Got jokes? Post 'em here



Author Topic: Got jokes? Post 'em here  (Read 17454 times)

Offline Bicycleman

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #320 on: April 09, 2017, 10:30:53 AM »
I wonder what people think that little red squiggly line under a misspelled word means?   ???
Sometimes it seems you need a decoder ring to read some people's writings.   ???

Here's a clue: right mouse click on that red underlined word & 9 times out 10, the computer's spell check will give them the correct spelling. Then just click on the correct spelling. Easy.  :o
Dave, were you ever a teach her?  I knot, you should have bean.
Lafayette, LOUISIANA  --  If "air rifles" are for kids, I NEVER WANT TO GROW UP! 
                                      Kids who hunt and fish, don't steal or deal.
                        Abbreviations / Acronyms ---> http://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?topic=51866.0;topicseen
LA Hunting Regulations (See Page 40 for Squirrels) - http://www.wlf.louisiana.gov/sites/default/files/pdf/publication/37904-2016-2017-louisiana-hunting-regulations/2016-2017_ldwf_hunting_regulations_low-res1.pdf

Offline Habanero69er

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #321 on: April 09, 2017, 10:34:00 AM »
Good one Mikes.   ;D

Last year couldn't even spell teacher, thus year I are one!   ;)
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Online Steelontarget

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #322 on: April 09, 2017, 01:43:10 PM »
How would you like to be the parents of this five-year-old genius?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygnQCOahTqw
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Offline Hoosier Daddy

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #323 on: April 09, 2017, 02:02:38 PM »
Not funny.
Last thing I want is a 5 Y/O that is smarter than I am.
It's bad enough my Dr. is half my age...
#DoogieHouser
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Online Steelontarget

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #324 on: April 09, 2017, 02:05:45 PM »
Not funny.
Last thing I want is a 5 Y/O that is smarter than I am.
It's bad enough my Dr. is half my age...
#DoogieHouser
You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you. 
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Offline Hoosier Daddy

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #325 on: April 09, 2017, 04:58:41 PM »
You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you.

Ain't that the truth Mike!
 :D
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Offline Tater

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #326 on: April 09, 2017, 05:39:55 PM »

You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you. 

And now a Supreme Court justice (49).
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Offline Rob112o

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #327 on: April 09, 2017, 07:34:24 PM »
Did you know Syria doesn't have Walmarts?


They only have Targets...
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Offline Bicycleman

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #328 on: April 09, 2017, 09:35:12 PM »
Not funny.
Last thing I want is a 5 Y/O that is smarter than I am.
It's bad enough my Dr. is half my age...
#DoogieHouser
Everyday, when I walked into the classroom, I knew that about half the students were smarter than I was (and I was their teacher.)  But we all had the same amount of information that we could learn.  And I knew also that I could learn more, faster than they could - I had more practice.
Knowledge is POWER!
Lafayette, LOUISIANA  --  If "air rifles" are for kids, I NEVER WANT TO GROW UP! 
                                      Kids who hunt and fish, don't steal or deal.
                        Abbreviations / Acronyms ---> http://www.gatewaytoairguns.org/GTA/index.php?topic=51866.0;topicseen
LA Hunting Regulations (See Page 40 for Squirrels) - http://www.wlf.louisiana.gov/sites/default/files/pdf/publication/37904-2016-2017-louisiana-hunting-regulations/2016-2017_ldwf_hunting_regulations_low-res1.pdf

Offline GumpIsrael

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #329 on: April 09, 2017, 10:25:11 PM »
A rabbi, priest, and an imam all walk into a building....you would think one of them would have seen it!
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Online Steelontarget

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #330 on: April 09, 2017, 10:43:48 PM »

You know that you are getting old when police officers, priests, school teachers, school principals, mayors, governors, US presidents, master sergeants and colonels are younger than you. 

And now a Supreme Court justice (49).
I use to like you until you said that.
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Offline Tater

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #331 on: April 10, 2017, 03:17:23 AM »
I use to like you until you said that.

I just heard he was 49 today and realized he's two years younger than me. That, and I noticed I remember every NHL coach and GM from when they played.
Makes me feel old.
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Offline Tater

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #332 on: April 10, 2017, 03:22:57 AM »
Anyways, back on track...


Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
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Online Steelontarget

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #333 on: April 10, 2017, 03:52:17 PM »
A young man fresh out of seminary joins a local church and in a very short time becomes their Pastor.

He decides to visit every one in his church and comes to the home of a 90-year-old woman.  She answers the door and invites him inside.

While chatting with her, she nods off to sleep as old people sometimes do.

The young Pastor does not want to leave without saying good-bye but does not want to disturb the old woman’s sleep.

So the he decides to turn on the television set and watches the golf game with the “mute” button activated.  In the meantime, he notices a big bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and proceeds to consume the contents.

After about a half hour, the old woman wakes and notices that the bowl, once full of peanuts, is now empty.  Still a little sleepy, she looks at the Pastor then looks at the bowl then back and forth like this for about a minute.

The Pastor realizes his faux pax and begins his explanation; “Oh Mrs. Higgins, I am so terribly sorry.  You nodded off to sleep and I did not want to wake you nor did I want to be rude and leave without saying good-bye.  So I decided to watch the television and sample some of your peanuts.  Without realizing what I was doing, I made a complete pig and glutton out of myself.  Well Ma’am, I ended up eating all of your peanuts.  Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

The dear sweet little old lady took hold of the Pastor’s hand and patted it saying; “There now… Dearie… don’t you worry your head about it.  Think nothing of it.  Why ever since I had my teeth pulled all I could do was s-u-c-k the chocolate off of them.”
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Online Steelontarget

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #334 on: April 10, 2017, 04:18:19 PM »
Here’s story that you have to follow along with in your bible.  So go get it before you read any further.

If you don’t have a bible, you can look up the verses at http://www.biblestudytools.com/

Just copy and paste the verses in the story below in the search window of the above web site.
 
Here goes…

One day, the Pastor decides to call on some of the members from his congregation.  He comes to a house and rings the doorbell but nobody answers.

That’s strange, there was a car parked in the driveway, it’s a nice day, and the windows are open.  He can also hear music coming from the radio in the living room.

He waits a few minutes and rings the doorbell several more times but there is no answer.

Seeing that nobody will answer the door he decides to leave his business card inside the door.  Adding a personal touch, he writes “Revelation 3:20,” on the back of his card.  [Go to that verse and read it now]

The following Sunday after services are over the Pastor notices that his business card has been returned to him in the offering plate.  He picks it up and turns it over.

Underneath the verse that he wrote, is another verse in another’s handwriting.  The other verse is “Genesis 3:10” [Go to that verse and read it now]

Here endeth the reading for the day
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Offline Tater

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #335 on: April 11, 2017, 03:26:56 AM »
SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)








"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Offline Tater

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #336 on: April 21, 2017, 02:54:45 AM »
United Airlines: New Mottos


“We put the hospital in hospitality”

 “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

 “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

 “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

 “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

 “We treat you like we treat your luggage”

 “We beat the customer.  Not the competition”

 “And you thought leg room was an issue”

 “Where voluntary is mandatory”

 “Fight or flight.  We decide”

 “Now offering one free carry off”

 “Beating random customers since 2017”

 “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

 “A bloody good airline”
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2240 - Won it at Matt's (Shaky Sarge) fun shoot

Offline mobilemail

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #337 on: April 21, 2017, 11:15:55 PM »
United Airlines: New Mottos


“We put the hospital in hospitality”

 “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

 “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

 “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

 “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

 “We treat you like we treat your luggage”

 “We beat the customer.  Not the competition”

 “And you thought leg room was an issue”

 “Where voluntary is mandatory”

 “Fight or flight.  We decide”

 “Now offering one free carry off”

 “Beating random customers since 2017”

 “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

 “A bloody good airline”

..........too  soon............
            ............too soon...........
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Offline Tater

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #338 on: April 22, 2017, 03:15:07 AM »

..........too  soon............
            ............too soon...........

Thanks for reminding me. I forgot: "We have both red eye and black eye flights".    :o
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P17 - (my wife's)
2240 - Won it at Matt's (Shaky Sarge) fun shoot

Offline K_sqrd

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Re: Got jokes? Post 'em here
« Reply #339 on: April 23, 2017, 11:45:55 PM »
Insurance

As the 93 year old lady finished her annual physical examination,
the Doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age,
Mrs. Green, but tell me, do You still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband", she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Bob, do we still have intercourse?"😱

There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a
hundred Times. We have Blue Cross!"😋

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