Got jokes? Post 'em here

[Onebaddj]

What do gay cows eat?

Haaaaaay!

[Habanero69er]

Oh Oh, that reminds me of one.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

[Air4All]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, then sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[bantam5s]

What do you call a party of male pigs
A sausage fest
 
( it may not be all that runny, but Hey I just made it up )

[Air4All]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[avator]

The first grade teacher was handing out Life Saver candies and asking the kids to guess what flavor they got. Little Tommy was first and guessed cherry. "Very good Tommy". Sally was next and guessed orange. Again, she was correct. Four or five flavors later she handed Suzie a honey flavored one. Suzie rolled the candy around in her mouth for several seconds then told the teacher that she just couldn't identify the flavor. Not wanting to single Suzie out she gave her a hint. "It's what your mommy sometimes calls your daddy" With that Little Tommy jumps up and yells " SPIT IT OUT SUZIE, IT'S A BUTT HOLE !!!"

[Air4All]

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*%."

[Air4All]

One day a woman went to her doctor. She told the doctor that she wasn't having good sex. The doctor gave her a bottle of viagra, and said put ONE pill in your husband drink and you'll have good sex. So the next day the woman went home and put ONE pill in her husband drink and had good sex. Then she wondered how good it would be if she put TWO pills...so she tried and had sex sooo good she almost cried! So then she wondered what the whole bottle would. And of course she tried it. A few weeks later the doctor called and the little boy answered. The doctor said he was wondering how his mom was doing with the pills. He said," Thanks to you my mom's dead, my sisters pregnant, and my dad's running down the street saying here kitty, kitty, kitty."

[avator]

The elderly woman went to her doctor for her 6 month checkup. After her checkup the doctor, as usual, asked her how life was going for her. She told him she was fine but she worried about her husband of 50 years. It seems he is losing his.... ummm... drive. They hadn't been intimate in 5 months. The doctor gave her a sample of the little blue pills and instructed her to put one in his morning coffee. On her next visit to the doctor the routine went as always. Upon asking her how life was going for her and if the little blue pills did the trick. She responded.. "Life couldn't be better, I did as you instructed and put a pill in his morning coffee and 30 minutes later he took me right there on the table." "Of course",she said, "we are no longer allowed in McDonalds"

[Hoosier Daddy]

What's the difference in a Hippo and a Zippo?
.
.
.
A Zippo is a little lighter

[Bicycleman]

An overweight guy went to his family doctor for his annual checkup.  The long time doctor/friend told him that if he didn't loose weight, he would probably be dead within a year.  The guy asked what to do to trim down.  The doctor/friend told him to get a bicycle and ride 20 miles every day.  A month later, the doctor had not seen or heard from his friend, so he telephone his home.  The wife answered and told the doctor her husband was not home; but, if he really needed to talk with her husband, he could call him on his cell.  She said that he should be in Nashville in a day or two.  The doctor asked what was he going to Nashville for.  The wife said:  You should know what he is going to Nashville for!  You're the one who told him to ride 20 miles every day.

[avator]

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $3.29 a pound and deer nuts are just under a buck.

[Matt15]

Beer nuts are $3.29 a pound

That is nuts!! 

[Bicycleman]

and deer nuts are just under a buck.

If one kills a buck during Doe Season, those could cost WAY MORE than a buck.

[Privateer]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

[Bicycleman]

Oh, oh, oh - that reminds me of another: 
Question:  How do you get rid of a troublesome Polar Bear?
Answer:  Dig a hole in the ice.  Place peas all around the hole.  When the bear come to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole.

[Backyard Airgunner]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nevously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."




The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a University of Alabama Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Their destination Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"While camping in the great outdoors,
we came upon these nice French whores.
They were three and we were two,
I bucked one and Timbuktu."

[avator]

Evidently Little Johnny was a rascal because here he goes again...
Right in the middle of Suzie's reading of her paper on what she did on her Summer vacation Little Johnny jumps up and exclaims "Teacher, I gotta pee!" The teacher replied "Johnny, that was just rude and the polite word would be urinate. Now I want you to use the proper word in a sentence" Johnny sat and thought for a minute then said "Teacher, urinate but, if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."

[Privateer]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."



Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?”

“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too.”

[Hoosier Daddy]