green?
So he can "tip-toe" across the pool table and not be seen!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 08, 2021, 08:27:47 PM
I hope he packed his trunk and left....
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on September 08, 2021, 08:31:53 PM
Female rhinos in the 70s era

“gracious, Rhino O’ Neal is gorgeous!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on September 08, 2021, 11:43:10 PM
I was told by a friend that she eats way more bananas than monkeys.

That makes perfect sense to me.  I hardly eat any monkeys, at all!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 10, 2021, 01:03:00 PM
I miss you when you 18 Ar 39.948


Pre means before
Post means after
It would be preposterous to use them together.


I was selling my boat and a guy ask me if I had a title.
I told him he could just call me by my first name.


OXYMORONS-
Only choice
Liquid gas
Open secret
Found missing
Small crowd
Fully empty
Act naturally
Pretty ugly
Social Distancing
Journalistic integrity

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 10, 2021, 01:15:12 PM
I think Unleaded Gas is an OXYMORON.
Lead was a fuel additive.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 11, 2021, 11:35:55 AM

Without U a hug is toxic.


"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in
the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was
this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was
thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there
was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course -- all my
training came back to me in a flash."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"



I think my memory foam mattress  has amnesia.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on September 12, 2021, 07:42:52 PM
Good one Gary!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 14, 2021, 10:45:57 AM
Thats the last time I ever buy shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with
but I have been tripping all day.

If you boil a funny bone does it become laughing stock?

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on September 14, 2021, 09:59:59 PM
Thats the last time I ever buy shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with
but I have been tripping all day.

If you boil a funny bone does it become laughing stock?

Gary

Bwah hah!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on September 15, 2021, 12:02:02 AM
Good stuff Gary.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 16, 2021, 10:22:57 AM
After lunch a group of engineers got in the car to head back to work but it wouldn't start.
The mechanical engineer said it needed a new starter.
The electrical engineer said it was a dead battery.
The IT engineer said lets all get out of the car and then get back in...

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on September 16, 2021, 12:44:20 PM
After lunch a group of engineers got in the car to head back to work but it wouldn't start.
The mechanical engineer said it needed a new starter.
The electrical engineer said it was a dead battery.
The IT engineer said lets all get out of the car and then get back in...

Gary

And then they ask Carl

(https://media2.giphy.com/media/VU45vX6kokplC/giphy-downsized-large.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on September 16, 2021, 06:45:15 PM
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
You can see his footprints in the cheesecake.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 16, 2021, 07:20:36 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
.
.
.
Swimming Trunks.



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 16, 2021, 07:21:41 PM
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

     The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

     The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 16, 2021, 09:40:29 PM
One 9f my nee favorite YouTube channels, he's funny but I also love learning lots of movie magic secrets.

https://youtu.be/eRKv7bVGQ64
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on September 17, 2021, 12:38:10 PM
Hey guys, I have a pair of gloves that I don't need.
Can somebody take them off my hands?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 18, 2021, 03:35:50 PM
Scott-Yes, shoot him at least twice!!!


A friend told me to wish him luck.
He has a meeting today at the bank and if things go his way he will finally be entirely out of debt.
He said he was so excited he wasn't sure if he could get his ski mask on straight.


Lets have a moment of silence for all those people stuck in traffic that are on their way to the gym to ride a stationary bicycle.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 20, 2021, 01:26:10 AM
Laughing at Your Pains

A lady who lives alone reported: “I don’t get lonely because I have some men friends who keep me company. I wake up with Charlie Horse, eat meals with Will Power, spend my days with Arthur Itis, and go to bed with Ben Gay.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 20, 2021, 04:22:05 PM

Being challenged by his articulate priest, a bright, sensitive young man decided he wanted to become a monk. He discussed it many times during high school days with the pastor of his parish. Seeing he could not discourage the aspirant but warning him of the rugged discipline required, the pastor finally recommended the lad to the proper authorities.
The superior in charge of the desired order told the candidate he would be allowed to speak but two words for the first ten years. At the end of that exhausting period, he was asked, “Do you have any comment?”
“Food cold.”
Another decade of dedication was endured. The monk’s confessor asked, “Do you have anything to say?”
“Bed hard.”
After the third decade of silence passed. Again the candidate for the chosen order was asked to comment.
“I quit.”
“Good,” replied the superior, “you’ve done nothing but complain for the last thirty years.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 22, 2021, 03:46:15 AM
    An observation: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

    -What are your plans for today?
    -Me and a friend are going to buy some eye glasses.
    -And after that?
    -And after that, we'll see.

    I'm terrified of negative numbers.
    Really?
    Why yes! I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

    Lance is a pretty uncommon name these days.
    But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
     
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on September 22, 2021, 04:13:06 AM
        Lance is a pretty uncommon name these days.
    But in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
   

Reminds me of Sir Lancelot.  And Surfactant.  A nice man, but forever washing his clothes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on September 22, 2021, 10:45:49 AM
89 year-old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 22, 2021, 10:57:31 AM
A man walks into a bar and asked for some peanuts.
The bartender says we don't have peanuts.
The next day the same man walks into the same bar and asks for peanuts.
The bartender say I told you we don't have peanuts.
The next day the same man walks into the bar and asks for peanuts.
The bartender shouts for the last time we don't have any peanuts. And if you come in here again and ask for peanuts I'll nail you to the wall.
The next day the same man walks into the same bar and asks for nails.
We don't have any nails the bartender shouts.
The man then asks do you have any peanuts.


Someone asked me whats the ninth letter of the alphabet. It was just a guess but I was right.


A cowboy rides into town, get off his horse and starts walking down the street.
His hat is made of tissue paper, his shirt is made of brown wrapping paper and his chaps are made of waxed paper.
The town sheriff arrested him for rustling.



The Patron Saint of people who copy emails to others is St Francis of a CC.
and yes, his favorite song is CC writer.


Gary





Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 22, 2021, 11:05:51 AM
A guy walked into a bar and asked if anyone had been asking for him.  The bartender said:  What is your name?
The guy said:  PEANUTS!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 22, 2021, 03:48:02 PM
https://youtu.be/TS7CSPVnbmk
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on September 22, 2021, 04:02:19 PM
 A cowboy rides into town on Friday. Three days later he leaves on Friday. How?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 22, 2021, 04:17:19 PM
A cowboy rides into town on Friday. Three days later he leaves on Friday. How?

His horse was named Friday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 22, 2021, 04:38:54 PM
Who is on Friday?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 22, 2021, 05:16:06 PM
Who is not on Friday.  Who is on first!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 22, 2021, 05:18:34 PM
Really? Who was just on Friday on the first.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on September 22, 2021, 05:28:47 PM
A cowboy rides into town on Friday. Three days later he leaves on Friday. How?

His horse was named Friday.

You've seen Little Big League
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on September 22, 2021, 10:25:58 PM
89 year-old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

I like that one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 22, 2021, 10:54:35 PM
A cowboy rides into town on Friday. Three days later he leaves on Friday. How?

His horse was named Friday.

You've seen Little Big League
I watched that one a lot as a kid, but haven't watched it in 20 years.
I think it's on VHS which I do still watch bit usually when I get into the VHS wall it's for a Jim Varney Ernest classic or an 80's-90's action movie.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 23, 2021, 12:22:41 PM


 

 

 

 

 

At My Age...

  I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.   I don’t have to go to school or work. 

I get an allowance every month.  I have my own pad.  I don’t have a curfew.  I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.

Life is great.  I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People get out of the way much faster now.

  Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

  I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

  I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

  Old age is coming at a really bad time.

  When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.  Now it feels like a small vacation.

   The biggest lie I tell myself is... ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

  I don’t have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"!  I’m just very wise.

  If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

  Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven’t met yet.

  Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

  Of course I talk to myself.  Sometimes I need expert advice.

  At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.


 

 

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on September 23, 2021, 01:25:49 PM
Robert, I agree with you 100%. At 80yrs old, I had to read it 2X to remember it all. ::)  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 23, 2021, 10:20:54 PM
One of the funniest misunderstandings ever if you pay close attention and can understand his accent.
https://youtu.be/3Lyex2tSUyA
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 23, 2021, 10:27:54 PM
https://youtu.be/2cgvBxI-XfE
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 24, 2021, 11:27:56 AM
I just ordered a pair of shoes with 'memory foam soles'.
No more forgetting what I walked into a room for.


Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It is very time consuming.


A clerk at a local store fought off a would be robber with his labelling gun.
Police are searching for a man with a price on his head.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 24, 2021, 11:54:33 AM
Gary, you always have some good ones!

Much appreciated
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 25, 2021, 12:16:03 AM
I'm sure theres a short regular dad joke kinda version of this, but the entire setup and reaction makes norms version worth it.
https://youtu.be/n3LMSflEN54
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on September 25, 2021, 07:43:33 AM
I'm sure theres a short regular dad joke kinda version of this, but the entire setup and reaction makes norms version worth it.
https://youtu.be/n3LMSflEN54

That was worth the wait!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on September 25, 2021, 01:50:19 PM
Thanks Scott.
They are just stuff people send me.
I enjoy all of them and steal them to send to the people who send me jokes.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 25, 2021, 03:36:42 PM
 ;)

Why are Dogs terrible dancers?
Because they have two left feet.

I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except…
The bark is much quieter.

When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get?
A lot of trouble with a postman.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 25, 2021, 03:39:46 PM
David... I am not going to steal the punch line here but be darn sure I am telling that at work Monday!!!

Followed up by squeezing a dolphin gives you "All Porpoise Oil"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 25, 2021, 04:18:59 PM
;)

Why are Dogs terrible dancers?
Because they have two left feet.

I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except…
The bark is much quieter.

When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get?
A lot of trouble with a postman.
What's a postman? I haven't had mail delivery at my house in around 18 years.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on September 25, 2021, 05:16:20 PM
;)

Why are Dogs terrible dancers?
Because they have two left feet.

I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except…
The bark is much quieter.

When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get?
A lot of trouble with a postman.
What's a postman? I haven't had mail delivery at my house in around 18 years.
That cougardog ate him!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 25, 2021, 05:27:08 PM
;)

Why are Dogs terrible dancers?
Because they have two left feet.

I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except…
The bark is much quieter.

When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get?
A lot of trouble with a postman.
What's a postman? I haven't had mail delivery at my house in around 18 years.
That cougardog ate him!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Note to self... Madd Hatter is a wet blanket.
 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 25, 2021, 06:29:07 PM
Nothing but the facts mam
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 25, 2021, 09:31:13 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/p526x296/243116086_2732594810366282_6647675441353256221_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=ioaHhfWTJ2QAX_kooN1&_nc_oc=AQnf-9eDs-tJkk6pM1hPWXSybve_9d4fnmlcaAjD2Lo0IyqfxGXEb3YPlknetLbEacw&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=0515bd464b866dc7f3ecee3fd5a297a5&oe=615439E9)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 25, 2021, 09:52:01 PM
You are a wise women Kris...
I learned that is the best practice in certain company years ago. ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on September 26, 2021, 01:44:49 AM
But we always get the last word.

Yes Dear. :o ???

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 26, 2021, 06:24:32 PM
I usually wait until she is out of the room before uttering the last word....  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 26, 2021, 06:28:33 PM
I usually wait until she is out of the room before uttering the last word....  :o
Which is"yes dear".😂😂😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Michael Loar on September 27, 2021, 01:34:10 AM
My SWMBOs hearing is so good I would have to go out of the house for her to not near me utter "yes dear". We've been together so long she completely expects to hear those last words. ;D ;D ::)

BD
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on September 28, 2021, 06:51:10 AM
(https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/p526x296/243683074_2734199133539183_6575586953476474227_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=8zQI9CnPXlUAX9BPzDe&tn=Li0Y6YBmF_JoulCg&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=ed80ad17cafc1f8fa667ecad96b87f3b&oe=615867F7)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ironman482 on September 28, 2021, 02:29:06 PM
My doctor told me not to worry too much about old age , IT DOESN'T LAST THAT LONG ANYWAY.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on September 28, 2021, 10:36:47 PM
My doctor told me not to worry too much about old age , IT DOESN'T LAST THAT LONG ANYWAY.

An old guy was given six months to live.  He was behind on paying his bills, so his doctor gave him another three months.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on September 29, 2021, 09:34:51 AM
My doctor told me not to worry too much about old age , IT DOESN'T LAST THAT LONG ANYWAY.

An old guy was given six months to live.  He was behind on paying his bills, so his doctor gave him another three months.

Henny Youngman classic?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on September 29, 2021, 09:43:46 AM
Henny Youngman classic?

No idea where I heard it...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 29, 2021, 09:48:36 AM
That joke is the second one on this video at about 20 seconds in.  The rest are good too, if you have time to listen.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDm-ZmhAnH4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDm-ZmhAnH4)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on September 29, 2021, 09:48:44 AM
Henny Youngman classic?

No idea where I heard it...

Dangerfield also had a bunch like that. You know his doctor. Dr. Vinnie Boombatz
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on September 29, 2021, 09:54:22 AM
Jokes have a way of travelling :)

I remember who told me this one.  No idea where it started:

A shrink asks his patient, "does anyone in your family suffer from insanity?"  The patient replied, "actually, we rather enjoy it".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 29, 2021, 09:58:33 AM
Thank you Mike!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 29, 2021, 10:22:14 AM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on September 29, 2021, 10:52:52 AM
Two muffins in an oven
One says "man, it sure is hot in here"
The other says "WOW!!! A talking muffin!!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 02, 2021, 01:29:36 PM
The furniture salesman was telling me the couch I was looking at would seat five people with no problems at all.
Then I realized I din't know five people with no problems.


Me when I can’t find my glasses-

          Somethings Happening Here.
          What It Is Ain’t Exactly Clear


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on October 02, 2021, 01:39:15 PM
If you must borrow money make sure you borrow from a pessimist.


They don't expect you'll pay them back.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 02, 2021, 01:56:29 PM
Do you know why there's so much unrest on the streets? Because the washing machine companies have let go all of their agitators.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 03, 2021, 06:09:18 PM
Once a friend of mine went to mime school.
I never heard from him again.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on October 03, 2021, 06:13:41 PM
Once a friend of mine went to mime school.
I never heard from him again.

A mime is a terrible thing...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on October 04, 2021, 02:29:43 AM
Once a friend of mine went to mime school.
I never heard from him again.
   (https://i.pinimg.com/originals/0c/df/30/0cdf30ba0171fef98e421c2fdd9b3fc3.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 04, 2021, 12:05:45 PM
Once a friend of mine went to mime school.
I never heard from him again.
He probably entered a mime field and didn't know it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on October 04, 2021, 01:34:20 PM
I love watching a street mime artist
Getting into the spirit of it, I give him invisible money
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on October 04, 2021, 01:34:49 PM
If a mime falls in the woods, does anybody care?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 04, 2021, 04:34:14 PM
The end of Gas and Diesel cars in the UK was scheduled for 2030.

This has now been changed to this Wednesday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 04, 2021, 11:33:15 PM
If a mime falls in the woods, does anybody care?

I once saw this mime rob a guy at finger-gunpoint ,the police arrived and arrested the mime for arm robbery.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 05, 2021, 07:54:36 PM
(1996) Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on state Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-giggin' trip.

On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston (shot his intimate parts off) or we might have been dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 05, 2021, 08:06:32 PM
(1996) Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake, 24, and his friend, Ormond D. Young, 27, at a Friday night Metallica concert.

Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20-ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground, adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.

According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the parking lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7-foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in.

They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake. They did not count on the fact that, while it was a 7-foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23-foot drop on the other side.

Young, who weighed 255 lbs. and was quite inebriated, jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the distance before a large tree branch broke his fall and his left forearm. He also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in great pain and had no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided to cut his shorts off and fall to the bushes below.
 

As soon as he cut the last bit of fabric holding him on the branch, he suddenly plummeted the rest of the way down, losing his grip on the knife. The bushes he had depended on to break his fall were actually holly bushes, and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch, effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 feet up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. He was in tremendous pain.
Enter his friend Robert Uhlenake.

Uhlenake had observed the series of tumbles and realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pulling him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Happily, despite his drunken state, he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his drunken state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse rather than into drive. He broke through the fence and landed on Young, killing him. Uhlenake was thrown from the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.

"So that's how a dead 255 lb. man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his @@@, came to be" said Commissioner Appleton
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on October 05, 2021, 08:12:26 PM
Priceless!   :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 05, 2021, 08:41:01 PM
Was the truck badly damaged?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on October 06, 2021, 08:42:18 AM
Would that be considered a traffic jam?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bduares on October 06, 2021, 08:53:55 AM
That holly bush wrecked 'em
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 06, 2021, 10:06:04 AM
My neighbor said things are so bad he may not be able to pay his water bill.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

The Tom Jones guide to genetics-

     XX=Female
     XY=Male
    YYY=Delialah

Don't you love the irony of a generation raised on making prank phone calls having to answer robo calls daily?

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 06, 2021, 10:31:27 AM
Times gone by:  There was a Pay Phone in the student mall.  An administrator watched as a student made a call to the school office (which the administrator also could see from where he stood).  The student said there was a bomb in the school and hung up.  As the student noticed the administrator walking over to him, his head dropped because he knew he was 'BUSTED".  <--- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on October 06, 2021, 10:34:20 AM

Boudreaux was driving over to Thibodeaux's house yesterday when he noticed a three-legged chicken running along side of the road. As he drove along, he noticed that the chicken was keeping up with him even though he was doing 50 MPH.

When he got to Thibodeaux's house, he asked Thibodeaux if he had ever seen that chicken. Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais yeh, dat's my chicken. You know how we likes to bar-b-que dem yard bird, 'specially dem drumsticks, so I been studyin' up on dat genetics, and learned me how to grow a three-legged chicken.  Day way, we can have an extra drumstick to eat."

Boudreaux says, "Mais dat's real nice!  How do dey taste, cher?"


Thibodeaux tells him, "We don't know. We ain't been able to catch one of dem yet
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on October 06, 2021, 03:38:09 PM
(https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/244540845_2739977882961308_345890844172426654_n.png?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8024bb&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_ohc=IesSVwmiZI8AX_5NwXH&tn=jK-i5hn6n6eOaps6&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=b117e64605ab841b26d8810052c3c741&oe=61629036)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 19, 2021, 02:34:54 PM
What did 1 john say to the other John. You're looking kinda flush.😬
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on October 19, 2021, 03:06:15 PM
If you are cold, go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 19, 2021, 04:12:02 PM
I used to be addicted to soap, but I eventually got myself clean.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 19, 2021, 04:21:04 PM
A man flew to New York on business and at the airport he hails a taxi to take him to his destination.
When they're a few minutes out the cabi decides to tell the man a riddle.

He says who is the brother of my grandfathers sons brothers son ?

I don't know said the man.

The cabi says it's me, I am the brother to my sister who is the son of my father who is the brother to my grandfathers other son.

The man says that's a good one, I have to tell it to my wife she'll love it.
He says cabi take me back to the airport.

The cabi says don't you have somewhere to be ?
He says yes but I must tell my wife this riddle before I forget.lSo the cabi takes him back to the airport and he boards a flight right home.

He arrives home and says honey I'm home early I must tell you this great riddle.

who is the brother of my grandfathers sons brothers son ?

She thinks for a minute and says I don't know I give up who Is it ?

He looks at her and says it's this cab driver back in new York city.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 19, 2021, 05:20:47 PM
brother to my sister who is the son of my father   What the ??????
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 19, 2021, 06:05:01 PM
brother to my sister who is the son of my father   What the ??????

It's a "Transgender" joke.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 20, 2021, 09:45:47 AM
A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was
so much per word.

"Oh, my" she said, "Just change that to 'George died.'"

The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum.

"Well," she said, "make that 'George died, 4Runner for sale.’"
“There will be a meeting of the Church Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor.
After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the sanctuary for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst — a visitor who had never attended their church before.
“My friend,” said the pastor, “Didn’t you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?”
“Yes,” said the visitor, “and after today’s sermon, I suppose I’m just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting.”


A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “Don’t pay for me, Daddy, I’m under five.”


After service, a stranger approached the pastor and said, “I’d like you to pray for my hearing.”
The pastor placed his hands on the man’s ears and said a passionate, earnest prayer.
“How’s your hearing now?” the pastor asked.
Looking surprised, the man said, “Well, it’s not until tomorrow.”

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on October 20, 2021, 11:18:51 AM
 Closing in on "Halloween", so here's a word of caution...

            "Never moon a Werewolf!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on October 20, 2021, 11:30:26 AM
Closing in on "Halloween", so here's a word of caution...

            "Never moon a Werewolf!"

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 21, 2021, 11:00:04 AM

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been
invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get
something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One
blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he
chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she
lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She
Used to Be!”


You-I am going to open this kitchen drawer.
Potato masher-No you won’t.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 21, 2021, 11:07:24 AM
A young man was in prison for bank robbery and his father calls him to talk one day.
He says son I wish you were here to help me plan the potatoes this year, it's gonna take a long time to dig it all myself.

No dad, don't dig up the field that's where I buried all the money I stole.

A week later he calls his son back and says, son I think they were listening to our conversation because a bunch of feds came and dug up our field.
They didn't find anything though.

Well dad, I couldn't let you dig that field by yourself now could I.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on October 21, 2021, 12:37:33 PM
^^^LOL....  ;D
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on October 21, 2021, 01:43:28 PM
Very good!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 23, 2021, 12:32:40 PM

At a training seminar for insurance agents the instructor asked the students for examples of where people think they have full coverage but really don’t 
One student said hospital gowns.



Before crowbars were invented crows had to drink at home.



Do you know why dark is spelled with a ‘k’ instead of a ‘c’?
You can’t see in the dark.



What do you call a French guy who has been mauled by a lion?
 Claude



Two books were talking and one said you look thinner. The other replied, yes I had my appendix removed.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on October 30, 2021, 08:19:15 PM
My father could sharpen a knife so sharp,
that it could slice a piece of meat so thin
that it would only have 1 side.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on October 30, 2021, 09:43:15 PM
My father could sharpen a knife so sharp,
that it could slice a piece of meat so thin
that it would only have 1 side.....

A mobius strip steak?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 30, 2021, 09:48:44 PM
My father could sharpen a knife so sharp,
that it could slice a piece of meat so thin
that it would only have 1 side.....
Doesn't sound very filling 😳
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on October 31, 2021, 10:14:17 AM
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been
invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get
something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One
blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he
chose a red one (her favorite color) and had it gift-wrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she
lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She
Used to Be!”

You-I am going to open this kitchen drawer.
Potato masher-No your not.


My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs scattered all over the house and her birthday is coming up.
I can take a hint.
I am getting her a nice magazine rack.


I like to sing in the shower but when I get shampoo in my mouth it tuns into a soap opera.


With all the uproar over pronouns now that HIM. HER, HE and SHE are no longer sufficient I am preparing for the day we are forced to abandon these and select another one.
I am leaning towards non-bidenary ammosexual.


I remember a long time ago when I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that wood work. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 31, 2021, 12:07:56 PM
 Ed and his wife were working in the garden one day
> > when Ed looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really
> > big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
> >
> > With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
> > then
> > went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
> >
> > "Yes,  I was right!! Your butt is two inches wider than the
> > barbecue!!!"  The wife chose to ignore her husband.
> >
> > Later that night in bed, Ed is  feeling a little frisky. He makes some
> > advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?"
> > he
> > asks.
> >
> > She answers: "Do you  really think I'm going to fire up this
> > big-@@@ grill for one little weenie?😳
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on November 02, 2021, 07:46:44 AM
Ed and his wife were working in the garden one day
> > when Ed looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really
> > big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
> >
> > With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
> > then
> > went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
> >
> > "Yes,  I was right!! Your butt is two inches wider than the
> > barbecue!!!"  The wife chose to ignore her husband.
> >
> > Later that night in bed, Ed is  feeling a little frisky. He makes some
> > advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?"
> > he
> > asks.
> >
> > She answers: "Do you  really think I'm going to fire up this
> > big-@@@ grill for one little weenie?😳
Someday I'll learn not to read these type jokes back to Betty Lou....  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 02, 2021, 02:10:43 PM
Why did the Optometrist set his clock to military time?
To see 20:20.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 02, 2021, 02:31:39 PM
I have a broken clock joke, but the time isn't right.

I wanted to eat a clock for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.


I also have a marathon joke... but it's pretty long.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 03, 2021, 11:41:59 AM
When a bureaucrat dies do them bury them in paperwork?

Does Apple provide core services?

When he found out about the high voltage fence around my property my neighbor got the shock of his life.
Now he is dead against it.

My doctor said he wanted to talk to me about my weight.
I told him it was over half an hour and the chair was uncomfortable.

I switched the labels on my wife spice rack.
I don't think she know yet but the time is cumin.

Gary

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 03, 2021, 04:15:57 PM
This should be better.

I switched the labels on my wifes spice rack.
I don't think she knows yet but the thyme is cumin.

(spell check is my worst enema)

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 04, 2021, 07:06:34 AM
Quote
(spell check is my worst enema)


Now THAT is FUNNY!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on November 04, 2021, 02:14:55 PM
My cell phone wont wreck a nice peach....  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on November 04, 2021, 10:12:52 PM
Quote
(spell check is my worst enema)


Now THAT is FUNNY!

[chuckling]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 05, 2021, 02:47:40 AM
WARNING ...RANT!

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my gin out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on November 05, 2021, 07:49:35 AM
LOL.... good one Jerry.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on November 05, 2021, 09:28:39 AM
WARNING ...RANT!

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my gin out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

About 35 years ago I was told about an old man that had to give up driving after he hit the brakes and was rear ended when he saw some red and blue Christmas lights. So the joke is not far from being a reality.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 06, 2021, 06:07:15 PM

Sarcastic Al Says:
 
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 11, 2021, 11:07:18 AM
Older Men Have Different Priorities . . .

A 78 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar.

 

Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down just a few seats away.

 

The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.


After a while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

 

But before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:

 

“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game.

 

I want $100, and there’s another condition”.


Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.


“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”


The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.


He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand.


He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:


“Paint my house.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 11, 2021, 12:44:16 PM
Bwaaa-ha-haaaa!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 11, 2021, 12:48:41 PM
What is the difference between your girlfriend, a prostitute, and your wife?
Your girlfriend says "are you done already?"
A Prostitute says "are you done yet?"
Your wife says "Beige....
I think I want the ceiling painted beige"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bimota on November 11, 2021, 07:33:50 PM
Did you hear about the doctor on trial for having sex with six of his patients? The judge said this was a most unusual trial for a veterinarian.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on November 11, 2021, 09:05:52 PM


Some believe wordplay to be the highest form of humor. Others believe it to be the lowest.

And others still... Believe that those who use it should be pun-ished.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on November 13, 2021, 01:04:27 PM
An ancient question is about to be answered.
I ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon.
Just waiting to see which one comes first.

A friend of mine was shocked to find out his toaster was not water proof.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on November 13, 2021, 01:54:07 PM
Or knife proof.

(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pbh2.com%2Fwordpress%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F09%2Fpeople-are-idiots-knife-in-toaster.gif&f=1&nofb=1)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 13, 2021, 05:00:50 PM
Not to mention idiot proof.😄
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 20, 2021, 11:49:08 AM
  Betty was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Betty
  was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to
  hold my hand when we were courting...."


  Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
  get back to sleep.

  A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...."

  Mildly irritated, he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and
  settled down to sleep.

  Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck...."

  Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

  "Where are you going?" Betty asked.

  "To get my teeth

  Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
  years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
  week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
  said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a
  long time but I just can't think of your name.

  I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me
  what your name is."

  Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
  and glared at her.

  Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?


 As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate, his car phone
  rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
  "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on I-25. Please be careful!"
"*(&^," said Vernon, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ER00z on November 20, 2021, 03:13:46 PM
How do you turn a slug into a vegetable?

You get a rock and make it squash!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on November 20, 2021, 05:50:28 PM
How do you turn a slug into a vegetable?

You get a rock and make it squash!!!

Reminds me of this joke:  https://youtu.be/G9EbWN__JRM?t=83

In a short scene from a weird movie.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ER00z on November 20, 2021, 09:24:35 PM
Don't know if this one has been told yet... (Hopefully I don't get kicked, lol)

A man went for a jog on a beach and noticed a woman with no arms or legs lying there crying.

He asked "What's the matter?"

She said "I was lying here thinking I've never really been hugged before "

So the man knelt down and gave her a big hug, then continued on his jog.

Next day the man encountered the same woman crying again during his jog.

He asked "what's the matter today?"

The woman replied "I was lying here and realized I've never been really been kissed before "

So the man knelt down and gave her a big kiss, then continued on his jog.

The next day, the man went for his jog and yet again, he encountered the same woman lying there crying.

He asked "Now what could possibly be the matter? You've really been hugged, kissed and you're lying on this beautiful beach near the water"

She replied "I've never really been screwed before"

The man looked at her, knelt down and grabbed her, then threw her in the water and said "Now you're really screwed"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on November 20, 2021, 10:09:04 PM
A woman finds a cheap parrot in a pet shop and asks "why so cheap"? The owner tells her the parrot came from a brothel and has some bad language. She decided to take a chance and took the parrot home.
The parrot looked around his new home and said "new house, new madam." Not too bad thought the woman.
Next her daughters came home and the parrot said "new house. new madam, new girls."  Once again, not too bad
Next her husband came home and the parrot said " new house, new madam, new girls. Welcome back Kieth."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 20, 2021, 10:36:33 PM
Bwaaa-ha-haaa!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on November 25, 2021, 03:24:39 AM
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. 

She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 50 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 25, 2021, 12:01:31 PM
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on November 25, 2021, 01:23:18 PM
A New Hampshire cattleman and a Texas cattleman struck up a conversation at a stock convention. These two could not be more opposites. The talk turned to ranch size. The NH rancher says he has about 300 acres. Texan says sounds nice. NH asks Texan how big his spread is. Texan says, "Well, I have a gas pump at the house. I fill my truck up and by the time I get to my gate, I need to fill up again. What do you think?'

NH says "I had a truck like that once."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 03, 2021, 10:13:57 PM

 
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “O’kay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 03, 2021, 10:20:10 PM
Nice spin on an oldie... I like it!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on December 04, 2021, 03:34:59 AM
Good one Earl.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 04, 2021, 06:14:35 PM
A nun found herself walking through a questionable neighborhood one night on her way back to the convent. Nearing a bar, she saw a large, disreputable-looking man step outside. He began walking towards her, clearly swaying as a result of the many drinks he had undoubtedly just consumed.

Although the nun very much disapproved of overindulging in drink, she decided that this time, discretion was the better part of valor. She smiled at him and stepped to the side to pass him. Suddenly, the man hauled back and punched her in the face. As she fell back in shock and pain, he threw another punch. And another and another.

The last thing she heard before she passed out: "Ya ain't shhho tough tonight, arrrrrre ya Batman??"



---------------------------------------



I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday,
minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of Swaggers, young, loud Justin Bieber Fans, shouting and singing , with posters of Justin Bieber new album in their hands "JB I love you" spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly, they yelled, " Baby baby Baby oohhh " and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 05, 2021, 08:20:49 PM
What goes-Leon, leon, leon, leon
A dyslexic singing christmas carols.

Got a present the other day-It was four AA batteries and a note that said Gift Not Included.

I saw in the paper the inventor of auto-correct died. The obituary said his funnel is tomato.

A friend of mine was on a safari in Africa with a hunting group. After a hard day of hunting they got back to their land rover and discovered the driver had left the lights on and the battery was dead. They didn’t know what they were going to do and then suddenly a rhinoceros came crashing out of a nearby patch of trees and charged their vehicle.

Where do bad rainbows go-Prism, but it is only a light sentence.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 08, 2021, 10:52:23 AM
Saw that the inventor of out-correct died.
The obituary said his funnel is tomato.

Also a reminder that Diarrhea Awareness Week begins Monday.
Runs through Friday.


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 08, 2021, 12:04:26 PM
What goes-Leon, leon, leon, leon
A dyslexic singing christmas carols.

Got a present the other day-It was four AA batteries and a note that said Gift Not Included.

I saw in the paper the inventor of auto-correct died. The obituary said his funnel is tomato.

A friend of mine was on a safari in Africa with a hunting group. After a hard day of hunting they got back to their land rover and discovered the driver had left the lights on and the battery was dead. They didn’t know what they were going to do and then suddenly a rhinoceros came crashing out of a nearby patch of trees and charged their vehicle.

Where do bad rainbows go-Prism, but it is only a light sentence.

Gary

Saw that the inventor of out-correct died.
The obituary said his funnel is tomato.

Gary

I saw that somewhere too
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on December 08, 2021, 12:49:09 PM
When the founder of Ikea died I had a picture in my head of the family trying to assemble his casket.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 12, 2021, 03:32:03 PM
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on December 14, 2021, 02:35:34 PM
I almost had myself an accident.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on December 14, 2021, 11:47:13 PM
A priest parked his car in a no-parking zone because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation......


The priest goes to court over it, the traffic court judge told him to "give us this day our daily bread."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 19, 2021, 08:39:36 AM
Walked into my son's room and said, "If you keep doing that you'll go blind".
From the opposite side of the room I heard. "Dad, I'm over here".   :o ::) :-[
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 19, 2021, 10:33:07 AM
Walked into my son's room and said, "If you keep doing that you'll go blind".
From the opposite side of the room I heard. "Dad, I'm over here".   :o ::) :-[
😱😱
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on December 20, 2021, 03:30:36 AM
This was on Facebook and it is too funny not to share

I can not shop at Costco anymore  :-)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
                   
                     
                           
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 20, 2021, 11:42:04 AM
Read this a few years ago but I still laughed
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on December 20, 2021, 03:12:32 PM
At least now he can lick himself..............
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 20, 2021, 04:58:57 PM
Came up with a product to make me a Million dollars!
A door lock for tents!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on December 20, 2021, 05:33:41 PM
Came up with a product to make me a Million dollars!
A door lock for tents!
I think that'll be next to the window screens for submarines ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RonsPlc on December 20, 2021, 06:00:59 PM
When it's my time to go...
I hope that I pass peacefully in my sleep like my Uncle Jimmy.
Not screaming in terror like the 20 people on his bus.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 22, 2021, 12:49:02 PM
Please delete
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on December 23, 2021, 12:28:21 PM
With Christmas right around the corner just wanted to give all of you a quick reminder.
Forget about the past, it is gone.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

Merry Christmas
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on December 23, 2021, 01:42:36 PM
Using that one, Gary!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 24, 2021, 03:54:32 PM
I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping for the kids.
I asked the clerk where I could find the Terminator toys


He replied. Aisle B, Back
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on January 04, 2022, 06:10:15 PM
Hey, have you heard about the latest anonymous sperm bank being established by the State of Indiana?

It will be called "Hoosier Daddy."




Now we need a joke about whirligigs...

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 05, 2022, 10:26:38 AM
Great one.
It seem so obvious after you see it but I never come up with them.
 Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on January 05, 2022, 11:13:45 AM
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it, because you guys didn't like it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 05, 2022, 11:40:51 AM
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it, because you guys didn't like it.
We may warm up to it, in time...  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on January 05, 2022, 04:34:27 PM
Why are some people so good at remembering jokes?   I'm jealous.   There are only two jokes that I can always remember.    Neither  should be posted here.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 05, 2022, 06:21:26 PM
Why are some people so good at remembering jokes?   I'm jealous.   There are only two jokes that I can always remember.    Neither  should be posted here.
[/quote
Why are some people so good at remembering jokes?   I'm jealous.   There are only two jokes that I can always remember.    Neither  should be posted here.
Better than me
 I can only remember one joke and it's from the 50's so you know it's no where near PC.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 05, 2022, 06:57:37 PM
Hey, have you heard about the latest anonymous sperm bank being established by the State of Indiana?

It will be called "Hoosier Daddy."


You get it.  ;)

I like to say "slap your wife on the butt and yell my user name"!
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 06, 2022, 10:51:29 AM
Your call is important to us.
Please hold until it is no longer of importance to you.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ironman482 on January 06, 2022, 11:40:16 AM
I like to answer spam calls with " this Ron on a recorded line" , usually they hang up .
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on January 06, 2022, 02:30:34 PM
I like to answer and talk to them in Vietnamese. They will start to talk louder as if that would make me understand them? They even call over their supervisor to try to understand me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 06, 2022, 03:22:10 PM
"Welcome to Hacker's Inc... my name is Bill. Please enter your account number."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on January 06, 2022, 06:35:00 PM
B-I-L used to answer " Cook County morgue, you stab and we slab" . Reactions on the other end were interesting.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 07, 2022, 10:45:26 AM
Tom,
My room mate at the U of I used a version of that, until his mom called.
No caller ID in 1970.

A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became
hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them
astray.
"You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted.
"I am," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now!”

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and
then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"
"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is
4136"
Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or
would that be too personal?”

Gary

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: K_sqrd on January 07, 2022, 12:33:10 PM
My wife received a call from someone wanting to know if she had made here
final funeral arrangements. She replied "I'm not going". There was along pause
and the caller hung up.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 08, 2022, 12:22:08 PM
"if Heaven Ain't A Lot Like Dixie"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 08, 2022, 12:26:38 PM
Gary, that is my home country.
From OLD TIMES:  The word Dixie could have originally referred to currency issued first by the Citizens State Bank in the French Quarter (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_Quarter) of New Orleans and then by other banks in Louisiana (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louisiana). These banks issued ten-dollar notes[1 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dixie#cite_note-14) labeled Dix on the reverse side, French for ten (French pronunciation:[dis] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA/French), ). The notes were known as Dixies by Southerners, and the area around New Orleans (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Orleans) and the French-speaking parts of Louisiana came to be known as Dixieland. Eventually, usage of the term broadened to refer to the Southern states in general.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on January 08, 2022, 01:03:14 PM
Gary, that is my home country.
From OLD TIMES:  The word Dixie could have originally referred to currency issued first by the Citizens State Bank in the French Quarter (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_Quarter) of New Orleans and then by other banks in Louisiana (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louisiana). These banks issued ten-dollar notes[1 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dixie#cite_note-14) labeled Dix on the reverse side, French for ten (French pronunciation:[dis] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA/French), ). The notes were known as Dixies by Southerners, and the area around New Orleans (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Orleans) and the French-speaking parts of Louisiana came to be known as Dixieland. Eventually, usage of the term broadened to refer to the Southern states in general.

Word forensics
Is Dis-ney-land a French variation of Dixieland?  ;)  ;D

Ney (neɪ) n.
Michel, Duke of Elchingen, 1769–1815, French military leader: marshal of France 1805–15.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 08, 2022, 01:11:41 PM
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering a lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the damage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on January 08, 2022, 02:52:03 PM
UGH! Math jokes!   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 08, 2022, 02:58:29 PM
But that one is just to good not to share!
 ;D

We use the 3, 4, 5, formula on a lot of jobs to install flooring!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 08, 2022, 03:23:10 PM
Instruments of math instruction
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 08, 2022, 03:32:42 PM
Why was the student confused when he went from English class to math class?
Because he was taught that a double negative in English is bad, but in math, it’s a positive.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 08, 2022, 03:45:12 PM
0 x 0 = 0
1 x 1 = 1
Then some smart @@@ went and changed everything!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on January 08, 2022, 05:28:12 PM
And remember
1/1=1
0/0=2
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 08, 2022, 06:19:54 PM
I confer with 4 out of 3 people have trouble with math.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 09, 2022, 08:19:02 AM
....and the remaining 2 cant spel wurth a dam.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 09, 2022, 09:27:04 AM
A high school graduating senior was a very sought after quarterback, but very poor in math.  His lack of math skills was keeping him from achieving a satisfactory score on the college entrance exam.  But the coach really wanted the boy to play on his team.  So the coach brought the boy to the Dean of Admissions to plead his case.  The coach asked the Dean of Admissions if maybe the boy could be given a special oral test [since he obviously didn't possess the skills for a written test.]  The Dean agreed and asked the boy:  "What is 5 + 6."  When the boy answered "12", the coach shouted:  Aw, that should be close enough; he's only TWO away from the correct answer.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 11, 2022, 02:55:15 PM
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she met St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in *(&^ and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to *(&^.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in *(&^ and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in *(&^."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to *(&^.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and said
....
....

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 11, 2022, 03:08:51 PM
Excellent one Jeff. (former recruiter here)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 12, 2022, 10:55:49 AM



 being old is good. i think
 
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on January 12, 2022, 11:25:56 AM



 being old is good. i think
 
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Hey, now! I resemble those remarks!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 12, 2022, 11:41:05 AM
Please remember my friend.
He went to the hospital to have his appendix removed.
They took out his glossary instead.
He has no words to describe what he has been through.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 12, 2022, 12:10:07 PM
Cavendish, MacGregor, and O'Shaughnessy were sitting together, in a bar in Sydney.

"The view here is fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional," said MacGregor. "But I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Aberdeen, there's a wee pub called MacTavish's. MacTavish goes out of his way for the locals. So much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said Cavendish, "at my local pub in Leicester, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink, after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said O'Shaughnessy. "Back home in Cork, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment ye set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink. And then another, afore ye finish the first one. And all the drinks you'd like, all night long. Then, when you've had plenty to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, as many times as you want - ALL on the house!"

Cavendish and MacGregor immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but O'Shaughnessy swears every word is true.

"Come now, my good man," said Cavendish, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Well, not meself personally, no," said O'Shaughnessy, "but it did happen to me sister."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 12, 2022, 03:48:34 PM
Lol 😂😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 12, 2022, 04:24:12 PM
Guy walking down the beach one day. Yep, bottle in the sand. He picks it up and dusts it off. Yep, Genie pops out. Yep, three wishes.
But here is where it gets interesting. Genie says, three wishes BUT whatever you wish I will double and give to your wife!!!
Guy says OK. Thinks for a minute - first wish: brand new top line Corvette. Right there on the beach it pops up. Back in the driveway, two pop up.
Second wish: 10 million dollars. BANG, the Corvette is filled with 10 million dollars. Back home, same thing, 10 million in each Corvette.
Guy thinks for a few minutes then says - third wish:




I want you to beat me half to death!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 12, 2022, 06:48:00 PM
A man was walking along a beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?"

The genie laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... How much steel !!! No think of another wish."

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, to know why they are crying, to know what they want when they say 'nothing'..."

The genie replies "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 17, 2022, 11:00:44 AM
Genie in a bottle: I will grant you one wish. However there are three rules


1. No wishing someone dead
2. No wishing that someone will love you
3. No wishing for bringing back a dead person

What is your wish?

Me: I wish that envelopes would moan when you lick them

Genie: There are four rules...

----------

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 17, 2022, 12:08:37 PM
I was looking through my 2022 calendar and was dismayed to find the fifth month is missing.

I am going to sell my vacuum cleaner. It has just been gathering dust.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 18, 2022, 03:54:13 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking DogFor Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he talks a load of lies! He's never been out of the backyard'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 21, 2022, 11:41:36 AM
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things,
thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked
down and saw that it was good.

 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the toilet, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

So, if you find as you age you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 21, 2022, 12:16:20 PM
That is no JOKE!


Found that out about 15 years ago.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on January 21, 2022, 12:28:08 PM
That is no JOKE!


Found that out about 15 years ago.

I resemble that remark!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 21, 2022, 04:39:29 PM
It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 21, 2022, 04:40:38 PM
It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on January 21, 2022, 05:03:12 PM
It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.

That's my problem, by the time I circle 3x the wife asks what I'm looking for and comes to my rescue, if I can remember what I was looking for. ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ironman482 on January 21, 2022, 05:36:59 PM
I confer with 4 out of 3 people have trouble with math.
  there's only three kinds of people,those that can count ,and those that can't.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 21, 2022, 05:48:35 PM
I've discovered the FASTEST liquid in the World!
It's Milk!
It is pasteurized before you even see it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on January 21, 2022, 08:43:54 PM
She has three children, one of each.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on January 21, 2022, 09:37:14 PM
She has three children, one of each.

That must be an old joke. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 21, 2022, 09:40:26 PM
She has three children, one of each.

That must be an old joke.
More like a sign of the times....  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on January 21, 2022, 09:54:17 PM
She has three children, one of each.

That must be an old joke.
More like a sign of the times....  :o

In these times "three" comes way short of one of each.  :(
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 22, 2022, 01:28:25 AM
It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.

I think most people these days suffer from CMJS, Cain't Member Jack Squat. Curly said it best: I'm trying to think but nuttin happens.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on January 22, 2022, 12:52:48 PM
A sawhorse.
Past tense of Seahorse.

A friend of mine named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people he had walked 5 miles everyday.
He was so upset today.
he ran over 5 miles.
 
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 22, 2022, 01:33:50 PM
It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.

I think most people these days suffer from CMJS, Cain't Member Jack Squat. Curly said it best: I'm trying to think but nuttin happens.
I call it CRS!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on January 22, 2022, 01:46:10 PM
It's all BS.... by the time I finally get to the standing position, I forget why.

I think most people these days suffer from CMJS, Cain't Member Jack Squat. Curly said it best: I'm trying to think but nuttin happens.
I call it CRS!
It's the early stages of CRAFT
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 22, 2022, 05:50:25 PM
An avid hiker was trekking through the rural areas of the Southern US on a 3 month excursion, carrying his most basic necessities in a backpack and sleeping most nights under the open skies.

One evening, as he was passing a farm, it began to rain. The skies were dark and he knew he’d be in for a cold and wet night sleeping outdoors, so he decided to make his way to the farmhouse and ask for accommodations for the night.

He knocked on the farmer’s door and asked,

Hiker: “Hello, sir. I am hiking across the state and usually I sleep outside, but with the rain coming down, I wonder if I might be able to sleep in your barn tonight? In return, I have a gift for understanding animals and I will speak to yours and learn what they need to be more productive for your farm.”

Farmer: “You say you can talk to the animals, huh? Well, I don’t see the harm in that, so help yourself and have a good night.”

As promised the hiker spent a dry night in the farmer’s barn, chatting to the animals and learning all about their life on the farm. The next morning, the farmer came to the barn to check on his guest.

Farmer: “So, how did it go last night? Talk to the animals?”

Hiker: “Yes, sir. First, I spoke to the cows and they said that you milk them every day and it makes their udders sore. They said if you tried milking them every other day, they would be less stressed and give you more milk.”

Farmer: “You don’t say! I thought they weren’t giving enough milk and now I know why!”

Hiker: “Then, I talked to the chickens. They said that every day you take all of their eggs and it stresses them. They said they could give more eggs if you just took them every other day instead.”

Farmer: “Thanks! I’ll try that!”

Hiker: “Finally, I talked to the sheep and___”

Farmer: “DON’T LISTEN TO THE SHEEP, THEY’RE LIARS!!!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 22, 2022, 06:49:43 PM
I'm waiting to see the movie "Reverse Exorcist"

I heard it's where Satan tells the Priest to Get out of the boy!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 22, 2022, 06:54:40 PM
Ohhh.. Ho...Ho!
that is DEEP.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on January 22, 2022, 07:57:17 PM
Ohhh.. Ho...Ho!
that is DEEP.  ;)
Naaaahhh! Too easy!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 24, 2022, 11:20:51 AM
Q.   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?   
A.      A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...' 
     A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this stuff!

Q   How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? 

A.     Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO

Q.   What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A.      The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe

Q.   Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
    Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?   
A.       Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lani52 on January 24, 2022, 11:38:39 AM
On a rainy day, a man walks into a bar, followed by three ducks.

He sears seats himself at the bar and the ducks seat themselves on stools beside him.

The bartender and the only other patron laugh to themselves.

After finishing his drink, the man with the ducks asks if the bartender would watch the ducks while he uses the restroom.  The bartender agrees.  After a minute the bartender jokeingly asks the first duck his name, the duck replies,” I am Larry.”

The bartender amassed at a talking duck, asks Larry the duck how his day is going, Larry replies,”well it is raining , and ducks love water.” “I have been in and out of puddles all day and loving it.”

The bartender turns to the middle duck and asks his name and how his day is going?  The duck answers, “I am Curly and I love the rain and have been in puddles most of the day.”

The bartender then turns to the last duck and says, “you must be Moe, are you having a great day too?”

The last duck snaps a angry answer,  “No I am not Moe, my name is Puddles, and I am having a terrible day.”

Regards,

Roachcreek
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on January 24, 2022, 12:54:02 PM
What's the difference in a Yankee, a darn Yankee, and a Good Ole' Boy/Girl?

A Yankee is someone from up north who comes down and visits during the cold winter months.

A darn Yankee is a northerner who retires, moves down south and tells everyone how they do things up north.

A Good Ole' Boy/Girl is a northerner who visits once, marries a darn Yankee widow/widower and moves back north permanently.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 24, 2022, 07:45:05 PM
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 24, 2022, 07:46:15 PM
If Tomato Paste is slippery and Peanut Butter is sticky,
Why is it not called Tomato Butter and Peanut Paste?
 :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on January 24, 2022, 08:03:00 PM
If Tomato Paste is slippery and Peanut Butter is sticky,
Why is it not called Tomato Butter and Peanut Paste?
 :o

Same guy said to park in the driveway, and drive on the parkway.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilemail on January 25, 2022, 10:41:49 PM
I have often wondered why they call cupboards "cubbards" but they don't call clipboards "clibbards".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on January 25, 2022, 11:15:28 PM
They're, their, there now.  We'll have none of that. :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on January 26, 2022, 08:31:42 AM
They're, their, there now.  We'll have none of that. :o

They're no their there.  ;)  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 26, 2022, 11:54:35 AM
The two went to too
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on January 26, 2022, 12:04:49 PM
https://youtu.be/apIBYBLjJKc (https://youtu.be/apIBYBLjJKc)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on January 26, 2022, 01:42:12 PM
That's funny, I don't care who you are.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 26, 2022, 01:58:53 PM
That's funny, I don't care who you are.
+1
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 29, 2022, 04:14:42 PM
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.
It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting."
But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.
The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs."

-----------

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out... How do you know they're having sex?

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on January 31, 2022, 09:03:56 AM
My wife says a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

I started a 30 day diet, so far I've lost 15 days!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jjohnsonlta on January 31, 2022, 09:52:53 AM

HAVE EVERYTHING I WANTED AS TEENAGER, ONLY 60 YEARS LATER 🥳

 I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation. The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it". I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 31, 2022, 03:10:13 PM
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

(Get your Japanese accent ready...)

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on January 31, 2022, 04:23:46 PM
<GROAN>
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 31, 2022, 05:05:06 PM
First time I ever read a joke that was a joke. :-\
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: TennX on January 31, 2022, 06:34:16 PM
This is funny….

Elderly couple texting
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send meyour smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 02, 2022, 01:54:07 PM
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the *(&^ were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the Mail man drops dead on the front doorstep...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on February 03, 2022, 11:38:43 AM
TennX   I'm laughing so hard now I have a tear to send.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on February 03, 2022, 11:55:52 AM
Bob called into his boss, John and told him he wouldn't be able to make it into work as he had a terrible migraine.

John said, "Bob, I'm sorry to hear that.  Here's what I do when I wake up with a migraine and it's always gotten rid of them for me.  First off I force myself to get up and then get a steaming hot shower.  Then I have a light breakfast and hot coffee.  And finally he said I have wild passionate sex with my wife.  After that I'm good to go for the rest of the day!"

Bob didn't want to disappoint his boss, and he really wanted to get rid of the headache, so he said, "Well thanks boss, I'll try that and see if it works for me."

John replied,  "Try it I'm sure it'll work for you, it always has for me, and besides I really need you here today.  The auditors are coming today and I really need you here!"

Bob knew his boss really needed him so he said, "Sure boss, I'll try it and if it works, I'll be right in."

A couple of hours passed and Bob called his boss,  "Hey John, you were right, I did exactly what you said and my headache is gone.  I'll be in right away to help with the audit.  Oh, bye the way, you have a lovely house." :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 03, 2022, 01:25:35 PM
A young woman goes to Doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me senseless”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just drink some water and hold it in your mouth. Hold it in, but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I kept a mouthful of water and held it till he slept. And he didn’t touch me.”

Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 03, 2022, 03:50:30 PM
150,000 battered women this year alone...
...and all this time I been eating 'em raw.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on February 04, 2022, 05:42:41 PM
Scott like our pres said about domestic violence we gotta keep punching at it and punching at it and punching at it. :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on February 04, 2022, 05:46:17 PM
 ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on February 04, 2022, 06:33:42 PM
Scott like our pres said about domestic violence we gotta keep punching at it and punching at it and punching at it. :P
Yeah, but we'll punch in a friendly, caring way ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 04, 2022, 06:54:14 PM
Nick Cage said it best...
Put your right foot in, pull your right foot out.....   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on February 04, 2022, 06:54:47 PM
Ponderings...
If someone gets whacked with a firearm, is it assault with a deadly weapon?...
Since the Twilight Zone is when you're not on the inside looking out, or on the outside looking in; but somewhere in-between-I've figured out how to get there! Stand  sideways in a doorway.... 
Jesse

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 05, 2022, 11:49:54 AM
I think that my neighbor is made at me. After our last conversation he said #$%^^ ^&*# then walked away.

I don't know why. I saw him out in the yard with a Shar Pei puppy. That's the dog with more skin than muscle and bone. It's the one with a lot of wrinkles. It's the breed that requires a lot of ironing.

Anyway, I said, "looks like you got a new dog."

He replied, "Yes. I got it for my wife."

All I said was, "It looks like you got a good trade." Then he cussed at me and walked away.

I guess some people don't know how to take a compliment.

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/65/a6/60/65a660bdfc4b1d0fd28d1b02636f9a33.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 05, 2022, 12:05:03 PM
(https://shareitsfunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/lost-puppy.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 05, 2022, 12:18:33 PM
(https://shareitsfunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/lost-puppy.jpg)

I just spit my coffee out!  Good one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 05, 2022, 12:38:44 PM

I just spit my coffee out!  Good one!


My day is complete.
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 07, 2022, 11:52:38 AM

Senior Inspiration
1. My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ....

2. Ate salad for dinner …Mostly croutons & tomatoes.  Really just  one big, round crouton covered with tomato
   sauce ... And  cheese... FINE, it  was a pizza... I ate a pizza.

3. How to  prepare Tofu:
       a) Throw it in the trash.
       b) Grill some Meat.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking  into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag but… I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than  men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to
   change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed  school?  Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this.

11 I love being over 70 … I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him.

13. My dentist told me I need a Crown … I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks”.

14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

 "Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 07, 2022, 01:20:17 PM
thanks Robert, i'll be using these.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 08, 2022, 12:25:21 PM
A red hair Viking named Rudolph goes to his window and says
"Tonight it will rain!"

His wife then asks how can he be sure?

He replies
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 08, 2022, 12:33:27 PM
Saturday morning, I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on February 08, 2022, 12:43:40 PM
An elderly couple were having their 50th wedding anniversary.  The entire family was there and lots of guests. 

The oldest son had just finished giving a little speech about the milestone that they had reached, and truly remarkable it was.  He invited his father to come up and give a few words of wisdom about how others could also do the same.

The father refused and the entire assembly started shouting for a speech, again he refused, and the crowd got louder.  Finally the son went over and grabbed his father and escorted him to the podium.

The old man started to say something, but broke down instead.  The son assured him, and asked him to continue.  He started to speak, but again he broke down.  This time the daughter went up and stood with her father and brother.  She said, "Dad we know this is a very emotional time for you, but you really should say a few words on your 50th anniversary."

Finally the old man gathered him self and looked at his wife sitting at the table next to the podium.  He said, "Do you remember when your dad, the County Sherriff caught us fooling around out in the hay loft?"  He pointed his shotgun at me and told me, "You can either marry my daughter or do 50 years of hard labor.  Today, I would have been a FREE MAN!"

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 08, 2022, 02:49:47 PM
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: "Denise."

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs "Denephew."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 08, 2022, 03:29:50 PM
Saturday morning, I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my GF back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now?”

Fixed it for ya
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 10, 2022, 12:08:41 PM
Hollywood Squares - Those were the days. Hard to believe they did not know the questions beforehand!  Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knott: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married.

A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 

Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

 

Q. Paul, why do *(&^'s Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on February 10, 2022, 03:17:02 PM
Not sure if these have already been posted, but:

If you get a message from me concerning canned meat, don’t open it.
It’s Spam

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

I was going to tell a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.
Jesse
PS-thanks to the mod who removed my last post here-saw it missing and it hit me right off  :P
Whoops  :-\

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on February 10, 2022, 04:22:15 PM
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?



They taste funny!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 10, 2022, 04:44:42 PM
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?



They taste funny!
Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on February 10, 2022, 06:28:32 PM
 
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?



They taste funny!
Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.

 :P Bill, how long have you been waiting to use that one?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on February 10, 2022, 08:07:48 PM
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?



They taste funny!
Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.

And some Cilantro to make it taste awesome!  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 11, 2022, 11:30:24 AM
An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...
and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologist, whose name was Benjamin, cowered in terror as the genie fumed before him, hoping that the genie's rage might be sated without him ending up dead.

"Fine," the genie grumbled finally after a tense silence. "I will let you live, with one condition. You must not shave or cut the hair on your head, for when you do, I will turn you into an urn just like the one from which I came. Remember! I will not forget."


As Benjamin timidly removed his arm from his face, he saw a flash of light, and *poof* the genie was no more, and only the urn remained to remind him of the curse that had been placed upon him.


Finishing up his business at the dig site, he returned home to his job in artifact restoration at a museum in the city where he lived. The genie's urn he had left in the tomb where it lay, sealing the room shut when the expedition had left.


After many years had passed, Benjamin began to have difficulty dealing with his hair. A scraggly mustache and beard drooped down his chin to his chest, and his shoulder-length hair was a constant irritation whenever he looked in the mirror.

Finally, after a day of itching and scratching at his face and head, he gave up.

"Surely the genie will not carry out the curse. Maybe if I just trimmed my beard a bit, he would let me alone."


The next few minutes found Benjamin in his bathroom facing the mirror, scissors in hand. Taking a deep breath, he placed the scissors close to his chin to cut off the ends of his beard. His hand began to close, and just as the first few strands of hair were severed from his body---


"**FOOL!** You ignored my command, and for that, you shall *die*!" shouted the genie, who appeared out of nowhere.


Suddenly, Benjamin was no more, and all that was left was an ancient-looking urn on the ground where his feet had been planted.

And that was the end of Benjamin.


Now, what can we learn from this sad, sad tale?

...


...


...

*A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned.*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on February 11, 2022, 11:37:11 AM
An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...
and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologist, whose name was Benjamin, cowered in terror as the genie fumed before him, hoping that the genie's rage might be sated without him ending up dead.

"Fine," the genie grumbled finally after a tense silence. "I will let you live, with one condition. You must not shave or cut the hair on your head, for when you do, I will turn you into an urn just like the one from which I came. Remember! I will not forget."


As Benjamin timidly removed his arm from his face, he saw a flash of light, and *poof* the genie was no more, and only the urn remained to remind him of the curse that had been placed upon him.


Finishing up his business at the dig site, he returned home to his job in artifact restoration at a museum in the city where he lived. The genie's urn he had left in the tomb where it lay, sealing the room shut when the expedition had left.


After many years had passed, Benjamin began to have difficulty dealing with his hair. A scraggly mustache and beard drooped down his chin to his chest, and his shoulder-length hair was a constant irritation whenever he looked in the mirror.

Finally, after a day of itching and scratching at his face and head, he gave up.

"Surely the genie will not carry out the curse. Maybe if I just trimmed my beard a bit, he would let me alone."


The next few minutes found Benjamin in his bathroom facing the mirror, scissors in hand. Taking a deep breath, he placed the scissors close to his chin to cut off the ends of his beard. His hand began to close, and just as the first few strands of hair were severed from his body---


"**FOOL!** You ignored my command, and for that, you shall *die*!" shouted the genie, who appeared out of nowhere.


Suddenly, Benjamin was no more, and all that was left was an ancient-looking urn on the ground where his feet had been planted.

And that was the end of Benjamin.


Now, what can we learn from this sad, sad tale?

...


...


...

*A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned.*



After that - PLEASE CUT YOUR HAIR!!! ;D :-*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 11, 2022, 01:30:54 PM
OH GROAN!!!

.... but I am gonna use that one.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 11, 2022, 01:43:11 PM
OH GROAN!!!




Sorry, I'll go to my room now.  🤭
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 11, 2022, 09:43:58 PM
And make sure your nose is kept in the corner for the next hour!!! 😜
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 12, 2022, 09:22:35 AM
Awww, Robert, I had not thought about that in about 60 years.
There was a smudge mark in the corner in my room.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 12, 2022, 10:40:55 AM
Found an old record in a second hand shop that said Sounds Wasps Make.
Bought it and took it home, put it on the record player and thought, that does not sound like a wasp.
Then I realized I was playing the B side.




Here are two unwritten rules.


1.______________________

2.______________________

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 14, 2022, 12:38:37 AM
This guy walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out  of work, as he steps up to the bar he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots, he had a frown on his face.

“What’s with the long face Joe?” he asks.

Joe responds, “My wife told me today that she was only going to have sex with me on Mondays, and Thursdays!”

“Well,” said the friend, “That’s not that bad, some of us she has cut off completely.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 17, 2022, 08:24:56 PM
Someone told me you have to drive with your headlights on if it is raining is Sweden.
How the *&&@ am I supposed to know if it is raining in Sweden.


I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person.
All these years I thought he was a theoretical scientist.


The devil whispered in my ear "You are not strong enough to weather the storm".
I whispered back, " Love your eggs".





Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on February 17, 2022, 08:57:39 PM

The devil whispered in my ear "You are not strong enough to weather the storm".
I whispered back, " Love your eggs".


Gary

BWWAAAHHHAAHHAAA! You had me there with that one!  ;D ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 18, 2022, 02:29:10 PM



The devil whispered in my ear "You are not strong enough to weather the storm".
I whispered back, " Love your eggs".





Gary

My wife has that T shirt.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 18, 2022, 08:26:51 PM
Oh My Gosh... I didn't get it until asking for help I read it out loud. ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on February 18, 2022, 10:10:08 PM
Oh My Gosh... I didn't get it until asking for help I read it out loud. ;D
ju gotta be quick, compadre! (Like when you picked up that Silver Streak!)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 18, 2022, 10:18:19 PM
I may be a little "dim" some times.
 ::)


(https://assets.taraenergy.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/different-types-of-light-bulbs-man-holding-bulb-photo.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 18, 2022, 11:09:09 PM
A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he begins composing a mental list all the things he will never be able to enjoy again.... wine...women...song... By far the most painful thing to accept is that he will never have sex with a woman again.
One day, sitting at the fire beside the little dog, the man's eyes widen abruptly and he looks up the side of the mountain at the herd of sheep. Why, yes, why not? Who would ever know?
He goes up the mountain, picks out a particularly docile looking ewe, walks up behind her and lowers his trousers. Just as he does so the Chihuahua begins yapping frantically, dancing around him, and nipping at his ankles. Nothing he does or says will make the dog stop. After several minutes of trying to quiet the Chihuahua he gives up on the ewe. The mood is spoiled.
He tries again, multiple times over the next few weeks and months, but it's always the same. The Chihuahua is always underfoot, driving him to distraction. Eventually he abandons the idea entirely.
One day, out on the horizon, he sees a ship going down--same reef that doomed his ship. He watches it sink, there's nothing he can do. The next day while walking the beach searching through the debris that is washing up he discovers a woman, half in/half out of the water, barely alive.
She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen!
He quickly clears the sand and seaweed from her mouth and restores her breathing. He carries her back to his camp and nurses her carefully.
She is unconscious for several days. When at last she is awake and able to speak she looks him over and says," I am so grateful for all you have done for me...you saved my life...I don't know if I can ever repay you, but I want you to know that I will do anything to try...and I do mean anything..."
The man thinks for a moment, then his eyes widen abruptly, and he asks," Would you mind babysitting this Chihuahua for about 5 minutes?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 19, 2022, 02:07:57 PM
A pirate walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender is amazed by this, seeing an actual pirate. So he asks;
"Is that a real hook on your hand?"
"Aye, I were in a duel with me ol' nemesis, and lost me hand in the struggle."
The bartender is shocked, and continues by asking;
"Is that a real pegleg?"
"Aye, tis. I was out at sea, 'nd our ship were fired upon. Lost me leg in the crossfire."
The bartender couldnt believe it! A real pirate! So he asks him;
"How about your eyepatch? How did you get that?"
"Arr, I was just getting to shore, when a seagull pooped in me eye."
"And you lost your eye from that?"
"No, I just still wasn't used to the hook."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 19, 2022, 02:34:35 PM
a pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm checked.
the dr. says "they're benign".
the pirate replies, "no, thar be 11, i counted 'm me self this morning".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 19, 2022, 04:25:40 PM
Why can't Pirates play cards?
Because the Captain is standing on the deck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 19, 2022, 06:15:44 PM
Why is it so hard for a pirate to learn the alphabet?


Because they spend so much time at "C".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on February 19, 2022, 07:16:35 PM
A pirate walks into a bar.
He has a ship's helm wheel on his belt buckle.
So, the bartender says "Hey, Popeye, what's the deal with the ships wheel on your belt buckle??"

The pirate replies...."Arrrrrrgghhhh... it drives me nuts..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on February 20, 2022, 07:28:34 AM
What's a Pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

No it's not AARRRGH....

Tis the "C"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bimota on February 20, 2022, 03:47:02 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/NTR7NdX.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on February 20, 2022, 09:38:06 PM
(https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/08-Short-Jokes-Anyone-Can-Remember-nicole-fornabaio-rd.com_.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on February 22, 2022, 08:57:32 AM
My wife says that we have reached the Wonder Years.

We wonder where we parked the car.

We wonder where we left the phone.

We wonder where our glasses are.

We wonder what day it is.

We wonder why we walk into the room....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on February 22, 2022, 09:49:08 AM


Yesterday, my daughter emailed me, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.


"Like sitting around the pool, drinking beer & wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.

So, I did and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an email saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 70-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled; "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

"Oh man, am I in trouble?" I said; "I signed up and prepaid for three jumps a week!

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen may not be getting any easier, but it can be fun.

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mr.P on February 22, 2022, 11:24:51 AM
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?



Aye, matie

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 22, 2022, 12:29:14 PM
So I was just told 'running naked' means not having a phone or GPS or any other electronic device with you.
Wish I known that half an hour ago.


Has anyone looked into exploding other foods to make them better or are we stopping at popcorn.


And in closing I would like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always at my side and my fingers-I could always count on them.

 Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 22, 2022, 01:52:17 PM





So there's this sailor with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on February 22, 2022, 10:17:15 PM
That one made me laugh out loud!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 23, 2022, 12:20:44 AM
https://youtu.be/iFO4d_CtRA4
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on February 23, 2022, 10:37:54 AM
Isn’t it ironic that procrastination is something you can do immediately?

If anyone one knows off any great sausage, chain or golf course web sites please send me a link.

Police have confirmed the man who jumped from the top floor of a nightclub was not a bouncer.

I have started my exercise program with two sets of crunches a day.
Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 23, 2022, 12:03:52 PM
"
Police have confirmed the man who jumped from the top floor of a nightclub was not a bouncer"

LoL!!🤣🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 23, 2022, 01:16:20 PM
me too 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 26, 2022, 12:23:53 PM
A mobster puts out a contract on someone who is causing him problems. No one in his outfit wants the job so it calls to an underling named Artie who isn't too bright. They tell Artie they will pay him a dollar to rub out the guy.

They send Artie out and he finds a guy and chokes him dead. His boss later says that was the wrong guy and again, Artie goes out and Chokes another only to discover that again, it was the wrong guy.

They next drive Artie to where the guy is and again, Artie Chokes him and gets his dollar.

The next day, Artie is reading the paper and falls over thinking he has been discovered.
Artie reads: Artichokes-3 for a dollar in the produce section.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 26, 2022, 01:33:29 PM
😬🤭😒😪😔😴
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on February 27, 2022, 10:07:50 AM
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?



They taste funny!
Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.

And some Cilantro to make it taste awesome!  :P
I was 62 years old before I found out that Cilantro didn't taste like soap to everyone. I thought you people were crazy.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 27, 2022, 02:00:10 PM
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

“*(&^,” he said, ”I can’t get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 27, 2022, 02:10:01 PM
Despite it being a cold case,
Police are continuing to investigate the theft of frozen meat.


The police arrested a road worker for theft today.
When they got to his house, all the signs were there.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on February 27, 2022, 02:49:59 PM
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?



They taste funny!
Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.

And some Cilantro to make it taste awesome!  :P
I was 62 years old before I found out that Cilantro didn't taste like soap to everyone. I thought you people were crazy.

Dang, depending on Ethnicity 4-17% of people think it taste like soap.  The rest love it.  Soapy to me and my wife.  We neither one like beets, think they taste like dirt.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 27, 2022, 02:58:21 PM
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

“*(&^,” he said, ”I can’t get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”

 ;D :D ;D
LIKED AND SHARED!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on February 27, 2022, 02:59:56 PM


Dang, depending on Ethnicity 4-17% of people think it taste like soap.  The rest love it.  Soapy to me and my wife.  We neither one like beets, think they taste like dirt.

WOW! My exact description of BOTH !!
(German/English ancestry..)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on February 27, 2022, 03:01:39 PM
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

“*(&^,” he said, ”I can’t get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”

I WOULD say that I am lucky that my wife's panties fit me, but y'all would look at me funny.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on February 27, 2022, 03:04:18 PM
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?



They taste funny!
Put a little Frank's on them and they ain't that bad..... I put that s$() on everything.

And some Cilantro to make it taste awesome!  :P
I was 62 years old before I found out that Cilantro didn't taste like soap to everyone. I thought you people were crazy.

A little goes a LOOOOONG way!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 27, 2022, 03:32:55 PM



I WOULD say that I am lucky that my wife's panties fit me, but y'all would look at me funny.....

Ron, look at you funny - and point and laugh too!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on February 27, 2022, 04:30:05 PM



I WOULD say that I am lucky that my wife's panties fit me, but y'all would look at me funny.....

Ron, look at you funny - and point and laugh too!

Well.............they do that....anyway !!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on February 27, 2022, 05:17:00 PM
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

“*(&^,” he said, ”I can’t get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”

I WOULD say that I am lucky that my wife's panties fit me, but y'all would look at me funny.....

Ronno, we are laughing AT you, not WITH you!! ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on February 27, 2022, 07:09:02 PM
Soap and dirt... Yupper, they taste like that to me as well.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 27, 2022, 07:51:36 PM
Soap and dirt... Yupper, they taste like that to me as well.


Women's panties???😱😳🧐🧐🧐
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 28, 2022, 09:37:22 PM
A Mexican woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, She responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”
“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”
The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”
Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”
The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”
“Anything, my child.”
“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 10, 2022, 04:11:50 PM
One day, the local Priest was taking care of some Church business at the Bank.  As he turned to leave the Bank, a young woman, in her mid-twenties, walked up to him and said:  Hello, Father.  Do you recognize me?
The Priest prided himself on being able to recognize all his congregation members.  But he was having a problem recognizing this woman.  Finally he admitted to her that he did not know who she was.
The young woman said:  Well, I have put on a little weight since the last time you saw me.  You were the priest that Baptized me. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on March 10, 2022, 09:36:34 PM
An officer on patrol notices a vehicle pulled off to the curb in an area known for speeders; he stops and observes the suspicious vehicle for a while. Shortly; a speeder zooms past the parked vehicle-the driver of said vehicle immediately starts flashing his headlights; and tears out after the speeder-while howling out the window wEE-OOh wEE-OOh wEE-OOh at the top of his lungs...
Upon pulling the suspicious vehicle over; the patrolman begins to cite the driver for impersonating an officer-to which he develops a pout and replies-
But I'm a police car!....
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 12, 2022, 03:51:45 PM
A Red Ship and a Blue Ship collided at Sea.
The Crews ended up marooned!

Wife was not impressed when I took her to see a 4 member Rock Band that makes no sound.
Should have just told her We were going to Mt. Rushmore.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 12, 2022, 08:15:12 PM
A Red Ship and a Blue Ship collided at Sea.
The Crews ended up marooned!

Considering I work in a "Color House".. that is friggin Hilarious and is going on my company email signature!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 13, 2022, 11:51:45 AM
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 13, 2022, 11:56:51 AM
BWA-HA-HAAAAA!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 13, 2022, 12:12:57 PM
My ability to remember 80’s song lyrics far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen!

Funny but true.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 13, 2022, 01:06:43 PM
My ability to remember 80’s song lyrics far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen!

Funny but true.
YEP!!! Even 60's , and 70's too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 13, 2022, 01:22:17 PM

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 13, 2022, 02:14:04 PM
I've got a scary one for ya. True story, back in the early 90's I was riding my MC down Chicago street about 2 miles from my home at the time and all of a sudden I didn't know where I am.😱😱😳☹️
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on March 13, 2022, 04:36:40 PM
This is how I feel at the end of the season when I haven't filled my tag.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/64z39tGPPj8 (https://www.youtube.com/shorts/64z39tGPPj8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 14, 2022, 08:01:12 PM

Four friends spent weeks planning a perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

“Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed so I did. Then she said, ‘Now, you can do whatever you want.’ So here I am.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 14, 2022, 08:48:46 PM
LOL!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on March 14, 2022, 09:57:32 PM
that happens to me all the time
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 16, 2022, 12:31:40 AM
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


Paddy was in New York ..
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?'



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died.'
'Yes, I saw it' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a change. What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'



Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he
saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 16, 2022, 08:58:22 PM

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 16, 2022, 09:12:10 PM
Walmart Greeter:

 So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day......
 About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, ugly, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart".
"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
 The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'H@!! no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the
other one's 7. Why the h@!! would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
 So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe that anyone would have sex with you twice."

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on March 17, 2022, 12:17:32 AM
Walmart Greeter:

 So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day......
 About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, ugly, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart".
"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
 The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'H@!! no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the
other one's 7. Why the h@!! would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
 So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe that anyone would have sex with you twice."

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Struckat on March 19, 2022, 12:24:55 PM
Fed-Ex tracking said my order would be delivered a day early.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 20, 2022, 09:44:42 PM
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words, “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’
And so, here we are!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 21, 2022, 03:48:29 PM
https://youtu.be/M7xPrf9f7mg
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 25, 2022, 04:16:43 AM
What do dogs do on their day off?🧐🧐🧐😬😗
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 29, 2022, 12:52:35 PM
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document
here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing
work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy.”

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 29, 2022, 01:08:28 PM
😂🤣😂🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on March 30, 2022, 10:16:05 AM
A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A
10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $800 a
week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 03, 2022, 03:58:55 PM
I'm giving away all my dead batteries if anyone wants them!
They're free of charge.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 03, 2022, 08:13:22 PM
A man was chosen for jury service, but he very much wanted to avoid it. He tried every excuse he could think of, but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought ‘He is a crook, he’s guilty, guilty.’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury.”

The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for – a good judge of character.
That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 03, 2022, 08:32:43 PM
A man was chosen for jury service, but he very much wanted to avoid it. He tried every excuse he could think of, but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought ‘He is a crook, he’s guilty, guilty.’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury.”

The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for – a good judge of character.
That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”

I am currently on jury duty, well I am in check in daily status.  :(
If I have to go in it is 28 miles (41 minutes away in light traffic), so I will ride a motorcycle, both to save fuel and make some part of the day enjoyable. In fact I could/might take the long way through/over the mountain instead of the main highway at least on the way home.  8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 05, 2022, 02:46:40 PM
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on April 05, 2022, 08:47:56 PM
LOL! Good one Earl!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on April 05, 2022, 08:55:16 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_jDJvfYEgA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_jDJvfYEgA)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 05, 2022, 09:10:46 PM
Next time I have Monster I am SO trying that!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 05, 2022, 09:48:17 PM
Am I too old to do this at 78 years old.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on April 05, 2022, 10:16:22 PM
Am I too old to do this at 78 years old.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM)
That sure made me laugh.

Just think how much time was wasted lesrning that nonsensical dance,  and think of how how terribly dim the person must have been to think it was okay to do this to that song.

I can just imagine that person probably still needs their fingers to count to 10.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on April 05, 2022, 10:26:42 PM
If I tried to "dance" like that I'd need a chiropractor to set my joints back together...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CG2cux_6Rcw&ab_channel=lethalpanther2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CG2cux_6Rcw&ab_channel=lethalpanther2)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on April 05, 2022, 11:47:20 PM
I was expecting the first girl to trip over the wall. :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 06, 2022, 12:00:06 AM
Am I too old to do this at 78 years old.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQrlBIMTzIM)
That sure made me laugh.

Just think how much time was wasted lesrning that nonsensical dance,  and think of how how terribly dim the person must have been to think it was okay to do this to that song.

I can just imagine that person probably still needs their fingers to count to 10.
It's tap dancing with out the tap shoes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Novagun on April 06, 2022, 01:33:13 AM
An old lady decided to do a jig saw puzzle of a rooster.. She tipped all the pieces out on the table and spread them about. Try as she might she could not see anything that looked like the start of the puzzle. So she went next door to her friend and asked if she would come over and give her some help. Back they went to the house and sat down at the kitchen table. The friend said " I think we should have a cup of tea first." So they had a nice cup of tea and contemplated the puzzle.  Then the friend said, "I think we should put the corn flakes back in the box."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 06, 2022, 10:50:47 AM
Speaking of jig saw puzzles I am rather good at them.
Just finished one in only three months, it said 5-8 years on the box.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You can't.
You get down from a duck.


Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 06, 2022, 11:33:00 AM

 What word starts with an 'F'?
 


A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks,was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks finally had enough and took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office the teacher explained the situation to the principal.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.

If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'You know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal,'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..
'The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.

Harry replied:'Pockets’ to the Principal’s great relief.

Ms. Brooks:'What does a dog do that a man steps into?
'Harry: 'Pants.'

By now the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,"Put the little s**t in 5th grade,  I got the last five questions wrong myself”!

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 07, 2022, 03:14:57 PM
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the exam was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor said, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jsk68 on April 07, 2022, 04:04:55 PM
This is actually a riddle but i thought someone may find it amusing.


Three guys were planning a fishing trip so they called a campground to reserve a cabin, the manager told them it was slow so he'd give them the cabin for $25 instead of $30 the normal price.

So they headed out and when they arrived at the campground they went to the office to pay but when they got there the manager wasn't in but the assistant manager was and didn't know about the discount so he charged them $30 so each man paid $10.

Later the manager came back and found out the 3 men had showed up, he asked the assistant how much he charged and was told $30, he told the assistant that he quoted them $25 over the phone and gave him 5 ones to refund the men.

The assistant took the money and along the way he thought how do I split 5 ones three ways? so decided to just give each man 1 dollar back and he'd pocket the other 2, so he refunded each 1 dollar that means they each paid 9 dollars and the assistant had the other 2 in his pocket.

9x3 is 27 + the 2 in the assistants pocket is 29, where did the other dollar go?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 07, 2022, 04:34:46 PM
This is actually a riddle but i thought someone may find it amusing.


Three guys were planning a fishing trip so they called a campground to reserve a cabin, the manager told them it was slow so he'd give them the cabin for $25 instead of $30 the normal price.

So they headed out and when they arrived at the campground they went to the office to pay but when they got there the manager wasn't in but the assistant manager was and didn't know about the discount so he charged them $30 so each man paid $10.

Later the manager came back and found out the 3 men had showed up, he asked the assistant how much he charged and was told $30, he told the assistant that he quoted them $25 over the phone and gave him 5 ones to refund the men.

The assistant took the money and along the way he thought how do I split 5 ones three ways? so decided to just give each man 1 dollar back and he'd pocket the other 2, so he refunded each 1 dollar that means they each paid 9 dollars and the assistant had the other 2 in his pocket.

9x3 is 27 + the 2 in the assistants pocket is 29, where did the other dollar go?

$30-$5=$25 not $27    So  $25+3=$28+$2=$30
The men didn’t pay $30 for the room, they paid $25 so no money is missing, numbers don’t lie, but people confuse easily adding or subtracting the wrong thing. Working retail I saw it many times.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 07, 2022, 04:39:09 PM
The 3 men actually paid $28/3=$9.33 each for their room, not $9.00.
$30-$2 = $28 for the room.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jsk68 on April 07, 2022, 04:49:43 PM
yeah it's one of those riddles that are better to tell at the bar than write down on a forum lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 07, 2022, 04:53:57 PM
Even if each man paid $9.33 there is still money missing.
3 x 9.33 + 2 = 29.99.   
Penny for your thoughts?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jsk68 on April 07, 2022, 04:57:46 PM
since there's no way to divide a penny 3 ways I guess the manager makes off with the penny.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 07, 2022, 05:09:59 PM
The 3 men actually paid $28/3=$9.33 each for their room, not $9.00.
$30-$2 = $28 for the room.

They had paid $30! $5 was refunded so they did pay $25, then $5 was split 4 ways $1+$1+$1+$2
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 10, 2022, 02:42:49 PM
I've been terrified of elevators for year!
So I've always taken steps to avoid them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on April 10, 2022, 04:50:56 PM
I've been terrified of elevators for year!
So I've always taken steps to avoid them.

They are OK, they have their ups and downs...  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 10, 2022, 06:28:43 PM
I've been terrified of elevators for year!
So I've always taken steps to avoid them.
Healthier! What is the saying, you gane 1 second of life for every step you climb?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on April 10, 2022, 06:33:05 PM
Before crow bars were invented,
where did crows go for drinks?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on April 11, 2022, 02:37:50 PM
...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 11, 2022, 02:53:31 PM
Before crow bars were invented,
where did crows go for drinks?
Don't expect an answer. I asked what dogs do on their day off and I'm still waiting for someone to tell me.🫣😗😗
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jsk68 on April 11, 2022, 04:28:38 PM
what do dogs do on their day off ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 11, 2022, 05:17:36 PM
I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.
Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 11, 2022, 06:52:21 PM
what do dogs do on their day off ?
Yep 👍
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 12, 2022, 06:41:29 AM
what do dogs do on their day off ?
Yep 👍

I thought I answered that...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 12, 2022, 11:43:23 AM
what do dogs do on their day off ?
Yep 👍

I thought I answered that...

🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣😄😄
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jsk68 on April 12, 2022, 01:17:11 PM
what do dogs do on their day off ?
Yep 👍

I thought I answered that...

lol he may need more than 1 day off.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 12, 2022, 07:18:40 PM
They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.
They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 12, 2022, 08:05:46 PM
No shoes, no shirt, no service!  Never mentioned pants.🤪
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 13, 2022, 10:37:24 AM
We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality
pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last
purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up
to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"

"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 13, 2022, 04:41:31 PM
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn’t read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 13, 2022, 09:40:10 PM
#LIKE!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on April 13, 2022, 10:00:09 PM
An atheist was walking thru the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look & saw a 7’ grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He ran faster, then… he tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him w/its left paw & raising the right paw to strike.

At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh, my God!”

Time Stopped… The bear froze… The forest was silent...

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky …

"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident! Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I now to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

After a seemingly long pause, God says, "Very well."

The light went out & the sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right arm, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty thru Christ our Lord. Amen."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jsk68 on April 13, 2022, 11:11:55 PM
A hiker a priest and the smartest man in the world were on a plane when the engines died, the pilot steps out of the cockpit and says, sorry guys were going down and we only have 3 parachutes.
They all look at each other and the hiker volunteers to stay behind, so the pilot jumps then the smartest man in the world then the priest turns to the hiker and says do you have any last words? He said no but the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 14, 2022, 08:41:14 AM
Just goes to show you, even the smartest men in the world can lack common sense...  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 14, 2022, 11:51:08 PM
Just goes to show you, even the smartest men in the world can lack common sense...  ;)

YES!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on April 15, 2022, 09:44:59 AM
An ophthalmologist, accountant and an attorney were playing golf one day and wanted to play through another group of golfers on the ninth hole.  The second group was moving very slow.

As the trio of first golfers started to discuss the prospect of playing through, their Caddy politely asked them to reconsider and patiently wait for the second group to play ahead.

A little disturbed at their Caddy, the trio asked why they couldn’t play through since this second group was playing at the pace of peanut butter sliding down a windowpane.

The Caddy explained that the second group of golfers were all blind.  They had lost their eyesight in an explosion caused by a fire at the old clubhouse a few decades earlier.  Prior to losing their eyesight these men were avid golfers like the trio the Caddy was addressing.

Because of their valiant efforts to save the clubhouse, the country club gave the blind golfers a lifetime membership with all fees waived.  So, the blind golfers come out to the course to play occasionally with their swings aided and adjusted by suggestions from their respective caddies. 

As a courtesy to the blind golfers all sighted members of the country club respectively wait for the other group to move on before continuing their game.

The ophthalmologist was deeply touched by this story.  Moved with compassion he said, “We have some marvelous technology available today that might be able to restore a person’s eyesight.  I’m going to offer my services for free to these gentlemen to see if I can help them see again.  I’m going to seek the assistance of some of my colleagues to do the same.”

Also weighted down with a heavy heart by the poignancy of their story, the accountant offered his services as well.  “I may not be able to do much, but I can give them free accounting services, set up a charity and fund-raising venues to help these brave men in whatever financial challenges they are facing.  I will also set up a college fund for their children.  I’m also going to ask that some of my fellow accountants do the same.”

The attorney asked, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 16, 2022, 12:02:29 PM
>> Dave was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.  He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

>> Dave wanted two things:

>> • to learn how to invest his inheritance and,

>> • to find a wife to share his fortune.

>> One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away     

>> "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

>> Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jsk68 on April 16, 2022, 03:25:21 PM
>> Dave was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.  He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

>> Dave wanted two things:

>> • to learn how to invest his inheritance and,

>> • to find a wife to share his fortune.

>> One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away     

>> "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

>> Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men

lol ouch lol

yeah you want to see a smart man become dumb just add women :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 16, 2022, 07:05:16 PM
All out of jokes... only had 2 left and it is a 3 day weekend...  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on April 17, 2022, 07:02:28 PM
An atheist was walking thru the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look & saw a 7’ grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He ran faster, then… he tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him w/its left paw & raising the right paw to strike.

At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh, my God!”

Time Stopped… The bear froze… The forest was silent...

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky …

"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident! Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I now to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

After a seemingly long pause, God says, "Very well."

The light went out & the sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right arm, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty thru Christ our Lord. Amen."

100 points for this one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 26, 2022, 06:05:09 PM
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose.


===========

I have fond memories of playing with my father. He used to roll us kids down a slight hill inside old car tires.


Ah. Those were the Goodyears
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cwil58 on April 27, 2022, 12:52:29 PM
post 3958 I don't get
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cwil58 on April 27, 2022, 12:58:00 PM
I was at an ATM an old lady ask me to help her check her balance so I pushed her over
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 27, 2022, 01:14:44 PM
We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality
pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last
purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up
to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"

"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."

Gary


post 3958 I don't get

They bought items over the years.
Last thing to be purchased was the bedroom suite
Took them 12 years but finally could buy it.
Delivery guy was thinking they were blaming him for the long wait...
 Get it?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cwil58 on April 27, 2022, 02:09:38 PM
yea ok  :-\
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on April 27, 2022, 10:10:59 PM
I was at an ATM an old lady ask me to help her check her balance so I pushed her over

She asked for it! :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on April 27, 2022, 11:24:54 PM
post 3958 I don't get

Shirley, you jest.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on April 28, 2022, 12:52:23 AM
post 3958 I don't get

Then you definitely won't get this one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on April 28, 2022, 08:49:50 AM
post 3958 I don't get

Shirley, you jest.....

“I am serious — and don't call me Shirley
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on April 30, 2022, 12:41:19 PM
A friend bought a dog from a blacksmith. 10 minutes after he arrived home the dog made  bolt for the door.

Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."Patient - "How much will this cost?"Dentist - "It`ll be $100."Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly.”

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.
She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?"Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear.”

A friend wrote a poem. I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig.
It is a very deep poem.

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?""Yes, it is," came the reply."Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the
phone.”

Difference between a cat and a comma. One has claws at the end of its pause, the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 30, 2022, 02:32:00 PM
Quote
A friend bought a dog from a blacksmith. 10 minutes after he arrived home the dog made  bolt for the door.

I am gonna repeat this.. a lot!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 01, 2022, 12:10:28 PM
What did the drummer call his two twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on May 01, 2022, 04:42:13 PM
What did the drummer call his two twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.

Woulda been better to have asked what Lawrence Welk names his twin daughters.....
Except.............
No one below the age of 65 would get it..........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 02, 2022, 12:47:40 PM
Jack and Bob went skiing. After a few hours of driving north, they got caught up in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered if they could spend the night there. “Oh, it’s such a terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I am recently widowed,” she said, “and I’m afraid of what the neighbor will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said, “We’ll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was the attorney of the attractive widow whose barn they stayed at with Bob. He drove to see his friend and asked him: “Bob, remember nine months ago when we went skiing and stopped over at that beautiful widow’s barn to wait out the bad weather?” “Yes, I do,” said Bob. “Did you get up in the middle of the night, pay her a visit at the house and stay overnight?” Bob, getting a little embarrassed, confirmed that’s what happened. “And did you happen to use my name while you were with her?” “I am sorry buddy, I am afraid I did,” replied Bob whose face turned red by now. “Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything,” exclaimed Jack.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 04, 2022, 09:55:50 AM

How to Sing the Blues

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the
whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the
Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and "Nawlins" are
still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any
place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the
Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a gator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen
to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a
leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are
the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Cherry Johnson or Cripple Peach
Fillmore, etc.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on May 04, 2022, 03:12:23 PM
That is some funny stuff right there!  Thanks for posting, I got a few chuckles.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: azgman on May 04, 2022, 03:44:25 PM
Blind Lemon Chitlin' comes to mind...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 04, 2022, 04:12:12 PM
Don't let anybody tell you that you can't be a blues singer if you were named after a Diet soda from the 70's.
https://youtu.be/s9Cgqce02iw


Real Country music is really just a form of the blues too, and it's pretty easy to turn one into a regular blues song.
https://youtu.be/LT2ThFmT48A
https://youtu.be/FwOAKNaCuwA

Different rules may apply when it comes to names and places, but many of the others still apply.
Same thing, but different person and different instruments.


Instead of having a disability and fruit in your name you often gotta have 2 first names or you gotta make sure you use your middle name or middle initial.


In fact this song here sums things up pretty well.
https://youtu.be/s4pZFsEdP3Y

Momma, trains, trucks, prison, and gettin' drunk.
Heavily involved and often responsible for both.





Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 04, 2022, 07:46:25 PM
Don't let anybody tell you that you can't be a blues singer if you were named after a Diet soda from the 70's.
https://youtu.be/s9Cgqce02iw


Real Country music is really just a form of the blues too, and it's pretty easy to turn one into a regular blues song.
https://youtu.be/LT2ThFmT48A
https://youtu.be/FwOAKNaCuwA

Different rules may apply when it comes to names and places, but many of the others still apply.
Same thing, but different person and different instruments.


Instead of having a disability and fruit in your name you often gotta have 2 first names or you gotta make sure you use your middle name or middle initial.


In fact this song here sums things up pretty well.
https://youtu.be/s4pZFsEdP3Y

Momma, trains, trucks, prison, and gettin' drunk.
Heavily involved and often responsible for both.






At least they didn't name him Sue! 😄
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 05, 2022, 11:46:35 AM
Love the last verse of 'you never even call me by my name'.
He really nailed it.
Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 05, 2022, 12:35:55 PM
Love the last verse of 'you never even call me by my name'.
He really nailed it.
Gary
John prine and Steve Goodman both know how to really have fun with the song.
https://youtu.be/J0J1ISJLRb0
https://youtu.be/8QUSQJQml40

Sometime people think this song is making fun of country music,  but I see it as a tribute to country music myself.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 05, 2022, 05:00:52 PM
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 05, 2022, 08:44:42 PM
EXCELLENT!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jsk68 on May 06, 2022, 03:27:34 AM
Some of these are pretty good. ;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpZT1xYLsf0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpZT1xYLsf0)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 06, 2022, 08:51:00 PM
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 07, 2022, 01:32:32 PM
Definitions for Mothers Day--

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 a.m. also.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de
children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart
to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 07, 2022, 01:51:35 PM
I got a giggle out of the top bunk.🤣😂🤣😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 08, 2022, 12:22:29 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to music on may AirPods.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on May 08, 2022, 01:20:48 PM
Escaped felon Casey White and former deputy Vicky White checking into hotel in Hot Springs, Arkansas.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 08, 2022, 01:55:54 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to music on may AirPods.
That one 😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on May 08, 2022, 02:04:00 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to music on may AirPods.
That one 😂😂

I was on vacation out west; the painted desert to be exact. The park was practically deserted.

I was on a viewing scaffold with my camera equipment. It was a big bag with all sorts of lenses, accessories and an extra camera or two.

My camera was set up on a tripod and I was so engrossed in getting the best photo of the brilliant panoply of all the different colors.

Getting those pictures was a lengthy process as I waited for the shadows of the clouds to pass at the right time.

In the meantime the fajita and bean burrito dinner I had the night before, began the reaction with the probiotics I was taking.

IMHO, I was very talented. I was barking out Brahm's "Lullaby" and old favorites like "Stars and Stripes Forever" as well as Jack Benny's "Love In Bloom."

I thought what a shame that I'm all alone and nobody was there to appreciate my rare talent.

This went on for a while but like any great performance I had my grand finale. It brings a bitter tear to my eye and breaks my heart to know that I'll never be that great again. No recordings exist for posterity, only my memory.

That grand finale of mine would have got me demands for encores in countless Boy Scout camps throughout the US.

After that long blast I could hear coyotes yipping in approval and see myriads of prairie dogs standing at attention!

I bowed with great humility to my humble audience of flora and fauna in that lonely patch of beautiful desert. I stood weeping with pride at the imaginary crowded opera house in front of me. I imagined that people where standing, applauding and shouting bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Leonard Bernstein was never that good.

Oh well back to reality. The light was changing and I wanted to get a really wide angled shot. So I turned to get another lens in my bag behind me.

The lady that arrived unnoticed and sat on the bleachers when my back was turned was not amused. I hate music critics!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 08, 2022, 08:54:35 PM
Quote
I hate music critics!

Hahahahaha!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 11, 2022, 12:19:32 PM
 
Two buddies, Chris and John, were the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire lives, Chris and John discussed baseball history in the winter and pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Chris passed away in his sleep. A few nights later, his buddy John awoke to the sound of Chris's voice from beyond.
"Chris is that you?" John asked. "Of course it's me," Chris replied.
"This is unbelievable!" John exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, John."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching Friday night."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: kbstingwing on May 14, 2022, 12:38:38 PM
An Air gunner walks into a Gun Store and see's an elderly Man behind the counter, He asks the Elderly clerk " Do you have any PCP Rifles", the Elderly Clerk looks at him with a strange look on his face and said " Son, if you want to do Drugs, You don't need a Gun to Shoot Up"...... ;D ;D ;D :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 14, 2022, 02:14:48 PM
Now that's funny!  Did you come up with that?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 14, 2022, 08:29:32 PM
An Air gunner walks into a Gun Store and see's an elderly Man behind the counter, He asks the Elderly clerk " Do you have any PCP Rifles", the Elderly Clerk looks at him with a strange look on his face and said " Son, if you want to do Drugs, You don't need a Gun to Shoot Up"...... ;D ;D ;D :o
An appropriate joke for GTA
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 17, 2022, 09:50:10 PM
what did the shoes say to the pants?


what's up britches!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 17, 2022, 09:51:06 PM
what did the hotdog say when it won the race?


i'm a wiener!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on May 17, 2022, 10:27:04 PM
Hear about the cross-eyed teacher? He couldn't control his pupils.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on May 17, 2022, 10:34:43 PM
What did one mountain range after the earthquake?

Not my fault!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: BushWacker on May 18, 2022, 12:25:03 AM
what did the hotdog say when it won the race?

i'm a wiener!

I thought that was a politician after losing his Senate seat.    :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: kbstingwing on May 18, 2022, 12:19:44 PM
Now that's funny!  Did you come up with that?
Yep, just popped into my mind, since there was nothing else there..... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 18, 2022, 12:57:21 PM
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I've just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That's because he's inside your mean cat!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 18, 2022, 01:48:14 PM
Now that's funny!  Did you come up with that?
Yep, just popped into my mind, since there was nothing else there..... ;D ;D ;D
Like a lighting bolt hitting your brain? Sorry, watched Hook yesterday and remembered the line Hotchkiss said.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on May 19, 2022, 10:12:33 AM
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists have been operating
at A Top Level Office downtown. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4
have been detained.
Top Level security stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and
Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description
of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy
to spot in the office.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 19, 2022, 10:40:00 AM
A guy walks into the local Welfare office, marches straight up to the counter to collect his fortnightly check and says "Hi. Ya know, I just hate drawing Welfare. I'd much rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll drive her around in his Mercedes or his Rolls. You'll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips, and you'll have to satisfy all of her needs. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is $200,000 a year"
The guy says, "You're joking me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, but you started it".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 19, 2022, 12:15:58 PM
Dog walks into a telegraph office...
Clerk says, "What's your message?"

Dog says, "Woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "You know, for the same price, you can fit one more 'woof' in."

Dog replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 19, 2022, 11:23:34 PM
Dog walks into a telegraph office...
Clerk says, "What's your message?"

Dog says, "Woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "You know, for the same price, you can fit one more 'woof' in."

Dog replies, "But that wouldn't make any sense."
I don't know why that one made me laugh so much,  but I guess that's just my kind of humor.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on May 20, 2022, 03:31:02 AM
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/283007651_5026424687395174_5277626274929995701_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=35axQptbOd4AX_uG9i6&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=00_AT99zsYYLM_UoPzHJY6q-Ib74xb3uc8kIH9VhoFHlc45PQ&oe=628C4A98)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 20, 2022, 01:32:27 PM
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on May 20, 2022, 03:44:13 PM
A man asks a woman at the bar if she would sleep with him for a million dollars. She thinks for a minute and replies "yes".
He asks her "How about $20 dollars?"
She indignantly replies"what kind of woman do you think I am?"
He responds "we've already established that. Now we're just haggling over the price."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 20, 2022, 03:45:15 PM
 ;D :D ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 20, 2022, 07:55:22 PM
Good one Bubba18655 !
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 21, 2022, 09:01:31 PM
Johnny (age eight) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today.

He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 22, 2022, 12:56:37 AM
hmm...hmmm..hmm.
Too late at night to LOL.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on May 22, 2022, 09:11:39 AM
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on May 22, 2022, 03:41:04 PM
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.


.........Now to clean the keyboard! ;D......
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 23, 2022, 05:02:06 PM
in honor of upcoming father's day...



Dad, are we pyromaniacs?  Yes, we arson.




She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.




What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.




Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?  It's swarm.




Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put on my glasses.




A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.




I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.



Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.




How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A  buccaneer.




I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.




My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.




I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.




Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t "c" in the dark.




Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.




When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.




Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.




I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.




I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.




What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.




I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”




What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.




I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on May 23, 2022, 05:10:14 PM
in honor of upcoming father's day...



Dad, are we pyromaniacs?  Yes, we arson.




She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.




What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.




Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?  It's swarm.




Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put on my glasses.




A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.




I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.



Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.




How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A  buccaneer.




I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.




My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.




I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.




Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t "c" in the dark.




Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.




When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.




Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.




I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.




I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.




What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.




I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”




What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.




I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.


Thanks for fixing the [color]  [size]   8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 23, 2022, 05:51:07 PM
LMBO
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on May 23, 2022, 05:53:50 PM
Today is 'WORLD TURTLE DAY'.
No wonder my mail is late.  >:(    ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 23, 2022, 07:27:29 PM

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "...Who said you iron better than I?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
She got her raise.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 25, 2022, 02:18:12 PM
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 25, 2022, 09:12:36 PM
*Morbid*

What did JFK Jr say to his Butler?
.
.
.
"You feed the Dog, and I'll feed the Fishes"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 29, 2022, 11:54:02 AM
A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled.
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on May 29, 2022, 01:35:20 PM
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said "You Americans.

You are such a rude class of people.

Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.

May I sit there?

I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!

Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bit ch out the window."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on May 29, 2022, 10:15:21 PM
A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled.
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

[chuckling] That's pretty good. I'm taking a plane in a couple weeks. Might use that one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 29, 2022, 10:55:18 PM
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said "You Americans.

You are such a rude class of people.

Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.

May I sit there?

I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!

Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bit ch out the window."
Like and shared
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on May 30, 2022, 02:46:17 PM
A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled.
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

[chuckling] That's pretty good. I'm taking a plane in a couple weeks. Might use that one.
Really? Do you know anything about nuclear power?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 30, 2022, 05:48:02 PM
A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled.
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

[chuckling] That's pretty good. I'm taking a plane in a couple weeks. Might use that one.
Really? Do you know anything about nuclear power?
Or at the very least about Nucular power.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 30, 2022, 05:50:05 PM
A man was seated next to a blonde on an airplane. Shortly after the take off, he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the man. "How about nuclear power?" he smiled.
"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The man, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the blonde replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

[chuckling] That's pretty good. I'm taking a plane in a couple weeks. Might use that one.
Really? Do you know anything about nuclear power?
Well Bill,he might know about $hite?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on May 30, 2022, 06:00:47 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 31, 2022, 03:25:52 PM
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, and private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on June 01, 2022, 02:46:56 PM
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!'
'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that was my mistress.'
The wife says, 'That's it; I want a divorce.'
'I understand,' replies her husband, 'but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.'
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who's that woman with Jim? ' she asks.
'That's his mistress,' replies her husband.
'Ours is prettier,' says the wife.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on June 01, 2022, 06:37:01 PM
I already have four people following me: two police officers, and private investigator and a psychiatrist.

Reminds me of the Psychiatrist episode of Fawlty Towers.  Punchline here, but start over, if you are into silly British humor from the '70s:  https://youtu.be/ebfD_KqFOD8?t=1834
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on June 02, 2022, 10:37:26 PM
I think Farty Towels was the best episode title they ever made. Loved that show!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on June 02, 2022, 11:12:36 PM
I think Farty Towels was the best episode title they ever made. Loved that show!

This one?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtf82AqA_Ek (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtf82AqA_Ek)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on June 03, 2022, 12:05:59 PM
An older man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application for the benefit.
He doesn't have a birth certificate, or an ID to prove his age so he opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest.
They accept that as a proof of his age and eligibility.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on June 04, 2022, 03:03:32 PM
An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.
But he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely, she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief.
"By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 04, 2022, 04:33:46 PM
🫣😆😂🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on June 04, 2022, 07:15:47 PM
I think Farty Towels was the best episode title they ever made. Loved that show!

This one?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtf82AqA_Ek (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wtf82AqA_Ek)


Yup!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 05, 2022, 07:39:41 AM
(https://www.rimfirecentral.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.rimfirecentral.com/attachments/a73f75b7-a953-4e6e-bddf-2bef3c9a9f81-jpeg.308450/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 05, 2022, 08:14:18 AM
An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.
But he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely, she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief.
"By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Earl, I LOL'ed at that one...
So I shared that with my 4 daughters for when the Grand-kids ask.
It got mixed reviews.... but I thought it was great!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on June 05, 2022, 06:12:47 PM
I had to deal with the fear of a speed bump in a new neighborhood.

I slowly got over it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on June 05, 2022, 08:27:15 PM
Guy walking down the beach finds a bottle. Brushes it off and out pops a genie.
Sir, you have three wishes.
Please, get rid of all the lawyers!
OK, they are gone.
Great, now for my other wishes.
What other wishes?
The othe two you promised!!
Sue me!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on June 06, 2022, 09:11:25 PM
Two Ladies meet in the afterlife:

1st woman:
Hi. Wanda!

2nd woman:
Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman:
I froze to death.

2nd woman:
How horrible!

1st woman:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?

2nd woman:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman:
I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran
up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in
the freezer--we'd both still be alive.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on June 06, 2022, 10:10:02 PM
What's the difference between guys who shoot air guns and a savings bond?  Eventually the bond matures.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on June 07, 2022, 11:48:41 AM
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on June 08, 2022, 12:17:25 PM
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on June 08, 2022, 06:19:21 PM
What's the difference between guys who shoot air guns and a savings bond?  Eventually the bond matures.

Heh.

Updooted.  :D

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on June 08, 2022, 07:41:13 PM
Bob and Jim were out fishing, mostly in silence, when Bob suddenly spoke up.

“Think I might divorce my wife. She hasn’t talked to me in two months,” he said.

Jim looked up, nodded, reeled in his line and cast again.

Then he turned to Bob and said, “Careful. Women like her are hard to find.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on June 09, 2022, 11:22:06 AM
We got a new bar in town, it's called The Mortice and Tenon.

It's a traditional joint.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 09, 2022, 12:51:27 PM

A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear,
a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He
says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"

The doctor replies, ''You're not eating properly.'

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on June 11, 2022, 12:18:31 AM


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's "dang" near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight broke out!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on June 11, 2022, 11:31:24 AM
My wife was looking at her boobs in the mirror and she asked me about getting implants. I told her to just rub toilet paper between them every day and they'll get bigger.
"Will that really work?"
"It worked for your butt." was my reply.
And that's how the fight started.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on June 11, 2022, 02:28:43 PM
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted
her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
with a twenty dollar bill in it. The little girl took this home to her
mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take her first pay to the bank and open an account with it.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew
building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again next week too?""I will if those useless idiots at the lumber yard ever bring us the @#&%
wood," replied the little girl.


Judges in Colorado were having trouble in divorces deciding who would get the marijuana. Then they started issuing joint custody.


A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear,
a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, ''You're not eating properly.’

We got a new bar in town, it's called The Mortice and Tenon. It's a traditional joint.

Joined a dating site for arsonists.
They send me new matches every week.


An exhibitionist was going to retire but changed his mind.
He decided to stick it out for another year.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay, for the 10th time.


The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool
teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by
playing a game in which they identified animals.
"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it
is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."
The children looked at her blankly.
"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."
No response. This wasn't going well at all!
"I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red."
Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good
about coming up with the answers.
"Michelle, what do you think?"
Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the
answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on June 15, 2022, 12:02:11 AM
What goes...clippty clop, clippty clop, bang.  Clippty clop, clippty clop  bang bang?


An Amish drive by shooting. 😴
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on June 15, 2022, 03:07:35 PM
Velcro?

What a rip-off!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on June 15, 2022, 03:24:23 PM
Falling ice cubes is the sound an Eskimo makes when he pisses.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 15, 2022, 05:28:03 PM
What goes...clippty clop, clippty clop, bang.  Clippty clop, clippty clop  bang bang?


An Amish drive by shooting. 😴
That's also the sound my Crosman 362 makes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 15, 2022, 09:21:35 PM
Question:  What's the loudest sound in the world?

Answer: Someone dropping their rifle in formation.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 15, 2022, 09:47:54 PM
Question:  What's the loudest sound in the world?

Answer: Someone dropping their rifle in formation.

OOOOOHHHH    #€¥√%&#!!!!
The DI would have a hey day on that one!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on June 15, 2022, 11:11:06 PM
Obligatory:
(https://c.tenor.com/LtnpcKSYF9gAAAAC/"dang"-crazy.gif)

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 16, 2022, 07:17:23 AM
LOL.... looks like Betty Lou the first time she shot the Super Comanche .410 pistol.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: TennX on June 16, 2022, 09:19:22 AM
   I hope this isn’t a repeat…Guy sticks his head in the barber shop door…ask how long before I can get a haircut…barber looks around and says 3 hours…guy leaves…for the next several days same thing…looks in ask then leaves….after awhile the barber is thinking WTH….so he ask his buddy to follow him…buddy comes back laughing hysterically….barber ask well where. Did he go…buddy wipes the tears from his eyes …says “YOUR HOUSE”…
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on June 16, 2022, 12:03:28 PM
If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on June 16, 2022, 03:27:37 PM
LOL.... looks like Betty Lou the first time she shot the Super Comanche .410 pistol.

Did she get a knot on her head from it? Hope she was ok where you were able to get a good laugh out of it without a beating.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 16, 2022, 03:40:51 PM
She let go in time, the gun went straight up and straight down to the ground.
First and last time she shot that gun.
Yep, I got a good chuckle out of it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on June 16, 2022, 03:46:36 PM
She let go in time, the gun went straight up and straight down to the ground.
First and last time she shot that gun.
Yep, I got a good chuckle out of it.


I bet Rambo was nowhere to be found  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 16, 2022, 04:08:09 PM
LOL... if Rambo even sees a gun he is gone. Boss is a different story.. she goes to sleep at my feet when I'm shooting.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on June 16, 2022, 11:20:51 PM
She let go in time, the gun went straight up and straight down to the ground.
First and last time she shot that gun.
Yep, I got a good chuckle out of it.

And she still married you? ::)
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 17, 2022, 07:55:55 AM
This lady hit me over the head with her handbag after I asked where Sylvester and Tweety were.

(https://www.snipershide.com/shooting/attachments/1655384474308-jpeg.7892688/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 17, 2022, 10:33:45 AM
She let go in time, the gun went straight up and straight down to the ground.
First and last time she shot that gun.
Yep, I got a good chuckle out of it.

And she still married you? ::)
Bob
Yeah, but it was better than shooting me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 17, 2022, 10:39:16 AM
Bill, if she had shot you, probably creek water would have flooded your property.  Hee hee
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on June 23, 2022, 12:16:47 AM
It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided that they would each buy her a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that it is flowers".

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box that was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," replied the little girl,

"It is a puppy”.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 23, 2022, 10:50:15 AM
Everyone that has a Bible will need to get it for this story. If you don't have one, you will have to use the magic of an internet search.

A new preacher is in town and is taking the time to visit the homes of every member of his new congregation. It's a nice day and perfect strolling weather.

He comes to the door of the home of a congregant. The windows are all open and he can hear the radio playing softly in one of the rooms. Only the screen door is closed at the entrance.

He rings the doorbell and waits patiently. There is no answer. He rings the doorbell again. As before, nobody comes to the door.

He rings one more time and calls out; "hello, is anyone home?"

He calls out several times but no answer. So he takes out his business card and writes "Revelation 3:20" on the back. He places the card between the screen door and the door jam then leaves.

The following Sunday, he delivers one of his best sermons. Everyone is pleased to have him and his family as part of the church.

After saying goodbye to everyone at the steps of the church, he goes to the alter to gather up the collection plates.

In one of the plates, he notices his business card on top of the tithes and offerings.

He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."

You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on June 23, 2022, 11:04:27 AM
Good one Mike!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on June 23, 2022, 03:10:20 PM
With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

“You have a point,” he said. “But then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 23, 2022, 03:22:48 PM
Just remember this is only a joke, and you can substitute whoever you want into ot if you retell it.
https://youtu.be/9YU03ZvoPPg
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on June 23, 2022, 04:30:52 PM
Just remember this is only a joke, and you can substitute whoever you want into ot if you retell it.
https://youtu.be/9YU03ZvoPPg


I got a direct hit in me "itlog" by a bouncing baseball when I was about 15 YO.

The pain made vomit  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 23, 2022, 04:41:23 PM


He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."

You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.

Dang I was thinking I knew the punch line but turns out I was thinking Genesis 9:7
 :o ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on June 23, 2022, 04:43:53 PM


He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."

You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.

Dang I was thinking I knew the punch line but turns out I was thinking Genesis 9:7
 :o ;)


Me too  :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 23, 2022, 08:47:45 PM
Everyone that has a Bible will need to get it for this story. If you don't have one, you will have to use the magic of an internet search.

A new preacher is in town and is taking the time to visit the homes of every member of his new congregation. It's a nice day and perfect strolling weather.

He comes to the door of the home of a congregant. The windows are all open and he can hear the radio playing softly in one of the rooms. Only the screen door is closed at the entrance.

He rings the doorbell and waits patiently. There is no answer. He rings the doorbell again. As before, nobody comes to the door.

He rings one more time and calls out; "hello, is anyone home?"

He calls out several times but no answer. So he takes out his business card and writes "Revelation 3:20" on the back. He places the card between the screen door and the door jam then leaves.

The following Sunday, he delivers one of his best sermons. Everyone is pleased to have him and his family as part of the church.

After saying goodbye to everyone at the steps of the church, he goes to the alter to gather up the collection plates.

In one of the plates, he notices his business card on top of the tithes and offerings.

He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."

You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.
😂🤣😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: 7624452 on June 24, 2022, 06:58:33 PM


He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."

You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.

Dang I was thinking I knew the punch line but turns out I was thinking Genesis 9:7
 :o ;)
                                      ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 24, 2022, 07:12:55 PM
Thank you so much Alter!
You nailed it.
That Mathew 6:25 is EXACTLY my life!

I eat what I want, drink what I want, and wear what I want.... no matter what others think.
What.. Me Worry?  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 25, 2022, 03:10:59 PM
I reckon it's time to ban Viagra because if pregnancy is God's will then so is ED...  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 25, 2022, 03:50:15 PM
Viagra!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RWzHmkgJ54 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RWzHmkgJ54)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on June 25, 2022, 05:47:48 PM
I reckon it's time to ban Viagra because if pregnancy is God's will then so is ED...  :o

Never heard of ED taking a life. ;D  And the little blue pill gives me a 2 day migraine and the worst heartburn I've ever had. :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 25, 2022, 10:22:09 PM
There was a contractor that was installing a machine. Well, the guy had a younger girl friend and he wanted to take care of her right. Well this guy was taking blood pressure and took his little blue pill. This resulted in his blood pressure bottoming out and a trip to the ER.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on June 26, 2022, 07:31:04 AM
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

• Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on June 26, 2022, 08:50:24 AM


He picks it up and notices under the verse that he wrote that another one is scrawled on the card; "Genesis 3:10."

You will have to look up the verses for yourselves.

Dang I was thinking I knew the punch line but turns out I was thinking Genesis 9:7
 :o ;)


Me too  :P
Hmm I must of found the wrong Genesis
https://youtu.be/Yq7FKO5DlV0
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 26, 2022, 08:52:33 AM
Bill and Matt are in the dessert with a horse. They come up on a watering hole and drink their fill, however the horse won't drink! Bill and Matt know the horse will die if it doesn't drink the water. No matter what they did the horse refused to drink!

 Bill comes up with a plan. He tells Matt to hold the horses head down in the water and he will "prime"  the horse by literally sucking the water into it!

 So Matt grabs the horses head and shoves it down into the water, Bill goes around back, cups his hands over the horses butt and starts sucking the water into the horse.

Suddenly Bill stops and starts spittin' and sputtering, he shouts out... "Matt pull up his head, he's a suckin mud!!!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 26, 2022, 08:58:19 AM
Hope you never get that thirsty Bro, yer gonna die..   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 26, 2022, 09:00:06 AM
Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck,
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on June 26, 2022, 12:01:27 PM
At least I was holding the horses head down!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on June 26, 2022, 09:02:10 PM
I have an Irish friend that never comes in the house.
I call him Patio Furniture.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on June 26, 2022, 09:29:31 PM
A distraught young blonde woman suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her.
In a fit of anger, she drove to a local pawn shop and bought a gun.
She showed up at his apartment unexpectedly, slammed open the door, and sure enough he was in his bedroom, naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.
This angered her, and in the heat of the moment, she opened her purse and pulled out the handgun she bought earlier.
She took aim, but grief overcame her, and she pointed the gun at her own head.
"Honey, NO!!! Don't do it!!!" he yelled.
The blonde started crying and through the tears screamed: "Shut up, cheater. You are next."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: 7624452 on June 26, 2022, 11:11:44 PM
                      ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on June 28, 2022, 05:03:17 PM
So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman comes into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, Good morning and welcome to Walmart.  Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, *(&^ no, they ain’t twins.  The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7.  Why the *(&^ would you think they’re twins?  Are you blind, or stupid?

So I replied, I’m neither blind nor stupid ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.  Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 28, 2022, 06:34:11 PM
Bob, I had a similar outcome when I had taken the job as 'Greeter' at Walmart.
I greeted several shoppers with:  'Welcome to Walmart.  Get your $h!t and get out!'  --  The supervisor decided I needed a permanent vacation.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on June 29, 2022, 09:58:11 AM
My wife ask me, How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, Only you Darling.  With all the others, I was awake.

 
HOSPITAL VISITING HOURS ARE 10am TO 8pm.

A man went to visit a friend in the hospital and asked him what happened.

He said I don’t know. My wife and I were at the state fair and we were looking at the grand champion bull. There was a sign next to him saying that he had bred 300 cows last year. Next was a reserve grand champion and we saw that he had bred 250 cows in the last year. One of the runner ups had bred 200 cows. My wife commented on how these bulls were able to perform so often. The last thing I remember, I said something to my wife like yes but it’s not the same old cow. The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital.

Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on June 29, 2022, 07:04:48 PM
A blonde woman is driving down the road and happens to notice that she’s low on gas.  Seeing a station she pulls in and starts filling her car.  While pumping her gas she notices she locked her keys in the car.  When she goes inside to pay she ask the attendant if he has a clothes hanger so she can attempt to open the doors herself.  She goes out and is working vigorously trying to Jimmy the lock.  Ten minutes later the attendant goes out to see how she’s doing.  Outside the blonds is moving the hanger back and forth and up and down, while another blonds inside is saying, A little more to the left….a little more right……
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on June 29, 2022, 07:57:30 PM
A blonde woman is driving down the road and happens to notice that she’s low on gas.  Seeing a station she pulls in and starts filling her car.  While pumping her gas she notices she locked her keys in the car.  When she goes inside to pay she ask the attendant if he has a clothes hanger so she can attempt to open the doors herself.  She goes out and is working vigorously trying to Jimmy the lock.  Ten minutes later the attendant goes out to see how she’s doing.  Outside the blonds is moving the hanger back and forth and up and down, while another blonds inside is saying, A little more to the left….a little more right……
Bob

Later on that same day another blonde locks her keys in her car at the same station. It starts raining and she starts to panic. She runs to the attendant, can you help me? I locked my keys in my car!! It's starting to rain and I left the top down!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 02, 2022, 12:41:29 PM
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in
the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as
good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in
sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business
and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me,
and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you were wrong.
Hi Dan!"

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 02, 2022, 09:51:27 PM

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 03, 2022, 01:20:16 PM
(https://media-exp1.licdn.com/dms/image/D562CAQGyUbC-8UZhKQ/comment-image-shrink_8192_1280/0/1656551639839?e=1657472400&v=beta&t=BEDmNJ55KxoF9NggEqsqRPgWtqDUhZPZPaX_4Gwr3lQ)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on July 03, 2022, 06:28:32 PM
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.  The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on July 03, 2022, 07:23:33 PM
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.  The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral!”

I knew the spatula was coming, but "There for the funeral," made me laugh out loud.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on July 04, 2022, 12:06:27 AM
I knew the spatula was coming, but "There for the funeral,"
made me laugh out loud.

Me too :) .   Funny and tragic at the same time.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on July 04, 2022, 06:32:48 AM
I knew the spatula was coming, but "There for the funeral,"
made me laugh out loud.

Me too :) .   Funny and tragic at the same time.

For something to be funny, there has to be an element of truth to it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 04, 2022, 06:49:14 AM
Pretty sure I would have inquired about room service.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 04, 2022, 08:12:06 AM
Hahahaha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on July 04, 2022, 08:51:50 AM
 My uncle came from a large family, his mom would bake something, and to have it last to desert time etc. she would tell them that she baked for a funeral, mostly theirs if they touched the baked goods before its was time.  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bavaria55n on July 06, 2022, 06:10:00 PM
Two men died and arrived at the pearly gates at the same time.
St Peter asked the first one his name and profession.
James Smith-pilot he replied.
St Peter handed him a golden staff, silk robe and said enter.
He then asked the second man the same question.
He proudly and loudly said Robert Preston-pastor.
St Peter handed him a wooden staff, a somewhat wrinkled cotton robe and told him to enter.
Taken aback the pastor said the the guy before me was just a pilot and I was a pastor. Why did he get the golden star and silk robe.
St Peter replied, while you preached people slept, when he flew people prayed!


The bank called to say I had an outstanding account.
It was very nice of them to say that.

Gary
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 07, 2022, 07:53:30 PM
https://youtu.be/52efG_Mz5SQ
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 07, 2022, 08:55:36 PM
Along the same format...

https://youtu.be/3IiICcSH8iY
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 07, 2022, 09:16:17 PM
Who else remembers Victor Borge? ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on July 07, 2022, 10:09:40 PM
Who else remembers Victor Borge? ;)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKeqaDSjy98&ab_channel=jazzy_larry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKeqaDSjy98&ab_channel=jazzy_larry)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 08, 2022, 12:10:09 AM
https://youtube.com/shorts/IYUYyteDe2A?feature=share
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on July 08, 2022, 12:37:25 AM
Victor Borge's Phonetic Punctuation is an absolute classic...  ;D
Red Skelton was another great-humor at it's finest; clean and just pure funny :D
Frogs...
Frogs...
 ;) ;) ;)
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on July 08, 2022, 09:27:38 AM
Who else remembers Victor Borge? ;)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKeqaDSjy98&ab_channel=jazzy_larry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKeqaDSjy98&ab_channel=jazzy_larry)

Who remembers Liberace?  Here's Spike Jones and Billy Barty paying homage to the flamboyant Liberace.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=911LIUCtjns (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=911LIUCtjns)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 08, 2022, 12:50:39 PM
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good, mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
“Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school.
I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
“Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 08, 2022, 03:25:27 PM
So a priest and rabbi develop a friendship of sorts over the course of serving the same community for many years

one afternoon sitting on a park bench the priest says to the rabbi

"I know this is a deeply personal question, and its okay if aren't comfortable answering, but did you ever try eating pork?"

the rabbi looks down at the ground in shame and says "yes...to be completely honest, I once ordered room service breakfast and it came with bacon, I was all alone and tried a little"

the rabbi then asks his own question "since we're revealing secrets here friend, let me ask you, did you ever sleep with a woman?"

priest looks at the ground in shame and replies, "yes...I did...when I was first out of the seminary I was tempted by a young parishioner and in my weakness I gave in to temptation just that once"

The Rabbi nods to show he understands and says "it sure beats the *(&^ out of pork doesn't it?"

Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 10, 2022, 01:39:02 PM
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 10, 2022, 02:22:25 PM
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.

Man, you got that right.  Mine changes the channel then goes to the other room.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on July 10, 2022, 06:21:04 PM
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.

Man, you got that right.  Mine changes the channel then goes to the other room.  ::)
Funny you should say that. I believe they all learn that in "Wife 101"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 10, 2022, 07:08:27 PM
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.

Man, you got that right.  Mine changes the channel then goes to the other room.  ::)
Funny you should say that. I believe they all learn that in "Wife 101"

They don't have to learn it, it is built in.
 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on July 10, 2022, 07:28:48 PM
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.

Man, you got that right.  Mine changes the channel then goes to the other room.  ::)


You let her have the remote? ROTFL 






Seriously though, I rarely watch TV in the living room and she picks what's on most of the time in there.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on July 10, 2022, 07:49:00 PM
Three guys having a drinking spree.

Pablo and Pedro ask Juan "Hey, what happened to your hand, why is it twice the size?"

Juan: "Dang, I threw rock at the witch's house, and she cursed me! Well, Pablo, we can see that your foot is twice the size as well, so what the heck did you do?!"

Pablo: Tsk, kind of just like you, I kicked the witch's dog, and she cursed me too!"

Pedro leaving the scene in a hurry without saying goodbye.

Pablo and Juan in unison: "Hey, bro, where are you going?!"

Pedro: "I'm gonna p&e on the witch's house!"

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 10, 2022, 07:54:31 PM
I've given up watching tv if the wife is home.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 10, 2022, 08:29:53 PM
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV channel.

Man, you got that right.  Mine changes the channel then goes to the other room.  ::)


You let her have the remote? ROTFL 






Seriously though, I rarely watch TV in the living room and she picks what's on most of the time in there.

The remote is glued to her.  I didn't just let her have it, she falls asleep with it next to her ear like a phone.  Right now she's watching a Hallmark movie she watched last night but fell asleep and didn't finish it.  LOL  Christmas in July movie
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on July 10, 2022, 08:35:15 PM
I bought a second remote - problem solved!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on July 10, 2022, 08:45:39 PM
I bought a second remote - problem solved!
I bought a second TV ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 10, 2022, 09:34:38 PM
We have three TVs - one for me, one for her, and a spare for HER.
Problem solved.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 10, 2022, 10:27:21 PM
We have three TVs - one for me, one for her, and a spare for HER.
Problem solved.

That is the winner ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 11, 2022, 12:52:30 PM
We have ROKU smart TVs in 3 rooms of the house and one in the bar/mancave. All remotes are interchangeable.
When a lightning strike took out the cable box a new remote came with it and the service tech left us the old remote.
Each cable remote is programed to function on the TVs as well as blue ray dvd players. So we can grab any remote and operate any TV. We've been known to have TV wars that usually end with one of us retreating to another room.
We do have the same taste in most things we watch but on the rare occasion that one wants to watch something the other don't like, that is the one that moves to another room.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 11, 2022, 01:27:57 PM
that is the one that moves to another room.
That would be me!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 11, 2022, 02:30:57 PM
that is the one that moves to another room.
That would be me!

And me for sure.  Doesn't matter which is the original room.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 11, 2022, 03:47:01 PM
Stand your ground !!

Yesterday, for instance, we only get ROKU streaming (various free networks), Netflix, Peacock+ and Blue Ray surround in the bar/mancave.
NASCAR has moved to USA for most of the remaining season.
I stayed in the house to watch NASCAR on the big screen from my recliner with Boss.
Betty Lou went to the bar/mancave and watched her streaming shows with Rambo.
There is a TV viewing area set up in there with sofa and coffee table along with other creature comforts such as AC, fridge and bathroom with running water.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 11, 2022, 05:39:06 PM
COP - You were going fast.
Me - I was just trying to keep up with the traffic. 
COP - There isn’t any traffic. 
ME - I know!  That’s how far behind I am.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on July 11, 2022, 07:58:07 PM
COP - You were going fast.
Me - I was just trying to keep up with the traffic. 
COP - There isn’t any traffic. 
ME - I know!  That’s how far behind I am.

My cousin got pulled over one night doing about 90 on I-75 coming home from Georgia with a pickup truck and trailer full of produce.  Trooper said he was speeding and didn't have any tail lights.  He said yeah, I noticed the lights on the trailer quit working.  That's why I was speeding, I didn't want anyone to rear end me.  Trooper told him to get out of there. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on July 11, 2022, 08:52:03 PM
My cousin got pulled over one night doing about 90 on I-75 coming home from Georgia with a pickup truck and trailer full of produce.  Trooper said he was speeding and didn't have any tail lights.  He said yeah, I noticed the lights on the trailer quit working.  That's why I was speeding, I didn't want anyone to rear end me.  Trooper told him to get out of there. ;D ;D ;D

Sounds like Seffner logic to me...............
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on July 12, 2022, 12:21:17 AM
My cousin got pulled over one night doing about 90 on I-75 coming home from Georgia with a pickup truck and trailer full of produce.  Trooper said he was speeding and didn't have any tail lights.  He said yeah, I noticed the lights on the trailer quit working.  That's why I was speeding, I didn't want anyone to rear end me.  Trooper told him to get out of there. ;D ;D ;D



Sounds like Seffner logic to me...............

I think he was actually in N. Fla or Ga. ;D   What's a Mississippi guy know about Seffner anywho? ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on July 12, 2022, 12:30:04 AM
My cousin got pulled over one night doing about 90 on I-75 coming home from Georgia with a pickup truck and trailer full of produce.  Trooper said he was speeding and didn't have any tail lights.  He said yeah, I noticed the lights on the trailer quit working.  That's why I was speeding, I didn't want anyone to rear end me.  Trooper told him to get out of there. ;D ;D ;D



Sounds like Seffner logic to me...............

I think he was actually in N. Fla or Ga. ;D   What's a Mississippi guy know about Seffner anywho? ;D

Seffner woman, stay away from me..........
Seffner woman, just let me be......

I used to work in Sabal Industrial Park........Buffalo ave and Faulkenburg Road.
21 years.......
Afte work when I was heavy into cycling, I'd rode out around Lake Thonotosassa and come back thru Seffner..
That was a lifetime ago.... I retired from there in 04.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 14, 2022, 06:56:46 PM
Booze and Calculus don't mix...
Don't drink and derive.

If A is for Apple...
And B is for banana..
What is C for?
A plastic explosive.


If pushing your cart through the grocery store, don't hit the cabbage display...
Heads will roll!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on July 16, 2022, 01:02:21 PM
I don't know the author but it's true.

"The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and of course Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed Drunk."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 16, 2022, 01:41:41 PM
Three nuns were attending a Yankee baseball game. Behind them sat three men. Because the nuns' habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to pester the nuns, hoping they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."
Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, "I want to move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy yelled, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there."
The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you go to *(&^. There aren't any nuns there."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 16, 2022, 05:29:50 PM
LOL!!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 17, 2022, 09:01:39 PM
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished."
However, in a linguistic conference, held in London some years ago, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, a Guyanese named Samsundar Balgobin, was the clever winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was:
"When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'completely finished.'"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 19, 2022, 08:10:56 PM
For Bicycleman  ::)

Friday afternoon I went to the liquor store on my bicycle, bought a bottle of scotch and put it in my bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself if I fell off the bicycle the bottle might break. So, I drank the bottle before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven time before I made it home.

Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 19, 2022, 09:15:23 PM
Bob, might I suggest training wheels or one of those adult tricycles!  hee hee
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 19, 2022, 09:40:15 PM
Bob, might I suggest training wheels or one of those adult tricycles!  hee hee

I didn't say I laid it down in the gravel like you did I just fell off.
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 21, 2022, 05:35:15 PM
Hey Carter:
Last night I watched a documentary on mushrooms...


I will watch every documentary that way from now on.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 21, 2022, 05:48:11 PM
Somebody is on a roll today... weekend must be coming.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on July 21, 2022, 07:02:13 PM
Hey Carter:
Last night I watched a documentary on mushrooms...


I will watch every documentary that way from now on.

You're silly!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on July 21, 2022, 07:03:20 PM
Hey Carter:
Last night I watched a documentary on mushrooms...


I will watch every documentary that way from now on.

Portabellas or shitake?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on July 21, 2022, 07:09:33 PM
Hey Carter:
Last night I watched a documentary on mushrooms...


I will watch every documentary that way from now on.

Did you have the lights off?????
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on July 21, 2022, 07:17:26 PM


Did you have the lights off?????

The TV was off too! ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cwil58 on July 21, 2022, 09:47:17 PM
What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

Cherry float!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on July 21, 2022, 10:00:58 PM
What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

Cherry float!

I got a waterbed............been on it for 45 years.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 21, 2022, 10:08:21 PM
Somebody is on a roll today... weekend must be coming.
You know it Brother!  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 22, 2022, 12:00:01 AM
What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

Cherry float!

I got a waterbed............been on it for 45 years.....

Should be about time to get up if you can.   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 22, 2022, 03:38:38 AM
https://youtu.be/xG3v_kA0Stw
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on July 22, 2022, 03:44:34 AM
(https://scontent-ord5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/293724819_604058167742802_5396105641503573892_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p180x540&_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=vy2xcsc9w7sAX8dLnBn&tn=0UcSOcDBVe-PN833&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-1.xx&oh=00_AT9NovLUXvfPJsCDIgQAiH7Bm_8itYkEFypxSeDGk4L7qw&oe=62DF54A8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 22, 2022, 12:24:13 PM
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at her friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 23, 2022, 06:30:31 AM
https://youtu.be/1-MJy7w69EU
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 23, 2022, 08:16:26 AM
Somebody is on a roll today... weekend must be coming.
You know it Brother!  ;)

Ya, I drink too much... way too much.
The other day I had to give a urine sample.
There was an olive in it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on July 23, 2022, 09:23:03 AM
Somebody is on a roll today... weekend must be coming.
You know it Brother!  ;)

Ya, I drink too much... way too much.
The other day I had to give a urine sample.
There was an olive in it.
.... and the sample was shaken, not stirred  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 23, 2022, 10:25:29 AM
https://youtu.be/L7K-kaelQEs
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 23, 2022, 10:31:02 AM
https://youtu.be/EBLEfjdA7-g
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 23, 2022, 10:54:20 AM
Speaking of which...
More than 3 times is not just shaking it anymore.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 24, 2022, 01:14:49 PM
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the White House.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.
It read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Firewalker on July 24, 2022, 10:52:45 PM
I Am A Texan

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on July 25, 2022, 01:25:32 AM
I Am A Texan

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.


Hmm? That must be what was wrong. the ones the Vet gave to my neighbor tastes like spearmint. So I was told.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on July 26, 2022, 11:00:03 PM
True story of a prank on a foreman who was a jerk.
Painters group had a nasty foreman. Since he always went to lunch first, others could not leave the shop until he returned. Then, since he took his time, there wasn't much time left for the rest of the guys to have lunch. So they typically went across the street to a Mickey D's and when they came back, they brought an extra order of fries that they scattered over the nasty foreman's car. He could not understand that when they left work his car was always covered in seagull poop but not the rest of the cars in the lot. I don't know if he ever did find out how that happened.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 26, 2022, 11:17:03 PM
Good one Tom.  We used to throw Alka Seltzers to the gulls when we were on the Ferry from Galveston to Boliver.
I guess you know what happened.  Wasn't pretty.
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on July 27, 2022, 12:48:08 PM
True story of a prank on a foreman who was a jerk.
Painters group had a nasty foreman. Since he always went to lunch first, others could not leave the shop until he returned. Then, since he took his time, there wasn't much time left for the rest of the guys to have lunch. So they typically went across the street to a Mickey D's and when they came back, they brought an extra order of fries that they scattered over the nasty foreman's car. He could not understand that when they left work his car was always covered in seagull poop but not the rest of the cars in the lot. I don't know if he ever did find out how that happened.

Will the fries work with pigeons or is there something better that they prefer?  Asking for a friend.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on July 27, 2022, 08:20:28 PM
the idea that birds can't burp so feeding them alka seltzer and having them explode is an urban legend.  birds have an esophagus, so they can burp to release built up gases.  however, the aspirin in an alka seltzer is designed for an adult human, and is enough to kill a gull size bird.  it's the same with rice.  people stopped throwing rice at weddings because peta and such groups falsely claimed the rice would expand inside the birds, rupturing them.  this may happen, if those birds were to drink boiling water with the rice.  bird seed is known to expand 44% inside of birds, yet they still eat it and survive.   


note: seagull is an improper term used to describe a gull.  there many types of gulls, none of which are seagulls.


https://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2014/01/seagulls-will-blow-eat-alka-seltzer/ (https://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2014/01/seagulls-will-blow-eat-alka-seltzer/)


https://www.audubon.org/ (https://www.audubon.org/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 27, 2022, 08:34:56 PM
Well excuse me. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on July 27, 2022, 09:15:25 PM
Anheuser Busch was behind the move to discontinue throwing rice at weddings.  The company wanted to make sure there was enough rice to make Budweiser beer.
Okay, I just made that up.  But it sounded good when I considered the possibility.
And it is well known that Mourning Doves eat rice from the fields after the harvest.  And many other birds as well, eat rice when it is planted.  About 50 years ago, farmers mixed poison with the rice seed when planting to kill the birds that would flock to the fields after they were planted.  That practice was outlawed in the 70s or 80s.  I think DU may have been behind the legislation to out the practice.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on July 28, 2022, 12:18:27 AM
As a kid my mom once told us how her grandfather used to give alcazeltzer to birds so they'd explode.
She soon regretted that because my brother then wanted to do that more than anything and she always had to check before we went to the river to make sure he wasn't trying to sneak some with him to feed the gulls ducks or geese.

I never quite believed a bird would actually burst mid air in grand fashion like we were told, but I always kind of thought they'd at least die from it.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on July 28, 2022, 12:44:03 AM
As a kid my mom once told us how her grandfather used to give alcazeltzer to birds so they'd explode.
She soon regretted that because my brother then wanted to do that more than anything and she always had to check before we went to the river to make sure he wasn't trying to sneak some with him to feed the gulls ducks or geese.

I never quite believed a bird would actually burst mid air in grand fashion like we were told, but I always kind of thought they'd at least die from it.

We never tried feeding it to birds but did play with Alka-Seltzer because I had an uncle that worked at Miles Laboratories in Elkhart, IN and brought home a lot of product with damaged packaging. We just exploded/popped the tops of medication bottles mostly, I was very young in the late 50's and early 60's and it was fun for a while to play with the Plop Plop Fiz Fiz.  LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 28, 2022, 02:19:44 AM
What do you call a Woman that burns all her bills?

Bernadette
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cwil58 on July 28, 2022, 06:34:43 AM
My Dear Wife,
 You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband
, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow..
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on July 29, 2022, 10:30:47 PM
A blind man walks into a bar...
and a table..
and a chair.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on July 30, 2022, 12:01:49 AM
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.”
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?’”
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘Oh &^^&!! What happened next?’”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on July 30, 2022, 06:00:47 PM
I used to be addicted to soap.

But I'm clean now.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 04, 2022, 03:39:11 AM
https://youtu.be/DIsgBAXQxR4
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 04, 2022, 02:10:04 PM

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?' The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.
The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?' The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.
The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?' Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the *(&^ are you from?' The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, why don't you tell me!'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on August 04, 2022, 02:14:57 PM
The canary island dose not have a single canary. Nope not a one. Same withe the virgin islands not one canary.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 09, 2022, 06:17:11 PM
A state trooper in Kansas made a traffic stop of an elderly lady for speeding on U.S. 166 just East of Sedan, KS.
He asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to him.

In with the cards, he was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit.
He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something, body language, or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms.
She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.
Now he had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.

He then asked her "Ma'am, you sure carry a lot of guns. What are you so afraid of?"

She looked him right in the eye and said, "Not a dam thing!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on August 09, 2022, 08:37:27 PM
Don't forget about the old folks.  That was a great one.
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 10, 2022, 08:37:24 PM
Grandma and Grandpa laying in bed........

Grandma: I dreamed I was in China.
Grandpa: I dreamed I was in bed with 3 woman.
Grandma: Oh? Was I one of them?
Grandpa: Nope, you were in China.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 10, 2022, 09:02:23 PM
That’s a good one Bill.   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: theLBC on August 11, 2022, 12:53:29 PM
hope not a repeat...stolen from sigtalk...

(https://www.sigtalk.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.sigtalk.com/attachments/96af100a-f3d8-4720-a588-1ff995d48ac9-jpeg.469607/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 13, 2022, 09:56:05 AM
Do you think Hawaiians LOL
 or just A Lo Ha ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Septicdeath on August 22, 2022, 12:43:20 AM
What's blue and smells likes red paint?
Blue paint.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on August 22, 2022, 10:50:33 AM
What's blue and smells likes red paint?
Blue paint.


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on August 22, 2022, 08:05:51 PM
What's blue and smells likes red paint?
Blue paint.

This paint color difference reminds me of something I heard perhaps 50 years ago:

A kid is trying to impress his buddy by showing off their fancy new Ford car.  The friend replies: "My father has a car exactly like that, except his is blue and its a Peugeot".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on August 23, 2022, 10:01:30 PM
Speaking of the French one of many common jokes "Smoking like a French battlefield" - a common line whenever smoke is seen.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Septicdeath on August 24, 2022, 01:13:10 AM
A skeleton walks into a bar. And asks the bartender. " Can I get a beer and a mop "
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on August 24, 2022, 07:10:43 AM
My ex-wife was bitten by a female rattlesnake.  She was in extreme pain for a few days then the snake died.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 24, 2022, 12:00:21 PM
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food.   
I don’t even know where sandwiches live.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Septicdeath on August 24, 2022, 12:04:10 PM
I wanted to plant a garden, but couldn't find the bacon seeds.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on August 24, 2022, 12:38:44 PM
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on August 26, 2022, 06:43:12 PM
The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.
 
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
 
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
 
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
 
 “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
 
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
 
 So, he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what
about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
 
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”
 
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
 
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.
 
“What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough, we actually send them to the IRS.”
 
“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.
 
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And, about once a year, they send us a little ^#(*% like you.”
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on August 26, 2022, 07:06:43 PM
That one made me LOL Bob!  Good one! ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 26, 2022, 08:56:55 PM
LOL... yep, good one indeed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 26, 2022, 09:49:50 PM
I love "Little Johnny" jokes and I read this one in Readers Digest that is actually "family friendly" for a change...

Little Johnny's Mother decided he should attend Church.
Johnny was so taken with the holy spirit that when they came home, Johnny clasped the bible and began preaching the word to the family cat.
Mother was thrilled.
After a few hours of relentless sermons there was silence.
Mom decided to check... and found Johnny holding the cat in a bucket of water!
"JOHNNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" exclaimed the Mom.
Johnny replied, "I am baptizing him"

Mother exclaimed "But cats don't like the water!"

Johnny replied "Well then, he shouldn't have joined my church!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 26, 2022, 10:00:06 PM
Knock Knock...
Who's there.
Interrupting Cow
Interrupt... MOOO!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on August 26, 2022, 10:14:25 PM
Knock knock
Whos there?
Boo
Boo Who
Why are you crying?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 27, 2022, 02:37:12 PM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 28, 2022, 12:39:41 PM
Missing Wife
 
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door…. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 28, 2022, 06:12:19 PM
Missing Wife
 
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door…. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

???   I thought he had a 2018 Harley Road Glide. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on August 28, 2022, 06:14:30 PM


???   I thought he had a 2018 Harley Road Glide.
[/quote]
That was his brother!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 29, 2022, 02:47:24 PM

Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the donation box at church. This went on for weeks until the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“Mrs. Bradley, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $2,000 a week.”
“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”
“I believe he is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”
“Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas…”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on August 31, 2022, 11:31:37 PM

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 50th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was eighty.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 02, 2022, 12:53:08 PM
Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall.
The first one says, "I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife."
"No worries, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, or where she is." replies the other man.
The first one suggests "Well, what does your wife look like? I can help you search if you help me too."
The other man replies, "Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?"
"Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on September 02, 2022, 06:49:17 PM
Earl, you had me worried at the beginning of your joke. At first I thought it said two men with “baby bumps”.  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cwil58 on September 02, 2022, 07:27:55 PM
Forget about mine, lets look for yours!!!!    What a guy. LMBO
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 03, 2022, 09:59:41 PM

One lazy Sunday morning, a man and his wife were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table.
Unexpectedly, the man said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."
She looked at him intently and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on September 03, 2022, 11:06:16 PM
Wow Heavy
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 04, 2022, 10:47:40 PM
Ron Chestnut, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police about 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mpbby on September 05, 2022, 11:44:03 AM
Very good!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on September 05, 2022, 03:08:02 PM
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 05, 2022, 03:14:48 PM
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"

A lot of Mildreds use to live in Art Linkletter's Sierra Dawn Estates in Hemet, CA.  ;)

Some may yet.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 05, 2022, 07:00:03 PM
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"

Read that 1 before but still made me laugh.😂😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 06, 2022, 04:53:20 PM

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, “What if the place is still bugged?”
The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Finally, he says, “AHA!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws.
He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?”
The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
The hotel manager says, “Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on September 06, 2022, 05:53:35 PM
Earl I laughed way too hard at that.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 06, 2022, 07:54:38 PM

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, “What if the place is still bugged?”
The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
Finally, he says, “AHA!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws.
He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?”
The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
The hotel manager says, “Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.”

That one got me really laughing 🤣😂🤣.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on September 09, 2022, 09:45:18 AM
A Spanish magician showed me how he can disappear on the count of three.
He goes: "uno... dos..."
And then he disappeared without a tres.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 10, 2022, 12:22:44 PM
A lady went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning, she handed him $200.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 11, 2022, 04:51:45 PM
The phone rings, and a man answers: "Thank you for calling Bob's Help Line, how can I help you?"
The caller replies: "Hi, my name is Steve and I really need your advice on a serious problem."
"That's what we are here for, can you share about your problem?"
"I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me."
"What made you suspect that?" replies the helpline man.
"The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Well, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 12, 2022, 11:59:02 AM
I don't know if this would be considered political. If it is please delete. I just got a big laugh out of it.🤣🤣🤣

Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

 

Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

 

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.

 

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on September 12, 2022, 01:43:35 PM
I don't know if this would be considered political. If it is please delete. I just got a big laugh out of it.🤣🤣🤣

Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

 

Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

 

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.

 

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery

[chuckling]

I was sure it was goingvto be a prius until the punchline hit me with a tesla.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cwil58 on September 12, 2022, 03:07:17 PM
sick of world situations. nothing more
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 12, 2022, 03:22:10 PM
It could have been Brian's disparage resulting from his wife cheating on him, his dog dying and his daughter running away to join the traveling circus that lead up to him trying to take his life and he was just embarrassed to admit it and lied about his reasons... it's pretty obvious that his thought process lacks follow through....  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 12, 2022, 05:20:35 PM
So, how much more of the rest of the story are people going to fill in?🤔🧐🧐
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on September 12, 2022, 06:20:14 PM
All that stuff happened after being abducted and examined by aliens.   He always walked funny after that exam.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 12, 2022, 06:56:12 PM
Oh this is getting good.🤣🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on September 12, 2022, 07:21:20 PM
Oh this is getting good.🤣🤣🤣

The picture I want to post violates forum rules.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on September 12, 2022, 08:50:21 PM

(https://shutupandtakemymoney.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/final-score-uk-96-us-99-betty-white-queen-elizabeth-meme.jpeg)









(https://shutupandtakemymoney.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/73-year-old-man-finally-gets-job-prince-charles-meme.jpeg)








(https://shutupandtakemymoney.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/the-rightful-king-of-england-mr-bean-meme.jpg)



WTH I was in the meme thread and it posted to the jokes thread?!... :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 12, 2022, 11:01:14 PM
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running, I figure I’d better run too!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on September 12, 2022, 11:48:36 PM
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running, I figure I’d better run too!”
LOL!!!  ;D ;D ;D
That was a good one!
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on September 13, 2022, 12:02:15 AM
I have a shirt that says Demolition on the front.
On the back it says
If You See me running
    Try to keep up
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 13, 2022, 03:43:01 AM
I don't know if this would be considered political. If it is please delete. I just got a big laugh out of it.🤣🤣🤣

Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

 

Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

 

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.

 

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery

He should have plugged it in, Duh!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 13, 2022, 09:28:25 PM
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 13, 2022, 09:31:03 PM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 13, 2022, 11:20:40 PM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
YEP!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 14, 2022, 09:20:43 AM
Earl, truer words were never written!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on September 15, 2022, 11:28:32 AM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

If getting kicked in the nuts produced a puppy, I might consider doing it again.

No wait, I'd just adopt one from the shelter.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 15, 2022, 01:07:40 PM
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.
"I am goin' huntin' tomorrow  Jimmy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you a hundred bucks."
"Yes, sir!" answers Jimmy.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, how was your day?"
Jimmy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol."
"Bravo Jimmy! The second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him Maalox, sir." says Jimmy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She lies down on the table and shouts: Help me - I haven't seen a man in over two years."
"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Jimmy!!! What did you do?”
"I put drops in her eyes!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 16, 2022, 11:44:06 AM
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on September 16, 2022, 11:54:54 AM
Good ones, Mr. Earl!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on September 16, 2022, 01:29:52 PM
Yup that was a good one.   Having been in a court quite a few times, I can tell you that laughter is rare.  But there should be lots of laughter based on the amount of unbelievably stupid testimony.   And people messed up on substances can be amusing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 17, 2022, 11:21:05 AM
Betty Lou thinks she got jokes...
She said man was created before woman because there always needs to be a rough draft before a masterpiece....  ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 17, 2022, 11:23:04 AM
A police officer radioes in to the station.
"Sarge, we have a situation here."
"Yes? Go ahead" comes back the answer.
"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on September 17, 2022, 08:24:24 PM
Betty Lou thinks she got jokes...
She said man was created before woman because there always needs to be a rough draft before a masterpiece....  ???
Ahh, but was she not supposed to have been fabricated from a spare part?...  ;)
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 19, 2022, 06:26:22 PM
   
 

   
   
Circle Flies
 
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn’t know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.
He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies.”
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. “Circle flies are common on farms. They’re called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse.”
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, “Hey, are you trying to call me a horse’s behind?”
“Oh no, officer.” The farmer replies. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.”
“That’s a good thing,” the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 21, 2022, 11:56:45 AM
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money." "He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabbie said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2022, 12:51:55 PM
https://youtube.com/watch?v=OZDY8tKEqbk&feature=share&si=EMSIkaIECMiOmarE6JChQQ

3 reasons to stop drinking beer.😳😱🤣🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 21, 2022, 02:24:20 PM
I don't know if this would be considered political. If it is please delete. I just got a big laugh out of it.🤣🤣🤣

Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

 

Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

 

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.

 

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery

[chuckling]

I was sure it was goingvto be a prius until the punchline hit me with a tesla.
Reminds me of an episode of south park where cartman was going to kill himself because he could no longer understand a world where high school musical was popular, the next day at school he says he tried but his mom's hybrid didn't do the trick.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 21, 2022, 02:31:37 PM
A police officer radioes in to the station.
"Sarge, we have a situation here."
"Yes? Go ahead" comes back the answer.
"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
My mom used to run us off with a broom.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on September 21, 2022, 03:18:34 PM
I don't know if this would be considered political. If it is please delete. I just got a big laugh out of it.🤣🤣🤣

Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

 

Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

 

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.

 

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery

[chuckling]

I was sure it was goingvto be a prius until the punchline hit me with a tesla.
Reminds me of an episode of south park where cartman was going to kill himself because he could no longer understand a world where high school musical was popular, the next day at school he says he tried but his mom's hybrid didn't do the trick.

Hilarious! Cartman moments are now running through my mind's eye.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: customcutter on September 22, 2022, 12:07:23 PM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

If getting kicked in the nuts produced a puppy, I might consider doing it again.

No wait, I'd just adopt one from the shelter.

Trust me if it took getting kicked in the nuts to produce a puppy or kitten, we wouldn't have any animal shelters. ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on September 25, 2022, 09:39:08 PM
Betty Lou thinks she got jokes...
She said man was created before woman because there always needs to be a rough draft before a masterpiece....  ???

Then Eve messed up and it's all been downhill ever since. Forbidden fruits made many jams.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on September 25, 2022, 10:35:33 PM
Cut the @$%^ Bill and Gil you know better.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 26, 2022, 09:01:41 AM
Gladiator's Monday
A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up.



He was now both unarmed and defeated.

----------------------------------------------------

Give a man a fish...
He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. Give the man some dynamite and there will be little chunks of fish all over the village.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 26, 2022, 03:29:58 PM
A husband, trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, “What?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 26, 2022, 05:39:38 PM
Only 14,999 to go.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 26, 2022, 05:43:40 PM
I said, there are 3 flys in this house, 1 male and two females.
She said, how do you know what sex they are.
I said because this one is sitting on my beer and the those two are sitting over there on the phone.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 26, 2022, 05:48:52 PM
My wife told me to take out the spyder instead of killing it... So I did.
We had a few drinks, and some talking... Turns out He is really a nice guy.
....
He's a web developer.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 26, 2022, 05:50:17 PM
You know you're bored when you unblock the "Back Room" notifications...  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on September 26, 2022, 05:58:12 PM
My wife told me to take out the spyder instead of killing it... So I did.
We had a few drinks, and some talking... Turns out He is really a nice guy.
....
He's a web developer.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 26, 2022, 06:03:40 PM
 I got fired from the Bank today.
A woman asked me to check her Ballance....
So I pushed her.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 27, 2022, 05:21:04 AM
My wife told me to take out the spyder instead of killing it... So I did.
We had a few drinks, and some talking... Turns out He is really a nice guy.
....
He's a web developer.

     (https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.tenor.com%2Fimages%2Fbae4bf5a6feb43ec27f33ee15227ed84%2Ftenor.gif&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=3a80a5361d64e51fbe62074aed0d58843fb5b9779ed29063ac05bf6a5e9eb07c&ipo=images)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 28, 2022, 09:27:26 PM

A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve. The mall was packed with shoppers.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife suddenly noticed her husband was nowhere around. Very upset because they had a lot of shopping left to do, she used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband picked up and in a calm voice said, “Honey do you remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with a diamond necklace ? I told you then we couldn't afford it, but one day I was going to buy you that necklace."
With a pounding heart, the wife started to cry. “Yes, yes, sweetheart, I remember exactly where that jewelry store is located."
The husband said, “Well I'm in the bar right next to it."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on September 29, 2022, 04:19:28 PM

A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve. The mall was packed with shoppers.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife suddenly noticed her husband was nowhere around. Very upset because they had a lot of shopping left to do, she used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband picked up and in a calm voice said, “Honey do you remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with a diamond necklace ? I told you then we couldn't afford it, but one day I was going to buy you that necklace."
With a pounding heart, the wife started to cry. “Yes, yes, sweetheart, I remember exactly where that jewelry store is located."
The husband said, “Well I'm in the bar right next to it."

Bwahahahaha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on September 30, 2022, 03:43:46 PM

My wife and I always hold hands.

If I let go, she goes and shops with my money.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 01, 2022, 03:03:59 PM
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the *(&^ out of college students!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 01, 2022, 03:06:57 PM
AWESOME!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 01, 2022, 03:18:24 PM
Hoosier Momma says I have two major faults..
  I don't listen...
.... and something else.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on October 02, 2022, 10:26:33 AM
https://youtu.be/JpxQDE1mqcs
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bimota on October 08, 2022, 08:43:34 AM
Found this funny
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 08, 2022, 09:33:09 AM
There is only ONE thing I can't deal with...
.
.
.
That's a deck of cards glued together.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on October 08, 2022, 11:41:47 AM
thanks Scott, that a great one!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 08, 2022, 07:10:10 PM
Been digging out some old Grand Dad jokes.

What did the Dog say when it sat on sand-paper?
.
.
.
"Ruff"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 11, 2022, 03:04:58 PM
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first."
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done. Very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day. Now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 14, 2022, 01:07:16 PM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork decided to give up practicing medicine.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, so he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 14, 2022, 02:03:30 PM
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on October 14, 2022, 03:00:53 PM
A blind man was walking by a fish market.  Tipped his hat and said good morning, ladies.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 19, 2022, 04:10:51 PM
A man was driving down the road when the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming curses in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on October 19, 2022, 04:31:37 PM
gracious! That is so NOT "Woke" but I LOVE IT!
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 26, 2022, 05:01:08 PM

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, has owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and lime trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on October 26, 2022, 10:27:45 PM
Why does a duck have feathers?




To cover his butt quack!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on October 27, 2022, 06:48:40 AM
Why does a duck have feathers?




To cover his butt quack!

Dahahaha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 27, 2022, 04:35:01 PM

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, has owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and lime trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

I love it!!!!!🤣😂🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 27, 2022, 08:59:21 PM
Torn where to post this but here we go...

https://youtube.com/shorts/EMdbD6E9jWA?feature=share
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 27, 2022, 09:29:28 PM

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $2,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We're getting a new kitchen.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on October 27, 2022, 10:45:06 PM
Do not rub the gravy boat...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVPj0Q-gTOo
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 28, 2022, 12:13:05 PM
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?" The blonde said it was hers.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said. The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool in the shade of that tree."
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the blonde. "My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to mate!"
The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: cwil58 on October 29, 2022, 09:08:10 AM
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on October 29, 2022, 10:24:01 AM
Heard in the local cafe.
Customer:  What is the special today?

Waitress: Cows tounge

Customer:  I don't want anything that came out of a cows mouth.  Just give me a couple of eggs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 29, 2022, 03:53:24 PM
An oldie but goodie.


A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley... YOU RIDE IT!!".......

I reminded my daughter that she started out on a Honda
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on October 31, 2022, 12:48:01 PM
A wife comes home late one night, arriving a day early from being out of town.
She quietly enters the house and goes straight to the bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
“Hi, Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on October 31, 2022, 07:16:52 PM
Oops!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 02, 2022, 02:10:59 PM
Two gals lived next door to each other and were good friends.
Every morning, after their husbands left for work and the kids were off to school, they would just relax and have coffee together, smoking and talking.
One morning, one turned to the other and said, "Do you ever smoke after you've had sex?"
The friend looked a bit blank for a minute then responded, "Don't know, never looked."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 13, 2022, 03:45:22 PM
A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt.
After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life."
The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy Land, but he had only traveled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend.
"What is the problem?" asked the knight.
His best friend replied: "You gave me the wrong key."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 14, 2022, 01:38:21 PM
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer." Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech." And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber." Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on November 19, 2022, 11:31:13 PM
Automotive oddities:  https://youtu.be/2cmKhnifB50?t=115
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 20, 2022, 12:33:13 AM
https://youtu.be/HRM0Q-mWFUE
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on November 20, 2022, 05:44:54 AM
Automotive oddities:  https://youtu.be/2cmKhnifB50?t=115

That's some scary stuff.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 21, 2022, 12:34:19 PM
Lie Detecting Robot
 
 
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John at dinner.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this is a lie detecting robot, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!"
With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Brett W. on November 21, 2022, 01:54:26 PM
That was an honest to goodness LOL Earl! Thanks!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on November 21, 2022, 08:07:48 PM
Reminds of ol' Buford T Justice.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sn9-nNLzcWE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sn9-nNLzcWE)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RonsPlc on November 21, 2022, 09:26:31 PM
A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.
She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!".
She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 22, 2022, 11:40:55 AM

I can't get caught laughing at blonde jokes because my wife is a blonde.   
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on November 22, 2022, 01:05:33 PM

I can't get caught laughing at blonde jokes because my wife is a blonde.
FYI - blonde is NOT a hair color. It is a state of mind!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on November 22, 2022, 04:40:20 PM
What did the blonde say the first time she had sex?


“Are you guys all on the same team?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on November 22, 2022, 05:34:38 PM

I can't get caught laughing at blonde jokes because my wife is a blonde.

I guess you found out the hard way?
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 22, 2022, 07:06:26 PM
I gave my daughters such a hard time about being blonde that none of them have been blonde since their later teen years. I just tell them it's artificial intelligence.🤗🤗
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on November 22, 2022, 09:24:28 PM
My sister is blonde, and one time she couldn't figure out to get into her car to retrieve something she needed because her cars battery was dead and the key fob wouldn't work.
The key was right there in her hand on the same keychain no less.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on November 22, 2022, 10:09:54 PM
Don't have to be blonde to do that.  Oh, modern times.
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 24, 2022, 01:56:16 PM
Solid Witness
 
 A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied, “Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches.”
“What? How come you are so sure of that distance?” asked the lawyer.
“Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So, I measured it!” replied the carpenter.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 26, 2022, 08:02:37 PM
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural road. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
Again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign. It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers." The sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on November 26, 2022, 08:24:36 PM
I was expecting a speed trap sign...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on November 29, 2022, 07:50:45 PM
I am taking Viagra for my sunburn...
Doesn't cure it but keeps the sheets off my legs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 29, 2022, 09:02:25 PM
I am taking Viagra for my sunburn...
Doesn't cure it but keeps the sheets off my legs.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on November 30, 2022, 10:13:17 AM
A 3rd grade teacher often gave her students Lifesavers as a treat. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red...................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Purple ...............Grape
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're a-holes!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 30, 2022, 10:55:02 AM
Oldie but goodie.🤣🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 03, 2022, 01:50:43 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
One thing that got everyone’s attention, was a huge flower covered heart on the wall behind the casket.
After the usual sermon by a preacher and testimonials from friends and colleagues, everyone finally learned the purpose of the huge heart.
After a moment of silence, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
The long, stunned hush of the mourners was broken when a man near the front burst into laughter.
The preacher demanded an explanation.
“I’m sorry,” the man said, “I just pictured my own funeral.”
“And why would that be funny?” inquired annoyed preacher.
“I’m a proctologist!” said the man chuckling.


Sarcastic Al Says:
Marriage is a game of give and take.
If you don't give it to her, she will take it from you.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: nced on December 03, 2022, 04:17:47 PM
Holiday decoration hazards!

(https://i.imgur.com/fRQ8wMh.png)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on December 03, 2022, 04:46:24 PM
Now I have a new favorite Christmas decoration.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 03, 2022, 09:18:47 PM
I rate that one a 10!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 04, 2022, 07:13:01 AM
I am SO doing that... TODAY!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 04, 2022, 11:24:01 AM
 I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

 The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

  When you’re seventy one.........who cares?

 *********

 

 I went to the Club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

 The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

 I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

 When you’re seventy one.........who cares?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 06, 2022, 07:49:41 AM
Holiday decoration hazards!

(https://i.imgur.com/fRQ8wMh.png)
This just may change my mind about not doing holiday decorations.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 06, 2022, 07:49:34 PM
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"
In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss."
In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!"
Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements."
The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 07, 2022, 11:29:11 AM

Dang, I didn't know they'd recorded me???? 😳


https://youtube.com/shorts/a64aJFyZzO8?feature=share
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 08, 2022, 02:35:36 PM
Lion Tamer
 
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"I can figure it out!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the &^^& that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no &^^& on the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. If that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some &^^& on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 08, 2022, 09:05:01 PM
https://youtu.be/RqnjN9W-Tr0
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 08, 2022, 09:09:59 PM
https://youtu.be/-D2g1-c4TuY
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 08, 2022, 09:10:24 PM
https://youtu.be/ZEHWyjSuOuY
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 08, 2022, 09:17:28 PM
https://youtu.be/bzbzgwttgNo
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 09, 2022, 02:18:04 PM
Sarcastic Al Says:
 
I don’t go crazy.
I am crazy.
And I go normal from time to time.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 09, 2022, 06:07:12 PM
Rodney one liners ... pull up a chair.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GfWXN5Lp1s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GfWXN5Lp1s)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 09, 2022, 07:15:23 PM
Arguing with SWMBO she asked me "Am I driving you crazy?"
I told her "No. Thats's just a short walk for me."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 10, 2022, 07:01:40 AM
Yeah, that would require shifting into reverse.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 10, 2022, 11:38:16 AM
Arguing with SWMBO she asked me "Am I driving you crazy?"
I told her "No. Thats's just a short walk for me."

I just say it's a very short trip
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 10, 2022, 12:42:17 PM
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on December 11, 2022, 07:15:27 PM
Rodney one liners ... pull up a chair.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GfWXN5Lp1s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GfWXN5Lp1s)

I was just thinking about ol' Dr Vinny Boombatz yesterday. Good stuff thanks!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 11, 2022, 08:27:52 PM
Stingy Old Man
 
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on December 11, 2022, 11:24:51 PM
Now Earl that was really a good one.  Something my wife would do I believe.
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 13, 2022, 11:08:29 AM
MY Senior's Speech

 

A couple of us local retired guys from the Senior Center were asked to address a high school gathering put on by the PTA.




As luck would have it, I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bs, and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show,




I threw it open for questions. The last one asked was,




"Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?”




I said, “That’s an easy one. Looking back over my 5-plus decades, I believe I've spent close to 90 percent of my earnings on booze and whores.. The rest I just wasted.”




I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by,
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 13, 2022, 07:55:04 PM
Supermarket Sale
 
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up.
At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher in a rather mean and arrogant manner.
"Don't worry," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, the butcher's voice came booming over the speaker system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

   
Sarcastic Al Says:
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 14, 2022, 06:46:24 AM
Happy holidays and good eating.  ;)

(https://i.imgur.com/gmZgoitm.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 14, 2022, 09:58:54 AM
A wish to live forever


I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "that is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."

"Fine," I said. "Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You're a crafty little (&#^((&^*," replied the fairy.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on December 14, 2022, 10:07:54 AM
Uh Oh
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 14, 2022, 07:06:24 PM
The Commandments for Seniors . . .

1. You don't need any "dang" anger management. You just need people to stop ^*%$#@ you off.

2. Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for darn fool idiots that needs some work.

3. Quit your complaining. My "On Time" is when I get there.

4. Even strong duct tape can't fix stupid – but, it sure helps to muffle that sound.

5. It would be wonderful, if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; then come out wrinkle-free . . . and three sizes smaller.

6. Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

7. "One for the road" means peeing, before you leave the house.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 14, 2022, 07:12:46 PM

How true that is!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 15, 2022, 09:53:39 AM
"One for the road" for me means pulling over to the side of the road and letting it rip.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 15, 2022, 12:02:24 PM
"One for the road" for me means pulling over to the side of the road and letting it rip.
Don't do that in Kali. 2 friends and I were riding from the cajon pass over to big Bear on our dual sport m/c. After about an hour we reached hyw 138 just below Silverwood lake and 1 of my buddies needed to pee. Where the trail met the hyw and where he was peeing was between 60 and 90 yards from the road with his back turned to the road. CHP officer came rolling by about that time and gave him a ticket for peeing in public. Yes, this was decades ago.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on December 15, 2022, 12:05:43 PM
  "knowing, without a GPS or roadmap, where all the open public bathrooms are between your house and your destination." ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 15, 2022, 12:17:45 PM
"One for the road" for me means pulling over to the side of the road and letting it rip.
Don't do that in Kali. 2 friends and I were riding from the cajon pass over to big Bear on our dual sport m/c. After about an hour we reached hyw 138 just below Silverwood lake and 1 of my buddies needed to pee. Where the trail met the hyw and where he was peeing was between 60 and 90 yards from the road with his back turned to the road. CHP officer came rolling by about that time and gave him a ticket for peeing in public. Yes, this was decades ago.
Just another reason for me not to want to live there.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on December 15, 2022, 02:57:54 PM
A woman died along I80 in Pennsylvania several years ago when they stopped at night to pee along the road. She went over the guide rail and fell to her death. Had they traveled less than 1/2 mile they would have seen the "Rest Area 2 miles ahead" sign.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 15, 2022, 07:04:58 PM
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.
So in other words, nothing is going to change.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 15, 2022, 07:08:49 PM
I suffer from 2 phobias:
The Phobia-Phobia, the fear of that you're unable to get scared, and Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 15, 2022, 10:11:13 PM
😳😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 15, 2022, 10:13:29 PM
"One for the road" for me means pulling over to the side of the road and letting it rip.
Don't do that in Kali. 2 friends and I were riding from the cajon pass over to big Bear on our dual sport m/c. After about an hour we reached hyw 138 just below Silverwood lake and 1 of my buddies needed to pee. Where the trail met the hyw and where he was peeing was between 60 and 90 yards from the road with his back turned to the road. CHP officer came rolling by about that time and gave him a ticket for peeing in public. Yes, this was decades ago.
Just another reason for me not to want to live there.
That's 1 of many reasons I won't live there anymore.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on December 16, 2022, 12:25:00 AM
State Trooper once told me that if you have to pee, pull off to the side and open your hood. Stand close and appear to be checking out your engine. Anyone passes will think you are checking out a radiator leak.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 16, 2022, 01:38:56 AM
State Trooper once told me that if you have to pee, pull off to the side and open your hood. Stand close and appear to be checking out your engine. Anyone passes will think you are checking out a radiator leak.
🧐😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on December 16, 2022, 02:17:27 AM
How's that work for women?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on December 16, 2022, 07:30:18 AM
State Trooper once told me that if you have to pee, pull off to the side and open your hood. Stand close and appear to be checking out your engine. Anyone passes will think you are checking out a radiator leak.

I did something similar but open door and an atlis. The statey that stopped mid stream never knew just thanked me for stopping to look at the map and drove off.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 16, 2022, 07:59:32 AM
It must be cold outside.. my internet keeps freezing..  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 16, 2022, 11:37:19 AM
How's that work for women?
Next time you see a woman ask her?🧐😳🫣🤔🤣😂🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 16, 2022, 12:00:54 PM
There are 'Pointers' and 'Setters'. 
End of Line.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on December 16, 2022, 01:34:41 PM
Yeah well with the recent discovery of a spectrum of intersex individuals I wouldn't be too sure that there aren't more self proclaimed varieties.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 16, 2022, 01:46:19 PM
Lawn Chores
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 16, 2022, 07:58:22 PM
Yeah well with the recent discovery of a spectrum of intersex individuals I wouldn't be too sure that there aren't more self proclaimed varieties.
That would be for humans not dogs. Dogs are WAY smarter than that.👍
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 16, 2022, 08:57:00 PM
It must be cold outside.. my internet keeps freezing..  :o

Is this your new neighbor?

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on December 16, 2022, 09:12:54 PM
How's that work for women?
Next time you see a woman ask her?🧐😳🫣🤔🤣😂🤣

Believe me, it's not easy. Ya'll wanted to know.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bimota on December 16, 2022, 09:17:37 PM
Yep
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 17, 2022, 07:12:23 AM
How's that work for women?
Next time you see a woman ask her?🧐😳🫣🤔🤣😂🤣

Believe me, it's not easy. Ya'll wanted to know.  ;)
Act like you're checking your tire pressure instead.  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 17, 2022, 09:55:49 AM
Betty Lou has a camo utility box on the back rack of her atv. One of the most important thing she checks before a ride is to make sure she has a roll of TP in a qt. zip lock bag in it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on December 17, 2022, 01:48:48 PM
Betty Lou has a camo utility box on the back rack of her atv. One of the most important thing she checks before a ride is to make sure she has a roll of TP in a qt. zip lock bag in it.

I remember from about 60 years ago, my hunter safety instructor telling us that your hunting license was the most important thing you bring into the woods and toilet paper was the second most important thing.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 17, 2022, 03:39:33 PM
I use to always have some TP in my tool pack when going on long dirt bike rides.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Robert 5mm on December 17, 2022, 04:22:25 PM
This is a ? ( Probably should be in Meme of the Day )
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bimota on December 18, 2022, 11:45:34 AM
I have a few friends that would be much better off with just their motorcycle.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on December 18, 2022, 11:53:23 AM
And then if you're lucky you find a woman who has her own motorcycle.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 18, 2022, 12:01:57 PM
And then if you're lucky you find a woman who has her own motorcycle.
.... and can work on it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 18, 2022, 03:28:22 PM
I have probably posted a version of this before... but this time of year always reminds me of it.
 ;)


Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.

After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on December 20, 2022, 08:17:13 PM
Christmas time...so this is spiritual...
One day God looked down on earth and was very saddened by what humans had done to it.  He snapped his fingers and who he thinks are the 3 most influential people appeared before Him.  God explained the situation to them and send them back to tell earth's citizens.  Biden goes on tv via satellite and says his message to the Free World: I have Good news and Bad news....There is a God, but He says we've ruined the world, and He will release a plague and exterminate all humans in a week.  Putin release his message via cold war radio and tv technology to the Red Bloc countries:  I have Bad News and Worst News...There is a God, but He will destroy us in a week for polluting the planet.  Bill Gates goes on social media thru internet and types: I have Great News and Fantastic News...God thinks I'm one of three most influential people, and you don't have to upgrade Windows 10.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 21, 2022, 12:19:47 PM
Cross-Dresser
 
Smith and Jones were playing racquetball in the local gym.
After the game, they went into the locker room to change, and Smith is shocked and amazed to see Jones wearing a lace bra and garter belt.
Smith: "My God, Jones, when did you start wearing women's underwear?"
Jones: "Ever since my wife found them in the glove compartment of my car!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on December 22, 2022, 10:57:23 AM
Some people don't understand the origin of "Z" as a symbol of Putin's military might.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 22, 2022, 11:20:33 AM
Christmas time...so this is spiritual...
One day God looked down on earth and was very saddened by what humans had done to it.  He snapped his fingers and who he thinks are the 3 most influential people appeared before Him.  God explained the situation to them and send them back to tell earth's citizens.  Biden goes on tv via satellite and says his message to the Free World: I have Good news and Bad news....There is a God, but He says we've ruined the world, and He will release a plague and exterminate all humans in a week.  Putin release his message via cold war radio and tv technology to the Red Bloc countries:  I have Bad News and Worst News...There is a God, but He will destroy us in a week for polluting the planet.  Bill Gates goes on social media thru internet and types: I have Great News and Fantastic News...God thinks I'm one of three most influential people, and you don't have to upgrade Windows 10.
Change Biden to Trump and the joke would work better.
When Trump talks people listen , when Biden talks people to figure out what he just said.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on December 22, 2022, 11:38:09 AM
Guys let's not continue with the political bs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on December 22, 2022, 12:21:43 PM
Christmas time...so this is spiritual...
One day God looked down on earth and was very saddened by what humans had done to it.  He snapped his fingers and who he thinks are the 3 most influential people appeared before Him.  God explained the situation to them and send them back to tell earth's citizens.  Biden goes on tv via satellite and says his message to the Free World: I have Good news and Bad news....There is a God, but He says we've ruined the world, and He will release a plague and exterminate all humans in a week.  Putin release his message via cold war radio and tv technology to the Red Bloc countries:  I have Bad News and Worst News...There is a God, but He will destroy us in a week for polluting the planet.  Bill Gates goes on social media thru internet and types: I have Great News and Fantastic News...God thinks I'm one of three most influential people, and you don't have to upgrade Windows 10.

Boy, did you mess up BAD!!! Window 11 is the latest!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 22, 2022, 12:26:30 PM
I suppose we've already outlived the expectancy.. I'm still using Windows 7.   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 22, 2022, 07:57:17 PM
Issues with Pleasure
 
An old man went to the doctor.
He said, "Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to."
The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, "Can I ask you how old you are, sir?"
"I'm 87.", said the old man.
"87!", exclaimed the doctor, "How old is your wife?"
"She's 92.", was the reply.
The doctor was astonished by this, and said, "So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is 92 and you are worried that you don't get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?"
"That is correct." said the old man, "What can you do to help me?"
"Well," said the doctor, "when did you first notice this problem?".
The old man looked thoughtful, "I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning."
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on December 23, 2022, 11:52:07 AM
Cross Examination
 
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.
"No I did not," the doctor said.
"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 23, 2022, 12:02:31 PM
Hey Canada, come get your weather it's drunk and down here in Texas! 😡
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 27, 2022, 06:12:54 PM
A blind Man went into a restaurant
"Menu Sir?" asked the owner.

"I'm blind, just bring me one if your dirty forks. I will smell it and order"

The confused Owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.

The blind man smelt the fork and with a deep breath said...
"Yes, I will have the the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables."

"Unbelievable!" thought the owner...
The blind man ate and left.

2 weeks later the blind man returned.

The owner, wanting to see just how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said...
   "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part!!"
which she did.

He then goes to the man and gives him the fork.

The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says "interesting! I never knew Brenda worked here!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on January 02, 2023, 02:19:42 PM
https://youtu.be/83qWYbpbMe4 (https://youtu.be/83qWYbpbMe4)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 02, 2023, 02:34:16 PM
😂🤣😂🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 03, 2023, 05:50:03 PM
Great Movie...

https://youtu.be/Y-aPp7Kiiyg
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 04, 2023, 12:50:23 PM
Tom cotter is my favorite current living comedian.
Probably one of my all time favorites next to Norm Mcdonald and Rodney Dangerfield who are both dead.
https://youtu.be/09V4WIQzwdo

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 04, 2023, 08:04:26 PM
"He lists me last! Gee thanks! No respect at all I tell ya!"
 
(https://s1.qwant.com/thumbr/0x380/2/9/ec6538760b96815ce008d85f3db0e7142f773059c490c00166ff261d30f41d/RodneyDangerfield-_orig.jpeg?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jamesaltucher.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F02%2FRodneyDangerfield-_orig.jpeg&q=0&b=1&p=0&a=0)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 04, 2023, 08:32:37 PM
"He lists me last! Gee thanks! No respect at all I tell ya!"
 
(https://s1.qwant.com/thumbr/0x380/2/9/ec6538760b96815ce008d85f3db0e7142f773059c490c00166ff261d30f41d/RodneyDangerfield-_orig.jpeg?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jamesaltucher.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F02%2FRodneyDangerfield-_orig.jpeg&q=0&b=1&p=0&a=0)
Well he's been dead longer.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 06, 2023, 06:00:53 PM
If math is "mathematical"...
And a quiz is "quizzical"...
What are tests?

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 06, 2023, 06:44:05 PM
Nuts?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on January 06, 2023, 07:07:52 PM
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of??
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 06, 2023, 08:14:03 PM
What has four stander-uppers
Four puller-downers
two hookers
two lookers
and a swidhy-wishy?

Answer tomorrow.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on January 06, 2023, 08:32:17 PM
Moooo.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on January 07, 2023, 09:56:43 PM
Moooo.

Yep
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on January 07, 2023, 11:54:56 PM
If math is "mathematical"...
And a quiz is "quizzical"...
What are tests?

Detestable?

I had a professor that liked to make us write short surprise tests.   Small ones.  He called them the answer to the above question.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 08, 2023, 01:13:19 PM

A Quick Swim
 
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

           
Sarcastic Al Says:
Every day my teenage son reminds me I am not young enough to know everything.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 12, 2023, 01:50:04 PM
A man rushes home and from the door bellows "Guess what I heard in the bar today?"
The wife smiles and replies "Some new gossip from your buddies?"
The man nods excitedly and says "They said the milkman has slept with every woman on our block except one." Here he gives his wife a proud smile.
The wife frowns, thinks about it for a moment and replies, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis in No. 23. She hates blue collar workers."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 19, 2023, 05:03:52 PM
Merits of a Mistress
 
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on January 19, 2023, 05:18:47 PM
Earl that computer scientist has it all figured out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 19, 2023, 05:54:34 PM
I suppose us airgunners can say the same thing....  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on January 20, 2023, 01:28:42 PM
@Earl....a few jokes above this.  A father peeps into his daughter's bedroom...she's on her knees just finishing her prayers before hopping into bed, her last line is, "Please Lord, embrace and take care of grandmom".  The dad thinks, "Aw...that's nice".  Next day the grandmother passed away.

A few weeks later...the same scenerio...but this time the daughter says, "Please Lord, embrace Frisky (Their cat) and take care of her".  Next day their cat dies.  The father thought that must have been a coincidence.  Three days later the dad peeks in and hear the little girl finish her prayers by saying, "Please Lord, embrace daddy and take care of him".  Now, the dad is very worried....  Next day for the whole day he was petrified...finally he makes it home after work and was grateful that he didn't die....only a few more hours and the day is over.  He opens the door and see his wife had been crying...he asks her what happened...  She says, the milkman had a heart attack and died as he was leaving milk at their front door.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on January 20, 2023, 01:42:53 PM
@Bantam5s, Mobilehomer and Avator concerning joke # 4401, first time I heard that joke President Bush was used, I'm with Avator...I'm using Windows 7...yikes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: gamo2hammerli on January 20, 2023, 01:55:39 PM
@Earl again...joke #4408...Issues with Pleasure.  Bob and Joe, both in their mid-70's were sipping coffee and reading the newspaper in their favourite coffee shop.  Bob says, "Hey, you heard about Phil?...He's been using Viagra for a month now".  Joe replies, "No kidding...how's it working out for him?"  Bob says, "He's having sex 4 times a day!!!"  "Holy smokes...what does his wife think about it??" says Joe.  "Don't know" says Bob, "He haven't been home yet".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 20, 2023, 01:56:23 PM
Oh, she got jokes....

Me: "What's for dinner?"
Her: "Nothing."
Me: "We had that last night."
Her: "Yeah, we're having leftovers."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 20, 2023, 08:52:43 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a BIG FAT LIAR!. He's never been out of the yard."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on January 22, 2023, 09:17:22 AM
I just got a pet beaver.
I named him Clint Eatswood.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 22, 2023, 05:31:12 PM
What a coincidence!
 I got a new House Plant....
Named it Robert.... seems to fit.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 23, 2023, 10:26:24 AM
😏😏😏😏
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on January 23, 2023, 07:22:07 PM
What a coincidence!
 I got a new House Plant....
Named it Robert.... seems to fit.
Bet that went over like a Led balloon.......
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 23, 2023, 08:44:17 PM
What a coincidence!
 I got a new House Plant....
Named it Robert.... seems to fit.

Should I get a Bird and name it Larry ?

If a book was titled Jimmy, would it be full of Jimmy Page's ?


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 23, 2023, 10:41:47 PM
What a coincidence!
 I got a new House Plant....
Named it Robert.... seems to fit.

Should I get a Bird and name it Larry ?

If a book was titled Jimmy, would it be full of Jimmy Page's ?


These are so bad there good
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 23, 2023, 10:43:27 PM
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of??


What is baby oil made of?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 24, 2023, 08:05:26 AM
I picked a daisy and called it 880. 
Yeah, Betty Lou wasn't impressed either...  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 24, 2023, 01:08:06 PM
Cable guy walks up to a house and knocks on the door for a service call.
A 10 year old boy answers the door. He's wearing a dress and high heels.
In his one hand is a cigar and in the other is a bottle of Jim Beam.
Cable Guy says "Are your Parents home?"
Kid takes a puff off the cigar and then a long drink of the Beam.
"What the heck you think?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 24, 2023, 07:47:02 PM
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on January 24, 2023, 07:56:24 PM
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Had they been camping and entered their canvas shelters they would have been...in tents....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 24, 2023, 08:06:21 PM
Hahaha!


I went into the bathroom and the sign said "employees must wash hands"
I got tired of waiting so washed my own.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on January 25, 2023, 12:57:14 AM
Hahaha!


I went into the bathroom and the sign said "employees must wash hands"
I got tired of waiting so washed my own.
Is that what those signs mean?
I always look at the sign and think to myself " I'm glad I don't work here "  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on January 25, 2023, 05:01:02 AM
Hahaha!

I went into the bathroom and the sign said "employees must wash hands"
I got tired of waiting so washed my own.
Is that what those signs mean?
I always look at the sign and think to myself " I'm glad I don't work here "  ;D

Hahaha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 25, 2023, 06:51:04 AM
"Please tip the wait staff/bartenders" is the one that gets me in trouble.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 25, 2023, 11:58:22 AM
The tip I give is you need a better job.😱
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 25, 2023, 11:59:07 AM
"Please tip the wait staff/bartenders" is the one that gets me in trouble.
😄😅🤣😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on January 25, 2023, 12:37:05 PM
Notice to my Grand kids:

Due to the high cost of Eggs this year I'll be hiding Potatoes for you to find this Easter.
We will also be coloring potatoes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 25, 2023, 12:38:19 PM
The tip I give is you need a better job.😱
I hope you say that after they bring your food.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 25, 2023, 01:10:54 PM
The tip I give is you need a better job.😱
I hope you say that after they bring your food.
🤣😂🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 25, 2023, 01:54:15 PM
Tipping cows gives "Tip the waitress!" a whole new meaning.   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 25, 2023, 01:55:35 PM
'zacty my point..  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 25, 2023, 08:26:47 PM
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Hmm could this be considered the best joke of all time?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 25, 2023, 09:29:25 PM
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Hmm could this be considered the best joke of all time?
Nice!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on January 25, 2023, 09:58:41 PM
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Hmm could this be considered the best joke of all time?
Nice!!

I know more than one person who wont get it. 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 25, 2023, 10:22:22 PM
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Hmm could this be considered the best joke of all time?
It's timeless.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on January 26, 2023, 09:07:00 AM
Wash, rinse, and repeat.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 26, 2023, 01:01:25 PM
Children's Sermon
 
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said,
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
Moral: Don't let your kids watch too much TV.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on January 27, 2023, 10:09:59 PM
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when Bubba suddenly says, “I think I’m gonna divorce the wife. She ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Earl spits overboard, takes a long slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over buddy.  Women like that are hard to find.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 28, 2023, 08:08:14 AM
Adultery is a sin...
You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on January 28, 2023, 10:26:02 AM
Adultery is a sin...
You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Wanna Bet? ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on January 28, 2023, 03:00:44 PM
I heard that when the feds raided Scarface's garden, he yelled, "Say ALOE to my little friends!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on January 28, 2023, 07:10:03 PM
Jose went to his first American NASCAR race. Afterwards, back home, he was telling his family how friendly the NASCAR community was.
"Before the race they all stood up and asked.... Jose, can you see?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on January 28, 2023, 07:56:44 PM
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on January 28, 2023, 08:51:35 PM
Jose went to his first American NASCAR race. Afterwards, back home, he was telling his family how friendly the NASCAR community was.
"Before the race they all stood up and asked.... Jose, can you see?"
Sank you bery much for making me snort beer out my nose!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Trucker3573 on January 28, 2023, 09:38:48 PM
Funny meme
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on January 28, 2023, 09:51:52 PM
Sister and Priest
 
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
Sister: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own "dang" blanket!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 29, 2023, 11:16:36 AM
You know, I've always heard that exercise can make me look better necked but I also know so can alcohol.🫣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on January 29, 2023, 01:53:24 PM
^TRUTH!^
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on January 29, 2023, 06:35:19 PM
Nothing makes a guy look better than having $$$. Women overlook a lot when guys have that.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on January 29, 2023, 07:27:58 PM
I seen a meme about that I cant share it here but money makes ugly people very attractive LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 01, 2023, 03:14:03 PM
Is Dad Home?
 
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!"
The boy thought for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 02, 2023, 03:19:34 PM
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ...."

-- Dan Quayle

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 02, 2023, 04:07:59 PM
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the hottest ho with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and have sex with her three times a day.”
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie?” the teacher asks.
Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s ho.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on February 02, 2023, 04:28:19 PM
Now that's a good one Earl.
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 03, 2023, 02:26:09 PM
Snoring Solution
 
This couple has a dog that snored. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he could help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says and walks away.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed and falls asleep happy.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
Awaken, the woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman falls asleep and sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, "Buddy, I don't know where we were or what we did last night, but we took first and second place!'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 03, 2023, 03:42:36 PM
Had to share that 1.😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 04, 2023, 10:01:01 AM
yep.... what does a yellow ribbon mean?    :o

Oh c r a p.... 3rd place to a drunk and his dog...    :-\
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 04, 2023, 10:07:45 AM
Quote
"Buddy, I don't know where we were or what we did last night, but we took first and second place!'

BWA-HA-HA!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 05, 2023, 08:33:56 PM
Naked Man
 
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 06, 2023, 10:34:21 PM
Bill and Bob, two ten year olds, were sitting in the waiting room of a pediatric clinic.
Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
“Why are you crying?” Bob asked.
“I came here for a blood test,” sobbed Bill.
“So? Are you afraid?”
“No. For the blood test, but mom said they will cut my finger to get the blood."
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, “And why are you crying now?”
To which Bob replied, "Mom brought me for a urine test!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 08, 2023, 07:12:48 PM
Here is my story, not for the faint of heart.

As a child I was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 09, 2023, 05:08:05 AM
Here is my story, not for the faint of heart.

As a child I was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.

             (http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/juhf-150x150.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: happymecanic on February 09, 2023, 05:09:09 AM
Here is my story, not for the faint of heart.

As a child I was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.

The hard untold truth ;D.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 09, 2023, 06:37:01 AM
Here is my story, not for the faint of heart.

As a child I was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.

The hard untold truth ;D.
You don't say.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 09, 2023, 07:06:29 AM
Some things are just impossible to talk about.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 09, 2023, 08:22:07 AM
Mime speechless.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on February 09, 2023, 08:27:27 AM
 Runs Away ~~~>
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 09, 2023, 10:35:57 AM
Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde: She proceeds to knock everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm.She also hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask. "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies. "Girlfriend? She's, my wife!"They're knocked over but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob says. "I lied about my age."His friends respond. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says. "No, I told her I was 90.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 09, 2023, 10:37:04 AM
Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde: She proceeds to knock everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm.She also hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask. "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies. "Girlfriend? She's, my wife!"They're knocked over but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob says. "I lied about my age."His friends respond. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says. "No, I told her I was 90.

[laughing] Sand-bagging we call that! Classic!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 10, 2023, 11:20:49 AM
Once upon time a four-year-old boy was visiting his aunt and uncle and staying over while his parents went on a vacation.
He was a very outspoken little boy and often had to be censured to say the right thing at the right time.
One day at lunch, when the aunt had company, the little boy said, “Auntie, I want to tinkle.”
Auntie took the little boy aside and said, “Never say that, sonny. If you want to tinkle, say, ‘I want to whisper.’” And the incident was forgotten.
That night at when Uncle and Auntie were soundly sleeping, the little boy climbed into bed with them.
He tugged at his uncle’s shoulder and said, “Uncle, I want to whisper.” Uncle said, “All right, sonny, just don’t wake Auntie up. Whisper in my ear.”
So, the little boy did.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Lt. Dan on February 11, 2023, 10:54:31 PM
A dwarf fortune teller has absconded from jail , headline says….. small medium at large
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 12, 2023, 06:08:35 PM
Two guys walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 13, 2023, 04:28:15 AM
(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/329129164_2420823891409542_6917697550998379767_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p843x403&_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=spCp-WBfFD8AX8APT0B&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&oh=00_AfCW87j3wuMD1cw1RFC92X2K4-QKIbKbCEB8ceJgTbTYEw&oe=63EE4CA9)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 13, 2023, 06:47:04 AM
(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/329129164_2420823891409542_6917697550998379767_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p843x403&_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=spCp-WBfFD8AX8APT0B&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&oh=00_AfCW87j3wuMD1cw1RFC92X2K4-QKIbKbCEB8ceJgTbTYEw&oe=63EE4CA9)
Will you be selling breast implants? You could have a BOGO deal...   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on February 13, 2023, 05:33:28 PM
Yum! I’ll take two!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on February 13, 2023, 05:52:37 PM
Witness the beauty of a new air rifle mainspring being born!

https://i.imgur.com/0PalvIZ.mp4

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 13, 2023, 10:30:31 PM
Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Reiss, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
Maggie, though very polite was also quite witty, "Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: qotsarock on February 13, 2023, 10:33:27 PM
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.

-- as told to me by my 10-year-old son
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 13, 2023, 11:47:59 PM
Pirate at the Bar
 
A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says: "Long time since I've seen you, man, you look terrible."
The pirate says: "I feel fine."
The bartender says: "Well, you didn't have that wooden leg last time I saw you."
"Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the leg, but I'm ok."
"Well, you didn't have that hook on your arm either."
The pirate says: "Got in a sword fight and lost my hand."
The bartender says: "What about the eye patch?"
The pirate replies: "Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up one of them @$%^ on my eye."
The bartender says: "How did that make you lose your eye?"
The pirate replies: "It was the first day with the hook."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 14, 2023, 04:48:49 AM
You're on a roll Earl!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 14, 2023, 11:14:00 AM
Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

 

The doctor told him there is a simple, informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do said the doctor; stand about 40 feet away from her and, in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you.

 

If not, go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response. Later that day, when Paddy gets home from the pub, he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the hallway; he thinks to himself I’m about 40 feet away. Let’s see what happens. In a normal tone, he asks, “Mary what’s for dinner, my lovely?” No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says,” Mary, what’s for feckin dinner ?”. Still no response.

 

He moves closer by about 20 feet. “Mary, for Christ’s sake can ye be telling me what’s for dinner ?” Still nothing, and again at 10 feet, still nothing. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?

 

She replied,

 

FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 17, 2023, 01:21:21 PM
Sage Advice
 
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 17, 2023, 02:23:40 PM
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Highway just outside Boston early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviourist quickly concluded, crows keep a lookout.They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on February 18, 2023, 04:24:43 AM
(https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/330767840_1325502741634986_861604902169000553_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=h_e9U7MKJxQAX9ljZa4&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=00_AfBqv2c-oLoFoq8SV3GzkHuCe3cr-lxVdpya7H-mnpF1FA&oe=63F58DC9)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 18, 2023, 01:33:24 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 21, 2023, 03:05:12 PM
Diary Entries
 
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do. I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
 
His Diary:
Motorcycle won't start... can't figure out why.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 21, 2023, 03:16:54 PM
Been there...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 21, 2023, 03:38:12 PM
Diary Entries
 
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do. I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
 
His Diary:
Motorcycle won't start... can't figure out why.
I've got a mem showing this exact joke. It's on my puter which I rarely use any more.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 22, 2023, 03:43:18 PM
I got my paycheck today and the envelope was full of parsley.

Someone garnished my wages!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 22, 2023, 04:16:33 PM
After leaving left work Friday afternoon Mike stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire paycheck.
 When he finally came home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied “That would be fine with me"!

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on February 22, 2023, 04:24:46 PM
People pay this truck to give it food.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on February 22, 2023, 05:20:20 PM
I got my paycheck today and the envelope was full of parsley.

Someone garnished my wages!


that's funny!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on February 23, 2023, 10:50:03 AM
After leaving left work Friday afternoon Mike stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire paycheck.
 When he finally came home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied “That would be fine with me"!

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Ha! I'm stealing this joke!

-Whirly
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on February 23, 2023, 10:58:55 AM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 23, 2023, 11:20:18 AM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?

Speaking of gender confusion... I called five floorists yesterday and not one of them knew anything about carpet or tile. Blooming with frustration over here!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on February 23, 2023, 11:43:34 AM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?

Speaking of gender confusion... I called five floorists yesterday and not one of them knew anything about carpet or tile. Blooming with frustration over here!
I had to read that more than once to get it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on February 23, 2023, 01:13:17 PM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?

That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?

-W

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 23, 2023, 01:59:14 PM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?

Speaking of gender confusion... I called five floorists yesterday and not one of them knew anything about carpet or tile. Blooming with frustration over here!
I had to read that more than once to get it.

Yeah, it's a thinker/demanding one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 23, 2023, 02:37:43 PM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?

That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?

-W

Don't turn this into a "Battered Women" debate.... I been eating them raw for decades.  ;D

It's the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" thing..
Men have been beating each other for "fun" a long time.
When a woman, so called "weaker sex", gets the upper hand it is funny...
Right?

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/3c/Fencing_%281890%29_%2814800360033%29.jpg/555px-Fencing_%281890%29_%2814800360033%29.jpg?20150924125945)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on February 23, 2023, 07:17:22 PM
  Ronda Rousey.... !  never knew who she was until I saw "Expendable's 3"
 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 23, 2023, 07:44:17 PM
Timber Injury
 
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded,” What took you so long?”
The unperturbed doctor replied, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Oldgringo on February 23, 2023, 08:31:10 PM
Post deleted.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on February 24, 2023, 08:18:47 AM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?

That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?

-W

Don't turn this into a "Battered Women" debate.... I been eating them raw for decades.  ;D

It's the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" thing..
Men have been beating each other for "fun" a long time.
When a woman, so called "weaker sex", gets the upper hand it is funny...
Right?


Gracious, that pun about battered women... I did not expect that and am now sitting here, quite impressed.

And your commentary on what makes the joke funny makes a lot of sense, too.

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 24, 2023, 06:25:50 PM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?

That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?

-W

Don't turn this into a "Battered Women" debate.... I been eating them raw for decades.  ;D

It's the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" thing..
Men have been beating each other for "fun" a long time.
When a woman, so called "weaker sex", gets the upper hand it is funny...
Right?


Gracious, that pun about battered women... I did not expect that and am now sitting here, quite impressed.

And your commentary on what makes the joke funny makes a lot of sense, too.

-W

This show would never make it on television today.  Yet, watch how Jackie Gleason always ended every show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98qw86DsdZ0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98qw86DsdZ0)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on February 24, 2023, 07:52:47 PM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?

That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?

-W

Don't turn this into a "Battered Women" debate.... I been eating them raw for decades.  ;D

It's the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" thing..
Men have been beating each other for "fun" a long time.
When a woman, so called "weaker sex", gets the upper hand it is funny...
Right?


Gracious, that pun about battered women... I did not expect that and am now sitting here, quite impressed.

And your commentary on what makes the joke funny makes a lot of sense, too.

-W

This show would never make it on television today.  Yet, watch how Jackie Gleason always ended every show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98qw86DsdZ0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98qw86DsdZ0)

Notice the overwhelming fear in Alice's face and demeanor!!  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 24, 2023, 07:56:23 PM
If you reversed the sexes in that joke some people would be offended.   Does that mean men have a better sense of humor than women?

That's a good question. I'm not sure that men have a "better" sense of humor, but violence and personal injury experienced by men seems to be funnier to men. Were men conditioned by society to be more accepting of it?

-W

Don't turn this into a "Battered Women" debate.... I been eating them raw for decades.  ;D

It's the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" thing..
Men have been beating each other for "fun" a long time.
When a woman, so called "weaker sex", gets the upper hand it is funny...
Right?


Gracious, that pun about battered women... I did not expect that and am now sitting here, quite impressed.

And your commentary on what makes the joke funny makes a lot of sense, too.

-W

You're welcome  ;)
I have a deep respect for women and know their loving demeanor ...

(https://media.istockphoto.com/id/694350956/photo/kitchen-fight-with-retro-girl.jpg?s=612x612&w=0&k=20&c=Ynsp1MFfLJd_Th7mArb8e4eA3Qw9qHmxUNCre1W_GF0=)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 24, 2023, 09:07:54 PM
Women....Know-it -all's

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the man stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!” Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, “What makes you say that?”
“The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 25, 2023, 01:29:10 PM
This is embarrassing... I got mugged by an octopus this morning. The embarrassing part is he didn't even have a gun; he was just well armed.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on February 28, 2023, 12:14:53 PM
 
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 331 million and 170 million are retired. That leaves 161 million to do the work.
There are 105 million in school, which leaves 56 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government, leaving 21 million to do the work.
2 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 19 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14 million people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 5 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 3 million people in hospitals, leaving 2 million to do the work.
Now, there are 1,999,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 28, 2023, 12:23:53 PM
This is embarrassing... I got mugged by an octopus this morning. The embarrassing part is he didn't even have a gun; he was just well armed.
And in court he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.🤪
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Mr.P on February 28, 2023, 05:30:23 PM
Chicken:

https://isotropic.org/papers/chicken.pdf
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 28, 2023, 07:43:08 PM
Chicken:

https://isotropic.org/papers/chicken.pdf

(https://media.tenor.com/QQlLLfRC49UAAAAC/get-smart-confused.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 28, 2023, 07:48:40 PM
But... That reminded me...

  A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."
Long
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 28, 2023, 07:57:55 PM
This is embarrassing... I got mugged by an octopus this morning. The embarrassing part is he didn't even have a gun; he was just well armed.
And in court he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.🤪

Ha!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 05, 2023, 02:42:38 AM
My darling husband Ben,

Before you return from your business trip,
I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the van when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately, it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from the supermarket and when I turned into the driveway. I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately, the van came to a halt when it bumped into your beloved & very rare classic car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife,
Becky


P.S.: Your Girlfriend Called
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 05, 2023, 11:10:05 AM
OOPS!!🤪
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 05, 2023, 06:32:39 PM
Not sure if this is against the rules. If so then please delete it but I got a good laugh out of it.


Perspectives have side effects, otherwise they'd have to
go by a different name ...
 
The next time you dislike your life, remember it's all about perspective. I know a guy who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries and has lovers who want to have sex with him all the time.  And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on March 05, 2023, 08:22:44 PM
Not sure if this is against the rules. If so then please delete it but I got a good laugh out of it.


Perspectives have side effects, otherwise they'd have to
go by a different name ...
 
The next time you dislike your life, remember it's all about perspective. I know a guy who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries and has lovers who want to have sex with him all the time.  And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison

Holy moly! Good laugh x 2.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 05, 2023, 08:32:08 PM
2 or 3 books a week? Man, that's alot.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on March 05, 2023, 08:36:54 PM
2 or 3 books a week? Man, that's alot.

Not much to do but work out a lot and read a lot.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 05, 2023, 08:40:24 PM
2 or 3 books a week? Man, that's alot.

Not much to do but work out a lot and read a lot.
Not according to that joke...   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on March 05, 2023, 08:42:12 PM
2 or 3 books a week? Man, that's alot.

Not much to do but work out a lot and read a lot.
Not according to that joke...   :o

[laughing]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on March 05, 2023, 08:54:14 PM
That reminds me, Jesus loves you takes on a whole new meaning in a Mexican prison.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on March 05, 2023, 09:46:14 PM
That joke's good enough for me to try and remember it and I'm terrible when it comes to remembering jokes.  Joke memory is a real skill.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 06, 2023, 10:26:52 AM
That reminds me, Jesus loves you takes on a whole new meaning in a Mexican prison.

LMBO!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 06, 2023, 04:25:02 PM
Sunbathing
 
A rather well-proportioned young lady spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" the woman asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You’re lying on the dining room skylight."

 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 06, 2023, 08:35:16 PM
Bwaa-Ha-haa!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on March 06, 2023, 09:29:37 PM
I worked on a multi-floor library in a residential neighborhood. 3 houses away a woman would climb out onto her roof and sunbathe topless. I don't think she realized the new building was higher than her roof until she noticed a group of workers standing in one of the upper floor windows. That was the last time she was out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 07, 2023, 08:31:51 AM
I worked on a multi-floor library in a residential neighborhood. 3 houses away a woman would climb out onto her roof and sunbathe topless. I don't think she realized the new building was higher than her roof until she noticed a group of workers standing in one of the upper floor windows. That was the last time she was out.
Oh, she knew, believe me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on March 07, 2023, 10:59:28 AM
I worked on a multi-floor library in a residential neighborhood. 3 houses away a woman would climb out onto her roof and sunbathe topless. I don't think she realized the new building was higher than her roof until she noticed a group of workers standing in one of the upper floor windows. That was the last time she was out.
Oh, she knew, believe me.

 They must have been fogging up that window and wiping it off...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 07, 2023, 03:46:14 PM

Four  men waited at the men's tee while four women were hitting in front of them, taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and trying to be cool about her bad game said, "I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn’t help."

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on March 08, 2023, 06:03:57 PM
What does a mermaid use to wash her fin?














Tide!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 08, 2023, 07:42:42 PM
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack nodded and grinned...
“And you will dialogue!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on March 16, 2023, 12:30:49 AM
This isn't really a joke, but the idiots involved sure are.
https://youtube.com/shorts/u8S4nI0GvUI?feature=share

They actually denied his marriage license because they thought New Mexico was a foreign country.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on March 18, 2023, 12:08:34 PM
https://youtu.be/Fv67QgVSqkk
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: RonsPlc on March 18, 2023, 09:57:06 PM
   Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says,
“Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
“Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him,
“Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks,
“Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says,
“Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 18, 2023, 09:57:30 PM
Efficient Waiter
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place," and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "Steve, the restaurant's owner, hired a consultant to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly! He lowered his voice, "not everyone is so observant. That consultant also concluded that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on March 18, 2023, 10:15:24 PM
NOT A JOKE!!! But, vindication for all us Dads out there!
https://www.foxnews.com/health/dad-jokes-help-kids-develop-healthy-adults-study (https://www.foxnews.com/health/dad-jokes-help-kids-develop-healthy-adults-study)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on March 19, 2023, 12:29:15 PM
https://youtu.be/jotHFUqLFo8
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 20, 2023, 11:32:51 AM
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious WINNER:


1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot  did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked

 A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. And because after all it was Chicago Understandably, he shot her
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had




Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 20, 2023, 02:12:21 PM


[size=inherit]A man in a supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. A very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole




heads of lettuce.The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"" Canada , sir," the boy replied."Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and hockey players up there.""Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada .""No joke?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
[/size]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on March 20, 2023, 02:12:50 PM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 20, 2023, 02:38:46 PM
Oh My God! Laughed so hard almost choked. Still wiping the tears from my eyes 👀.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 22, 2023, 09:18:24 PM
https://www.huffpost.com/archive/au/entry/police-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81b54f (https://www.huffpost.com/archive/au/entry/police-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81b54f)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dNIJ10CWr8Q&embeds_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Farchive%2Fau%2Fentry%2Fpolice-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81&feature=emb_logo (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dNIJ10CWr8Q&embeds_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Farchive%2Fau%2Fentry%2Fpolice-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81&feature=emb_logo)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares (https://youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on March 23, 2023, 03:35:36 PM
Debunking Myths
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What’s your business at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I’m sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 23, 2023, 03:39:32 PM
Heard that one a few years ago but still got a chuckle out of it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on March 23, 2023, 05:42:15 PM
https://www.huffpost.com/archive/au/entry/police-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81b54f (https://www.huffpost.com/archive/au/entry/police-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81b54f)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dNIJ10CWr8Q&embeds_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Farchive%2Fau%2Fentry%2Fpolice-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81&feature=emb_logo (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dNIJ10CWr8Q&embeds_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Farchive%2Fau%2Fentry%2Fpolice-recruitment-video-proves-that-storm-troopers-cant-shoot_au_5cd38637e4b0ce845d81&feature=emb_logo)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares (https://youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OhmTs0lzku0&feature=shares)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bentong on March 23, 2023, 05:56:13 PM
Smart😜
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 23, 2023, 06:12:01 PM
The stormtrooper @ the range is great, Ken.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 24, 2023, 11:20:28 AM
A father passing by his son's bedroom
Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 27, 2023, 04:55:50 PM
This joke is a bit risky, so I am not showing the video title because it involves inflation:
https://youtu.be/BlPRnUSuS-o?t=1
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on March 27, 2023, 07:26:16 PM
This joke is a bit risky, so I am not showing the video title because it involves inflation:
https://youtu.be/BlPRnUSuS-o?t=1

Priceless!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 27, 2023, 08:23:53 PM
Another...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 28, 2023, 12:14:46 PM
This joke is a bit risky, so I am not showing the video title because it involves inflation:
https://youtu.be/BlPRnUSuS-o?t=1
That one definitely 🤣😂.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Novagun on March 28, 2023, 11:30:04 PM
Little Ethel was in the kitchen with her mother . She asked Mum if she could take the dog for a walk  No said Mum, the dog is on heat. Not deterred Ethel went to find her father  he was working on the car   Can I take the dog for a walk?
No she is on heat.   aw please dad said Ethel.  DAd thought ,  ok, if you keep.her away from other dogs. Them he put some petrol on the dogs bum   That should disguise the scent the scent 
Off went Ehel and the little dog  .
Ten mi;notes later Ethel ran back to her father
Dad Dad, the dog's run out of petrol and another dog is pushing her home 
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on March 29, 2023, 02:17:47 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/nRuE7kT.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 31, 2023, 04:59:50 PM
I was so confused last night. My printer was playing music!

Turns out it was my paper  jamming.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on March 31, 2023, 05:25:23 PM
It took my mind a second to unjam on that Scot; followed by much mirth.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 01, 2023, 08:16:01 AM
 ;)
You're welcome.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on April 01, 2023, 10:29:47 AM
;)
You're welcome.

I can't find the song I want to play that went through me head.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 01, 2023, 10:43:42 AM
;)
You're welcome.

I can't find the song I want to play that went through me head.

Dis one?
Haha
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOa5UOHdwnc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOa5UOHdwnc)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on April 01, 2023, 10:55:30 AM
No.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 01, 2023, 11:33:13 AM
;)
You're welcome.

I can't find the song I want to play that went through me head.
Ouch! That must of 🤕
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on April 01, 2023, 12:13:02 PM
;)
You're welcome.

I can't find the song I want to play that went through me head.

This - https://youtu.be/oFRbZJXjWIA
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 01, 2023, 12:20:18 PM
This one

https://youtu.be/I0UVZePwlg0
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 01, 2023, 12:26:20 PM
Or

https://youtu.be/UidFA-dP8GQ
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on April 01, 2023, 10:09:21 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nXGPZaTKik (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nXGPZaTKik)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Antaeus776 on April 03, 2023, 02:00:23 PM
I'll admit, this got a solid chuckle from me. Going to have to use it on my kids - can't wait for the eye rolls and "Seriously dad??" comments.  ;)

I was so confused last night. My printer was playing music!

Turns out it was my paper  jamming.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 04, 2023, 07:22:52 PM
Sometimes I just sit and stare at my wife when she isn't looking and I think to myself...
"WOW, she is one lucky bi&ch".  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 04, 2023, 07:46:29 PM
Sometimes I just sit and stare at my wife when she isn't looking and I think to myself...
"WOW, she is one lucky bi&ch".  :o
Wow, I take it your wife isn't a member here? 🫣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 04, 2023, 07:48:06 PM
Sometimes I just sit and stare at my wife when she isn't looking and I think to myself...
"WOW, she is one lucky bi&ch".  :o
Wow, I take it your wife isn't a member here? 🫣
Nope, and I checked, she wasn't staring back at me while I was typing...  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on April 04, 2023, 09:03:45 PM
My daughter got me a mug for Father's Day "You're the luckiest dad in the world. I would love to have me as a daughter."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 05, 2023, 05:24:29 PM
And that's how the fight started....
My wife said "I hate myself because I look fat... Can you give me a compliment?"

I said "Honey...You have perfect eyesight."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on April 05, 2023, 10:41:57 PM
And that's how the fight started....
My wife said "I hate myself because I look fat... Can you give me a compliment?"

I said "Honey...You have perfect eyesight."

Hard to believe that guy could sweet talk anyone into marrying him.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on April 06, 2023, 10:04:16 PM
And that's how the fight started....
My wife said "I hate myself because I look fat... Can you give me a compliment?"

I said "Honey...You have perfect eyesight."

And you don't as it's hard to see through a black eye right?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 15, 2023, 01:57:52 PM

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on April 15, 2023, 02:20:30 PM
Does this count as a joke ?
https://youtube.com/shorts/GGBjL3l96_Q?feature=share
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 15, 2023, 06:24:19 PM
Is it just me? Or do you see the same thing when people do those stupid duck lip selfies?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on April 15, 2023, 06:29:21 PM
Does this count as a joke ?
https://youtube.com/shorts/GGBjL3l96_Q?feature=share

Well, it IS funny !!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 15, 2023, 10:09:46 PM
Is it just me? Or do you see the same thing when people do those stupid duck lip selfies?

You're 1....... puppy!🫤
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on April 16, 2023, 06:22:29 AM
https://youtube.com/shorts/-rjCL1ai9yQ?feature=share
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on April 16, 2023, 10:50:05 AM
Is it just me? Or do you see the same thing when people do those stupid duck lip selfies?

You're 1....... puppy!🫤

You should meet him in person lol.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on April 16, 2023, 08:47:32 PM

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

[chuckling] Good one, Earl.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on April 20, 2023, 01:49:28 PM
A Very Tough Day
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on April 20, 2023, 02:14:32 PM
A Very Tough Day
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"

Too funny  ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on April 20, 2023, 02:36:33 PM
Oh wow!  I can relate at times
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 20, 2023, 05:08:37 PM
A Very Tough Day
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
Long walk for a short story.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on April 20, 2023, 07:57:28 PM
😅😆🤣😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 21, 2023, 09:52:32 AM
A Very Tough Day
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
Long walk for a short story.
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: TennX on April 21, 2023, 10:09:08 AM
   Works for me…
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on April 21, 2023, 10:50:45 AM
A Very Tough Day
 
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
Long walk for a short story.
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
😂🤣😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 21, 2023, 12:54:25 PM
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
 “I know,” says the sheepdog...
 “But I rounded them up.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on April 21, 2023, 02:49:36 PM
(https://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/MGalleryItem.php?id=7648)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on April 21, 2023, 09:09:03 PM
I called an electrician for help with an electrical problem - he refused.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on April 21, 2023, 09:48:36 PM
Yesterday I couldn't figure out if the person was waving at me.. or the person behind me....
That's how I lost my lifeguard job.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on April 22, 2023, 05:22:46 AM
I called an electrician for help with an electrical problem - he refused.

               (https://i.giphy.com/media/cQtlhD48EG0SY/giphy.webp)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on April 23, 2023, 09:46:57 PM
   Works for me…

Traded one bich for another. :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: maraudinglizard on April 24, 2023, 08:03:11 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/VDNWBQN.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 24, 2023, 09:08:35 AM
This will screw up someone's mind too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmXAsfeQ_4E (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmXAsfeQ_4E)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on April 24, 2023, 09:18:09 AM
That's a good one.  Still laughing
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Matchstickshooter on April 24, 2023, 04:30:42 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/VDNWBQN.jpg)


AWESOME!! :D :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on April 24, 2023, 10:21:42 PM
As a teen I used to do that to oncoming traffic faking like I was turning the wheel fast as if suddenly pulling in front of them slipping my hands over the wheel not actually turning it. Lucky I didn't get shot.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 25, 2023, 09:17:11 AM
As a teen I used to do that to oncoming traffic faking like I was turning the wheel fast as if suddenly pulling in front of them slipping my hands over the wheel not actually turning it. Lucky I didn't get shot.
Yeah, these days you don't want to even casually glance over at the car next to you. People have flat gone crazy.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on April 25, 2023, 09:28:26 AM
We used to go bowling with another couple.
One evening on the way to the lanes, we were riding in their car.
She was giving him grief about hos driving,
He yanked the steering wheel off, gave it to her and said "If you like the way I'm driving, HERE...YOU do it!"
She clammed right up...........
Apparently he had been doing some steering column work, so the wheel wasn't on tight........
Funny stuff.........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 25, 2023, 10:35:36 AM
We used to go bowling with another couple.
One evening on the way to the lanes, we were riding in their car.
She was giving him grief about hos driving,
He yanked the steering wheel off, gave it to her and said "If you like the way I'm driving, HERE...YOU do it!"
She clammed right up...........
Apparently he had been doing some steering column work, so the wheel wasn't on tight........
Funny stuff.........
I fake did that to Betty Lou once... her response was priceless... she stomped her foot on the floor like she was slamming on the brakes...  :o
Yeah, she hates blonde jokes too..
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on April 25, 2023, 12:18:38 PM
We used to go bowling with another couple.
One evening on the way to the lanes, we were riding in their car.
She was giving him grief about hos driving,
He yanked the steering wheel off, gave it to her and said "If you like the way I'm driving, HERE...YOU do it!"
She clammed right up...........
Apparently he had been doing some steering column work, so the wheel wasn't on tight........
Funny stuff.........
I fake did that to Betty Lou once... her response was priceless... she stomped her foot on the floor like she was slamming on the brakes...  :o
Yeah, she hates blonde jokes too..
Me thinks that messing with the Chef of the house might lead to lots and lots of pb&j sammiches and nothing else.... bottom line,  don't mess with the cook ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on April 25, 2023, 12:29:13 PM
We used to go bowling with another couple.
One evening on the way to the lanes, we were riding in their car.
She was giving him grief about hos driving,
He yanked the steering wheel off, gave it to her and said "If you like the way I'm driving, HERE...YOU do it!"
She clammed right up...........
Apparently he had been doing some steering column work, so the wheel wasn't on tight........
Funny stuff.........
I fake did that to Betty Lou once... her response was priceless... she stomped her foot on the floor like she was slamming on the brakes...  :o
Yeah, she hates blonde jokes too..
Me thinks that messing with the Chef of the house might lead to lots and lots of pb&j sammiches and nothing else.... bottom line,  don't mess with the cook ;D
Yeah, I don't mess with her too often... but she's gives it right back when I do.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on April 25, 2023, 10:24:06 PM
https://youtu.be/a-AlVDghSio
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on April 27, 2023, 05:42:22 PM
Can I retrofit a Daisy Red Ryder with this mainspring for a small boost in power?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on April 27, 2023, 05:45:38 PM
Won't work.  The BB would burn up upon re-entering Earth's atmosphere.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on April 27, 2023, 05:51:40 PM
I called an electrician for help with an electrical problem - he refused.

               (https://i.giphy.com/media/cQtlhD48EG0SY/giphy.webp)

That one took me a second.

Well done.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 01, 2023, 11:53:50 AM
The Far Side...



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 01, 2023, 12:21:57 PM
Sleep Aid
 
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, and believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on May 01, 2023, 02:16:08 PM
The Far Side...

One of my all time favorites.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on May 01, 2023, 03:39:46 PM
One of my favorite Far Side cartoons.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 01, 2023, 06:24:00 PM
Love Gary Larson cartoons,,
I still use Tutored still today in place of Neutered.

(https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gdZ0WveyRDo/WK8Rivw5SnI/AAAAAAAAhtc/J9YFxluic1keRk-9ql8QlQHbUoiD7xwRACLcB/s1600/Cartoon%2Bof%2Bthe%2BDay-The%2BDoorknob%2BPrinciple.jpg)

(https://i.pinimg.com/474x/88/2e/84/882e84845523ea324660de8eb6340627.jpg)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on May 01, 2023, 09:11:18 PM
(https://static1.cbrimages.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/the-far-side-bomb-scientists.jpg?q=50&fit=crop&dpr=1.5)
(https://static1.cbrimages.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/the-far-side-school-for-the-gifted.jpg?q=50&fit=crop&dpr=1.5)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 02, 2023, 02:39:30 PM
So...
Are the E's in Bee Silent E's?
 :P
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on May 02, 2023, 03:06:02 PM
So...
Are the E's in Bee Silent E's?
 :P

Suppose so, then why not use C for see or sea, or 2 for to too or two? or 4 for fore four on and on etc.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 03, 2023, 12:28:43 AM
Carl Childers in the Chic-fil-a drive thru.
https://youtu.be/kh8MVmCFVhk
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on May 03, 2023, 02:00:01 PM
I was told my sense of humor is a problem and should seek help.
I'm sorry, BUT!
I'm not going any where NEAR a person the uses The Rapist as a professional title!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 03, 2023, 05:51:10 PM
I was told my sense of humor is a problem and should seek help.
I'm sorry, BUT!
I'm not going any where NEAR a person the uses The Rapist as a professional title!
It took me a second to get that one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on May 04, 2023, 03:02:21 PM
Classic Dangerfield .
https://youtube.com/shorts/huqH2tYR_FU?feature=share
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on May 04, 2023, 08:36:47 PM
(https://www.rimfirecentral.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.rimfirecentral.com/attachments/is-he-thinking-about-other-women-jpg.388324/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 05, 2023, 08:21:10 AM
GOOD one Mike!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on May 05, 2023, 09:18:16 AM
That's hilarious! Just copied and shared with a buddy who's been on a gun buying spree this past year.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on May 05, 2023, 09:20:04 AM
I was told my sense of humor is a problem and should seek help.
I'm sorry, BUT!
I'm not going any where NEAR a person the uses The Rapist as a professional title!

Have you considered a psychoanalyst/psychotherapist hybrid? An analrapist? I hear they have quite a couch.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on May 05, 2023, 04:05:25 PM
Vacation Plans
 
 
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on May 06, 2023, 02:27:00 AM
And that's why I only shoot airguns now...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on May 06, 2023, 02:32:38 AM
The teacher lives to see another day...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on May 06, 2023, 02:38:03 AM
I accidentally took my cat's meds last night.

Don't ask meow.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on May 10, 2023, 09:10:12 PM
I accidentally took my cat's meds last night.

Don't ask meow.



Bwahaahaahahahahaahahaa!

Now that joke's the cat's meow, if ever I heard it!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 11, 2023, 11:51:25 AM
I accidentally took my cat's meds last night.

Don't ask meow.



Bwahaahaahahahahaahahaa!

Now that joke's the cat's meow, if ever I heard it!


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on May 11, 2023, 01:34:55 PM
I accidentally took my cat's meds last night.

Don't ask meow.



Bwahaahaahahahahaahahaa!

Now that joke's the cat's meow, if ever I heard it!

[chuckling]

Was just at my dentist, who has all those style posters. That would be a hilarious addition!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: kbstingwing on May 12, 2023, 02:11:59 PM
Why aren't Hemorrhoids called Asteroids?
and why aren't Gastroenterologist called Astronauts?
 ??? ??? ??? :o ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on May 12, 2023, 03:09:02 PM
..
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on May 12, 2023, 03:29:21 PM
Only if your thumbs get tangled in them....   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on May 13, 2023, 01:23:43 PM
Why aren't Hemorrhoids called Asteroids?
and why aren't Gastroenterologist called Astronauts?
 ??? ??? ??? :o ;D

That's pretty good! Astrologically good.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 14, 2023, 06:14:12 PM
Hoosier Momma lost our dog Zoey last night while she was making a salad.
 If anyone Cesar, lettuce know.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on May 14, 2023, 10:18:34 PM
That's cold
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on May 16, 2023, 05:51:51 PM
Checks out...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on May 17, 2023, 04:08:11 PM
Sometimes great inventions are born from dumb mistakes.
For instance, the buns on burner.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on May 19, 2023, 03:00:35 PM
Grandma Still Drives ---Priceless
 Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
 Dear Granddaughter,
 The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
 I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.  It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
 I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!’ 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
  Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.  I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..
 I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
 I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.  He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
 Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.  Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!  A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
  I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
 So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.  I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
  Will write again soon,  Love, Grandma
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 19, 2023, 07:42:49 PM
A car collector from the Midwest gets the 280Z sports car he's been looking for,
Unfortunately it was missing a few key parts to get it up and running. He takes it to his mechanic. The mechanic says "you need some specific gear parts here - these cogs over here, you'll need two of them. You can only get them from this specialty parts dealer, and he's in California.

The man decides to make a trip of it and goes out west. He finds the dealer and decides to buy a whole case of the parts and give the extras to his mechanic, maybe help out the next collector.
 So he charters a cargo plane to haul them home.

As they are flying home the following week, the pilot comes on over the speaker and says that they are having engine trouble and they will have to dump some cargo to stay in the air.
The man says that he has a very heavy box of car parts in Cargo and asks if they can just take two of the parts out and dump the rest.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Indiana in the middle of the night a GTA member and his wife start hearing Bang! Bang! as stuff from the plane is landing all around them and on their roof.

The air gunner looks out the window and says..
"Holy Cow Momma... it's raining Datsun cogs!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on May 20, 2023, 12:03:36 AM
*************Groan+***********
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on May 20, 2023, 01:28:17 AM
Did you ever hear about the midget comedian?...
He told little jokes...

You probably haven't; as his competition was head-and-shoulders above him...
But the low point in his short career as a comedian couldn't keep him down, and turned around with a change in employment-where he has since risen to the top of the elevator industry; a new height in his life-top of the line...

---

What do you get when you cross a factual short story, with an outlandish tall tale?...
A fictional medium....

---

One best for the kiddies:
What do you call a broke french fry?
A poooo-ta-to.... (slur it enough, and it sounds like 'poortato'....

I'll see myself out now...
(Yes, too much time on my hands at work today.... Got stuck on the mind-numbing turret punch, not enough time to really do anything in the few seconds of cycle time; but too much time to think of silly stuff!)

---

And a bonus relayed to me by my Dad, who heard this one recently:

A blond went into an appliance store; looking around she picked out a TV...
She asked to buy it-the salesman replied:
"We don't sell TV's to blondes..."
Aggravated, she walks out....
The next day, she walks back in-and asks a different salesman-again he replies "We don't sell TV's to blondes"....
Agitated, she walks out...
Two weeks later, she goes back in once more-again the same reply...
Greatly aggrieved, she dyes her hair and returns two months later:
Again, the salesman replies:
"We don't sell TV's to blondes"
"How did you know I was a blonde, and why won't you sell me that TV!?!...." replies the blonde angrily....
The salesman replies:
(wait for it...
...
...
...
...
"For starters, that's a microwave..."...
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on May 21, 2023, 11:16:10 AM
He's bringin the heat folks!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: TennX on May 25, 2023, 08:59:27 AM


Male Logic

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 ...correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your darn Ferrari
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on May 25, 2023, 09:50:15 AM
.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on May 25, 2023, 11:35:33 AM
Quote
Where's your darn Ferrari

LOVE IT!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JuryRigger on May 27, 2023, 01:39:33 AM
Did you hear about the man who lost 50% of his brain?
He is now plagued by chronic indecision...
Every statement he has since made starts with:
"I've a half a mind to..."

---

Did you hear about the man running for mayor?
He's an excellent candidate; as he can't sit down...
He's a purely stand-up fellow...

---

And last but not least, sort of wraps up my feelings to this (thankfully over!) work week:

There once was a man from Nantucket,
'tried to empty the sea with a bucket

'Though after feeling some pain, and seeing no gain,
he rethought his plan and said "F...."
 :o AHEM cough splutter...

Better find the swear jar...
 :P :-\
Jesse
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 01, 2023, 11:21:33 AM
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 01, 2023, 11:32:00 AM
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 01, 2023, 11:53:08 AM
Yeah, I could see you doing something like that after consuming a bunch of creek water. 😂🤣😂🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Earl on June 01, 2023, 11:53:29 AM
GOOD one Madd Hatter!!!

Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: airpuffhunter on June 01, 2023, 12:48:51 PM
excellent a good laugh
thank you
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 01, 2023, 12:51:33 PM
Yeah, I could see you doing something like that after consuming a bunch of creek water. 😂🤣😂🤣
Pretty sure my old heart wouldn't stand up to that.. matter of fact, I have a DNR because I fear a refib would kill me..  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 01, 2023, 01:31:59 PM
Some how that makes sense.🤔🫣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 03, 2023, 08:32:57 AM
HA HA HA!
 *true story*
I had a similar experience with the Dawg's "Bark Collar"...
It has three level settings...Low, Med, High.
Uses a one of those wafer batteries like a scope does.
I love my Dawg and don't want to hurt her so I wanted to see just how strong it was... set it to "high" and held it to my throat and "Barked"
I couldn't speak for an hour.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 03, 2023, 09:14:18 AM
I would have held it to my Judy's throat. 


Yeah, right!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on June 03, 2023, 09:27:02 AM
HA HA HA!
 *true story*
I had a similar experience with the Dawg's "Bark Collar"...
It has three level settings...Low, Med, High.
Uses a one of those wafer batteries like a scope does.
I love my Dawg and don't want to hurt her so I wanted to see just how strong it was... set it to "high" and held it to my throat and "Barked"
I couldn't speak for an hour.
Wo a whole hour of not being able to speak for a treat !
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 03, 2023, 10:10:25 AM

 Wo a whole hour of not being able to speak for a treat !

WOOF!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on June 03, 2023, 11:30:20 AM
I would have held it to my Judy's throat. 


Yeah, right!!!
You must have a very comfortable couch in the dog house ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on June 03, 2023, 12:18:19 PM
HA HA HA!
 *true story*
I had a similar experience with the Dawg's "Bark Collar"...
It has three level settings...Low, Med, High.
Uses a one of those wafer batteries like a scope does.
I love my Dawg and don't want to hurt her so I wanted to see just how strong it was... set it to "high" and held it to my throat and "Barked"
I couldn't speak for an hour.
Wo a whole hour of not being able to speak for a treat !
Depends on what the treat is??😜😁

Mark and Brian tried out a bark collar on themselves. Was 1 of the funniest things I ever listened to.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on June 03, 2023, 01:22:14 PM
HA HA HA!
 *true story*
I had a similar experience with the Dawg's "Bark Collar"...
It has three level settings...Low, Med, High.
Uses a one of those wafer batteries like a scope does.
I love my Dawg and don't want to hurt her so I wanted to see just how strong it was... set it to "high" and held it to my throat and "Barked"
I couldn't speak for an hour.
Wo a whole hour of not being able to speak for a treat !
Depends on what the treat is??😜😁

Mark and Brian tried out a bark collar on themselves. Was 1 of the funniest things I ever listened to.

 I tried Hanks bark collar first too. Curiosity is a strange animal...  LOL  I think his fur protects him some.  ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 03, 2023, 05:24:48 PM
FYI... Don't knock the "Bark Collar" off the kitchen counter and try to catch it.
  But if you do...  DON'T reinact it to show your wife what just happened.
The second time is worse.
Trust me... ::)
That thing is the devil's spawn.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 03, 2023, 05:30:37 PM
I'm assuming a half handle of Jim fixed your throat right up.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 03, 2023, 05:34:06 PM
That might have been before the "test".
 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on June 03, 2023, 05:41:52 PM
I would have held it to my Judy's throat. 


Yeah, right!!!
You must have a very comfortable couch in the dog house ;D
Brewbear, if I even thought about doing something so dastardly, the dog would get to sleep in the bed while I slept in the yard - and not on a couch!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on June 03, 2023, 07:27:12 PM
I would have held it to my Judy's throat. 


Yeah, right!!!
You must have a very comfortable couch in the dog house ;D
Brewbear, if I even thought about doing something so dastardly, the dog would get to sleep in the bed while I slept in the yard - and not on a couch!
Too true, sir, too true.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on June 06, 2023, 03:44:32 AM
So, it just occurred to me why Canada does not allow LDCs on airguns.

Why?  It is in the name:  can-nada   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on June 07, 2023, 11:41:23 PM
So, it just occurred to me why Canada does not allow LDCs on airguns.

Why?  It is in the name:  can-nada   ;D

[laughing to the zenith of a cackle]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on June 08, 2023, 11:06:29 AM
How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The lightbulb has to want to change.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 09, 2023, 01:02:47 AM
Hopefully this observation if you will doesn't get me into trouble.

I was just watching the 1994 jet li kung fu movie legend of red dragon and one of the  actors names is Tsi Miu, and the next name on the list is Fuk Hing  :-X :-X

How would you ( as an English speaker in the US ) pronounce that 1st name and what would this name sound like if you said it really fast ?
Is it just me or does it come out dirty?
I'm guessing in Cantonese it would sound like Foo-king, but that's definitely not what I heard in my head when I first read it.

The 1st name I want to pronounce as " See-me ", ( no clue which letters should be silent ) and the 2nd name well that's not something I can say here, but when I read both together in my head soda almost came out my nose.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 10, 2023, 06:51:03 PM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad..

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on June 10, 2023, 07:20:06 PM
ohhhhhh so cold
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 10, 2023, 11:16:59 PM
Too close to home Bob?
 ;D ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on June 10, 2023, 11:30:17 PM
Pretty dang close LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on June 10, 2023, 11:36:23 PM
Bob was talking to a guy in the park about not being able to tell boys from girls anymore.  He said for instance what is that person over there.  The guy said that's my daughter.  Bob said I didn't know you are her father.  The guy said I'm not her father, I'm her mother.
 ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on June 11, 2023, 03:18:36 AM
Bob was talking to a guy in the park about not being able to tell boys from girls anymore.  He said for instance what is that person over there.  The guy said that's my daughter.  Bob said I didn't know you are her father.  The guy said I'm not her father, I'm her mother.
 ::) ::) ::)
Dang, I about spit my Bud Lite everywhere...  :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: jjohnsonlta on June 12, 2023, 10:36:08 AM
Bob was talking to a guy in the park about not being able to tell boys from girls anymore.  He said for instance what is that person over there.  The guy said that's my daughter.  Bob said I didn't know you are her father.  The guy said I'm not her father, I'm her mother.
 ::) ::) ::)

GOOD ONE!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on June 12, 2023, 11:04:47 AM
Bob was talking to a guy in the park about not being able to tell boys from girls anymore.  He said for instance what is that person over there.  The guy said that's my daughter.  Bob said I didn't know you are her father.  The guy said I'm not her father, I'm her mother.
 ::) ::) ::)
How do we know Bob's first instinct wasn't right ?
Was the girl's " mother " actually a female,  or did samuel Jones recently change his name to Samantha Jones?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on June 12, 2023, 05:16:25 PM
How do we know "Bob" is a he?  I have a cousin Roberta we have always called Bobbie.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: IOWOLF on June 12, 2023, 05:32:13 PM
True story, I was behind a F150 the other day at a stop light, saw a sticker in the rear window that said "Divorced and happy"




 then I saw the personalized license plate


MRS COX

There is still Coffee on the dash.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on June 12, 2023, 05:44:46 PM
How do we know "Bob" is a he?  I have a cousin Roberta we have always called Bobbie.

If I knew for sure you were she I would prove it.  Only if ::) ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on June 12, 2023, 06:56:31 PM
(https://www.snipershide.com/shooting/attachments/marriage-proposal-jpg.8161111/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on June 14, 2023, 08:31:11 AM
Squirrel stages a crime scene:

https://i.imgur.com/WBXiLTL.mp4
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on June 16, 2023, 04:48:49 PM
Squirrel stages a crime scene:

https://i.imgur.com/WBXiLTL.mp4


That's pretty nutty
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on June 16, 2023, 06:15:42 PM
True story, I was behind a F150 the other day at a stop light, saw a sticker in the rear window that said "Divorced and happy"




 then I saw the personalized license plate
MRS COX

There is still Coffee on the dash.

You know why divorce is so expensive?
.
.
.
.
It's worth it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on July 28, 2023, 04:19:17 PM
Grandpa:  Let's go upstairs and make love?
Granny:  Better chose one can't do both.

 ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 29, 2023, 11:30:23 AM
Grandpa:  Let's go upstairs and make love?
Granny:  Better chose one can't do both.

 ::)

Lol 🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on July 31, 2023, 06:19:14 AM
Betty Lou: Those male enhancement drugs are really working for you.
Me: You think?
Betty Lou: Yes, you are definitely a bigger dick today than you were yesterday.

 :-\
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on July 31, 2023, 11:32:52 AM
Betty Lou: Those male enhancement drugs are really working for you.
Me: You think?
Betty Lou: Yes, you are definitely a bigger dick today than you were yesterday.

 :-\
That was FUNNY 🤣😂🤣!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on August 02, 2023, 02:23:33 PM
Betty Lou: Those male enhancement drugs are really working for you.
Me: You think?
Betty Lou: Yes, you are definitely a bigger dick today than you were yesterday.

 :-\

Ha!!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on August 02, 2023, 02:24:03 PM
Grandpa:  Let's go upstairs and make love?
Granny:  Better chose one can't do both.

 ::)

Also hilarious!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 02, 2023, 05:42:32 PM
A man was having an affair with his secretary one day after work at her house when he fell asleep.
When he wakes up he realizes what happened and tells her to hurry up and drag his shoes around through the grass then hurrys home.
When he gets home his wife asks where he's been because dinner is getting cold.
He tells her honey I'm sorry to tell you I've been having an affair with my secretary and he fell asleep in her bed.

She takes one look at his shoes and says don't lie to me I know you were playing golf.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: JustSomeGuy on August 02, 2023, 08:15:15 PM
Three churches in a town had squirrels in their attic, that caused all kinds of trouble stashing away nuts, rattling them around, and fighting over them, sometimes during services.
The first church decided it was the will of God and didn't bother them.
The second church trapped them, released them a mile away, and they were back next Sunday.
The third church got smart though. They baptized and registered the squirrels and then they only showed up on Christmas and Easter.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 02, 2023, 08:30:58 PM
Also known as CEOs. Christmas Easter Onlys.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 02, 2023, 09:51:22 PM
This isn't really a joke, but the story of a joke that has actually saved lives and will likely save more.
https://youtu.be/NHDWi4EEW2c

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 03, 2023, 04:20:12 PM
Here's the actual gag website , it's good for a few laughs.
https://rentahitman.com/
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: IOWOLF on August 03, 2023, 07:33:09 PM
 woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my darn fault.'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 04, 2023, 06:38:02 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine  pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops…


She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her  bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this terrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on August 05, 2023, 05:11:53 AM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine  pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops…


She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her  bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this terrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking

    (https://media.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExb21zeTVqN2M5ZHVvdndhZWh5ZWxuM2I3ZnZqd2oxb3MwZW05cmNkZCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/3oFyDq6BEAim8LG836/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 05, 2023, 07:38:16 AM
Good one Robert!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 05, 2023, 11:25:33 AM
Will I Live to 80?


(Here's something to think about.)

 

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past seventy).

 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

 

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

 

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

 

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

 

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

 

'No, I don't,' I said.

 

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

 

'No,' I said.........

 

She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a s#$t!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 05, 2023, 11:48:50 AM
Will I Live to 80?


(Here's something to think about.)

 

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past seventy).

 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

 

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

 

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

 

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

 

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

 

'No, I don't,' I said.

 

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

 

'No,' I said.........

 

She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a s#$t!
Words to live by..  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 05, 2023, 11:51:11 AM

1. What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.

2. What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.

3. I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.

4. What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.

5. These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights.

6. Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.

7. Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!

8. One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them!

9. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.

10. Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.

11. Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.

12. How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.

13. Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …

14. I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!

15. What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.

16. I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.

17. Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is your husband.

18. I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. I just didn’t know her first name was going to be “Always.”

19. An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?”

20. My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife.

21. My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddess—by placing burnt offerings before me.

22. Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”

23. Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.”

24. Why should you marry someone older than you?
As your looks fade, so will their eyesight.

25. After a big fight, my wife yelled at me, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” So I replied, “That may be true, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

26. Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

27. Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.

28. Husbands are like lawn mowers: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.

29. Love is like one long, sweet dream. Marriage is the alarm clock.

30. Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife


31. What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays?
Retired.

32. You know it’s time to retire when your co-workers are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro.

33. The truth is, retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.

34. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.

35. When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement?
Before the boss does.

36. My company recently gave me an aptitude test, and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement.

37. What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.

38. Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments.

39. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

40. Sometimes the best part of your career is retirement.

41. Why was the retiree’s wife tired?
She got twice as much husband for half the pay.

42. What’s worse than middle age?
Knowing you’ll grow out of it.

43. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.

44. Retirement is like one big sick day without sick pay.


45. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.

46. If I ever decide to buy a horse ranch in my old age, I’m going to name it “Pasture Prime.”

47. You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.

48. You’re not getting old; you’re becoming a classic.

49. Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative.

50. The older we get, the earlier it gets late.

51. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.

52. Old people are just young people who have been alive for a very, very long time.

53. With age comes wisdom … and hair in really weird places.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 05, 2023, 11:58:00 AM


1. What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.

2. What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.

3. I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.

4. What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.

5. These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights.

6. Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.

7. Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!

8. One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them!

9. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.

10. Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.

11. Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.

12. How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.

13. Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …

14. I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!

15. What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.

16. I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.

Psst! Even if you’re not a spring chicken, these spring jokes will get you giggling.

Jokes for seniors about marriage and family
Jokes About Aging
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES

If cheesy pickup lines are right up your alley, you’re going to fall head over heels in love with these old-people jokes about marriage and family.
17. Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is your husband.

18. I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. I just didn’t know her first name was going to be “Always.”

19. An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?”

20. My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife.

21. My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddess—by placing burnt offerings before me.

22. Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”

23. Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.”

24. Why should you marry someone older than you?
As your looks fade, so will their eyesight.

25. After a big fight, my wife yelled at me, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” So I replied, “That may be true, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

26. Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

27. Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.

28. Husbands are like lawn mowers: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.

29. Love is like one long, sweet dream. Marriage is the alarm clock.

30. Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife.

Jokes for seniors about retirement
Jokes About Aging
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES

No retirement party would be complete without a few old-people jokes. So if you like dad jokes, these clever jokes for seniors will have you laughing in no time.

31. What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays?
Retired.

32. You know it’s time to retire when your co-workers are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro.

33. The truth is, retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.

34. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.

35. When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement?
Before the boss does.

36. My company recently gave me an aptitude test, and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement.

37. What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.

38. Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments.

39. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

40. Sometimes the best part of your career is retirement.

41. Why was the retiree’s wife tired?
She got twice as much husband for half the pay.

42. What’s worse than middle age?
Knowing you’ll grow out of it.

43. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.

44. Retirement is like one big sick day without sick pay.

Funny one-liners about aging
Jokes About Aging
RD.COM, GETTY IMAGES

Sometimes, less is more. And that’s especially true when it comes to corny jokes and funny one-liners about getting older, like these short old-people jokes.

45. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.

46. If I ever decide to buy a horse ranch in my old age, I’m going to name it “Pasture Prime.”

47. You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.

48. You’re not getting old; you’re becoming a classic.

49. Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative.

50. The older we get, the earlier it gets late.

51. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.

52. Old people are just young people who have been alive for a very, very long time.

53. With age comes wisdom … and hair in really weird places.
I was going to comment that I was worried that, at my age, I may not even live long enough to read all 60 of these jokes. Then I realized that I was better off than the person that didn't live long enough to write all 60...   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 05, 2023, 12:11:36 PM
It dawned on me I may have been lied to in school, I was taught that our ears shape, size, and the angle from our head are all to enhance our hearing. As I have gotten older my ears are larger but my hearing is not as good as when they were smaller.
I have noticed talking with others this is a normal trend too, therefore conclude the truth must be small ears are better at hearing.   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 05, 2023, 03:59:36 PM
Quote
You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.

Best one!

Wife has started calling me "Fossil".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on August 05, 2023, 04:24:21 PM
Quote
You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.

Best one!

Wife has started calling me "Fossil".


I think it should be if he refers to himself as an archaeologist.

My dad's name in the "Black Sheep" Christian Harley club was Fossil. I think he was 5 years older than me when he took on that name.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on August 06, 2023, 11:04:11 AM
Here's the actual gag website , it's good for a few laughs.
https://rentahitman.com/
That site was actually put up by the FBI, and they have left it up as it has been getting "hits" one person even wanted to work for them. More arrest have been made from this site than originally intended.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: mobilehomer on August 06, 2023, 11:43:38 AM
What did Harry Potter say while filling his gas tank?







EXPENSIVE PETROLEUM!!!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on August 08, 2023, 05:54:12 PM
Here's the actual gag website , it's good for a few laughs.
https://rentahitman.com/
That site was actually put up by the FBI, and they have left it up as it has been getting "hits" one person even wanted to work for them. More arrest have been made from this site than originally intended.
If you watch the video from my previous post you'll learn it was actually not put up by the FBI.
There's a guy who went to college to be an cyber security penetration specialist and created the website for the business he started with his buddies.
It failed and went nowhere but since he owned the domain name he decided to make some use of it after discovering the emails from idiots who thought it was a legitimate website.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 08, 2023, 08:48:40 PM
Did you hear about the man who had 5 peckers?
 Yes 5!
His pants fit like a glove.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on August 09, 2023, 11:43:48 AM
And he used surgical gloves for condoms.........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 09, 2023, 12:01:42 PM
Did you hear about the man who had 5 peckers?
 Yes 5!
His pants fit like a glove.

That must be where all of anti squirrels right hand gloves must be teleporting off to.😉😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 10, 2023, 12:00:59 AM
Judge to his dentist:

"Do you swear to pull the tooth and nothing but the tooth?"

 ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on August 10, 2023, 09:33:42 PM
Judge to his dentist:

"Do you swear to pull the tooth and nothing but the tooth?"

 ???

"So help me gums!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 10, 2023, 10:10:04 PM
Judge to his dentist:

"Do you swear to pull the tooth and nothing but the tooth?"

 ???

"So help me gums!"

 ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 26, 2023, 08:29:16 AM
One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits his job, gives up his apartment and rents out a Cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door.

He opens the door to see this huge lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually the big man speaks:

“I’m yer neighbour from the cabin about a mile down the road. Anyhow, I’m having a party on Saturday and I wondered if you’d like to come.”

The guy pauses for a second and then replies: “You know what, that would be great. It is about time I got out and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.”

“Right,” says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. “I’ll see you about eight o’clock on Saturday then.” And then he turns to leave.

But he pauses for a second and then turns back: “I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit myself back in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with a bit of hard liquor.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “Well, eight o’clock then.”

But as he turns to go he pauses again and turns back: “Yeah, I should also mention: most likely there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.”

“Uh, well, OK,” the guy replies. “I mean, I get on pretty well with most people so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “See you at eight o’clock then.”

But once again he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard: “So I probably also need to tell you: there might be some pretty wild sex.”

The guy perks up a bit at that. “Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that’s what happens.”

“OK then,” says the man. “Well, see you Saturday.” And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.

“Oh wait, just one question,” says the guy. “What should I wear?”

The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again. “I don’t suppose it really matters much. It’s just gonna be you and me.”


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 26, 2023, 11:01:47 AM
One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits his job, gives up his apartment and rents out a Cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door.

He opens the door to see this huge lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually the big man speaks:

“I’m yer neighbour from the cabin about a mile down the road. Anyhow, I’m having a party on Saturday and I wondered if you’d like to come.”

The guy pauses for a second and then replies: “You know what, that would be great. It is about time I got out and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.”

“Right,” says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. “I’ll see you about eight o’clock on Saturday then.” And then he turns to leave.

But he pauses for a second and then turns back: “I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit myself back in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with a bit of hard liquor.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “Well, eight o’clock then.”

But as he turns to go he pauses again and turns back: “Yeah, I should also mention: most likely there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.”

“Uh, well, OK,” the guy replies. “I mean, I get on pretty well with most people so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “See you at eight o’clock then.”

But once again he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard: “So I probably also need to tell you: there might be some pretty wild sex.”

The guy perks up a bit at that. “Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that’s what happens.”

“OK then,” says the man. “Well, see you Saturday.” And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.

“Oh wait, just one question,” says the guy. “What should I wear?”

The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again. “I don’t suppose it really matters much. It’s just gonna be you and me.”
.... cue the banjo music.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 26, 2023, 11:46:24 AM
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him… the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green and orange.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response — I knew he would have a good one.

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and f**ked a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter.”

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 26, 2023, 11:56:11 AM
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks. If one starts quacking, they all do it, and the noise is terrible."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on--a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 26, 2023, 12:26:59 PM
Both funny... thanks for the laughs.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 26, 2023, 12:32:39 PM
Good morning, Bill sir 👍
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 26, 2023, 12:38:25 PM
Yep, mornin'.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 26, 2023, 02:33:30 PM
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him… the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green and orange.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response — I knew he would have a good one.

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and f**ked a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter.”


That one really got me laughing!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Duane38 on August 26, 2023, 04:01:33 PM
Nazi joke...

Nazi: knock-knock

Person: Who's there?

Nazi:  We will ask the questions! 


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 26, 2023, 07:42:51 PM

Two Russians - a WWII veteran and an Oligarch - are in the same room in hospital. Both have been in a traffic accident on a motorway.

“Okay, Gramps - why are you here?” asks the oligarch.

“Well… it is a long story. I have had a Messerschmitt fighter engine as a war memento, and I decided to install it on my Moskvich. It succeeded beyond my expectation - I lost the control of my car on motorway when the speedometer needle hit 300 km/h.”

“And you?”, asks the veteran.

“I was driving my BMW on the motorway when a Moskvich sped past me like a bat out of *(&^. I thought my engine had stalled and I stepped off the car. Turned out it hadnt…”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on August 27, 2023, 09:29:41 AM
Thanks for the morning laughs Rick!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 27, 2023, 09:55:15 AM
Thanks for the morning laughs Rick!


HD sir 👍
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 27, 2023, 11:46:38 AM
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him… the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green and orange.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response — I knew he would have a good one.

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and f**ked a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter.”


That one really got me laughing!!!


Pretty sure you’d have the same response, Rob sir  :-*
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dk1677 on August 27, 2023, 06:45:25 PM
Three sisters aged 82, 84 and 86 live in a house together. One night the 86-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “was I getting in or out of the bath?”.

The 84-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see”. She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, “was I going up the stairs or down?”.

The 82-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful”. She knocks on wood for good measure then yells out, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door”.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on August 27, 2023, 08:15:01 PM
An Englishman, taking a road trip through the US, notices he’s low on fuel, pulls into the first gas station he sees. The attendant walks out and approaches the car.

“How can I help you, sir?”

And in a posh voice, the man says, “I’m low on petrol; please top off the tank.”

With an odd look, the guy begins to fill ’er up.

The Englishman then says, “Also, while I’m here could you open the bonnet and check the oil?”

Now looking slightly peeved but still saying nothing, the serviceman does as requested.

“Oh, yes,” says the Brit, “It appears my windscreen needs a good cleaning. Would you mind terribly-”

Unable to hold his tongue any more the attendant angrily snaps, “Alright, that’s enough! It’s not Petrol, it’s gasoline! It’s not a bonnet, it’s a hood! And it’s not a windscreen, it’s a windshield! We invented cars, so you call them by their American names!”

And with that wonderful, charming, stiff-upper-lip UK wit, the Englishman calmly replies, “Well yes, my friend, you may have invented the automobile, but we invented the language!”


Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on August 27, 2023, 09:19:05 PM
An Englishman, taking a road trip through the US, notices he’s low on fuel, pulls into the first gas station he sees. The attendant walks out and approaches the car.

“How can I help you, sir?”

And in a posh voice, the man says, “I’m low on petrol; please top off the tank.”

With an odd look, the guy begins to fill ’er up.

The Englishman then says, “Also, while I’m here could you open the bonnet and check the oil?”

Now looking slightly peeved but still saying nothing, the serviceman does as requested.

“Oh, yes,” says the Brit, “It appears my windscreen needs a good cleaning. Would you mind terribly-”

Unable to hold his tongue any more the attendant angrily snaps, “Alright, that’s enough! It’s not Petrol, it’s gasoline! It’s not a bonnet, it’s a hood! And it’s not a windscreen, it’s a windshield! We invented cars, so you call them by their American names!”

And with that wonderful, charming, stiff-upper-lip UK wit, the Englishman calmly replies, “Well yes, my friend, you may have invented the automobile, but we invented the language!”




And if I may say, it's quite a mashed up mess for non natives to learn.😁 An example, to, too and two!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on August 28, 2023, 09:34:13 AM
Both cars and language have been perfected in countries not of the origin.   :-\
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on August 28, 2023, 10:46:41 AM
Britain and America Are Two Nations Divided by a Common Language.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on August 31, 2023, 04:42:01 PM
Yep. Prolly the case...

-W
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on September 05, 2023, 12:26:48 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgo7-IDyCok (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgo7-IDyCok)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 08, 2023, 05:39:39 PM
Regular naps will prevent old age... especially if taken while driving.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 08, 2023, 09:11:49 PM
Regular naps will prevent old age... especially if taken while driving.
😁😂😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 08, 2023, 10:14:02 PM
Regular naps will prevent old age... especially if taken while driving.
😁😂😂😂


That has never worked for me, LOL.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 08, 2023, 11:41:57 PM
Only cure for getting old is dieing young and I'm to dang old to die young.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 09, 2023, 08:42:34 AM
Only cure for getting old is dieing young and I'm to dang old to die young.
Yeah, that pellet has left the barrel.  :-\
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Sqrl Klr on September 09, 2023, 10:05:23 PM
Only cure for getting old is dieing young and I'm to dang old to die young.
Yeah, that pellet has left the barrel.  :-\

Hit the target and splattered. I miss my youth. Like my uncle said just wait until you get my age. Not looking forward to it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 10, 2023, 11:22:23 AM
It was a h3ll of a ride. I wouldn't mind doing some of it again and other things, not so much. Not over the hill, just on the down side of the roller coaster.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 12, 2023, 04:07:47 PM
A Michigan fan, an Ohio State fan and an Alabama fan climbed to the top of a mountain. The topic came around to who the most loyal fan was. The Alabama fan said "This is to show all the Alabama fans my loyalty" and jumped of fthe mountain. The Ohio State fan said "This is to show all the Ohio State fans my loyaltiy" and pushed the Michigan fan off the mountain.    ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 12, 2023, 05:45:07 PM
It was a h3ll of a ride. I wouldn't mind doing some of it again and other things, not so much. Not over the hill, just on the down side of the roller coaster.
And picking up speed!😁
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on September 12, 2023, 06:39:46 PM
Life is like a roll of toilet paper---the closer to the end you get, the faster it goes......
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 12, 2023, 09:16:48 PM
https://youtube.com/shorts/WiJtS--7OUI?si=fOQfwHT9fnWEusgK
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 13, 2023, 08:49:59 AM
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ransom_of_Red_Chief
Same story - Different century!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rabbit\Squirrel Killer on September 15, 2023, 01:33:43 PM
...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 15, 2023, 03:30:23 PM
That reminds me of the lady who called into a local radio show to complain about the deer crossing that was put in a dangerous location.


I wonder what that idiot thought the visitors center was there for before the asteroid hit ?
" come visit this vast empty section of dry hot desert in the middle of nowhere "  " home of the world famous world's fastest guided tour "
" as we begin the 12:01 tour you'll see nothing right in front of you, and this concludes our tour for today thank you for visiting, if you missed anything our next tour will begin now ".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on September 15, 2023, 04:33:59 PM
I think you missed the joke of the visitors center in the meme.    :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 15, 2023, 04:44:27 PM
I think you missed the joke of the visitors center in the meme.    :o
Maybe, what is it ?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on September 15, 2023, 05:43:13 PM
Obviously, the visitor center wasn’t there when the meteor hit. It was a joke. Satire
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on September 15, 2023, 06:44:07 PM


Obviously, the visitor center wasn’t there when the meteor hit. It was a joke. Satire

Were you there when the meteor hit?  Were you there when they built the visitor center?   Probably not so why should we believe you?   A line drawn from area 19 to the meteor crater lines up perfectly with the great pyramid.   Coincidence?   I don't think so.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 15, 2023, 07:09:19 PM
Been there 60 years ago when my parents were moving from Chicago ridge to commiefornia.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on September 15, 2023, 10:10:26 PM
Obviously, the visitor center wasn’t there when the meteor hit. It was a joke. Satire
Yes that was my exact takeaway.

It looks like you misunderstood my post.

They ( if they exist ) thought the visitor center came first right ?
I was wondering if they thought there was a random visitors center built in the middle of nowhere built so people could come see absolutely nothing?





Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 16, 2023, 08:16:02 AM
  ??? :-X :-\
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 16, 2023, 09:11:12 AM
Hee hee!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bubba18655 on September 16, 2023, 10:13:44 AM
I stopped there in 2022 and it was $25 entrance fee. The wind was blowing about 40 mph and they cancelled the tours and still wanted full price.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 16, 2023, 10:18:31 AM
If you've seen one meteor crater you've seen them all.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 16, 2023, 10:20:01 AM
Quote
$25 entrance fee

Sounds like any other big hole.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 12:51:46 PM
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9." Principal: "6 x 6?" Johnny: "36." And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.[/color]
Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"[/color]Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" [/color]Johnny: "Pants." Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" [/color]Johnny: "Firetruck."[/color] The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, [/color]I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.[/color
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 12:59:34 PM
A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney
along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes. [/color]
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her Guide
Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost
an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered!!
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story. Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 01:02:02 PM
my wife came home yesterday & said "come in the bedroom with me". we got to the bedroom where she lay down on the bed & said
"take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.

"now take off my blouse." I took off her blouse.

"now take off my skirt." I took off her skirt.

"now take off my bra." so I took off her bra.

"now take off my panties." so I took off her panties.




"NOW DON'T EVER LET ME CATCH YOU WEARING MY THINGS AGAIN
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 01:07:56 PM
My uncle was a C130 Pilot. Often they would have a spare pilot in the plane as he was an instructor. So they would pick up Troops to jump out of the back and with the soldiers in the back they would not know there were a spare pilot on the flight deck. They all thought it was really funny to create an "emergency at the back of the plane and they would take two strings and three of the four guys would leave the cockpit and hand the two strings to the first soldier on the jump seats. And would say if the plane goes left pull gently on the right string and vise versa. The crew would go to the back and the pilot would slowly bank the plane and the soldier would pull on the string and he could see a string go tight so he would steer the plane and freak the soldiers out.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 01:23:49 PM
DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!! [/color]It’s good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!! THIS INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. AN IMPORTANT WARNING TO US ALL!!! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
..
No wonder I have been gaining weight! So I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
..
Problem solved![/color
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 01:35:11 PM
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.


"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.""Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys."There you go," she said. "I told you I could get you a better deal . See you later, Grandpa
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 02:36:12 PM
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a gun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were seven more dead alligators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled mightily, but managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration, ""dang" IT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on September 18, 2023, 02:42:07 PM
Good one's Robert.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: glassman98 on September 18, 2023, 03:00:32 PM
Robert, enjoyed every one of them.  Craig
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 18, 2023, 03:37:48 PM
The one I liked best was the Mercedes joke.
I would give it a try - except I don't have any granddaughters.  ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 04:28:26 PM
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page.

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand...

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands!

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 04:34:52 PM
A husband and wife went in for counseling after 35 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went
into a passionate and painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable,
an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and,
after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her on the lips passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said,
“This is what your wife needs at least once every day of the week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here Monday thru Thursday, but on Fridays, I shoot my air rifles.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on September 18, 2023, 04:41:07 PM
There are three kinds of answers to almost every test question:
1- The answer the teacher/test maker decides is a correct answer.
2- An answer that the teacher/test maker decides is not a correct answer.
3- An answer that a student thinks up that is correct - but different from #1 above.
This happened while I was teaching high school students.  Correct answers were worth 1-point.  Incorrect answers were worth 0-points.  The correct answer that a student thought up that was different from the correct answer I had decided on was awarded TWO points.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 05:56:27 PM
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against
the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which
it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him,
the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to
24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 06:02:14 PM
Did you everwonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where dothey go?


The penguin is avery ritualistic bird, which lives an extremely ordered andcomplex life. The penguin is verycommitted to its family and will matefor life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the surface ice, other members of the family and social circle dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly goodfellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You didn't really believe that I know anything about penguin deaths,did you
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 06:08:25 PM
Here's 1 for the ladies.

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.


He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them


He told them he had one thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.


"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "I was wondering if either of you had a preference for it?"


Adam jumped up and down, pleading "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like the sort of thing a man should have."


Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly that he should have it.


Adam was excited. He started wizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, then tried to hit a stump 10-feet away - laughing with delight all the while.


God and Eve were watching him with amusement when God said, to Eve, "I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."


"What's that?" asked Eve


God said, "Brains
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 06:14:16 PM
A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, be at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the whitedress
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 06:16:45 PM
The Italian Cow.

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Sicily .

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily ."You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily ?"


The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:
"My wife is from Sicily
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 06:21:33 PM
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.


The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.


In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, That's 40 cents, please."


They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"


"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."


"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.


As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.


Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"


The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 06:40:48 PM
On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors and pointed out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.

"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60."

"Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180."

"Are there any questions?"

At this point, a older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"How much for a season pass
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 06:49:53 PM
an older feller was at the doctor's office one day.
He says, "Doc, I bin woiking for near 43 years.
I ain't ne'er had a hollerday.
I'ze gonna take a cruise and relax on a beach somewhere
and enjoy some ladies.

He lowers his voice and whispers,
"I wanna have some fun.... I wanna get castrated"
the Doc is surprised and say's "are you SURE about this?"
the Old guy confirms, saying "Yup, I have NEVER bin on a Hollerday,
and wanna have some real fun! and I wanna get castrated!"

The doctor is concerned, but grants the man's wish.

a couple weeks later, shortly after the operation
the old guy wakes up in "Recovery"
He's not feeling all that well, has a huge pain
in his lower abdomen, and VERY tender "Down There".

There's a gentleman in the bed across from him
Whistling and doing a crossword puzzle.

The old guy, wanting to make conversation to take
his mind off his discomfort, asks:
"Hi, and what are you in here fer?"
The Gentleman reply's, "Why I just had a minor procedure,
I was circumcised."

The old man frowns and mumbles...
"circumcised? CIRCUMCISED?
DANG NABBIT!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 06:52:10 PM
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money
running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool
their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and
begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't
able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the
second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up -
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 18, 2023, 06:56:27 PM
Chicago Bears. The only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank .
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a
truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
window 75 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 50 yards away, right into a chimney. KA- BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS - EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"B
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses, and then tearfully says,..........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on September 19, 2023, 12:08:52 PM
You know how one joke reminds you of another?

The quoted bit reminds me of the Q&A below it:

Quote
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands!

If you held a mothball in one hand; and a mothball in the other hand; what would you have?

A very large moth.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 01:37:45 PM
A 61-year-old man (name withheld) was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the mane xplained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand,b ut nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

We even called up [name withheld], the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands. She even tried with her mouth. Still nothing. "

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The man replied, "Yep, none of us could getthe jar open
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 02:00:32 PM
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.

But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought this was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity."1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too much fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of standout?"

"Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.

What a great time I had!

Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 02:08:20 PM
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,i t's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence –

HUSBAND: "S**t
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 03:32:03 PM
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctorsays, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 04:05:59 PM
Because of the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled:
"SURVIVOR-- SOUTHERN STYLE"


The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and onto South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back in Alabama.


Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR not worthy, Go Yankees; Hillary in 2020, and Deer Hunting is Murder!


The first one that makes it back to Montgomery ALIVE, wins
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 19, 2023, 04:46:26 PM
Finally, a reality show with no winners.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 04:59:41 PM
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic;
her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend’s arrival,
she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm takin' a dump. Please advise."

Almost brings a tear
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 05:16:40 PM
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the **** day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who the **** I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 05:20:54 PM
While vacationing on the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 19, 2023, 05:55:26 PM
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

Typical day in my life!!!
Thank you!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 06:38:56 PM
A drunk stumbles upon a Baptismal Service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and
stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher...I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and
pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 06:39:18 PM
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder. So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching
the car, he notices that there are five very old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?
Ma'am, the office replies, You weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.
Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles per hour the old woman says, a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks.
Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 06:49:56 PM
Petishun
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and
makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream
cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new
law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke.
If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise

They spell about as good as I do.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on September 19, 2023, 07:27:07 PM
You know how one joke reminds you of another?

The quoted bit reminds me of the Q&A below it:

Quote
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands!

If you held a mothball in one hand; and a mothball in the other hand; what would you have?

A very large moth.
...or a very large moth's undivided attention?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 07:58:48 PM
Where's John?


Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents
happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers
with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out.
He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 08:16:19 PM
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out,
saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 19, 2023, 08:27:25 PM
This good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk
"do you live here?" "Yep." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" Yep." "When they got up on the second floor he asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep."
Then he got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk.
So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. But lo and behold when he went back outside,
there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep." So he did and
put him in the same door with the first drunk, then went back downsatirs. To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him.
But before he got to him the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "For God's sake officer, protect me from this man."
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 01:55:14 PM
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
I've experienced a lot of things in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and
extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 03:05:17 PM
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and
soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 03:08:01 PM
This one's for West.

It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism.
They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6,000 armed troops, and 60 fighter jets.

However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 03:12:31 PM
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her five-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and
spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 03:20:12 PM
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went.
Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back,
and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 03:33:03 PM
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie,
and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 03:42:21 PM
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and
he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.
He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 03:48:34 PM
This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast
so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and
he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs
but was having a **** of a time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.
She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.
So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine,
he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 04:19:49 PM
This one is for Scott even though he is next door


AUG 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It’s so beautiful here! The landscape is so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow! God’s Country. I LOVE it here.

OCT 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through some beautiful hills and spotted some deer.
They are so graceful. They are certainly the most peaceful animals on Earth. This must be Paradise. I love it here!

NOV 11 Deer Season starts soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon......I Love it here.

DEC 02 It finally snowed last night! Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard! We went outside and cleaned off the steps and shoveled the driveway.
We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I Love Ohio!

DEC 12 More snow last night. I Love it! The snow plow did his trick again (That Rascal). A Winter Wonderland......I Love it here!

DEC 19 More snow last night... Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work this time! I’m exhausted from shoveling. Darn snow plow!

DEC 22 More of that white stuff fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from all the shoveling. I think the snow plow man hides around the corner and
waits until I’m done shoveling the drive way. CREEP!

DEC 25 "White Christmas" my busted hind-end! More snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-b*&^#, who drives the snow plow I swear I’ll do something drastic to the dumb %#&.
Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt this bloody ice.

DEC 28 MORE white stuff last night. We’ve been inside every day since Christmas except for shoveling out the driveway after every time "SNOW PLOW HARRY" comes by. Can’t go anywhere.
The car is buried under a mountain of white &^^&. The weatherman says to expect another 10" tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?

Jan 01 HAPPY BLOODY NEW YEAR! The weatherman was wrong (again). We got 28" of the white stuff this time. At this rate, it won’t melt until the Fourth of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road,
and the imbecile had the guts to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. After I told him I’ve broken six shovels already, shoveling all the stuff he put in my driveway, I broke my last one over his head.

JAN 04 Finally got out of the house today. We went to the store to get food, and on the way back, a d$! deer ran in front of the car and I hit the stupid beast. Did about $3000.00 damage to the car.
Those filthy animals should be killed. Wish the hunters had shot them all last November.

MAY 03 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all that salt they keep dumping on the roads. Car looks like a piece of &^^&!

May 10 Moved to Georgia! I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in that God forsaken State of Ohio!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 04:50:29 PM
For all of the old guys and girls.


Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?

Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that stupid door!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 05:22:48 PM
Here's for the ones who crs!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 05:35:39 PM
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 05:39:22 PM
A Kentucky family took a holiday to New York City.

For an adventure the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw - especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked,
'What's that there, Paw?'

The father responded,
'Well son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, 'Go git your Maw.'
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 07:12:48 PM
ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling?
Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and
anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns.
Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match.

Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater,
the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.

They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face,
they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat,
and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card, unopened, in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and
went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?

Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed,
she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No."

"The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father.

"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of Catholic school."

"How so?", asked his mom.

"When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 20, 2023, 09:13:05 PM
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 02:47:39 PM
A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.
"One man from Texas is better than ten Iraqis." The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune
whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence. The voice once again calls out

"One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi."

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences.
After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again

"One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi."

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns,
grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There are two of them
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 03:13:42 PM
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.
Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and M&M's'!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 03:19:10 PM
Here's what Klinger should have done.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged,
and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 04:42:09 PM
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay? Don't ever do that!
They arrested me
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 04:47:32 PM
– You’ve been run off the road by or had a close encounter with farm equipment.
– You know what everybody’s vehicle looks like and drive by the bar in the morning to see who was really drunk last night, and then tour around to see who’s parked at someone else’s house.
– You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor’s crops.
– You have borrowed gravel from the RM road to fill potholes in your driveway.
– Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
– You have friends and neighbors with rooms, sheds, buildings etc. painted to match their favorite farm machinery brand.
– You’ve been too drunk to finish a curling bonspiel.
– You have at least as many vehicles as people in your family and own snowmobiles and ATV’s as well.
– You have a tattoo featuring your favorite farm machinery brand.
– The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.
– The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
– You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
– Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 05:18:59 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their boobs and not listening to them
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on September 21, 2023, 05:19:30 PM
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay? Don't ever do that!
They arrested me
Don't ask, don't tell.   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 05:23:46 PM
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
Forget the ships.
My lighthouse, my rules 🤔
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 06:08:20 PM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fXo2FdKG5bo&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.go2gbo.com%2F&source_ve_path=MzY4NDIsMjg2NjY&feature=emb_logo (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fXo2FdKG5bo&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.go2gbo.com%2F&source_ve_path=MzY4NDIsMjg2NjY&feature=emb_logo)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 06:55:39 PM
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the ******* from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken", says the coroner
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 07:12:54 PM
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 07:47:02 PM
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 07:50:38 PM
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room,
she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 08:39:11 PM
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 08:44:26 PM
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he’d dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, “Listen, ‘sir’, it’s real simple.
Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn’t come out even, don’t open the hatch

Truth!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 08:51:18 PM
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row,
but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot,
but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 09:35:02 PM
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

And that's what we call new math!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 09:39:14 PM
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

The message when you call the VA.😡
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 21, 2023, 09:40:56 PM
If you're cold just stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees.😁


Little Johnny was sitting at the kitchen table, doing his math homework. His mother came up behind him to hear what he was mumbling as he worked. She heard him say “2 plus 2, the son of a b***** is 4”. After almost fainting, mom asked him where he learned THAT? Little Johnny said the teacher taught him that. Mom immediately called the teacher and told her what Little Johnny had said, and asked her if she had taught her son that. After a hearty laugh, the teacher told her that she couldn’t be sure where Little Johnny learned that version but she taught the kids “2 plus 2, the SUM OF WHICH is 4”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 22, 2023, 12:31:38 PM
A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. "In the Golden Bar!
They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes." "Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pi**ed in your saxophone
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 22, 2023, 06:22:33 PM
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son” he said, “I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying sonny.”
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said… “You have to keep the worms warm
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 22, 2023, 06:54:03 PM
Life as a small town/rural kid growing up in Saskatchewan….
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little )&^%*^ compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down.
Tough sumbich !
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place
One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten old stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (‘ether’). The light bulb went off in my head.
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself, ether really doesn’t “sound” flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex pile and a can of ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know.
You know what. Screw that; I’m going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we’re cookin’.
I stepped back about 15 ft. and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck… OH SHOOT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a hey! look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don’t know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this… THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE..
There was a big poplar tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said “was”. That sumbich got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Riders T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU’RE BRINGIN’ EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. **** IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don’t know – I know I said something. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t hear inside my own head. I don’t think he heard me either… not that it would really matter. I don’t remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later….repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming “Bring him back to life so I can kill him again”.
Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure… I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been griping about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It’s good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: oldnamvet on September 22, 2023, 08:35:07 PM
Wow!  All I ever did was blow up the neighbors 50 gallon drum incinerator. Home made black powder. Was 11 yr old and should have known better but a friend bet me I couldn't do it. Stupid kid I was.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on September 22, 2023, 09:15:46 PM
I see down at the bottom of your posts it says "I'm to old to die young". My mother always said God looks out for children and fools....I think you used most of your allotment that day.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 22, 2023, 09:18:12 PM
I see down at the bottom of your posts it says "I'm to old to die young". My mother always said God looks out for children and fools....I think you used most of your allotment that day.
You know it's a joke right? I never did anything like that unlike some people.🤣😂🤣😜

A friend of mine a few decades ago took a CO2 cartridge, drilled out the end, filled it 1/4 full of black powder and glued a .22 blank to fill the hole. He then bent some coat hanger wire taping it to the side of the cart and attached fins to the other. We were on our way to go hunting near esabels lake and stopped on a dirt road out in the middle of the desert. There wasn't a person around for miles and it was at night. Well, one of us and I don't remember who took one his little creations and threw it as high and as far as he could. I got to tell you when that hit it blew up and scared the**** out of us. We then told him to take the other 2 apart and he agreed whole hearty. 😱😲😁 static electricity can set that stuff off and they were rolling around on the floor of his back seat.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on September 22, 2023, 09:33:52 PM
15 minutes later... I'm still chuckling and wiping my eyes.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on September 22, 2023, 09:43:41 PM
Once, only once mind you, my brothers took a brass 10 ga. shell and drilled a small hole by the rim. Think touch hole. Then they put an empty 20 ga. inside an empty 12ga. shell. Think mortar. A few grains of herco in the 10ga. 12 and 20 on top. Well you can figure out the rest.Mad doesn't EVEN begin to describe it.  Those were the days.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 22, 2023, 09:44:40 PM
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife,
he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants,
and examined his lacerated bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, and then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and
proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied,
"Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 23, 2023, 12:59:24 PM
This is true. My son just got a letter from the VA that he has a new primary doctor. First name is bubbles.😱 He's just hopping the doctor is a women.😂🤣😂😁
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on September 23, 2023, 01:05:30 PM
AMEN to that.  And if it is not, hope he/she/it is not a proctoligist.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 23, 2023, 01:39:49 PM
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,
but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,
clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and
unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking ?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 23, 2023, 01:44:05 PM
Top Comments at the Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators at the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on September 23, 2023, 02:23:53 PM
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, arshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Arshole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, arshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your arse,'
I answered, 'Well, arshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,
and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two arsholes beating the &^^& out of each other in front of six cop cars,
an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on September 25, 2023, 02:39:44 PM
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, arshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Arshole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, arshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your arse,'
I answered, 'Well, arshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,
and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two arsholes beating the &^^& out of each other in front of six cop cars,
an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

[chuckling]

The joys of anger management!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on September 25, 2023, 02:41:07 PM
What's up with the French and snail eating, I asked my friend.

They hate fast food, she said.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 25, 2023, 05:16:56 PM
I took the shell off my racing snail  for aerodynamics...
Now he is sluggish.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on September 25, 2023, 05:23:05 PM
Don't think I posted this yet....

If Americans feed their babies with mini forks and spoons, do you think Chinese feed their babies with toothpicks??
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on September 26, 2023, 10:24:55 PM
Top Comments at the Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators at the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?


and number 9?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 11, 2023, 11:02:45 AM
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$100."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "I'll tell."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$200"

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$300."

The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that stuff again."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 16, 2023, 04:30:49 PM
You know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on October 16, 2023, 05:00:02 PM
You know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!



True dat!! 😊
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on October 16, 2023, 09:52:25 PM
You know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!

That (typically) only works for 1 parent...........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on October 16, 2023, 10:31:38 PM
You know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!

That (typically) only works for 1 parent...........
Feel sorry for you Ron... (typically) both find it fun. Otherwise it would be called "solitare".. ::) :o ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on October 16, 2023, 11:09:46 PM
You know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!

That (typically) only works for 1 parent...........
Feel sorry for you Ron... (typically) both find it fun. Otherwise it would be called "solitare".. ::) :o ;D

Yeahbut.........only 1 plays IN the box..........the other IS the box........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on November 02, 2023, 06:55:32 AM

(https://www.airgunnation.com/attachments/main-qimg-4c0a0f24321559ea01251f24320def4a-gif.401982/)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 02, 2023, 11:08:48 AM
You know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!

That (typically) only works for 1 parent...........
Feel sorry for you Ron... (typically) both find it fun. Otherwise it would be called "solitare".. ::) :o ;D

Yeahbut.........only 1 plays IN the box..........the other IS the box........
Is that sort of like "sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the window"🤔.🤣🤣
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on November 02, 2023, 12:29:44 PM
You know the best part of having kids?
...
Playing in the box they came in!

That (typically) only works for 1 parent...........
Feel sorry for you Ron... (typically) both find it fun. Otherwise it would be called "solitare".. ::) :o ;D

Yeahbut.........only 1 plays IN the box..........the other IS the box........
Is that sort of like "sometimes you're the bug and sometimes you're the window"🤔.🤣🤣
Not really because I don't plan on ever being the box...    :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 02, 2023, 05:58:55 PM
Stay outta prison 🤣😂🤣😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on November 03, 2023, 08:42:13 AM
Stay outta prison 🤣😂🤣😂
That's one of the goals.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 03, 2023, 10:50:24 AM
Stay outta prison 🤣😂🤣😂
That's one of the goals.
😂😂😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Whirligig on November 04, 2023, 04:08:52 PM
That was a real punch in the gut...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 04, 2023, 04:33:43 PM
It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"















Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on November 05, 2023, 07:41:12 AM
Although I lost my hair years ago, my comb of many years still sits on the dressing table. I just can't part with it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 05, 2023, 09:05:57 AM
Although I lost my hair years ago, my comb of many years still sits on the dressing table. I just can't part with it.
Hair loss?  Hummm!
I have a hair brush that I use daily.  I bought it from my barber/friend when I was about 18 years old.  It will probably last me the rest of my years.  It doesn't work hard anymore.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on November 06, 2023, 11:20:15 AM
An elderly man rear-ended a younger man who was driving an expensive European sports car…
Enraged, the younger man hops out & confronts the old man. "Look what you did to my car…!!! ”He yells
"I demand that you give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously, "I don't have that kind of money.”
“ Just let me call my son…,” he said with hope, “he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins..!?!?! Right" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man took out his phone, dialed his son, & just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
" Dad .for the last time, I train Seals… Navy Seals.”
“NOT dolphins..!!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 06, 2023, 11:38:28 AM
Love it!🤣😂
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dv8eod on November 06, 2023, 03:14:54 PM
Wheww!.... For a sec there, I thought it was gonna be about Miami's defensive line. LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on November 07, 2023, 07:03:42 AM
[chuckling]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on November 09, 2023, 01:21:55 PM
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on November 09, 2023, 02:19:46 PM
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.


Salty! [chuckling]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on November 09, 2023, 02:21:48 PM
My wife accused me of being an idiot for wearing two jackets when I painted our apartment. The foolish lady has always been too dumb to follow directions, which clearly say put on two coats.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 09, 2023, 06:59:18 PM
You are! You're suppose to be wearing coats not jackets!
Sheesh, anybody could've told you that! 😜
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on November 17, 2023, 01:05:33 PM
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02M3aVUEzfgLwn91JArK3d7Q5dtocxxXCG8K61eXePcteCTvWxqQwNknWTi5VJkx5ul&id=100066382401082

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Antaeus776 on November 19, 2023, 08:47:38 AM
Since it's deer season here in Vermont, thought I'd post this classic:

On the way home from a hunt in which he harvested no deer meat, a hunter stops by the grocery store. "Give me a few of your cheapest kind of steaks," he says. "We're out of steaks, but we have hotdogs and chicken," says the butcher. "Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"

 :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on November 19, 2023, 09:24:45 AM
Why is the suicide rate for Siamese twins so high?

Every one's a BOGO.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: TennX on December 08, 2023, 11:30:09 AM
71 year old man sitting in a bar when a gorgeous 19 year old walks in….she notices him staring and approaches….I will do anything u want doesnt matter ..for $100…but there is a condition…u can only use 3 words to make yor request….the gentleman thinks long and hard….he lays 10 $10 bills in her out stretched hand and quietly says “Paint My House”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on December 08, 2023, 12:08:48 PM
[laughing]

Good one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on December 08, 2023, 12:13:44 PM
Oh, I have a dirty mind today!   ;) :D :D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 08, 2023, 12:15:18 PM
Me too, I'd have to insist she wash the house before painting.   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 08, 2023, 01:32:46 PM
But that's more than 3 words.😉
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 09, 2023, 12:59:02 PM
I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 09, 2023, 01:00:38 PM
I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
No shortage of materials there.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on December 09, 2023, 01:41:23 PM
I just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

Groan or laugh?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on December 09, 2023, 04:48:27 PM
I guess its hard to make a yard stick anymore.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 09, 2023, 04:52:26 PM
Got kicked outta a permission today for shooting squirrels by size.

Guess they didn't like me critter sizing the squirrels.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on December 09, 2023, 05:53:48 PM
[chuckling]

Overly critta kill
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 10, 2023, 11:08:56 AM
 ;D
Good one Jeff!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on December 11, 2023, 06:39:48 PM
http://youtu.be/H_4xnCSXTfQ?si=CRoGOuAAl0uUTvUh (http://youtu.be/H_4xnCSXTfQ?si=CRoGOuAAl0uUTvUh)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: TennX on December 12, 2023, 09:53:03 AM
Terrible scheduling conflict - Super Bowl

 
 Sharing an urgent email I just received from an old buddy in Florida:
 ****************

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl -- box seats plus airfare, accommodations, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., good cook, and makes $130,000 a year. She will be the one in the white dress . . .
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 12, 2023, 12:48:11 PM
....and I'll bet his buddy is still single.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 13, 2023, 06:14:10 PM
So, I think it's so nice that the gas stations have changed the gas pump handles to green for Christmas.🤔🤔🤔
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on December 13, 2023, 06:19:07 PM
 :D LOL ours are red
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 13, 2023, 08:08:11 PM
:D LOL ours are red
Still Christmas color
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on December 13, 2023, 09:22:25 PM
:D LOL ours are red
Still Christmas color
Yes but better in your car than the green ones
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 14, 2023, 02:14:51 PM
No joke, it's real but it's so funny it belongs here.
I just read story on two idjit thieves who are asking for a lighter sentence because the items they stole were on sale.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 14, 2023, 03:04:20 PM
:D LOL ours are red
Still Christmas color
Yes but better in your car than the green ones
Bob
Unless it's a diesel.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 15, 2023, 04:47:42 PM
So, I think it's so nice that the gas stations have changed the gas pump handles to green for Christmas.🤔🤔🤔
Reminds me of the video on AFV from a couple months back, the girl prank calls her father to tell him she put the special green Christmas gas into her car and now it won't start.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on December 15, 2023, 06:25:18 PM
When I was a kid we stole 5 gallons of gas that turned out to be diesel and we put it in a 48 Packard that one of the other guys had.  At first it would start ok then a little later we had to push it to get it started ran very slow then poof.  So much for his 48 Packard.
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on December 15, 2023, 11:11:15 PM
When I was a kid we stole 5 gallons of gas that turned out to be diesel and we put it in a 48 Packard that one of the other guys had.  At first it would start ok then a little later we had to push it to get it started ran very slow then poof.  So much for his 48 Packard.
Bob

Karma is a b*&ch, ain't it ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Back_Roads on December 17, 2023, 09:11:19 AM
No joke, it's real but it's so funny it belongs here.
I just read story on two idjit thieves who are asking for a lighter sentence because the items they stole were on sale.
Yes they claimed with their Kohls cash the sentences would not be a felony as they were over the $2000 limit for misdemeaner charges LOL
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on December 18, 2023, 10:20:44 AM
[chuckling]

Too tragic to not be funny... or true!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on December 21, 2023, 02:48:22 PM
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?











“Supplies!”
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 21, 2023, 05:45:24 PM
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?











“Supplies!”
Thanks... I was pondering several different things a janitor might say when he comes out of the closet.    :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 22, 2023, 11:16:09 PM
No joke, it's real but it's so funny it belongs here.
I just read story on two idjit thieves who are asking for a lighter sentence because the items they stole were on sale.
Yes they claimed with their Kohls cash the sentences would not be a felony as they were over the $2000 limit for misdemeaner charges LOL
Don't they know that nothing at Kohls is ever actually on sale ?
Kohls just makes up a phoney heavily inflated " original price " then claims the item is on sale, I'm not joking either because Kohls has gotten in trouble for this numerous times.

That might kind of complicate things really, if claiming the items were " on sale " didn't work that means the police went by the " original " prices which were probably highly inflated and these thieves may not have actually went over the misdemeanor limit.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 23, 2023, 07:29:38 AM
Makes no difference to me... a thief is a thief is a thief. They deserve whatever they get and probably even more.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on December 23, 2023, 03:15:19 PM
Makes no difference to me... a thief is a thief is a thief. They deserve whatever they get and probably even more.

Ditto!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 24, 2023, 09:36:13 PM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

 
She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"

 
I replied, "I WASN'T DONE, SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

 
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"  At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.     


Finally I pondered an age old question:  "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?"  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?     

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.


A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."     


On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."     

 
I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on December 25, 2023, 10:33:23 AM
Makes no difference to me... a thief is a thief is a thief. They deserve whatever they get and probably even more.
I don't care about such people either.
Have you seen all the videos of ghetto people waking into stores and just filling trash bags with merchandise?
These people aren't being dealt with, and it's destroying their communities.
People might try to say the stores can afford it and these punks are just stealing merchandise to sell for food or Christmas money...etc, but the stores really can't afford it so they leave and all the people wonder why their communities are failing and they can't afford anything.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 25, 2023, 11:28:25 AM
LOL.... I put the media on the same level as the thieves. I mean, it's like they are spreading the word for all the thieves to band together and go on these sprees because little is being done or can be done to stop them.
I absolutely believe in freedom of the press/speech but there also has to be a certain level of responsibility that goes with it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on December 25, 2023, 02:18:44 PM
Dang... I came here for a Joke.

Joseph and Mary found no vacancy at the inn...
Inn Keeper say's "Sorry, it's kinda crazy full at Christmas"
Joseph says "What's that?"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on December 25, 2023, 02:21:07 PM
My bad.. I contributed to the derail... probably even instigated it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: subscriber on December 27, 2023, 12:29:04 AM
Arguments can be entertaining.  In this case, dogs behaving like people on internet forums:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goRogFQWkZU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-oCHWsNZwI
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on December 27, 2023, 01:39:49 AM
We had dogs just like that 🤣😂 They were best of friends but if they were on opposite sides of a fence they'd fence fight. Of course they were male.lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on January 21, 2024, 03:32:17 PM
How do you milk a sheep? You come out with a new iPhone and charge a $1000 for it.

You can get rid of unwanted junk by putting it in a Amazon box and leaving it on the porch.

If a stranger sits down next to you in a park, just stare straight ahead and whisper, did you bring the money 🤑?

60 might be the new 40 but 9pm is the new midnight.


When one door closes and another one opens, you're probably in prison.

I had my patience tested, I'm negative.







Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: wolverine on January 21, 2024, 09:15:11 PM
a mother superior is lying on her death bed when a nun enters the room to check on her. the nun asks the superior if she would like something to drink.  straining to speak, the mother superior replies "yes, thank you.  a glass of freshly gathered milk please."  the nun hurries off to the barn to milk the cow.  returning through the kitchen, a priest asks how the mother superior is faring.  the nun replies "i don't think she has long father".  "okay then" says the priest, let me add something to that milk.  opening a bottle of 20 year old irish whiskey, he pours a generous amount into the glass of milk. once back in the room, she gently holds the glass to the mother superiors lips, letting her slowly sip the milk.  the dying mother grabs it from the nuns hands and finishes it to the last drop, licking the lip of the glass as she lets it fall to the bed.  she motions for the nun to come closer.  this is it the nun realizes.  with her dying breath the mother superior whispers in her ear..."keep   that   cow"!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: TennX on February 02, 2024, 11:06:49 AM
LOL……doesnt have to be 1989…
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ike the GSD on February 08, 2024, 05:46:30 AM
Arguments can be entertaining.  In this case, dogs behaving like people on internet forums:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goRogFQWkZU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-oCHWsNZwI

All they're saying to each other is " YOU SHUT UP" "NO YOU SHUT UP" lol
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ike the GSD on February 08, 2024, 05:52:50 AM
This lady brought a parrot home from a shelter, the rescue volunteer warned her that he came from a brothel and that he said foul things. She said I don't mind he's beautiful. When she got him home her two daughters came in and he said "heeey there ladies" and a few other things I won't mention. She wasn't concerned and thought everything would be ok, then her husband came home and the parrot said "HI TOM"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Steelontarget on February 08, 2024, 11:48:32 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_ziY0Eh3yo&t=4s (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_ziY0Eh3yo&t=4s)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 09, 2024, 07:18:00 PM
SHMBO asked me to fix her watch.
I told her there's a perfectly good clock on the oven.
Doc says I should be able to go home in a week.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 09, 2024, 08:35:42 PM
SHMBO asked me to fix her watch.
I told her there's a perfectly good clock on the oven.
Doc says I should be able to go home in a week.
The watch wasn't the real problem... the excitement began when you handed her the ox yoke to wear it with.    8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 09, 2024, 09:36:49 PM
A grave worker at the cemetery saw man crying over a grave "Why did you die?.. Why did you die?!" .
Feeling touched, the grave digger said "Sorry for the loss of your wife"

The man turned and said "No, this was her first husband".

 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on February 09, 2024, 09:42:22 PM
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona; the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So, I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender acknowledges that it's a pleasant tradition and lets it be.
The cowboy becomes a frequent visitor to the bar and consistently drinks in the same manner. He requests three mugs and consumes them one after the other.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 10, 2024, 07:40:14 AM
I was going to post a "time traveling" joke... but you didn't like it.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on February 10, 2024, 09:23:05 AM
I was going to post a "time traveling" joke... but you didn't like it.

Days of future past...........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: ShawninIL on February 10, 2024, 09:46:37 AM
What does Sister Mary use for self defense?

NUNCHUCKS!
Insert rimshot here.   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: dk1677 on February 10, 2024, 09:49:09 AM
I used to be addicted to time travel.

But that’s all in the past now.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on February 10, 2024, 11:54:39 AM
I used to be addicted to time travel.

But that’s all in the past now.

The history of the future has already been written........it's just that the paper hasn't been made yet.....
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 11, 2024, 09:07:32 AM
I was going to post a "time traveling" joke... but you didn't like it.

[laughing]

That's a heady one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 11, 2024, 10:05:17 AM
I was going to post a "time traveling" joke... but you didn't like it.

[laughing]

That's a heady one.

WE GOT A THINKER HERE FOLKS!
 ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 11, 2024, 04:14:31 PM
I interviewed for a job when they asked the question.
"What steps would you take in case of a fire?"






Apparently "Big freaking ones!" was the wrong answer.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 11, 2024, 04:52:19 PM
Jeff, my Judy liked that one.   8)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 11, 2024, 05:18:57 PM
I was going to post a "time traveling" joke... but you didn't like it.

[laughing]

That's a heady one.

WE GOT A THINKER HERE FOLKS!
 ;)

[chuckling]. Got me!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 15, 2024, 03:45:30 PM
A burglar broke in my house last night but I knew exactly what to do.
I grabbed my laser pointer and aimed it at his forehead.
My 3 cats took care of the rest.
The Doctors say he should survive.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 15, 2024, 06:04:01 PM
A burglar broke in my house last night but I knew exactly what to do.
I grabbed my laser pointer and aimed it at his forehead.
My 3 cats took care of the rest.
The Doctors say he should survive.
Now that's a good in!!!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 16, 2024, 09:17:52 AM
Now that puts a whole new meaning to "cat burglar".
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: TennX on February 16, 2024, 11:55:47 AM
Stop Spousal Neglect.....
    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on February 16, 2024, 02:47:13 PM
Phil, you’ve got a Joe Biden avatar!   ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 17, 2024, 09:25:48 PM
...
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: triggertreat on February 17, 2024, 11:12:39 PM
I always found it a bit confusing when the teacher would say "Don't get smart with me"!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on February 18, 2024, 03:52:39 PM
The one my mother used that got me was "Just look at your face"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 18, 2024, 06:01:03 PM
The one my mother used that got me was "Just look at your face"
"You need to watch your mouth, boy"      mmmmk.  ???
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 18, 2024, 08:09:21 PM
Dad would tell me:  You are going to meet yourself coming back.
(I drove like an idiot when I was a teenager.) :-[
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on February 18, 2024, 08:35:03 PM
Dad would tell me:  You are going to meet yourself coming back.
(I drove like an idiot when I was a teenager.) :-[

I watched myself crawlin' out as I was a crawlin' in...........
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on February 18, 2024, 08:54:58 PM
I watched myself crawlin' out as I was a crawlin' in...........

Yep, that was me too.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 18, 2024, 09:42:02 PM
"Do as I say, not as I do."

But isn't saying a doing?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on February 18, 2024, 11:21:35 PM
You keep doing that hair is going to grow on your palm. ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 19, 2024, 11:22:14 AM
You keep doing that hair is going to grow on your palm. ::)
Or you'll go blind.😁
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on February 19, 2024, 11:25:05 AM
Dad would tell me:  You are going to meet yourself coming back.
(I drove like an idiot when I was a teenager.) :-[
At least you don't do that now. Get me on a motorcycle at 71 and I still drive like an idiot, street or dirt.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on February 19, 2024, 11:28:03 AM
Dad would tell me:  You are going to meet yourself coming back.
(I drove like an idiot when I was a teenager.) :-[
At least you don't do that now. Get me on a motorcycle at 71 and I still drive like an idiot, street or dirt.
That's part of the reason I sold mine. The other idiots out there was the other part.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on February 19, 2024, 11:56:56 AM
Dad would tell me:  You are going to meet yourself coming back.
(I drove like an idiot when I was a teenager.) :-[
At least you don't do that now. Get me on a motorcycle at 71 and I still drive like an idiot, street or dirt.
That's part of the reason I sold mine. The other idiots out there was the other part.

[two fingers hanging low gesture]
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Habanero69er on February 19, 2024, 02:34:14 PM
You should be in Daytona for Bike Week. Talk about amateur/idiot week.   ::)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on February 24, 2024, 12:37:11 PM
The word “gym” comes from Greek and translates to “place of the naked.”




Despite pointing this out, I had my membership revoked.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on February 24, 2024, 02:00:20 PM
The word “gym” comes from Greek and translates to “place of the naked.”

Despite pointing this out, I had my membership revoked.

I went to court and gave my "testimony" and to "testify"... imagine their surprise when I grasped my scrotum (testes).
That action predates swearing on the Bible because that did not exist at that time.




Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Madd Hatter on March 02, 2024, 12:49:42 PM
I accidentally past my wife and glue stick instead of her chapstick 😲. She's still not talking to me 😞.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 02, 2024, 03:17:12 PM
Like and shared!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 02, 2024, 03:18:32 PM
Liked and made mental note...   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on March 02, 2024, 08:25:04 PM
I'd be dead
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: brewbear on March 02, 2024, 11:02:52 PM
I'd be dead

But with a smile on your face ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 02, 2024, 11:05:03 PM
I'd be dead

But with a smile on your face ;D
Or at least an evil grin.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on March 03, 2024, 10:30:49 AM
Powdered sugar is NOT an acceptable substitute for flour when making sausage gravy......... (No joke...)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Privateer on March 10, 2024, 05:02:11 PM
My wife treats me like a God.


She usually ignores me until she wants something.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on March 11, 2024, 08:31:16 PM
I wanted to come up with a joke about a cash machine, but I can't think of one ATM.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: R.K. on March 12, 2024, 09:32:59 AM

My wife treats me like a God.


She usually ignores me until she wants something.



With my wife, I always get in the last word,"Yes Dear"
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: KevinJBrown on March 12, 2024, 10:41:08 AM
You should be in Daytona for Bike Week. Talk about amateur/idiot week.   ::)
One of my favorite stories about Sturgis is that I found out what footwear to wear with a thong when I came flying in off the interstate behind a lady on a bike wearing a thong and flip-flops. And the only thing I could think was “well, now I know.”

Also I taught my sons about the idgimits in cages out there to ride like they can’t see you and if they do they will try to run you down.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Be Ready on March 15, 2024, 08:17:48 AM
My son got a part in the school play this year… He will play a man married for 25 years… I congratulated him and told him next year he might get a speaking part.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 15, 2024, 08:23:56 AM
My son got a part in the school play this year… He will play a man married for 25 years… I congratulated him and told him next year he might get a speaking part.
Congrats... my son made inmate of the month.   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 16, 2024, 01:41:29 PM
When a Cougar is so old she needs a hearing aid...
Does she become a Def Leopard?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on March 18, 2024, 08:33:35 PM
When a Cougar is so old she needs a hearing aid...
Does she become a Def Leopard?

Killin' me, Scott. That's a good one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on March 23, 2024, 06:48:45 PM
A beautiful owner of a business called an impropmtu meeting of all the employees.
She told them that as a result of last quarter"s profits that everyone would get LAID.
Everyone started to celeberate.  She finally got everyone settled down and said
OFF.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bantam5s on March 24, 2024, 07:38:04 PM
https://youtu.be/ObkJNstaog8?si=H8UtR4cDhF0KZpjw
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 24, 2024, 09:31:58 PM
A beautiful owner of a business called an impropmtu meeting of all the employees.
She told them that as a result of last quarter"s profits that everyone would get LAID.
Everyone started to celeberate.  She finally got everyone settled down and said
OFF.

 ;D ;)

A Manager facing unmaintainable "Indirect Labor" costs has to reduce his office staff.

He narrowed his decision down to cut either Jack or Linda. but could not make up his mind as to which.
So he decided Monday to wait at the time-clock and see who came in last between the two.

Sure enough, at 10:00 Linda came in, an hour late, all frazzled, hair a mess, and looking like something the cat drug in.
The Manager says, "Linda, I have to lay you or Jack off"

 Linda say's "Boss, I've had a hellofa weekend, so just....  :-X "
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronfiveo on March 24, 2024, 09:51:01 PM
A beautiful owner of a business called an impropmtu meeting of all the employees.
She told them that as a result of last quarter"s profits that everyone would get LAID.
Everyone started to celeberate.  She finally got everyone settled down and said
OFF.

 ;D ;)

A Manager facing unmaintainable "Indirect Labor" costs has to reduce his office staff.

He narrowed his decision down to cut either Jack or Linda. but could not make up his mind as to which.
So he decided Monday to wait at the time-clock and see who came in last between the two.

Sure enough, at 10:00 Linda came in, an hour late, all frazzled, hair a mess, and looking like something the cat drug in.
The Manager says, "Linda, I have to lay you or Jack off"

 Linda say's "Boss, I've had a hellofa weekend, so just....  :-X "


:D :D :D

Ron
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronfiveo on March 24, 2024, 09:57:15 PM
An older couple was sitting on the front porch in their rockers just enjoying
the evening.

All of a sudden the old lady reached over and gave her husband a whack hard
enough to knock him down to the floor.

The old man got up and sat back down in his rocker and asked, " What was that fer?"

The old lady answered, "That was for 60 yrs of bad sex. "

The old man "humphed" and settled back to rocking on the porch.

A little while later he reached over and gave his wife a whack hard enough to
land her on the floor.

The old lady got up and sat back down in her rocker and asked, " What was that fer?".

The old man looked at her and said, " That was for knowing the difference."

Ron
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 24, 2024, 10:21:02 PM
One hot August day a "City Slicker" was walking down the side walk in my little town in Indiana.
A very elderly lady was sitting on her porch eating a big slice of watermelon wearing a summer dress hiked up to her knees.
 Quite embarrassed, the "Dude" said...
 "Ma'm, I can't help but notice... you don't have any 'panties' on".
She replied "Yep Sonny, that keeps the fly's off the watermelon".

(Not that I may know her)  ;)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronfiveo on March 24, 2024, 10:26:08 PM
:D :D :D

Ron
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Insanity on March 25, 2024, 12:16:21 AM
So my uncle who is paralyzed waist down had spent a lot of time at home. In the morning he would sit on his front porch drinking a beer, if you thought coffee man you were wrong. So one morning this guy walks on by dragging a chain my uncle don't think much of it. Then the next day same thing my uncle though that was strange. Then the 3rd 4th and 5th day go buy same thing. So on the 6th day of my uncle having a beer on the porch in the morning sees the same guy dragging a chain down the street. Now if you know my uncle you know... He shouts to the guy hey idiot why do you keep draggin that chain down the road. The guy yelled back you dumb @@@ you ever try to push one.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 25, 2024, 08:44:55 AM
So my uncle who is paralyzed waist down had spent a lot of time at home. In the morning he would sit on his front porch drinking a beer, if you thought coffee man you were wrong. So one morning this guy walks on by dragging a chain my uncle don't think much of it. Then the next day same thing my uncle though that was strange. Then the 3rd 4th and 5th day go buy same thing. So on the 6th day of my uncle having a beer on the porch in the morning sees the same guy dragging a chain down the street. Now if you know my uncle you know... He shouts to the guy hey idiot why do you keep draggin that chain down the road. The guy yelled back you dumb @@@ you ever try to push one.
Nope, never tried.. is it hard to do?    ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Hoosier Daddy on March 26, 2024, 05:51:31 PM
"What the difference between a recent corps and a slice of pizza?

A slice of pizza won't feed a family of 6."



That was told to me today by a "5 star" culinary chef... so let THAT roll around in your noggin next time you go to a high class restaurant!
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Garandsx5 on March 27, 2024, 09:16:52 AM
"What the difference between a recent corps and a slice of pizza?

A slice of pizza won't feed a family of 6."



That was told to me today by a "5 star" culinary chef... so let THAT roll around in your noggin next time you go to a high class restaurant!

Not sure what recent corps?

Marine? Drum? Peace?
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on March 27, 2024, 09:25:38 AM
"What the difference between a recent corps and a slice of pizza?

A slice of pizza won't feed a family of 6."



That was told to me today by a "5 star" culinary chef... so let THAT roll around in your noggin next time you go to a high class restaurant!

Not sure what recent corps?

Marine? Drum? Peace?
?


Corpse or cadaver.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Rick67 on March 27, 2024, 09:26:51 AM
Deleting the E might have been intentional.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 27, 2024, 09:40:44 AM
Roadkill.   :o

It will feed a family of 6 because 5 of them won't eat.   ;D
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on March 27, 2024, 10:24:56 AM
Roadkill.   :o

It will feed a family of 6 because 5 of them won't eat.   ;D
Now that is cold.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Bicycleman on March 27, 2024, 04:08:21 PM
True story from Louisiana:
    I drove up to the local grocery store.  The little GIRL clerk drove up just before me.  After she stopped, she got out and started rooting around in the back of her pickup truck.  When I glanced at what she was doing, I saw she had a dead squirrel in the back of the truck.  I asked what she was doing?  She said she had picked up the squirrel after it had been killed in the road by the car ahead of her truck.  She said she was going to call her brother to come get it and clean it before it spoiled.

Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronno6 on March 27, 2024, 04:12:48 PM
At least it would have already been tenderized.......
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronfiveo on March 27, 2024, 04:13:55 PM
At least it would have already been tenderized.......

:D :D

Ron
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on March 27, 2024, 07:27:31 PM
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that thing?"



Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on March 27, 2024, 07:53:14 PM
OH NO
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: avator on March 27, 2024, 09:12:33 PM
Peanuts would be hard to pick up too.   :o
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: buellm2 on March 27, 2024, 09:39:06 PM
It's also difficult to pick up a circus acrobat.   At least it is for me.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronfiveo on March 27, 2024, 09:42:03 PM
I found walking on the beech the sand was like sand paper. :)

Ron
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Tater on March 28, 2024, 05:16:24 AM
I found walking on the beech the sand was like sand paper. :)

Ron

          (http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/incredibly-stupid.gif)
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: splitbeing on March 28, 2024, 07:49:02 AM
Yeah, I was finding sand in the bowl for days after a beach trip. That stuff gets everywhere. Makes it hard to breathe.

Sorry for these unsophisticated jokes. I know it's low hanging fruit.
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: bnowlin on March 28, 2024, 08:10:33 AM
I found walking on the beech the sand was like sand paper. :)

Ron
There you go dreaming again. ::) ::)
Bob
Title: Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
Post by: Ronfiveo on March 28, 2024, 08:26:02 AM
I found walking on the beech the sand was like sand paper. :)

Ron
There you go dreaming again. ::) ::)
Bob

:D :D :D

Ron