Got jokes? Post 'em here
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Got jokes? Post 'em here
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Author
Topic: Got jokes? Post 'em here (Read 312561 times - 5 votes)
)
Earl
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 2882
yes
Real Name: Earl Peyton
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3700 on:
November 06, 2021, 06:07:15 PM »
Sarcastic Al Says:
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Logged
Lexington, KY, USA
Benjamin Marauder .177, Crosman Challenger .177, Umarex Gauntlet .177, Benjamin Discovery .177, Benjamin Maximus .177, Gamo Whisper Fusion .22, Crosman 2100B, Crosman 2300T, Browning Leverage .177, 2-CMP Daisy 853s, Daisy 880, Mrodair CP-1M .177, Mrodair CP2 .177, 10-Beeman P17s, 3-Crosman P1377s, Umarex Fusion .177, GameFace M4A1 airsoft, Crosman Vigilante, Umarex Peacemaker, 5-Bug-A-Salt, plus many others
Madd Hatter
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 7362
Real Name: Robert
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3701 on:
November 11, 2021, 11:07:18 AM »
Older Men Have Different Priorities . . .
A 78 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down just a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.
After a while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
But before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game.
I want $100, and there’s another condition”.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint my house.”
Logged
Juniper woods ranch AZ
You can only be young once, but you can always be immature
Always follow your heart... but take your brains with you
I'm to old to die young
Men with knowledge but lack wisdom are like a blind man with a lantern
He, who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot, is a fool; and he, who dares not, is a slave.” -- William Drummond, Scottish writer (1585 - 1649)
Just ask yourself, have I pooped my pants today? If the answer is no, you're doing okay.
Hoosier Daddy
The sound of silence
GTA Moderator
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 25107
Attack life... It's gonna kill you anyway.
Real Name: Scott
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3702 on:
November 11, 2021, 12:44:16 PM »
Bwaaa-ha-haaaa!!!
Logged
Kendallville, IN
ON THE GTA MAP!
JimQwerty123
always said ...
"Shoot safe and have fun!"
Hoosier Daddy
The sound of silence
GTA Moderator
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 25107
Attack life... It's gonna kill you anyway.
Real Name: Scott
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3703 on:
November 11, 2021, 12:48:41 PM »
What is the difference between your girlfriend, a prostitute, and your wife?
Your girlfriend says "are you done already?"
A Prostitute says "are you done yet?"
Your wife says "Beige....
I think I want the ceiling painted beige"
Logged
Kendallville, IN
ON THE GTA MAP!
JimQwerty123
always said ...
"Shoot safe and have fun!"
Bimota
Sharp Shooter
Posts: 638
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3704 on:
November 11, 2021, 07:33:50 PM »
Did you hear about the doctor on trial for having sex with six of his patients? The judge said this was a most unusual trial for a veterinarian.
Logged
North of Fort White, Fla
Rabbit\Squirrel Killer
Old School
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 6388
yes
Real Name: Dan
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3705 on:
November 11, 2021, 09:05:52 PM »
Some believe wordplay to be the highest form of humor. Others believe it to be the lowest.
And others still... Believe that those who use it should be pun-ished.
Logged
SO. CA, USA
Rabbit\Squirrel Killer :^)>
Crosman's, Benjamin's, Sheridan's and too many more brands and guns to list, my "collection" is a cry for HELP.....
LOL
bavaria55n
Expert
Posts: 1296
yes
Real Name: Gary
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3706 on:
November 13, 2021, 01:04:27 PM »
An ancient question is about to be answered.
I ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon.
Just waiting to see which one comes first.
A friend of mine was shocked to find out his toaster was not water proof.
Gary
Logged
Illinois
Sqrl Klr
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 8116
Best to have and not need.
Real Name: Gil
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3707 on:
November 13, 2021, 01:54:07 PM »
Or knife proof.
Logged
TX
My Grim Reaper
Madd Hatter
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 7362
Real Name: Robert
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3708 on:
November 13, 2021, 05:00:50 PM »
Not to mention idiot proof.😄
Logged
Juniper woods ranch AZ
You can only be young once, but you can always be immature
Always follow your heart... but take your brains with you
I'm to old to die young
Men with knowledge but lack wisdom are like a blind man with a lantern
He, who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot, is a fool; and he, who dares not, is a slave.” -- William Drummond, Scottish writer (1585 - 1649)
Just ask yourself, have I pooped my pants today? If the answer is no, you're doing okay.
Madd Hatter
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 7362
Real Name: Robert
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3709 on:
November 20, 2021, 11:49:08 AM »
Betty was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Betty
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to
hold my hand when we were courting...."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...."
Mildly irritated, he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck...."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Betty asked.
"To get my teeth
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a
long time but I just can't think of your name.
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me
what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her.
Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?
As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on I-25. Please be careful!"
"*(&^," said Vernon, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them!
«
Last Edit: November 20, 2021, 12:00:26 PM by Madd Hatter
»
Logged
Juniper woods ranch AZ
You can only be young once, but you can always be immature
Always follow your heart... but take your brains with you
I'm to old to die young
Men with knowledge but lack wisdom are like a blind man with a lantern
He, who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot, is a fool; and he, who dares not, is a slave.” -- William Drummond, Scottish writer (1585 - 1649)
Just ask yourself, have I pooped my pants today? If the answer is no, you're doing okay.
ER00z
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 2345
yes
Real Name: Zack
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3710 on:
November 20, 2021, 03:13:46 PM »
How do you turn a slug into a vegetable?
You get a rock and make it squash!!!
Logged
USA, NY, Huron
subscriber
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 6811
yes
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3711 on:
November 20, 2021, 05:50:28 PM »
Quote from: ER00z on November 20, 2021, 03:13:46 PM
How do you turn a slug into a vegetable?
You get a rock and make it squash!!!
Reminds me of this joke:
In a short scene from a weird movie.
Logged
USA
ER00z
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 2345
yes
Real Name: Zack
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3712 on:
November 20, 2021, 09:24:35 PM »
Don't know if this one has been told yet... (Hopefully I don't get kicked, lol)
A man went for a jog on a beach and noticed a woman with no arms or legs lying there crying.
He asked "What's the matter?"
She said "I was lying here thinking I've never really been hugged before "
So the man knelt down and gave her a big hug, then continued on his jog.
Next day the man encountered the same woman crying again during his jog.
He asked "what's the matter today?"
The woman replied "I was lying here and realized I've never been really been kissed before "
So the man knelt down and gave her a big kiss, then continued on his jog.
The next day, the man went for his jog and yet again, he encountered the same woman lying there crying.
He asked "Now what could possibly be the matter? You've really been hugged, kissed and you're lying on this beautiful beach near the water"
She replied "I've never really been screwed before"
The man looked at her, knelt down and grabbed her, then threw her in the water and said "Now you're really screwed"
Logged
USA, NY, Huron
Bubba18655
Plinker
Posts: 159
yes
Real Name: Jim
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3713 on:
November 20, 2021, 10:09:04 PM »
A woman finds a cheap parrot in a pet shop and asks "why so cheap"? The owner tells her the parrot came from a brothel and has some bad language. She decided to take a chance and took the parrot home.
The parrot looked around his new home and said "new house, new madam." Not too bad thought the woman.
Next her daughters came home and the parrot said "new house. new madam, new girls." Once again, not too bad
Next her husband came home and the parrot said " new house, new madam, new girls. Welcome back Kieth."
Logged
USA, PA, Shickshinny
Hoosier Daddy
The sound of silence
GTA Moderator
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 25107
Attack life... It's gonna kill you anyway.
Real Name: Scott
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3714 on:
November 20, 2021, 10:36:33 PM »
Bwaaa-ha-haaa!
Logged
Kendallville, IN
ON THE GTA MAP!
JimQwerty123
always said ...
"Shoot safe and have fun!"
subscriber
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 6811
yes
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3715 on:
November 25, 2021, 03:24:39 AM »
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 50 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
Logged
USA
Madd Hatter
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 7362
Real Name: Robert
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3716 on:
November 25, 2021, 12:01:31 PM »
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Logged
Juniper woods ranch AZ
You can only be young once, but you can always be immature
Always follow your heart... but take your brains with you
I'm to old to die young
Men with knowledge but lack wisdom are like a blind man with a lantern
He, who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot, is a fool; and he, who dares not, is a slave.” -- William Drummond, Scottish writer (1585 - 1649)
Just ask yourself, have I pooped my pants today? If the answer is no, you're doing okay.
mobilehomer
Trained professional. Do not try this at home without adult supervision and trained medical staff on site.
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 5137
yes
Real Name: Ken
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3717 on:
November 25, 2021, 01:23:18 PM »
A New Hampshire cattleman and a Texas cattleman struck up a conversation at a stock convention. These two could not be more opposites. The talk turned to ranch size. The NH rancher says he has about 300 acres. Texan says sounds nice. NH asks Texan how big his spread is. Texan says, "Well, I have a gas pump at the house. I fill my truck up and by the time I get to my gate, I need to fill up again. What do you think?'
NH says "I had a truck like that once."
Logged
White House, TN
If we had some ham, we could have some ham and eggs..... If we had some eggs!!
https://www.zeemaps.com/map?group=962067
Earl
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 2882
yes
Real Name: Earl Peyton
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3718 on:
December 03, 2021, 10:13:57 PM »
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “O’kay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
Logged
Lexington, KY, USA
Benjamin Marauder .177, Crosman Challenger .177, Umarex Gauntlet .177, Benjamin Discovery .177, Benjamin Maximus .177, Gamo Whisper Fusion .22, Crosman 2100B, Crosman 2300T, Browning Leverage .177, 2-CMP Daisy 853s, Daisy 880, Mrodair CP-1M .177, Mrodair CP2 .177, 10-Beeman P17s, 3-Crosman P1377s, Umarex Fusion .177, GameFace M4A1 airsoft, Crosman Vigilante, Umarex Peacemaker, 5-Bug-A-Salt, plus many others
Hoosier Daddy
The sound of silence
GTA Moderator
GTA Senior Contributor
Posts: 25107
Attack life... It's gonna kill you anyway.
Real Name: Scott
Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
«
Reply #3719 on:
December 03, 2021, 10:20:10 PM »
Nice spin on an oldie... I like it!!!
Logged
Kendallville, IN
ON THE GTA MAP!
JimQwerty123
always said ...
"Shoot safe and have fun!"
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Got jokes? Post 'em here